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The Re-Appearing Ex

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ex girlfriend meme

Another reader looking for information and enlightenment. While I can get it started, we all know the truth will come out in the comments. Make sure to pitch in.

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Hello Single Black Male,

I seen an article about the recurring ex and this really pertains to me because I have one that keeps coming back. Just as some background: we attend different college (I’m 20, he’s 21), dated on and off for about a year and to put it simply we both already have baggage (parents and past relationships) and feel we just moved too fast into things. In our time together we both contributed to our split, I was just the one who finally decided it would be best for us to move on. However, my ex never seemed to quite hold up his end of “moving on”. I’m really not into dating because a lot of guys my age are trying to “live the college life” and not really looking for committed relationships. The fact that I still am very much in love with him makes it hard to keep saying no when he talks about still wanting to be with me. My reason for not jumping back in is I want to truly trust the person I am with to be faithful. I know we have been through a lot together regarding each others trust and it’s hard to think a relationship that has been broken into many pieces can really be fixed especially us being so young and him possibly not being as mature as I am when it comes to outlooks on relationships. My questions are why does a guy go through so much to get a girl back if his intentions may not be good? Is it possible for a guy who hasn’t been the most honest or committed person to change if he lost something he “claims” he really cared for but not much time has passed since then? Part of me says to just continue to leave it alone because I don’t want to open up again to be hurt but the other part doesn’t want to miss out on what we could have.

Sincerely,
Do exes ever get it together?

Initially, I wasn’t going to point out the age and cite “youth” as the root cause of the situation. I was going to simply address the core issue in words that everyone, regardless of age, could relate to. But … by the end of the email I realized you hold the insight to self-identify youth as a part of the problem, which made me change my opinion.

I will jump to the questions you truly asked. I will travel back in time to when SBM was barely able to drink and tell you what is going through your ex’s mind. You will be surprised how simple (yet completely illogical) the answers are.

“Why does a guy go through so much to get a girl back if his intentions may not be good?”

An easy one. The mind of horny, college aged 21-year-old SBM is all over the place. I know I want s_x, I know I want head, and … that’s about it. Talking to my ex may mean I want to get back, it may mean I just want company, and it may mean I just want s_x. 21-year-old SBM has done all the these things, and while current day SBM can’t justify those actions, he knows it made sense at the time.

Basically, it’s hard to tell. Men like women around them. Don’t expect anything from his actions, outside of the fact that he wants you right now, but who knows about tomorrow. His intentions aren’t bad or good, they are just unfocused.

Is it possible for a guy who hasn’t been the most honest or committed person to change if he lost something he ‘claims’ he really cared for but not much time has passed since then?”

Yes.

But … who knows. Anyone can change (especially at this age), but change is hard and it should be tested rather than accepted.

Yeah … that’s all I have to say on that.

I wish I had more to tell you, but ex’s are already hard to pin down. When they come back it may be for good, it may be for evil, or it may be because of boredom. It’s hard to tell, tread lightly.

SBM aka Too Far from 21 aka Retired and Enjoying the Golden Years

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Comment(2)

  1. I went through a similar situation while I was still in college, and I totally agree with SBM's response cause it's the honest truth.

    Girl…if he was a headache when you dated him before, he will still be a headache when you date him again. And at first, he may put up a front to try and show you he's changed, but after a while it'll wear off, and you'll realize that he's the same ol' dude from before with the same ol' ways you always hated.

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