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Why Do Men Prefer Younger Women?



Growing up they always told us that older men preferred younger women. We came up with answers for why this may happen; maybe it was because they kept their looks or maybe it was because younger women didn’t have all the baggage of older women. Being a young gunner in the game, I dated older women and it didn’t much matter to me what their age was. That was until one day it became clear; I understood why men dated younger women.

It didn’t have anything to do with their looks or their lack of baggage for me, it had to do with trust.

Yes, trust.

I recently told myself that I don’t think I’m equipped to date women my age and it wasn’t because I don’t think they’re beautiful or have a lot to offer. I’ve always been a fan of older women; I thought they knew what they wanted and how to treat a man. But in my experiences I realized that I just don’t trust them.

Newsflash, this will be a personal post.

I’m going to turn 29 again this year and one thing I’ve learned is that, “[Women] be mother****** tripping.” I find myself in a barrage of situations where I think I’m on the same page as the woman and then next thing you know… she’s on her own agenda. It’s hard for men to cope with this reaction from women. We say, “Why can’t we just be cool and that just be it?” but that ain’t cutting it. I know we’re dealing with biological clocks but why is it so hard to be able to trust the words that come out of a woman’s mouth.

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Well, I know why now.

It’s because no matter how hard they try and deny it, they want companionship. Not only do they want it, but they want it now. When you get to over the age of 25, you’re not going to find women who want to frivolously date, or “see where things are going.” They want to know now where things are going and where you think things are going to be in a short amount of time. When I was 23, I never imagined that I would be in a conversation about marriage within the first three months of a relationship. Those same civil liberties are not afforded to you when you’re in your late twenties.

I don’t blame them. At this point, we should be able to know if a woman is someone that we can spend the rest of our lives with. We’ve been playing the birds and bees for a long time now, we know when we mess up and we know what we should be doing in a relationship. However, for most of us men, we can’t do it. We’re not willing to let go of everything that makes us men so fast.

I told a woman the other day, that I’d rather bow out of dating because I’m not sure that I can trust the words that come out of women’s mouths at this age and she looked at me like I was bowing out of the game altogether. I wasn’t. I just felt that somewhere between the space when I said, “I like you and want to see where this goes” and “I’m ready to have babies with this girl” there was a chance for me to make sure that’s something I wanted.

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I understand that clocks start ticking and that things are getting rough for some women out there, but I… matter fact, us men are all feeling the pressure of these women. We want to be in committed relationships because we don’t want to die alone, but we don’t want to be forced into situations that aren’t becoming of us. We’re trying, I’M TRYING, my best to put myself in a position to give a woman all of me. Faced with these decisions on the first or second date, I cringe. I cringe because I know that’s not what I want right now, it’s a goal and not a requirement.

I’ve lost faith because I think that time constraints and relationship pacts have ruined dating. It’s no longer organic but something that’s a calculated decision about will I date him or will I not. That’s not something I’m down for anymore. I’m too old for that. I just want to know that I can find a companion to spend my life with, not someone who is trying to meet a deadline.

Dr. J


  1. "However, for most of us men, we can’t do it. We’re not willing to let go of everything that makes us men so fast."

    Thanks for sharing something so personal, I know it's not the easiest thing to do. ***IMO*** the line I quoted above is something you should investigate in yourself. The truth is nothing about being a man is lost when you get into a committed relationship.

    I understand where you're coming from – many men misguidedly conflate sex and conquering many girls with being a man, just like many women conflate beauty and keeping a man with being a woman. And because they make these associations,they let the intense (desperate) pursuit of these goals run their life.

    Also —> men don't prefer younger women, you do.
    Also—-> younger women can want committed relationships too, I did.
    Also—-> older women can not want to settle down yet.
    Also—>IMO, a man doesn't need to 2,3 or even one date to know if *HE* is ready to be serious. So, asking that question early on isn't weird….it's just a question to gauge where the man is at in his own life.

    Again, thanks for sharing.

    My recent post Grounds for Discussion: How to Stop Nagging Now!

  2. oooooooh they gon be mad

    Funny it’s almost the inverse with me, older women I encounter been there done that and just want something nice to look at on their arm or they figure with a few tweaks they can make me into that man she covets. Perhaps that makes your point that as a 29? year old the overall sentiment is ninja what is you waiting for and I still have the luxury of patience (or just not be taken seriously ioeno)

    I struggle to agree that younger women are the cure, men lie women lie. She might not express it outright in fear of scaring you away but her eyes are on that finish line as well. If only men and women were straightforward about what they are looking for and didn’t alter the objective for convenient dates and smashing…..well then relationship advice wouldn’t be a billion dollar industry.

  3. Ok so a few things.

    So basically men prefer younger women because they can waste their time.

    WIM tweeted a quote a few days ago from a BGE article . It went something like ” in 30 days most dudes have an idea or know what position they want to put you in, so all that lets see where it goes ish ends after that time period . ”

    Most women who are looking for commitment aren’t trying to get in a serious relationship with you off jump, but they would like to know if you even see them as potential for someone you would want to build with.

    The older women who you keep running into use to be young women who kept getting feed the ” let see where this goes” after the time period above and it ended up being one and it ended up going nowhere.

    As far as older women, it really depends on of she’s ” been there and done that” yet . And there are a lot of younger women who are looking for commitment as well.

    Ladies this is why you have to be selfish when it comes to dating. Men always put their time and needs first. (No offense to you Dr.J) . Ladies take advantage of all you options. If you can and the guys are good options date more than one ( get to know/friend) man at a time , until one really step up.

    1. "So basically men prefer younger women because they can waste their time. "

      YEP, pretty much this right here. I am not saying this is a bad thing though. If he can find a young girl who is on that page with him, kudos.

      I am from the South though (SC to be exact) and you can best believe after college there were a host of weddings to be found. It isn't just older women. I am 31 years old. My high school and college classmates are way past all of that. They are on 2nd and 3rd kids right now. Two of my friends has been married for 10-12 years (same age as me). Yep, the math is correct. All I can say is be careful.

      1. Yes, I know a few young couples my age who are jumping the broom also. I think the women get mad at the “let see where it goes” because we know we have to see were it goes in the very beginning , but as a man we know early on you have an idea of were you would possible take it and not take it. So if your not looking for something serious , say it, if you are but after one or two dates you don’t think I’m going to make the cut, say it, don’t just drag me along for company until you find what you want.

      2. SC in the house!!! I am from Da Metro (Columbia), but reside in DC now. But back to your friends, that is me also..I am 33 and i have friends entering their 5th, 10th, 12th, years of marriage also…It's crazy….

        1. Whooooooop! Chucktown over here! I went to school in Columbia though. I lived in DC for a bit too. I miss it.

          I am back in the Chuck again, but not sure for how long. : )

          The 22-26 year olds down here don't play. At one point I saw more of them getting married than the 27 and up group. It is definitely a different culture. I am not saying I wanted it for myself, because at 22-25, I was nowhere near ready to be someone's wife.

    2. I'm going to disagree with that first line. In normal circumstances guys are purposely trying to waste anyone's time. There are different things that younger women are looking for in relation to time that older women aren't. Older women have a shorter clock to "learn" each other. Younger women generally have a longer fuse.

      Example: guy knows he generally takes 2 months before he asks a woman to be in a relationship. The older woman says that he should know such things after a month. The younger woman won't have that same (short) time limit. It's not a good or bad it's just a different. No time is being intentionally wasted.
      My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

  4. Im 22 so maybe Im not "experienced" enough to make this statement but sometimes its not about the biological clock. Sometimes it could be about not wanting to be in the "friend with benefits" zone. Just how guys dont like being friend zoned, women dont like being fwb zoned so that one day you can be in a relationship with someone else.

    I think its honest dialogue that needs to be had. Is this going anywhere/does this have potential? If not, it was nice meeting you but less not waste the next 6 months of our lives when we clearly want different things.

    1. you re 22 but you are smart. im a 30 year old woman who doesnt have time for games.

      so if i can sense that in 2 days im done.

      i once planned a date with a guy then just cancelled. he was bs'ing and aint nobody got time for that.

      and i am 100 times better at judging a guys intentions now than when i was younger…its like i just look at his face and how he approaches and interacts with me then i just know….truth be told think i just started trusting my intuition. and my intuition is really strong…my antennas go up just like that.

      speaking of younger, younger guys seem soo sweet to me. but the older ones seem to have all these games

      i just cant see myself dating a 23 year old.

      men seem to do it easily and i even had a friend who is 31 act like there was no difference between a 31 year old and a 22 year old mentally because i told him i was overprotective of my 22 year old friend….i was just like wow…how low will you go

      i just feel some kind of way about men that date 18 years olds because i know what my mindset was at that age.

  5. Younger women can absolutely be the cure, as long as they have the same mindset. Shoot, an older woman could be the cure too. It just all depends. I feel for you. I really do, and no, I am not being sarcastic.

    I thik I am on the flip side of your story. I am 31 (32 in a few weeks). I am not one of those crazy extremes where I am pulling out a wedding book on the first date, but I don't like leading men on either. I think within a month I let them know (in a non-crazy way of course) that at some point, I do want to get married and have kids. I don't feel like wasting my time or his. It is like when I interview for jobs and I've had a phone screen, phone interview, one-on-one interview, group panel and even peer interview (true story) just to find out your hiring salary is 10k less than what I am looking for. Tell me the hiring range from the jump. Why should I waste your time and on the flip, why should you waste mine?

    Your story is what I don't want to happen when I date guys. Unfortunately the late 20s guys love me. I say that because that is usually the age of the men who try to talk to me. I really do hope for the mid to late 30s (they have their issues too) but the late 20s just seem to pop up. The funny thing is, men think late 20s is young and women really don't think like that . Back on topic. I genuinely try to clue guys in on where I am. I don't have a date set or an age when I want to be married. No, nothing like that. I just don't want anyone to waste my time. Last guy (late 20s) I dated knew up front and still wasted my time. So yeah, it is rough when someone has an agenda, and yeah it has caused me to distrust younger guys (honestly, is 28-29 really that young?)

    Great post.

  6. Doc I feel ya struggle man!

    I think part of the issue is since day one folks have always said women mature faster then men. And its a plus that eventually turns into a minus as both sex's age. It never levels off and that's just a fact. I think women assume at 30 we're (both sexes) all on a equal playing field. Its a struggle for me personally because I enjoy the maturity and readiness that comes with dating women my age or older, im 33. They understand the significance of knowing all the words to Lodi Dodi (shout out to slick rick da ruler!), they typically know how to cook and can work magical wonders in the bedroom…Only problem is they READY! They want the baby, ring, and house all in the same damn year. Its crazy. I get the whole "imma run outta eggs" deal, or the "I'm not having kids at 40 they gonna turn out slow'. I get it.

    For some of us men it just makes perfect sense to go younger. Less headaches.

    1. Maturity comes with a price that price is experience which is probably why they want to know up front if your actually into them, past just their looks, great chex skills and cooking, and can actually see yourself building a life with them. While I understand what you and the author are trying to get at (My parents are 8 yrs apart dad met my mom when she was 20 he was 28, they married 5 yrs later, and even then my grandma let it be know that if he wasn’t tying the note by then, then don’t waste her daughters time) it’s like you want women to take your time into consideration, but your not willing to do the same for us.

    2. Be careful though, studies now are saying that older father pass along more genetic mutations. For awhile we thought it was women who had to be careful about having kids older, but men aren't out of the woods either.

      1. @Southerngyrl_

        Doesn't this mean that an older man should focus on a younger woman (and an older woman should focus on getting a younger man)? It seems to me that, if society is going to keep pushing the preferred age of marrying and parenting higher and higher, marrying a younger person is a genetically responsible act.

        1. LOL it still works separately. A 40 year old man is still 40 even if his wife 25. A 40 year old woman is still 40 if her husband is 25.

    3. I mean I'm 25 and have wanted the same things for a while. It's more the mindset of the person you're dealing with and not the age. That's why you need to have "the conversation" sooner rather than later IMO.

  7. At the risk of sounding like i am against men, it seems like a selfish kind of sentiment. On one hand you want women to set standards and be the rock that you need, then on the other hand you want her to do all that without wanting you to commit to her.(basically give you all the free buffet you can eat, but never pay for a meal) I do understand that some women will date you on the 1st, want to marry you on the 15th and then kids on the 30th. (All in one month! lol). I understand that issue of some women are moving to fast to even know he is the one due to the biological clock. However, if you meet a women at 27, and for five years she let you take your time and then you determine she isn't the one, she's now 32 and have to go back on the search again to find the one and hope he can commit before menopause. Sometimes it just feels like some men wants so much from women, but will give so little.
    My recent post If I can’t have you, I’m gon be single for the rest of my life

    1. "Sometimes it just feels like some men wants so much from women, but will give so little."

      SO TRUE! I couldn't agree with you more!

  8. Men do want younger women for numerous reasons and there is nothing we can do to prevent that. However, there is nothing wrong with women over 25 wanting to be married. If men are afraid to have a conversation about setting down, then they don't need to be with me.

    If I am dating a guy seriously, I will bring up the topic of marriage after one year. I will give him another year to propose, if he does Im moving. On the flip side, If he assures me that he wants to settle down with me but want to get some things resolved first then I will wait and respect his wishes.
    My recent post Role Reversal.. Have Women Become Hunters?

    1. I definitely like your approach….Sometimes men just want to know they can be a good provider before they bring another adult into their lives….

        1. Sorry Im sooo late responding to this but the comment goons were blocking me.

          I believe in investing no more than 2 years of my life to a man without some sort of long term commitment in the future. I think two years of dating and one year engaged is not bad at all.
          My recent post Why Can’t Your Man Watch Porn?

  9. ALL OF THIS POST is why I REFUSE to date men who are not ready for marriage and looking for HIS WIFE before he meets me. I'm on a whole new plateau with this one, LOL…changed my whole scene…eliminates headaches and wondering and games, etc.

    So, that's my solution ladies! If you are ready to get married and start a family, leave the Dr. J's alone (no offense, Doc…lol)!!!! A man that's ready for a wife will have no issues making that known from the door…and the way he vets and treats you is TOTALLY DIFFERENT, refreshing, and worth the switch! 🙂

    People need to date on their level. If you aren't quite ready to just take the plunge, date chicks who have a lot going on…and aren't really pressed to get married today or tomorrow. If you just wanna fool around, date good chicks who don't want anything but good vibes and a good lay. If you wana be married, date chicks who are ready to be a wife. Problem solved!

    1. Of course, it was a lonely place for a minute. Then, this sucka started picking all the way up…and I had a decent pool of marriage-minded men displaying interest. Once I changed my mind on the matter, my scent must've changed or something, lol…cause I started attracting what I wanted.

      We just need to be patient, ladies…and stop compromising on what we KNOW we want and need. We will never be pretty, interesting, or anything enough to make a man want what we want. Its better to just date a man who wants what you want from day 1.

      1. People need to date on their level. If you aren't quite ready to just take the plunge, date chicks who have a lot going on…and aren't really pressed to get married today or tomorrow. If you just wanna fool around, date good chicks who don't want anything but good vibes and a good lay. If you wana be married, date chicks who are ready to be a wife. Problem solved!

        —–> true that would require a man to be upfront, honest, and willing to miss out on some the benefit he’s getting from women who aren’t on the same page as him

        We just need to be patient, ladies…and stop compromising on what we KNOW we want and need. We will never be pretty, interesting, or anything enough to make a man want what we want. Its better to just date a man who wants what you want from day 1.

        <—-+1 sometimes you just have to focus on yourself for a while, and when you least expect it something worth while comes along .

        1. Ditto on the being upfront and honest thing. Don't play along like you're really there if you aren't.

        2. "—–> true that would require a man to be upfront, honest, and willing to miss out on some the benefit he’s getting from women who aren’t on the same page as him"

          Yup, but them jokers ain't that slick, lol. They usually say something to let on that they aren't really ready…the kind of ready you are…and they say it early. You just have to be listening for it and ready to BOUNCE IMMEDIATELY!!!! Eff hope when it comes to this matter, lol. Don't wait around just go. Keep it friendly, but go. Only entertain men who are speaking your language…

        3. "I'm tired of playing around", "I'm ready to settle down", "I'm where I want to be in life and I'm ready to share it with that special woman"… <— THAT'S ALL you wanna hear! And the man that's ready will say all of this because he really isn't trying to play games and waste time. He's ready to really get to know you on some deep level so that he can determine whether or not you are his wife…and it he'll have a pretty good idea fairly quickly…even if he isn't willing to fully cop to that, his behavior and focus will say it ALL!!!

        4. So when yall say a man needs to be "ready" yall men he needs to want it when you want it? " It " meaning marriage and the whole family bit.

        5. I mean, before I came along, some variation of this happened to him…

          *Handsome, Employed Black Man (HEBM) who is taller than me is sitting home on his couch*

          HEBM: I'm lonely. Yeah, I have chicks around but I'm not really trying to be with them like that. I want more. I've got my career. My money is good. I'm living on my own…decent savings. No reason to delay this. I'm tired of this dating ish. I'm getting older. I want some kids. I want someone to come home to. I want her.

          *HEBM begins to fall back from of his binder full of women and seeks out HER*

          LOL…feel me????

        6. Ok so yall meet, he's ready and so are you. BUT you two still have to mesh well in order for this lil fairy tail to end happily every after. So lets say yall get to know each other and he's like yeeeeeeeah boi this is the one! AS THE MAN he begins to put his time table of events together in his head. What if his time table and ya time table don't really add up??? Is he then characterized as " not really ready"??

        7. I can't speak for every SBF here but as for me, that's the point I'm cool coasting at. When he says, "Yeah boi, I'm 99.9999% sure she's the one…just need to see if we can work out the specifics/details of life and living." OF COURSE we need to get to know each other and see if we really have the ingredients needed to bake a tasty cake, lol. And that will take as much time as is needed…months, years…it depends on the couple and the circumstances. I have kids, I can't sign on any dotted lines too quickly…there's plenty to investigate…and I've been divorced so I need TIME to be super sure.

        8. And I think that's part of the issue. We live in a right now ASAP kinda world. I blame technology! We don't wanna take the necessary time to get them ingredients together. And God forbid the man wants to take time for things to develop, "he's playing games" hes "not ready" hes blah blah blah. It get misconstrued.

        9. Taking the time to get the ingredients together is fine for most grounded women who realize that, yes, there are phases to love and all. But, based on my conversations with happily married men, they knew or were pretty darn sure pretty early on that their wife was the one. Did they still take their time with it? Yeah, but he knew what he had and treated and vetted her as such…and even told her in some cases (I know its early and we need to make sure but I think you're HER).

          When you meet the woman that makes you feel like that, you'll get it, lol…I hope, lol.

        10. Side lesson I've learned – My "the one" and God's " the one" are 2 different one's…. I be hyped…and then God throws that monkey wrench in the game..lol

        11. Its not a smooth ride, I'll drink to that, LOL!

          Lots of false starts…and that makes us jaded and less willing to leap right away…a bit more hesitant. But, we have to be careful not to let our walls keep us from the real one, lol.

        12. its best to let a man take his time with 2 0r 3 months with no sex or intimacy, his true colors will show…and you will be glad they did.

          agreed. they are no james bonds in this b…they always say something

    2. This ENTIRE thread. It's hard to be truthful with great company because, well…they may not be company anymore. It's equally hard to walk away from great potential because, well…if it's so great why can't we just make that ish work?

      1. Girl, that's why I'm on some ole Bernadine-Waiting to Exhale ish right now when it comes to that, lol…I'm saying it NOW and if you aren't down with that, I will help you haul @$$!!!

        "GETCHO $HIT…GETCHO $HIT…AND GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!"


    3. I think you missed my point Cyn. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any woman who has ever sat down with me that would say i'm not ready for marriage or looking for a wife. I'm just clear to separate my requirements from my goals. To me, marriage is a goal not a requirement. Thus, I approach it very differently. The goal is to win the championship right? I just don't think that's a requirement up front. That's why I believe in the stages of relationships. There should be a friend phase, there should be courting, there should be dating, and these should all be indepedent of a conversation about marriage because that's an outcome of doing all those previous things the right way.

      The problem I encounter is that many women are trying to skip all of that and get the answer right away. Relationships shouldn't be like when you get to level 4-2 and you hit that sewer on Mario and end up at level 8-4 and about to fight Koopa. You have to put the work and effort in the whole way there.

      1. When I'm in the dating phase and the woman is already in her mind in the stage of trying to get a ring, i'm like… yo I have to bounce, she's rushing and i'm just trying to make sure I finish what's on our plate first before moving on. She's at dessert and i'm looking at appetizers. Not saying, I don't plan to have my tiramissu too, but got damn slow down.

        1. Stating that you only want to be in a relationship that has the potential to become a marriage is NOT the same thing as pressuring a man for marriage. It doesn't mean she wants to be married by Christmas 2014, lol…just means that she wants to be vetted for that position by a man who's actively looking to fill that open position in his life!!!!

          Plus, this whole goal vs. requirement thing, smh…it's worthy of its own post. I'll leave it at that, lol.

          After reading your comment, I won't say you aren't looking for a wife. But, I'm willing to bet money on the fact that you haven't met her yet and when you do, your perspective on phases will shift a bit. You'll take your time going through them…but while you know who she most likely is.

      2. I get you're point, lol…I swear I do. I just can't date men who think like this…cause I kinda don't buy it. *shrugs*

        What this says to me is that you haven't met HER yet. Again, you may not be ready to go out and buy the ring…and if she's like me, she won't want you to, but pretty early on, you will feel that this woman is exactly what you need…and how you treat her as a result will be VERY DIFFERENT from how you treated the ones that came before her…even if the difference is as subtle as how secure she is in your pursuit of her.

        Check back with me on this once you find HER…I'm curious to know which one of us is more right concerning how it will happen for you. I'm kinda generalizing in my comments, lol…I do realize there are exceptions…SOME, lol.

        1. Hi there, married guy here (not that it matters)

          Part of the problem is that men aren't generally "looking for a wife" as you put it. We are open and will want it in the grande scheme but we don't go out with the purpose of finding one. We gauge characteristics of women we date and we determine if we want to spend the rest of our life with her. This is not a switch that is hit when we hit a certain point, it pretty much always exists.

          So my question is are you looking for a husband or are you open to finding one? Big difference in thought and approach.
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        2. "So my question is are you looking for a husband or are you open to finding one? Big difference in thought and approach."

           The thing is in order for you to be open to it , a wife or husband still has to be something your looking forward to or actually want. It’s like when older women tell girls/younger women, don’t go looking just focus on yourself and when your not looking someone will find you. Even if that someone finds you, you still have to be open to marriage being an option. While most men use the “I’m open to it” approach with most things, as women we have to make sure at the very least he’s marriage is actually something he’s open to, before we continue on. I think sometimes the way women set the tone for that conversation is what makes some men pump the breaks.

        3. I think your being married validates your point, LOL!

          I agree with you. I think you've kinda established the categories of men folks:

          – don't want it
          – want it in the grande scheme but we don't go out with the purpose of finding one
          – want it and looking for one

          My guess is that the category you mentioned (#2) has the majority of eligible men folk in it…kinda the standard. I'm with that. But, I'm more than just open to finding a husband (I WANT the right one) although I'm not out here turning over rocks looking for one. I'd rather be found. So, that's not where my head is at…for all kinds of reasons.

          So, even though its a small, rare group, I'm only pausing for group #3. #2 works for someone I've known a long time or something but not for someone I'm meeting off the street.

        4. Also, I think this touches on something I explained to a guy about a month or so ago…

          Follow me here…I'm generalizing…but…yeah…

          White guys (or guys from other cultures) use this equation: Success = Career + Financial Stability + Home + Wife + Kids
          Black guys use this equation: Success = Career + Financial Stability + Home…with a wife and kids being like extra's or add-on's that aren't a must.

          I have theories as to why this is (break down in the black family, chexual liberation of women, economy/work opportunities, gold-digging women, etc.). But, it is what it is. Which is why the majority of black (American) men do not actively seek out a wife to complete his personal equation for success.

          I've done no research or studies, lol…but life has kinda fortified this belief. *shrugs*

        5. Not sure if I can concur with your success equation for black men. I am a black man that has a career, financial stability, and my own crib and to be honest I still feel like I haven't reached all my potential success because I still want that life partner or as I like to call it, my other teammate that can hold me down and vice versa. I think Animate did a good job of breaking it down for us brothers. I definitely an open to being married and know eventually I will, it will be under the right circumstances, with the right team player, and we will go from there…

        6. As someone who has what America may label as being successful, the key for me at least is finding a woman with those key characteristics I can deal with for the rest of my life. Granted I am in no rush and since I am open to marriage now, I am a little bit more aggressive in my nature and assessments of potential team players…..

        7. cosign! I've always thought that SOME white men see the value a wife can have in creating/sustaining wealth together. I've read many black male centered blogs where it is the general consensus that one must attain wealth/financial security BEFORE seeking a wife. I don't think either mindset is necessarily better than the other but it can explain why black woman may have to wait longer than white women to find a willing mate to marry.

        8. The thing I have noticed with other races is that the woman is willing to struggle while the guy is in school or trying to get his house in order and vice versa. I have had experiences when I was in graduate school where black women would say how can you date me if i am broke..Not looking at the fact that if you are there when I am on my grind, things will be that much greater in the end. I am not saying all black women are like this, but a few I have encountered in the past have been.

  10. "I’ve lost faith because I think that time constraints and relationship pacts have ruined dating. It’s no longer organic but something that’s a calculated decision about will I date him or will I not. "

    For most of human history relationships of all kinds were always about pacts, constraints and contracts. Dating, by and large, didn't exist in times past and is a very, very recent behavior.

  11. Sidebar #1- That stock model is either making BANK or pissed as hell that he isn't. Because he SHOLE is every. Damn. Where. I've seen this dude on everything from Cohen's Optical to matchmaking ads to health articles. I can't imagine he knew he'd be this popular (WIM take notes)

    Sidebar #2- EVERY woman has an agenda. EVERY one. You just decide which agenda you can deal with. There are men that prefer Latinas/Asians/NameAnyEthnicityButTheirOwnHere because "less headaches", there are men that prefer younger women because "less headaches", there are men who prefer older women because "less headaches", there are men who prefer "hoes" because "less headaches". Watch "Midnight in Paris" and you'll see my point.

    BTW, I was the "young" woman many "older" men dated. That's not why "they" do it. Hilariously though, that's why EYE did it. Trust issues, less headaches. They knew what they wanted out of a woman and gave no nalgas about telling you on first phone call (Also, there's that pesky "I never have to wonder whether I should reach for my wallet on a date" thing for younger women, lol.). Older men date younger women because their attraction to women that look the way they do does not change just because they get older. Also, there's less compromising that has to be done because while they are set in their ways, the younger woman isn't. It's easier for her to settle into his life without struggle.
    However, I appreciate your perspective and am thankful for the brief reminder of why my new penchant for walking away as quickly as possible isn't as crazy as I originally thought. If what you want is not what he's looking for, YOU are not what he's looking for.

    1. We.Are.>>>>HERE<<<<

      "If what you want is not what he's looking for, YOU are not what he's looking for."

      Girl! YES! YES!


    2. The molding is real.. That’s why some older men like younger women, some men think younger = easier to mold.

      "However, I appreciate your perspective and am thankful for the brief reminder of why my new penchant for walking away as quickly as possible isn't as crazy as I originally thought. If what you want is not what he's looking for, YOU are not what he's looking for."

      <—-Agree, the thing with some young girls is they’ll try to change themselves into what that man is looking for, older women been there done that, they want a man who wants them for who they are.

  12. I appreciate your perspective – as a writer on a site with a high skewing female base – I'm sure you won't hear that in the comment section.

  13. Dr. J is essentially saying that he's not ready to settle down and get married. Which is cool, MOST 28 year old guys that I encounter feel the same exact way. Nothing wrong with that. But then I have to ask, why are you even dating? My parents always taught me that the whole reason behind dating was to meet someone that you would marry. You're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself by going out on dates. Just keep it casual.

    But as far as the age thing…I don't really get how you "trust" that someone under the age of 25 who is saying they aren't looking for anything serious is being honest, as opposed to anyone 26+ saying the same thing. In my opinion, dealing with ladies under the age of 25 is not the solution to your problem. I'm 26 now and when I date, it's with the eventual goal of marriage in mind. But then again, I've felt that way my ENTIRE 20s.

    Finding someone who only wants what you want is your answer. You can always find a lady at ANY age who is willing to be your fwb, one-night stand, or person who you can just "kick it" with.

  14. Let me be clear. At no point did I say I was not ready to settle down. At no point did I say that I did not want to be married. Y'all would be real surprised if you come on here one day soon and said, "Engaged and looking forward to starting a family." Again, if you talk to me in person you know that those things are very important to me. Many of my friends who read this site would comment if they didn't want to endure slander and tell you, Jay will be married in the next few years to a beautiful woman and ready to procreate ASAPtually.

  15. I said, I had issues with trust. Trusting that someone wanted to do the RIGHT thing as it came to building a relationship and friendship that would be deep and enriching. I may be wrong… which is why this is very personal to me… but when I'm talking to older women right now… I literally do not trust when they say, "I'm cool with just kicking it for now to see if we like each other, no strings attached." (And yes, I mean no sex or nothing, just kicking it.) I hear that all the time and two weeks later it's like, "Well you don't know now?" I'm pushed back like, "It's been two weeks… we only seen each other twice…"

    I think I would benefit more from a comment that's not diagnosing my problem but maybe sharing insight on the other perspective. (Thank you Cyn and Amaris, I can f*ck with those responses.)

    1. I'll share something a bit personal. Mind you, I'm emotionally aloof from the jump and a bit of a shallow perfectionist (read: its takes little to nothing to turn me off).

      I have this new "only dating men who are straight forward about looking for his wife" from the jump. I met this guy…34, no kids, two degrees, career, owns a new house, black, handsome, taller than me…#WINNING!!!! We talk, he's speaking my language ("over the just kicking it phase and I'm ready for a family")…great.

      1. First time we met up was supposed to be a quick, feeling this out type thing…ended up sitting and talking for 3 hrs. Fast forward a few weeks later (lots of talking, texting, and hanging in between) and this dude is like, "We need to talk." I'm like HERE WE GO…she shoe's about to drop. We talk on our date the next day and he's pretty much like, "I think you're the one…no pressure…we still have a lot of investigating to do. But, I wanted you to know where my head is at and that I'm serious about getting to know you, excited about the potential here, and I will NOT be dating around while I'm getting to know you." FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT, lol.

        1. I had to call my life coach (read: therapist, lol)…"Is this normal? Should I be alarmed? It's only been a few weeks!!!" I didn't/don't fully trust it…cause I need words and actions over time to really settle it for me.

          She assured me that, in most happy-ending cases she's seen, the man felt like that very early on (whether he articulated it or not). And that his certainty frees me to vet him and decide whether or not he's the one for me without having to worry about his intentions, etc. Plus, I'm so used to getting there before the guy that I'm totally not used to someone valuing me to this degree so soon. Her response: "He's ready…and that's where you want him to be." So, I relaxed and proceeded. But, I almost pulled up the parking brake…so I get the whole "too much too soon" thing…to a point.

    2. Dr. J while I personally don’t know the “older” women u have been bumping into. I feel like most women who are serious about having a marriage and not just being a bride don’t mind goo through the phases ( friends -dating etc) those phase are natural anyway. The thing is in the friendship phase , your suppose to pick the persons brain and see where their head is at. Me saying I’m marriage mined isn’t this slick ploy to rush you down the isle. It’s just letting u know that if you were my head is at in the long term . We might become friends and I decided that I don’t want to move forward with you. Of we decided to move forward I want to know that at least we’re looking in the same direction.

    3. I can understand what you mean. I've had guys literally ask me four times in the same evening about my "timetable". I really DON'T have one. If you ask me if I want to be married, I'd likely tell you no. I don't want to "be" married, which is why I don't have a timetable. I want to find someone I want to spend my life with who wants to spend their life with me. When that happens, it happens. My search is for a person, not a status, and you can't put a deadline on that. BUT (and this is important) I WILL NOT SEARCH FOR HIM IN A POOL OF MEN THAT ARE NOT LOOKING FOR THE SAME. Meaning, I determine if we have the same end goal FIRST, and THEN determine compatibility and take my time from there.
      The reason?
      I have in the last bit of time that I have been sangle, encountered some of the most wonderful, intelligent, employed, sane, emotionally whole men on the planet. Wonderful men!! And we were compatible! Great conversation! We could laugh for days!
      ….except, when it came down to it, no matter HOW compatible we were, or how many hours we spoke, or how many times they told me they never felt more "at home" or "at peace" when they were with me (oh, there's a blog post coming on that one, because that's foul as HELL) we just didn't want the same things. (t)he(y) wanted great company, I wanted more. So, now I just ask, "why are you dating"? If your reasons match mine, we proceed. If they don't, I have a new friend who could possibly introduce me to someone that will.

  16. Like if you're up front with me and you tell me that you're ready to get married and so that's what you are looking for in a man. I'm probably going to walk away. Not because that's not what I want but because that's not my approach. We're going to constantly butt heads trying to do it that way.

    On the other side, if you feel that you have to just go with the flow even though you know you have other goals because men will run lilke Joe from Potiphar… that's also cool. But don't talk like i'm crazy… this type of stuff going on everydayb.

    1. So… you want to get married, but you don't want to feel pressured or feel like you're on a deadline. Cool, I get that. I have a few male friends who feel the same way. It's kind of confusing though. Because on one hand you want a marriage and all the beautiful things that come with it. But then… you want someone who's willing to wait around until you get to that point with THEM. It's hard for the lady, because she doesn't know what you're thinking.

      That's how you wind up with situations where women are sitting around for a year(s) dealing with the same guy. And she's afraid to ask, well what are we doing?, because the guy may say, man, why you pressuring me? And then up and leave. How do we know where something is going if we don't ask? How long should we wait for you to decide to have that talk with us?

      It's really frustrating for us. You have the upper hand in this relationship thing. We just have to stay silent and wait… and hope that we aren't wasting our time. It's not fair

    2. You are real nigga. Seriously. This is the most niggaish shit I've ever read in my entire life.

      This is why black men will always be behind. While other men DO… Black men are still 'TRYING.

      There is no TRY…. there is only DOING.

  17. "I’m too old for that. I just want to know that I can find a companion to spend my life with, not someone who is trying to meet a deadline."

    Unfortunately, there IS a deadline that NONE of us have control over. We can't remove it, or ignore it. It is there. I think this is why men can't truly understand the biological clock thing. It's hella scary out here for us (SW over 30 who want to be married & have kids). We have society telling us our eggs are shriveling by the second, that there aren't enough men out there for all of us, and that we are likely gonna end up single and alone w/ our cats for the rest of our lives. I am 32 and according to everything (including my GYN) I got 3yrs left before any pregnancy I have is "high risk." At least for me – the reason I've been the type of woman that's giving you trust issues is because I am afraid of the kids thing. If I already had a child (or never wanted any) I wouldn't be pressed. B/c there is no clock on finding love and companionship. I can meet my soulmate at 80 but the window on me having a child is QUICKLY closing.

    Would I love to go back to my 20's when I had the time to just see where things were going? YES I WOULD! Carefree dating rocked! Sadly time waits for no man, including me and my future husband – so this is what it's got to be.

    1. The use of the word "us" is always baffling to me when talking about this. I can't tell if you mean "us" like women, or "us" as in i'm part of that too.

      1. In this instance – I meant "us" as in I'm part of that too. Not us as in women. Can't speak for all women. I am sure there are women out there who are 32 – want marriage and kids – but aren't pressed about the biological clock. For me – I was fine until I turned 30 and my doc told me that after 35 it'd be high risk. Then all of sudden I was (and still am) freaked out about finding Mr. Right & getting married, then knocked. ASAP

  18. I like this topic a lot, J. This encompasses the whole "Lean In" and" Women Should Find their Husband at College" conflict of the past couple of months. I can say for a Fact that not all Older Women are on Getting (Re)Married ASAP, as many Ladies on the thread have stated.

    I myself Proposed at 19, but circumstances have led me to be 25, with a 5yr old Daughter and Wishing I Fought for my Engagement and my Gut Feelings rather than the Momentum of the Climate (2007); People married Young Decades Ago for many reasons, and Today- not so much. I've Always Believed that a Relationship and the Time(s) to take it to the Next Level are Subjective and Exclusive for the Couple Involved in it.

    As far as "who" sets the Narrative goes, there's a Conflict in Tradition vs Modern Day- Set the Tone Yourself..

    1. Men Approach and are damn near Obligated to determine Everything by the rules of Chivalry for the longest, whereas Now not only Technology has changed things but there are Women who are not on the Toll-the-Line Feminism that was started years ago- for Good and Bad Reasons on their own merits.

      Not Enough Women are courageous to Propose like Chrissy Lampkin- but they have the Impatience towards Marriage of Chrissy Lampkin, lol. I was Ready to be Married at 19 and Still Today, but I want it to be with the Right Woman, or at least the One that Got Away…..

      All in All, Great Post

  19. Interesting take, I was told by a few older gentlemen who happen to have wives 10 years or so younger than them that it's a preference of theirs. I've heard other men say it's easier to 'mold' and 'groom' a younger woman, especially if you're late 20' to early to early 30's and she's early 20's. I personally think it depends on the man and what he wants. If you are the type who's already been there and done that (married and had children eventually divorcing) you may not want to settle right now and just want to have fun with a younger woman, who isn't ready nor looking to settle down her damn self so it's a match I guess. Maybe some men are intimidated by older women because they know exactly what they want and they're set in their ways, whereas a younger woman..not so much.
    My recent post If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It – Not So Fast, Is She Worth It?

    1. I have heard men talk about being able to mold a woman also, so they like them young. I have also watched men do this and watched the women get older and find herself and break out of the mold. I have watched men marry women twenty years younger than them only to have her grow up and out grow him, because while he did mold her, he didn't change and she out grew him and changed. I think that no one should get married until they fully understand themselves and can find someone they are compatible with and not someone who needs to be molded. And for the record I see women doing the same thing, they are choosing younger men because they can mold them. I am also seeing those men grow up, change and move on.

      My recent post Are You Trying to Keep Up with the Marketing Joneses?

  20. Well as an older woman. For some women it may be a matter of a ticking clock, seeing her other friends married or not wanting to be old and alone. Now for some women such as myself we have been around long enough to have learned that men know early on whether or not a woman is wife material. Women tend to look at all men they date as possible husband material, but men are different. If even they don't realize it, they decide very early if a woman is wife material. They know when they first introduce themselves to her if she is a hit it and quit it, girlfriend material or possible wife material. Women tend to think that they can help a man become husband material and overlook when he is not because they want him to be. If a woman is not wife material for that man there is very little she can do to change that, that includes getting pregnant, she will just end up a single mother while he marries someone else. I don't think that after 3 months it is a bad thing to ask a man where this is headed because if he takes the time to think about it, he really does know if he wants her as a wife. If he is not ready to be married, he isn't going to want anyone as a wife. He is internally ready to be married, he will know if she is the one he wants to be married too. Women should ask and listen to what he says and not try to change his mind. If he says he doesn't want to be married right now, then either move on or try waiting him out, but don't try to rush or trap him. If he says that it is something he has been thinking about, then you need to know if he is just thinking about it in general or if he is thinking about it with and then decide what you are going to do. Women want to know because they don't want to waste their time with someone who is not headed in the same direction that they want to go in. I will be 45 this year and I am definitely old enough to know if I just want to play with you or want more. Either way I want us to be on the same page.

    My recent post Are You Trying to Keep Up with the Marketing Joneses?

  21. I can’t hate on women/younger women. As long as there’s something there that’s all that really matters.

    But older women look better. I don’t know why, maybe its the way they carry on/drive/ swag but I have a spot for a woman in an s-class.

  22. I"ll be 32 in July and even if with my biological clock, I'm a take things slow kind of gal. So I understand where Dr.J is coming from when he says things are no longer organic. I get the impression that he wants to be married, but wants a woman who wants to be married TO HIM and not just THE IDEA.

    If my impression is right, I feel the same way. I know of an individual who is 'wife shopping.' Its pretty obvious. What I caution against is that he will marry the first woman who wants to get married at the same time he does, without regard to whether they have the compatibility and chemistry to make it work long term.

    Instant intimacy can lead to desperate disillusion.

  23. wow this post blew up. didnt read the comments yet but i can tell you what. it aint that deep. we like younger women for two reasons. 1. because their body is tighter and more fertile to have kids. 2. they are not yet poisoned and jaded by the harsh realities of the world and they can be guided in the proper direction easier than an older woman. can't teach an old dog new tricks (not calling yall the b word or even insinuating it so dont go there 🙂
    My recent post BLACK KIDS – YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

  24. You're looking for something that doesn't exist J. If you wanted to date or marry and older woman who already has kids, she probably wouldn't press you too much on marriage. Been there, done that, have the kids to prove it. Or if you wanted to date younger women who don't care about marriage yet or are willing to entertain the possibility of just wasting their time, you'd have more luck. But you're looking for a unicorn. An older, attractive woman, who doesn't have kids yet, but wants them, isn't married, but wants to be, who at the same time isn't too hard-pressed to find the right man to marry. It would seem foolish for a woman who is older and wants kids and a husband not to make sure from the get-go that that's something the man she's dating wants as well. And you don't want to marry a fool do you?

  25. This struck me and I feel you on this: "Like if you're up front with me and you tell me that you're ready to get married and so that's what you are looking for in a man. I'm probably going to walk away. Not because that's not what I want but because that's not my approach. We're going to constantly butt heads trying to do it that way. "

    As a woman, i have the same perspective about sex. Sex is 100% mental for me and so I need to be 150% in to a guy for me to give my body over. Too many men want sex before commitment and I want commitment before sex. The end result is always me walking (lately running) away. And when I tell dude upfront how I approach sex i get the side eye, i get told my standards are too high, im too picky, im unreasonable, not with the times, i need to relax, etc. Like a men dont wanna be with a shitty woman, I dont want to sleep with a shitty dude.

  26. From a "younger" woman's perspective,

    I'm not actively out looking for a husband. I want a husband. But I have time. And NEED time to feel each individual to out, develop a friendship, etc. It can take years of friendship to see that person on their worst behavior and that's what I'm really trying to see. So to some degree I understand.

    However, I think I would have a hard time ever being exclusive with that older man prior to a clarification of his intent to marry me.

  27. I would absolutely agree that marrying for fear of running out of time, or "to meet a deadline" is totally the wrong way to go about it.

  28. This is why I gave up on marriage. It’s not worth it for me ( divorced). Black men DONT see marriage or the benefits, like men of other races. Black women have so much going against them as far as marriage anyway. So it’s 4x harder for us to get married in the first place. I worked with 4 or 5 white girls in college. 3 or them had marriage proposals before they graduated. The two black girls nothing. It’s sad that we are a race of women that have to jump through hoops to be married, something that come so natural to every other race of women.

    1. I TOTally agree with you about not wanting to jump through hoops. I haven't had a relationship since my last one which was 5 years but I've decided after a year if I'm second guessing it, it's quitting time. I hope you haven't really given up though. It's still possible.

      As a 30 year old woman I am concerned with the maturity of the men I date and whether or not they re done seeing their wild oats so I'm starting to think I should go for someone older like 40 or 45. OR another race guy, black men seem to want a b?tch to do magic on a date and I am just a regular girl.

  29. It was very hard to follow this post. You want to find companionship but you don't trust women looking for companionship but you want to just be cool but you want to know that you can find companionship…what? I really don't get it. Just be real. This is the type of ish *I* wouldn't trust in a man if he said something like this to me

  30. We have no faith in each other anymore (generally speaking)! Im starting to feel like im going to be solo for life.

    1. this is true of me and one of my flaws…i will not outright say it. i dont like to let a guy know i like him if i am not sure he likes me in the same way…but taking a page from your book and going to be 100 percent more upfront…i want a partner or sure.

  31. " It’s no longer organic but something that’s a calculated decision about will I date him or will I not. That’s not something I’m down for anymore. I’m too old for that. I just want to know that I can find a companion to spend my life with, not someone who is trying to meet a deadline."

    I must confess I share the same sentiment and have for quite some time. Its nice to see that I am not alone in my assessment of the dating game with women beyond a certain age. I've encountered the exact same situations where i felt that I would have been more of an 'accessory' of sorts to a woman's life as opposed to someone she actually was organically in love with. No thank you.
    Last time I checked, I'm a man, not a handbag.

    Some women have their agendas and their focus is to ensure that their story ends the way they want it to, and will incorporate a man into her equation for that and only that purpose. No intention to build a loving organic foundation together, but is only interested in getting a man as an 'add on' to her existing home.

    I've seen these situations several times over. In my experience, it has not been the majority of women or even the majority of older women. In fact, i've only encountered few women who exhibit this selfish, calculated tendency. But its real nonetheless.

    Mr. SoBo

    My recent post Cleaning Out The Proverbial Closet, To Kiss Or Not To Kiss And More…

  32. I'm confused, it seems like the issue has nothing to do with a woman's age but you have trust issues. So therefore, you can date a woman that's 23 or 43 you're the one with the issue. You need to first learn how to trust. And that's something you need to do on your own. A woman knowing what she wants and being honest about it from the beginning should be praised and not looked at as some character flaw. I guess this is why I date older men. They tend to know what they want and aren't afraid of a woman with a backbone. Good luck on your search for love though!
    My recent post Picture Perfect



    And he'll look back on his life and wish he was nicer to any women that bothered to him the time of day, young or old.

  34. Women lie about their wealth to.get younger men. Also about women getting mood swings during their priors is the biggest b.s. excused used by women to get their attitude out there. Also most women are stubborn because they are mostly emotional they remember little details whereas men think more logical ..
    Women like to haven’t pride so they like to have things done their way. If this does not happen we become insanely crazy (some not all) lol… also women like guys around their age because they understand each other better. Many older women are just in for the ride meaning they just want a good time …this is true for 30+especially divorce women …also if a women is25 -34and she is busy in her career then she is looking for something special or someone but getting married hasn’t been her main priority becausshe want to make sure her success was do to her hard work not some guy she is engaged to or married to. While some women seek for gold and getting married, other seek to be successful by their own means they seek personal accomplishments as more valuable than fishing a rich husband …many men think women want a rich man but if that is just gonna make you feel like you are just taking his money and being a freeloader what’s the point of the relationship anyways it will bring personal shame on yourself.

  35. Women have fun with badboys n than want nice guys to commit. Nice guys have fun after 30 bc women loose there looks n want a baby. A nice guy who couldn’t get a date now has women chasing him after a long dry spell. Y would he settle. Women can’t have it all. Sleep there best years with jerks n once they r saggy they expect nice guys to marry them right away. Most women dont have a personality but just an ego boost due to male attn from an early age


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