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Being With Someone But Your Heart Is Elsewhere


 Being with Someone but Your Heart is Elsewhere

We have all been the proverbial rock in a hard place at one time or another. The past few days I have been in some thought about love. I’m very aware of how strong an emotion love is. I also understand that love doesn’t always correlate into relationships at all times. Many aspects of our lives are circumstantial. I realized that there are times that you are being with someone but your heart is elsewhere.

The list of reasons for this could really be long as hell. What prompted me to write this piece today was the fact that I have never been in such a situation. So like any intelligent person would these days, I took to Twitter to get a barometer of what a situation like this would be like. What I ended up getting was two totally different answers, and I wanted to examine them both.

Question: Have you ever been with someone but your heart was somewhere else? 

Janine:  Well it’s hard because I think about the person a lot; I even yearn for them to contact me. I try to focus all my feelings and love on the person I’m with and hopefully the next one will fade out of my mind.

Arielle: I left; I did what my heart was telling me to do and what felt good to me. It was what made sense then.

Obviously, we’re all different, so I can only retort from a point of who I actually am. With Janine’s response, I can certainly understand her. If you’re with someone currently you feel a certain loyalty to them. The idea of leaving someone for a past love can seem a bit mean. At the same token, I always say that this game doesn’t come without casualty. It’s all part of how things go. Janine believes the more she focuses on her current lover the less she would think about the past one. What is evident is that the past fellow is still heavily on her mind. I don’t know the particulars of that past situation, but what she theorizes has not come to pass.

See Also:  You Want a Ring? Play Your Position.

Arielle, on the other hand, followed her heart. She said she made the move that was truest to her. If I ever found myself in this pickle I’d probably lean more towards how Arielle handled things. When you really love someone I think it’s perfectly fine to see that through. If your prior relationship wasn’t one of a toxic or violent nature then I think you should test the potential for your emotions.

Everyone has their views on exes. I know that they vary and some are very brash in nature. As a man, I understand that if I’m with a woman and I’m constantly thinking of an ex then something should change. I would just want to see the finality of something; knowing whether or not it was meant to be or not.

Have you all ever been in a situation as described here? What did you do? If you haven’t, what would you do? Let’s start the discussion, where should our loyalties lie? With ourselves or with someone else?

DamnPops is a guest writer on the staff at SBM. His bio: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) http://viralstatus.com/category/kahlilhaywood/


  1. It depends. If the person is an ex I’ll stay with the one I’m with. Exes will always be tempting, you never fall completely out of love with them so really you charge that to the game. Maybe the one you’re with is just a rebound, but to go back to what’s convenient isn’t fair to anyone involved.

    However if its someone completely new perhaps I’ll pursue the new opportunity, sounds wrong but if I was truly in love with the person I’m with I wouldn’t develop feelings for the new person in the first place. It means I’m not truly fulfilled, and I’m in the pursuit of my own happiness.

    People handcuff themselves to the word loyalty, hold themselves back to hold their mate down. I didn’t stand before God and my family and promise to love you forever, I didn’t conceive a child with you….I only owe you an honest explanation

  2. I agree with Tristan. You shouldn’t be whimsical with your loyalties, but if you actually felt loyal to your Significant Other then you might not be so easily distracted. Just be honest. It sucks, but if you don’t cheat then you can respect yourself and have a real shot at building something with the next person. It is the overlap that makes the new person dismiss as a fling…then you blew up your life for nothing special.

  3. I agree with Tristan on the Exes part. I would most likely do what Arielle did. Life is short and you should be with someone that you truly have feelings for and that has all your attention. It’s not fair to you or her to stay in a relationship on the simple motive to spare her feelings. Also I believe if your developing feelings for another person than you must be spending time with this person, or texting and talking to them on the phone throughout the day which most likely your gf or bf doesn’t know about so your already doing something wrong. Your not doing her any favors by settling with her.

  4. Being placed in this position sucks but at the end of the day you’re the only person who has control over your happiness. I personally opt for going with what you feel over what you think just because we’ve been raised to believe that going with the logical choice is always the way to go which staying with the person you’re already with would be considering the problems that could incur if you choose to pursue other interest. But, just like a decision you have to make in your work life, you have to decide if what you’re doing is good enough to keep you satisfied or if you want to go for something you’re a bit more passionate about. The people who found true happiness in their life or relationships didn’t achieve it by remaining complacent in their situation just because it was “the right thing to do,” they took a chance. Unfortunately, just because you take a chance doesn’t guarantee you’ll be successful but at least you can look back on your life and say you tried.

  5. That is a very tough spot to be in.I don't know what I'd do, I hope I'm not there anytime soon. Imagine you're with someone out and about and they're enjoying themselves but you're not because you don't want to be there but you have to mask that as much as possible. You are thinking of someone else and longing to want to be with them but for whatever reason you can't have them. Or you're laying next to someone, but don't want to be there and all the while they think you feel the same way. The only person you should be loyal to is yourself, because at the end of the day you have to live with yourself and the decisions you've made. Again, this all goes back to being up front and honest, and as tough as it may be if you have to let someone go you have to do what you have to do. Nothing more, Nothing Less.
    My recent post Cleaning Out The Proverbial Closet, To Kiss Or Not To Kiss And More…

  6. They are called exes for a reason. What ever transpired between you to to cause the break up, will probably still be a factor. They are tempting because its something about them that made you feel good, but we often forget what it was that made us feel bad. I normally have to become busy to get over someone and focus on other things to distract me, and the next thing you know, I go from constantly thinking about them, to rarely thinking about them.
    My recent post If I can’t have you, I’m gon be single for the rest of my life

        1. I never said that that they will magically become the person for you. The phrase "exes for a reason" is stupid to me. It slickly makes the other person the reason for the breakup and locks them in as that person forever. Without knowing the reason for a breakup it unnecessarily cuts people out of your life.
          My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

        2. With that phrase, I do not believe, that it will make them responsible for the breakup. I believe that many of us have a part in the break up, not necessarily an equal part, but a part nonetheless. For instance I had an ex- who would always "change" from the last time we were together. And yes there were certain things that did change, but the core of our issues had not changed. If the reason you and the ex broke up was a simple issue that could be fixed or dealt with, then I could see one wanting to try it. However, if the reason was a moral, personality or another core belief, it may not be as easy to bring it together because sometimes the older we become the more fixed in our ways we can be.
          My recent post If I can’t have you, I’m gon be single for the rest of my life

  7. I've been in this situation and let me tell you it is not fun when you get to details of it.

    My girl breaks up with me and I'm in the not happy place of heartbreak. I go out with the fellas about 2 months later and as usual someone catches the eye. It was cool since I wasn't in the mindset of writing off women and she slick got me to take her number when in the flow of conversation she throws in "Well when you get my number and call me we'll see"

    I start seeing her and my interest in my ex slowly starts leaving and occasionally has spikes of interest where we see each other and enjoy each other's company. All the time new girl is in the dark. I ended up going to a restaurant for the first time twice doing this. I was fairly reckless because it was all in the same city and I could have easily been found out. I even get caught by the text message monkey and sent a text about the ex to the new girl saying how much I really care about her but deep down I know I still love the ex. This happened right before we were about to go out. She drops the bomb on me that I sent it and I was speechless. That was a turning point for me. I was letting my old life interfere with what I was currently doing. I stopped all communication with the ex at that point while fighting to get my new girl back. She let me back in and things were going good for some months until I ended the blockade of communication with the ex. We ended up hanging out with a group of people and that started things back since she was trying to force a psudo relationship with a guy while knowing I was in one the entire time.

    Some times goes by and the current and I somewhat naturally drift away. We just didn't talk for a week despite my attempts at contact. Once we finally talked when knew what was happening and ended it peacefully.

    The ex and I started seeing each other a little more frequently. While she wanted things to just jump back into the way things were I wasn't having it. I wasn't going to let any of the old issues come back up and I was not about to be taken for some roller coaster again and she decide she is free to date whomever. She hated that process but 4 years later and coming up on married two of those years we are still kicking.

    Plus she had my spawn so we're kind of stuck together (jokes people)
    My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

  8. Man I am in this situation right now. I left the ex. Moved cities and everything. Not because I didn't love him but because he wasn't committing to me the way I felt he should have been. It was one of those my heart wanted to stay but my brain told me I was an idiot. SO, I moved in August. Met a new guy in like Octoberish…didn't want to rebound but new guy didn't give up.

    Started a relationship with new guy in January. New guy is GREAT! Like seriously GREAT! He has some issues of course – but nothing I can't deal with. BUT I cannot stop thinking about the ex. I get jealous over his new relationship. I am ashamed to admit I even "follow" his & her social networks. I have dreams about him…all kinds of foolishness! I haven't cheated – but honestly that's probably only because we aren't in the same city and he seems to be in love with his new boo so he probably wouldn't.

    The new guy is leaps & bounds better than the old…but as they say the heart wants what it wants. New guy tells me he loves me, and notices my "reservations" but he is still sticking it out. Needless to say I feel like crap! Because I know I SHOULD love the new guy and forget the old…but I can't, so yeah.

    1. Stick with the new guy and here is why. Old guy is not phased by you at this point unless ya'll are doing some late night I miss you texts. I am intriged by the "he wasn't committing to me the way I felt he should have been" though. This isn't saying it was a bad relationship, just you felt like he wasn't doing what you figured he should be at the time. This probably isn't too different from what was going on in my situation.

      This is the results of your decision. Not saying its the end all be all but lingering on it is not fair to new guy at all.
      My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

      1. I totally agree with you 100% It was my choice. I want to move on but for some reason I can't seem to let go. I am with new guy daily and really trying to make myself get in line…hasn't happened yet though…

  9. I've definitely have been in a situation as such. When you leave a relationship unresolved, you're often left with lingering feelings. Those lingering feelings usually turn into you becoming lonely which then results in a huge rebound session. The rebound relationship is where I found that I was still in love with my ex. I stuck it out in my rebound relationship for as long as I could, but eventually ended up back to where the heart wanted me to be.

  10. I can't say I've ever been in this situation. For me, when I'm done and we officially break up, I take ownership of my heart back. It's natural to go through bouts of saltiness and analyze the "whys" and "but if I/he/she just do xyz, then…". However, there shouldn't be a yo-yo effect between your heart and logic with the new person. If you aren't sure about going forward w/ the new person (even if they are persistent or patient), fall back. The new person shouldn't have to deal w/ the pressure of kinda competing for a spot that's still occupied by an ex.

    I don't move on until I know I can give the new person 100% of me. I think sometimes (I say we and not "people" because I'm guilty of this) we don't stop long enough between break ups to fully understand what we did to contribute to the break up. I don't buy into the surface excuses of "we just grew apart", "it got too hard", "I wanna do me", etc. For any lengthy relationship, I think both the dumper and the dumpee have varying (if not equal) levels of responsibility and accountability. If those reasons were solely matters of the heart, it's probably always gonna be on some I want that old thing back.

    The gf0/bf0 effect is real. But in all honesty and from my experience, when you're truly over an ex or old casual joint and that relationship, your heart will always remain in the present. Far as loyalties, you're only responsible for YOUR feelings.

    My recent post What Do The Knicks Do Now?

  11. he/she is an ex for a reason. I've been on the other side of this situation..i dated a woman who wasnt over her ex. we'd date seriously, then she'd get confused and scared about what she wanted. Possibly go back to him. they wouldnt work out and she'd come back. Didnt know this at the time but as i look back at it now, this is what she did. the second time she felt "confused" i told her to go and be with her ex.

    she came knocking at my door (literally) 4 months after I said goodbye. I didnt let her in because my new girl was there. needless to say she regrets it now and is paying the price.

  12. This is further proof that life and love is truly complicated and not as black and white as some would like to believe. The heart is an entity all its own, and tends to run completely counter to what one's sensibilities is telling him/her to do.

    Unfinished business, open doors and good sex are some reasons why one would yearn for an ex and not the one in front of them. The other reasons could lay in the possibility that the current relationship is not as fulfilling in very crucial aspects despite how 'wonderful' the person may be.

    Depending on how much time one has invested in the current relationship, walking away may not be the easiest thing to do. But in the end, it is the right thing to do if one's heart isn't in it. Unfortunately, hurting the other person is unavoidable. it is probably the only time in a relationship where being completely selfish is for the greater good.

    Mr. SoBo

    My recent post If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It – Not So Fast, Is She Worth It?

  13. A friend and I were having this same discussion, except ours centered on the fact my friend was wondering if he married the right woman. I say that to say, just because a person finds themselves thinking, or wondering about an ex doesn’t mean that they should pursue those thoughts/feelings.

    Irrespective of which approach is right, there’s a good chance the ex is an ex for a valid reason. With the admission that violence and toxicity are perfect reasons for not being with someone again, so is the fact that maybe the person just wasn’t a good match.

  14. Honestly, I can say that I have never been in that situation (and I never plan to be). My heart has no room for two people at once. Furthermore, I take time (too much according to my friends) between the time I date one person to the next, and between the time I go from just talking-to-official. I think that plays a big part in my decision making because it allows me to really give ONE PERSON AT A TIME, the opportunity to occupy my life until I am sure. But hey, as Johnny Depp said, "If you're in love with two people at once, go for the second one you fell for. Because if you were really in love with the first person, you wouldn't have fell in love with the second."

  15. I’ve been the “other” woman. Fell in love with an anazing man. After six years, he is still confused. Their marriage was toxic, but he puts the blame on himself n hasn’t moved past his failures. No matter the many reasons, he failed n thats it. We’ve broken up several times over the years. I love him. I’ve never demanded what I deserve. Isnt that love? I’m just realizing now that he’ll never be completely mine n its time for me to love myself n get off this roller coaster. She will never stop pursuing him; guilting him into being with her. She’s selfish, greedy, delusional. Thinks im the only reason her fanily is broken apart. Uses the children as tools. Defy her, its chaos. He never puts her in her place. She acts a fool. She takes all his money n uses him for everything he’s worth. She put them in huge debt when they were married n hes barely making it by. He pays for that, plus over $1,500 month in support. She doesnt work, doesnt clean (disgusting). These were some of the problems they had n she still doesn’t try to clean her act up. She just wants him to deal with it cause they are married. She’s entirely selfish. She will never let him be happy. N he will never find happiness because he doesn’t take control of his own future. He doesnt want to go back but he cant go forward. How sick is that? He loves me but he cant give me what I need; he’s broken. I hope he finds the courage to put her in her place n find his happiness. Life is too short for that. If a marriage doesn’t work, u move on and take care of ur kids. He’s a great dad to his two boys (he has them every wkend n 2-3 week nights! N actually does stuff with them). He sadly thinks his boys will still be damaged by this separation.
    My parents divorced. I’m divorced. I’m fine. My son is fine. Life keeps moving!! Wtf?!

  16. It’s the toughest place u can be with love. I say that because I’m there now. I left a boyfriend that had a busy life but made time for me when he could. I was young and thought I’m beautiful in and out and I’m not getting any younger I need someone that can give me love and attention more than than twice to three times a week.(emotionally, and physically)
    My love for him was so strong i wanted to be the one for him. My love and intentions were pure. I would do anything for him. I wanted to rush into marriage and a family with him but he would answer give me 5-7 years… I thought to myself that’s too long. What made me leave him was not only waiting those years but I often felt lonely because of his schedule and when he would get upset I wouldn’t hear from him for a week or two? I thought who does that??? Maybe I didn’t mean much to him and maybe I was just a bootycall??? Who knows? The I love you’s were there things where just moving too slow for me.
    We’ll seven years later not too many days in a row that I would not think or miss him. My husband is the ideal husband but my heart is somewhere else.my efforts are nowhere near what they could be.my heart won’t do it. I tried to bury my heart for my ex and love someone else. My heart buried me with the pain of yearning for the one that had and still has my heart. I have to deal with this everyday. It hurts because I miss everything about him. It sucks so is advice don’t try it! Lol it hurts

  17. I left a love 25 years ago for the sake of my children . I’ve loved others but never the same. I recently decided to marry someone as I thought the love that we had was enough to settle down with. and be happy . Come to find that on my 3rd year married, my past reconnected me with the present , and I some how spoke to my first love. Immiediatly my heart, my souls, everything inside of me woke from what feels like a coma. Now I’m stuck , lost unsure of what to do. I don’t want to hurt my spouse, but my hear has traveled to the other side of the world, where my true love love lives waiting , still waiting for me to return. Nobody knows or has a clue but me and of course her…. 🙁


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