Keep the letters coming. Well written, relationship & dating focused, and in need of advice. Why wait? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll say something, but the SBM family will say more.
Hey Single Black Male,
How are you?
I’m a 25 year old woman, who has a great job as an engineer. I take care of my mother and I have my own everything. I have been practicing celibacy for the last two years and I’m very happy and confident in that decision. My question is about the type of relationship I need. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of a “taken in hand” relationship, but that is what I’m seeking. Basically its a wholehearted sexually-exclusive relationship in which the man “wears the pant” and is firmly in charge. He is the decision maker, the date planner, he is chivalrous, and he is dominant (to my submissive).
How do you think black men would respond to me wanting this type of relationship? It is kind of old fashioned. In our society women are told to be equals within a relationship. That really is not what I want. Though I agree with many feminist ideals I am not one. I need a man who is strong enough to take the lead in the relationship, and who I trust enough to have that amount of power; power over the relationship and to some extent over me. I know this may be a daunting task for some men, and may be even an unappealing task, but the truth is I don’t know how men would feel about it because I’ve never asked. I’ve visited several “taken in hand” websites and many of the members of these sites are older, married and white. I just want to get a young black Male’s perspective about this relationship dynamic.
Thank you in advance for your insight.
Well KC, before I continue I must explain one gross misconception you expressed …
You are not the only woman looking for a Strong, Dominant, Chivalrous Man who “wears the pants” … you all are!
Trust me, you don’t need to read any “taken in hand” websites to find women looking for a man who can run a household and believes in chivalry. Honestly, I didn’t even know this had a name … I thought it was just called “normal”.
Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of strong black women, some even angry. And the media would love you to believe the stereotype of them wanting to run things, make all the money, and make all the decisions … but don’t believe it. Almost any woman, no matter how successful or powerful at work, wants to come home to a man who runs the house, is chivalrous, and takes charge.
So, to answer your question: Black men will respond with no shock or surprise … we are used to it.
I’m married now, so maybe I’m biased … but we want to be the head of the household. Even men who aren’t capable to run a household, be it because of money, lack of intelligence, or sheer laziness … we all want to run the household.
But, you will run into trouble in your search.
First, Chivalry really is dead. It’s antiquated, comes from a time where women literally couldn’t fend for themselves or work, and is some ol bullsh*. These old school concepts of paying for everything, opening doors, and pulling out chairs … no one (not I) has time for that nonsense.
Secondly, finding an exclusive relationship is hard enough. Then, what you are asking for is the most requested type of man. So you have high demand and reduced supply. And … you aren’t giving up the goods. If you never have, that could help. If you did and then decided to stop … well …
To sum it up, I think what you are asking for is normal. I think
all most black women are looking for the same thing. What you are asking for is not easy to find, but not as hard as as you think if you really are a good one. Keep your faith, keep being sweat (I’m assuming you are), and keep focuses. You’ll find him. You share a lot in common with a woman very close to me now … she’s married and happy (I hope so for my sake). I have hope.
SBM aka Marriage Made Me Soft aka Runs Sh* Round Here