A SBM reader asks for advice on the following situation (submit your own questions here):
I’d gotten involved with a guy back in December of 2011 when I had just gotten out of a relationship. I had decided that he and I would share a “physical” relationship, but, I never made that clear. I guess he got the hint when I slept with him on the first night and never tried to contact him afterwards. He stayed the night the first night we met and I told him that he had to be gone by 7 in the morning. Once his alarm went off, he got up, got dressed, then tried to get back into bed with me. I told him he had to leave. Two weeks went by without any contact when he finally text me and asked when we would have another sleep over. I told him I would have to think about it. I finally ended up texting him after another two week period telling him to come over. He responded saying that he had a girlfriend. I text him back with a smiley face and told him okay and tried to leave it at that, but he ended up responding again saying “you’re a cool girl, but I really like this girl and I don’t want to mess things up.” I told him he was fine and sent another smiley face. He text me AGAIN after another two weeks had passed and asked to come over and I told him when he didn’t have a girlfriend. He said he didn’t have one anymore which gave me the feeling that he never had one to begin with.
I still didn’t let him come over, though. For the next three months, he would text me asking to come over and I would always tell him no or give him the runaround. One night in April, I text him, while drunk, and told him that I wanted to see him. He drove 15 minutes to a different city to come get me from a friend’s house to take me back to his place to stay the night. On the way there, I started acting EXTREMELY immature. I threatened to beat him up and once we got to his place, we had s*x, then I made him so mad that he took me all the way home at 5 a.m. He deleted me off of Facebook the next morning and didn’t talk to me for two months. Then he text me out of nowhere saying he wanted to see me, but I couldn’t cause I was leaving to Vegas the next morning.
He told me that he would drop me off at the airport cause he had to be up early for work the next morning anyway. I told him no. A few days after I had gotten back from my trip, we hooked up and he just got up and left afterwards. He text me the next day asking if he had left his wallet at my apartment. I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks when I had found out that he was talking to my friend trying to hook up with her. I told him that we couldn’t fool around anymore and that he shouldn’t try contacting me ever again. He went around telling everyone that he missed me and would constantly text me saying how sorry he was. I forgave him and we hooked up again in January of 2013. We hooked up again that very next month, but this time was different. He stayed afterwards for a few hours and we talked about our lives, our favorite colors, our likes and dislikes then he got up to get me food. I started to get feelings for him.
I saw that he was calling other girls beautiful on Facebook so I deleted him to try and erase the thought of trying to get into a relationship with him. I added him again a month later and we ended up hooking up again. We hadn’t talked for about three months when I got a gut feeling that he was talking to my friend again. I decided to ask her if she had talked to him and she COMPLETELY avoided the question. I told her that I knew she had and then I cut off contact with her for week. She text me saying she would never do anything like that to hurt me, but, I still had that gut feeling. Last month, after a night of drinking, my friends called him from their phones pretending to be the girl who I thought was talking to him and he basically admitted that she had given him head. He thought he was actually talking to her, so, he was trying to get over to her house to have s*x all the while bashing me and saying that I was bossy and that I was mean to him.
My friend finally told him that it wasn’t who he thought he was talking to, it was me and she hung up on him. His friend called back and asked to speak to me and I told him that I wanted nothing to do with either of them and I wished them the best of luck then hung up. He text me and told me I was childish. I didn’t respond. He text me again saying my friend spit after oral. Still, I didn’t respond. He text me yet again saying that she was about a thousand times prettier and cooler than me too. Still didn’t respond. The friend who tried talking to me that night on his behalf after everything went down has been texting me telling me that he thinks I’m so beautiful and all he wants is a chance. I don’t even want to entertain that. I just want to know your thoughts on the whole situation because you ALWAYS have the best answers.
I’m sorry it’s SO long :/ I do appreciate your time.
You’ve got a lot going on here, and I sympathize with your situation(s). I think many readers might chalk this letter up to: 1) you being crazy; or 2) trolling/Catfish-ing us. However, based on what I saw in your letter, I’m going to assume you’re young but you are legitimately trying to figure life out. What you’ve described – and excuse me if I am mistaken – sounds like the relationship trials and tribulations of someone in their late teens or early 20s. With this context in mind, your letter and the situations therein aren’t that unbelievable. I hope I’m correct in this assumption, because if you’re over the age of 30, please disregard everything after this sentence and seek professional help; otherwise click here to read my response.
I read your letter three times. Upon the third reading, something caught my attention that might explain some of the confusion. Based on the timelines you provided, you have been dealing with this guy for almost two years. If I’m correct, then it’s really no wonder why a semi-consistent “relationship” which includes s*x might eventually lead to some emotional attachment. This is a natural progression
for most women. However, you made a number of errors along the way that contributed to the less than desirable situation you now find yourself in.
1. You say you only wanted a physical relationship, which you admit you never communicated to the man, and when your feelings changed about wanting something more than a physical relationship, you never communicated that to him either. Unlike some, I’m all for the casual pseudo-relationships if all parties are of adult age, clearly communicate, and most importantly, they can handle it. Based on your letter, you might have met one of these requirements (I’m assuming you’re over 17). But, you failed to clearly communicate the expectations for the relationship – with him or yourself – and over time, you ultimately couldn’t handle the situation you contributed to getting yourself into.
2. You can’t (reasonably) get upset with someone whom you are not in a committed relationship with for exploring other options. As best I can tell, you and this guy were never together. Now in fairness, based on your letter, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to win an award for The Most Maturest Man in the World anytime soon. Possibly fake-telling you he has a girlfriend to get a reaction out of you is immature; pursuing you whether he had a real or fake girlfriend is immature; and getting with your friend was immature on his part. However, since he was never your man, he is, quite frankly, free to do whatever the hell he wants – as were you, but you didn’t elaborate on whether he was the only guy you dated during this period.
On the flip side, regardless of age, pretending to be someone you’re not to find out information is immature. It’s also not worth it. Dragging your friends and his friends into your web of immatureness is just exponentially more immature. Further, everyone who agreed to participate in this ruse is part of the concentric-circles of immaturity radiating outwards from your interaction with this man. Put simply, this was a shit-storm of immaturity.
You can’t control everyone else, but you can control yourself. It’s immature. You know it. I know it. He knows it. Everyone knows it. So stop doing it.
In summary, in approximately 20-months, you had a non-committed, on-again, off-again predominately s*xually based relationship – I’m assuming good s*x since you keep messing with each other – with a guy who was never your boyfriend. This same man felt it was ok to try to sleep with one of your semi-close friends, and now his semi-close friend is trying to date and/or sleep with you. With this in mind, it sounds like you all need to leave each other alone. This answer seems obvious, but given that you wrote in to us, it must not be crystal clear to you, so I’ll expand on a few reasons why this particular relationship is likely doomed from the start…
1. Your non-relationship started based on s*x and despite the passage of 20-months, still appears to be based on this very basic shared interest. You never seriously committed, and at this point, it seems like you have both wronged each other to a point where pursuing anything beyond the physical would be pointless and plagued by additional chaos. I’m no Albert Einstein, but my theory of relationship relativity is: A relationship founded in chaos will remain chaotic, unless acted upon by an outside force.
2. As a continuation of the previous point, this man tried to (and might have successfully) slept with your friend. Now his friend is trying to sleep with you. No good can come from pursing any of these avenues. If you all have shared friends, I understand if you can’t completely break things off, especially with the fluidity of social media and relationships these days. Regardless, you should not pursue a relationship with him or his friend because nothing but prolonged chaos will ensue. If that’s what you want, fine. Just know what you’re getting yourself into.
3. Lastly, you need to take some time for personal reflection. What do you want from a relationship? What do you not want from a relationship? What type of specific, non-negotiable and negotiable qualities do you want in a man you want to be in a relationship with? Do you even really want a relationship?
Honestly, these are questions people struggle with their entire lives, but I promise the sooner you figure these things out for yourself, the easier your life will be. I would hope/think you would expect more from a man and/or relationship than: 1) a man would try to sleep with you and your friend; or 2) date the friend of this man who is likely sneaking behind his “friends” back to talk to you.
Overall, it sounds like you’ll have to charge this experience to the game. Use it as a lesson learned, and move forward while trying to do better the next time around. I don’t see much that can or should be salvaged from this particular “relationship.”
At this time, I’ll turn it over to the comment section.
What are your thoughts SBM family? What should this reader have done differently? What should she do next?