Home Featured A New Twist on an Old Problem: The Friend Zone Should Inspire You to Improve Yourself

A New Twist on an Old Problem: The Friend Zone Should Inspire You to Improve Yourself

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the friend zone meme

The Friend Zone is the harshest prison on earth. You get imprisoned not for doing anything wrong, but for being who you are. It makes sense then that people take their time there to heart. What people don’t realise is that it shouldn’t be a punishment, but rather an opportunity. It is beyond annoying how much people complain about what should be seen as an indictment of themselves and their peers.  Bear with me as I essentially tell you to stop boring us with your friendship-filled tears, and do something to change the situation.

People are idiots. This is because we are irrational. The difference between ignorance and stupidity is that with ignorance one doesn’t know any better. With stupidity one knows better but doesn’t do better, and this irrationality stems from our natural inclination to base our decisions on our emotions. This is why people often end up with people they shouldn’t have any business associating with. You know this man is fat, ugly, dumb and any other bad adjective you can Google. But hey, he’s popular so now you want to start DM-ing him your BBM pin. You’re an idiot.

She’s shallow, materialistic and uninteresting. Mmmm, but she’s got the most perfect ass you’ve ever seen, so now you’ve caught feelings. You’re an idiot too. But don’t be mad at them for feeling how they feel, be mad at them for acting on it. What people who’ve been friendzoned need to realise is that people can’t help how they feel. You can’t force them to like you back, or force them to stop liking who they like, no matter how recklessly they are behaving.

See Also:  Instant Gratification: We want what we want, when we want it!

“You can’t feel anything that your heart doesn’t want to feel” – James Morrison

Firstly, you need to make peace with the fact that people like maintaining appearances. Yes she said she wanted a smart, funny and sweet guy, and you’re all those things, but she’s still not giving it to you. That is because she didn’t say he also has to be attractive, rich and/or popular. It doesn’t mean she was lying, it just means that she wasn’t 100% honest. Similarly, a guy saying he wants a smart, strong and independent woman isn’t being completely honest when he omits that she must not make more than him or defy his authority, and must give him sex on command.

It’s difficult for people to be 100% honest in this world because we need to be civil to maintain our social standing. No girl can come out and say that she is a gold digger and expect to maintain friendships. As a friend you must accept that people only list criteria in an ideal and not necessarily practical manner. They say they want those qualities ideally, but life is not necessarily ideal. People are fluid creatures; accept that each situation is different. People desire many qualities in theory, but hearts aren’t known for their rationality.

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Next, you must also see where people are coming from. Sometimes people genuinely don’t see their friends in a sexual/relational manner, but a lot of the time it boils down to attraction. Some people must realise that as great as they are as people, that doesn’t necessarily make them attractive. Fine, you’re really funny and nice and everything, but you look like Rick Ross without the Rick Ross money, so now what must happen? There is a very distinct difference between being good-looking and being attractive. You can’t, barring an episode of Dr 90210, change your physical features, but you can improve your level of attractiveness. If you’ve got thousands of jokes but zero sexual charisma, stop trying to bully her into being with you and improve yourself. Go to the gym, buy a GQ, watch Mystery’s show, read a book, WHATEVER DUDE. Just be better. Attraction isn’t necessarily always about looks, often it’s more mental and emotional than anything.

Lastly, you need to wake the f**k up. If you’ve done everything in your power to be the best you can be for this person and they still don’t want you, let it go. When you apply for a job and your application gets denied, you don’t keep going to their office to cry about it. You either work towards improving your résumé and apply again, or you go get another job. If your improved experience and updated résumé doesn’t get you the job, go apply somewhere else. There will always be better jobs and there will always be better people. Ask yourself this: if they can’t recognise how amazing you are, are they really worth your time? Just accept that your friend, as amazing as they may be, is an idiot.

See Also:  Break Ups and The Fear of Not-Enough-Ness

The Friend Zone should inspire you to improve yourself! If your friend doesn’t want you, you should either let it go and move on to better things, or improve yourself to the point that you cannot be denied. People will always feel how they want to feel and there is nothing you can do to change that, so stop crying about it and just be better. If after all that effort you are still determined to be with them as opposed to someone who recognises you for who you are, then good luck. You are a person after all, and people are idiots.

By Lebo Sibisi (@MrImJustSayin) is an full-time student, freelance writer and full-time cynic. He’s not saying anything, but, you know, he’s just sayin.

Comment(79)

  1. Exactly! When they’ve made their choice, make your choice to move on. Not saying don’t be their friend if you choose, but you’re not wrong if you don’t either. You’ll never find or be found by somebody who’ll see you that way when you’re too busy running up behind somebody who don’t want you. That’s not them hurting you; that’s you hurting yourself now.

  2. Since being friend zoned is something that mostly happens to men but it bears mentioning that men will be fine with being friend zoned when women are fine being in relationships with no commitment. The feeling a woman gets when she feels she is a great woman and wants a commitment from a guy, especially one that's a great catch and he isn't trying to settle down. That feeling of hurt and wondering why doesn't he think I'm good enough to be committed to, that's the same feeling when a guy gets friend zoned. Different scenarios but same feeling of hurt, rejection and disappointment. Women don't really deal with too much rejection like guys but that's probably the closest.

    1. fair point, but ladies is friend zoned too go and brush ya shoulders off. Like i said its humbling to feel like you’re doing nothing wrong yet and still, they just cant bring themselves to want you in THAT way.

  3. I was caught in the friend zone once. I was miserable at the time, but I don't regret it. It was a learning experience and helped make me the person I am today.

    Its funny too, after I became more awesome and she started getting old and having babies, suddenly she's interested. Too bad I'm not… but I WOULD have some power secks with her as a friendly nod to my past self.

    Always be loyal to yourself.

  4. @Buck hahahahahahahaahahaha exactly

    @mpj2k4 I understand the feeling. At the end of the day we need to respect that everyone has a right to make their own choices. A lot of the time it isn’t really a reflection of you, it’s more a matter of their personal preferences, so all we can do is respect that at move on.

    @Paul B took the words right out of my mouth. There’s no point missing out on everything life has to offer because you’re trying to draw blood from a stone.

  5. I like the different stance on how we view the "friend zone." However, I refuse to give any ladies a "back door" as a result. Ladies the "friend zone" isn't a place you stash great guys away in case of emergencies. As long as some ladies use this method, I'm going to call shenanigans on any who complain about getting similar treatment from the guys who dodge settling down like Neo in "The Matrix"!

      1. Hell yeah….nothing wrong with being friends if you're cool with that…but um NO, we ain't going to no concerts, dinners, movies, whatever just because you ain't got some dude to take you to those things. Its a very slippery slope and you'll find yourself wondering and thinking shit that isn't real.

      2. Wait, so what the heck do friends do? I go to movies, concerts, dinners with my friends all the time! And before we go to the who pays part, i'm a dutch girl on regular dates and me and my friends alternate on paying for each other, especially when we just want someone to hang and they don't have money. I don't feel like having a friend should have restrictions, people should just not do friend things and be in their feelings like it's SUPPOSED to be something that only a couple does.

  6. Simply put, no one is obligated to love your a**. The friend zone is a guilt trip, blaming someone else for wanting nothing more from you than friendship, they arent misleading you, they arent disrespecting you, for the most part they’ve done nothing to you but humble you. I know what I bring to the table as a boyfriend, if she doesnt see that or is unwilling to take advantage thats her prerogative, just dont try to come around years later. That window will be closed, like the Lakers.

  7. as someone who's been through this….and probably will continue to go through this (lol), that James Morrison quote is quite crucial. and you're right, you can't force someone to like you. if they don't…they just see you as a friend, welp, that's all your getting. instead of forcing someone to like me, i find it better to concentrate on other things. like…getting money/power/respect (what you need in life #Lox).
    I've accepted my fate as a perpetual member of the friend zone, my personality puts me there, so i do my best to not get too attached (although i fail at times lol) and like i said, worry about other sh*t.

    which, incidentally, when i worry about other sh*t, apparently i'm more 'interesting'. go figure. ha.

    1. I mean…I want you to be you and all, lol…

      …but you aren't willing to add some other strategies to your flow at all to improve your "attractiveness"????

      You've been pulling at my heart strings with your posts and I kinda want you to win in this area, LOL. How you "accept" this is killing me softly!!!!!

      1. "…but you aren't willing to add some other strategies to your flow at all to improve your "attractiveness"???? "

        yes. money. lol

        but nah seriously, ain't nothing i can really do but just be me. either some chick will recognize it…or not.

        but dollars do go a lot to making pigs look like princes tho lol

        1. h.h.h., this works on broke chicks, LOL. Those of us who have our own money aren't looking for a financial upgrade, per se. Chemistry/compatibility are more important to us. 😉

          I prefer to be me too…and I am everyday, all day. But, the me that dresses stylishly, the me that visits salon(s) before dates, the me that filters some of my thoughts through my real male friends just to see how my "approach" will go over, LOL. It can't just be about being "you" because "you" are trying to become an "us" which involves another person. I liken this to someone who wants to become a mechanic but won't go to school to fully understand cars and how to fix/operate them. No one's gonna let you fix their car if they can't tell that you have the specs on how to fix/operate them. "I can expand your mind, keep a smile on your face, help you take care of life's business, and make you wanna holla…here's a snapshot of what I can do." You have to sell yourself…

        2. "Those of us who have our own money aren't looking for a financial upgrade, per se. Chemistry/compatibility are more important to us. 😉 "

          Yea but…
          you know what….i'll chill. no 'yea buts'…i see what youre saying. chemistry is always key. as per your advice, i hope that works, one day.

        3. Good points and well taken. I think the key in your statement is that believe it or not you do have to sell yourself if you are on the market trying to date. Whether you need to go to the gym more often, consume more vegetables, hit up a teeth whitening salon, and view a couple blogs on men style, these are all the tricks in the game to get what you want. It not only will help with your confidance, but it let's the woman know that you care alot about yourself and so forth.

        4. @HHH

          Money is good, if you already have the other internal stuff already handled.

          Other than that, like Cyn81, once chicks have their basic needs met (food, clothing, shelter, disposable income) they are checking for attractive alpha male.

          TO THE POINT where they will provide food, clothing & shelter to a broke, dysfunctional, substance abusive alpha male.

          So, your best bet is non-BW. And even if you do try to date out in your jurisdiction, you are going to need alittle bit of Game/Learned Charisma about yours to keep guy like me from trying to pull your broad.

          There is no short-cuts. You are going to have to upgrade your romantic skillset.

          Money will not save you.

          Ask Ben Goldsmith about where his money got him

        5. your advice wont work for a man like me.

          if 'a guy like you' were to pull my broad, then we weren't really that attached to begin with.

          good luck on your path, kid.

        6. your advice wont work for a man like me.

          Of course, if you have a huge ego, and no room to listen to wise counsel.

          if 'a guy like you' were to pull my broad, then we weren't really that attached to begin with.

          It is not about being attached. Because, if I am up on term, the definition of cheating is being attached to someone while sleeping with someone else (which was not in the monogamous agreement.) which is a common practice in the world.

          good luck on your path, kid.

          I don't need luck, I just need an opportunity. I put the time in already

          For your mindset & premise to work, luck HAS to be on your side, like winning powerball twice in consecutive days.

          I would even say get an older woman, but even the older chicks are wacked.

          Thanks tho

      2. This has always been a dynamic I found interesting. People will give the advice of "just be yourself" or "keep it all the way real" and "Don't be fake and pretend to be someone you're not" ….but then when results aren't being obtained at a rate in which one deems 'normal' (whatever that means) the advice becomes to ultimately do different things that may not necessarily define who you are.

        But the old saying goes, "Do you what you've always done and you'll get what you've always gotten." Or one might construe it as "If being yourself ain't working, then change who you are". Like I said, very interesting dichotomy if you ask me.

        However, I understand common sense and certain levels of discernment apply here to effectively separate contexts.

        1. LOL! You gotta know what your core is. My core (who I am) won't bend for anyone. My clothes can. My delivery/approach can (somewhat, lol). You can tweak those in a way that doesn't change who you are.

          "I understand common sense and certain levels of discernment apply here to effectively separate contexts." – Absolutely.

        2. @Larry

          Basically "just be yourself" advice is bullsh*t. Because your dating pool is so small, it might take 30 years for your "match" to come through. The cost of NOT CHANGING is too damn high.

          Especially when in comes to alot of Black second class Americans.

          Some men & women need a complete overhaul of their personality/vibe/aura.

          When it comes to the black men who are more likely to get friend-zoned, they need their azz in a MMA gym & learn how to upgrade their handskills. Or just be around more masculine men

          This post ain't about BW, so their improvements are irrelevant.

        3. I love my sisters cuz they all keep it real with me….one thing they always told me is never be yourself. It was something I just applied to interviews for jobs but with people these days, especially for a woman, you're gonna have to embellish and sell a bit if you want to catch the eye of your apple.

    2. The thing that always lingers on my mind after I read posts like these ( I imagine a nice guy, witty, sweet, maybe a little passive) about being stuck in the friend zone is well gee.. I wonder what women are friend-zoning you. The answer can't possibly be "ALL"…. Just the women you want.

      Have you thought about looking outside of your "type" without compromising your standards of attractiveness in a woman?

      This may not be you per se, but I can't help but feel like a lot of guys who consistently get friendzoned are pining after women who are "dimes" and possess many physical qualities that could make a man stan for someone who really isn't checking for them. There are only so many "total package" people in any given room. And they are usually checking for whatever their top 10 or total package ideal is (with blinders on to anyone who's outside of that).

      This is for everyone on the board today. Maybe that one person who wouldn't friendzone you is a little shorter or taller or heavier or darker than your ideal. Maybe they're a little nerdier. Who knows.

      Find someone who thinks you're amazing.

      1. "Have you thought about looking outside of your "type" without compromising your standards of attractiveness in a woman?"

        Great question…

  8. 1. I was an ignorant idiot. I wish someone would have broken The Game down to me when I was a teenager. I would have gotten a lot more @ss & went through much less heartache.

    2.

    #1 Model after the guys who are sleeping with the women you want to sleep with

    AND

    #2 Since women are on bullsh*t that will leave them to be eternally unhappy, bitter & single later on in life, your job is to unapologetically date multiple women.

    Because the friend zone & all the other b*llsh*t they pull is essentially telling you to be polyamorous without saying it

    3. If you are petty like me, and you know the chicks who curved you in the past will eventually come back around.

    Overtime men get more attractive through money, accomplishments & experience & women overtime do not have the hot body that they maintained when they were 18 – 25.

    Strongly consider charging her some money. Tap that azz a few times and kick her to the curb.

    Ish like

    kicking her out of your car in the middle of the freeway.

    Donkey Punches

    Burn her clothes & Make her walk home naked.

    Not that i have ever done these things. Just a few ideas.

    But that is if you are a PETTY idiot. Like me.

    And Tariq Nasheed is a much better choice for black men if they want to learn Game at a deep level.

    The bigger question is, can Black Men humble themselves to learn how to become excellent Game Practitioners.

    That remains to be seen.

    Good day

    1. …of course you know who Tariq Nasheed is, LMBO!

      He's hilarious…def harsh and extra…but, I get him. My homeboy told me about him a while back and I sat and listened to his show on Youtube for HOURS.

      …gotta know all play books in order to keep your game up-to-date, lol…

        1. I agree that his advice (some of it) can work for women as well.

          As for your other statement, there's always someone better or just as for a man or woman to look at, trust. My "potential" is more like Eddie Murphy at the end of Boomerang though, regardless of what looks better, he's happily settled on what he has. He may look, but he won't look too long and he will not touch.

        2. @Cyn81

          That was not was I was tryin to say Cyn.

          I was basically making the point that knowing your attraction triggers is not going to stop your attraction for someone, when someone triggers it.

          But I guess you drew it out as it applies to you & yours or something.

        3. Ahhh…gotcha, lol.

          Nope. But, my statement still works though, lol. Regardless of the reality that your attraction triggers will be triggered by someone else aside from your boo (regardless of your playbook knowledge), I want the man at that place in his life (the place I mentioned).

      1. As far as the other negroes playbook. I think I have spent at least two years "billed by the hour" learning about the other side.

        Watching Maury
        MRA/PUA/MGTOW theory
        White/Black Feminism
        Black community problems

        etc.

        I pop my collar to any woman who can pull a fast one one me.

        You gotta shake a negro's hand for making 3 half court shots in a row!!!

        1. in short:
          MRA – men's rights activist
          PUA – pick up artist
          MGTOW – men going their own way

        2. I see more and more guys getting in to this powerful stuff. The information and experiences they share are very empowering to learn as a dude. I think most guys take bits and pieces from each school of thought and end up with a strong individual sense of what it takes to gain or maintain the type of masculinity that appeals to them. And that can range from waking up covered in beeches, to living by yourself in the middle of the woods hunting wild boar with a bowie knife.

        3. @12 Point Buck

          Truth be told, MGTOW men have always been black , we just didn’t have a word for it.

          Now, men who are extreme with it, as you illustrated, sound privileged, white & in need of adventure.

          If you are a average black guy in racist/misandrist America, you have all the adventure you NEED. All you have to do is go outside.

          But MGTOW is a man living life on his own terms & rejected the mainstream message that do not fit in your best interests.

  9. Men and Women both have friendzones. It's just you are more likely to get smashed in the man's friendzone if you let them. LOL Let's not forget it's not always about the woman wanting to downgrade from said person in the friendzone, who "has all the qualities she is looking for". Some men are okay people, but they become friendzone for the following reasons:

    They said something that completely turns you off:
    "It's very rare that you find someone your age who doesn't have kids, Can you even have kids? Have you ever been pregnant" (I'm 28 years old, can't say i'm ready for that talk yet.)

    Have standards that do not jive with your standards:
    He talks to his mother like he has lost his mind (I need a man who loves their mama)

    Finally, Chemistry is the most important thing. If we have multiple phone conversations and we are just listening to each other breath and reaching for things to speak about, why would I want to be with you for a long time?

    If I am friendzone'd by a man, I honestly want to know the real reason, not the nice sweet reason but the real reason because sometimes the ambiguity of why said person does not want to be with you hurts more than a horrible truth.

        1. But essentially it is. "we just ain't feeling u like that." If she is a good woman, as one would think how could you not be feeling her? Shouldn't you be happy that someone with all those qualities have fell into your lap? I think men and women's reason to friendzone are very similar but women tend to love to talk so we can explain it in 10 different ways, while men tend to just classify everything into one subject. For example:

          Friendzoning-Women:
          Conversations are super dull or just talks about the same thing over and over
          He is moving faster than I would like
          He gives a weird vibe when we hang out

          Friendzoning-Men:
          I ain't feeling her like that

          Essentially, we friend zone for the same reasons, guys just don't care to go into the detail, which is why ya'll catch so much flack from women when many want to end something by failing off the face of the earth versus just telling her straight out. You guys do not want to have those conversations, whereas a woman would still be uncomfortable with the conversation, but we are more likely able articulate details as to why this would not work.

          My recent post I get so lonely

        2. Co-sign bro! Sometimes, it's just you may not have the plump backside we are accustomed to. Sometimes, we know you would be a good catch but you have financial issues or baby daddy drama, or mutiple kids. Maybe we just think you cool to hangout with and to be wingwoman, but that's about it.

        3. "Sometimes, it's just you may not have the plump backside we are accustomed to"

          You've got to be kidding me… *face palm*

        4. Taking rejection is a learned situation. So unless you are just an highly unattractive woman in every single way possible, we do not deal with rejection on a regular basis. So I commend you guys who have to deal with rejection more so than women, because ya'll let it slide off your back and make it seem as if you never cared in the first place.

          I liken a woman's reaction to rejection the same way as a person who always gets a job may act. You interview with positions and have a 100% success rate until one day, you find a job that you think will really be awesome for you, until that job says they are looking for someone with other qualities. When you are accustomed to winning, it's hard to take a lost. I have been rejected a time or two and it does burn but there is a way to handle it. Some women (not all) do have a hard time managing those emotions. However, some men, do not give women the courtesy of letting her know that her services are no longer required because she was always lackluster in the position.
          My recent post I get so lonely

        5. Neither do men!!! If I weren't such a nice lady, I'd take screen shots of these texts in my phone and put them on Epic Fail…or type them out for your enjoyment! LOL…smh…

          No one likes rejection…and some PEOPLE don't take it well at all!

        6. I agree, I think it takes a certain person to handle rejection. It's hard especially if you feel like this person is the one for you. But yes i have had some men who straight pursued me after i told them upfront that I wasn't into them and they felt like persistent can change my mind… No dude there has to be something there for me to change my mind. Plus I gotta be desperate. lol
          My recent post I get so lonely

  10. It's all strategy. The best way to limit heading into the friend zone is asserting yourself a certain way from the offset. Put it out there that you're not no brother type. Learn to flirt well so that you don't get placed in that box. It won't work all the time, but more times than not it will.

  11. "If you’ve done everything in your power to be the best you can be for this person and they still don’t want you, let it go."

    This. Just move on. Don't even bother with the friendship either, or if you do, keep your distance. If you see her more than twice a year (and that may be too much), you're torturing yourself.

    Often, it's not necessarily anything about yourself that you need to improve, but everyone isn't for everyone. If she's/he's just not into your type, accept that fact. There are plenty of women/men out there.

  12. Honestly, you might not even need to change anything. You might be perfect just the way you are. The person just isn't feeling you, its a simple as that. It sucks but such is life.

  13. This post was funny and there were some cold hard truths to it. However I would not go so far as to call people who friendzone you idiots. Thats childish and makes u sound like a bitter person who is drinking waaaaay too much haterade.
    We all have our preferences and for the most part know what we want, and/or at least what we don't want.
    Just like all the people we have and do want don't want us, there are people who want us and we don't want them and the beat goes on. This is just part of life's cyclical process.
    People need to realize that many times Not getting what we want is actually a blessing in disguise sometimes. Because what we want is not always what we need and whats best for us in the longrun. We can be our own worst enemies sometimes by wanting the wrong things and the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

  14. If people worked on wanting the right type of people more and trying to learn to like the people that do want us then there would be more successful and happy relationships and the world would be a happier place.
    Focus on the people who do like you and you will be much happier. Even if you do one day build yourself up like bad credit and go from a 4 to a 9 and get your "dream person," it may not be all it's cracked up to be.

  15. As I've said forever on here, there is no friend zone. The chick/dude just doesn't like you on that relationship tip. If they are stringing you along, they don't care about you and are not a true friend. If they respect you, they let you know that you're never gonna get it #envogue and they give you the opportunity to chose to accept that you'll only be friends or move along.

    1. This post has life changing advice. Like, I really wanna send this to the guy who cried via text message rant when I pretty much told him I am no longer a romantic option for him. As a matter of fact, he is the 3rd guy to prove to me that men cry not only in the dark, but via text as well, smh. I feel like a dude! I fully, FULLY understand why men don't want to be up-front with emotional chicks now. Instead of falling back, all 3 lashed out to either A) stop me from falling back or B) scold me for taking so long to come to a decision not to date him anymore (its only been 2 mos…its not my fault you chose to talk to one person at a time…we didn't talk all the time…only had one date…boy, bye). Unreal!!! 2013 is clearly rough on everyone! It would've been less of a headache to just disappear!!! SMH…

  16. As always, great comments all around.

    Bottomline, you do not have to settle for being where you are.

    Life is moving and everchanging….don't sit idly sit by being pissed off hurt and disappointed.

    MOVE YOUR ASS TO HAPPINESS!

  17. So my question, can you truly be friends with someone you friend zone?

    For instance, you have two people who have become physical and they hang out occasionally. She is into him more than he is and he let's her know he isn't interested, because he has too much on his plate. She takes notes and falls back, because essentially she knows she likes him. She cuts off the cookie and at that point they still hang out like they did before.

    Are they truly friends, or is he just waiting for her to fall into his trap or getting that booty?

    Second part,

    A woman meets a guy and they are talking for a bit and become physical in the process. Of dating for about 3 months, the woman identifies that this isn't going anywhere, so she stops sleeping with him and they stay strictly friendly. Can that guy ever be her friend?
    My recent post I get so lonely

    1. Case 1: They might be truly friends, but you don't truly know the other person's motives. For her, if he shows himself friendly, assume it's genuine. Any "traps" that she falls into would be her fault, because he said he isn't interested. All she has to do is say, "no booty for you!" when the trap reveals itself. Then she'll see how much of a friend he really is.

      Case 2: The guy could possibly be her friend, but it depends on the man and how he truly feels about her. It's his decision if he wants to be her friend or if he only wants a relationship. If he still has feelings and believes he is being "friend-zoned", that's his fault for not walking away.

  18. As long as you have the option to friend zone the person yourself, this really shouldn't be an issue. I've been placed there based off of something I said or did plenty of times, but sometime it was for the better. As I got older though, instead of getting zoned I get gone. That means no calling to complain about your other dudes or just trying to chill with me just because. I've got work to do…

    I have to agree…had I known then what I know now…about 15 years ago i would've been dangerous.

  19. I agree w/ DamnPops and Cyn up top.

    Strategy and your approach is what this comes down to. Any man that's really attracted to a woman in the sense of wanting something serious, he's not going to allow himself to be FZ'd. I've never been FZ'd. My current relationship we started out as friends, but I let her know that I'm not trying to be your friend or a category guy. We can build and ultimately see what happens. But if we're not working towards a relationship, us being platonic friends just isn't going to happen. At my 30s, I have enough female friends.

    And as Cyn said, there is no FZ. If a woman knows that you're not the guy for her, her action of being a friend is to cut you loose and stop wasting your time/efforts because she lacks viable relationships options right then. For women, if you want more and he doesn't, stop thinking you being so available to him will change his mind. The harsh truth is people ultimately wind up in the FZ because their egos won't allow them to just take the L that being a great catch doesn't mean you get what you want.

    My recent post #30in30 Day 14: The Best Reality Show For Men

    1. "The harsh truth is people ultimately wind up in the FZ because their egos won't allow them to just take the L that being a great catch doesn't mean you get what you want."

      YES YES YES!!!!

    2. "Any man that's really attracted to a woman in the sense of wanting something serious, he's not going to allow himself to be FZ'd. "

      Absolutely.

  20. The reason a lot of guys end up in the friendzone is because they actually believe what women say when they describe the kind of guy they want.

    Stuff like "I want a man who is caring, respectful, romantic, not a jerk, etc" is confusing because even if you ARE those things, you still might not have a chance.

    And the dude just wants the vaginer 9 times out of 10, so he becomes this "non-threatening, friendly, nice guy" because he's under the false impression that doing so will open up the legs.

    The problem is that women aren't being entirely forthcoming when they describe what they want in a man. They list these personality traits and qualities, but don't mention that they want those qualities from a man they are actually attracted to in the first place. And it's not readily apparent to the nice guy that she's not sexually attracted to him since she's giving him attention.

    And finally, this whole thing is a vortex– it really feels like a "zone" in that once you're in it, you can't get out. If she sees you as a friend, it's just gonna freak her out if one day you start flirting and touching her all sexually.

    So:

    1) his behavior is influenced by faulty info
    2) he's getting mixed signals due to the (friendly) attention
    3) he's stuck in a vortex

    The only way out of the friend zone is to pull a Gatsby– disappear from her life for some amount of time, and when you come back, be assertive and way more awesome than you were before. And this time, don't fall into the zone.

  21. I really want to meet these dudes in the "friend zone." I couldn't put a nxgga in the friend zone if my life depended on it. #nomalefriends Literally, I don't know nxggas that are cool with *real* friendship that aint leading to relations.

    Part of this disconnect is the way different people define the word "friend/friendship." Some folks who they are in the friend zone, are thinking just cause you text and hang out every so often with this girl, that means you're a "friend" and in the friend zone, and you deserve azz. If you ain't making any real sacrifices with regard to time and/or emotional investment etc., you really don't have room for all these grievances. #relax

  22. From reading the replies and experiences half the problem is women are really not totally honest. I've had women give me the I just want an honest, loyal, funny, good guy that doesn't cheat but don't specify they want it in either Trey Songz package or they want it from a player or goon who is incapable of giving them the qualities they look for in a man. I think friend zones are different depending on the man. When a man is in the friend zone he is basically not her type at all but nice enough to hang out with and talk but she isn't attracted to him. For a woman in the friend zone most of the time there is an attraction there but for some reason it can't go any further (kids, maturity, weight etc.). If everything worked out ok, there is always a good chance the woman can escape that zone.

  23. Cue "Twilight Zone" theme. Imagine a place where movie nights end with no massages or humping. A place where you spend myriads of time with a person, only to be introduced awkwardly as "my fr…." A place where you listen to the constant stories of how the "other guy/gal" isn't measuring up. You watch this from the side of a glass, a glass that is sound proof, a glass that epitomizes the window of life where you can see the view, but not smell the dew. You can pound a scream, wish and dream, but in the end, you realize that you've received a free pass on a never-ending ride. The ride is at the center of the world's greatest carnival, so get back in line, for you're always guaranteed to be first up….IN THE FRIEND ZONE! (cue theme)

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