5 Things Men Should Eventually Accept about Women and Relationships
A few weeks ago I logged in to moderate comments when I came across one from a user named “Taylor” on a former post, Rise of the Lazy Man. We didn’t mean to censor Taylor’s comment but since he used more flagged words than a little bit, the system automatically held his comment for moderation. You can read Taylor’s (slightly edited, mostly safe for work) comment below.
I hate to admit it, but I saw a little bit of myself in Taylor. I think most young men have varying degrees of Taylor in them. No offense to Taylor, but he’s the type of man most of us try to overcome as we grow older. He’s also the guy that mothers and fathers warn their daughters about. Hopefully, over time, Taylor will grow into a well-rounded, fully functional, positively contributing member of society. Although I don’t know Taylor from any other stranger on the Internet – and he has no reason to listen to me – I still decided to share a couple thoughts with him (and men like him) that I wished someone shared with me when I was a 21-year-old young man with a mindset like Taylor.
Youth is Wasted on the Young
Youth is fleeting Taylor. You won’t be 20-something forever, and when you look back on your life you’ll be surprised how quickly it went. This might be difficult to process at 21, a time when you literally have your entire life ahead of you. But, when’s the last time you sat around daydreaming about when you were 11? It seems like forever ago doesn’t it? The same can easily happen at 31 if you’re not careful when you’re 21. Be sure what you’re doing now is something you’ll look back on with pride in 10 or 20 years. Are you taking advantage of your time or are you wasting your time? I can’t answer that question for you. It’s something you have to figure out for yourself, but I imagine there’s something better you could be doing with your time than engaging in random hook-ups with women you seem to have a moderate amount of real interest in.
The Road to Hell…
…is paved with good intentions. Let me be clear Taylor, I’m not judging you. For a period in my life, I was you. However, I would be remiss not to point out that the best laid plans can be easily derailed. You say you’re in college and you plan on going on to graduate school. That’s admirable, and I sincerely hope that works out for you. I just hope you’re protecting yourself, physically and emotionally. The thing about random hook-ups is they can lead to permanent consequences, and not just the obvious ones like kids and STDs. Some of the not so obvious consequences are the emotional and mental impacts. After a lifetime of random hook-ups and unemotional trysts with women in your youth, it might be difficult for you ever to see women as more than random hook-ups and objects to be conquered. This will do a disservice to you and any healthy relationship you might hope to foster in the future. If you’ve only ever seen women as objects to fulfill your sexual needs, it’ll prove increasingly more difficult for you to ever accept that the woman that will eventually become your wife can bring more to your life than temporary, physical pleasure. In actuality, a (good) woman can bring a lot to your life. More than I could ever hope to describe in a 1,000 word post, but she can only do so if you allow yourself to fully embrace all the benefits that a woman and a healthy relationship can provide you.
You Are Who You Date
Taylor, you seem to be frustrated with the fact that it’s difficult for you to completely trust women when already committed women willingly sleep with you and, “This along with my history of dating women who are cheating, needy w*****s has kind of ruined the idea of a relationship for me at this time.” Based on this sentence, I have a few comments: 1) sorry, but that’s your fault. No one is forcing you to sleep with committed women just like no one is forcing these committed women to sleep with you; 2) similar to the saying, “you are what you eat,” you are whom you date or whom you choose to date is a reflection of who you are or what you feel you deserve; and 3) admittedly, when you’re young you can blame the dating pool for providing you crappy options. Maybe it is the dating pool’s fault, but eventually, you grow older and you can’t take an “ignorance is bliss” or “I didn’t know any better” approach to life. Eventually, you have to own the consequences of your own decisions. Stated bluntly, if you continue to date <redacted>, then maybe you just like <redacted>, believe you can’t do better than <redacted>, or <redacted> are the only type of women you can be successful with due to their own personal shortcomings.
I don’t know you, but based on your comment, it seems like you purposefully target the smaller sub-section of committed women and [morally questionable women] to justify your own jaded views on women as a whole. Basically, the type of women you pursue creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, which allows you to feel fine about projecting your misguided views on all women. I’m by no means saying that all women are good, because they are not. Yet, I also cannot say all women are bad, because most women are not bad, and if you keep attracting or being attracted to bad women, eventually you need to take a look in the mirror and take a personal assessment of why that is.
If it’s difficult for you to figure how you should act in a given situation, I have a little rule of thumb. I ask myself, “How would I want my son or daughter to handle this situation?” Taylor, would your future son be proud of the 21-year old man you are today? Would you be proud if your future 21-year old daughter brought home a man like you? If you can’t proudly answer those questions in the affirmative, then it might indicate that you need to change into the type of man you want your son to grow up to be and you would want your daughter to date. Although you might not care, the women you’re dating right now are someone’s daughter, sister, niece, and eventually they might be someone’s mother or wife. Towards the end of your comment, you say you’d like to get married and have kids some day, but I would seriously advise you to aspire for more in a woman and from life than to find a “regular sex buddy.”
Check here for page 2 and the final tips for Taylor and other young men.
1Honesty is the Best (And Easiest) Policy
I’m sure a number of women (and some male) readers are waiting for me to tell Taylor to change. To “shape up” and stop taking “advantage” of women, and that the path he’s on has no future. Sorry, I don’t have such a message to deliver.
In my opinion, it’s not Taylor’s job to change who he is to protect women from men like him before he’s ready to change on his own. Women should be able to recognize what type of man Taylor is and if he is not the type of man they want, they should leave him alone. If I have a daughter, I hope I am able to educate her enough, provide her with the necessary life-tools, and give her the self-esteem needed to avoid men like Taylor. However, man to man, I would ask Taylor and men like him one simple favor, don’t lie to women.
I’m not asking young men not to lie, because it’s the right thing to do. I’m telling you not to lie, because you don’t have to and women have the right to know what type of men they’re dealing with upfront. If your game, looks, charm or other is as appealing as many of you seem to believe, then you should never have to lie to a woman to get her to sleep with you, be with your, or entertain your company, ever. After finding out all there is to know about you, it’s up to the woman to decide how they want to proceed or if they want to proceed at all (and for the record if they’re smart, they will not). In his comment, Taylor was honest about his intentions, goals, and plans. I hope he affords the women he’s dealing with the same courtesy.
I think women would be surprised to know how many young men think and act like Taylor. I decided to share this comment so women could see the unfiltered thinking from a man with this type of mindset. Perhaps what’s most troubling about Taylor’s comment is the fact that Taylor and men like him don’t have to change. No one wants to admit it, but that’s the truth of the matter. Taylor, you don’t have to change anything you’re doing, but you should want to change because changing how you act towards and perceive women will make you a better man. You may be born a male, but you aren’t born a man. Men are made over time.
The number of women you randomly hook up with won’t net you any awards. You won’t be able to list it on your resume and it’ll never, outside of [adult films], help you get a job or job promotion. Sleeping with women with low self-esteem and questionable taste in men doesn’t make you a better man or a God among mortals. It honestly just makes you a womanizing @sshole, and I would hope you would want to be more than a womanizing @sshole. By the way, I say that with all due respect, as some men’s entire life revolves around being successful, womanizing @ssholes. Taylor, I’m asking that you aspire for more than that for yourself and from life.
The more difficult and therefore less traveled path is to respect all women, and faithfully honor one woman. On some level – reading between the lines of your comment – you seem to know this is true. Ironically, it’s far easier to bed multiple women and involve yourself in relationships in which you don’t have any real physical, mental, or emotional interest vested in the final outcome than it is to put in the work necessary to make a real relationship with one woman work. Honestly, relationships are difficult. That’s why I can understand why you, and men like you, would prefer to take the easier route while you focus on other goals with more clear-cut plans and objectives. However, in continuing on the path that you’re on now you will hurt a number of women. Even if you don’t mean to; it’s inevitable. In your wake, there will be a path of emotionally and physically wrecked women. As a man, you need to own that responsibility. You need to have the personal accountability to recognize how your actions will hurt these women while you, selfishly and knowingly, figure out what you want from life and which particular woman you want it from.
I know the idea that being a man entails taking ownership, leadership, and responsibility for people outside of yourself sucks. It might even be unfair. But guess what? It is what it is.
Taylor, you might not be old enough to recognize this reality. You might not even be old enough to accept this reality, but I assure you it does not make this fact of life any less of a reality. As a man, one day you will have to accept the responsibility of how your actions impact not only yourself but those around you, especially women. There are many men, young and old, who will fall short of embracing what it really means to be a man. Taylor, you seem to have the ability, if you choose, to step up and be a better man tomorrow than you were today. One day, I hope you – and men like you – make the choice to be the men you need to be over the men you want to be. I won’t lie to you. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. If you ever want to be the type of man I spoke of earlier – the type your son should aspire to be and your daughter should aspire to date – you’ll have to become a better man sooner rather than later. Like all things, the choice is yours.
Good luck on your journey, Taylor.
Ladies, have you ever dated a “Taylor”? If yes, what did you learn from the experience? If no, how did you avoid the Taylors of the world?
Gentlemen, where you ever a “Taylor” in your 20s? If still in your 20s, can you relate to Taylor’s plight? What has/will inspire you to make a change?
Ladies and gentlemen, what additional advice, suggestions, or warnings would you offer “Taylor” or the Taylor-like men of the world? What would you tell young women about the Taylors of the world?