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Three Characteristics of Successful Men That Appeal To Women

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While having a conversation with some of my boys, we joked on the weekly Twitter debates on the $200 date. No, I won’t start that up, but we just reflected on how stupid it is that some men and women judge a man by his ability to provide a $200 meal. That discussion sparked this blog, because it angered me that men make interactions with women more difficult than they need to be. I’m beginning a 3 part series which will dive into this topic and will hopefully shed some light on my perspective of the dating scene.

In this installment, I discuss the hidden qualities that men can show to make themselves more appealing to women. This is hidden only because the best place to hide things is right in people’s faces. What I will say may not be “new” but it’s something that men need to hear. Money alone does not determine your worth and appeal to quality women! If you deal in certain circles, you’re more than likely a young professional making good money, earned a few degrees, are a part of professional organizations, and have climbed the ladder to success. More than likely, you’ll have comparable stats with other men, so what makes you different? The following three qualities can help you to diversify yourself and show you that true potential isn’t always on a superficial level:



A Diversified Vocabulary

I hate and appreciate the English language equally, due to its complexity. There can literally be 50 synonyms for one word. Men don’t have to be language arts masters, but it says something about a man who can articulate his thoughts without vulgarity ever 4 words or utilizing the phrase “You know what I’m sayin?” When a man can properly convey a thought in a clear and concise manner, it shows that you are knowledgeable, educated (not just “book smarts”), and intelligent. When I was younger, I would switch up how I talked in school as opposed to my friends because I was ashamed of being the “smart kid”.I didn’t want to be labeled as a nerd or geek, and I didn’t want to sound like I was above everyone else. As I got older, I realized that you should never hide your intellect to massage another person’s ego. Narcissism isn’t appreciate either. Embrace higher learning and don’t fear the repercussions of how you positively present yourself. Women appreciate communication, so naturally they appreciate a man who is clear in thought and word. You don’t have to have the gift of gab, or have the stoic, broody, teenage vampire show esque persona to be effective. Synonyms are your friend! Exhibiting diversity in how you communicate will be appreciated by women and hey, it works in business and other interactions too.

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Be a Gentleman

It’s sad to say that this isn’t the norm it should be in this day and age. As men, we are influenced by the father figures in our lives, whether it’s our father’s older brothers, cousins, uncles, or good friends. We can learn all of the values and principles from our mother’s but watching men apply (or discard) those gentlemanly measures will be a equal or greater influence. Being a gentleman is more than the cliche idea of chivalry. It’s the way you speak to women, treat women, and carry yourself as a man. Its a level of class that the normal man doesn’t have and exuding this aura of class can separate you from the pack. Not everyone deserves to be treated with class, especially if they carry themselves without class , however you can control the way YOU act. I juxtapose my method of thinking with the example of always tipping regardless of service. It’s customary, the proper etiquette, and you execute it because it’s the right thing to do. That’s how I see being a gentleman. Walk with a classy aura and you’ll draw the right type of woman.

Get You Some Culture

The usual school curriculum before college is well rounded with a variety of subjects for kids to learn. At the time, I thought it was unnecessary and didn’t see the value in a diverse class structure when some of the things I learned I wouldn’t use in real life. As I got older, I saw that you do use that knowledge whether or not you are aware. As I mentioned earlier, conversation can make a man’s appeal turn from a 10 to 1 quick. When you have a variety of topics to discuss, you prove to be a more well rounded individual. Once again, education isn’t relegated to the classroom. Knowledge is readily available to receive. You don’t have to know about everything, but it helps to have diversity and versatility in your subject matter.

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These are just 3 qualities that men can apply and execute towards making themselves more appealing to the opposite sex, and just a better individual overall. It isn’t always about the money, clothes, and cars. Substance will always trump frivolous, materialistic possessions.

StreetZ

Ladies do you agree? Fellas any more qualities? 

Comment(56)

  1. I am in complete agreement with the qualities listed, I’d just add that ability to listen trumps the ability to talk. I’ve had my share of tear-inducing snoozefest outings with the most verbose of gentlemen, but recalling a small detail of a conversation a week later will make any woman pause and notice. Also, um..reading comprehension helps. This is a date, not jeopardy, and stuffing your head with info means little if you do not learn how to convey it properly. My 20’s were full of embarrassing verbal diarrhea moments for this very reason, lol.

    1. I agree 100%. The last thing you want is a Cliff Claven (Cheers Reference for the uncouth in pop culture, lol) type of dude that has useless information! Listening is paramount as well

  2. I agree with this small list. And I'd just like to point out that they are all examples of demonstrating that you are a high valued man, and women are attracted to men who have a lot of value.

    So if you can't read gud and don't know how to be a gentleman, then paying $200 for her meal and driving an expensive car will demonstrate high value, just as leading a group of rebels to battle during the revolution will demonstrate high value, just as being tall and/or good looking will demonstrate high value, etc.

  3. I think this blog is really well written and I appreciate what you're trying to do. But I*don't* actually agree that any of these traits will necessarily catch a quality woman's eye.

    IMO, all the traits you mentioned are things that women want to BRING to a relationship. I actually want a man who's a little (a lot?) rough around the edges. That way I can clean him up and feel like I've improved his life. In a strange way, I find it gratifying.

    I like that I introduced my husband to cultural things! I like that he opens up and tries to articulate his emotions and thoughts, not to the whole world…but just for me! I wanted him to be kind hearted and considerate when I first met him, but the fact the he was a little rusty in the "charm department" made it so I got to see him make a special effort just for me. And that made it all the more valuable.

    I think that woman really are looking for a smart, honest mate who is a faithful provider, a hard worker, a good listener and a loyal friend. I hate to say it but the fact that he's also kind of a neanderthal isn't so bad. In fact, it might actually be a good thing. Who doesn't love a diamond in the rough?
    My recent post The Split: Your Heart says Run, Your Head says Love, Now what?

    1. I get what your saying but it’s a double edge sword. Like in one way opening him up to all of these things ( granted that he’s actually a diamond in the rough and not a ring pop in the mud) then it could be a good thing.

      But then you can have those guys that are rough around the edges that you build up, polish and make look better who take those thing you taught them and bounce. It’s like this movie with Wendy Rakel ( principle Grier from the Steve haven’t show ) . She meets this guy ( played by bobby brown) he’s a mechanic. Has a Jerry curl, could use a change of wardrobe and some of the characteristics you named up top. Basically she upgraded him, then he realized he was an upgraded and started looking at his options, that were never available to him.

    2. I am happy what you wanted worked for you. Being able to grow with a person willing to grow with you is a beautiful thing.

      HOWEVER…

      I am approaching my mid-thirties. I’ve about had my fill of “projects”. I have done my required community service and prepared enough dudes to be the perfect man for the next one after me that I THINK I have a right to ask the good Lord for a man, not a son. The Acosta charm school is closed, please come with couth. I am not in the business of changing, molding, adjusting, or any of that exhausting stuff that’ll make either me or my Him resentful later on. The only thing I teach is how I like to be loved or cared for. But to each his own.

      1. Girl, I was over here like… o_O

        I'm def in THIS line…not that one, lol.

        The mere thought makes me wanna take a nap! Smh…

      2. lol, yea I'm sure I'd feel just like this if I had dated 2-3 Marks (my hub) before I met Mark. It's would obviously suck to pour your energy into someone for the benefit of someone else.

        Also, I don't think I changed Mark necessarily. He didn't need to change. That's why I married him. It's more that I brought *me* to our relationship and because I like to do more than go to the movies and drink juice….he inevitable gets to experience more in life, just by being with me.

        There is a fine line between "adding" yourself and trying to change someone else thought. A very fine line. IME, Mark LOVES the former but HATES the latter….so I can def tell when I'm going overboard.
        My recent post The Split: Your Heart says Run, Your Head says Love, Now what?

        1. I said something kinda similar to your last paragraph down below.

          Thanks for clarifying, lol.

      3. Cosign on all that Amaris. I do not have the patience to teach, mold or create a good man. There is a difference between teaching, coaching, schooling, molding, and inspiring. Bringing out the best in a person when it was already there, it just needed to be brought out is one thing, trying to bring out things that are not there, and you end up having to try to induce it in a person is another. No trying to force square pegs into round holes or vice versa for me.

      4. I see where you're coming from as far as wanting a man not a son. But the concept of women believing they can "mold" or "improve" a man to fit their desires reeks of manipulation and solipsism. Why would anybody want to be "prepared" to be the perfect man– as if his sole purpose in the relationship is to fulfill his woman's ridiculous expectations.

        I've had this happen to me several times, and the main reason I went along with it was to keep the peace, not to be a clay man-project. I imagine other dudes are the same.

        So when I hear a woman bemoaning the idea that the man they "perfected" uses his newly acquired perfection on the next woman, I think its straight up entitlement. Even worse is the idea that doing this multiple time to different dudes in the past entitles you to get a pre-perfected man the next time around. If you want a perfected man, you gotta start with being his perfected woman.

        Think about it like this… if you spent all that time making him perfect, are you sure you're actually meeting his standards of perfection? By pushing/encouraging a man to maximize his value to you, without improving yourself by the same amount, you can easily price yourself out of your own relationship.

        1. +1 here. There is little advantage (for ME) to "turn" someone into the person "I" want them to be (for ME). I'd rather take someone I want 100% from day 1. The growth we do from there is the growth we do from there. But like I said before, to each his own. There are plenty of men who don't believe a woman is worth a damn unless she "makes you better", and there are plenty of women who gain immense satisfaction from the upgrading process. This is not to say I won't push you as a human being or expect the best from you, just that "molding" is not the trade I studied or am proficient in.

    3. "I think that woman really are looking for a smart, honest mate who is a faithful provider, a hard worker, a good listener and a loyal friend. I hate to say it but the fact that he's also kind of a neanderthal isn't so bad. In fact, it might actually be a good thing. Who doesn't love a diamond in the rough? "

      Who doesnt love a diamond in the rough? You'd be surprised, lol. Maris pointed it out below but yeah, a lot of woman get burned by building a man up and never seeing the fruits of their labor.

      The point of this list was to give qualities that make men rise above the average. All those things you spoke about can and still do occur. I know well rounded men who date women that open their eyes to new experiences all the time. That doesn't mean those men can't come to the table with more than deep pockets and nice clothes, feel me?

      1. "a lot of woman get burned by building a man up and never seeing the fruits of their labor."

        I would argue that maybe these women get burned not because they put effort into improving their man's life, but because they kept laboring long after they stopped seeing any fruit. Building up, holding down, and standing behind her man is what a woman is supposed to do. It's just up to her not to do all that when he isn't really invested in the relationship too.

        "That doesn't mean those men can't come to the table with more than deep pockets and nice clothes, feel me?"

        Yes, I do. I just didn't think the things you picked would really give a man too many more points. IMO, honestly, loyalty faithfulness and good listening skills on top of deep pockets would be a mind blowing man. Being able to talk a lot & having seen Aida on top of having deep pockets is…eh, OK I guess.

        My recent post The Split: Your Heart says Run, Your Head says Love, Now what?

      1. Heck no. It's not about fixing him. This is where I think a lot of women go wrong. They meet a cheating man and want to nurse him back to faithfulness. Or they meet a Jerk and want to guide him back to Jesus. You can't change another person. If it's broke *don't* fix it.

        You can, on the other hand, expose another person to new (better?) things.

        For example when I met my husband he didn't have drawers. He just kept his clothes in large bags and piles around his house (not joking). When we moved in together I folded his stuff and put them in his closet for him…and now he hangs stuff up on his own accord.

        I admit that he used to really resists me encouraging him to try new things because he doesn't like the implication that the old thing he was doing was wrong and needed to be fixed. BUT, now that I've gained his trust and he knows that I'm not trying to change or neuter him, he is more amenable. He would never say this, but I think he secretly likes how much I've broadened his horizons. I think Streetz ^ called it "building a man up".

        I think it's all about the way you go about doing it, and who you go about doing it for.
        My recent post The Split: Your Heart says Run, Your Head says Love, Now what?

        1. Amazed? Goodness, is it really that crazy? Before today, I honestly thought he was a regular bachelor guy and I was a regular woman shinning him up. #liveandlearn:P

    4. Amicus, keep in mind the list Streetz posted are qualities that will Attract women. And thats where it all begins. Simply with Attraction. Doesn't necessarily mean they are enough to keep that woman and maintain a relationship with her. But I see it all the time, all those qualities definitely catch a womans eye and get her undivided attention. Watch a womans reaction to a man that speaks another language.

  4. I would add charismatic, in love and life, no matter how articulate, polite and cultured you are, it means nothing if you don’t know how to display it well (my struggle). Women don’t have the patience to crate dig, what catches their eye is what’s on display.

  5. <div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-652064322"><a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(652064322)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2 Fwww.singleblackmale.org%2F2013%2F05%2F29%2Fthree-characteristics-of-successful-men-that-appeal-to-women%2F#IDComment652064322&t=I%20just%20commented%20on%20Three%20Characteristics%20of%20Successful%20Men%20That%20Appeal%20To%20Women%20-%20SBM" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(652064322)">Close MessageThe thing is, men find this attractive too in women…. this is a short list, but that it is overall universal.

  6. I don’t mold. I think it takes a lot of nerve to believe someone needs molding. Like who ARE you to believe a person needs to change their core to be good enough for you? I didn’t want my comments to come off as haughty as it did, because all of my “adjustments” were emotional (like a divorcée or being someone’s first girlfriend). There are plenty of women more than happy to get their satisfaction by adding to their man’s life by “upgrading” him, and that’s perfectly fine. I just don’t, is all. I am certain that there are many other ways to feel like I’ve brought enough to the table to be er….kept around for dinner, lol

    1. I really had no idea why you were so upset because this comment is out of place. I see both of y'all perspectives and I think both of y'all make some good points. I wouldn't dismiss either one of your opinions.

    2. I think there is a difference between making a man feel like you pull him up in some areas and straight up taking a man from the gutter to hollywood, lol.

      Making a neanderthal into a modern man is a bit too much work for me to take on personally. But, introducing a man with Streetz listed qualities to Thai food, taking him from the 90's to a manly metrochexual style of dressing ("…fit doesn't mean gay, honey!"), suggesting a good read after not picking up a book for years is just fine with me.

      1. Exactly. I’m all for evolution. Just not to the point of mothering. I just don’t have it in me. In fact, my “ideal” situation is where we open each other to new things we may have not paid attention to. There are fewer things that get me going than a man proficient at something I am not. Boyyyyy…….

        1. "There are fewer things that get me going than a man proficient at something I am not. Boyyyyy……."

          *fans self*

          Yes, Lawd! Indeed!

    3. I certainly wouldn't touch a man with a bad core, or a core I thought needed changing. And I probably wouldn't try to heal someone emotionally either…that's his job.

      However, I don't see what's wrong with upgrading him to magic shave so he doesn't get bumps. I don't think of it as arrogant or haughty…especially if it comes from a place of love & respect. It's not about making him good enough, it's about making him more comfortable.

      1. However, I don't see what's wrong with upgrading him to magic shave so he doesn't get bumps.

        Because you're a woman? I'm sorry I find nothing attractive about a man that isn't motivated enough to handle his grooming issues on his own or ask other men to get suggestions. That is vastly separate than both of us having prior experiences that we expose each other to. I don't want to marry a child or ever create that dynamic. I want a man I can stand next to and support (as he does the same for me).

        1. "When you meet someone you have to decide if you can deal with some of the outward things that you notice before you take it further."

          Man, I could write a whole blog about this! I have so many girlfriends who disregard a guy because of the "outward" things they see, and I never understood how they could pass on a good guy because of his hair, shoes & clothes. These things are so *incredibly* temporary and IMO it's a bad idea to base a potential relationship on them. I also don't think it's a good idea to date a guy because he has money, as that is temporary too. After reading some of the comments here, I'm starting to think that a lot of women are fundamentally misunderstanding what it means to "not change a man".

          No one wants to be told that who they are isn't good enough. Especially men as they thrive on being honored, respected and loved. BUT, you can honor respect and love your mate and STILL suggest he stop wearing underwear with holes in them.
          My recent post The Split: Surviving The Love Hate Relationship

        2. When I suggest things to my husband, it's not because I think he can't or isn't motivated enough to do it himself…if I came at him with that attitude, we wouldn't be married. More than that, if I thought he was a child or an unmotivated individual, then I wouldn't be with him.

          I think the difference between me and you is that I don't think you can look at how a man shaves and judge his motivation skills. That sort of character trait takes time to observe. IMO, judging a guy by his cover is what gets a lot of women in trouble.

          Of course it's up to you whether you want to or not. BUT In my experience, a guy wouldn't mind you introducing him to Magic Shave so long as you don't judge him by saying he's "not motivated" to do better when you do it.

        3. You're not making your husband sound too good here. Unless you're a dermatologist why would a man share with you that he's having issues with razor bumps? Does he not go to the barber shop? Has he been living in a cave? How is he not capable of asking other men how to deal with a simple issue such as figuring out Magic Shave works for (many) black men? Why would he do nothing until you tell or suggest it to him?

          Why would your mate think its ok to sit in holey drawers until you tell him its time to buy some new ones? Why would you even excuse the fact that he does? If he can't handle the responsibility to take care of himself how will he take on the responsibility to be head of my household?

          A man that can't take care of details for himself won't be interested in details for me and I refuse to be a make do woman. If it works for you then good luck but please don't push those kind of standards on other women or men.

        4. "Unless you're a dermatologist why would a man share with you that he's having issues with razor bumps?"

          I think the only reason you could ask this question & others is b/c you've never been married before. It's nearly impossible NOT to share these things when you live together.

          "A man that can't take care of details for himself won't be interested in details for me and I refuse to be a make do woman."

          Yea, I'm not a make do woman either. Good luck yourself.

          My recent post Grounds for Discussion: How to Stop Nagging Now!

  7. I like all of these traits and I will add to this list the ability to lead or draw people to you. I really enjoy going to events and seeing my dude at the center of it all, with other men deferring to his opinion and actions. This is a man that other men look up to and admire, and that is definitely sexy. He doesn't do it with money, fear or other coercion. I guess it's charm/charisma and his character that shows through so clearly as something to strive towards.

  8. These very qualities (in addition to the qualities that should be a given) have me talking to a man that I wouldn't date otherwise! Not bad looking at all…just not my style (in the presence and clothes department). But, I am very much attracted to who he is! The conversation and interactions are beyond awesome…

    Great list, Streetz!

    I'd also add a sense of humor. Making a woman laugh will take you FAR!!!!!!!!

  9. I agree with the above three qualities and will co-sign with Maris re: the ability to listen. Good conversation coupled with the ability to flex your vocabulary is great, but for the love of God use the word in the right context. There is nothing sexy about throwing big words around and not knowing if you've used it properly. [smh]

  10. Streetz this was a great list and I wholeheartedly agree with it. Generally speaking All of the characteristics you listed do indeed appeal to women. In fact they are the very things that many women
    enjoy when dating multicultural men, at least I enjoy those things. Even in my male platonic friends, I love the fact that they can teach me about their country and other countries because they are usually so well traveled. While men I think like dating inter-racially for beauty and exotic looks, many women like dating inter-racially for all the things mentioned on the list above: Diversified vocab, gentlemenly behavior, and culture. Not saying American men do not have this, but not many men born and raised in the good ole US of A can speak several languages and are well versed about various countries and cultures unless they're Army brats or just traveled a lot.

  11. The only thing I would add is being consistently attentive. That will keep a womans attention on only that man for a very long time.

  12. Women with the least qualities crank out the longest lists. And what’s with the quest for perfection in a man (now, I entreat no woman to settle) but most guys like myself stay away from women with high expectations–most of which a large number of men today far exceed anyway. But coming from a guy, i know know i have before YOU notice them and pay attention. As a matter of fact, you only notice them because I’m also skilled at marketing them. And I’m not ready to offer them to the first bidder. Cultured, articulate, gentlemen know their worth (after all, they put in work/effort to become who they are, and know the difference between themselves and those men who fall short of those standards). They didn’t wake up one day cultured and groomed just for you. And chances are that they know and are very keen to leverage those qualities and their hardwork to their advantage. My simple point is, women often make the mistake of checking off every box on their “Qualities List” and still end up with the highly active man-whore.

    Yes, go for gold. But be mindful–not all that glitters is gold.

    Also, it never hurts to include religious values. It’s surprising how many formerly ‘perfect couples’ end up separated because of differences those areas. Yes, sometimes those differences provide the fodder for lively conversations and an awesome dating experience–but I’m talking long term consequences here.

    1. "My simple point is, women often make the mistake of checking off every box on their "Qualities List" and still end up with the highly active man-whore."

      EXACTLY! If your quality list includes things like….nice toes, no razor bumps and perfect underwear. You really can't be surprised when you end up 1) alone b/c no one is perfect and you disregarded good men for shallow reasons or 2) with a man of poor character but really nice shoes.
      My recent post Married Life, Gutter Fights: Can you change a man?

  13. Not a lady, allow me to interject if I may, I feel when it comes to men getting a woman it all boils down to at the end of the day just being yourself. Period. No need to go above and beyond and be someone you're not to impress a young lady. You can be successful, have money, along with a 3-letter title but none of that will matter. As long as you carry yourself the right way as a "grown man" and simply be comfortable enough to be who you are, then no problem. Good article though.
    My recent post Plain And Simple…I Fcuked Up

    1. I disagree to a certain extent. If being yourself means you are usually quiet & reserved, then you will end up essentially waiting for a woman to approach and engage with you. Which is a terrible way to attract women– especially the kind of women you probably want.

      "Be yourself and wait for your ideal mate to magically appear and talk to you" only works for women. That's not a strategy that works for men unless you want to attract women who are so desperate they've resorted to approaching men.

      "Be yourself, but take the initiative if you like her" works way better.

      1. being yourself, i mean not being someone you're really not. Like if you're not 'hood' don't try to be, if you're not the contemporary artsy type don't be…If your quiet and reserved you most certainly can get a woman….a good one too. I probably can't speak for all women but I'd be curious what they think, I don't think women like guys who are too out going.
        My recent post Plain And Simple…I Fcuked Up

  14. I think that when someone goes into a relationship with the intention to mold, it is doomed from the beginning. A woman should accept a man for who he is and if he is willing to grow then that's great but I think that's why so many women get frustrated with men because they always see the potential and not the person that is standing in front of them.

    Instead of thinking I want to mold him, a woman should think is this someone who wants to be better? Someone that wants to develop?
    My recent post Lessons from the Women in the World 2013 Summit

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