Home Dating & Relationships Dating Problem Solved: Just Date Your Friends

Problem Solved: Just Date Your Friends

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Take a look at your circle of friends. I’m sure you have people of the opposite sex mixed in there, which is expected. Now, when I say friend, I mean actual friend. Not someone who you mess with from time to time, but a genuine platonic friend. These are the people who you call when you’re having a craptastic day. They’re the people you know you can count on, and they are the ones who you voluntarily spend your free time with. If you need to do a quick drive by to diffuse a problematic situation, one call is made and they are on the way; Those kinds of friends.

Now, let’s get back to the fact that some of those friends are of the opposite sex. Men and women are naturally attracted to each other from a chemical standpoint. Men enjoy being around women, and women enjoy being around men, usually. I know sometimes I’d rather go get dinner and drinks with my boys rather than have an uppity ladies night. Sometimes I just don’t feel like dealing with the estrogen downpour that comes along with women, and I’m not afraid to say it.

So, I was thinking, as much as men and women equally complain about not being able to find the one or some variation of it, why is it so taboo to consider your friendship pool for a potential mate? How many times have you been asked why you don’t just date #Charles or #Charlene since you are such good friends. The response? “Aw, nah, we are just friends, I don’t even look at him/her like that.” Some people have strict policies on keeping their platonic friendships platonic which is cool, but don’t people always say they want to marry their best friend?  I think it would be easier to marry someone who actually was your  friend instead of trying to develop a friendship with someone who you like because you’re supposed to.

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Let me explain. One of the hardest parts of dating is getting to know someone. Sure, you’ve met someone who’s easy on the eyes, but now you have to get to know their entire being. That takes a LOT of work and patience.  You have to worry if you are getting to know the true person or their representative. The process can be taxing. A potential solution to this would be looking more into your circle of friends. These are the people you voluntarily spend your time with because you genuinely like them. Odds are you know most things about them, you have already built a bond, and there is some type of chemistry. In some cases, you might not be attracted to your friend and that’s okay. However, there are times when we are attracted to our friends, but we are afraid of pursuing something more in fear of ruining the friendship.

I was in a situation before where I had developed a friendship with someone over two years or so. After so much time of phone conversations, Skype and g-chatting, we became pretty close. To me, it was apparent that we had the potential for something more. But, he never made a move, and until one day when I felt bold enough, neither did I. Once I spoke up, we  eventually made the decision to date and see where it could go. The only obstacle between us was that we lived in different states. We looked at what we had as a friendship with an added bonus. We already knew each other, and all of the awkwardness wasn’t apart of what we had. Even though things ended up not working out, can I say that I regret taking things to another level? Not exactly. I wish they had gone a different direction, but I appreciate the experience.

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There is always a risk when you gamble with love and emotion, but we all know that the greater the risk, the greater the reward. I think the qualities that we seek in our friendships should align closely with the qualities we seek in a mate. In my opinion, it all fits together. If we have gone as far as calling someone a friend, what is it that keeps us from considering that person for something more? Do I think everybody I consider my friend is dateable? No, I do not. Equally, I am not saying that everybody should try and get with their friends either, because that would be a mess. I just think what some people are so desperate to find is right in front of their face, yet since it’s considered taboo, people aren’t with it.

Luckily, I have had the opportunity to develop some pretty amazing friendships. Because of this, I have high expectations when it comes to dating men in general. My motto is, “You have to treat me at least as good as my guy friends, or we won’t work out.” To take it a step further, if your male friends treat you like Queens and give you the utmost respect, anybody you give your heart to should be required to treat you the same, if not better. Friends are a perfect place to start when looking for your potential boo, so don’t be opposed to the idea. You never know.

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For more of Keita and her tactful opinion follow her on twitter @keitathejedi or at www.keitawheats.com

Comment(32)

  1. Dating your friends is cheating. That's like easy mode. And you are artificially limiting your pool of available poon. It should come as no surprise that most guys get laid this way– hookups via social circles. But its like riding training wheels. If you want a seriously righteous smash, you score one of those chicks that arent anywhere near your social circle.

    See, you want a challenge because you'll feel a greater sense of accomplishment after dominating stranger vajay.

  2. I think in long term relationships, Friendship is the best way to go. We are so quick to run through relationships, that we do not genuinely take the time to get to know someone's true self and whether they are in alignment with our goals, moral code, and everything else, that makes us who we are. You just have to treat those thing with kid gloves because once you start messing with friends, it can go quite awry.
    My recent post What is right to you, might be true

  3. When I was in college years ago, a cook at my cafeteria told me this, and it never left me

    “Any man & woman can get along laying down, but if you can get along standing up, you marry her.”

    Now, we all know that the first half of the quote is true, but not always, because you s*xual chemistry is not always a given.

    But I can rock with the idea that you can have a LTR with your female friends, but I feel like, if I & her were poppin’ like that, why are we friends in the first place?

    But it happens.

    But I don’t have dating issues. I have lazy introvert issues.

    So this doesn’t apply to me.

    And then, looking at our female counterparts, you have women who are religiously traditional, magical & fairy tale about their love lives.

    They have their romantic plan on how they are gonna meet their husband like they are starring “The Notebook” by Nicolas Sparks. (“Love & Basketball” is for black chicks)

    And attraction is KING, & a dealbreaker if it is not present.

    So, the last thing they would consider, is dating a long-time friend. It just doesn’t compute.

    Good Day

    1. Actually, if you're accusing all women of basing their real-life dating strategies on romantic comedies, then dating their best friend is the FIRST thing they should try.

      "When Harry Met Sally"
      "Some Kind of Wonderful"
      "Love & Basketball"
      "Secret Admirer"
      "Juno"
      "Brown Sugar"

      I could go on and on. I'm not a big proponent of dating friends, but I am initially suspicious of dating a guy with a female bff of many years. They even tackled this on an episode of "Mindy", and SHE's obsessed with rom coms.

  4. Thank you! So glad people are at least putting the ideas out there. Before my wife and I started dating we were friends for years. It got to the point where we were literally talking daily for hours on end and i decided to say screw it and go in and things worked out. Of course you will have your basic relationship troubles but you're starting from an easier and good place.
    My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

  5. A friend of a friend works too. They have the same qualities of a friend with a level of separation removed just in case things go badly. Easily able to get to know someone if they have a similarity of a friend. You just have to remove the friend from your interactions with the date so they don't have to pick a side if something comes up lol.

  6. i wouldn't date a friend. been there, done that. when things go bad it has the ability to make it uncomfortable for all your other friends. plus i'd rather not ruin a friendship (a true friendship) for the potential of a relationship. if it doesn't work out its hard going back to being just friends.
    My recent post Marriage for All…

    1. Mad, just because it didn't work out with that person doesn't necessarily mean it wouldn't work out with another. Everyone is a different and unique individual.
      Thats like saying because you got a bad batch of KFC at a specific location you will never ever eat from another KFC again. Obviously every KFC is not bad, probably just that particular one is. But you could go to another location and it be the best KFC ever. To each his/her own, but ijs. Honestly whether a relationship is ruined or not depends on the maturity level of the 2 people in it. Two mature, adult people should be more than capable of handling things maturely and remaining friends no matter what happens.

      1. not saying it couldn't work out under different situations but i'm not willing to risk any of my current friendships. there are more than enough single women out in the streets that i can date w/o dating any of my friends.

        "Two mature, adult people should be more than capable of handling things maturely and remaining friends no matter what happens."

        because once sex and emotions get involved things all that maturity and level headedness just shines thru. lets be honest with ourselves.
        My recent post Marriage for All…

        1. Yeah I have to co-sign with you bro. Relationships can come and go, but friendships are a lifetime. The risk is to great if things don't work out. I would rather just be friends and have that female wingwoman or someone to bounce ideas off of.

  7. Keita Wheats this all sounds wonderful "in theory" and makes sense.
    However, as the flawed, mentally and emotionally screwed up human beings that we are, this just won't work with most people. Reason, because we are flawed, many peoples thinking is completely backwards and if something is "too much like right" they will be the last person to do it, and lastly, there are too many superficial and shallow people. Many times a person of the opposite sex ends up being "just a friend" because, there is no physical attraction, and/or there is no "chemistry" and "sparks" and all the other stuff people feel like they need to have an everlasting love.

  8. I envy people who were just friends and looked up one day and "happened" to be feeling each other It's great when that works out. . If my female friends were MY dating pool, I'd be f**ed. And not in the way that I like. I know their flaws and quirks that would not fly for me in a relationship context (and they know mine). Also, there are risks when trying to crossover. Someone I admire said that expectations are the mother of resentments. In relationships, we have expectations that we don't hold friends to. Those unmet expectations can do so much damage. And often we don't even know we have them. I think that may be what people refer to when they say they don't want to "ruin the friendship". When a stranger doesn't meet your expecations, you can go your separate ways with little to no blowback because, hey, they were strangers. In my experience, going back to friendship afterwards is the exception rather than the rule.

    1. "In relationships, we have expectations that we don't hold friends to. Those unmet expectations can do so much damage. And often we don't even know we have them."

      …until it's too late. Then, you realize y'all are not compatible at all!

      This right here…is the truth and nothing but the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Furious hit the nail right on the head! The friendship is fabulous cause y'all aren't in a relationship, lol. Friendships and relationships do not have the same requirements. I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing the difference between the two to see if you're compatible. But, I think just jumping into a relationship on the grounds of "we've been bffs for a decade" is dangerous (not that the writer was saying to jump right in).

    This sounds ideal but, if I dated all my male friends, then, I'd have no male friends! LOL. Now, in all honestly, most of my males friends are my male friends cause 1. I'm not attracted to them or vice versa, 2. I know we aren't compatible, 3. we can't date (in relas when we met, married to a friend, etc.).

    1. i'm sorry if i'm out in right field with this.

      "2. I know we aren't compatible,"

      is there a difference between being compatible, in a relationship sense (outside of the s*x), and being compatible in a friendship sense? i mean if a guy is your guy…and he's been there when you've needed him…and vice versa…wouldn't that be an ideal friendship?
      and if so, wouldn't that be a base for a great relationship?

      sorry if i'm approaching this naively.

      1. Let me give a personal story here to help, lol.

        I have a male bff. We are great friends…I trust him as a friend. I've known him since I was 12, we dated as teens, and I know he cares about me. He's there when I need him. We laugh, talk about any and everything…we're great friends. He's honest with me…cause he has no reason to lie. Sounds good, right?

        Well, he's also emotionally charged when he's mad (strike 1). He's a heavy drinker and a smoker (strike 2). He's a habitual cheater (strike 3). He's got a great job…but has lived in his Mom's basement since his divorce…5/6 years ago. And, I'm outta strikes, lol…so I'll stop there, lol.

        Like Furious said, the expectations for the role of Friend and Mate are two different things. So, yes…there is a difference.

        1. You broke it down so that it can "consistently and forever be broke!!" I have nothing more to say.

  10. I'm a firm believer that establishing a friendship first is a great way for a relationship to blossom organically into whatever it is going to become. But the friendship has to be sincere and genuine. Not the disingenuous friendships where one person PRETENDS to be okay with friendship, all while secretly laying in wait with ulterior motives. Seriously getting to know the person without any expectations is a great way to build a potential relationship without even knowing it.

    When folks date for the purpose of finding a mate, there tends to be plenty of misrepresentation, half truths, secrets, facades and straight up dishonesty about a myriad of different things taking place. The fear of turning the other person off is the concern, and maintaining their interest in you is the objective (if you are interested in them). But when there are no relationship expectations, and simply being a human being to one another as friends do, the guard is dropped, then you're more than likely going to get to know the real person, and not their representative.
    I would imagine it would be better to build a relationship with the person you got to know, and not the representative they want you to believe they are.

    Mr. SoBo
    SmartMenRock.com

    My recent post Saving Black Love: 8 Ways To A Better Us…Not You…US!

  11. You also have to consider that what may attract us as friends may not necessarily work in a male/female relationship [which includes sex, expectations, insecurities, etc] that may often lead to marriage. I'm not saying it won't work…I'm just saying, it is something to consider.

    For example, we may admire that 'free-spiritedness' in our good friend of the opposite sex. That same free-spiritedness may get on your last nerve in a male/female relationship….or it may not. It just depends.

    I think we are friends for a reason and that is cool…I also think there are those small few times when the friend is the exception that can also be THE ONE for us.

  12. I have never had male friends (in the true sense of the word). If you're relatively attractive, no guy just wants to be your friend. He may want more and play his position until you feel the same, but he is not just your friend even if you treat him as such.
    My recent post Christianity and the Black Church

  13. You are so cool! I don’t suppose I have read through something
    like this before. So nice to discover someone with genuine
    thoughts on this topic. Seriously.. thanks for starting this up.

    This site is one thing that is needed on the web, someone with some originality!

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