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She Wants A Strong Black Man! Is That Weird?



Keep the letters coming. Well written, relationship & dating focused, and in need of advice. Why wait? Send your question to sbm@singbleblackmale.org. We’ll say something, but the SBM family will say more.

Hey Single Black Male,

How are you?

I’m a 25 year old woman, who has a great job as an engineer. I take care of my mother and I have my own everything. I have been practicing celibacy for the last two years and I’m very happy and confident in that decision. My question is about the type of relationship I need. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of a “taken in hand” relationship, but that is what I’m seeking. Basically its a wholehearted sexually-exclusive relationship in which the man “wears the pant” and is firmly in charge. He is the decision maker, the date planner, he is chivalrous, and he is dominant (to my submissive).

How do you think black men would respond to me wanting this type of relationship? It is kind of old fashioned. In our society women are told to be equals within a relationship. That really is not what I want. Though I agree with many feminist ideals I am not one. I need a man who is strong enough to take the lead in the relationship, and who I trust enough to have that amount of power; power over the relationship and to some extent over me. I know this may be a daunting task for some men, and may be even an unappealing task, but the truth is I don’t know how men would feel about it because I’ve never asked. I’ve visited several “taken in hand” websites and many of the members of these sites are older, married and white. I just want to get a young black Male’s perspective about this relationship dynamic.

Thank you in advance for your insight.


Well KC, before I continue I must explain one gross misconception you expressed …

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You are not the only woman looking for a Strong, Dominant, Chivalrous Man who “wears the pants” … you all are!

Trust me, you don’t need to read any “taken in hand” websites to find women looking for a man who can run a household and believes in chivalry. Honestly, I didn’t even know this had a name … I thought it was just called “normal”.

Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of strong black women, some even angry. And the media would love you to believe the stereotype of them wanting to run things, make all the money, and make all the decisions … but don’t believe it. Almost any woman, no matter how successful or powerful at work, wants to come home to a man who runs the house, is chivalrous, and takes charge.

So, to answer your question: Black men will respond with no shock or surprise … we are used to it.

I’m married now, so maybe I’m biased … but we want to be the head of the household. Even men who aren’t capable to run a household, be it because of money, lack of intelligence, or sheer laziness … we all want to run the household.

But, you will run into trouble in your search.

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First, Chivalry really is dead. It’s antiquated, comes from a time where women literally couldn’t fend for themselves or work, and is some ol bullsh*. These old school concepts of paying for everything, opening doors, and pulling out chairs … no one (not I) has time for that nonsense.

Secondly, finding an exclusive relationship is hard enough. Then, what you are asking for is the most requested type of man. So you have high demand and reduced supply. And … you aren’t giving up the goods. If you never have, that could help. If you did and then decided to stop … well …

To sum it up, I think what you are asking for is normal. I think all most black women are looking for the same thing. What you are asking for is not easy to find, but not as hard as as you think if you really are a good one. Keep your faith, keep being sweat (I’m assuming you are), and keep focuses. You’ll find him. You share a lot in common with a woman very close to me now … she’s married and happy (I hope so for my sake). I have hope.

SBM aka Marriage Made Me Soft aka Runs Sh* Round Here

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  1. “I’m a 25 year old woman, who has a great job as an engineer. I take care of my mother and I have my own everything.”

    Please lol, Are these letters real?

    1. Seriously- this is the case for some women. I was an engineer, starting my second career and many of my friends are engineering in the upper 5 figure/lower 6 figure salaries. We are 22-30, and we all "balls" and are making power moves. Just because its not your norm, doesn't make it not a norm. Increase you scope love. There are young, successful black women…there are many of us.

    2. That was the first sentence and the worst sentence.

      That's not how a woman or a man should ever introduce themselves.

      "I'm a 29 year old man, who has a great job in strategy consulting. I take care of my mother and father. I also have my own everything."

      Unlessen a woman is a gold digger she's walking away immediately. What do all that got to do with the price of tea in China?

  2. Good luck in your search, I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for *makes Gary Coleman face*

  3. The fact that she is concerned whether or not she'll find this type of man is indicative of a lot of things. SBM said it's "normal" but I think that belies the reality of the situation.

    Masculinity, of the type described in the letter, is and has been under attack for the last 50 or so odd years. And it hits extra hard in the black community where young boys often have an absence of strong male role models in their life. It may be normal for some, but I don't think its really "the norm."

    Do most men really have a desire to run a household nowadays? Especially when women have proven that they are up to the task. The cat is out of the bag– independent women who can handle all their own necessities want a guy to step up and do those things that SHE is clearly capable of doing?

    Back in the day (50 years ago), it was accepted that women simply couldnt or shouldnt do certain things, and the men gladly filled those roles. But growing up in postmodern feminist america, where women will claw out your eyes if you tell them what they can't or shan't do, shows us that its not always even necessary to fill those roles.

    Now, there are a lot of men who haven't been influenced by the whole "women don't need men" paradigm, and have no problem being dominant and running a household. But I suspect they want a woman who complements that mindset– a submissive, feminine woman.

    It blows my mind when a chick is all commandeering, planning dates and opening her own door and fixing her own car and doing all the things she'd want the guy to do… and then complains that he's not doing those things.

    If you want a man to wear the pants, you need to imply that you either can't or have absolutely no interest in wearing them. Ladies, if you have a problem with your dude failing to taking the lead, just step aside and wait… and watch ya man step up to the plate, almost if by magic.

        1. Nothing. Adonis doesn't lie or say wrong things once you get through what he's saying. Just interesting that they have similar ideas about post feminism/interest in non-american women/young women are for fun ideas…and have similar hyper masculine names.

          It's almost like 12point is an older version of Adonis if they're not the same person.

        2. Oooh okay. Gotcha, Char. 🙂

          I haven't compared them so I can't call it just yet, lol…

      1. @Char

        Much respect. I mean, you can check the writing styles of each commenter & tell the difference.

        No tale of the tape for now.

        The administrators can tell you, that two different people are commenting based on the ip addresses we use.

        And I love to troll & drop my TRUE opinion simultaneously. Otherwise y’all would bore me.

        Good day

    1. The problem is a lot of women HAD to take the roles you speak of. A lot of women still are heads of households and this title was thrust upon them. Lets get out of the feminist bashing/blaming and get into the real talk about community problems. Feminists didn't ruin sh$$. As a community we ruined our own sh&%. There are some historical, racial and sexual implications in my argument of course, simplified so that this isn't ridiculously long.

      Fifty years ago a woman had to fill those roles because of education perception and the traditional views for women at that time. Divorce was also not as acceptable, even in terms of spousal abuse or neglect. Let us stop looking back to 50 years ago as somehow the model of when times were great. I hate when white folks do it and I really can't stand when men (in general) do it. Everything wasn't Leave it to Beaver or I Love Lucy back then. There were some things going wrong, even then.

  4. You find someone who knocks you right off your heels, goody goody, he’s respectful, trustwiorthy, reliable, and shown he’s more than capable of running a household, this is the part where natural selection should take over and he should be handed the keys, but far too often women don’t make that concession. They all say they will defer to the right one but then out of intuition or fear, will find a reason why this one isnt worthy. Men arent exempt either, we dont take those next steps, why date when you can smash, why marry when you can coparent. In essence, we’re both keeping one foot in and one foot out, when we both know that it isnt just tradition, its what we covet.

  5. There are men out there who do want to be the head of the household, but have run into some women, who will not allow that to be. However, you have some men who do want that title but yet do not earn it. I cannot say her search will be easy because for most women it isn't right now. I would tell her to keep looking and do not give up the cookies until she finds a man who is willing to show that he wants more than those cookies from her. i.e. ultimately a serious relationship.
    My recent post I get so lonely

  6. I think it's the Dominant / Submissive portion that makes this "taken in hand" relationship different than the typical guy that wants to run the household that's mentioned in the answer portion of the article. Not sure if that type of relationship is really normalized.
    My recent post 3D Printing: Making Prosthetics at Home

    1. Yeah, I think she's talking dominant/submissive on a whole nutha level, lol.

      I'm not about THAT life. I'm more along the lines of what SBM described. I got opinions and thoughts and stuff that need to be heard and considered…so Imma need a queenly throne too, LOL. Not as big as the King's throne…but Imma need one, lol. More important, Imma need him to want me to have one!!!!

  7. " Honestly, I didn’t even know this had a name … I thought it was just called “normal”. "


    Learn something new everyday. There seems to be a name/niche group for everything now a days, lol.

  8. "Almost any woman, no matter how successful or powerful at work, wants to come home to a man who runs the house, is chivalrous, and takes charge." – AGREED! The percentage of women that don't is rather small, I believe.

    "First, Chivalry really is dead. It’s antiquated, comes from a time where women literally couldn’t fend for themselves or work, and is some ol bullsh*. These old school concepts of paying for everything, opening doors, and pulling out chairs … no one (not I) has time for that nonsense." – THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!! LOL!!! Just Saturday, dude stepped back so I could walk in front of him, opened the restaurant door, opened my car door, walked me to my car, moved so he was walking along the curb…and of course he paid!!!

    1. AND, scoring BONUS POINTS, he asked if I liked my salad…said he didn't like the way my lettuce looked. I told him it wasn't the prettiest lettuce I'd ever seen but it was ok enough. The waitress was walking our way and he stopped her and asked her to bring me soup. DID NOT ASK ME! He just HANDLED IT…didn't let me settle for the ok salad. Best crab soup I'd had in forever. Jesuuuuusssss! Man, listen…

      Don't worry about finding what you want. Let him find YOU! Trust that you deserve it (if that's what you want) and its coming. He's out there. I prefer a "man as the head, woman as the neck" dynamic myself, lol. But, if you like that for you, I want it for you!!!!

      1. I mean this as nicely as possible but it's not going to come across that way but…

        You don't deserve anything (and no one else does either). The idea that you deserve anything outside of the normal of not being an asshole human being is preposterous. Also…that whole let him find you nonsense. Umm yeah good luck sitting around waiting for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet.

        But I'm sure the lovely ladies around here are proactive and position themselves to meet the man that they desire.
        My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

        1. LOL…I'm not skinsitive…so you're good.

          I do deserve to be happy…and so do you men. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness and such UNLESS they don't sew those seeds themselves. I don't see anything wrong with thinking that way about myself cause I believe that sets the bar for how I treat others who deserve the same as well.

          And, I'm not suggesting that she should sit in her house and expect to be noticed. She def needs to get out the house…live her life outdoors and such to be seen. But, I've said it here before, I don't pursue men…and my dating life is fine. I get approached (mostly indirectly, lol). I get asked out. I determine who I wanna date based on who is interested in dating me.

        2. Deserve lends to the idea that you have done something and this is the reward for your actions…I just don't agree with that.

          I always smirk at the "Don't pursue men" idea. What does that mean to women? Both sides do their fair share of pursuit but it seems women don't view theirs as pursuing. What is pursuit to you ladies?
          My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

        3. Eh…I hear you. I think everyone deserves to have the life they want (within reason, lol). Will you have to work to get it? Will it require you to do stuff? Absolutely. You can't claim you deserve this chivalry/gentleman-like behavior when you won't do things to make a man feel like a man. No sir! But, if you're doing your part, you should absolutely expect your efforts to be reciprocated.

          LOL. I think women should do what makes them comfy. Pursuing is just not comfy for me. To me, pursuing is, "Hi, I'm CO81. Are you single? If so, is it ok if we exchange numbers and talk sometime?" Pursuing is Alicia Keys in the "You don't Know My Name". I'd never do that. Now, I know when a guy is feeling me out. If I'm interested, I make him feel welcomed. But, I don't approach men. At all. *shrugs*

      2. Hey ChooseyLover, here, i was taught this technique by my father about being the man of the house and not the man in the house. the man is really the head of the house-hold. he and my mother were married for 64 yrs the reverend used to open doors for my mother and treated her like a queen, paid all the bills, took her out and she in turn expected that from him.we were taught this is what a man is suppose to do. in this new age those teachings has been lost in the old archives of history. so many of our young black men are not taught this. i see nothing wrong about a woman picking up a check,as long as it agreed upon before hand.some men feel it is a blow to their mighty ego. can you say helpmate? my marriage ended after 5 yrs. and i found out that the woman i had married wanted to play both roles and i decided to leave her in this mode.

      3. Question: If that guy wasn't doing all those things, would you consider him less desirable?

        I ask because all men haven't been socially equipped to know to do (all) those things, and I feel many of today's independent, well-to-do, upwardly mobile, educated women penalize us for that. Most of us that frequent this site claim to seek understanding when it comes to interpersonal relations and the like, I just wonder how true it is, because most of us don't want to look at the reasons why things are the way they are, we dismiss them as excuses and it does both sexes a disservice.

        1. If I were much younger, probably not. But, at age 32, yeah…I think a man round about this age or older should have his gentleman thing on lock. Now, the bonus part? I wouldn't have counted it against a man for letting me eat my ok salad. But, it said all sorts of things about the type of man he is because he did it…which was a major plus.

      1. But, you can't say it didn't have anything to do with chivalry at all!!! Imma need you fellas to give your definition of chivalry then. Cause that was chivalry enough for me, LMBO! Chivalrous…how would you say that?! LOL *shrugs*

        …and he sure was. Great date.

    2. I think the percentage of women who don't is larger than you believe. I need Google Glasses so y'all can see the conversations I'm having on the regular with women.

      1. Do you know these women personally? I'm just curious to know whether or not these women are able to maintain a healthy level of respect for men who are ok with that.

        My guess would be that they aren't…

  9. What she is saying is bull. If she wants a strong black man, that means she is going to bring something to the relationship. She haven't said anything that she is going to bring to the table except for she own "everything" that most black men that has something going for themselves own their own stuff. She don't say that she can cook, clean, and bring peace to a man's life. Also, she mentioned that she has been celibate for 2 years. I am not really sure what she did before that. As the saying goes "you can't turn a whore into a housewife."

  10. Oh this is a good one…

    I don't think what she is asking for is bad…overall. But it begs me to ask a question. WTF is the woman's role in this relationship? I mean she wants some dominant/submissive role that almost sounds like its actually a fantasy of hers. Most men have not problem being the things that she is wanting but she is the other piece of the puzzle that men may not want to deal with. No one cares you are an engineer. No one cares that you take care of your mother (yet). They do care about you feeling like a man should do everything in a relationship. They do care about you possibly not viewing him as a partner and as your lord in some feudal system household.

    I'm honestly concerned about the type of relationship she wants. it's like she wants a "master". Well missy marriage is a partnership and you don't seem to want a partner.

    good luck though…or something.
    My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

    1. "I'm honestly concerned about the type of relationship she wants. it's like she wants a "master"."

      I got that vibe too. But, I'm sure there are men who would get down with that. Marriage is what you make it. And if that's the dynamic the couple wants, I'm sure it'd work fine for them.

      …wouldn't work for me, but, lol… hey…

    2. I'm mad mostly every man read that post and said they didn't care about everything she said in her first sentence.

    3. @Animate

      You bring up an excellent point.

      Women are quick to tell you want your duties & roles are. While their roles are vague & undefined.

      Which sounds like this quote

      “Women want the POWER of MEN, the PRIVILEGE of WOMEN, and the RESPONSIBILITY of NEITHER.”


      No thank you.

  11. I wish these emails had pictures with them. That's a big factor here and it's missing. I'm trying to think of why this isn't working out for her. It's probably not the guys, it's her. My opinion.

    I said on a panel the other day that women would find problems dating me because i'm a traditional man and I really don't do "modern man" very well. I look at the way things are now and I look at the way things were then and I choose to go the other way. Almost all my guy friends are the same too. A lot of men aren't rushing to get married because they don't like the way women are these days. They don't want traditional relationships, they want something else. What that is? I do NOT know.

  12. So I married that kind of man you r asking for but be aware and make sure you can deal with the whole picture. My husband was raised in a Michelle Obamaesque home, mom stayed and home, daddy went out to slay the dragons. Me? I am Trinidadian, mom was an accountant and daddy was in insurance. No stay at home mother,BUT mummy was a domestic beast even though she worked outside the home…like most West Indian women. So, husband fell in love with the fact that I can cook “from scratch” is how he brags about it, that I can and do take care of my man, anticipates his needs before he gets home, a tidy house, hot dinner and most of all peace and quiet, when he gets home. I plan when to discuss issues that might lead to a fight. Are you this type of woman? Can you be? I also work outside the home, I am accountant but my role as a wife to him trumps all else. He returns it all to me ten fold, when he says to me, I will take a bullet for you.

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  14. My take on this.

    If you are a average middle of the road BW. It will be harder & harder to find patriarchal black men who want to lead a relationship in the age of fatherless men.

    When you think it is okay for women to have sons & daughters by yourselves, you have women e-mailing the SBM show, wondering WTF happened.

    It takes so much to build a responsible man.

    To be not only attractive & masterful conversationally & sexually, but to have the mindset to dedicate himself to one woman, and average one at that.

    We don’t appreciate these men until they are absent & our community is crumbling around us.

    I would tell oh girl to get a white boy, but maybe she ain’t bout that swirling life.

    Maybe she’ll hit lotto.

    Good day


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