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Husbands…and The Friendzone


black man whispers to laughing woman

*Let’s get this out the way now.  There is a subset of married men who thinks it’s possible for them to be friendzoned.  Where this thinking comes from?  I have no idea.  By it’s very essence, the concept is almost impossible.  And yet, some men hold this particular pseudo-truth to be self-evident.*

No doubt you’re saying to yourself, “Husbands? Friendzone? Does not compute!”

 Well, in a way, it does.  Before we become husbands,we are first men.  And as men can attest, we all can get friendzoned.  The zone has no respect of person, nationality, ethnicity, or relationship status.  So yes, husbands can get friendzoned, much the same way any other man does.

It happens because he spends an inordinate amount of time trying to woo a woman, only to have his advances misdirected, or played off.  The woman that’s the object of his lust desire will accept all the benefits of having someone so “in to her”, yet won’t reciprocate the attention or affection.  She’ll tell him he’s a good friend, she doesn’t know what she’d do without him, etc.  And he’ll eat it up, figuring he has a chance with her.  All to no avail.

What’s funny is that the type of woman he wants as his “friend”, *usually* isn’t the kind of woman who will succumb to such tomfoolery.  She’ll see through the b.s. that he’s heaping onto her plate, and will only let him get so far before she puts the brakes on.  When she feels like enough is enough, she’ll ask questions such as “how would your wife feel if she knew what you were doing?”, or say something like “if you weren’t married…[insert general platitude here], but you are.”

See Also:  The Re-Appearing Ex

For the average man, if he for some reason had a moment of stupidity, this would be enough to get him to give up, hopefully.  But no.  Not for the husband trying to climb out of the friendzone.  The more effort he puts in, the more he gets away from seeing the error of his ways

The problems with this situation are simple to point out.  1) Ol’ boy is MARRIED!!!  2) His wife probably has no idea what her husband is up to.  3) He is married.  And (some) men wonder why women don’t trust us.

A man who puts forth the amount of effort necessary to effectively court a woman that’s not his wife is a man who is neglecting his home.  He’s a man who is looking at the other lawns in the neighborhood, while his is browning more and more each day.  It’s not that he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing; it’s just that he doesn’t see it being wrong enough for him to stop his pursuits.  His ego and pride drive him on, when the love and respect for his wife should give him pause.  Yet, he continues on anyway seeking that elusive reciprocation that could be his downfall.

See Also:  When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Relationship Edition

From time to time, the married man will find a woman who’ll reciprocate his advances and give him exactly what he’s looking for though.  The attention that he’s showered onto her will wear her down and she’ll succumb to his advances.  When this happens, one would think that the balance of power has shifted in this situation.


If anything, the power stayed where it always was; with the woman.  Now that she’s given in, he may think “I got her”.  In reality, she has him.  When he should’ve been giving his wife the attention that this other woman was getting, his home front was unprotected.  Who he was courting has turned from someone who must be pursued, to someone who must be kept away.  The woman who eventually fell for another’s husband now has him over a barrel, so to speak.

Whereas his crimes before amounted to wrong, now they’re multiplied by his infidelity, and he has nobody to blame but himself.  His constant attention, affection, and effort to get out of the friendzone has placed him in an even more precarious place.  One that will make him wish he never entered it in the first place.

Have you seen married men who entered into the FZ with a woman?  How’d it turn out?  Did his wife ever find out?


  1. I guess I've never consider married men being in the friend zone but people cheat and that is a fact. I have actually FZ'ed several married men. But these men have been in their marriages for quite some time and is ready to try something new. Im not for it and I would hope and pray to God that my future hubs wouldn't taint our marriage by seeking out some floozy.

    My recent post What Men Desire In A Wife

  2. Yes I have a guy who is engaged actively pursuing me. He texts me at 2am saying he is off of work and wants to come see me. He's trying to plan dates, he tells me he has love for me, etc etc etc. At first it was kinda different to see someone go so hard in the paint. However, I also let him know that he is engaged, this doesn't even make sense. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I have stopped speaking with him, responding to texts, un-friended him on facebook. What's worse is that he is a friend of a friend so every time there is a function, I have to see him. He tries to make me feel bad because I am so blunt with him, which makes me think dang i'm being a B**** word, but honestly at this point, its warranted.
    My recent post A real woman knows a real man always comes first

  3. I have literally never heard of this concept before.

    "No doubt you’re saying to yourself, “Husbands? Friendzone? Does not compute!”"

    Yes that is exactly what I am thinking. The friendzone is something a person is put in against their will. Not something they pursue. So this post kind of doesn't make sense to me. The married men aren't trying to pursue the friendzone hoping for more. They are just trying to cheat….period.

    1. lol well a married man that wants’ to cheat but the object of his affection keeps playing him to the side is kind of in the friend zone. I know a few older women who have never sleep with the married man that's trying to (get in their panties), but he'll do things like give her money (not just $20 either) , talk to them all night, hang out with them etc… Basically he want' to get with her but she's not with it but won't let go of the nice treatment.

      But I feel you this is just a nice way to describe a certain situation that falls under the umbrella of cheating.

  4. Good post. I’ve never thought about a cheating husband in the “friend zone” type of way. I actually though this was going to go in the direction of a husband feeling like his wife put him in the friend zone (no affection). Anyway I think there are two types of married men in the friend zone. The ones who can and do break through and the one’s who get close to breaking through but get stopped and come to their senses.

    IDK how many of you have seen “Soul Food” the series, but the middle sisters husband who owned the trucking company had a new secretary. The more they worked tighter the closer they became. Long story short he almost cheated on his wife but they both stopped themselves.

  5. Smilez I used to watch the Soul Food series faithfully, (even Sans Boris) *smile*. I remember all of those episodes, including that one. What I really want to know is when is Single Ladies on VH1 coming back on the air. Lawd Hav Mercy I miss that eye-candy.
    I've definitely had married and involved men try to get with me and they all get told kick rocks straight to the friendzone and do not pass go!
    I concur with larnelw. When your married, Everybody you meet, and work with of the opposite sex should be defaulted to the friendzone automatically because that is all you should ever be. If your anything beyond that, your a certified cheater.

    1. Yup. This is reason #357 why I don't want to get married right now. The very women I'm drawn too will be the same ones who instantly freindzone married men.

      Plus, it seems like if a guy wants to play the field, he'd be single. The way I see it, why even get married if you're gonna step out on her? Thats just asking for drama to enter your life. lol

  6. I have seen this happen too often and I have to admit I gave in to a marrried mans advances once. His wife didn’t find out, however they did split a few years later. He and I are still friends (if u can call it that). In the platonic way, nothing extra.

  7. This article is actually very interesting to read. My husband had a female who friend zoned him after finding out he was married. He is a persistent man and like the article reads, he kept pursuing her until he wore her down. Finally she broke and became a side chick. Meanwhile, I had no clue but definitely felt his absence and sensed something was wrong. Funny change of things, his lack of presence and desire for me made me friend zone him. We had compassion for each other but stopped having an intimate relationship. And after finding out about his cheating, I no longer desired him intimately. We are now in the lengthy process of divorce. Why must men have their cake and eat it too?


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