Home Featured Why can’t HE just be my Friend With Benefits?

Why can’t HE just be my Friend With Benefits?



Don’t forget that you too can have your question answered by one of the SBM staff, in addition to several thousand readers by sending a short, well written and explanative question to sbm@singleblackmale.org

Hey Single Black Male,

I am going to get straight to the point. I have known this guy since 2011 and we’ve never dated but we’ve had relations. The dynamics of our friendship is exactly how I like it. We have that type of friendship where we can fool around and nothing is interrupted [and] we can stay friends. I never tried to make it official or nothing like that but [when] I call him my friend and his whole demeanor changes like he catches an attitude. Or something, I know you are thinking that is because he likes you. I don’t think that is the case because when he introduces me he says, ” Oh this is ___”

I’m waiting for him to call me a friend but he won’t say it! Everyone always thinks we are together and when someone in public asks are we together or insinuates that we are a couple and I correct them and say that we are friends the atmosphere changes sometimes. But he doesn’t want to make it official; which I definitely don’t want him to. But the sex is great we get along perfect we debate and we can go long periods of time not talking to each other and start back being cool. Like we did not just not communicate for a whole year lol. Also when we are together we act like a couple and I pay attention to it and act like I don’t notice it for example we went out and he saw that I was wearing blue he was going to wear red but then he switched to blue.
I’m not good with signals can you tell me what’s going on?

First thing, congratulations on being one of the 17 women who are happy with their Friends with Benefits situation and don’t want more. I’ve been answering questions a long time, and finding a woman happy with her Friends with Benefits situation is like finding a Tyler Perry movie with an intelligent plot. Honestly, I could go on and on talking about this, but that wouldn’t be helpful to anyone.

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I’ll keep is simple this time.

He likes you!

Out of your entire letter, you made one mention of him not wanting to be more. You say “But he doesn’t want to make it official”, and nothing more. I can’t help but believe, deep down, if you were really trying to convince me and everyone reading this of how perfect your FwB situation was, you would say more.

You would tell me about how he gets up and goes home immediately after “relations”. You would tell me about how he doesn’t acknowledge the physical nature of things in public. You would tell me about how you have never met his mom. Lastly, you would talk about how every outing is a group outing that ends with a secret text about how he wants to converse with your insides later on.

Instead … nothing

So, I’m going to wrap this up quickly so you have more time to figure out the situation that 75% of men have come across before, and that is handling the FwB who wants to be much much more.

There are a million ways to go about it, but I suggest the SBM approach … ignore it and enjoy the “relations” as long as it lasts. When “the talk” happens, just start giving some head until everything is forgotten. Eventually that won’t work anymore, and then you just say “the friendship means too much to me … I wouldn’t want to risk it with a relationship”. That’ll buy you another 2 months.

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SBM aka Your best friend with the best benefits aka Guts

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  1. She basically answered her own question, he clearly likes her but he’s not going to say anything because well it’s consistent p and you can’t get a no to the question you don’t ask. Men typically dont go for the talk, they keep this in the back of their mind and will slowly but surely start looking to trade up. She should be on alert that if he finds someone new the cutoff will be swift and merciless, based off the months of resentment held within. She will be better looking, he will rub her in your face. and as a “friend” dare you to get jealous. I ain’t saying I was that guy before but I’m not not saying it.

  2. Lol at your last paragraph… I guess with men head solves everything.

    Yea she knows he likes her. Like Christian sort of said ” the friend zone ain’t so bad when your getting consistent pu****y” . While he might want more , he isn’t completely mad at this situation.

    Honestly the balls in her court. Maybe he’s starting to lose some of those cool qualities that made him a good ” FWB” because he’s starting to like her as more than a FWB. If the situation is no longer fun and becoming aggravating , then tell him you just want to be friends. Or if you want to spare his feelings (that he won’t clearly acknowledge) you could drop him and spare his feelings. But if everything is all good for the most part, then keep on keeping on.

    Side note: women can handle FWB. It’s just that a lot of women try to do FWB with guys who they wish would be their BF / men their actually have a romantic interest in. So that’s why you get so many of these type of layers with women in the opposite position .

  3. Wait – if she was writing you with the opposite story, saying he acts like they are a couple & whatever and SHE want more but knows HE doesn't – what would you be telling her? To stand up for herself? To get out before it hurts her really bad? To speak up & put her feelings out there so at least things are clear & they can choose to move forward (or stop) on no unclear terms? … But because he's the one who silently wants more, you say to just keep steamrolling over his emotions. Why? Does he not deserve to protect his heart too?

    There's no judgement here, and to be honest, I would probably ignore it & just try to carry on too (I think that's normal being in her position), but I'm quite surprised that as a guy, this is your advice.

    What if this guy was your friend? Is this what you would tell the girl doing this to him?
    My recent post The End of An Era…

    1. Of Course he deserves to protect his heart, BUT he ain’t doing it though. All them things you stated -stand up for yourself, speak your mind, etc. He hasn’t done it and she ain’t tryin to bring it up because she is the one getting what she wants out of the situation. The Same rules are applying just reverse genders, she wrote the letter not him.

    2. Yes, that would be my advice. That also would be my same advice if HE wrote in.

      I am a firm believer that you are the guardian of your feelings and situations, not the other person. In this case, the letter was from "the other person". She doesn't have to spend the time to decipher him and figure out the best action, that's his job. If the sexes were swapped, it would be her's.

      It's not a sex thing, it's a who is the "I want more" person and who is the "I don't want more" person.

      1. Soooo, even though its clear she knows he wants more, just ignore it & keep getting hers, at his expense.

        I dunno, I guess I would just hope that we would know better than to advise people to be selfish. We all act it when making our own decisions, but I feel like advising it is different. Especially when it's so obvious that someone else's feelings will likely get hurt because of said persons (advised) selfishness – it just seems well, ruthless.

        Great post though, got us talking 🙂
        My recent post Dear Diary…

        1. The problem is at what point is he responsible for his own well-being? If he likes her and wants more, is it her responsibility to dig and uncover the feelings he is trying to hide?

          I'm a caring and humane person, but I definitely expect and adult who is capable of agreeing to casual s*x to also be able to handle the emotions associated with that. I wouldn't want to give advice that I wouldn't follow myself.

        2. No, its not her responsibility at all – I totally get that, & agree whole hardheartedly.

          I just think that if she knows he's into her (which she does), and she knows she's not into him – then she should at least bring it up and make her feelings clear (again) so that they can both choose to continue this (or not) on no uncertain terms. How he chooses to live is life, & she hers, beyond that is up to them.

          But at the very least, I believe that as the person she's coming to for advice, its your responsibility to give her the news she might not want to hear or have to think of, but should probably consider. We don't have to think about the people around us, & how our decisions affect them, but that's not to say we should try.

          (Do I win yet? haha)
          My recent post Dear Diary…

  4. A chick wrote this but she’s actually the one with the feelings and he’s happy with the situation. Either that or she’s sleeping with a night rider who she would never see herself long term with… I haven’t the slightest why women do that. It totally changes the value of the vag but whatevs.

    Shoutout to Nuvaring and condoms.

    1. How does it change the value of the vag ? I could see if the situation was the opposite way around, but in this case.

      She thinks he's cool, she's get the company and Peen she wants without the responsibility of being a GF or potential gf. What’s wrong with that? So the value of her vag is attached to the title a man gives her? Maybe she is fronting and really wants him, but in the case that she doesn’t why is that a surprise…. Some men aren’t relationship material all their good for is a few good convo's, some drinks and some peen.

    2. Changes the value of the vag? HAHAHA. Who are you to place value on a woman's VAGINA? Men need to quit with this bs.

      Let's see some real scientific research on the supposed value of a woman, before people throw this crap around like it's fact.

      1. @Young Heaux

        It is scientific research, all you have to do is observe, cross reference & report what you observe.

        But I’m sleep tho

  5. Funny thing is, I was watching a couple on Judge Mathis yesterday and the roles were reversed there too. The woman wanted a fwb relationship only and it was the man who was sprung. Its rare but it does happen.

  6. It's his move.

    Contrary to popular belief, not all guys are built for the FWB life. Guys catch feelings too. However, there was a FWB arrangement, so if he's feeling different, he's the one that has to come out and say he wants more. He has three options:

    1. Ask to progress to an actual relationship.
    2. Continue in the FWB arrangement, even if he's not getting what he wants.
    3. End the FWB arrangement.

    Of course, you don't want more, but it's on him to sort through his own feelings. He has to be a big boy and make the next move, and decide if he can continue to handle being FWBs.

    1. I'm with you on this, Unc…

      It's on him to speak up and be real about how he feels.

      HOWEVER, if she knows full well he likes her and she doesn't want anything, the real right thing to do is to fall back…at least till he gets his emotions in check.

  7. I don't think he likes her at all. This is about him. All the stats say women are trying to find men to marry them. His feelings are hurt because she isn't pressing him for more. By not pressing him for more, he's thinking she has deemed him not good enough. After all, he probably believes ALL women want more from 'good' men. He considers himself a 'good' man. Yet, a woman who has been around him a long time, developed a friendship and a screw-ship doesn't think he's good enough for a relationship? EGO BLOW!

    This is all good for the young lady now because she she is getting what she wants. But this is one of the ways men end up obsessed with women. A chick who hurts a man's ego can easily end up being the main story line on any of Investigation Discovery's many '…Then he killed her..' television shows. I would suggest this young lady exit stage left as soon as possible. This doesn't bode well for anyone involved.

    1. True. +1

      Never thought of that. He could just be suffering from a bruised ego. Maybe he's done this type of situation before and the girl was pressed, it made him feel wanted. Now that he's dealing with someone who is actually cool with the situation, there's nothing to build his ego.

      1. Or he has had other situations with women where he had all the 'hand' but chose not to think of them as anything more than a hole or two because they weren't 'good enough'. Now someone is treating him the same way he's treated women and he thinks she thinks of him the way he thought of those women. If she keeps this up, he'll become resentful but still might get into a relationship with her to prove he could and that she wanted him all along. But at that point, he will be the worse partner ever because his motives will be based in bitterness. *shrug*

    2. "Deadly Women", "Disappeared", "I (Almost) Got Away With It", "The New Detectives", "DateLine".

      I used to love Forensic Files.

  8. Obviously the guy has no game because he would have acquired another option while still enjoying the free p***y. But naw naw, he has to catch feelings for a woman who doesn't see him as relationship material smh.

    I blame Drake for this travesty. ('-' )

  9. "Also when we are together we act like a couple…"

    Flag on the play. I was willing to give her a slight pass until she said this. So basically you are doing literally all of the things couples do but don't like that folks think you are a couple and that he possibly wants more.

    You are part of the problem at this point. Simple rule, if you don't want to be viewed as a couple stop doing couple stuff. Trust me, other people see the subtleties of the relationship when you are out. You're in a relationship at this point, conversation be damned. You just don't realize it
    My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

    1. "Simple rule, if you don't want to be viewed as a couple stop doing couple stuff."

      Couple Stuff –What exactly is that nowadays?? LIke Seriously!!

      Protocals/Guidelines in what people would have considered to be a Fwb/JO/GF or Boyfriend have gotten so blurred nowadays – Fwb and Jumpoff situations rules/regulations are no longer just BLACK N WHITE anymore, there are sleepovers, socializing in the daytime/ providing favors, hanging with friends, movies and dinner, etc. Stuff that origianlly was reserved for a Significant other, so again I ask what is Couple Stuff nowadays??

      Just as long as we both are aware and in agreement and we both accepted it for what it is there isn't any reason why we can't as adults enjoy each other's company before 10pm…

  10. A couple of notes

    1) I don't know why anyone get mad about using the word friend; most likely their mutual friends already know what the deal is.
    2) More than likely his ego is hurt. These new n*ggas are walking around these streets believing that all women are ready to bring any man with a good job home to momma. When they find out that it isn't the case, they feel some kinda way. Kinda like the pretty girl who gets dissed for the first time ever.
    3) Men get caught up too. Don't let these fake twitter studs fool ya. They're up in Marvin's room more than you think.

    Ultimately, do what you want to do, but if you respect him as a friend and want that to last longer than any cut buddy situation, you may want to have a frank conversation with him. When it's the girl that's jilted, we always tell the guy to consider her feelings, so its the same deal when its vice versa imo. You clearly believe that he's lying on his feelings, so it just may be time to take a hiatus on all that. Plus, good D is a lot more common that people would have you believe.

    1. "They're up in Marvin's room more than you think."

      Filled to capacity with now Standing Room Only… BOL!!!

  11. Maybe I am just an a$$hole but I don't think he has feelings for her AT ALL. I think he is playing the HELL outta this situation. He won't call you a friend b/c you aint his friend, you are his CUT. That's it that's all. And the reason he gets funny when you call him friend is b/c he doesn't consider you worthy of the term (not because the term is insufficient to describe your relationship…in fact the term is TOO significant for what you are to him).

    He probably allows her to do things SHE is viewing as couple things b/c it's convenient NOT because he is trying to boo her. This is a very clever little game he is playing – make you think you are holding the cards and YOU are the one avoiding the relationship….hahahahha Silly Rabbit! Bet money he ain't thinking twice about you. You think you don't talk to a man for a year and he just sitting kicking it with Palmela till you pop up?!? Even her oh he put on blue b/c I had on blue example is reaching. What man even thinks about changing clothes to match his boo? Girl get out your head and quit trying to sell us the lies you've sold yourself. You looking for more than it is. LMAOOOOO Good luck w/ that though 🙂

  12. He likes the physicality, and eventually he, if not already will catch some kind of feelings for her and get territorial. Let him find out you're giving the cutty to someone else as well. Men and Women get territorial over that, I think women do it more. But its tough being in that situation, if you are just messing around and you chill with the person enough to realize how cool they are so its good sex+she/he's cool, it's a recipe for disaster because the lines of emotion gets crossed. When it comes to sex emotions always get involved I don't care who you are.
    My recent post Cleaning Out The Proverbial Closet, To Kiss Or Not To Kiss And More…

  13. "I’m waiting for him to call me a friend but he won’t say it!" "But he doesn’t want to make it official; which I definitely don’t want him to."

    I don't think dude likes you as much as you think…Maybe he's a little territorial. Or maybe he's simply annoyed because people keep asking the status of your relationship. He honestly doesn't seem to be too concerned about the whole fwb arrangement though.
    In fact, the woman who wrote this seems to be looking for validation from this guy. She might not want a relationship, but the fact that she's even giving this so much thought makes it seem like she wants him to acknowledge her in some way.

    1. ^^^ Finally!! I was wondering if anyone else was seeing that.

      I'm totally with you on the territorial point. I never had a fwb who liked to know I was dating other people ijs….

      But most of all the fact that she is even giving it this much thought shows she cares way more about the status of this relationship than she writes about here.

      Honestly, she reminds me of my girl friends who in the beginning of a fwb relationship they say "oh i don't care about him, girl" or "i don't want anything serious anyway" when in actuality she is already planning their wedding or facebook stalking him on a daily basis lol. it's called frontin' and sometimes we do it in front of friends cause of pride and sometimes we do it in blog letters because we want to make the lie that much more believable to ourselves.

  14. I agree that there is a possibility that this has to do with homie's ego. I've noticed guys at least in my circle who act weird when I call them "friend" too. Like they're getting sentenced to the friend zone?

    Especially if you're "girlfriend pretty" and too willing to clarify that he's "just a friend" to other people, maybe his ego is bruised.

  15. Cue the legal team entering with "The Love Contract" accompanied by "The Confidentiality Agreement"!


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