Home Featured I’m A Black Woman — Unmarried Without Kids

I’m A Black Woman — Unmarried Without Kids



I am 30 years old, and I’m not married, nor do I have any offspring of my own. I know this can be shocking to you, but it’s really okay. I am not unstable, or emotionally challenged.  As far as I know, my eggs are in order, and when I am ready to procreate with the right person, I will be able to do so.  I bring this up to make a point. It is really rude and equally annoying to get caught up in conversations with third party individuals and other randoms who feel the need to question my tax filing status and potential dependents.

The other night I ran into an old classmate from high school. As we were chatting it up, I asked her what she had been up to, and her response was that she is married now and has two kids. She returned the question, and I responded very candidly that I am not married, and I do not have any kids, but I have been working on my career, writing and traveling. Then it happened. She asked me what I was waiting for. Pardon?

I didn’t realize that I was waiting for anything. In my mind, I just figured that when a man and babies was supposed to happen for me, it would. I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe I’m behind the curve and didn’t know. What’s really funny, but not, is that I get asked this question all. the. time. Nobody is really asking me if I got promoted, or if I’ve contributed to mankind. I have goals. I have dreams. Ask me about those things. I, instead, get asked why I’m not married with kids. It’s irritating. Since when did being married with kids define if I was successful or not? To be honest, I think people ask the question to be nosey. Do you really want an explanation? I could come up with one if I needed to. Let’s say I was crazy. Would you really want me to go into details about just how crazy I can be? Probably not.

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At one point when I was younger, I thought that by the time I reached 25, I would be married with kids (which I am going to shorten to MWK). Knowing what I know now, I couldn’t imagine being MWK at such a young age. There are times when I get asked the MWK question often enough that I start to ask myself what’s wrong with me? Then I take a look at where I am in my life and where I want to be and I am reminded that it’s just not my time yet.

I should come up with a list of clever responses for all the nosey people who keep asking me what’s my deal. Here are a few that I’ve come up with so far:

Hey Keita, why aren’t you married yet?

  1. I was married and divorced at 21, and I’d rather be more selective next time.
  2. After doing the math, I am aware that there are an odd number of men to women, and I’m the one that lucked out.
  3. I have a husband and kids. I just haven’t met them yet.
  4. I’m saving my eggs for KimYe.
  5. I was using you as a role model, and I’ll pass.


Even though I am 30, I don’t ever want to find myself in a “might as well” situation just so I can be MWK. A “might as well” situation is when you’ve been with someone for so many years, and you two have been through so much together, that you “might as well” just get married. Sure, I have my moments when I want the Cosby life, but I also want to be MWK under the best circumstances possible.  Before I take any steps toward marriage, I want to be sure it’s right.  Marriage is supposed to be exciting. I wouldn’t want to get married as a last result. I have met enough “might as well” couples that are only married because someone was ride or die and stuck it out through all the BS, but they don’t truly seem happy.

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I might as well take being asked why I’m not MWK with a grain of salt and not let it bother me. With so much media influence, and these newfound relationship experts, I am not surprised people are so concerned with everyone else’s status. Even if you have that itch and want to get married as soon as possible, never make light of your other attributes. It may not be your time for marriage or kids, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your time to shine somewhere else.

Keita Wheats

Keita Wheats is a St. Louis native and an alumna of Saint Louis University. She has been writing for leisure since college, but has only stepped into the blogosphere in the last couple of years. She can be described asadventurous with a dash of sass, and her sharp tongue keeps readers intrigued. She has recently been published on Ebony Magazine Online, and continues to write for other blog sites as well as her own. 

Twitter: @keitathejedi | Website: www.keitawheats.com


  1. She asked you what you waiting for because time's a wastin'. You don't have forever if you want to do the family thing. The window for that is closing. But that's ok if you don't do the family thing and focus your energy on career. I wouldn't take offense to the question being asked if I was you, but that's just me.
    My recent post NEW SLAVES

    1. You act as if shes on her death bed lol… Families start later in 2013. Its on her to decide when shes ready, not society!

      Even biologically, we're far from the times where having a baby at 19 was considered ancient. cmon now

      1. At 30 years old, the window is beginning to close from a biological AND social level. If there is no current prospect for marriage or pro-creation … you have to factor in the time it will take to find one. Then the time it takes to date, marry, have a baby. So you looking at 32, 33 at the earliest? Then what about career? If a young lady is heavily involved with a career, will she even want kids? That may disrupt her whole flow. The guy she with may already have teenage kids and he may want them to be out the house rather than trying to bring in new life. It's up to her to decide when she's ready but humanity will make that decision for her if she takes too long.
        My recent post NEW SLAVES

        1. FYI – ABL women have kids at 40……many may not realize halle Berry was 40 when she had her first and is having another one. I think Angelina was over 30 as well. And even people who are not able quickly and easily reproduce can get medical assistance, (granted extremely costly medical assistance) but they can get it and have as many bundles of joy as they want and can afford. "Little people" have had babies…watch some TLC sometimes. A woman who was a paraplegic had a baby, a woman with no legs had a baby, a woman with breast cancer had a baby after having a double masectomy. ABL if God means for a woman to reproduce under any circumstances, she will. Oh and lets not forget the biblical Sarah, Abrahams wife who had their first child in her 90s. I know I know its "the bible" but still, ijs.

        2. @Bree

          You went deep in the woods to get that one. Too much magic in one comment

          Fam. You are playing with fire reproducing after 35+. Putting your kids at risk too.

        3. lol….Adonis how old was your mother when she had you?
          You don't know any women who have had a baby in their 30's????
          Even if you don't you seriously need to get ya sex ed game up! Forreal. (u just might learn something). *smile*

    2. So is there some formula that she should use to find a mate and get married before her eggs expire? Okay the window is closing, so she just randomly pick someone to marry or just have a baby? I really don't understand these comments. You have to meet and really connect with someone to consider marriage and children…yall act like people are not finding mates on purpose.

      My recent post Daddy Issues or Just…Issues?

      1. Harsh reality may be tough to digest but it is what it is. Everybody won't do the family thing and that's ok. There is a time limit. Once a woman gets into her late 30's and early 40's … you have physical changes to the body that will prevent successful pregnancies from happening. That's just science.
        My recent post NEW SLAVES

        1. I'm not debating any of that. But you said "it's up to her to decide when she's ready" – that's not really true. You can be as ready as you like but the actual meeting of a compatible partner (who has to want the same thing w/in the same time frame) is not something that she can control. So that's why comments like "what are you waiting for?" really sound stupid to me.

          It's just sad that when people try to be happy regardless of if it happens or not, other people, without fail, will always try to make them feel less-than. Half of these married people are miserable anyway.
          My recent post Daddy Issues or Just…Issues?

        2. ABL u need to watch more discovery channel and TLC and do more medical research.
          A woman can have a baby as long as she is having a period. And even if she isn't having a period she can have a baby. Womens body's and reproductive systems are extremely complex things. I personally know women who have gotten pregnant over 40. I know a woman whose tubes were tied and she still got pregnant because they were burnt and clipped. My cousin got pregnant while on birth control pills. Reality Everyone men & women need to be aware of is if your having "chex" you can possibly procreate. There really is no rhyme and/or reason to it.
          Everyday women get pregnant and have several children after being told by dr.'s they will never be able to procreate.

        3. Granted it does tend to be more difficult for a woman to get pregnant as she gets older, especially over 35. The pregnancy may also be more "high risk" the older a woman is.
          The womans overall health determines how well her pregnancy goes. A woman 40 and in good health is more likely to have a great no or low risk pregnancy than a woman in her early 20's who smokes and drinks and isn't the picture of health due to lifestyle.
          My former cowrker married at 40 and got pregnant with twins at 41. She was in great health and got pregnant fairly quickly and easily. Her pregnancy was great. No problems whatsoever. She worked clean up until she went into labor. Had a good natural childbirth delivery and her twins were both in great health.

        4. Let us also factor in that older male fathers may be contributing to a lot of genetic disorders in children these days. For decades we thought older mothers were the root of most of these issues, but now we're seeing that old sperm can cause issues as well.

          Just a side note.

    3. Time isn’t waisting if you do things in God’s time. I’m busy getting my life together, I feel no pressure from “the experts.”
      (@BrwnsugaT – twitter and IG)

        1. I also still have time. I also don’t want to spend forever mad I made a baby with the wrong person.

    4. "In short, the “baby panic”—which has by no means abated since it hit me personally—is based largely on questionable data. We’ve rearranged our lives, worried endlessly, and forgone countless career opportunities based on a few statistics about women who resided in thatched-roof huts and never saw a lightbulb. In Dunson’s study of modern women, the difference in pregnancy rates at age 28 versus 37 is only about 4 percentage points. Fertility does decrease with age, but the decline is not steep enough to keep the vast majority of women in their late 30s from having a child. And that, after all, is the whole point."

      My recent post Why Is It So Hard to Negotiate With the Taliban?

  2. Theres nothing wrong with being 30+ with no kids if that's where YOU want to be in life, but to Anthony's point science/biology/time isn't on your side as far as waiting goes. Everyone should do things in their own time. Single people are whats in nowadays, that's why there are so many entities in society that market to the demographic. I just hate when women get more mature (i dare not say older) and blame their status on us not having our ish together, not being trustworthy, etc. It sends my BP through the roof when I see ladies in their upper 30's, 40's. and 50's trying to be FINE like they're still hunting for a man, yet at the same time exclaim that they don't need us for anything because…sheesh!

    1. lang not all women blame men for being single and childless in their 30's. I never have. I made a personal decision to Not be married with kids in my early 20's because I didn't want it for myself.
      Many people don't want to admit it but some people who are married with kids "settled", moved to fast, married and had kids for the wrong reasons, and later end up regretting it.

      1. It's funny that the very people who question and criticize single people (men and women) complain about their own married life and don't share pleasant or happy married life stories. In fact they complain so much they make u Never want to get married. Then if you do get engaged and tell them your getting married whats the first thing out folks mouths…"Don't Do It." smdh….folks can be so azz backwards in thinking.

    2. I do not understand the term "waiting". Waiting is when a woman has her loving man, who is capable, willing and able to build a family with her, and she wants to… WAIT. Waiting isn't not finding anyone, waiting isn't being single & not ready for kids. Waiting is waiting. Everyone needs to stop acting like childfree single ladies over 25 (because that's when the worries start) are fighting off good men they are in love with. It ain't that kind of picknick!

  3. @KeitaWheats

    Part of being a responsible human being is living your life unapologetically. If this is your life. It is your life. Criticisms mean nothing if you feel like what you are doing is working for you.

    But since you have to respond to the criticisms & lie to us & say you are okay with being old, unmarried & childless say a lot.


    Nobody is really asking me if I got promoted, or if I’ve contributed to mankind. I have goals. I have dreams. Ask me about those things.

    Nobody cares about your contributions to society. Show me your t*ts. Drop down & get your eagle on.

    Women who read this site remember this:

    Women are your Floor, Men are your Ceiling

    Women your main value in life is reproduction. Life facilitators. Everything else is secondary.

    So, if you ain’t making babies (of course you want to choose the right man and have the resources), you are failing at life.

    But the worst part is, that since you are in direct rebellion against nature, you want people to be silent about it, when they are doing you a favor trying to get you on the right track.

    But please don’t be one of these bitter black women we see on ClutchMag , MadamNoire, LipstickAlley mad at the world (& black men bashing) because of your poor choices.

    You had a chance to be great in life & you blew it. Move on!

    Good day.

    1. Blew what?

      My understanding of getting married and having kids business is that you have to find someone and then they have to kind of.. ya know… ask you or begin to work on those things with you.

      If you don't meet anyone or you don't get asked.. What should you do? Lay down and die?

      1. You just spewed out so much garbage, your mouth should be a dumpster. Women have other purposes in life other than reproduction, sex or marriage. I also don’t want any children and I’m happy with those values. It’s dumbasses such as yourself that disgrace humanity with this anti-woman nonsense coming out of your mouth.

    2. I have to agree with you here. This is not a complicated issue and you have spoken very eloquently. I have nothing more to add.

  4. Keeping it 100, sistas be the ones applying pressure amongst yallselves. Yall will shade and shame eachother until you’re all married to a man making 6 figues, with kids, and have Tracee Ellis Ross curls sprouting from your scalp.

    1. Lmao …. women put so much pressure on each other for no reason. I’m 22 , after looking at a lot of the people I graduated high school with having babies I am more than happy to say I am childless.

      As southern girl said below , we have to understand that life is more than marriage and children, and that life might not be meant for you .

      I think what a lot of these relationship expert forget to mentioned is that every man and women want be married or have children, even if thats what their aiming for. People adopt, or become mentors , people date or get married later in life. Everybody love story won’t be the same.

    2. Agree completely!! No one else says anything except friends and family and our own psyche…so very true

  5. I honestly think the question will lose its sting once women get to a point where they realize….it may never happen. Yep, that is really harsh, but it is true. Not everyone is supposed to get married and have kids. I think most know my view on the Bible, so I won't hash it out here, but for those who follow the teachings to the letter, it pretty much says that as well. Some are meant for marriage. Some are meant to be single. This dream/fantasy that people (notice I didn't just say women) have about getting married with kids may never happen. I think most men want to be MWK in the future, but they too have their own set of dream/fantasy thinking when it comes to their thoughts on being MWK.

    I would love to be MWK, but I also have to live my life for me. I am not saying that everyone should give up, but just be realistic as well. Are you still going to be 50 years old holding on to the dream?

  6. At times we can get so bogged down with the timing and biological clocks, we forget the possibilities. You can get married at ANY age…..25, 35, 45 or 65!!! And as for children, what about adoption? Foster care? There is more than ONE way to be a parent. Those children are just as valuable and loveable as ones you have biologically. Life is full of possibilities and don't forget that.

    And you can remain single and childless and still have a fulfilling life. Everything isn't for everybody and that is okay. Sometimes, people see you happy, doing your thing without all the "trappings of success" that are making them miserable and they try to infect you with their insecurity and envy. Don't let em' do it! Because if their life is so full and great, why are they worried about yours?

  7. People are essentially the same all over the world. I am 30+ , unmarried and no children. I get the same looks and questions like am missing something. While marriage and family is a great thing it is different for everyone. As they say in Kikuyu "ngahika ndenda" which loosely translates it will happen when it happens or will get married when i want.

  8. Keeping it real and right – 30 is the cut off age, its the panic age for most women so you kinda shouldn't reeeeally be surprised when folks present the MWK questions. Us guys get bombarded as well but I expect it and never let it bother me. I guess for women getting married and giving birth is what yall were put on earth to do right?? Yall have all the necessary plumbing right??!. .Don't get me wrong success is great but as a single dad I must say having a child comes close to nothing I've ever accomplished in the boardroom. Its a different level of success. A greater level!

    1. Cut off age? How about sometimes 30 is when you’re stable enough to have kids? I don’t want to be a single parent, many are and that’s cool with most black people, but someone who waits is crazy? I’ll be crazy then, children will come, if they need to. Some people need to stop having them, since we’re talking about needs.

    2. Mr. SD I'm assuming u are a great devoted dad. Just cause most all of us can make and have babies doesn't mean we shouldn't.
      I tell folks all the time as I was told by the long time married elders in my fam….marriage and children take a hell of a lot of patience and unselfishness. If you do not possess those qualities then you will not be a good or happy spouse or parent. I know people who have kids and wish they never did and regret it. Just like I know people who are married and regret that. So the pressure is foolish and unwarranted because basically its telling people that they should rush to marry and have kids by a certain age because its the societal right thing to do and everybody does it. Like my mama used to tell me – "If everybody goes jumping off of a bridge into a river and u can't swim are you gonna jump to just because everybody is doing it."
      We gotta learn to use our own minds and not always be followers of the status quo.

  9. I think “30” is the defining age for a lot of people, men and women. By 30 people expect you to know where you’re going or what you’re doing to get there. 30 is not the new 20 and it never will be. Here’s another thing about single, childless, age 30 people – if you’re not on the road to getting married (if that is a goal, and I’m not sayin it is), then it does start to look/feel strange. Here’s why: the average relationship last 1 year at best and 2 – 3 years at average. So, if you plan to have a child within the confines of marriage versus when you’re single or dating, you can’t instantaneously expect to be married. Whatever age you are, you have to add 1 year (for the relationship, at minimum) and 9 months for the baby. At best, if you met your dream woman/man today at age 30, you couldn’t reasonably expect to be MWK until age 32 or later. I think that’s what people overlook and that’s why people on the outside looking in are like “WTF?” If you wanted to be married BY 30, you would have really have had to meet your husband/wife by age 27/28.

    On the bright side, if marriage and/or kids, is not a top priority or even a goal of yours, who gives a shit what other people think? People be thinking. Misery loves company. People identify with what they know; and question what they don’t understand if it goes against their status quo. This is a nice way of saying people are idiots; and idiots should never shape or influence your own life decisions when it’s not their life to live.

    1. Is there some formula out there that ensures that you will meet a partner by a certain age and then be married by a certain age? How does one make it a "top priority?" I've been wanting a relationship that leads to marriage for as long as I remember, yet here I am, 31 and still single. Please share that formula so that I can use it to make sure that I have a kid before my eggs expire. I'm serious.
      My recent post Daddy Issues or Just…Issues?

      1. No, there is no formula. Life happens.

        Now, I can't speak for you, but I can venture to say that most people have an OPPORTUNITY – usually more than one in fact – to get married in their lifetime. But, for whatever reason (and it might very well be a legit reason) – timing, youth, "I gotta do me," "I can find love again," work, life, etc etc they don't get married. Just because you're ready to get married doesn't mean life is going to suddenly present you with a wife/husband. Maybe life is like, "well when I presented you with a perfectly good mate you gave me the cold shoulder." Sucks, but it is what it is.

        For whatever reason, everyone is overlooking the other options to having children regardless of age or medical complications, such as surrogacy, adoption, and foster care.

        1. I'm not debating any of that. But you said "it's up to her to decide when she's ready" – that's not really true. You can be as ready as you like but the actual meeting of a compatible partner (who has to want the same thing w/in the same time frame) is not something that she can control. So that's why comments like "what are you waiting for?" really sound stupid to me.
          My recent post Daddy Issues or Just…Issues?

        2. You're right. Women can't make a man commit to them. They can, however, date men that are looking for commitment, and pass up men that aren't looking for commitment. That is well within your control. What women can't control is men (nor can men control women). You can control who you do or don't date.

          To what I think is your other point, if you've gone 30+ years and NEVER found a man worthy of commitment, I would revisit why your requirements are so stringent that no man in 30+ years has ever been able to meet them or what you are doing (or not doing) to not allow yourself the opportunity for such a man to meet you.

        3. Great points WIM. There are usually very specific reasons why people are not married with kids.

        4. I'm assuming that you married young, then?

          Women can date men who are looking for commitment…but that doesn't mean you will be compatible or have shared values. I don't think it's odd that I haven't found someone in 31 years to commit for life. I know far too many (men and women) who are unhappily married or divorced because their requirements weren't stringent enough. They marry someone and spend the entire relationship hoping and wishing for them to change and being miserable. I don't want to be married bad enough to deal with all that.

        5. No Kiesh not married but on my way…*smile*_Was proposed to when I was in my early 20's (before 25) and I didn't want to be married or have kids at a young age._One other point, even when you date "like-minded" people they have to want commitment with You. If not it's a wrap. You may not realize it yet Kiesh but there may be a reason/s why your not married. It may not be meant for you to be married until later on in life. Some people do get married, but at 40 something.

        6. There was a news article months ago about a woman who met her husband in the nursing home. Prior to marrying at almost 90 yrs old I don't think either one of them had ever been married before and did not have any kids._I've also realized by studying folks in relationships and who are married it takes a certain type of person (man and woman) to be in a long-term several year relationship and to be married. I also came to the conclusion in my 30's that even though by that time I wanted to be married with children, I was not willing to put up with half the bullsh** that I saw other women put up with just to have a husband. Hence why I was still single._I am not saying the reasons for people being single are bad ones at all, I am saying there are usually specific reasons. Just like people have reasons for marrying at the age and time frame that they do. Some people get married and have kids before they are 24 yrs old. There is a reason for that.

        7. Well, if the goal is just to get married by a certain age and have kids vs. longevity, then you're right, most people have the opportunity. You can always find someone good on paper and make it do what it do, have your baby, then get divorced (or stay miserable), which seems to be a popular path. I'd like to actually stay married if I'm gonna do it though. And finding THAT isn't as simple as waking up an deciding you're ready, because you're 28 or whatever.

          As for the biology of having children after certain ages, I know that after a certain point it's not ideal and may not even happen – so no argument from me on that point.

    2. A timetable? Really? I want to be married at the age of: when it’s right. Things happen at different times for different people, and for good reason.

      1. A timetable? Really? I want to be married at the age of: when it's right.

        I gotta be honest… I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. I didn't say you had to get married at a certain age or on a timetable. I simply laid out the facts. You can get married or not married, but that doesn't change the fact that a baby takes 9-months to make and IF you want to have that baby within a relationship, a relationship will take time itself to develop, unless you know a Disney spell that will allow you to both meet a husband and have a child in the same week.

        1. You gave a while break down of by this age and that age, that’s what I’m talking about. Ummm yeah I know how long it takes for a baby to develop, thanks for the reminder. What’s more important to me is developing a healthy marriage. I know people who have babies at all ages, not just the old age of 30, some at 36 and on. Shocking right?! Most people grew up in single parent homes so that’s the norm to them, not me. I was raised to wait to start a family. My brothers both waited, and yea they’re married now We don’t do baby daddies and mamas. So the only time I’m worried about is the time I need to be taking to build myself up as a woman before a husband and kids. A lot of people with kids weren’t ready, they didn’t find themselves. I refuse to be like that, or to be calculating my age for when things will happen.


        2. This is comically dense but let me clarify. I'm responding to the post. You're responding to your own personal circumstances, preferences, and beliefs, which you are free to do, even if it doens't make a lot of sense within this particular thread. I chose 30, because that is the age described in the post. I didn't snatch it out of a random string of numbers.

        3. It makes no sense for me to state why at 30 I’m not watching a clock? Well no need to explain anything further to me then, since its providing you comic relief. Good day sir.

    3. AMEN & Hallelujah Wis. I am sooooooooo glad somebody did the math.
      The reality is as a woman no matter how good you look or how perfect you are you may not get proposed to. You could meet a man in college and he want to date you for a year and be girlfriend and boyfriend for 5 yrs. He may want u to wait til his career is established and you get a house before marrying and having kids. Cause the reality is men tend to be the ones to want to push back marriage.
      And of course most of your fam and friends and society will say stay with him and hang in there wtih him. So u will be over 30 by the time ur married and have kids. Not only that even if u do get married by 30 your partner may want to wait several years before having a child..then what?
      And even if u do leave a man after 3 or 4 years well 3 or 4 years of your life is gone, and not coming back, so your starting over for another possible 3 to 4 years.
      Wis I can't thank you enough for putting that math out there. Cause people forget when you have relationships that last for several years but they don't end in marriage or children that is adding time.
      But thats not something u can really control.

      1. Thats the thing that blows me….unless you were highschool or college sweethearts and both agree to marry straight out of highschool and college or unless ur in a country where ur marriage is arranged there is NO guarantee u will be married with kids at any set age.
        Obviously we don't just choose marriage partners like we pick out a car, shoes, and clothes.
        And we may choose a partner who doesn't want the same things we want or doesn't want them at the exact same time we want them. Its Life. It happens.
        The other ironic thing is that many Americans shun arranged marriage. All the married with kids young people from other countries laugh at us and say "foolish americans think they are so much more intelligent and are clueless." And in some ways we are. Arranged marriages work bottom line.
        Rarely do they end in divorce. And the people in them are not as unhappy and miserable as we tend to think. But even many Americans that have been married are now single because they are Divorced, and in on big hurry to remarry. There is a lot we aren't mindful of with regards to marriage, children and relationships.

    4. "So, if you plan to have a child within the confines of marriage versus when you're single or dating, you can't instantaneously expect to be married."

      Maybe not for women, but I think you definitely can if you're a guy. I'm 90% confident that I could go out there and find a wife in 3 months or less. In some places chicks are lined up looking for a husband. How would I do it? I'm glad you asked:

      I could drop my standards and find some average / below-average looking chick nearing the 30 year age marker and just be "kind" to her, give her some solid peen, eat the box, tell her I'm ready to start a family, convince her she's the one with a few romantic gestures, and pop the question. Game set match.

      I kinda feel bad for women tho since they 1) hate the thought of settling and 2) have to get one of the handful of guys who meet their standards to commit, and thats if he's even the type to commit in the first place.

      But on the other hand, I dont feel bad for them. There's nothing stopping women from aggressively finding a husband. Ladies, if you want to get married that bad, go do all the things a guy would do: loooower your standards, approach and pursue a guy way below your level, secks him up real good, give him stuff, cook, clean, suck the skin off the peen (not for real tho), tell him you're ready to start a family, and pop the question.

      I don't know if it'd work, but I bet it'd work better than waiting for a miracle.

    5. I get the calculations. But the people on the outside seem to think it's YOU who is running away from good possible mates. It. Is. Not. That. Simple. I, for instance, work and live in a city where swirling (or going for biracial people) is what most college educated black people do. It has always been that way, I just never realized it because I was dating (and at a certain point engaged to)BM. Now, I am forced to give WM a chance because otherwise I am dealing with a high percentage of baby daddies (I am 27). It takes getting used to but I don't have troubles being asked out. I just don't seem to fall in love with anyone. I simply like a guy but no sparks… Last time I had sparks was last year, with a guy who has only been in a relationship with Asian/white/biracial-looking ladies and is dating one right now. These are situations that happen and there is not much you can do to change it but being a good person. There are a lot of ladies like me who decide to settle for the guy they never feel sparks with, never really admire, never want their son to be like… basically a man they never fall in love h, just so they can "at least" be MWK. The ones I meet or know are full of resentment towards a man they never wanted in the first place. I would like to love my future husband and father of my future kids, in a way that I would like my kids to find love as well. The other isht sounds and looks like arranged marriage to me.

  10. I'm confused as to why some men keep saying "reproducing is what we were put on Earth for." Do yall really feel like this is the only purpose women provide? Very interesting. I was almost sure men found value in women outside of creating babies hence the attempts to not get a girl pregnant. I think men get the same pressure to wife up someone and start a family. Maybe in different ways? I think it also is a cultural difference. I think we are taught to build our career and establish ourselves professionally before worrying about marriage. That has an impact too. The struggle is real out here.

      1. Wow… I mean I think I get what you mean in the biblical sense.. but jeez.. I think they have many more important purposes than procreation…

        1. And I'm not even getting biblical but its just the truth. We can get a gajillion degrees and leave a legacy of cash in the bank but family is first in my eyes..At the end of the day we are all here to procreate. I'm not hating on women, i love'em! But dammit they were built to make them babies! That's not my fault…

        2. Mr. SD there are exceptions. Some women no matter how hard they try and who they try with Never Ever get pregnant. There is some medical issue that prevents it.
          Some women have to have a hysterectomy to save their lives. They will Never get pregnant after having a hysterectomy. If your not sure about what that is google it or look it up on WebMD. Women do get overarian and cervical cancer in their 20's and 30's.
          Mr. SD please chill with generalizing men and women and putting everyone in one big category of who is supposed to do what. Yes biblically speaking we do have Creation Roles as men and women.

        3. More than being Mothers women were created to be nurturers, care-takers and keepers of the home. Men were created to be Protectors & Providers. God and nobody else specifies of what. You could be meant to protect your country and provide for the less fortunate or your family as far as siblings, parents, neices and nephews. Bernie Mac for ex. The kids he raised and talked about in his jokes were his sisters children, Not his. His sister was a crackhead and the father was absent or whatever. So he took them in. Maybe a woman is meant to be a caretaker for someone else's children who abandons them and/or can't take care of them.
          In the animal kingdom I've seen stories where a female dog adopts and cares for kittens who were abandoned by their mother or the mother was killed. Maybe some people are meant to adopt or care for the children of family members or friends. The Creation Roles can still be fulfilled, just not in the traditional way we think.
          What we think we should be doing in our Creation Roles isn't always as black and white as we think.

        4. Ok I get it a lil better now… the way you said it made you seem like a caveman bruh lmao

      2. Everyone doesn’t need to have children. Everyone isn’t equipped to be a good parent, having the child is the easy part. Some children don’t even live with their parents. I’m going to speak to teens in group homes tomorrow, they were created, then forgotten. You also have people having babies by 3, 4, and 5 different people. That’s how it’s suppose to be? No.I think it varies by person, and people need to make the best decision for them. Some need to make better ones.

    1. The struggle is real everywhere for a non-white lady over 25 that is unmarried and childfree. These patriarchal ideas of feminine fertility are preached and announce all over the world. It is women of colour who get the most criticism because our value is often still measured by our offspring instead of our accomplishments. It stems from the time where there were no retirement plans and children where the livelihood of ones future. Men have always been able to get away with fathering children at older ages. Women were and still to a certain extent cannot. We all raise these boys to be men who think this way so I blame the previous generation for that. I think we (ladies over 25 that are childfree and unmarried) should accept that even though your current situation might not be voluntary…. you MUST develop a thick skin (fast) and not let the MWK-questions bring you down or even annoy you. They are part of being what you are right now. Life is not fair.

  11. People will never be happy with your situation.

    If your dating – “When you going to get a man?”

    In a relationship- “When you going to get married?”

    Married – “When are you going to have kids?”

    Have a kid – “When are you going to give that child a baby brother or sister?”

    Have the second kid – “Girl you look tired, when you will get some rest? -__-?

    Now realistically if MWK is something you want, like WIM said by 27/28 you should have met you potential significant other. But if by chance you haven’t … SO what. Life isn’t perfect; sometimes your gift doesn’t come in the box you expect. You might not get married until 35 and end up with a blended family, you could end up married at 22, have a kid and your husband dies. You could have a kid, break up with your child’s father and become a lesbian. Anyway MWK doesn’t always come in this picture perfect way. So don’t let ppl’s opinion’s discourage you. It’s hard but sometimes a cold shoulder or simply ignoring the question will give ppl the hint.

  12. I am 28, unmarried, no kids. I'm not going to lie because sometimes I do feel like why haven't I met someone I can connect with in that way to get married? However, when I look around and see people who are with someone just to be with someone and they are not happy, I remember why I am single because I want to make sure it is right. I get it that my clock is ticking and it may not happen for me by 30, but I just do not have a lot of lives to live, in order for me not to be happy in this one. I am not going to apply any pressure, and worse come to worse, I'll have a baby by myself and make sure I have a strong male role model in my life. But I want to be good and ready, and finish running the streets before I decided to make a family because I want them to have my all. Have you met some people who had families earlier and they didn't get to live the single life first? Tons of remorse, regret, and bitterness. So do you, and when you are ready settle down with someone, but do not settle with just anyone.
    My recent post Practice what you preach!

    1. 100% agree. People have children after 30 yes for some it's very hard for others, lets just say more and more people between the ages of 15-20 are being surprised with a little baby brothers and sisters. Also people with 3 and 4 siblings, most likely their mother was over 30 when she had the last one or two.Plus adoption is always an option. There are a good amount of people who get married before 30 and stay together but how many newly divorce people are back on the market, now with new knowledge and experience looking for a life time partner. Life is funny and crazy like that, all you can do is be happy and put of good energy.

  13. Love the post!!! i can relate to this! I am also a Single Black 24 years old soon to be 25 in less than a month Black Female. And i not married nor do i have any kids. I am working on master my career as well and working on Loving me. i feel as if sometimes i want to rush things but after looking at maurry and watching women around me struggle with their children and thier" Babyfathers" im glad im single with no kids. but i do feel alot of pressure lately because all of my classmates and Best friends are married and starting families and i stuck in 1st gear, it seems that way…….but alot of times But i have a question why do (Single Never been married women NEITHER birthed a child) gets labeled as we are Gay or sleeping around with somebody elses Husband or man? i mean i havent slept around with a married guy, Never have i been dating downlow with the brother that has a family or taken…….But great post…..because for a while i was starting to rush things, telling myself im drop a baby out of the womb at 30!

  14. We are so used to imposing our own personal choices and expectations on others that we go around making judgements on others lives based on how we perceive they should be living them. Women's main purpose is NOT to give birth, that is up to the woman to decide. After all, not all women can reproduce.

    By asking these kinds of questions, rooted in our own perceptions of where another person should be in life, we are trying to categorize them into societal definitions prior to actually knowing what kinds of choices they have made for their own lives. When a person is not yet MWK when we expect them to be, we get flustered and don't understand. Just because you settled it doesn't mean I will. In this day in age, you'll be getting divorced in 10 years and I could be getting married. And if you didn't "settle," you should have a better time understanding that the ultimate benefit of being in a successful marriage outweighs settling for something you didn't want in the first place.

    I'm starting to believe that marriage is about everything but love but that's another conversation.

  15. If you are "happy" with your current position in life, I don't think that question should annoy you per se. I get asked all the time too, and I'm a whopping 33! Also, I do want all those things, right NOW, but it doesn't make me sad that I don't have them yet. I just say I haven't met the right person and keep it pushin. It shouldn't be a cause for annoyance unless you feel some kind of way about your current position as well.
    My recent post I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.

  16. I wish I could meet a woman over 30 w/o kids. Seems every woman I meet has a pkg deal situation and im not interested in doing another man’s job. Seems that women are so thirsty for a family situation that many have kids by no good men and then want future potential mates to accept that. I even knew a woman w/ four kids and 3 baby daddies that tild me she was gonna be celibate until God gave her a husband. Wtf? Why would God do that to that man? Maybe its just me but I dont want my wife to be a baby mama. Sorry

    1. I don't think you are unique. I have friends who feel the exact same way about men with kids. I wouldn't even 30. I am in the South so I will go with 25/26. There are a LOT of men with kids out there.

    2. LOL. I know a few women who had kids despite not being in stable relationships b/c they felt like they were ready to become mothers (their words not mine). And even some of them turn up their nose at childless people.

  17. I am 35 & single with no babies. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't painful at times attending weddings and baby showers of friends who are younger than me, and having them say "you're next" or "so when are you gonna get married?" I've been hearing this since I was 20-something and at this point I can't help but wonder the same thing. What makes THEM ready? What's wrong with ME that I can't seem to have that too? Having a family is something I have yearned for for as long as I can remember, and it breaks my heart at the thought of it not happening- but I realize now that wanting it doesn't mean it's MEANT for me. I know too many single women in their 40's & 50's (most not by choice) to realize maybe there ISN'T someone for everyone- regardless of what the "experts" and E-Cards on Facebook say. I've dated off and on and had 2 serious, long term relationships- the last of which lasted 4 years and ended out of the blue with a text message. My life basically consisted of work and school for the last 2 years, so now that I have graduated, I see how empty my personal life has been. My spirit and heart are still broken after the last breakup, so I know I need to spend some time dealing with that and healing myself. If love finds me, great…if not, I will accept it and find something else to fill that gap with.

  18. Lawd… I too am 30, no ring or kiddos. I’m an awesome aunt and active in my community, so I help the children, if that matters. I have a career, and a company, but again, no babies. Actually men have always seemed to find that appealing. I have no desire to be a baby mama for the first time at this point. I want a family, I’m huge on family, but I’m not worrying about what anyone says, especially if they’re struggling to care for the kids they had with “good eggs.” Or single for that matter, and knocking anyone choosing to be married first.

  19. The scary thing is that most women werent groomed to be wives. So they dont know the first thing about being in a successful relationship. Furthermore, most men werent taught how to love a woman. We are doomed

  20. Some of these comments. People know so much but have children and still are single. Okay. Or figured out everyone’s like plan. Should we nickname you Jesus? I Lawd… I know women that married in their late 30’s with kids. Not all women want then. As for me I want then when I can give them what I had, mom and dad in the home, oh and stability. Until then I’ll keep a full plate of goals.


  21. Some of these comments. People know so much but have children and still are single. Okay. Or figured out everyone’s like plan. Should we nickname you Jesus? I know women that married in their late 30’s with kids. Not all women want them. As for me I want them when I can give them what I had, mom and dad in the home, oh and stability. Until then I’ll keep a full plate of goals.


  22. Did I miss something? If I were to take the post at face value, the author’s friend asked, “what had she been up to” (remember, she asked the same question as the author). Why did the author feel the need to [defensively] respond that she wasn’t married or kids? It’s my opinion the first part of the author’s response hinted at her insecurity and sense of failure of her present state. Because, if her not having children and not being married wasn’t such a big deal, her response would’ve been something to the tune of ‘OMG, I’m working at blah blah blah as blah blah and it’s totally amazing blah blah blah.’

    I’m tired of people who feel as if they’re being judged by others for not being married and not having kids. Guess, what, we (at least I- a member of the Mrs. club) don’t care! You’re not a failure, you’re not a part of an epidemic. There’s nothing wrong with you (at least that I know of). You’re just living your life and doing you, and you shouldn’t have to defend that! But if you do feel some kind of way about not being in the MWK kids club, go ahead and write a post about it. Meanwhile, continue living your life, loving your career and defining your success! Because the tables will turn and the game will change when the husband and kids come later.

    1. My response to my classmate wasn't to come across as defensive. I can see how it seems that way though. I'm definitely not insecure about being single or kid-less. It's partly my own choice. I could have settled for a few relationships and been married right out of college, but thankfully I had a different path ahead. As someone who can't relate to what I experience as far as not having kids, I don't see how you could understand where I'm coming from. Nobody is questioning you, right?

      As someone who isn't in the Mrs. Club, but belongs to some other cool clubs, I appreciate your comment. I know there is nothing wrong with being 30 or any age for that matter, and not having kids. Sometimes it just is what it is.

    2. MWomen are doing that now…I can name several. What other purpose do men have because this day in age that is no longer a selling point.

  23. I can’t speak for the author, but oftentimes those questions come often so it’s annoying. Yes usually it’s not from anyone that matters to you, but some people do get it from family members. I agree we all should live our live but the assumptions made because you weren’t in labor between 18-25 are ridiculous. So sometimes we say enough is enough.

  24. This conversation, which is a repeat of all conversations about relationships or some variation, is getting old but further proving that we as a society need a paradigm shift as far as marriage is concerned. Humanity is evolving as it always will. With that evolution some of our societal structures need to change: I think marriage is overdue for an overhaul. The definition of what constitutes a marriage is changing, as evidenced this week…we need to evolve and change this conversation that is constantly on rotation. Maybe dating as we've known it needs to evolve into something else. Maybe we need to consider different factors before getting married. Perhaps consider different types of marriages: arranged, open, polygamous, polyamorous, etc. What works for you? Right now we're all trying to fit into this one box and it works for about half of us (just judging by divorce rates) and the other half seem to be trying to fit into the box somehow even if it doesn't fit. It boils down to doing what makes you happy and making it happen. There is no formula, but change it to what you want. Don't worry about trying to fit in…it doesn't matter.

  25. Since people are making a bigger deal about having babies by 30 than even being married, how many of y’all grew up in a single parent home? I did not. So it s more important to me, and maybe you as well, that my child I may have someday, doesn’t. Plus I have friends who married in their mid to late twenties waiting awhile to have babies. We’re in such a rush, for what? We see the state of our children and communities. Maybe we should pump our breaks on having babies and make sure we’re prepared to raise them. Including knowing who we are having them with. Just take a look at all the baby mama/daddy drama.


  26. I also know a lot of men over 30 who refuse to just have a child now. Yes I know a woman has the “clock” to watch, but a lot of people want a family, not a situation. And a happy marriage before all of that.

  27. cool post.

    so long as you're happy on your path, do you. *shrug*

    if you want kids…well..you're smart. there's science. don't forget about adoption. while it gets tougher in later ages, its not impossible.

    but, whatever…we all deal with the ramifications of the paths we choose to walk, so i hope that your path is not too bumpy.

  28. Yeah actually 30 should not be panic mode to have kids. People in their early 20's are having issues having babies. I use to work in the infertility business and you would be surprise the various ages of people trying to have kids. With that said, I know people who have conceived as late as 45, so it's never too late. Personally, I am 33 and without a kid myself, but as my boy who has a babymother, "no kid should be raised without both his biologically parents". That babymomma and baby daddy stuff is for the birds. I still have not seen a situation where it works. So for me, I will actively seek out my wife and move forward from there. I question myself sometimes why i don't have any kids while alot of my friends have 1 or 2, but then i tell myself, well i do have good credit, a house, and advanced degrees which i placed more emphasis on in my mid 20s. Plus you can always freeze your eggs or push come to shove, using donor s****. Believe it or not, alot of women are having kids using these two methods for whatever reason….

  29. Back in the day people got married for all kinds of reasons. Money, protection, politics, continuing the family legacy, to raise kids. Love was rarely a factor.

    So why are so many women nowadays holding out for some mystical "compatibility" factor and wanting to fall in love? Arranged marriages got the job done, and the wife acclimated to her new position. And all was well.

    Honestly, I dont think I'd care if my future wife can't spell her own name. I'd really like to know what she can give me that I can't provide for myself other than birthing and raising kids.

    Is it her feminine insight? I dont listen to my own friends' opinions, so it's not like I'll need to hear hers. Do I need her earning potential? Not really, I think I'd rather sustain the family wealth myself. Maybe she cooks and cleans well. Ok, thats useful but I could hire a chef and a maid if need be. Sex? Mistress.

    No, I need my strapping young sons to suck the milk out her teets and, through her soft motherly nurturing presence, she can instill upon them the importance of feminine energy. Other than that… I'm drawing a blank.

    What I DONT need is a wife that spends 60 hours a week at the office and lets the maid or babysitter raise the kids. I would do it myself, but then my kids would turn out to be crazy rebel criminal womanizers. When it comes to raising healthy kids, I want that good masculine/feminine balance. And right now, too many chicks are trying to be masculine in the name of equality.

  30. Here's a problem for me….the guys advise that if you want MKW you should do it while you are young…..but all the men your age are waiting or just playing field. So while you're young (if you want that someday) its not an option so bide your time being a better you. Fast forward to 30 it's the same thing only guys want someone younger. Catch 22 can't lose to win, can't win to lose. Not everyone wants MWK if that's you cool.

  31. I didn't find it shocking at all that you're 30 unmarried with no kids. Most (black) people i know are in the same boat, and I think a lot of people are starting to get married later in age like early 30s, women included. I don't think 30 is the new 20, but I also don't think that you have to have all these things done by 30. you do need the groundwork/selfwork done though, IF that's what you want in life.

  32. In the dating game, there are people who are interested in you and people who are NOT interested in you. Every woman has a pool of options to choose from. It doesn't make sense to keep checking for the men who are not interested in you, but so many women do it anyway. Or they keep holding out for something better to come along, and before you know it they're in their 30s and still single. The same men who were in your pool before won't even be options anymore. The average woman has the best and most plentiful options available to her in her 20s. It doesn't make sense for a woman to prioritize a career/casual dating during this time if she wants to get married. It may not be "fair", but it's reality. The older you get, the tougher it gets to compete with younger women.

    Why is it so hard for some of us ladies to admit that maybe we desire having a loving mate more than a career? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable instead of putting on an independent woman facade?

    "Marriage is supposed to be exciting" <<<< This is feminist propaganda that has so many women filing for divorce right now.

    1. You make very valid points, but unfortunately, modern women aren't going to heed your advice. The media has convinced women that they can actually compete with young women in this youth obsessed society as they get older. There's a whole lot of money to made selling dreams and a cottage industry has sprung up to service the single career woman who has plenty of disposable income.

  33. More power to you, Keita.
    As stated in plenty of the comments above, just know that there is a biological clock that you should at least keep in the back of your mind.

    Many men would rather be their child's biological father than not. Of course there are men who wouldn't mind adopting but I find these men to be in the minority, especially minority men (just speaking from experience.)

    Just make sure that your decision to be 30 and above without at least having an S/O won't be regretted later on.

  34. Your eggs are fine! Talk to your Obgyn, if they’re any good they’ll tell you 38 is about the time to do something. Egg freezing is a viable option at that time if Mr. Right hasn’t come along. I am recently married at 35 and no kids…yet. But when I was 30 and single, folks were running the same, lame, game questions my way. Stick to your guns, step your approach to men and dating up and don’t saddle yourself with kids out of wedlock. You are no one’s baby mama! That’s what I told them when they asked me that question.

  35. Like I said before everyone should do what they feel is best for their lives, I just hate hearing the propaganda from other singles that it's the other sides fault they are single. Truth be told, the man/woman in the mirror plays a major role in that 1 act drama. As for the stupid questions from the "happily" married crowd, that reminds me of a quote I once saw: "IF YOU STOP ASKING ME WHY IM STILL SINGLE, I WON'T ASK YOU WHY YOU'RE STILL MARRIED"!

  36. If I met a black woman like this Id keep her to myself and wed be 1. Wed sail the earth and travel to the ends of space. Just You and I.

    I dont like women with kids.. I just want HER. Im in my 40s and I dont have kids either. Never walked down the isle. WHY?? Because I dont believe in marriage. PLUS! After watching countless people get married. (And divorced) Im NOT going to join a political correctness pool of failure. Ill stay by myself and retain control of MY LIFE. Its wonderful… Id tell yall about it. But Id just piss you off.

    Here Ill just getcha mad…..:
    I leave when I want to.
    I have NO responsibilities (what so ever)
    Its real quiet in my house
    What food I buy, I get to eat!
    I travel
    I get to date ANYONE I WANT!
    I have time for everything!
    I pay NO child support
    No parent teacher conferences
    No ear infections or Pink eye
    NO diapers and baby shit smell (now you know thats disgusting as hell.)
    NO Simalac or Infamil
    No Cryin!
    I pay no Vaginamony (Lease for the vagina while married)or Alimony)
    And if I feel like layin out on MY tiny piece Palos Verdes beach allday sippin on Ice colod Caronas and smokin good weed! I CAN! With no distractions.
    I love being ME!!!!

    I can go on…

    Speakin of…..



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