Home Featured Confession Session: I Don’t Like Babies and Neither Should You

Confession Session: I Don’t Like Babies and Neither Should You

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The other day, someone told me, “I don’t think you like kids.” I’m not gonna lie, this kind of hurt my feelings. Normally, I could care less what people think about me but being labeled a “baby hater” kind of stung. I thought long and hard about this statement, and I decided it’s not completely true. It’s not that I don’t like kids, it’s that I don’t like babies. I know how that sounds, but bear with me.

Let’s face it, kids are better than babies. This isn’t a debate. We all know it’s true; everyone’s just afraid to say it, so I’ve said it for you. Kids > Babies! This is a fact. But why? Why are kids so awesome and babies so “meh?” Well, I’ve come up with a few reasons.

angry baby

Not All Babies Are Likeable

I think we can all agree that not all people are likeable, right? Breaking news: babies are little people! I know babies are pretty much a blank slate, but like people, they all have their own unique personalities. Yet, we have this unspoken belief that all babies are created equal. Well, they’re not. Like their full-grown counterparts, some babies are jerks.

I’m sure there are more than a few babies in this world that don’t like me either. I’m not losing any sleep over it, I can tell you that much. I’ve got more important things to worry about than trying to impress a bunch of stranger babies. Who died and made babies the kings and queens of the world?

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Babies Are Disgusting and Inconsiderate

I was on the train the other day when I saw this baby/child sneeze. In the aftermath, what can I say about this child’s face that hasn’t already been said about the destruction left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina?! It looked like Hurricane Snot & Boogers swept across this child’s face leaving a path of unspeakable annihilation. Without missing a beat, mom reached over and wiped her child’s face clean…with her bare hands! On everything I love, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

THAT IS DISGUSTING!

What kind of person sneezes a face full of boogers and doesn’t even say “excuse me.” To add insult to injury, the baby expected their mother to clean them up with her bare hands. That’s wildly inconsiderate, bro.

If my son/daughter decides to randomly expel bodily fluids and I don’t have a napkin or tissue around, it’s going to be a misunderstanding. If God wanted me to bare hand booger wipe, He wouldn’t have invented napkins. Many parents have reassured me that “it’s different when it’s your child.” I HOPE SO! My stomach is churning just relieving this traumatic experience in my head.

I Don’t Care for People Who Can’t Clearly Communicate

sad baby

I’m going to paint you a picture. Imagine you have a good friend you’re trying to have a civilized conversation with. Instead, all they do is cry at you while you try your best to figure out what’s wrong with them. Does that sound fun? No, no it does not, but that’s a baby for you. Babies are not about that having a reasonable conversation about their wants and needs life.

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Look, if a child could be born around 18 – 24 months, I’d be cool. The whole baby phase of primarily communicating through crying makes me, let’s call it, “less than thrilled”. Hey, I’m a man of the people. I love pleasing people (I like) and making people happy (I like). Is it my fault babies don’t know how to ask for what they want?

No.

Why should I have to change? Why don’t babies change?! It’s probably all this catering and adjusting we do for them that makes them so inconsiderate and selfish in the first place. Someone’s gotta stand up to these narcissistic little people. I don’t know about you but I’m going to make a change, and I’m starting with the man in the mirror.

I Want a Child But I Can Live Without a Baby

If I never have a baby it’ll be too soon, but in all seriousness, despite my concerns about having a daughter, which I wrote about in detail here, I do want  a son or daughter of my own. I’d prefer this son or daughter to be born while I’m with a pretty woman I love, during a time frame when I am best able to provide financially and emotionally, and married but two out of three would suffice.

Sometimes I’m legitimately concerned by the fact that some of my friends are far more excited about having a child than myself. They’re the type of people that have been planning for child birth since their first Ken and Barbie Doll House arrived. They already have names and colleges picked out for their unborn children  Until recently, I was far more indifferent about the subject. If I had a child, cool. If I didn’t, cool. For me, it was more of a logical progression: If I’m older, married, and my wife wants to have a baby kid together – why not?

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Lately, I’ve become more personally invested in wanting a child of my own. Maybe I’ve matured. Maybe kids (not babies) have grown on me. I’m still not 100% positive I want a baby, but eventually he or she will grow up to be a kid. Kids are awesome, so I can probably deal…until they’re a teenager.

But, no one likes teenagers.

WIM SigIf you don’t have any kids, how do you feel about kids/babies? When did you know you definitely wanted to have a child of your own? Has having a child of your own or a child in your life (cousin, nephew, etc) changed your perspective on babies/kids?

Comment(47)

  1. So glad to know I'm not the only one! I have never been a fan of babies, kids (toddlers) I love but babies…I'll pass. I've always said I need mine to come out walking, talking and potty trained.

  2. I agree kids > babies, toddlers especially you can play with them like a baby but they’re alot cleaner and. it’s actually cute when they talk. I’d be straight if my child just came out already 2 years old (there’s a blue ivy joke here but I won’t). Oh and teens are the worse.

  3. I am definitely a baby person. When they start talking and running all over the place, that is when I get the frustrated look. Then they get to that age when all they do is talk and ask questions, sigh. "Where are we going?" "Who are you?" "How tall are you?" and on and on and on. I especially dislike the "Why?" questions. Man. It seems like they are just shooting questions at you. Seriously? How are you going to ask me the same questions three times in a row?

    That being said, I do want kids.

    1. I could not have said it better, kids are annoying! They are always questioning your motives and talking back. I have got two kids but I wish they had stayed as babies, my daughter was such a sweet baby, only cried when she needed something but now she is four, talks constantly I mean literally, in fact she sings all the time!!! How about that? Kids, no thank you!

    2. This right here! I like them from birth until about 2.5 and then I like them again around 14/15. LMAO so I tell my mum all the time if/when I have one – it's getting shipped to live w/ her from pre-school – 9th grade.

  4. WIM you going to hell for this one..lol But nah you say all of that until you have a BABY…It changes everything you ever thought about everything…..it did for me..specially if you in the delivery room when the kid comes out…

  5. Man, I have kids and with a small caveat, I’ll say I mostly agree with these points. That caveat being I have an infant presently, so aside from her, babies are really not the biz. When my oldest was turning 2, she then became a “daddy’s girl” and my road buddy. Why? Because we could communicate (see point 3). I suspect when the little one gets around that age, we’ll be able to chill too.

    Until then, she can stay latched onto her mother, with an assist here and there from m.

  6. I'm a female with no kids but hope to have some one day. I'm pretty leery of kids/babies that I dont know. My niece, nephews, other family members babies, I'm good on. But strange kids/babies are the equivalent to me as a strange dog: They are unpredictable. People expect other people to love their children as they do. I hate when someone pushes their one year old baby at me and than sit back with a goofy grin on their face and watch the interaction. What do they want from me? Pass "Awww he is so adorable", "Hi baby", I got nothing. Please take your baby back lol.

    1. Yessss! Strange babies are a bit odd. I worked in retail in college and I remember this chick was digging through her purse and shoved her baby at me so I could hold him while she looked. WTF? She got a real stank look (I was in college and didn't have a good poker face).

  7. I can't believe changing diapers isn't a bullet point here.

    I suppose it could fall under "Babies Are Disgusting and Inconsiderate," but it needs a section of it's own. It's bad enough to wipe snot, now imagine wiping their butts, and some errantly gets on your hand. Or they decide while you're changing them, "oooh, what's this stuck to my bottom, I think I'll reach down and touch it!" And with girls, you have to get all in the nooks and crannies. And when they start eating real food, and you see the load in the diaper and the smell, you'll think at times that you're changing a grown person's underwear.

    Potty trained >>>> changing diapers

    1. Let us not forget the gas. MAN, my niece was sitting in my lap one day and she let one out that put all the adults in the room to shame.

      But yes, diapers….smh. Anytime I smelled something, I picked her up and carried her to my Mom, all the while holding her away from me so that I couldn't smell it. Bad, I know.

      1. Southerngyrl: "Let us not forget the gas."

        Babies can fart and stink up an entire room. And they don't have the courtesy to say excuse me!

        1. Exactly. The worst is when they start laughing. My niece will definitely crack up during diaper changes and gas. It is almost like she is laughing at us.

    2. For this reason, I used to wear latex gloves to change my baby's diapers. And people would literally look at me like I was crazy for wanting to be sanitary and not deal directly with the grossness like it's some sort of badge of honor! It's a lose lose man… smh

  8. I like the babies, because although they cannot clearly communicate you can contribute to their knowledge base. Seeing them grow up in life and hearing them repeat your words, or carrying out the commands that you taught them (take this to the trash, put that down), is just really amazing. Creating a little mini me is amazeballs.
    My recent post You aint gots ta lie Craig…..

  9. LOL @ this list!

    I'm cool with babies…I just CANNOT STAND CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, that makes me want to give/put them back. Thank GOD neither of my boys were cry babies (well, the oldest is now which BURNS ME UP, lol). God knew I couldn't take crying and I need my sleep. So, he gave me babies that hardly ever cried and slept through the night relatively early. God is a good God! Yes, He is!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I remember one day my exhub was changing my oldest son's diaper…he wasn't even a week old. As soon as he removed the pamper, that boy shot out this yellow poop…like he was a water gun, LOL. Hit his fathers leg, the dresser, the floor and the side of the bed. NASTIEST THING EVER!

    And what Mom doesn't carry wipes with her?! That's her nasty behind's fault, lol! My kids are 5 and 9 and I STILL try to carry wipes at all times.

  10. I like all minors on a very limited time basis. Children in the 4-8 range are the best because they can take care of their most basic needs themselves and have a conversation. Babies who can crawl and toddle (but not run) are runners-up. They're easily amused and tend to cry less than younger babies.

    Never was when I decided I wanted to have a child. I'm old enough to be staring down menopause and I still don't want any of my own. Brief visits with other people's children are enough for me. I have yet to feel narcissistic enough to want to create a mini-me. The parental gene missed me.

  11. I like babies, I just cant deal with the wanna be grown kids. I had my girlfriends's two year old over the other day and I swear I do not miss changing diapers. That boy smelled like a grown man.

    They only downside with younger kids, they aren't able to do a whole lot for themselves. As long as they are sweet and happy, I'm all for it.
    My recent post A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

  12. lol. Wis if u have a daughter u will be more in love with her than u ever thought u could be with any female. She will be number 1. If u have a son u will be proud to have a boy to carry on ur legacy and walk in ur footsteps and carry on your name.
    I know a few people that didn't like kids, didn't want kids, was never around kids, first baby they held was their own. Now they are proud parents and loving (most) of it. U will be fine when u have kids because most Everybody loves their own seeds.

  13. I love kids and will adopt or take in foster kids if I don't have any of my own. They are the only little people that give u unconditional everlasting love and only ask that u love them to and care for them. A kid can have the worst ugliest parent in the world and that kid will love that parent like they are the best thing since sliced bread. Only your child and God and maybe your parents depending on the type of parents u have can love u in a special unconditional, everlasting way. In fact many people desire to have kids to have someone to love them unconditionally, and they get that love from their children if they never get it from anyone else.
    You can have the worst day in the world and your baby grabs your finger and smiles at you and looks at you lovingly and you will be so happy and overjoyed you may shed tears.
    I'm Team Babies and Kids….*smile* Babies are little miracles.

  14. Totally agree with this whole post. At one point in my life…I wanted 5 kids. Now that im around kids (age 5-18) all day, I'm leaning towards having none. Even past infancy, kids are a lot of work, the type of work you can't quit (like a relationship or a job). I need flexibility and options.

    I often think about amusement park rides I'd have to miss out on riding because of having a small child with me; trips I can't take because of the expense of raising a child. My strides are too long and their little legs wouldn't be able to keep up…. strollers are too bulky…..I can go on, but I'll stop.

    1. Yes thats how i used to feel too. But now i like the challenge…having to worry about all of my decisions in life. keeps me out of trouble…

  15. I don't want any kids but I love children.
    Babies and toddlers aren't too bad…it's when they hit that per-adolescence that worries me the most.
    I like them when they are young, impressionable and have no filter but they mean no harm.

  16. Lol hard to love kids if you are self-centered. raising a child takes alot of sacrifice. i didnt get there until the last minute…i was still in the streets selling um “stuff” even on my due date. hated kids all my life because ive always been narcissistic. i remember being strapped down during the c-section thinking i cant do this…adoption, giving up custody, anything other than my life being put on hold. My son is now one, still not talking. and im the happiest ive ever been in my adult life. never wouldve thought i would mature so much in a year. plus forming a relationship with God this past year has helped me to see why this was my destiny. my son changed me completely. Giving up your comfortable fun lifestyle for children and God is difficult…takes alot of willpower.
    Btw…im in the group of mothers who has had the pleasure of wiping snot with my hand lol. and some other nasty things ill take to my grave lol.

  17. I go back and forth on this a lot lately. Like right now, I avoid kids like the plague. I don't like the concept of they belong to another person and that person's way of raising their kids may differ from what I am used to or what I would do. I just stay away from people and their kids. I also don't like the way it can become cultish. Like a club… of people and babies. I ain't trying to be in that one.

    I sometimes think i'm going to marry a woman who already has kids that are not all that young. I don't think staying up for the first 5-6 months of a child's life is all that fun. Plus it'll ruin your sex life a bit because everyone is tired.

    I sometimes think that i'm just not going to have kids because I think they'll slow me down.

    Most times I realize that i'm an inherently vain individual and cannot wait to populate the Earth with people who look like me.

    1. To the best of my recollection, I don’t have any confirmed phobias but if I did, “holding a child-phobia” would be in the top 3. I hate holding babies. I always think they’re going to do the Harlem Shake and I’m going to end up bobbling them and fumbling like Romo in that infamous Jets game.

      No thanks.

  18. The only concern i have is jail time. my son fell off the bed once and i saw prison. so much can happen and you get blamed. if they roll over the wrong way…touch the wrong thing. the death of your child is thr worse feeling ever smh. that would be my only reasons for advising against having kids. othet than that its worth it.

  19. Yeah, growing up as an only child, I always wanted a kid or kids…I am definitely at the age where I would prefer to get married, chill for a year or so, and then get the factory pumping! lol Hopefully the plan goes that way because lord knows I can not deal with baby mama drama…

  20. Have two kids 11 and 7, will wipe snot and clean ear wax until the day I die. BUT I completely agree with WIS when it comes to other people kids, just grossed out by them. Will not wipe, change or clean anybody's else kids. Waiting for the grandkids for the next time. Hate teens (teacher lol)

  21. This was pure comedy because my brother was home alone w/ my nieces (2 and 9 months) for the 1st time ever. I was waiting for him to call me for some terrible advice, but never heard from him. So kudos for him surviving it.

    Babies, for the most part, are boring to me. Aside from changing the diapers, 1 of the nastiest things is to watch a 6-12 month old eat. Sogginess and wet food everywhere! Just gross. Kids from 2 and up have some upside because they're starting to come into their own personalities. They can attempt to tell you what they want, when they have to go to the bathroom, etc. But kids don't become fully dope until they're 4-5. By then, they're essentially little teenagers. My girl's son is 4 and he's absolutely hilarious. Never a dull moment with him. But I still look forward to having my own and going thru all what I just complained about. IAPW though, our offspring would be born at 2.5 yrs old
    My recent post What I Wish I Knew Before I Became A Corporate Guy

  22. Baby hating? Thats whats hot in the streets these days? lol. j/k
    Rearing children is definitely not an easy task and it can be definitely and annoying within the younger ages. Nothing is more frustrating than a crying baby, a baby that refuses to go to sleep or one that wakes up in the middle of the night….crying. Cute to look at. Innocent. Helpless and dependent. Adorable as hell. But definitely a handful dealing with the inability to communicate and understand their frustrations.

    I too prefer the toddler ages. Sure, it is more involved work ensuring they don't get into the wrong things or hurt themselves, but it's definitely less frustrating. In my opinion at least.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com

    My recent post Here I Come To Save The Day: White Saviors And The Negro Damsels in Distress in Hollywood

  23. I am 27 and have a one month old baby brother… That is a HUGE change! Other that that I am child free. What kids have changed me?

    1. My niece and nephew

    Because me and my sister cannot hang out like we used to. And because I had to face my own selfishness and open up more to the reality of new kids on the block. It also reinforced my views on men who are eager to shack up and procreate but iffy about marriage (Marriage Minded Ladies: RUN from these dudes!) I love my little ones though….

    2. My friends' kids

    As cute as they may be… they spoil the fun at times. Ladies always tend to be more restricted by their kids then men… Very annoying…

    3. My new baby brother

    Made me realize I truly do want kids of my own… But I need a good man and good marriage before I can embark on that road… There is nothing cute about having to do it alone… The first 2 points have taught me that much….

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