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I Thought I Only Wanted a Physical Relationship

21

Beauty

I read your letter three times. Upon the third reading, something caught my attention that might explain some of the confusion. Based on the timelines you provided, you have been dealing with this guy for almost two years. If I’m correct, then it’s really no wonder why a semi-consistent “relationship” which includes s*x might eventually lead to some emotional attachment. This is a natural progression for most women. However, you made a number of errors along the way that contributed to the less than desirable situation you now find yourself in.

1. You say you only wanted a physical relationship, which you admit you never communicated to the man, and when your feelings changed about wanting something more than a physical relationship, you never communicated that to him either. Unlike some, I’m all for the casual pseudo-relationships if all parties are of adult age, clearly communicate, and most importantly, they can handle it. Based on your letter, you might have met one of these requirements (I’m assuming you’re over 17). But, you failed to clearly communicate the expectations for the relationship – with him or yourself – and over time, you ultimately couldn’t handle the situation you contributed to getting yourself into.

2. You can’t (reasonably) get upset with someone whom you are not in a committed relationship with for exploring other options. As best I can tell, you and this guy were never together. Now in fairness, based on your letter, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to win an award for The Most Maturest Man in the World anytime soon. Possibly fake-telling you he has a girlfriend to get a reaction out of you is immature; pursuing you whether he had a real or fake girlfriend is immature; and getting with your friend was immature on his part. However, since he was never your man, he is, quite frankly, free to do whatever the hell he wants – as were you, but you didn’t elaborate on whether he was the only guy you dated during this period.

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On the flip side, regardless of age, pretending to be someone you’re not to find out information is immature. It’s also not worth it. Dragging your friends and his friends into your web of immatureness is just exponentially more immature. Further, everyone who agreed to participate in this ruse is part of the concentric-circles of immaturity radiating outwards from your interaction with this man. Put simply, this was a shit-storm of immaturity.

You can’t control everyone else, but you can control yourself. It’s immature. You know it. I know it. He knows it. Everyone knows it. So stop doing it.

My advice:

In summary, in approximately 20-months, you had a non-committed, on-again, off-again predominately s*xually based relationship – I’m assuming good s*x since you keep messing with each other – with a guy who was never your boyfriend. This same man felt it was ok to try to sleep with one of your semi-close friends, and now his semi-close friend is trying to date and/or sleep with you. With this in mind, it sounds like you all need to leave each other alone. This answer seems obvious, but given that you wrote in to us, it must not be crystal clear to you, so I’ll expand on a few reasons why this particular relationship is likely doomed from the start…

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1. Your non-relationship started based on s*x and despite the passage of 20-months, still appears to be based on this very basic shared interest. You never seriously committed, and at this point, it seems like you have both wronged each other to a point where pursuing anything beyond the physical would be pointless and plagued by additional chaos. I’m no Albert Einstein, but my theory of relationship relativity is: A relationship founded in chaos will remain chaotic, unless acted upon by an outside force.

2. As a continuation of the previous point, this man tried to (and might have successfully) slept with your friend. Now his friend is trying to sleep with you. No good can come from pursing any of these avenues. If you all have shared friends, I understand if you can’t completely break things off, especially with the fluidity of social media and relationships these days. Regardless, you should not pursue a relationship with him or his friend because nothing but prolonged chaos will ensue. If that’s what you want, fine. Just know what you’re getting yourself into.

3. Lastly, you need to take some time for personal reflection. What do you want from a relationship? What do you not want from a relationship? What type of specific, non-negotiable and negotiable qualities do you want in a man you want to be in a relationship with? Do you even really want a relationship?

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Honestly, these are questions people struggle with their entire lives, but I promise the sooner you figure these things out for yourself, the easier your life will be. I would hope/think you would expect more from a man and/or relationship than: 1) a man would try to sleep with you and your friend; or 2) date the friend of this man who is likely sneaking behind his “friends” back to talk to you.

Overall, it sounds like you’ll have to charge this experience to the game. Use it as a lesson learned, and move forward while trying to do better the next time around. I don’t see much that can or should be salvaged from this particular “relationship.”

At this time, I’ll turn it over to the comment section.

What are your thoughts SBM family? What should this reader have done differently? What should she do next?

2

Beauty

I read your letter three times. Upon the third reading, something caught my attention that might explain some of the confusion. Based on the timelines you provided, you have been dealing with this guy for almost two years. If I’m correct, then it’s really no wonder why a semi-consistent “relationship” which includes s*x might eventually lead to some emotional attachment. This is a natural progression for most women. However, you made a number of errors along the way that contributed to the less than desirable situation you now find yourself in.

1. You say you only wanted a physical relationship, which you admit you never communicated to the man, and when your feelings changed about wanting something more than a physical relationship, you never communicated that to him either. Unlike some, I’m all for the casual pseudo-relationships if all parties are of adult age, clearly communicate, and most importantly, they can handle it. Based on your letter, you might have met one of these requirements (I’m assuming you’re over 17). But, you failed to clearly communicate the expectations for the relationship – with him or yourself – and over time, you ultimately couldn’t handle the situation you contributed to getting yourself into.

2. You can’t (reasonably) get upset with someone whom you are not in a committed relationship with for exploring other options. As best I can tell, you and this guy were never together. Now in fairness, based on your letter, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to win an award for The Most Maturest Man in the World anytime soon. Possibly fake-telling you he has a girlfriend to get a reaction out of you is immature; pursuing you whether he had a real or fake girlfriend is immature; and getting with your friend was immature on his part. However, since he was never your man, he is, quite frankly, free to do whatever the hell he wants – as were you, but you didn’t elaborate on whether he was the only guy you dated during this period.

See Also:  Six Thoughtful Gestures To Make His/Her Valentine’s Day

On the flip side, regardless of age, pretending to be someone you’re not to find out information is immature. It’s also not worth it. Dragging your friends and his friends into your web of immatureness is just exponentially more immature. Further, everyone who agreed to participate in this ruse is part of the concentric-circles of immaturity radiating outwards from your interaction with this man. Put simply, this was a shit-storm of immaturity.

You can’t control everyone else, but you can control yourself. It’s immature. You know it. I know it. He knows it. Everyone knows it. So stop doing it.

My advice:

In summary, in approximately 20-months, you had a non-committed, on-again, off-again predominately s*xually based relationship – I’m assuming good s*x since you keep messing with each other – with a guy who was never your boyfriend. This same man felt it was ok to try to sleep with one of your semi-close friends, and now his semi-close friend is trying to date and/or sleep with you. With this in mind, it sounds like you all need to leave each other alone. This answer seems obvious, but given that you wrote in to us, it must not be crystal clear to you, so I’ll expand on a few reasons why this particular relationship is likely doomed from the start…

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1. Your non-relationship started based on s*x and despite the passage of 20-months, still appears to be based on this very basic shared interest. You never seriously committed, and at this point, it seems like you have both wronged each other to a point where pursuing anything beyond the physical would be pointless and plagued by additional chaos. I’m no Albert Einstein, but my theory of relationship relativity is: A relationship founded in chaos will remain chaotic, unless acted upon by an outside force.

2. As a continuation of the previous point, this man tried to (and might have successfully) slept with your friend. Now his friend is trying to sleep with you. No good can come from pursing any of these avenues. If you all have shared friends, I understand if you can’t completely break things off, especially with the fluidity of social media and relationships these days. Regardless, you should not pursue a relationship with him or his friend because nothing but prolonged chaos will ensue. If that’s what you want, fine. Just know what you’re getting yourself into.

3. Lastly, you need to take some time for personal reflection. What do you want from a relationship? What do you not want from a relationship? What type of specific, non-negotiable and negotiable qualities do you want in a man you want to be in a relationship with? Do you even really want a relationship?

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Honestly, these are questions people struggle with their entire lives, but I promise the sooner you figure these things out for yourself, the easier your life will be. I would hope/think you would expect more from a man and/or relationship than: 1) a man would try to sleep with you and your friend; or 2) date the friend of this man who is likely sneaking behind his “friends” back to talk to you.

Overall, it sounds like you’ll have to charge this experience to the game. Use it as a lesson learned, and move forward while trying to do better the next time around. I don’t see much that can or should be salvaged from this particular “relationship.”

At this time, I’ll turn it over to the comment section.

What are your thoughts SBM family? What should this reader have done differently? What should she do next?

Comment(21)

  1. I didn't read WIMs response, so this could be repetitive—–>Please don't have children. Just don't. Until you look at this letter & cringe, you should just tie your tubes. And don't talk to any of those people you mentioned anymore. No one you mentioned sounded remotely friendly towards you. So just move on from all of that.

    My recent post Proverbs 31: A Life Worth Living?

  2. First PARAGRAPH BREAKS! Sweet mother of gawd!

    I couldn't read all that, but the sum up is that man doesn't want you.

    1. To be fair to the writer, the email came across unformatted, so I had no idea where or where not to put paragraphs. The original email was simply a continuous string of text. I can’t honestly say that she formatted all her paragraphs correctly, but I figured I’d give her the benefit of the doubt (I also try to edit reader submissions as little as possible).

  3. I became a little dizzy reading this one!

    "Put simply, this is a shit-storm of immaturity"

    That about sums it up! I really hope she isn't over 25.

    Communicate what you want in the future, get better "friends", and dont involve other "friends" in your mess. Good luck, God speed!

  4. My sister you constantly kept getting yourself played. Whether the johnson was good or not you should have cut him off completely as soon as he was hollering at your home girl. You must be a serious glutton for mental punishment. You should have established everything from jump. You allowed yourself to be physically used and now you feel like crap. Anyway, I wish you well and hopefully you won't allow yourself to be compromised again.
    My recent post Saving Black Love: 8 Ways To A Better Us…Not You…US!

  5. The on again-off again aspect of this letter is not what seemed childish. I've definitely dealt with guys long past their expiration date in my life, and I was older than 19/20 because I wasn't dating until I was 20. What made this scenario seem childish was:

    1.) The part about having your friend pretend to be your other friend to get information out of him. (Side note: How did this occur? Did she have the same number? Do guys fall for this when the numbers don't even match?)

    2.) The fact that there was any confusion about how to solve this ridiculous situation.

    3.) The fact that this "friend" that slept with a guy she was messing with was still referred to as a friend by the end of the letter. (Side note: I have stopped talking to people who've messed with my FRIENDS' guys, so if a friend tried to mess with MY guy, it would be a real problem. I am not a fighter, but I have it in me.)

  6. To be honest with everyone it doesn't matter whether she was 16, 18, 21, 25, or 30. I think people are wrong for trying to sum it up that way too. Look here, I have women as old as 34/35 going through the same problems. Better responses would be to address the issue, not the age.

    1. I disagree. Age is more than a number, no Aaliyah. But, ill assume you think I was joking when I said a woman (or man) over the age of 30 dealing with these particular issues should seek professional help. I was not. As a whole, I’m not sure why people, especially black people, are so against seekin professional help when we often need it the most. I don’t know if that makes me callous, but after a certain age, I expect people to take a certain level of personal responsibility. Therefore, they also need to take action to remediate those problems, even if that means through psychology, mentorship, or some other means. To me, that’s part of being an adult.

      1. Couldn’t have said it better! That letter is an epitome of immaturity in caps! With age comes experience and experience maturity. I am all up for professional help, it helps. It patched me up after an abusive relationship.

  7. Yea the level of immature thought processes and actions is apparent here. Honestly tho, i think this dude lost respect for you the first night, and it wasn't just because of the chex. Even though you stated you wanted a physical "relationship" with him, you made it seem more like a one night stand. Since you proceeded to kick him out and not communicate intentions even after 2 weeks, Im sure he placed you in the "chex only, gets no respect from me" catagory. You did kind of disrespect him, but thats just my opinion, which is why I think he did everything he did to you.

    As far as every other situation in this….eh…you got that crazy gene and you might wana check that.

  8. …..

    …….

    WUT. O__o

    I have no words, except she needs to scrub her entire circle of friends/acquaintances and start over.

  9. How does one even have the mental/emotional/physical energy and time to be in relationships/friendships like this? I was exhausted reading it all.

    The moment you get tired of all that ish is the moment you've made a step towards maturity.

  10. I'm sorry, but this was so absurd it was hilarious. There is no way this could be real. I cannot imagine this being a legitimate experience someone has had, because it is so drenched in all the 'nesses and 'idities, it just defies plausibility. Wow.

    There are no words for this level of _________. Its difficult to imagine a person being this naive, gullible and gluttonous for punishment.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com
    "Smart Men Rock"
    My recent post Saving Black Love: 8 Ways To A Better Us…Not You…US!

  11. All I can say is wow. (BIG) If this is a real situation, she has more to figure out than just what to do. She needs to analyze what got her in this jacked up position in the first place.

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