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More Black Men Are Looking for Long Term Relationships Than Black Women

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Black men want relationships?

One of the most surprising findings of a new poll conducted on over 1,000 African-Americans shows that black single men were much more likely to say they’re looking for a long-term relationship than single black women. Professor Ivory Toldson, and regular parenting contributor, Dani Tucker weigh in on the poll’s results.

Transcript

MICHEL MARTIN, HOST:

We wanted to talk more about this new poll, so we decided to gather a roundtable of people who thought about or talked about or written about many of these issues. With us now, Ivory Toldson, he’s a Howard University professor of counseling psychology. He’s editor-in-chief of The Journal of Negro Education. You might also catch his articles in TheRoot.com. Also with us, Dani Tucker. She’s a fitness instructor and entrepreneur, and a regular contributor to our weekly parenting roundtables. Welcome to you both. Thank you both so much for joining us.

IVORY TOLDSON: Thank you.

DANI TUCKER: Thank you.

MARTIN: So you heard what jumped out at Matt Thompson. What jumped out at you, Dani? You both had a chance to read the poll.

TUCKER: What jumped out at me wasn’t the entertainment – I agree with that – but it was the men wanting to be more in a committed relationship than the women. And I do think that’s true and I think it’s sad.

MARTIN: Why do you think that is?

TUCKER: Well, because…

MARTIN: What’s your opinion about why that is?

TUCKER: The black community is known for its faith and its family, you know. And taking it back to some of the times when we talk about our parenting issues, you know how I feel about the big mamas and the big poppas in the house to help gear the family, and we’re losing that. And I think it is a lot because of the women are now so independent in the black community ’cause they’ve had to do so much on their own that, you know, it’s that “I don’t need a man” type mentality. And I just – I don’t like that.

MARTIN: Professor Toldson, I know you had some – you took some issue with the methodology. You felt, for example, there ought to have been more African-Americans involved in actually gathering the data. So, but that being said, what jumped out at you?

TOLDSON: Yeah, well, the same finding – and I looked at the word “looking for a long-term relationship.” I don’t believe that a lot of young black women and middle-aged black women would be inclined to say that they are looking, even if they would be open to the idea. Some people think that looking actually jinxes your chances. Some people think that looking makes you sound desperate, or some people think that looking makes you sound like your priorities are out of whack…

Check out the radio interview and full transcript at [NPR.com]

SBM family, do these poll results surprise you? Why do you think more black men than black women responded positively to being open to looking for a serious relationship/commitment?

Comment(37)

  1. I don’t know what to make of this poll/study, but I am going to roll with it as gospel, because I know it is a fascinating discussion.

    1. Didn’t WIM say that Men Are Always Looking For Serious Relationships.

    Giving credit where credit is due

    2. One of saying I have learned about black people & money is this.

    You have two types of Black Women. Ones who are middle class & ones who are struggling. But there are very few Oprah’s types.

    There are two types of black men, those who are balling (The Jay-Zs, the 250K Professional Black Man), and those who are struggling. But there are not alot of black men in the middle class financially.

    When I say middle class, I define it as like 50K – 150K. But I understand you have to adjust for Standard of Living prices in different cities. Doesn’t take away from the bigger point.

    Agree or disagree. I am trying to see somethin’.

    Now, I say all that to say, that women and general, despite the bullsh*t feminism & equality talk, are not trying to financially carry men in the way that men have historically financially carried women.

    Women will do it for awhile, but will ultimately resent the man for the role reversal.

    So, if men want a serious anything with women, they have to have their money/resources/land in order.

    And alot of black men do not have that privilege as we speak, but wish they had.

    3. Now, if this poll/study is true. It verifies all the things men in general have been saying about American (Black) Women.

    Which is

    – They are smutbuckets.

    American (Black) Women in 2013 don’t prioritize dating & relationship the way they should. And it bites them in the azz in the end.

    – They will focus on school & money.

    – They will have kids before they are ready or before a marriage license has been signed.

    – They will not keep their bodies in shape.

    – They get to see alot of different d*ck. If men knew about the modern (black) woman’s s*x lives in excruciating detail, most men would not walk down the aisle.

    Especially these professional (black) women.

    – And they have a narrow view on what makes an attractive black men.

    And the same women will white men a pass on those same attractive markers.

    I am not sure about other non-black/white men, because when BW date IR, they immediately go white.

    And then they will be complaining to all that will listen about what black men are not doing & perceived various shortcomings.

    —————

    So in conclusion, to me, it makes total sense why this poll/study to be highly plausible.

    Now, you have older/fat baby mama type black women who skew the narrative. They are a very loud group. And should be ignored & left to suffer.

    And alot of struggling black men suffer in silence.

    Good day

    1. As a tall, educated, well paid brother in a large city in love with my very own black goddess (finally) I can attest to the sentiments expressed by mr Adonis.

      This about sums up my thoughts…

      Thx

  2. I think the stat is true. But the way it's worded beguiles a more significant observation– that "looking for long term relationships" doesn't indicate the personal standards or behaviors of the seeker.

    So while a dude may be "ready to marry his Beyonce," he might just go smashing random chicks until he finds her. In extreme cases, it might appear that the guy isn't looking for a long term relationship at all, since he's just running through chicks in rapid succession. It may even be impossible to distinguish between a guy who is looking for his "The One", and a guy who is just looking for "The One Night Stand."

    Alternatively, there are people who say they want something, yet do nothing to get it. In that case, there's a very thin line here between what a person wants and what they are willing to do to get it. How many guys say they want a long term relationship, but shamelessly embrace the single life and do nothing to attract and maintain a long term partner?

    My opinion is that this statistic is sensationalist at best and misleading at worst.

  3. I agree with 12 Point Buck.

    I read/heard this story on NPR awhile back, and one of the things that struck out to me what that "long term relationship" isn't defined. If the study replaced, for example, LTR with "marriage" I believe the statistics would not only be flipped, but the statistic would even be higher for the women.

    This would also fall in line with another study I read about (sorry, I don't have a link to it) that says nearly 50 percent of men would move in with a girlfriend with no intention of ever marrying her, whereas only about 20 – 30 percent of woman feel the same about their boyfriend. In this study, I *think* the men were thinking "long term relationship" and were totally okay with that, whereas the women were thinking "no marriage, ever", and it was a turn off.

    I don't think this reflects badly on the samples used, only that it's surprisingly vague for to be a study with 1,000+ samples.

  4. “There must more good women than men percantage wise, so her chance of finding a husband just minimized” -Kanye West

    The polls speak for a sense of hopelessness on the sista front, the struggle to find a 6 foot, 6 figure ninja, who gon love her and her curves, and help her with all that emotional baggage, and put up with her convenient feminist ideals good man is apparently so real they’ve settled for f ck ninjas get money, word to Lil Kim. Men are typically optimistic that they can simply settle down when they want to, that quality women are as easy to find as free wifi (spoiler alert they really arent, especially when you establish what you want the pool gets real shallow, no pun).

  5. 1)I completely agree with what 12 points said up top.
    2)I think a lot of women said no their not looking for a LTR because when they say they are “looking “ or “open” people try to paint them as rushing for a ring or as some almost 30 women pulling her hair out searching for a man to marry before her biological clock stop ticking. It’s like as a women if your open or looking and don’t have a man he first thing people say is “what’s wrong with you” if you say you’re not looking the first things people do is try to find a reason why you’re not looking and make it an issue. Even in this article the first thing they brought up is women being “independent ‘as a reason they don’t want LTR.

    Personally I think a lot of men are open to LTR, it’s just that most don’t date like it. When some women wants an LTR she dates every guy like he could be “the one”. When a man wants an LTR he still does his thing, but when he meets a women with the right qualities that would make him settle down, he goes for it.

  6. I still have some more life to live before I can truly relate but this is a great topic. I want serious serious relationship' and I am also guilty of just casually dealing with women til I find it I suppose. I guess its a male philosophy , we want to settle with who we want to settle with and not be forced.

  7. 12 Point Buck: "Alternatively, there are people who say they want something, yet do nothing to get it."

    That pretty much sums it up. It's easy to say something in a poll, but men and women say they want something and their actions are to the contrary.

    1. "That pretty much sums it up. It's easy to say something in a poll, but men and women say they want something and their actions are to the contrary. "

      All the time. There wouldn’t even be a market for relationship experts if people did'nt say one thing but did another.

      I wonder is the only requirement to be apart of these polls is that you’re black and single? Do they look at the participants dating history, family history, employment background, etc…

  8. I agree with Toldson’s perspective. Most women who are open to and want LTRs would rather not look for a relationship…they want to be found. Christian women in particular are taught that a man should find his wife. So, I def question the results…and co-sign 12 Point Buck’s comment.

      1. Wanting to be found does not automatically equate to a woman being lazy. Works can include remaining presentable, attending events, being friendly…behavior that keeps her attractive and shows that she’s open. Apart from that, she can be afraid to approach men…not all men are completely open to that, meaning he won’t think the woman is too aggressive or too forward.

        1. Co sign, a lot of women who I speak to and are in committed relationship/married often say it was because they weren't looking. Not that they weren't dating, but they didn't expect every man they spoke to be their future husband. I do agree if you see a man you like and you feel a certain way, then tell them. But i do not agree that the woman should court a man. Call me old fashioned, but I am also the man cook and cleaner in a relationship as well. I meet him half way.
          My recent post The problem with women’s independence

  9. Again, i'm trying to stay out of other people's comments in order to keep my day running smoothly.

    I think that men are less likely to commit to a relationship unless they think it's going to last. I call this the "Full Court Shot" complex. Rather than take the easy free throws, they want it all hook line and sinker. Women on the other hand are more likely to just try something out. They don't want to be alone or they really desire companionship. This doesn't mean that most women are cool with being single, it just is more about what they're looking for in a mate.

    Honorable Mention: Women being open to shorter relationships and trying to seem "chill" because they think that's what men want and men will run from women who say they want long term relationships.

    When in reality that shit is not true.

    1. men will run from women who say they want long term relationships.

      Agreed. If a woman tells a man she wants an LTR, and he runs, all that tells me is they weren’t looking for the same thing. You won’t scare of *all men, you’ll only “scare off” men who aren’t looking for that type of relationship…with you. To me, that makes too much sense but maybe I’m a crazy person. Maybe women want men they like to waste their time even if they’re not looking for the same thing at the same time. I can’t call it.

  10. I agree with the premise that If we lined up our words and our actions, things would be a lot simpler. Too many people have hypocritical tendencies whether intentional or subconsciously. Too many of us want to be old-fashioned in this area, and modern in another. Conservative on this matter, but liberal in another. Rigid in our views of others, but want others to view us with flexibility. Hard to see where a poll is quantifying these elements.

  11. I'm more interested in seeing the rest of this poll. A study is one thing, polls are another. Not that I disagree with the findings–i think a lot more men than we'd like to believe, are open to and looking for LRTs but we're surrounded my messages, experiences, and observations that tell us otherwise. And I went ahead and looked at the transcript. I have issues with this statement (and statements like this one):

    "The black community is known for its faith and its family, you know…. And I think it is a lot because of the women are now so independent in the black community 'cause they've had to do so much on their own that, you know, it's that "I don't need a man" type mentality. And I just – I don't like that."

    Someone please explain to me what the definition of an independent woman is? What exactly is the issue with a woman who takes care of her responsibilities be they career, familial, money, etc? When women don't do these things we're blamed for raising broken families, we're called gold diggers, etc. Most responsible women I know, are open to relationships with men who are or have real potential to become great partners (be it a LRT BF or husband). If Ive spent time and energy building a good life for myself, I'm tryna have someone around who can make it great. As a friend of mine said: "I love my girls, but ya'll can't rub my booty at night." Mature women who are labeled too independent may not say it but many of us live for the day when we can curl up naked (physically and emotionally) with a man and just f–n be.

    1. I concur, and this is why I'm not actively seeking a LTR. Too many mixed messages are out there. I hate to see our women who want to be modern in every other aspect of their lives except when it comes to relationships. They go into old-fashioned southern Baptist mode and judge men based on gender roles from 50yrs ago, but will call chauvinism, and patriarchy if a man even suggest that a lady know how to cook. Too much hypocrisy for my taste, I realize this is not ALL of our women, but like any radical ideal in modern society, it tends to be the loudest voice in the room.

    2. @BTheGem616

      Someone please explain to me what the definition of an independent woman is?

      What exactly is the issue with a woman who takes care of her responsibilities be they career, familial, money, etc?

      You mean the independent black woman?

      The definition of Independent means:

      “Free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority”

      “not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood)”

      So, the stance of an independent woman is problematic based on the definition.

      And black women recently (50 years & running) through word & deed, have told black men, that they are expendable & are not required outside of a sperm donor.

      When women don’t do these things we’re blamed for raising broken families, we’re called gold diggers, etc.

      False dichotomy. Black men do not have jurisdiction or authority over black women as a collective. And black women fight tooth & nail to maintain this freedom.

      So, when women have these children out of wedlock, but then turn around and complain about what black men are not doing.

      The Internet Black male collective (because the Internet is the only place where men have a real voice.) remind you about the poor choice you made in becoming a dusty single mom.

      As far as the gold-digging argument.

      Black women are the WORST gold-diggers. That is a BS argument perpetuated by us broke men. That is another topic.

      Most responsible women I know, are open to relationships with men who are or have real potential to become great partners (be it a LRT BF or husband).

      You mean after you are 30+ and been ran through by a whole bunch of different negroes.

      If Ive spent time and energy building a good life for myself, I’m tryna have someone around who can make it great. As a friend of mine said: “I love my girls, but ya’ll can’t rub my booty at night.” Mature women who are labeled too independent may not say it but many of us live for the day when we can curl up naked (physically and emotionally) with a man and just f–n be.

      Put very simply @BTheGem616, mature women are not as valuable s*xually as the women in their 20s, but their standards are sky high. That is the problem.

      The quality men will check for you in your early middle twenties & they get worse over time, because your beauty fades.

      And so mature women have to come to terms with their S*xual mating value, and deal with the men who are checking for them.

      That is it.

      Good day. @BTheGem616

  12. Thank goodness for the Internet and the fact that we can be as honest and faceless as possible, because if I had to receive these thruths face to face from a man, I would suffer a nervous breakdown. Glad for the knowledge cause this is as raw (and uncomfortable) as it gets!

  13. It’s challenging being a single mom…No matter what I do, I’ll never be a man. Ever. I can show Jett how to be a thinker, how to enjoy music or how to feel, and to conquer. But I cannot show him how to be a man.”

    Jill Scott, Ebony Magazine, May 2013

    …..smdh

        1. Well the father was there and had been throughout the pregnancy, I believe they were engaged. But we can’t put all the blame on the dad.

        2. @Payne Well

          That is why you sign the marriage license before you procreate.

          Also, picking a man that is all in for you & the child.

          But if you are killing yourself to be with men that are “meh” about you, Jill Scott is the norm.

        3. Marriage still doesn't guarantee a two parent home. I think the increasing divorce rate solidifies that idea. I do not believe he was "meh" about her, but i do believe there was more going than what meets the eye. I know some men are desperate to claim that women are the downfall of the male generation, but I probably can agree that he was just as culpable to a procreating a child prior to signing the marriage documents.
          My recent post Blurred Lines

        4. @PayneWell

          I think you ran with what I wrote instead of taking it for face value.

          I didn’t ask for the marriage to last forever. I said at least sign the license before kids come into play. There is no other way to know if a man is truly interested for the long haul.

          Any woman who argue me down about this. Wants to f*cks the guys THEY like, regardless of how he feels about her, and that is why alot women get tripped up. That has very little to do with men.

          Remember men are not complaining about marriage. Women & the media are.

          ——————-

          I do agree in Jill’s case, there are behind the scenes stuff we were not privy to, but don’t tell Jill could not find a man to marry her before the child came, she is a beautiful woman with money. Again, women love dating questionable guys & then complain later when they get burned.

          ——————

          I don’t specifically blame women for the downfall of the male generation.

          But if you are raising the boys alone & then are coming out dysfunctional, and then you reward men for poor behavior by giving them s*x without getting money or a ring, and you are the one complaining, I am going to look at you, not him.

          He’s cool with the arrangement.

  14. @ Adonis when you say “That is why you sign the marriage license before you procreate.” You are basically saying she would be better off being married and he left versus them not being married and he left. At the end of the day what is marriage truly? Everyone doesn’t view marriage in the same biblical sense as others. I do not think she was complaining about being a single mother, as I remember the article, she was stating a fact. Women can’t raise a boy to be a man, just like a man can’t raise a girl to be a woman. What lacks in those relationships, isn’t the fact that women want to f**k who ever they want to and that’s why ” get tripped up. ” It’s the fact that people do not take responsibility and they do not want to take accountability(Men and Women).

    In any situation regarding Jill’s part I believe it’s a 50/50 thing. I am not going to place all blame on a woman or a man. I blame her for doing it, and I blame him for not having the desire to raise a seed of his to it’s full potential.

    1. @Payne Well

      You are purposely being obtuse right now.

      WHEN YOU SIGN A MARRIAGE LICENSE, ESP AS A MAN. YOU ARE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.

      So, yes, he can abandon you, but legally he will be on the hook financially, and you have recourse.

      And you have more of a case, and you can never be at a place where you were just some h*e getting knocked up by some man.

      Also, if you choose the right man, he would have decent finances & at least willing to go into a marriage with you. That shows the right intent.

      @Payne Well I get spreading the blame & accountability around.

      But women do it, not to hold the right people accountable, that is a tactic so we can’t focus exclusively on your actions.

      If women pick better man, I don’t care what color he is, you will improve your life by leaps and bounds

      Cut the sh*t.

  15. Cosign 12 Pts and others who say that words and actions don't line up (that and I would actually go to this place where men are openly saying *even in front of thier friends* that they are looking for LTRs). Two also agree with the vagueness of what LTR means and I can understand why women would be opposed to it. No woman wants to just be in LTR if it isn't marriage : that'd be waste of time.

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