Home Featured How Much Does “Experience” Matter To You?

How Much Does “Experience” Matter To You?



Today, I’m really interested in getting to know you all. I’d like to know in the realm of relationships, where does experience matter to you? Experience in general has it’s purpose and is very important. Today’s piece is all about the pros and cons of experience, or lack thereof. How does this play into our lives?


Experience :

Some people may prefer dating a person who has had experience with dating in general. Having had those experiences the hope is that you both are better prepared. You all can utilize past experiences to help when you have problems with one another. The knowledge you gain from having had past boyfriends or girlfriends are immense. I would hope you could pick up things like when someone doesn’t want to be bothered. Sometimes people might just need their space. When you have experience you can hopefully make life easier for your partner. There’s some things that may happen that you won’t sweat. With experience you you simply see everything through a different lens. The ultimate hope I think is that there is less insecurity on both sides.

Lack of experience:

If someone is in a relationship and they don’t have much experience dating someone, it might be pretty annoying. Inexperienced people might make big deals of things you might find rather trivial. It’s possible that someone with less experience needs more reassuring about where they stand with you. Inexperienced people can also sometimes just be oblivious to certain things. It’s either your job to be reassuring and patient or not.

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Some people need a partner with substantial sexual experience. This doesn’t mean they had to have been with many people (not that it matters). What it does mean is that this person might satisfy you how you’d like with a shorter “learning curve.” Some people need that. There’s people that want their world rocked from jump street and timid isn’t in their vocabulary.

Lack of experience:

A lack of sexual experience I would say is a required taste. If your partner isn’t as experienced and is more close minded then you might have a rough time. My advice in this situation is to have great communication. You also have to have a boatload of patience. A lot of understanding goes into being with someone who isn’t as experienced as you may be. There may be nights where you just didn’t get your lights knocked out. Know that reality before you even get to that point.

As for me, I don’t think I have a high enough threshold of patience to deal with inexperience. I know this about myself. I try to pursue people who are like minded in areas that matter much to me. I know that a woman I’m with has to be comfortable giving me my space. She also has to be secure enough in herself to know her importance to me. Having said that, it would be my job to make sure she knows often enough that she means something to me. As for sex, I know I’d prefer someone that is open minded and experienced. That’s just my preference, I don’t do well with reserved people; I’m an extrovert.

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Experience is a topic I don’t think is talked about enough. Experience or lack thereof may dictate so much about how you navigate the dating scene. What are you willing to put up with?  How high do you prioritize the amount of experience your partner should have? I’m interested to hear your thoughts and stories.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM. His bio: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) http://viralstatus.com/category/kahlilhaywood/




  1. I want experience.. especially in the bedroom. Well matter of fact, they are equally important. I want a man that has been around the block a couple of times. So when he comes to me he is done with that extra bs (sowing his wild oats and hopefully past his 5 minutes hit it phase).
    My recent post How To Play The Field

  2. I'd def take experience over inexperience at the lovely age of 32. But, I think its important to note that experience does not always mean that lessons were learned.

    So, ultimately, I think what I'd prefer is wisdom…someone who's been through some things and actually learned from those experiences. You don't need to go through a lot…just the right things with a mindset to grow and become better. And a wise person follows the theory of Socrates…you never think you know everything and you're always looking to know/understand more. A wise person is planted in their foundation (values) but open-minded as it relates to the details of them/how they play out. Quick learners…

  3. I have a friend who is 25, she is virgin and has never dated or kissed a boy/man. She would also like to marry a virgin. Her first experience at a nightclub was when she started working. Dont get me wrong, she is extremely beautiful and remaining completely chaste has been due to her commitment to her religion(Christian).
    Experience in relationships and general relationships with men is very important. I was raised around boys, my closest and oldest friends are men! I have also dated, well I've been celibate for the past 2 years and i am no longer dating. However when we meet men and im with my friend, because of my experience i know most of the time its a game. He wants to hit.. and well i want..(that doesnt matter). She gets so surprised by how thirsty guys on the streets are. There is nothing a man can do to shock me anymore. I have seen and heard it ALL.
    Sometimes i think in as much as experience is important, it can be over rated. You have to approach each person on a case by case basis. At times that experience can turn into baggage. You can end up bearing the brunt for someone elses transgressions and I know only one man who was willing to pay for other people's sins while he was faultless.

  4. Experience is important to me, because I do not feel like having to build someone from the ground up. It's one thing for us to grow from each other based on what we have already, but I just do not want to teach someone how to be in a relationship, how to place your hot dog in the bun, etc etc etc. I am not offering an entry level position anymore. Experience is very necessary.
    My recent post I get so lonely

  5. Experience is valued in all aspects of a relationship but you also want to be able to grow with that person. I feel like if someone walks in with too much experience sometimes it can ruin the experience of that relationship (no pun intended). Sometimes you need the mistakes in a current relationship to happen so you can kind of grow and learn together. Learning to be better while learning about each other is such a beautiful thing. I guess it’s all relative.

  6. Experience is a double-edged sword, definitely. Too little of it and you can perceived ass a prude, naive, ignorant, etc. Too much of it and you can be perceived as bitter and jaded. I think that it is important to really learn from all the good and bad things in our past relationships and apply what we have learned to our new relationships. I was definitely inexperienced with relationships throughout most of my college years and as a result, suffered through some terrible relationships. But with the knowledge and experience of what not to do, I am now in a situation that is suitable to my history and potential future.

  7. Im sooo glad you posted this!!!!

    when i bring this subject up to my friends they all think im crazy!

    I'm 31 and have only been in 1 real relationship, I'm a widow, and i'm insecure about my lack of experience, I haven't dated in 10 years, i'm bright eyed and bushy tailed, most of the men i'm meeting are jaded been hurt too many times and because i'm attractive find it hard to believe i'm single. I feel like i get punished for not knowing typical relationship cues…

    I definitely want some one experienced, but one that is ok with the level that I'm at…

    1. Sorry for your loss, Didi 🙁 . I'm a divorcee who was married for 7+ years so I know ALLLLLLLLL about what getting re-introduced to the dating game at this stage feels like, smh.

      1. Its different and pretty dangerous out here. My advice is to date for the purpose of observing and getting your hands/head around what the 2013 dating scene is like for a while…don't take anything too seriously. Just date to get to know folks for now…not for a relationship per se (if it turns into that later, fine). This will also help you to zero in on what you realistically want/need in the man who will be extracted from the 2013 dating pool. It'll also keep you from being too eager and giving too much too soon. It takes a while to get out of WIFE mode…but its a must. By doing this, you'll find the balance you need to offset the experiece in dating that you lack…you don't lack experience in relationships at all (you had the best lesson of all, marriage). And this is WISDOM talking cause I did NOT follow this advice and had to learn the hard way…now, I can share this with ladies like you, lol. I was the first of my peers to get divorced so I didn't have anyone to hold my hand and walk me through the processes that followed.

        1. THANK You!!! giurl!! i appreciate your responding! i'm def stuck in wife mode! single people look crazy as hell from a married perspective,, all this damn packaging and repackaging themselves… well good luck to you thanks for the advice ! 🙂

  8. I think I would prefer someone who doesn't have much experience because I am young and don't have much dating experience myself and secondly because they won't have as much emotional baggage. They will still have a modicum of innocence and with that be able to trust and love freely without fear. I think our ability to love truly and deeply is cut and divided with every heartbreak we endure 🙁 So sad…
    My recent post 5 Reasons Men Don't Approach You

  9. My concern is not so much about experience, but a person's willingness to learn and grow. Whether it be relationship or sexual, I step into every situation as a new clean slate. So whatever you THOUGHT you knew, becomes an all new experience because there is a new person involved. I prefer an inexperienced person who is willing to teach and learn as opposed to a cocky know-it-all…I might be a little extreme, but I just like to grow together!

  10. Physical experience is a must, because that chemistry is so important. I know a female friend of mine from college who is 30+ and has never "given" oral. No ma'am, no thanks! Check please!

  11. I am days away from 40 and I would have to agree with many of the ladies that experience, especially in the sex department is important, however, it is just as important that with that experience that a man realizes that every woman is not the same. What your last women liked, may not be the same thing that I like. He has to understand that he must take the time to learn my body and what turns me on.
    Relationships are the same. At my age, I would expect that any man that I date has experience in that area, as well. I am too old to teach a man
    My recent post Beyonce’s Father, Matthew Knowles Marries Gena Charmaine Avery

    1. That works both ways, that's why communication is so important. Have to be free do discuss desires to your partner or else it can go flat as old soda.

  12. I’m open to just see what happens. On one hand I want someone who is experienced for that “Wow factor”. On the other hand it would be nice to grow with someone who doesn’t know it all and not afraid to admit they are learning. A perfect combination would be a man that applied his experience with knowing this is a fresh and new beginning with someone else.

  13. Personally when it comes to “Experience” it is preferred, but more than just Experience as Wildflower first stated “Wisdom” is key when seeking the “Experienced” and what trumps a “Lack of Experience” is a Willingness to Learn from the “Experienced One”. That Willingness to Learn can’t be taught, but it can be developed and nurtured…

  14. As someone not on the experienced side, I used to think I wanted to be with someone who knew more because I like to learn and be prepared. But for all of people's experiences these days no wisdom seems to have come of it just jadedness. I feel like the last fool to be believe…period. Now I think I'd rather be with someone like me who isn't heavy on the experience side. Open minds, willingness to change, we can grow together and if I don't get it right the first time he'll understand and if he doesn't I'll understand.


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