Home Featured Where Are All The Good Men Hiding At?

Where Are All The Good Men Hiding At?

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There are a few things that really upset me. It’s assumptions that women make about men. They are blanket assumptions that are complete double standards because men never do the same to women. These assumptions typically show their ugly face in a conversation and good men tend to write off those women as hopeless, scorned or damaged. The assumptions always start with, “Well, you’re a man” or they end with “because you’re a man.” And each time you hear it, men cringe. Especially if you’re nothing like the type of man she’s describing.

The other day I figured out what happens to good men. I get asked all the time where are the good men and I struggle with an answer because I’ll think to myself, “I know a lot of good men, but where are they at?” I tell most women, “Good men are everywhere but the problem is people only notice the loudest people in the room.” I don’t always mean in volume either. Loud can be the person talking the loudest or the person who tries to control every conversation. Loud can also be the one who spends the most money, wears the flashiest outfits, or generally does everything in his power to keep the spotlight on him.

Then the next thing I will say about good men and why women can’t find them is that as soon as a woman says something that comes across as hopeless, scorned or damaged, most good men stop talking and hide. They may not leave the room but you better believe they’ll do everything in their power to make sure that you can’t find them. That’s the problem with those assumptions, when you make an assumption that’s wrong it always backfires.

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Statements like:

“All men cheat.”

All men do not cheat. There’s a ton of men out there who will never allow themselves to be in a relationship with someone they feel they may cheat on. The presumption is what really begins to weigh heavily on a good man. It’s almost like he has to live the life of a convicted felon. A woman is suspecting that he may do something based on his past, unfortunately there’s nothing in this man’s past to suggest that’s what he would do.

“Men will sleep with anything.”

This is perhaps the most dangerous assumption affecting relationships in the entire world. It’s simply not true. I pride myself in not sleeping with just anything. I know plenty of good men who think the same way as I do, “I could, but I mean would it really be worth it?” As you get older you learn that not every woman needs to be slept with and that you can avoid a lot of distraction and drama by thinking things through before going that route. Again, the presumption lets a good man know how you view men.

“Men want women to submit to them.”

I’m sure there are some men who want a woman to “submit” to them, but I’ve talked about this before and I’ll say it again; men don’t want some deaf mute woman who will go in the kitchen and never be heard from again. They want a partner, but they want a partner who has the ability to allow them to lead or at least bear the responsibility of the lead even if it’s more of a partnership. To this point, not all men want women to submit, some are perfectly happy to have their women lead. And on the other side, some men see things as a partnership but know that they bear the responsibility of the lead.

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“Men don’t like strong women, they want a weak woman who isn’t going to challenge them.”

Good men do not like super submissive women. They are not good women and good men aren’t attracted to bad women. They may be tricked or deceived into dating one, but that’s not something he seeks. It’s also disrespectful to accuse someone of being unable to handle a strong woman. Most good men don’t have problems with strong women because they are very strong in their own right. It’s just an assumption that leads to nowhere nice.

Just to even it out I’ll tell you something that pushes good men away too.

“A man should love me for me and not try and change me.”

If you claim to be a good woman and you ever say this aloud, every good man you know will disappear. He will run and hide because there is just so much wrong with this statement. First, a man cannot and should not change you, but you should want to always be bettering yourself. No one says this statement about any of the good characteristics, it’s always about the flaws or not so attractive characteristics that they have. This statement also almost always removes you from the ability to be considered a good woman because it’s typically a dead giveaway that you’re complacent or you just don’t think there’s anything that you need to work on. Whatever the case may be, in a crowded room when those words are stated, it’s over for you.

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I guess what I’m trying to say is that good men are all around you but they’re hiding in the same room as you. You may consider yourself a good to great woman, you may even consider yourself a bad girl. I just think that most times when women say they can’t find a good man, it’s indicative of the fact that they’ve already shown the good men in the room that the women in that same room aren’t worth their time. I guess my point with this post is to make sure you aren’t missing out on your blessing because you don’t know when to hold back or switch up your perspective.

– Dr. J

Comment(111)

  1. My new favorite song

    I know this is not one of your best posts Doc, but I know this has to be in the top 15 of just overall greatness. I think I have been reading your ish for a while now.

    Topic, perspective, well-written, smooth. This post has all of that.

    To add some perspective, Mr. Spradley’s fictional Mafia Movie post on the psychology of men was on a similar level. Although I think his was for a deep audience.

    This post was pretty much for the “semi-frustrated but still with us on earth” kind of woman.

    Let’s get into it.

    —————————————

    1. Any woman that has to ask “Where are all the good men?” Is usually (and I say usually) a black woman with tons of baggage (attitude, kids by multiple dudes, etc.) looking to saved.

    Because good men DOMINATE our society. Good men are the majority of men. They are just not the most ATTRACTIVE of men to WOMEN when it counts.

    Most men do not want to mistreat women. (Lying, cheating, beating, raping, etc.)

    Women find those dysfunctional dudes attractive though, especially among black women.

    One bad dude can uniquely do alot of damage.

    One bad dude can easily knock up 100 women in his vicinity within a small period. Now multiply him by 10,000.

    And a few criminals in your area can terrorize a city of mostly good people.

    And dysfunctional black men get most of the media attention.

    But that is why good men run, & run fast when women talk that “Where are the good men at?” crap.

    Ladies, we are not apart of your Tyler Perry fantasy.

    I am not gonna be that light-skin dude who is going to save you from all your poor choices, when you are 40 and washed up. We are not going to live happily ever after. I’ll still give you that d*ck tho.

    2. I gotta get into these myths that women project on men. I don’t care where they got them from. To me, they are women who are low-key telling on themselves.

    “All men cheat.”

    Any woman that believes that, either like dudes who are on that tip, or is a scandalous woman herself.

    “Men will sleep with anything.”

    When it comes to women, I am very liberal when it comes to beauty. If you got money, I don’t mind your looks too much.

    I digress.

    Women who are are monogamous (meaning that when they find a dude they really like in bed, they will not sleep with no other dude) believe that their dating strategy is the most superior dating strategy above all.

    And the masculine s*xual imperative is in conflict with the above mention feminine s*xual imperative.

    Honorable Mention: Those women could just have straight up paynus envy.

    “Men want women to submit to them.”

    “Men don’t like strong women, they want a weak woman who isn’t going to challenge them.”

    When have you ever heard a non-black woman say that publicly?

    There might be shade when it comes from White Women when speaking of Asian Women taking all their men.

    But mostly, this is a black woman coming from a single mother home, feminist contrived phenomenon.

    This is basically a black woman’s way of saying “I wanna run the relationship. And when the relationship fails, I will blame you, the black man, for it”

    Which any black man that is going places in life, will run for the got [email protected] hills. And rightfully so.

    I hope the young black women coming up in the next generation ain’t on THAT bullsh*t. Word to White Jesus

    “A man should love me for me and not try and change me.”

    Beyoncé, a perfectionist in everything she does, has been singing one message to black women, while doing the exact opposite.

    A particular song “Flaws & All” goes into the b*llshit.

    A woman also posted this on my IG timeline.

    “It takes a strong man, to handle a broken woman.”

    Basically, good black man, you need to accept

    my f**ked up attitude,

    my gang of kids,

    my traction alopecia,

    my hoodrat crackhead tendencies, my fake feminist leanings with a smile. Word to Heatwave, Always & Forever.

    It is a fantasy, 97% of washed up women will never aspire to. Black men are not having that as a collective. Especially the “good” ones.

    ——–

    In conclusion, I tell women, especially the ones who share my complexion.

    “Get your money, get some REAL independence, & date the men you really wanna date.

    Stop that whole “Good Man” charade, because your dating history doesn’t reflect that.

    Own your choices, stop bashing black men because you want black men you LIKE (STFU about LOYALTY) to take you seriously.”

    Another lively thread today.

    ————————————–

    P.S. Chances are I am going to marry a sister, at the end of the day, and a damn good one. What that means is, that once this become realized, I will bash black women even harder.

    Because now, “I have a black wife” excuse in my back pocket.

    “Mad at the world because I couldn’t get paid”

    “Don’t Take It Personal”

    – Max B

    1. You sir do not sound like a good man. You sound like a damaged one with an unhealthy view regarding women and relationships.

      "P.S. Chances are I am going to marry a sister, at the end of the day, and a damn good one. What that means is, that once this become realized, I will bash black women even harder.

      Because now, "I have a black wife" excuse in my back pocket."

      Doubtful that you will be able to attract and keep a good woman, thinking the way you do.

      1. I like Adonis. He doesn't say it the way that I would (prolly b/c I'm not that smart & witty) but most everything he says I agree with in principle. I wish more women on this blog would HEAR him because it's important to understand how black men actually feel & think when interacting with them.

        My recent post Proverbs 31: A Life Worth Living?

        1. @Amicus

          I just caught your post from the other thread, I don’t know if you would get it, so I wrote it here.

          Yea, that was hurtful. Most of the time I’m laughing or agreeing with about 80% of what he says. Then I read something like that and I’m like—–>horrified.

          I know. But that is how a negro feels, ya see. Don’t take it personal. Don’t cape for the black women who this applies to. Just know & understand where I am coming. Which I love.

          I don’t really understand your pro stance on hitting, beating & most recently dragging women.

          If I choose well, and hold a strong frame with dealing with most women, I will never ever have to lay hands on any woman. That is the last thing I wanna do.

          But I occasionally have to remind women that you can get clapped.

          If you want to attack me.

          Kill me in my sleep. Throw boiling hot oatmeal at me. Do some true-to-the-game sneak shit.

          Do not be a woman who challenges me physically, like I ain’t gon respond. That’s all. And if you are disgruntled. You can leave too.

          BUT I agree with most everything else you said. I’d like you to explain this:
          “Black mothers are not truly meeting black sons at their core masculine needs.”

          Will explain.

          All I am saying, black women today give their black sons, sh*tty black fathers. If you don’t know how to pick a decent black dude to mate with. Go get you a white baby daddy or be someone’s wife.

          Black men are not the issue, black women’s choice in black men are the issue.

          What are those needs?

          A halfway decent dad & financial stability. No welfare. You should not be s*xing men BROKE.

          Black boys need a strong male authority to keep them in line at later ages. Absent or inadequate dads can’t need not apply.

          How are they not being met?

          I direct you to the nearest black ghetto.

          Also, you keep saying sex discrimination exists & that people just aren’t making the right arguments. What are the right arguments?

          If you can find the exact quote, which I am not willing to do. I can help you. But I don’t remember.

          S*xist arguments are usually BS arguments. Black women have more “privileges” in American society than Black Men.

          A hustler once said

          “The only two free people in America are BLACK WOMEN & WHITE MEN”

          Last, are you really in favor of BW dating outside of our race?

          Yes. Especially the more unattractive black women. Too bad most of their white counterparts are down with the Klan.

          Sometimes I think you’re being sarcastic, or just advocating that to prove a point.

          I am not being sarcastic,

          I just know that most BW can’t date out even if they wanted to.

          But if I can throw them over the fence, I would.

          Only the kind of BW I like, have the attractiveness & the intangibles to date out.

          – Middle Class mentality
          – Slim & In Shape
          – Childless
          – Decent relationship intangibles

          Only 10-20% of black women fall into the sweet spot of attractiveness. That is 90% of why white men ain’t coming to see you.

          Other times I’m not so sure. I know the world isn’t ideal, but in an ideal world wouldn’t you want our race to persist?

          Only if our race is willing to handle BUSINESS & challenge white supremacy & the system of white privilege.

          If we gonna be like the black characters in “The Help” or in “The Butler” or “Precious”.

          It is time to stick a fork in the black community.

        2. – Middle Class mentality

          – Slim & In Shape

          – Childless

          – Decent relationship intangibles

          From what I've seen, Black women with these characteristics are most likely to date outside their race,

        3. NM, I reread your comment.

          Although I did have one question: Can you explain how Black women are privileged?

        4. @Rena

          Black women have an easier time economically, simply because they are women. White employers have no problem employing black women regardless of their mentality (low-level hoodrats or Michelle Obama)

          Black women are systematically targeted (yet) for the prison system.

          Black women can date out with very little impunity al ALL.

          White women cannot, certain brown women cannot.

          Black men (even though easier today) still have to watch their back when dating white women.

          Black women have safety nets and programs, overwhelmingly to keep them off the street. Black men do not.

          I am not arguing that the black woman experience is not great or poor by any stretch. But the idea that black men have it way better than black women. That is false.

        5. Agreed. Black men are often seen as a threat (unless proven otherwise), whereas black women tend to fly under the radar. In some ways, it makes it easier for black women than black men, especially in the professional setting. There are plenty of challenges that apply more to black women, though, but I won't go into those.

          I don't think black women's experiences are worse than black men, just different.

    2. "Because now, "I have a black wife" excuse in my back pocket."
      ROTFL…God Bless her (future wife).
      LOL & Kudos @All of this

      1. @OH OK

        I am glad you know what it up.

        I am the same person on-line & in real life. I don’t fake the funk.

        However, I am not going to be as intense in person, nor am I going to mess my money & romantic chances .

        Good day

    3. Mr Adonis, I would like to take my time to extend my deepest apologies. When I first started participating on this site I made an erroneous comment, I said something to the tune of there are nothing but simp men who tell the women on the site what they want to hear. After reading this comment, I see I was clearly in error.

      To the black women, I give recognition when it is due. When you all put your efforts together you get the job done. You have convinced so many black men that being men makes them weak. You have convinced them that its a bad thing to want a submissive woman, that it is bad to want to lead and that if they desire such a woman then they are weak men. I recognize that you all are able to get the objective done when you put your efforts together. My hat is off to you.

      As for the black men, what I am about to say, I swear by GOD, that I am saying this with the utmost sincerity, No joke, no exaggeration, my Pure HONEST truth to you.

      Please my brethren, do not allow black women to rob you of your manhood. As Adonis, said earlier, the only women who make these kinds of statements are American Black women. NOBODY else. I dated nothing but black American women the first 19 years of my life, it was not until I met my now Somali wife and saw the way women in her family treated men that I became aware of my worth and value as a Man. I was one of those fools who were deceived into thinking that being with a disrespectful was actually a sign of manhood.

      My brethren, there is nothing like coming home to a woman who makes statements saying that she wants to make YOU happy. Do not rob yourself of this pleasure, life is far too short, and as a black man, its statistically even shorter. As a man married to three Black African women, I am here to testify that there are other black women in the world. And they do not believe that the expectation of them cooking for you sets them back 200 years, they feel no desire to challenge your every move under the guise of being strong, they won't disrespect every time you make a mistake or do something they don't agree with. And yes, they are BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, KIND, SWEET, FEMININE, and they nice sized bottoms as well.

      My brethren, if ever you come across a black american woman who makes one of the above statements in the article ,RUN AWAY From her. She has no intention in making you happy or making your life pleasurable. The fact that she is bold enough to say this repulsive comments in your face is telling enough. I urge to heed the advice of guys like Adonis and myself even though black women would have you to believe we are crazy and making things up. And if not us, then PLEASE to listen to pioneers like Tariq Nasheed and Tommy Sotomayor both of whom have put there person and image on the line to warn us brothers.

      Black women are hardened, and I recognize that it is not all their fault, Truly I do. But unfortunately, most black men are not therapists. We are not qualified to deal with the mental, emotional and spiritual trauma these women have went through. Life is not a Tyler Perry movie, trying to love a black woman through her pain can get you killed Literally, no joke. I do not know what the solution is for black women , but I do know what it is for us. Black men who realize their worth and value, do not deal with these women beyond anything that is necessary i.e the workplace. I don't care how big her behind is, how good her sex is or any of that foolishness, avoid these kind of women to the best of your ability. They cannot bring you any good, I have seen this time and time again in my past life, and currently in my family members life.

      I give you sound advice in searching for a good woman
      1. she is respectful of you and your wishes
      2. she does not think herself above traditional roles of men and women that spans across all ethnic groups and religions.
      3. she has some kind of modesty
      4. you actually like the idea of being around her beyond sex
      5. when she is upset with you she STILL RESPECTS YOU AND RESTRAINS HER MOUTH
      6. you would not mind having a daughter who acts like her
      7. she is not in every tom. dick and harry's face
      8. she respect your PARENTS (none of the ghetto hip hop reality show mess)
      9. she understands there are differences in men and women( some things men can do that women cannot and some things women can do that men cannot
      10. she is a Woman from a to z, nothing about her tone, speech, actions should remind you of a man in ANY FASHION

      And if you still think I am a liar, take a little time to see how African and non black women interact with their men. IF that does not do it, then you are beyond help and are destined to be with wretchedness.

      Good day sirs

      1. @Obvious

        *Daps*

        1. On behalf of the other men that comment, I am not a fan of simps, however, I see dudes that comment here to be more diplomatic than anything. These dudes on the sneak tip can be more radical than you & I put together. Then you have men who read but don’t comment. Every man plays the politic game differently.

        I just have a problem with the men who blatant apologize for (black) female malfeasance, because as we pointed out, most black men in America don’t want to mistreat women. If all black men were on BS, then I would understand where BW were coming from, but once you know the real deal. It is just hard to take the average BW seriously.

        2. Now, as far as dating black women, I am in my mid twenties, and almost established as far as manhood goes. I have to see what the next generation of black women are like (black women who are in high school now). And Oprah, I am always checking for Oprah

        Outside of practice, I really don’t step to black women like that. If a good to great black woman falls in my lap, great. Otherwise, I have to run through 19 subpar BW to get to a really good one. Sadly.

        You are right. Black men who are worthy need to keep their options international.

        Good day

  2. What bugs me is the statements are from women who deal with guys who are incapable of being good men. They waste their 20's either chasing the Trey Songz/Idris Elba type with money or popularity that most of the women around town or at work throw their panties at or they want the thug/goon type that they hope they can change and be a good man for them. In their late 20's and early 30's you hear statements like this.

    1. Pretty much, they say one thing and do another. You meet a man in the club or social media and then get upset he’s always flirting in the club or on social media, you meet a man who lived at home and immature, you move him in and now you doing everything because he’s immature…you pretty much reap what you sow

      1. Sure, but there is no such thing as a perfect man either. Nor is there much support for the woman that sets standards that would yield at the very least a middleclass healthy home. Once you hold on to your standards and say you don't want a twenty-somthing dude that still lives at home and you don't allow men into your life that try to hook up with you through the internet, you lose support from a lot of people(especially black women and men), because then you are too p.i.c.k.y.

        I have lived on my own since I was 20 and actually dated 2 guys that lived at home because I shouldn't "expect everyone to be on my level". It can get really tough when you have standards that have to to with the possible make-up of your future household like education, credit, budget skills, outside kids.

        *If you say you would like a guy with good credit (and you have it yourself) than you must be a "golddigger".

        * If you want a guy who is highly educated and gainfully employed (and you are that yourself) you're bougie.

        *If you say you would like to find a guy that saves and has savings (and you do yourself) you're selfish or frugal.

        *If you want a guy that is childfree (and you are childfree yourself) you think you're better than baby fathers and mothers AND you don't think they deserve love.

        I have learned the hard way that it is best to not verbalize what it is you are looking for but live it. And to speak of your deserve of love WITH love instead of with conviction. It is not a inaugural speech it is professing of wishes. I reckon that actions speak louder than words. #my two cents

    2. That's not only a problem with women. Yes, there are women who focus too much on the superficial – a man who has money, physically attractive, has game, etc. These women in their late 20s and 30s are the ones complaining about how most or all (black) men are no good. Not making excuses for that; it needs to change.

      However, there are also plenty of men who waste time focusing on how a woman looks, too. Instead of focusing on the type of person she is, rather she is faithful, a good partner, has good morals, would make a good partner etc., they'll be worried about finding their Beyoncé, Stacey (sp?) Dash, etc. – someone with a Coke bottle shape, light skin (for some) and a big rear/tiny waist. Just like women, men get jaded and attribute those undesirable qualities to a large group of women (claim that many or most (black) women are like that), when it really boils down to the individual choices they've made. Hence, the comment section putting down black women in the "No Offense: I Prefer Non-Black Women" article.

      1. Your ENTIRE second paragraph!! Women and men do this; focus on the wrong things in a mate and then get mad when they get played. If you were looking at something other than her phat a** or his phat wallet, you may have gotten a difft result.
        My recent post What Women Want

      2. I don't know if men do it as much as women, One thing I've learned from women of other races that love black women is that black men appreciate a woman's body more than any other group of men. Statistically African American women are the heaviest in the country and they are being married by black men for the most part. If you have superficial guys I think its the super popular guys or athletes that have women throwing their panties at them.

    3. Ugh, no. I f I look at all my black female friends that are single (And I know about 10 from different classes and backgrounds) MOST of them stuck by a man that was growing up just like them. But cheating, lying, beating, verbal abuse, neglect, immaturity or simply death has made them single black females in their late 20's. Cut these females some slack great love also has to do with luck. I have had love in my ife, not that much timing and not much luck. This awful judgement can easily chase a good woman away just like saying "all men are dogs" can chase good men away. And there is nothing wrong with an Idris Elba, a lot of Nigerian and Ghanian guys look like him.

  3. What it comes down to is people arent as good as they think they are. We’ve allowed the bar to be lowered to the point that mere independence is some sort of accomplishment, being faithful is a feat, hell knowing how to cook sets you apart from a pack. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. To be real, good men/women aren’t hiding they just arent impressed.

    1. APPLAUSE! Very true Tristan.
      Doing the bare minimum which should be done anyway is seen as some great triumph. Another reason women may not be able to find a "good man' is because a lot of women have had such low expectations and haven't made themselves worth the chase of a good man. I am a 28 yr old black woman and some of the things I've heard from both women and men of what women desire or expect is soooo low.
      We've got to do better !

  4. I have to co-sign Tristan I think both men and women want to be considered good/ great just for meeting the minimum requiems yet they want their partners to be above and beyond those same qualifications .

    I think there are good women out there . But even some good women have a hard time spotting a good man. I also think some good women think that a good men should be in abundance or within their reach even when she’s made one or a few bad choices . Sometimes the choices we make set us back a few steps when were on the search to find a good partner . For example our 20’s are a learning experience. Everybody makes a few mistakes . But you can’t spend your 20’s dating jerks or dealing with bs and then think once you hit thirty someone good should just be siting there waiting for you . You spent a lot of time with the wrong people and while you may have learn from it , it may still take sometime before you find a great guy.

    I also think men and women confuse a large amount of men and women ring available with a large amount f men as women being good men and women.

  5. I can't say that I even just went after guys who were pretty boys or where rich. I dated guys who matched my personality, or at least who i was interested in. These guys where NEVER ballers. (Looking back if i was going to get scorn should have tried to go after ballers) Sometimes we get scorned and it's hurts and it's hard to get overs. However, men do the samething, because some guys will become players because a chick broke his heart. It takes time to heal and some women can do it with the least amount of visual issues, while others will become the bitter black woman.
    My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

  6. I can't say that I even just went after guys who were pretty boys or where rich. I dated guys who matched my personality, or at least who i was interested in. These guys where NEVER ballers. (Looking back if i was going to get scorn should have tried to go after ballers) Sometimes we get scorned and it's hurts and it's hard to get overs. However, men do the samething, because some guys will become players because a chick broke his heart. It takes time to heal and some women can do it with the least amount of visual issues, while others will become the bitter black woman.
    My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

    1. I think i'm pretty good overall but sometimes a little bitterness comes out when you see a guy showing traits that you saw in a previous guy. There are plenty of good men out there! But there also needs to be chemistry. I could be the top woman in the world, but if you aren't feeling me, that doesn't mean you don't know a good woman, it means that I am just not the one for you.
      My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

      1. Co-sign Paynewell I think even good men and women suffer from “reject syndrome”. They feel their good qualities should make everyone they find suitable should see them in the same light. Also I think some good men don’t realize that even they sometimes have the same traits as the not so great guy. Again those traits aren’t in abundance but one or two small ones might be there and it may rub a woman the wrong way.

  7. I think i'm pretty good overall but sometimes a little bitterness comes out when you see a guy showing traits that you saw in a previous guy. There are plenty of good men out there! But there also needs to be chemistry. I could be the top woman in the world, but if you aren't feeling me, that doesn't mean you don't know a good woman, it means that I am just not the one for you.
    My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

    1. @Wildflower

      I think men are more likely to play the field as long as possible because I think they might miss something if they settle down.

      1. This sounds like classic apex fallacy . And this can easily be added to this post as female projection. Alot of times, if a guy is not attractive, he doesn’t count or women can’t “see” him.

      And I have said on multiple occasions, when women talk about what they want in men, they always assume he is already attractive. Now she wishes he would be faithful & dote on her.

      2. Marriage & commitment, today, can be a high risk, low reward proposition for the average man. And men have to assume alot of responsibility, whether the marriage is a success or failure.

      So, I just think women lack appreciation for all that goes into a man that decides to commit & invest in one woman.

  8. @paynewell

    If someone like Mariah Carey or Oprah shows interests in me & is willing to share, but I am just not into her like that.

    We gon’ MAKE it work, full disclosure. Maybe men & women are different in this regard, and that is fine.

    But I already know you now. I have to ask, so if your favorite male celeb/famous guy pushed up on you, but you found out later he is bi-s*xual, it is still a no-go?

    1. "I have to ask, so if your favorite male celeb/famous guy pushed up on you, but you found out later he is bi-s*xual, it is still a no-go?"

      No boo! I know people seem to think celebrities are some types of God's but they are people just like you and me. Just more money and more famous, which has never indicated one's moral character enough for me to foresake my own. I put it like this celebrities are great to look at, but they don't sway my core opinion. I love the way Laz Alonso carries himself, but let him say Morris Chestnut is s*xy. I'm out that piece!
      My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

  9. There's a lot of truth to what's being said both in the post and the comments section. But, I think both sexes are suffering from the "wanting what they can't have" disease. I've passed up good guys for very superficial reasons in my late teens (acne, too thin, 2 yrs younger, etc.)…I was married from 19-27. I won't lie about that tidbit. Also, though circumstances make me feel that Dr. J's bullet points are true at times, I know in my heart that this is not the case. But, I still think that its more complex than what's being stated. I think the only way to really see the full picture is to do another post about why men seem to think there are no good women out here or that they're just so hard to find or "good women" isn't as much of a priority as looks or…whichever/whatever is accurate. All this to say, in general, I think we're all in our own way…

    1. Co-sign

      1)A lot of us want someone who doesn’t want us / we think who we want should want us
      2) We say one thing but do the other. We say we want a serious relationship, but date people who don’t have the qualities needed to sustain one. (men and women)
      3)Too focused on what you want instead of what you need and confusing the two.
      4)Too busy pointing your finger at everyone else instead of looking at yourself.
      5)People feel like they are owed something for being upstanding men and women.

  10. One thing I think we have to also touch on is that good people may not be the most attractive. Not for nothing, we gotta attracted to any prospect. It's all really two fold, yea I want a good woman, but I wanna be attracted to her as well..

    1. Right! But, it seems that women are made to feel bad for this (always going for the lookers) but we're supposed to accept men going for their preferences, lol. Seems like a double standard here.

      …which is why I said we're both (men and women) in our own way. Happiness has to look a certain way, have a certain job, drive a certain car, exercise 10 times a week, wear certain clothes, etc. We're all guilty of one of those things or a few, lol…

      1. I agree! Why can't I have someone I am attracted to without being made to feel bad about it? As if that is selfish or superficial? I'm sure he's going to want me to be intimate with him. If I like they type of person he is but I am not into physically i am sure he is going to have his feelings hurt. Especially when he wants to get some. (Babe you want to do it again? This year? We did it in March right?) I am not saying he has to be the flyest man in the world, but it would be nice if i could look at him and say he isn't bad looking because i know that personality is going to increase his attractiveness.
        My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

        1. Because the truth is in most cases its not that dude is unattractive to you (you meaning Women) but instead that you feel "He is alright/cute/handsome/etc but I am going to wait for the next one. I can get better".
          Women are notorious for finding their friend's boyfriends and/or husbands to be cute AFTER those men are unavailable. Coming with the "Damn…where did you find him? Does he have any friends? He's ccuuuute". But let that same man have been single and have approached them….."Ahhh. He is okay and all…eh". Smh lol

        2. I can't agree with that. If you ask my girlfriends I could stand to up my standards a bit in the looks department. They have to be a package. Guys have the same things too. If that was the case, all cute women, with a job, and a cute smile would be wifed up. But there is a need for a chemistry. If all it took was a bare minimun for men, no man would be single. What makes men in relationships attractive to some is that personality, looks, and their ability to make their woman feel like she is the only chick there. Guys in my friendzone are there because of personality issues or core issues that we cannot agree on. Believe me I have tried to make it work, but no one wants to be in a relationshp because she just was like "eh you are good enough"
          My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

        3. Co sign Paynewell

          "Guys in my friendzone are there because of personality issues or core issues that we cannot agree on. Believe me I have tried to make it work, but no one wants to be in a relationshp because she just was like "eh you are good enough"

          Men do the same thing. A lot of men have home girls who they originally started off interested in as more than a friend, but something happened they didn’t click or he saw some of her actions before he express real interest and decided to friend zone her.

        4. You are taking it as if I am saying every woman or even you in particular. But are you really going to try and tell me that there are not a large number of woman out there that friendzone men that meet pretty much all of their qualifications but they still pass them up because they believe that can get better?

        5. IMHO that's more of a man's way of thinking. How the sexes attack the dating game is because we think differently yet we want the same results. Because I think a man should think this way, doesn't mean it is true. For instance, the FWB situation. we think men can grow feelings for someone just like we can, but that's a woman's way of thinking. Honestly, I don't believe that women place men in a 'friendzone' because they believe better can occur. It's more about either the guy was "wack" or he was a prime candidate who should have zigged but he zagged and that's how he got there. I see what you are saying, but I hear that more from guys who will keep their options open because they think better can happen. They will have a "perfect" woman in their laps but want somene who is a bit "freakier" or whatever else their need maybe. A woman's fault is that we sometimes have some ridiculous and stupid standards. Who knows, maybe we are saying the same thing, what do you think?

        6. @paynewell
          @larnelw

          Guys are in the friend zone because they don’t have the attractiveness to overcome those flaws, and you are not a young woman (18-25) anymore, so you want attractive & substance. We know. It’s cool.

          When women talk about compatibility & chemistry, that is code for, “Am I attracted to him”

          Nothing more, nothing less.

          How else would you explain the jumpoff situation.

          Women get in situationships with dude who they don’t agree ideologically, all the time. Attractiveness makes up for disagreements.

          Cats in the friendzone didn’t have the necessary pizzazz

        7. More or less, I know how you are using attractiveness, and I think I am put off because I think visual as attractive, and I think as compatible meaning that we can get along in the majority of aspects.

          I am safely able to agree with this statement.

          P.S.
          Jumpoffs are guys that we just couldnt see ourselves with long term but they got good bedroom skills…So i've heard….
          My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

        8. "Cats in the friendzone didn't have the necessary pizzazz "

          Not always true. In some cases….in fact I will even go out and say in many cases its not that they didn't have the pizzazz but that the woman (or man) felt I can get better than that. Better than them. Like the original post said, they are looking for the loudest person in the room. And only the loudest person for them will do…or so they think.

        9. @larnelw & @paynewell

          Y’all are both right. But I agree more with @paynewell.

          Women will have quality men in the friendzone, while sleeping with the most degenerate dude they can find. This is going on as we speak. That degenerate dude was AGGRESSIVE & ATTRACTIVE, and probably sleeping with all her friends.

          Women will do that, until

          Their beauty fades.
          Or they find the guy with the best of both of those two guys, in one guy.

          So, it really goes back to the mantra for MEN.

          To be attractive at ALL costs.

          Don’t worry about being a GOOD guy.

          Good guys are only noticed when they are not around.

          Hence, the post, and why it will peak at around 110 comments

      2. Oh I'm with you. Women should have their preference as well. And if you're not attracted to a dude and he seems clueless as to why you're not coming around I think it's fine to say that you're not attracted. But that's just my mentality.

      3. I think that is partially because of what women put out there with sayings like, “It is what’s on the inside that counts.” and “Only men are visual creatures”. The backlash comes from it being a lie or an omission of the whole truth. As men, we’re honest about looks smattering and are villified for it; so many women get villified for LYING about the same thing.

    2. @Damnpops I think you should be with someone you’re attracted to. But there’s a midpoint between God/Goddess Supermodel and the troll under the bed. Let’ not act like were all only attracted to 10’s and better. I think sometimes people are more worried about will everyone else (friends, family and facebook) finding their spouse attractive. I mean if we all look through our dating histories I’m sure some people have been prettier than others.

      I feel like sometimes people think ugly and good go hand and hand lol like there are no attractive (attraction is relative) men and women who are nice/good. I know men who I don’t find attractive have plenty of fish to choose from.

    3. I think thats an excuse most of the time. People tend to act like we are talking about absolute beauty or frightfully ugly. But there is a very long gray scale inbetween those two extremes. In most cases, I believe, people do find a person to be at least reasonably attractive but they prefer to pass on that person(s) to wait for better.

      1. AGREED! And, honestly, I'm just recently (over a 3 yr process, lol) getting free from this (within reason, lol). Not even sure if I'm all the way there…but I'm getting there…

        I really had to examine why my preferences were what they were…cause it wasn't that I found others to be ugly at all like I couldn't be attracted to anyone outside of them. And what I found had a lot to do with what Smilez alluded to…I needed a certain look to validate and perpetuate my own attractiveness. It was rooted in some insecurities. Now, that I've dealt with that, I'm more free to be with who I like…who I'm compatible with. This doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to certain features over others. But, it does mean that my priority is really a person now. So, if I like/vibe/flow with the person, I more easily become attracted to it all (within reason, lol). I'm just not so sure most people realize/agree with/or think like this, lol…

      1. And many never find that person because they never get past the looks part of attraction. And I am not saying that anyone should settle for someone ugly or even unattractive. I am saying that we, myself included at one point, tend to pass up that which would make us more than happy because we think we can find better. Always looking for the extra inch.

  11. I asked myself this question when I was single. The good men I knew already had good women, and the rest of the men were just looking for someone warm to lay with, nothing serious. For a while, I tried "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and did the casual thing, but I'm just serious. Always have been. So I got rid of the hangers on, started living my life, and found a great dude, that was single, and things just went from there.

    I don't really think big city dating brings out the best in people a lot of the time. You could be a great guy/woman, as in a great person, but that's not necessarily the same person that shows up on a DATE, which might be where some people are coming from when they say "where are all the good men/women?". They go to church, they have a good job, they call their mom, they are die-hard friends, but they're a player and a cheater in the dating game. Sometimes, that's the way it goes.

    I'll concede that there are some men out there that women are overlooking because they don't make enough money or aren't attractive enough, but there are women out there that get overlooked because they aren't attractive/fashionable enough, so you'd think these groups of people would find each other.

    Ultimately, I just think it's a "right place, right time" solution. For a long time, I felt overlooked and wondered when I would find someone for me, but then I did. It takes as long as it takes.

    1. "I don't really think big city dating brings out the best in people a lot of the time. You could be a great guy/woman, as in a great person, but that's not necessarily the same person that shows up on a DATE, which might be where some people are coming from when they say "where are all the good men/women?". They go to church, they have a good job, they call their mom, they are die-hard friends, but they're a player and a cheater in the dating game. Sometimes, that's the way it goes."

      Then wouldn't that denote that they are in fact NOT a good man/woman? This isn't about a personal morals or whether or not they are an upstanding person in the community. Its about whether or not they are a Good man/woman in a relationship. And that has nothing to do with their employment, family life or whether or not they attend church.

      1. Oh, I don't know. I think a guy being employed, having good relationships with his family and having good morals are part of MY definition of a good man. But my standards are my own. True, there could be many women out there who don't care about what you're like outside of the relationship, but I think that's a bit short-sided.

      2. @Larnelw

        Basically, most women today have to choose what is more important.

        Thorough morals & a good job, & attraction is very hard to find in one guy especially when the women in question don’t have the attractiveness or the swagger to keep this man’s attention.

        So, if a woman wants a provider, he might not deliver in the bedroom satisfactorily.

        If she has to have a great lover, he might not be relationship material, or provide any tangibles.

        Most women have no choice but to choose, and will let life pass them by without choosing.

        1. We have a "Every Square is a Quadrilateral but every Quadrilateral is not a Square" thing happening here. In HER definition, those aforementioned "items" may be a part of her definition of a "good man" (though I do draw issue with "good job" but thats an entirely different convo) BUT having all those aspects does not a good man actually make. A man can easily have morals, be close to his family and have a great job but still be a dog to women. That is what I was getting at

        2. I believe I said employed, not good job, and said that those facets were PART of my definition of a good man. I, personally, think a good many isn't a cheater or a player, but in my original post upthread, I said women see the other things and ASSUME he'll also be a good man. I, personally, consider BOTH. Someone in the thread said the total package does exist, and that's true for men as well as women.

  12. Really good post today. And I agree with most of it though I will say my stance is slightly different on one; “Men want women to submit to them”. I do want a (and have) a wife who submits to me. But understand "sumbit" does not mean she is like my slave. It doesn't mean that she is a pushove. It doesnt meant she is my doormat. It simply means she submits to me as being the head of the house. Head of the family. That she allowes me to lead and is will to standby my side. That she is my helpmate.

  13. Now as for "Good men". Good men can be found all over. I would suggest to most women to look in that place many good men tend to congregate. I believe y'all call it the "Friend Zone". Now I'm sure some may say, "Well physical attraction is important" and thats true. It is. But I'm certain most women don't find their male "Friend Zoners" to actually be ugly. They just aren't attractive ENOUGH. As Dr J so well stated it, "He just isn't loud enough". Its like women have this mentality, "Yeah he is a real good guy. I would recommend him to a friend. I'd talk him up to another woman. I know he would make some woman really really happy….but for me, I personally need someone better".

  14. I will say this: (and it goes for the brothers who ask where the good black women are too)

    1) Just because you want a good black one doesn’t mean you should have one, especially when all that is seen and heard from you amounts to vitriol directed towards men (or women)

    2.) If you cannot tell the difference between a good one and a bad one, you’re not ready for a good one. At all.

    3.) Having your friends who are in the same situations cosign your vitriol doesn’t make it valid; it just shows that all of you are prone to make the same jacked up decisions and havthe same outlook. Try finding a woman (or man) that has achieved the results you claim you want to have and learn from her. It is impossible for an eagle to learn to soar above the clouds from a turkey that can barely get

    off the ground.

    3.) You don’t know how to talk to people, even if you don’t agree with them. Disagreement ≠ disrespect.

    1. Also, stop expecting people to look past your nasty exterior (whether appearance or how you talk to/about people) and expect them to see your so called nice heart and personality. It won’t happen.

      Looks matter, deal with it. They aren’t everything, but stop using your personality as an excuse to not be responsible for how you present yourself. What you claim you want has a standard and preference too. As long as you fail to show concern about what they want, you will be passed by. Always.

      Last, but not least (for now), get over yourself. You weren’t the first in line to be a good person, and the line didn’t end with you either. Your not being chosen isn’t always an indicator of their not wanting a good one; You aren’t the quintessence of a good one. Their life doesn’t go downhill simply becsuse they didn’t choose YOU. There is a possibility that they found somebody who was more attractive AND a good person too. Surprise!!! There is such a thing as the total package: looks, personality, and character. I find that the people who are lacking in one or more of those areas stay complaining about others or are consistently trying to make others settle. (It’s not settling if you could never get it in the first place.)

      1. good points.
        while people are more self-centered nowadays, being a 'good person' isn't a 1-in-a-million thing, it's what you're supposed to do for other people. and women like being attracted to who they like, just like men do.
        no need in giving females grief over their preferences.

        1. @HHH

          no need in giving females grief over their preferences.

          But if we have to pay the social cost (bastard, wayward criminally inclined kids) & pay taxes (to provide welfare, clothes, food, shelter) as a result of these women acting on their preference. That is cool too.

          Their children that come from these preferences who run up in the bank, that I am trying to do business in, to rob it.

          If black women were only hurting themselves with their dating preference, I can say, “well I need to STFU”, they are happy, and move on.

          Not only are they bitter & scorned, now they need a simp like you, to come through to save them.

          Good Day

        2. "But if we have to pay the social cost (bastard, wayward criminally inclined kids) & pay taxes (to provide welfare, clothes, food, shelter) as a result of these women acting on their preference. That is cool too. "

          what i mean in "giving her grief" is that if a female is only interested in bald-diesel dudes who don't stimulate her emotionally but provide for her physical needs, then the repercussions of her choice will be what it is. i have no interest in shaming; i see it as an inefficient waste of my time.

          your example is cute. if there are kids running into a bank, i guess it's up to us to make sure all kids have better options, things to do, and stable friendship networks so that they (whether they come from 2 parent homes or single parent homes) aren't interested in running into banks.

          "Not only are they bitter & scorned, now they need a simp like you, to come through to save them."

          Ahh, that simp title again, too bad i'm not one. but if that's the reality you choose to accept i have no interest in shattering that illusion.

        3. @Paynewell

          I think anytime you give women some type of understanding, you are classifed as a simp. lol

          I think simps are just men who give women too much credit, and not enough responsibility.

          And women don’t even co-sign that.

          In deed, because they won’t even sleep with simps.

          In words, many women are more intelligent as far as classic male-female dynamic then they were five years ago.

          They understand that women need to be on some type of restriction & strong men need to give them those restriction.

          Hence why, you even admit, women NEED men. Men are not optional in a woman’s life.

          Too bad alot of women come to the realization when they are not beautiful & youthful anymore.

          And simpish are not attractive. Even though simps take women more seriously & willing to make more concessions to make a woman’s life more comfortable.

          It is a sad reality, but such is life.

  15. cool post.
    i think women meet good men, but they aren't attracted to 'em. which is life.
    not everyone is meant to have love, and some people get exactly what they desired.
    i'll leave it at that.

  16. I think a lot of has to do with sexual chemistry. You could be the best man or woman in the world, but if the sexual attraction isnt there. Nothing is going to happen. That does not grow. A lot of times, people in the friendzone has some sort of sexual attraction or tension, however for some other reason it just wont't work. I'm talking about when there is none there at all. Not so much of a spark. That's when you have trouble.

    Respect, admiration, friendship, love, honor, all that can grow over time, however if you are not sexually attracted to the person, then its a no go.

    Sometimes these "good men/women" are just not cutting it. They may be attractive (subjective), got their stuff together, etc. But you can NOT learn to be sexually attracted to someone. Or maybe that's just me. I digress. There's someone for everyone though. I do believe that.

    1. @HairBear_FLL

      So, the basic tenet to get the women you want is to

      “Be attractive above all else.”

      Got the message loud & clear

      And that is why we have all these dusty single mother running around in our community & their gang of kids being a net-negative in their neighborhoods.

  17. I have an alternate perspective. It's almost certainly the case the the good men are hiding in plain sight. But I think what women mean when they say "good men" is actually "better men" or "best men". If all the guys in the room are bosses, women will want the bossest among them. Dat hypergamy.

    See, in my years of experience with women, I find that they're really good at making statements while omitting clarifying information that adds context and meaning. Once that context is added, you realize just how inaccurate the info was.

    This phenomenon is the cause of lots of frustration among guys who can't decode woman-speak. Guys, if you actually take women's advice on stuff like this, include a grain of salt and prepare to get lots of misinformation.

    So I'll very briefly go through the list above and include what women are excluding in [brackets]:

    “All men [that I date] cheat [on me].”

    “[Some] Men [that I find attractive] will sleep with anything [so I hope I get chosen].”

    “[These wack] Men want women to submit to them [but I only submit to boss dudes].”

    “A man should love me for me and not try and change me [but he should be okay with me trying to change him even tho that's hypocritical].”

    1. I gave you a thumbs up…but not I just gotta remind you that not ALL women feel this way.
      Maybe Im just different, but I highly doubt it. Blanket statements are not just used with men.

    2. You know what you just described? Playing the victim to a tee. Playing the victim involves omission of pertinent details or outright lying. That’s basically what this post is illuminating in so many words.

  18. All of this is subjective. Long story short, no matter how "good" a man or woman is, if you are not attracted to them (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc.) then they aren't the match for you. Compatibility is so much more than, "I'm a woman/man with a job, my own money, morals, stable relationships, blah blah blah". Because if we are not intrigued by one another and have similar goals, I don't care if your credit is good, and your a mentor to some kids in the inner city (although the mentoring may hook me in the beginning lol). Questions like, "Where are the good woman/men?" are so vague and never get into the details or the nitty gritty, which in most cases doesn't truly come out until you meet face to face and date a couple of times. Lesson is to both men and women, try to keep your jaded thoughts to yourself or in your diary, and understand that just because you dated a few dirtbags that not all (black)men/(black)women (or whoever) are like that.

  19. *Gavel pop*. Nothing much really needs to be added. In my single days, I responded to women who made such blanket statements with a particular lack of empathy. My repsone to them was, “if you haven’t dealt with all men (namely me), then how do you know we all have the same characteristics?” I usually got an “eff you n****” in return, but I like to think they saw my logic (fat chance I know).

  20. Mr Adonis, I would like to take my time to extend my deepest apologies. When I first started participating on this site I made an erroneous comment, I said something to the tune of there are nothing but simp men who tell the women on the site what they want to hear. After reading this comment, I see I was clearly in error.

    To the black women, I give recognition when it is due. When you all put your efforts together you get the job done. You have convinced so many black men that being men makes them weak. You have convinced them that its a bad thing to want a submissive woman, that it is bad to want to lead and that if they desire such a woman then they are weak men. I recognize that you all are able to get the objective done when you put your efforts together. My hat is off to you.

    As for the black men, what I am about to say, I swear by GOD, that I am saying this with the utmost sincerity, No joke, no exaggeration, my Pure HONEST truth to you.

    Please my brethren, do not allow black women to rob you of your manhood. As Adonis, said earlier, the only women who make these kinds of statements are American Black women. NOBODY else. I dated nothing but black American women the first 19 years of my life, it was not until I met my now Somali wife and saw the way women in her family treated men that I became aware of my worth and value as a Man. I was one of those fools who were deceived into thinking that being with a disrespectful was actually a sign of manhood.

    My brethren, there is nothing like coming home to a woman who makes statements saying that she wants to make YOU happy. Do not rob yourself of this pleasure, life is far too short, and as a black man, its statistically even shorter. As a man married to three Black African women, I am here to testify that there are other black women in the world. And they do not believe that the expectation of them cooking for you sets them back 200 years, they feel no desire to challenge your every move under the guise of being strong, they won't disrespect every time you make a mistake or do something they don't agree with. And yes, they are BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, KIND, SWEET, FEMININE, and they nice sized bottoms as well.

    My brethren, if ever you come across a black american woman who makes one of the above statements in the article ,RUN AWAY From her. She has no intention in making you happy or making your life pleasurable. The fact that she is bold enough to say this repulsive comments in your face is telling enough. I urge to heed the advice of guys like Adonis and myself even though black women would have you to believe we are crazy and making things up. And if not us, then PLEASE to listen to pioneers like Tariq Nasheed and Tommy Sotomayor both of whom have put there person and image on the line to warn us brothers.

    Black women are hardened, and I recognize that it is not all their fault, Truly I do. But unfortunately, most black men are not therapists. We are not qualified to deal with the mental, emotional and spiritual trauma these women have went through. Life is not a Tyler Perry movie, trying to love a black woman through her pain can get you killed Literally, no joke. I do not know what the solution is for black women , but I do know what it is for us. Black men who realize their worth and value, do not deal with these women beyond anything that is necessary i.e the workplace. I don't care how big her behind is, how good her sex is or any of that foolishness, avoid these kind of women to the best of your ability. They cannot bring you any good, I have seen this time and time again in my past life, and currently in my family members life.

    I give you sound advice in searching for a good woman
    1. she is respectful of you and your wishes
    2. she does not think herself above traditional roles of men and women that spans across all ethnic groups and religions.
    3. she has some kind of modesty
    4. you actually like the idea of being around her beyond sex
    5. when she is upset with you she STILL RESPECTS YOU AND RESTRAINS HER MOUTH
    6. you would not mind having a daughter who acts like her
    7. she is not in every tom. dick and harry's face
    8. she respect your PARENTS (none of the ghetto hip hop reality show mess)
    9. she understands there are differences in men and women( some things men can do that women cannot and some things women can do that men cannot
    10. she is a Woman from a to z, nothing about her tone, speech, actions should remind you of a man in ANY FASHION

    And if you still think I am a liar, take a little time to see how African and non black women interact with their men. IF that does not do it, then you are beyond help and are destined to be with wretchedness.

    Good day sirs

    1. There's validity to this, I dated an African woman, and no gas she really knew how to treat a man. Our issues we're different but no one has ever treated me better. I love their culture for that.

  21. Amen to this post…x3! I really just wish the ladies would just agree that women need to change their thinking in this matter. Playing the "but men…" game nullifies the productivity of the conversation. Most of us do that because it reminds us of how we are or how we used to be, but we should see it as an opportunity for growth or evidence that we have grown. Instead we project our own insecurities and shortcomings onto our opposite sex, while not even realizing that our family dynamic has been under attack for generations, and that making those blanket, false statements towards each other is only taking the bait.

  22. This is not so much directed at the article itself because I can agree with the point of the article. I want to Insert that this principle applies as much to men as it does to women. In the comments section section alone shows that men can be just as assumptive about women and having that many objections toward me based on how some men feel about the women THEY HAVE KNOWN is real turn-off.
    This more for comments because I feel the advice that men give women is counterproductive or laced with double standards. Off top Adonis opens with "date who wanna date". I think most women wanna date a good person they are attracted to. Not going to tread the murky waters "good" and "attractive" cuz my pool aint your pool so we are just going to stick with that. The advice changes to women will have to pick either "good" or "attractive" because there's no way to have both as woman and the sooner we accept that we cant have both the better we will be. To me this counterproductive and a double standard. When a man wants a good woman I rarely hear other men say to men that your good woman may not be *insert your celeb crush here* or even remotely attractive so you gotta choose man. Pretty woman or good woman? If a man says I want both that is encouraged to look till he finds both and be proud of it, make no apologies. But women are encouraged to choose because both cant be had.
    Now I agree that "good" may not look like what we want and that concessions have to be in the wants vs needs but I still say that this is just as applicable to men as women. If chemistry is womenspeak for attraction then "preferences" is manspeak for the same thing.While the guys bring up a good point abot women and how they think would you guys follow your own advice? What if for an intents and purposes you did meet a good women, but she would never be less than a size 18, or has kids or has traction alopecia? She would never lie to you, dead loyal, is a freak, kids look like money and all her wigs are on point (you thought that ish was real lol). Would you give good woman a shot or pass her up for your "preferences" because men arent having that ish as whole especially the good men.

    1. @Uit

      This was a great response by the way. Intelligent rebuttals is always welcome & encouraged

      N/P “How To Touch A Girl” by Jojo

      This is not so much directed at the article itself because I can agree with the point of the article.

      I agree also.

      I want to Insert that this principle applies as much to men as it does to women.

      Almost. We’ll get to that later

      In the comments section section alone shows that men can be just as assumptive about women and having that many objections toward me based on how some men feel about the women THEY HAVE KNOWN is real turn-off.

      Black women have not done themselves any favors when it comes to reputation.

      The biggest issue is that the GOOD black women stay silent and/or invisible. Also, we have alot of imposter black women parading around as good.

      This more for comments because I feel the advice that men give women is counterproductive or laced with double standards.

      Not DOUBLE standards. DIFFERENT standards. Because men & women wanted the EXACT SAME thing, the we would use the EXACT SAME standard. Also men & women are different biologically, & think/motivated differently, and are valued at different times of their lives.

      Off top Adonis opens with “date who wanna date”.

      I said that, simply, because your dating history doesn’t reflect the BS standards you try to sell men.

      Otherwise you would be MARRIED & happy already, RIGHT?

      I think most women wanna date a good person they are attracted to. Not going to tread the murky waters “good” and “attractive” cuz my pool aint your pool so we are just going to stick with that.

      How American (Black) Women date & choose men is.

      Attractive, and if he happens to be GOOD, then that is a welcome bonus.

      I direct you to all the never married dusty single moms in the black community. Non-black women have their issues, but they have their men to answer to.

      N/P “Spin Around” By The Fresh Beat Band

      The advice changes to women will have to pick either “good” or “attractive” because there’s no way to have both as woman and the sooner we accept that we cant have both the better we will be.

      This advice is for AVERAGE women.

      This advice is for OLDER women

      This advice is for women with KIDS.

      This advice is for UGLY women.

      This advice is for especially for FAT women

      This advice is for women with POOR RELATIONSHIP INTANGIBLES (which most of these women happen to be BLACK & AMERICAN.)

      Now if you happen to be

      20 year old
      Childless
      Fit & Shapely
      Above Average Face
      Superior Relationship Intangibles

      Not only are Black Men selling out to be with you, other men from other races & countries as well.

      And you would not be writing on this blog talking about “double standards”

      To me this counterproductive and a double standard.

      A DIFFERENT standard. Because we have DIFFERENT value systems & we are valued differently as men & women.

      When a man wants a good woman I rarely hear other men say to men that your good woman may not be *insert your celeb crush here* or even remotely attractive so you gotta choose man. Pretty woman or good woman? If a man says I want both that is encouraged to look till he finds both and be proud of it, make no apologies. But women are encouraged to choose because both cant be had.

      Here is why I responded to you @Uit.

      The reason why men are encourage to “reach for the stars” is because what keeps most men from getting the women they want is a subtle shift in mindset & alot of hard work (finances)

      Most men ARE NOT willing to pay the cost to be the boss.

      So the men that are thorough & willing to work hard for the women they desire, will most likely get the women they are looking for.

      MOST WOMEN on the other hand, have a nice youthful window (16 – 28) to make it happen (the Halle Berrys, the Stacey Dashes, & the Kerry Washingtons of the world are the utmost exceptions.) And if these said women don’t take care of themselves, their window is smaller.

      So, again, men & women have, are & always will be held to different standards.

      But modern (black) women’s BS dating strategies are setting them up for some real bitter, lonely, man-less years from 30+. And can blame no one but their choices & biology.

      Now I agree that “good” may not look like what we want and that concessions have to be in the wants vs needs but I still say that this is just as applicable to men as women.

      Different Standards

      If chemistry is womenspeak for attraction then “preferences” is manspeak for the same thing.

      Actually I prefer cute, curvy dark skin women over all other women. But based on the black women who choose me, I will probably invest in a young light-skin black woman.

      But I agree with you.

      While the guys bring up a good point abot women and how they think would you guys follow your own advice?
      What if for an intents and purposes you did meet a good women, but she would never be less than a size 18, or has kids or has traction alopecia? She would never lie to you, dead loyal, is a freak, kids look like money and all her wigs are on point (you thought that ish was real lol). Would you give good woman a shot or pass her up for your “preferences” because men arent having that ish as whole especially the good men.

      Great Question!!! If this particular woman had money (200K+) and a great income & was unbelievably cooperative , we could probably make it work for a little while. But as a mid-twenties black male who life has a high probability of being snuffed out at any moment.

      Otherwise, I would not take those women seriously & or want to invest in this woman in any way.

      Great response. Good day @UIT

    2. "What if for an intents and purposes you did meet a good women, but she would never be less than a size 18"

      My peen wont respond if she don't look right– doesnt matter how good she can work it. I can't lie to my peen– it sees what I see. If she doesn't do it for me in terms of attraction, there will never be a serious chance for a romantic relationship.

      I'll drop a quick nugget of knowledge that most people don't know. The reason old men use the "vyagra"– they did a study and found that the majority of *healthy old married men* that use it had no physical problem with getting it up– no peen dysfunction. They surveyed them and discovered that most of them used it because they no longer found their old wrinkly wives physically arousing.

      If sex is important to you (and healthy men can rock it way into their 70s and above), then it should be important to have an appealing/arousing partner. And if her permanent size 18 and alopecia is a turn off, then I'd recommend that the dude not waste his time, because it's not gonna get any better.

  23. Great article, and great discussion afterward. I hate that word "good", its so relative as to be laughable. I know good women, and women who only HAVE some GOOD. Its all about perspective.

    To me, as long as she is a team player, she's good. I've dated lawyers, dentists, engineers, weed ladies, pill ladies, you name it. And the hood girl was the best fit thus far lmao
    My recent post Long-Distance Love: How to Care from a Distance

  24. Also, for anybody who has caught the latest episode of “Catfish”

    I won’t get into the irrelevant details, however Ashley or Jessica basically showed an extreme example how average to below average women in America in society feel like they deserve top-shelf men. And ignore the decent men who are on their level.

    And complain later on about “where are all the good men at”.

    Mike was on the same attractive level as Ashley/Jessica, but Jessica still turned him down. Which she was well within her rights.

    Black female Twitter rightfully excoriated her. (Even tho, alot of them low-key feel the same way.)

    Now Ashley/Jessica got her mind right later & gave Mike a chance, even though Mike simpish ways might scare her off in the long run.

    ——————————–

    Another extreme example of (black) female entitlement is Ms. Jai Stone of Essence

    Now, this woman is grotesquely overweight & complaining about how black men gave up on her.

    Keep in mind, black men in America are the most tolerant & accepting when it comes to overweight women (mostly because black men collectively are the most impoverished), however this woman wants us to make room for her, (350 – 400 LBS) just because other races of men were nicer to her.

    I say all that to say this, if fat women (0.5s & 1s) feel like they deserve above average men (7s, 8s & 9s), imagine what women who are 5s & 6s feel like they are entitled to.

    And as Chris Rock said, “We gotta pick a wife out of this bunch”

    Goodnight

  25. all the good men are hiding away from the downlow freaks and gold diggers and we trying to build something usually by ourselves because alot of young ladies want u to already be at the top of the mountain when they meet you when they themselves are deep in debt and/or live with their parents and/or roommates at 30 years old
    My recent post NEW SLAVES

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