Home Featured The “Stay Here” Theory: A Lesson in What Men DON’T Say

The “Stay Here” Theory: A Lesson in What Men DON’T Say

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I come today speaking on a common issue that men deal with: the women whom men want to “know their place.” These are the women who don’t want to play that part or don’t know that a guy placed them in that role.  I know this is a touchy and brash sort of topic. I’m very much ready to explain all that I am about to say. In the non Platonic world, men have two types of women in mind: women they don’t mind dating  and women who they only want to have sex with. The truth is that in the latter case that’s all they want to be to that woman. Like many dating/sexual scenarios, it’s just never that simple. There are always confounding variables that can make things a little more confusing. Deception runs rampant between men and women. We try to be as verbally pleasing as possible, cushioning each other’s emotions for our own peace of mind. I don’t necessarily think this is the right way to go but many of us have been guilty of it.

It pays to be clear on the kind of relationship you have with someone. The main reason why guys get upset with women who end up wanting more than what they want is because that woman isn’t fully aware of his intentions. I had a friend in college who was aware of a girl I was dealing with.  He knew that to me it really wasn’t anything serious. Here and there this girl wanted to really kick it on campus and I just wasn’t with it. I didn’t want to give off the vibe that I was interested in more than what we were already doing. I wasn’t mean about it. That’s just not what I wanted to do.

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I’m not in the business of leading women on. I never have been and I never will be.  He affectionately named this girl “stay here” insinuating that all I needed her to do was simply stay where she was and only come around when called upon. Now this was hilarious to me but in reality it’s pretty cold right? As harsh as it sounded, his nickname illustrated my feelings completely. It became clear to me that maybe I wasn’t clear on what this arrangement was.

In my defense, I was a hell of a lot younger but it taught me a lesson for the future: that women are as responsible for putting their foot down as men are. When she’s not clear about what’s going on, she needs to find out. Asking questions never hurts. You have to try and sense the sincerity of the responses. Like I usually say, listen to what a person isn’t saying. To be a “stay here” kind of woman and not know it is probably one of the worst things ever. Being anything when you don’t want to be is the worst thing ever to be honest. Don’t be taken advantage of, but if you both want the same things then get down with the get down. If that isn’t the case, then it’s “we have to talk” text time.  The key is assertiveness. Assertiveness elicits respect, and at the end of the day that’s really what it’s all about. The more we keep it 100, the happier we will all be.

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Ladies, have you been in a “stay here” situation with a guy? How about the fellas with the ladies? Have you been a “stay here” dude, or the one making the request? I’m all eyes, let’s talk about it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM. His bio: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) http://viralstatus.com/category/kahlilhaywood/ 

Comment(36)

  1. Everything that was said needed to be said. I would take it a bit farther and highlight those men who do lead women on to get what they want. In your situation, you were obviously better than that but often times I see guys using leads to get the "stay here" to come (no pun intended). That's when intelligence comes in. Although we can't read minds, it's up to women to make sure his actions align with his words. I find it fairly obvious when a man wants to date and when he just wants to "chill." The scripts really don't change. No shade, but men are pretty simple with their requests. It really just takes shutting your desires down long enough to pay attention to what he's actually saying.

  2. I'm always accused of leading women on and selling them a dream. My only defense is I do what most people are afraid to do. I"ll actually find a chick I'm digging, date/court her for about a month or two then let her know I'm not looking to date anyone else just you. Exclusivity is set and we go through the phases of getting to know each other. She opens up her world to me and I do the same. Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't. I just believe that "dating" will get you nowhere. Its like I'm hanging wit ya representative, that's wakk to me. I have no problem granting a chick the "girlfriend" title. My goal is to get to know a chick before I decide to take it to a possible wife status. I'm 33.99999 (Aug 20th BDAY shout out to meeee! #Leos) the clock is ticking. I'm in no real rush but dammit we getting close to crunch time. IS my approach wrong? I constantly hear people say slow down or date for a 6-7 months then wife her…NEH! If thats the case I can "date" 3-4 women at a time and be good with that forever. I don't think I'll ever really get to see the real person that way. Plus that's too much damn work and money..lol I always wondered if my approach was off though.

      1. The results are flawed to degree because it's somewhat insensitive to the chick. The women usually end up hating me and feeling like they wasted their time. Its not a good feeling for either parties involved.

    1. "the clock is ticking"

      Nah, the clock isn't ticking for you. It's barely moving. You have approximately 34 more years to find a wife. Don't let the social pressure get to you, my dude.

    2. Maybe just taking the exclusivity part out will help. Y'all both still get to date around until you are more sure. No time wasted.

      Its a risk you may lose out but… *shrugs* …that's the game.

        1. Why just on paper??? LOL

          Why should you be able to hold people on pause while you decide???? Mr. Selfish Dude, LOL… *teasing*

    3. i personally dobt see anything wrong with that … im not into dating 3/4 guys at once … if i was talking to a a few at a time but 1 really stands out, the others get deaded … its a risk on my behalf and i know that but i am loyal in that aspect because why play around with it?? not saying im hoping he could be "the one" but im not out to hurt feelings, crush egos, or none of that … especially when the ones i dropped werent competition (imo) in the first place … idk … ur approach seems ok … as long as youre not promising FOREVER and all that … exclusivity is what i desire and i agree with it … maybe you should say "were gonna see where this goes" or let the woman know up front "im not making any promises" BUT you also have to go on to say how much you dig her, and want to get to know her, and that she is the only one youve decided to invest time in … just my thoughts??

  3. This reminds me of a certain experience that happened at Post. I hate how the relationship turned out in the end, but if I would have known his intention I believe the outcome would have been different. Neither one of us either clearly defined the relationship or asked of the direction. This piece really hit home…

  4. My issue has always been ‘m sweet to everyone whether its someone im dating or just someone whose company i enjoy. I would later learn that does more harm than good, apparently being the blunt a**hole is easier to swallow (no pun) than just being a genuinely nice guy who just so happens to not want you. I make my intentions clear and even had stay heres call my bluff as they just knew deep down there was something more between us, or at least they wanted it to be.

    On the other side, i’ve been the stay here dude, and again its all good until her feelings start to show. Casual relations just arent for me i guess. Shrug life.

  5. Honestly men are not the only ones leading people on. So I wont get into a rant about how men sucks. We all have lead people on in some form or another.

    But I will say… especially pertaining to that last paragraph that some women will be VERY clear about what they expect from a man but he will still lie and deceive her just to fulfill whatever it is he is looking to fulfill. It's starts to be the woman's fault when she realizes what's going on and doesnt do anything about it.
    My recent post What’s Wrong With Online Dating?

  6. I totally agree with everything you said. I think that most women know if they are in the "stay here" position but are afraid to actually define what she already knows to be the truth for fear of losing the guy because she wants more. I also think that there is a problem on both parts because people do not communicate. Everyone is so quick to just "go with the flow" for the sake of being with or holding on to someone, that when the "real" comes out, someone…mostly women are upset because they are now all caught up in their feelings. Ladies, if you want more than what he is offering or "not saying" Speak Up! If he's not with it, move on! Stop wasting your time on unavailable men and for God's sake, don't be that "Stay Here" Chick!
    My recent post No Example…

  7. I've been that "stay here" chick several times. Knew it every time because it's pretty obvious, to me at least. Warned all of them I didn't have experience in that role, so no one was surprised when I didn't stay in my lane, as they say. When the feelings weren't reciprocated, I ended things. Then I met a nice guy and that's all history. But those guys still come out of the woodwork every few months, just to "check in".

  8. Definitely. I was the stay here girl unwillingly AND willingly only with my ex. At first I didn’t know my role. But I did ask. And he was even confused about whether he wanted to try again or enjoy his freedom. I then flat out asked again. He either had really made up his mind or was tired of me asking and I helped to make the decision. But he broke it down to me that he is indeed enjoying the ho– freedom. And that he doesn’t want to rekindle anything. Not now anyway. Basically im supposed to be the Tahiry. Let him do him for however long and still be down once he comes back and is ready to settle down. I used to entertain that thought in my head but now im like im all the way good. I mean I know love stories aren’t equivalent to fairytales but what kind of story would that be to tell the grandkids. Talk about dumb and embarrassing. But through all that, we’re cordial and cool but there will never be a part 2. He’s happily single and im happily mingling.

  9. I've got some questions:

    1. is stay here chick/dude the nicer way of describing the jump off? Not being sarcastic..i really wanna know what you think the differences are.

    2. what qualities, to you, make a woman a "stay here" chick?

    3. I agree 100% about being clear about what your intentions are. It's refreshing to hear a man say this (especially dudes over 30!). I wonder though, let's say you've made your intentions clear with the woman: you just want sex. But for whatever reason, she doesn't seem to get it or want to accept it (which is always why tensions arise). Do you keep sleeping with her? Or do you stop and severe ties in order to avoid drama?

    I've been the "stay here" chick (as youve described it) and i've been in other role. As the one telling the dude to "stay here", though..i felt horrible continuing to have relations when he was clearly looking for something more. So i completely cut him off. I feel like if I were boy *beyonce voice*, I woulda kept smashing just because i can. I took it upon myself to avoid the headache (his and mine) and avoid falling into a situation I (and he) wouldn't be happy with in the end. I often wonder if men are capable of doing the same? Maybe there would be a lot less heart broken hearts??

    1. Well I guess you can say jumpoff but it's got such a negative connotation lol. There's no certain qualities a stay here chick has , it's up to the dude and what he wants. And in regards to ending things before they get messy that's also at your discretion. I know that I'll dabble till it got interesting but I have my own tolerance. You know?

  10. ha ha! yea, but a spade is a spade.

    I should've phrased #2 differently: when you meet a woman (or maybe you've known her), what in your mind, places her in the "stay here" bucket versus say, the "want to get to know" bucket?

    "I know that I'll dabble till it got interesting but I have my own tolerance. You know?"
    I can't say I know completely lol Just from my perspective, I felt like i was being selfish and greedy. Then when I tried to ignore my feelings and do it again, I felt like i was dirty lol. The sex was cool..but I couldn't bring myself to keep having sex with someone just to have sex and knowing full and well that dude was looking for a long term type of thing. May be it's too much/too deep to discuss for a post like this..but do values come into any of this?

    1. Values can always get involved. It depends on who you are as a person.

      In terms of what makes someone a stay here person, it's case sensitive. For me it might mean I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone but I'm attracted to them. Maybe a guy is messing with a shorty that isn't the cutest but she fed his ego long enough. Its a whole myriad of scenarios . no real clear cut answer

  11. Dave Chappelle's "Love Contract" is sounding really viable right about now! Let's just put all demands, expectations, wishes, etc. in a legal binding document, and if you agree sign. Dating has just become way too extra!

  12. Great article. You were able to address the seriousness of the issue while still keeping the comedic value (at least in my eyes; I laughed). College was a long time ago and as exciting as those “situations” were it’s time we hold ourselves accountable for our actions. Lying and manipulation are no longer options or at least they shouldn’t be. Honesty has always been and will always be the beat policy. All around awesome read, I couldn’t agree more.

  13. Not to be cocky but I have NEVER been the "stay here" woman because I define what I am in a relationship. That's why it is CRUCIAL to take your time when dating before getting sexually or too emotionally involved. You need to know what it is you're looking for and whether that person you are dating is on the same page. If not, then please keep it moving. In reality, men are actually always honest, even when it is not with their words, it is always clear with their actions. You know what he thinks of you based on what he does. It is up to you as a woman to decide whether this is the role you want to play. Some of us are so "into" a man that we make excuses about giving a grown-a** man time to grow and figure out what he wants. Stupid, he will do that on his own time, not with you as his plaything pawn. C'mon ladies, stop trying to be that ride or die chick thinking YOU'RE mother Mary here to change his ways. Please. You already know what he's about. If he was serious, he would lock it down and be all over you like white on rice. But he's chillin and you know that you're just his occasional fling. You've accepted that so don't get mad. Just "stay here" and wait till he summons you for your services….lol good read.

  14. First time EVER and I DON't LIKE IT! I guess I really should have understood his "not wanting to get involved" talk and I'm hurt but it's really all my fault. The more time we spent together, the more I liked him, the more people thought we were "together' and the more "in love" I became. NEVER, EVER, EVERRRR AGAIN! NEVER

  15. I think that if men communicate with women with the open-hearted, candor and care they apply in communicating their daughters a lot of communication issues between the sexes would cease. If I can't just flat out communicate with you without having to figure you out–I'm probably doing too much. Its growing more and more weary with men literally cutting the ENTIRE dating phase out of the whole equation because it costs too much money, wastes "time" (not sure whats the rush) etc.

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