Home Featured Cat Calling Pick Up Lines: Is ‘Street Harassment’ Ever Acceptable?

Cat Calling Pick Up Lines: Is ‘Street Harassment’ Ever Acceptable?

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"Damn girl... Smile."
“Damn girl… Smile.”

A couple weeks back, Ebony Magazine’s Jamilah Lemieux started a doozy of a trending topic with #BlackPowerIsForBlackMen. The hashtag addressed black male privilege and the ways some black men can be ignorant of the difficulties that sometimes come with being both black, and a woman in America. One of the issues that came up as folks responded was the cat calling, the excessive use of pick up lines, and the overall street harassment in which some black men sometimes indulge.

I found this bit of the of the larger conversation particularly interesting because some of the tweets elucidated – in a very real way – how annoying, offensive, and sometimes scary this can be for women. I’d understood this for a number of years, but the visceral response I had to some of the tweeted examples was pretty powerful.

Of all the various mating rituals in which men and women partake, I think no greater gap in understanding exists than in that of what is and isn’t acceptable or desired when it comes to interactions between strangers on the street.

For many men, the idea of saying, “damn girl, smile?”, or “you really wearing that dress…” or any of the other things we come up with is simply a way of letting you know we’ve noticed you and that we appreciate whatever it is you just did to our day. For many men, it never occurs to us that some of these statements might be disrespectful, demeaning, objectifying or just rude. We often don’t even realize that we’re probably not the first, or second, or third, or fourth person to speak to you that particular day. This is the pathology of male privilege.

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As a young, single lad, I was never big on catcalling or trying to stop a woman on the street. And though I’ve always considered myself a supporter of the goals of the black feminist movement, I didn’t avoid catcalling because of this. I avoided it simply because I felt like the success rate was prohibitively low. I’ve seen barbershops full of men, including those with capes around their necks– half way through a one caesar, empty as everyone rushed to the door as an attractive woman walked by. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen a guy try to stop a woman as she’s passed him on the street, or how many times I’ve heard a dude go for the “pssssssssssssstttttttt” or the “yo ma…”. I can, however, count on one hand how many times I’ve actually seen these tactics work.

So while up from puberty through my college years, it was the low batting average associated with catcalling that prevented me from ever really incorporating it into my life, as I got older, I started to understand why, beyond it being a losing proposition, it was also just wrong– 99% of time.

Still, I can’t say that I’m absolutely certain that attempting to start a conversation with someone to whom your aesthetically attracted is inherently wrong, or if it’s more a matter of men erring in how we go about it. Something seems wrong about encouraging a blanket prohibition that would bar men and women from ever attempting to bridge the gap of unacquaintance that exists between strangers on the street.

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Ladies, this is where you come in. This is SBM and we’re striving to exhibit and encourage the highest form of manhood, so with that in mind, please enlighten us:

1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?

2. If you will, can you give us an example of a street interaction that was either disrespectful, scary, offensive (or all of the above) and let us know what about it was particularly off-putting?

3. How much does the attractiveness of the man cat calling play into how you respond to it?

4. If you have an example of a time when a stranger said something to you on the street that made you more interested in getting to know him, peaked your curiosity or  at least caused you to crack a smile, please share it. 

I’m hoping this can be a teachable moment for the single cats out there. I’m hoping we can have a fun, lighthearted conversation about something I’m sure is a huge annoyance for many women. And maybe, just maybe, we can make this world a little bit better. Each one teach one right?

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Comment(180)

  1. 1) No it usually isn’t. I just find it odd period, no matter how polite you are about it.

    2) I was at Starbucks on my laptop. There was this guy their who was also on his laptop. As soon as I started packing up to leave he did too. By the time I got to the door he was there and holds it open for me. He must of saw my look of suspicion and said something to the effect of “I’m not trying to follow you” and laughed a little. So now we’re in the parking lot and he’s following me. Then he says ” you got a name?”. I said ” no” kept walking and he says “you got a number?” still walking behind me. I just ran to my car. I thought about it later and realized he was actually handsome and nicely dressed. He might have been a decent guy, but I was put off by the fact that he followed me like that all the way to my damn car. Plus, I’m naturally paranoid and a really small woman so I was definitely pissed by his approach.

    4) Not much, I might be nicer about letting you down, but I just don’t do the random guy thing attractive or unattractive.

    5) never

  2. Sometimes, the way we react is just an automatic defense. A lot of girls start getting the catcalling at a young age like middle school or highschool & usually by older guys. Assuming you’re not the fast type or enjoy it, that can be creepy and make you feel really weird. So by the time you’re older, it’s just like a reflex. I know by the time I got to 18,19 and even 20, I wasn’t even aware of the way I reacted. Even when it came from men my age or cute ones. I would just roll my eyes,ignore it, & keep going on about my business. But now I know there is a difference between certain types of men and the way they go about doing it. So, if you do it the right way, then I might entertain it. It really just depends on what you look like in general, the way you speak, what you say, and most importantly, my mood.

  3. I paraphrased the questions a lil':

    1. Q: Is it ever cool for a stranger to approach you?
    A: Yeah it's cool as long as he's respectful & doesn't touch me.

    2. Q: What was the craziest street interaction you've ever had?
    A: I was on the bus & this guy bent over & loudly whispered in my ear "mar-ry me, MAR-RY ME!"

    3. Q: How much does the man's attractiveness play into your response?
    A: attractiveness shamractiveness, just be respectful & don't touch me.

    4. Q: Was a guy ever successful at a street interaction w/ you?
    A: yeah, only once though. I was walking past a barbershop & this guy came running out asking for my #. I did my usual offering to take his instead, but he didn't act rejected, he started a conversation telling me he was working on his PHD in engineering at the school around the corner & he talked about his family & since I'm in school & big on family – we had that common ground. He was a complete gentleman and I ended up giving him my number in the end, so guys using this approach just need to be themselves.

  4. A male perspective can also be useful in helping bridge the gap. I have an anecdotal experience to share that happened to me recently at Walmart.

    I was wearing my baby blue v neck with a tucked gold chain… I had just did chest and triceps the night before so you could barely see the outline of its rope braid pressed gently against the inside of my shirt by my muscular physique. As I confidently strode down the aisles as if they were part of my own personal bazaar, I passed some peasant-looking chicks and heard a voice call out to me, "Mmmm mmmm. Handsome!"

    Now I usually walk to a beat, but this made me skip a measure. Did some random chick just try to cat call me? As I kept walking, I pondered to myself, "Did she expect me to stop? Why not just approach me normally and engage me in a conversation? This is awkward, should I turn around and wave or something?"

    So you see, maybe the women just want the same courtesy I felt as a man– if you're gonna come, come correct.

    1. I was wearing my baby blue v neck with a tucked gold chain… I had just did chest and triceps the night before so you could barely see the outline of its rope braid pressed gently against the inside of my shirt by my muscular physique. As I confidently strode down the aisles as if they were part of my own personal bazaar, I passed some peasant-looking chicks and heard a voice call out to me, "Mmmm mmmm. Handsome!"

      This put me in that moment. I felt like i was right there. Great description!
      My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

    2. I agree that women can do this just as much, if not more than men. It is disprespectful either way and I think it turns men just as much.

  5. 1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?

    Yes! I almost always respond to men who begin with, "Excuse me…" or something similar. Most who begin with, "Heyyy ma…" or "Smile girl!" may get a glance to let them know I've heard them, but that's about it. I had an encounter nearly turn violent in high school after completely ignoring a guy, so I never simply ignore.

    The primary reason why I believe this is bothersome to most women is because we're often not approached as *people* first. It's usually about some part of my physicality they express they like, which means the woman who passed five minutes ago, or the one a few steps behind me who may also have the same characteristic received the same comment. It makes me think he's just out to collect women based on his preferences.

    2. If you will, can you give us an example of a street interaction that was either disrespectful, scary, offensive (or all of the above) and let us know what about it was particularly off-putting?

    Usually one where something is being demanded. I mentioned above where I'm told to smile, being asked why I can't have friends (or being demanded for an answer to anything in general), having a man verbally demand attention, ect. In the incident I mentioned above, I was a ninth grader taking the public bus home from school when a man sat next to me and said, "You got a man…?" then told me to put his number in my phone. I was three stops behind my usual one but pulled the stop cord anyway, but he blocked with his legs and told me to put his number in my phone again and reached for it. I jumped over his legs, but he was able to snatch my phone away anyway. I didn't try to get my phone back and walked to the front door when he threw the phone at my head. Thankfully he missed.

    About a year ago I had a man walk up very close behind me at an ATM. I don't even remember what he said exactly because his presence alone scared the sh!t out of me. As he walked away he told me to stop being so uptight and he's a nice guy.

    I also have a younger sister who was punched in the mouth for not responding to a man. She was in middle school at the time.

    3. How much does the attractiveness of the man cat calling play into how you respond to it?

    For me, cat calling automatically makes a man off limits. I still do my half-ignore (acknowledging glance) in hopes of not sparking anything negative though. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't find him physically attractive, but how someone treats me is very important to me. I value how I treat others too.

    4. If you have an example of a time when a stranger said something to you on the street that made you more interested in getting to know him, peaked your curiosity or at least caused you to crack a smile, please share it.

    In college I had a guy say as I walked past, "Hey Ashley! Did you finish that bio homework from last week?" I told him my name wasn't Ashley, and I don't have a bio class. He replied he wasn't either, he just couldn't think of anything else to get me to stop, lol.

    Luckily, the older I get the less I get harassed. I don't want to call it an approach so as not to offend the men who do so in a respectful way. A man doesn't necessarily have to be "smooth" or anything (I find nervousness endearing, actually, lol) either, just respectful. I do my best to treat people in general respectfully as well.

    1. I am sorry that happened to your sister. I also know of situations where a woman's rejection sparked a violent reaction. I feel like, on top of all that other BS, now I have to laugh it off or give some bs excuse because there is a real threat to my life because some mofo can't take rejection from a random woman on the street. I can't even just say sorry, no thank you.

  6. Growing up in a house for of women, I would constantly overhear tales of Lame A, B or C who tried to approach them, so it was instilled earlier to never be that guy. Hell I see women being stopped and pitched by someone they aren’t interested in and she’s sitting with that “Why I take this headphone out” face. Looking back, I think the less confident I was the more reckless I was, it was always a silly approach that even in the face of an inevitable curve I made her smile or laugh.

  7. I get the whole element of disrespect as being unattractive, but you mean to tell me if I approach you in the street and say "Excuse me Miss, you are very attractive, would you like to go out/exchange numbers" that's a no-no? Dang when will this foolishness end!!! Just so I'm clear, you won't approach me because of some antiquated social etiquette, but me approaching you is out-of-bounds whenever you say it is. GTFOHWDBS!!! No wonder the black family is on life support! This world needs an enema!!!

    P.S. @Adonis you on point brother as usual, sadly most miss the message due to their vitriol of the messenger!

    1. No, saying "Excuse me Miss, you are very attractive, would you like to go out/exchange numbers" is perfectly fine.

      Referencing a big ass, "good" hair, ect…is not. Also note in your example you're not demanding anything, but asking. Beginning with "Excuse me…" also gives the initial impression that you don't intend to offend (even though that isn't necessarily true for everyone, of course), and you also made your intentions known, i.e. going out.

      Street harassment is just that–harassment. Barring workplaces with super strict fraternizing rules, what you said wouldn't get you in trouble at work. Just about everything I've ever found offensive from men on the street would get them fired in five minutes.

    2. @langwichchartz

      Thanks for reading.

      The great ESPN radio commentator Colin Cowherd said to me.

      In life “Be Great, Or Be Interesting”.

      I strive on a daily to be both.

      It is too boring just to state facts. So, I gotta add some pizzazz to it.

      I am not here to change people’s mind about their POV. Let then think what they wanna.

      If they wanna evolve & be better humans, they will come around to my POV.

      Good Day Bro

    3. One of the main reasons women aren't interested in talking to men on the street that they don't know is the power dynamic between men and women. Men have a lot more power than women do in situations on the street, most likely they are more aggressive (which they might not deem aggressive) and demanding (just like many of the responses above, grabbing, demanding numbers, throwing a cell phone, and physically assaulting women because they were turned down/ignored) and we are told as women to avoid the threat of sexual assault CONSTANTLY. If we are walking around, going to work, going to school, going out for the night and we stopped EVERY time someone asked us for our number or to go out on a date we wouldn't be able to get ANYTHING done!
      Also, personally I would never go out or give my number out because someone flattered me with compliments on my looks. It's a major turn off! I know that I am beautiful, and that I am attractive. Pointing out this to me is sort of redundant and not really a big deal. The only time I have given out my number is when people are interested in what I am doing (volunteering) or we have something in common and are talking casually at a class, or workshop. Stating DAMN you look good, let's date, is not really something that myself and probably many women are interested in basing a relationship on. I'm not opposed to men on the street saying hello, or starting a conversation with me about something other than compliments about my appearance. If they see a pin or a patch on my vest, see me reading something (NOTE: many women do not like being interrupted when they are reading)etc and they polietly started a conversation, that's ok with me. One of my biggest problems is men trying to coerce women into talking, or follow them, or don't pay attention to their body language: ie turning their bodies away, looking uncomfortable, stating they are not interested, saying they have a bf, etc. These are not invitations to keep talking to me, at that point it is HARASSMENT: Unwanted attention. If a woman doesn't want to talk to you, or isn't answering LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Seriously, don't try to manipulate the situation, tell her she's rude, or a bitch. Women are physically assaulted and sexually assaulted, stalked and verbally harassed because they turn men down or ignore them. Who exactly needs the enema Langwichartz? If you approach a woman, she declines, say have a nice day or whatever and don't take it personally.

      1. Ok I get it we should just leave you be and let you initiate interaction….wait most women are still stuck in the 18th century and don't do that!! lol Seriously, I get the whole don't be creepy or disrespectful vibe, but to me some are making it a little more convoluted than that which leads many men to draw the conclusion that no approach is satisfactory. Not trying to be contrary, just pointing out the potential Pandora's Box that can be opened here.

        1. @langwichartz: Your missing the point. No one said you can't speak to a woman walking down the street…especially if you address with a simple "Hello" and a smile.

          The description women on this blog gave for not an unacceptable approach CLEARLY falls under "harassment"…. wouldn't you agree? If your not that guy, and your respectful with your approach..than go for it! But the question still remains: How successful are you at picking up women on the the streets?

          I just think it's a turn off for some women because it's on the street. Women tend to be more comfortable in a controlled environment (.i.e. school, concert, club, church, work, house party, BBQ, etc..).

  8. 1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?

    Everyone is different, but it is one of those situations where I think the best course of action is to think about how it may be perceived by the other person. If you feel confident that you can get your point across in a non-creepy or stalkerish way, then you may be okay. It probably wouldn't sway me, but I am only one person. I try to laugh it off usually. Back in the day you could politely decline, but I remember situations in which women have been shot, or harmed in some other manner, because she declined some sensitive dude's advances.

    2. If you will, can you give us an example of a street interaction that was either disrespectful, scary, offensive (or all of the above) and let us know what about it was particularly off-putting?

    Where can I start? I mean, it is as if the moment you start growing breasts the craziness begins. It could be the men following me a few blocks down the street and yelling things at me, or the scariest are the times when they approach you on the street and you decline, which means it is now open season for them to scream obscenities about how "you ain't that cute anyway" or "f*** you then" or whatever they think will bring you down a peg. When I was younger I didn't understand the logic behind that behavior. You just tried to get my number, but now I am not that cute anyway? Now I realize that it is something within that person that makes them react that way to rejection. Like sweetie, if you acted like an ass over this, what will happen when you face real life rejection? Even though it is just words, I often think those guys have the potential for violence.

    3. How much does the attractiveness of the man cat calling play into how you respond to it?

    Not a factor at all. Just because he's fine, doesn't mean he isn't crazy.

    4. If you have an example of a time when a stranger said something to you on the street that made you more interested in getting to know him, peaked your curiosity or at least caused you to crack a smile, please share it.

    I honestly can't recall any positive interactions right now. I am not saying there haven't been any at all, but none that comes to mind and it definitely doesn't happen that often.

  9. A hustler once said

    “There has only two TRULY free people in America, White Men & Black WOMEN.”

    Ain’t it the truth.

    ——————-

    What is so funny & ironic about this post. Is that, I, am about to go on a “S*xual Harassment” tour, this weekend, in my city.

    I need to tighten up my game. So, if you see me in the streets & you read this blog, let’s chop it up. I’ll be gentle, I promise.

    —————————

    There is so much BULLSH-T & myths in this post, I am chomping at the bit to dispel them all.

    This post is not going to be as agreed upon as the last post .

    But I never got in this blog game for daps, I did it for personal therapeutic reasons.

    ———————–

    Mr. Spradley & Tunde, I want to dap you so badly, but then you get in the phonebooth, you rip open the buttons in the middle of your shirt, but then you put your capes on for these Negr0 Women, when it is totally unnecessary.

    I hope you get compensated nicely. Get your money. I will never hate on a black men for getting his money on. I have a problem with black men who simp for FREE!!!

    —————————————

    1. When the #BlackPowerIsForBlackMen hashtag popped off

    (which BTW, #SoliditaryIsForWhiteWomen was an EXCELLENT hashtag because White Feminists have given Black Feminist a purposeful COLD SHOULDER. But White Feminists will never side with Black Women over their own WHITE MEN. You are an IDIOT if you think otherwise.)

    Someone (H/T Tariq Nasheed) posed a question for Black Feminists & for Mr. Spradley and any other simp that reads this blog today challenging the Myth of Male Privilege .

    The question still stands

    “What can BLACK MEN do, in America, that BLACK WOMEN can’t?”

    There is this idea that Black Men are oppressing Black Women is just laughable.

    Which is weird to me, because in some Black Female circles, you have Black Women & the people in the mainstream media talking about how BW are surpassing BM in many areas.

    Black women are going to the MOON and back.

    I say all that to say this.

    Where in ANY society, the OPPRESSED can fix their face to say that they are doing better than the OPPRESSOR.

    WHERE?

    A. When Black Women are the ones in this society who are more favored economically (because the dominant society is more comfortable with Black Women than Black Men)

    B. Black Women are not being targeted by the police at the extent like Black Men are. They don’t have to worry about leaving their house, as a law-abiding denizens, and NOT coming back alive.

    C. And Black Women have alot more safety nets in this great American society, than Black Men do. When I hit the bricks in New York City around this time of night.

    I see BLACK MEN sleeping on trains & outside over laid-out cardboard boxes.

    I rarely see women of ANY race period sleeping outside.

    You have to be an older, mentally ill woman to have a chance to be sleeping outside.

    Some idiot is going to try to turn being homeless & sleeping outside, a “privilege”.

    White Power!!! 🙂

    ————————————-

    2. S*xual Harassment in my mind, is a privilege for (Black) women. I truly believe that in my heart of hearts.

    Approaching anybody you don’t know takes skill, and small amount of courage, which most women don’t have, and the incentives to approach men are not there.

    If s*xual harassment was truly a big deal for (Black) women. They would put their money together, come together as a collective and tell MEN

    “Don’t Approach Us, We Will Approach You.”

    Since women & simpish men are the one “fake” complaining.

    Otherwise, BE THANKFUL someone finds you worth f**king. The men only gets worse from here.

    You will not always be f**kable. So take full advantage of your dwindling dating options.

    ————————————-

    3. I also truly believe S-xual Harrassment is only about unATTRACTIVE men, or men who are not ATTRACTIVE enough (as @larnelw put it) approaching women.

    Attractive men & women have shown us that, they are allowed “a longer rope” in all areas of society.

    Women are not turning down the men they like, regardless of how poorly the approach was executed.

    ————————————–

    4. If you having romantic problems as a (Black) woman, which alot of Black Women cannot STFU about,

    A. Remember all the men that are languishing in the friend zone.

    B. Remember all the men you CURVED in an on-line forum.

    C. Remember all the men who “S-xually Harassed” you on the street.

    D. Also remember, you can AGGRESSIVELY APPROACH the men you DO like.

    But that would make TOO MUCH sense.

    Very few women work hard when it comes to their ROMANTIC endeavors. Very few.

    Otherwise, there wouldn’t be all these single, disgruntled (black) women out here in American Society.

    So, women in the INTERNET era, have NO excuses for a sh-tty dating career. NONE.

    ——————————–

    5. S-xual Harassment, (as far as the black community is concerned) if it is a problem (which I don’t believe it is). It is a FINANCIAL, FATHERLESS problem.

    A. Financially because BLACK MEN are systematically financially impoverished, more than any other group of people in America. And that impacts how they go about dating, mating & relating with women.

    It is very tough for a BLACK MEN to date broke, given the value system of alot of women. And that impacts their CONFIDENCE LEVEL when interacting with women.

    And black women with their issues do not do us any favors.

    Black Women can date “broke”, for the most part.

    B. It is a FATHERLESS problem, because Black Men are not given present, adequate black fathers to raise them & give them the proper intangibles to be able to interact with women in a beneficial way for both parties.

    Solve these problems, and S-xual harrassment is a non-issue.

    ———————————-

    Good Day.

    P.S. And this week, y’all have been picking great topics for us to fight to the death about.

    Thank You. I appreciate it.

    1. I find your viewpoint disturbing, upsetting and disrespectful. Hopefully not too many men agree,although I’m sure many do. Women, don’t allow yourself to be spoken to this way or thought of this way. You determine your own value, beliefs and opinions don’t let someone shouting the contrary make you second guess yourself.

    2. I just wanna know what else you do in life that allows you to drop comments this long on multiple sites that women frequent…all day. Are you in school? How are your grades? Are you working? How many warnings have you gotten?

      Sorry. I know this is off-topic but I've been wondering for a long time. Never seen someone so passionate about arguing with black women and was wondering how it fits into productive life.
      My recent post Accept Yourself. It’s Good for Your Health. (Or So I’ve Learned)

      1. @Mr. Rich

        With all due respect. Please stop worrying about how I am getting it off in American society.

        All you need to know, is that I am a black male, in New York State, scheming & hustling just like you.

        We are both Pisces, with very different approaches to life. But definitely not ostentatious.

        Good Day

      2. The Same could be said about the authors of these articles and the followers such as yourself who take the time to read these long comments.

        Don’t start simpin for these silly women

        1. So let me make sure I got this correct.

          You run a site called Single Black male, which hails itself as giving the view point of black males. So Adonis, a black male, comments in the section which you allow to be open because you run the site and you personally attack(WHICH IS A FEMALE TRAIT) him because you don't agree with what he posted. Instead of doing the manly and honorable thing and argue the merits of his comment, you go on a personal note in order to defend black women from the ever so dangerous black male internet blogger. So you sold yourself and your site out to defend black women from a dude who said something you disagree with, and not to mention someone who brings traffic to the site that you run that allows it to continue running.

          Classic case of simpin'

          ( Black) male sells himself out for average ( black) female

    3. I found 3, 4 and 5 the funniest out of these and agree with them; save for 4D.

      3) Women complain about not being able to find a good man but them complain about how men either not reaching all of their criteria and, NOW, about men even approaching them on the street. I mean come on.
      I believe I shared before how back in my college days there was a program on campus where some woman (who happens to be lesbian) came to the campus talking about how men shouldn't approach women in public or even look at them past a short momentary glance. That if a woman ws interested in a man she should go tell him that and only then should he be able to talk to her. GTFOOHWTBS!!!!!

      4) I disagree with 4D in that a) we know that most women would never feel comfortable approaching a man. Most have no idea how difficult if can even be [to approach somone you're interested in] and b) it, at least in my experience, has been talked about ad nauseam about how men don't take women seriously when they had to do no work to attain that woman/relationship

      5) TOO DAMN TRUE!!! We all here have been a part of conversations where women spoke about not being willing to date even a dude that makes less than them. Let a woman have a career and meet a dude talking about he is living at home with his parents while working a part time job and going back to school in pursuit of his Masters. That is almost an instant elimination for many women out there. But the reverse is fully acceptable.

    4. “What can BLACK MEN do, in America, that BLACK WOMEN can’t?”

      Walk down the street without fear of being yelled at, disrespected, groped, followed, accosted, violently assaulted simply for not acknowledging and oh, that pesky rape/sexual assault thing.

      With that said (& apologies for the interruptionin intelligent discourse, but) F*CK YOU, F*CK everyone that agrees with you, and F*CK this entire thread of p*ssy- @ss babies crying about the last girl that wouldn’t give them the time of day. The fact that we no longer respond to men in the street isn’t borne of privilege it is born of FEAR, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. If your peers didn’t follow me home at least once a week I might have the courage to give larnelw a shot. If it weren’t for your peers throwing a bottle at my head because I refused to smile on command after my FATHER died I might have given Jamal a pass. If it weren’t for the woman in my family that was raped in an alley just because she was rushing past to get milk for her crying child I MIGHT have given Tyrone the time of day. You will NEVER, EVER EVER understand what a f*cking world of worry goes on in my head walking from the train station after dark and quite frankly, I’m f*cking tired of hearing your bullsh*t. GET OVER YOURSELF AND GET A LIFE. We are not responsible for what the women in your family did to you, so please, just go to damn therapy

      1. @Maris

        @Maris

        “What can BLACK MEN do, in America, that BLACK WOMEN can’t?”

        This question is brilliant isn’t it. H/T @TariqNasheed

        Walk down the street without fear of being yelled at, disrespected, groped, followed, accosted, violently assaulted simply for not acknowledging

        Technically, The police harasses black men in similar ways. Also, we have regular citizens on the BS too (See: The Zimmerman Trial)

        and oh, that pesky rape/sexual assault thing.

        Black men get raped too. As kids & in prison.

        Again, the idea that BM are a privilege group is extremely false.

        BW just work overtime trying to convince us otherwise.

        Your problems that involve “s*xism” is the disease of a broken community. No strong male leadership. AND NO BLACK PATRIARCHY. Smh.

        We have issues stemming from Slavery, RACISM & economic deprivation. Not s*xism. Not Rape Culture. BS.

        All these were actual, documented systems in place to undermine black men & women.

        There is no system in place where black men can do things to black women and get away with it.

        Not in the way George Zimmerman got acquitted sense.

        —————

        If Black Male Privilege was a real, tangible, beneficial thing, I would extend some of my “privileges” to you. But you are your cohorts are living on fantasy island.

        With that said (& apologies for the interruptionin intelligent discourse, but) F*CK YOU, F*CK everyone that agrees with you, and F*CK this entire thread of p*ssy- @ss babies crying about the last girl that wouldn’t give them the time of day.

        1. I don’t F*CK for free.

        2. I am glad you realize people with [email protected] are inferior people. Since you tried to insult me & other men by calling me one.

        3. Dudes gotta vent somewhere. The “PRIVILEGE” (sarcastically speaking) of women is that it is okay to vent, not be shamed for it.
        While men are venting on-line, most likely they are not harassing/assaulting/r-ping women. Isn’t that a good thing?

        The fact that we no longer respond to men in the street isn’t borne of privilege it is born of FEAR, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

        If White JESUS can walk on water @Maris, you can work through your fears. Especially when I am prowling for hot tail.

        If your peers didn’t follow me home at least once a week I might have the courage to give larnelw a shot. If it weren’t for your peers throwing a bottle at my head because I refused to smile on command after my FATHER died I might have given Jamal a pass. If it weren’t for the woman in my family that was raped in an alley just because she was rushing past to get milk for her crying child I MIGHT have given Tyrone the time of day.

        Carry a taser, pepper spray & learn from basic self-defense techniques.

        Also, get some male protection. That would mean that you have to pick better men to associate with.

        But those men are boring & unattractive, right?

        How come the woman in your family to go out to get that milk.

        Was she a dusty single mom?

        There were no males around? Was he at work?

        I see poor planning.

        Poor planning bites you in the tush sometimes.

        It is a cold, cruel world out here @Maris, you have to be prepared.

        Law of the Jungle
        Survival of the Fittest

        And since we all agree that “good” black men are not the business. Be thankful for the brutes, the rapists, & the thugs.

        These are the men, black women are giving their box to. Freedom always come with the price.

        It is time to collect.

        You will NEVER, EVER EVER understand what a f*cking world of worry goes on in my head walking from the train station after dark

        Get some money and run to a gated upscale community. You are an intelligent girl. Life is not that hard. But you gotta work for what matters in life.

        and quite frankly, I’m f*cking tired of hearing your bullsh*t. GET OVER YOURSELF AND GET A LIFE.

        Damb.

        We are not responsible for what the women in your family did to you, so please, just go to damn therapy

        Point Taken!

        Good Day @Maris. Thanks for playing.

        1. @ maris
          You are amazing! Great response. Adonis is clearly confused about A LOT that is going on in this world. Intersectionality is alive and well, meaning that ALL forms of oppression intersect and effect each of the oppressed groups. One group does not suffer more or less than the other: sexism, racism, transphobia, classism, etc. Furthermore, each group has certain privileges that others do not. Meaning, black men have more power than black women in many ways, but not in all. While you do state that black men are raped, the majority black men who are raped are black gay men, or black men in prison (which is a whole other issue in itself because black men are incarcerated at a rate much higher than other demographics of people) , and black children have less power than men. But if you look the statistics it is OBVIOUS that women (as a whole) are raped MUCH MORE than men are. Does that mean we are ignoring it when stating "Women are raped" NOPE we are simply responding to the threat of sexual assault when trying to live our lives. All injustice and violence inflicted on anyone is absolutely horrible but what you are doing is called derailing a conversation. Rather than trying to understand women you are dismissing their experiences to push your own agenda, which is very unfortunate.

        2. "Rather than trying to understand women you are dismissing their experiences to push your own agenda, which is very unfortunate."

          This is my beef. I can take criticism and I'm constantly trying to see all sides. I'm not always looking for an amen corner…you don't grow that way. But, this…trying to understand all sides…is not reciprocated At.All. by some of the men who frequent the comment section. It's so counterproductive and ineffective. Sometimes, they're on point with some points but when they are bugging out…like dag near this whole week…they go hard!!!!

        3. @Brandie

          One, there is no SYSTEM in place where black men assault black women and can get away with it.

          If he got away with it. It was because he planned his crime and/or he got lucky. But it wasn’t because our justice system didn’t wanna prosecute him. We are talking about black men. Not white men.

          There is no Black Supremacy.

          Most of these dysfunctional black males you speak, mostly come out of single parent homes, no immediate male influence. Which raises the question can single mothers collectively raise decent black male human beings by themselves in a racist white society. At this point, it is a no.

          Hence why guys like me & other throw single moms all the way under the damb bus. Can’t pick an adequate male to mate with & can’t raise a male to at least be decent.

          But to answer the question, the only difference between black men & black women are the fact we have different genitals.

          Nothing more, nothing less. But yet, let black women tell it, our life experiences exceed black women’s. and we have special privileges that you don’t, which is malarkey.

          What you really want is the patriarchal benefits that white women have without submitting to any kind of authority.

          Because if most black men were invested in a thriving patriarchy, the dysfunctional black males would see the grave so fast.

          But since, there is no collective legacy building, women are not seriously advocating for it.

          A Black woman’s life & womb hovers around the value of a black man’s life, which is close to little to no value, depending on context.

          Good day.

        4. "One, there is no SYSTEM in place where black men assault black women and can get away with it.

          If he got away with it. It was because he planned his crime and/or he got lucky. But it wasn't because our justice system didn't wanna prosecute him. We are talking about black men. Not white men."

          When speaking of rape, for the most part the importance is not to address it as a black/white issue in regarding to men raping women. It's a MEN raping WOMEN issue. The fact that you are trying to turn the tables and say that if a black man rapes a black woman and gets away with it there is no system put in place for that to support it., is pretty mind numbing. Are you aware of the statistics, effects that victim blaming has on women (men and children) reporting rape, having a rape kit done after the traumatizing event- being traumatized all over again while having it done, etc etc effects and how those instances effect those statistics? No one is saying that black men have a system that supports the high numbers of rapes being committed against black women. Not really sure where you came up with that
          54 % of rapes go unreported. 97% of rapists wont spend one day in jail. 207,754 victims of sexual assault a year.
          Regardless of race, sexual assault victims are shamed, questioned and assumed to be over reacting, exaggerating or making up their stories. Thus the inadequate arrest, prosecution and incarceration of men (OF ANY RACE) who have sexually assaulted someone.

          "Most of these dysfunctional black males you speak, mostly come out of single parent homes, no immediate male influence. Which raises the question can single mothers collectively raise decent black male human beings by themselves in a racist white society. At this point, it is a no.

          Hence why guys like me & other throw single moms all the way under the damb bus. Can't pick an adequate male to mate with & can't raise a male to at least be decent.

          But to answer the question, the only difference between black men & black women are the fact we have different genitals."

          This is just fucking hate speech right here, blaming black women for the inadequacies of black men. Saying that it is THEIR responsibility to raise strong black men when a black man walked out on them, or it didn't work out or what have you? That is sexism at it's core. Black men should hold OTHER black men accountable for their actions not women. I'm not even going to get into this because this comment is so ignorant I can't even comprehend then about of ignorance that it is intertwined with.
          And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
          And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
          Cause sista you don't need him
          And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
          You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
          When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
          And since we all came from a woman
          Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
          I wonder why we take from our women
          Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
          I think it's time to kill for our women
          Time to heal our women, be real to our women
          And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
          That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
          And since a man can't make one
          He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
          So will the real men get up
          I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up -Tupac

      2. @Brandie

        Decent response. You sputtered out in the end

        “One, there is no SYSTEM in place where black men assault black women and can get away with it.
        If he got away with it. It was because he planned his crime and/or he got lucky. But it wasn’t because our justice system didn’t wanna prosecute him. We are talking about black men. Not white men.”

        When speaking of rape, for the most part the importance is not to address it as a black/white issue in regarding to men raping women. It’s a MEN raping WOMEN issue. The fact that you are trying to turn the tables and say that if a black man rapes a black woman and gets away with it there is no system put in place for that to support it., is pretty mind numbing. Are you aware of the statistics, effects that victim blaming has on women (men and children) reporting rape, having a rape kit done after the traumatizing event- being traumatized all over again while having it done, etc etc effects and how those instances effect those statistics? No one is saying that black men have a system that supports the high numbers of rapes being committed against black women. Not really sure where you came up with that
        54 % of rapes go unreported. 97% of rapists wont spend one day in jail. 207,754 victims of sexual assault a year.
        Regardless of race, sexual assault victims are shamed, questioned and assumed to be over reacting, exaggerating or making up their stories. Thus the inadequate arrest, prosecution and incarceration of men (OF ANY RACE) who have sexually assaulted someone.

        1. Stop taking RACE out of it, because shape everything in this country. So does GENDER. Which is more universal.

        What I am reading from your posts, it that the CRIME itself is a hard to prosecute crime, especially if there is no video/audio evidence. Because in this country, you are innocent until proven guilty, burden of proof is on the prosecution, etc.

        And then, as a woman who is s*xually assaulted & traumatized, it is quite difficult to get a conviction.

        But still their is no system that favors rapists.

        Also, some of your stats are questionable. Because some of the people compiling the rape stats lacked a pure heart & wanted to push an agenda of fear.

        Also, I hate to bring this up, feminists don’t stress to persecute women who falsely accuse men of rape, aka Brian Banks.

        Because let us assume, that false rape accusation are infinitesimal, which I don’t believe that.

        When it hits the media, that is all we talk about, and it hurts women & men. And it deflects from the seriousness of LEGIT rape victim.

        That is why Todd Akin, had to differentiate when he spoke of rape.

        So, the people in YOUR corner @Brandie. Don’t want the rape thing to stop, because it is an excellent hustle, to get laws passed, money in the pocket, etc.

        While women like yourself & Brian Bank get the shaft.

        You gotta stay woke.

        “Most of these dysfunctional black males you speak, mostly come out of single parent homes, no immediate male influence. Which raises the question can single mothers collectively raise decent black male human beings by themselves in a racist white society. At this point, it is a no.
        Hence why guys like me & other throw single moms all the way under the damb bus. Can’t pick an adequate male to mate with & can’t raise a male to at least be decent.
        But to answer the question, the only difference between black men & black women are the fact we have different genitals.”

        This is just fucking hate speech right here, blaming black women for the inadequacies of black men. Saying that it is THEIR responsibility to raise strong black men when a black man walked out on them, or it didn’t work out or what have you? That is sexism at it’s core. Black men should hold OTHER black men accountable for their actions not women. I’m not even going to get into this because this comment is so ignorant I can’t even comprehend then about of ignorance that it is intertwined with.

        And when he tells you you ain’t nuttin don’t believe him
        And if he can’t learn to love you you should leave him
        Cause sista you don’t need him
        And I ain’t tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
        You know it makes me unhappy (what’s that)
        When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
        And since we all came from a woman
        Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
        I wonder why we take from our women
        Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
        I think it’s time to kill for our women
        Time to heal our women, be real to our women
        And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
        That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
        And since a man can’t make one
        He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
        So will the real men get up
        I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up -Tupac

        I didn’t know that there was a TUPAC shield. A TUPAC shield.

        I thought you would use the HARRIET TUBMAN shield. Lol.

        And I thought men & women were equals. There is no such thing as sexism if men & women are equally capable. RIGHT?

        But as soon as women fail in a certain area, men are at fault.

        If TuPac was alive, I promise you, his argument about this topic would evolve, especially if he saw all the ratchet women & dusty dudes.

        UPDATE: He actually did encourage women to have some agency. And then told men not police women s*xually.

        But his argument would evolve in 2013

        1. You have black women picking inadequate men to procreate at the expense of,

        – The stability of the child
        – any future male suitors (because I don’t take single mothers seriously)
        – And the mother’s well being

        So, it would be one thing if ALL black men were

        – deadbeats to their children &
        – didn’t wanna commit to one woman & invest in her.

        But further investigation we realize that women target certain men that hurt them in the long-term.

        That is not a male problem.
        That is a personal choice problem.

        The poor choices that women DON’T want to take full responsibility for.

        Even though they push for freedom. And use TUPAC’s verse as justification.

        Even though they ask NOT to be policed s*xually.

        @Brandie

        there is no rebuttal for choosing irresponsible & inadequate men to procreate with.

        That is something that single mothers have to live with for the rest of their lives, when they have to raise children inadequately ON THEIR OWN.

        And BLACK WOMEN especially, ARE ON THEIR OWN.

        Own it with pride.

        Good Day!

    5. Not that anybody really cares, but I just want to note that bullsh*t like this is why I've decreased my commenting/readership so much. I love the SBM fam a whole lot, and a lot of y'all have become real life friends — but I'm tired of having my identity thrown under the bus over and over again in the comments section just for some attention or because <insert guy here> refuses to deal with the fact that Tanisha didn't respond to them or whatever the f*ck else – and then other hurt fake nice guys pile on and cosign. I'm sorry they hurt you. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences. But we've all had them and we all learn to deal. I just can't continue to engage with people who seem to not respect my basis as an individual.

    6. I finally get it. Black women I deeply apologize for my denial of black power is for black men. It’s clear to me now. I hereby announce my informal alliance with self haters like Adonis and 12 point.

      I see that black men are scum. We can’t do anything right. If we speak to you in your attention seeking , tight dress , 6 inch heel wearing, loud red dress we are thirsty or street harassing. An d of we DON’T speak then we are self haters who don date black women. And let me add to this list of undesirable traits of black men
      :
      We are homosexual or downlow
      We don’t have jobs and when we do it’s not prestigious enough
      We don’t have personal vehicles and when we do it isn’t flashy enough
      We have too many kids
      We don’t take care of our kids
      We not tall enough
      Not enough swag
      Cheaters
      Liars
      Woman beaters
      And now most of all BLACKPOWER IS FOR BLACK MEN

      I also denounce those liars Louis Farrakhan, Tavis Smiley and Cornel West who have put their persons, images, and wealth on the line talking about the injustice black men have suffered. I see now that it was all a lie, because the black man is ALL POWERFUL in this country. This is evident in the unemployment rates, murder, discrimination and sexism all caused by the black man.
      I get it and I apologize for these weak men.

      BUT I am all about solutions. And I think what each and every black woman who feels black power is for black men should date interacially and cut off all unnescceaary communication with black men. Because apparently a great number of black men walking the streets are out for the sole purpose to rape black women in broad daylight As so many of you have commented.
      This street harassment epidemic is just one of the many dysfunctions of the power of black men and I think that you all should no longer stand for it. Abandon black men.

      Not to mention non black men are so awesome

      They like the idea of marrying a group of women who are statistically overweight and unhealthy

      They like marrying never married or divorced women Over 30 with multiple kids by multiple men

      They are tall, with Nice cars and lots of money
      They have NEVER cheated on a woman
      They can’t wait to find a strong independent woman
      They have NEVER been known to rape women
      And perhaps most importantly they are against the infallible power structure that black men have built up in this country.

      So please by all means, you don’t have to be loyal to us any longer , no more evil For Colored Girls black beast in your life

      CUZ WE ALL KNOW NIGGAS AIN’T SHIT

  10. I’m sorry but I hate how some men act like they don’t know what harassment is or try to make it seem like street harassment is some double standard between attractive men and ugly men.

    Yes I’ve been harassed on the street before . I’ve had a group of guys follow me down 125th one yelling ” ayo ma, I know ya man ain’t f***ing you like I can “. It wasn’t until an older gentleman stepped in and told them to chill out that they left me alone.

    I don’t have an issue with someone politely coming up to me and trying to speak to me, but be mindful that just because your polite doesn’t mean I have to respond or entertain you.

    Also stop brining up the whole ” o if your attracted to him you don’t care of he street harasses you” BS. First of all no woman wants to be harassed by a man she fines attractive or non attractive . And even if she does respond to the ” cat calls ” of a attractive man, so what that doesn’t give you the right to proceeded and think your owed a response from her because she gave the other dude a response.

    1. @kitkat& smilez, ladies I’m curious to know how u would go about this if the roles were reversed?? What would be your ways if women had the be the aggressor? I understand no one wants to be harassed at all, but some women consider harassment to be a different meaning than other women. As a single black male I can tell u that the first interactions between black men and women are a crapshoot…very unpredictable! I’ve seen respectful brothers approach women and get looked at like they were scum. I’ve seen men not handle rejection well also. Please share your ideology on this ladies! # interested

      1. I have approached men before with mixed results. I've experienced rejection, but I've also experienced men who, based on my approaching them, thought I was some sexually Sometimes, when I've liked a guy, I've sent a letter, or a Facebook note. These situations haven't yielded anything lasting, but I try anyway, on occasion.aggressive woman and only saw me in one light. I say that to let you know that I KNOW that the approach can be difficult.

        Nowhere in my response to Adonis did I state my viewpoint on street harassment. I simply wanted to make clear that I disagreed with HIS views on street harassment, and that I hope not too many men agree and NO women take it seriously.

        If I WERE to state my own opinions on street harassment, I would say there is nothing harassing about saying, "Excuse me", "Pardon me", or any other accepted pleasantry before engaging in legitimate conversation and propositioning. Over the course of living in NYC, I have given my name and number to several men I've met "on the street", because I agree, that it is a place to meet people, just as is the club, a coffee shop, the grocery store, etc. None of those relationships ever lasted, however, because often meeting people "on the street" is too superficial, only based on looks, and once you get to know the person, you find out you were incompatible. Other meeting places, like the book store, or an organic market, or a music festival automatically give you more in common with the person than just approaching them "on the street", but hey, you never know, so I don't discourage that.

        Now I HAVE been approached disrespectfully on the street. I don't pay too much attention to the "smile, girl", or "DANG!" comments. Those are just background noise to be expected on the streets. But I have had men follow me on the subway, try to follow me home, etc. I've had to walk past cops to lose people, or jump off of a subway car and then back on at the last second to get rid of them. These situations don't make me feel safe, and they DEFINITELY qualify as street harassment.

        Adonis seems to think that there is no such thing as street harassment, and that no matter what, even if being disrespected, women should be happy and PROUD that they're still deemed fu*kable by any random dude on the street, because our days are limited and our worth is minimal. This is a ridiculous viewpoint.

      2. Mr. 2 cent

        If roles were reversed I more than likely wouldn’t try to holla while you were walking (especially if you look like you’re in a rush) on the street. Now if for some reason I do choose to try and talk to you on the street, the first thing I’m going to say is “Excuse me”, if you choose to pay attention great, if for some reason you don’t turn around, that’s fine your loss. If you do choose to pay attention “The conversation can go from can I have a few seconds of your time etc…” If you decline or aren’t interested, I’ll smile and keep pushing.

    2. I have never seen Smilez so passionate!!!

      I’m sorry but I hate how some men act like they don’t know what harassment is or try to make it seem like street harassment is some double standard between attractive men and ugly men.

      First of all. Ugly =/= Unattractive.
      Handsome =/= Attractive.

      That is why I specifically use that term “attractive” and all of its derivatives.

      But it is all about attraction, nothing more, nothing less.

      And sometimes, the approach helps or hurts the attraction.

      But as you stated, it doesn’t matter how great the approach was, that does not guarantee a favorable response. Right?

      Basically added fire to my point.

      Yes I’ve been harassed on the street before . I’ve had a group of guys follow me down 125th one yelling ” ayo ma, I know ya man ain’t f***ing you like I can “. It wasn’t until an older gentleman stepped in and told them to chill out that they left me alone.

      I stepped to pregnant women like that myself. You do not have to use condoms with pregnant women, which is a good thing.

      And as far as the older simp, it proves the point that, in the Black Community, male leadership is needed. And he shouldn’t have done that unless he knew you were going to drop draws.

      You don’t want “good” men, so what are you left with?

      I don’t have an issue with someone politely coming up to me and trying to speak to me, but be mindful that just because your polite doesn’t mean I have to respond or entertain you.

      I agree, that is why I am not polite. I just shoot from the lip. Be thankful, I am approaching.

      Also stop brining up the whole ” o if your attracted to him you don’t care of he street harasses you” BS. First of all no woman wants to be harassed by a man she fines attractive or non attractive .

      Yea, yea. Sure, Sure. You can run that game on @Mr Spradley, he’ll buy what you are selling.

      And even if she does respond to the ” cat calls ” of a attractive man, so what that doesn’t give you the right to proceeded and think your owed a response from her because she gave the other dude a response.

      Life is not fair. That’s cool. I see most of today’s women as community property, so I am a bit disappointed when a girl says no.

      I get your point tho.

      1. Adonis – You seemed very entitled. When I mentioned a “favorable response” I mean as a man you might approach and not get any play.

        Also Even if you are polite in your approach, I o have the right not decline or God forbid like any other human being I might not be having a good day, I have the right to just keep it moving and not say anything at all.

  11. I may make myself out to be the bad guy today but I have to call bull(bleep) on this post today. Like come on? Seriously?

    ***Let me begin by making it clear that I in NO WAY condone or support any violent, rude or disrespectful interaction of a man towards a woman. Be that in physical contact or verbal. This includes comments like "Psst!", "Yo ma", "Babygurl wassup", or any other childish approaches like that***

    That said….I find this label of "street harassment" to be total crap. Here is why;
    – You/We generally all agree that women should NOT chase after men. That doing so will likely end up in a man that doesn't truly take that woman (or those women) seriously.
    – A dude is lame if his entire dating life revolves around women he can pick up via the internet
    – You don't want a dude to even respectfully approach you in public if he notices you in passing.

    So exactly how are people supposed to find each other? If a man sees you in passing and wants to approach you he is wrong? What is he supposed to do? Hope and pray that the sun, moon and stars align so that you and he magically end up again in the same place where you accidently bump into each other and you give him that half second glance you women do that says, "Okay. NOW you are allowed to say 'Hi'"?
    Nah…you want a man to court you? You want a man to be a man and approach you? Then yall are going to have to suck this one up.

    1. @larnelw

      Agreed. It is not like women have to actually work to get laid & for those that do, you see they can be just as desperate & clumsy, when dealing with the opposite s*x.

      But because collectively women get it so easily, there is lack of appreciation & blatant entitlement.

      So, I just tell them, to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

    2. There's a huuuuge gap between street harrassment and general approaching. Generally that marker is the respect level given in the approach and/or in the rejection, if that happens. If you (I'm speaking generally here not at you specifically) can't figure that balance out, then you're doing too much.

      1. Perhaps I am reading the post wrong but I have taken it as saying that men approaching women on the street in any manner is "Street Harassment". I took its as sort of an umbrella labelling that includes both respectful and disresepctful attempts. Even the first question to the ladies;
        "1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?"
        … furthers that feeling.

        Also past experience with this subject has me a little hostile towards it. I posted about it in another reply;
        "I believe I shared before how back in my college days there was a program on campus where some woman (who happens to be lesbian) came to the campus talking about how men shouldn't approach women in public or even look at them past a short momentary glance. That if a woman ws interested in a man she should go tell him that and only then should he be able to talk to her. GTFOOHWTBS!!!!!"

        1. That lady is stupid. lol. And approaching and street harrassment aren't one and the same.

          My current man approached me in public. He was respectful, nice, charming, and offered to walk me home (I said no, cuz momma didn't raise no fool, and I had no idea if he was a serial killer yet). We started communicating, and went from there. that was over 3 years ago.

          Dating requires a whole lot of luck, no matter where you approach. Not everyone is going to respond kindly. I get that. I also get that men have to deal with a lot of rejection in the pursuit hustle, so I try to be as nice as possible — as long as you approach me as a person should treat another human being and understand that I am not obligated to return your affections. There's not a secret code here.

        2. Thats all I'm fighting for for my brethren out there still trying LOL. The right to "attempt" to see if something can be. If she say "No", "Not interested", "Thank you but no thank you" or any other rejection I too expect him to suck it up, show her respect and let her go about her business. But the ATTEMPT….yuo can't fault a respectful man for trying.

    3. "So exactly how are people supposed to find each other?"

      I feel you, but I think a pretty fair argument can be made that besides a street corner, there are plenty of other opportunities and environments for men and women to interact, where expressing interest is more a bit more apropos.

      1. That sounds good in a perfect world where you could rest assured that you will see each other again. But we don't live in any thing even remotely resembles a perfect world. There are people living in our very neighborhoods that we have never seen or crossed paths with.
        So if a man sees a woman that captures his attention walking down the street "plenty of other opportunities and environments" isn't going to fly as a good reason he has to let this woman go without at least attempting to say, "Excuse me. Hello. My name is…"

        1. Right so… here —> So if a man sees a woman that captures his attention walking down the street "plenty of other opportunities and environments" isn't going to fly as a good reason he has to let this woman go …

          … is where the privilege kicks in a bit. That she is attractive and that (unbeknownst to her) you have the best of intentions, doesn't mean that you are entitled to a conversation with her. But that wasn't the point I was making anyway.

          The point I was making was that much of what you're saying seems to be based on this idea that if we completely remove the option of meeting women randomly on the street, the only other medium through which men and women can meet is on the internet. I got that from these statements:

          "- You/We generally all agree that women should NOT chase after men. That doing so will likely end up in a man that doesn't truly take that woman (or those women) seriously.

          – A dude is lame if his entire dating life revolves around women he can pick up via the internet

          – You don't want a dude to even respectfully approach you in public if he notices you in passing."

          My point is, there are plenty of places to meet women, besides the street. Even if we somehow took the extreme measure of deciding, as a people, that it was no longer acceptable for strangers to talk on the street, you'd probably still be able to find someone to spend your life with, if that's what you decided you wanted.

        2. I think you are misunderstanding me. I am not saying that a man should ever feel entitled to a conversation. But I am saying he should not be made to feel wrong for attempting to start one……in any setting. So if a man sees a woman he likes about to cross the street he should have every right to respectfully try to speak to her. If she declines….fine. Well within her right and I wouldn't expect him to do anything but accept her decision. Its the attempt I'm talking about. We shouldn't be told we are wrong or harassing simply for trying to make a connection.

          And you are right. There are many places to meet people. BUT you can't control when and where you will meet everyone. Some paths will only be crossed once. Thats one chance to see if a "Hello" can turn into something. Can't fault anyone for trying. Never know where a road will lead till you take that first step.

        3. ‘I am not saying that a man should ever feel entitled to a conversation. But I am saying he should not be made to feel wrong for attempting to start one……in any setting.”

          You are not wrong for trying to start a conversation, however you may be wrong for assuming that because you’re trying to start a conversation that I have to respond or continue the conversation. I mean what happen to people looking at body language or context clues. I mean if you approach someone and their not giving you eye contact or it looks like their trying to continue on their way… LEAVE THEM ALONE. .. even if you were polite, if they’re not interested politely LEAVE THEM ALONE.

          When most women share their street harassment stories, they are not talking about men who approached them correctly, were polite or men who respected their wishes and left them alone after approaching.

        4. But you realize you just said the same thing I said.

          You just said – "You are not wrong for trying to start a conversation, however you may be wrong for assuming that because you’re trying to start a conversation that I have to respond or continue the conversation."

          I said – "I am not saying that a man should ever feel entitled to a conversation"

          Lets continue,

          You said – "I mean if you approach someone and their not giving you eye contact or it looks like their trying to continue on their way… LEAVE THEM ALONE. "

          I said – "If she declines….fine. Well within her right and I wouldn't expect him to do anything but accept her decision."

          So I'm a bit lost at your response seeing as you only repeated what I already said lol

        5. @larnelw: If she doesn't respond to your "hello", then hey – it just wasn't meant to be *shrugs* The "right" woman won't fault you for trying. Focus on the positive women & you'll notice there are a lot more out there than you think.

        6. I'm lost as to why yall keep addressing the idea of rejection when I VERY CLEARLY said that if a man attempts to say hello and she is not receptive that he should respect her decision and let her go about her way.

  12. The only time a guy has ever peaked my interest on the street was a long time ago. I was walking and had come to a stop, probably to look at something. He said "Excuse me?". So I turned around (and probably didn't look too pleasant either). All he said was "You're very beautiful." Then he WALKED AWAY after I said thank you. I was so dumbfounded. Also, pretty devastated. He was very attractive. I just couldn't seem to find my voice. After you hear a collabo of:
    "You're too pretty to not be smiling Ma."
    " Smile with your pretty self."
    "What did he do? I'll kill him! (Because I guess I always look sour and mad when I walk the street.)"
    Or
    "Sexy chocolate… Can I talk to you for a minute?"
    Or my new personal favorite
    "Hey Slim Goody."
    You can be somewhat shocked when someone approaches you respectfully, gives you a compliment and doesn't expect something (like your #) in return. I have been cursed out and followed down the street. I cannot imagine that men find that OK. Not when the woman didn't initiate anything, anyway.

  13. 1) Yes. Preferably, if I'm not walking briskly and I"m 'stopped' somewhere, ie; in line, its okay to start up a conversation. I like it when a man introduces himself to me first before telling me I look good or asking me personal questions or just talking. Then, I"m not asked to give info to a stranger, but rather "Mike" or "Jamal" or whatever his name is. This doesn't mean I'm going to give you my number. But I won't give you the evil eye either.

    2) I'm not a big runner but I love to walk. When I go walking outside, I am careful to wear a long tee-shirt and capris (anything NOT tight) because men like to slow down in their cars and stare or roll down their windows. Nothing wrong with appreciating a woman's looks but when you stare for longer than a minute or follow me back to my complex (true story—I told the guy I wasn't interested on the street and he followed me back to my complex….luckily left me alone when I got close to the leasing office), I get scared!!! I'm 5'4 and a buck thirty. Kidnappers slow down their cars and follow women right before they snatch them!

    3) I've had attractive guys do it once or twice. While I was physically attracted to the guy, I was mentally uncomfortable with how he approached and saw that as a "red flag." I can't speak for all women, but I get used to how a guy "looks" real quick. I need to feel emotionally and physically safe with you in addition to feeling respected. Not only will that you get my number, but my full attention and interest as well.

    4) I was at a grad school picnic and my more courageous associate saw a group of guys laughing and having a good conversation. She said, "Let's go see what they're talking about." So we walked up and introduced ourselves. Engaged in a group convo. As we were leaving, one of them came over to me and said "You seem cool, we should keep in touch." We'd already had introductions and intelligent conversation, so the follow-up felt natural and not forced. I didn't feel put on the spot. We went on a few dates, no sparks. But 7 years later (we met in 2006) we still keep in touch as friends. I even use him as a reference for jobs.

    Final points:
    **Rejection isn't the end of the world. I've been rejected and I'm still healthy and happy 🙂 I'm always amused when a guy gets huffy and puffy when a I decline his advances. Dude, I'm a stranger!!! I am NOT the only woman in the world. If I don't think I'm worth your anger, why do you? *cues* Pharcyde, "Otha Fish."

    **It's SO hard to generate a connection with someone of the opposite sex out of thin air. I get it. Which goes back to my first point. Introduce yourself. Does she have a keychain or bag with her school on it? Talk about that. Ask for the time or directions, then parlay that into a convo about where you are headed. You don't necessarily have to 'tell' her you think she's attractive. Show her by smiling. Maintain eye (not breast or butt) contact.

  14. I certainly can understand why women would be turned off by this behavior, especially when 1. it can be a daily (or multiple times a day) occurrence/annoyance and 2. if the guy is belligerent, he probably has a considerable strength advantage over her .

    But how do we reconcile this with the fact that many women resolutely refuse to ever approach a man?

    1. I think the short answer many women will provide is to "just be respectful and polite on the approach and understand all interactions just won't go your way." Or in other words, come at her correct (whatever that means) and if you get rejected you just got to charge it to the game, lol.

    2. I truly understand how it can be an annoyance to women. Being a weightlifter, some women feel very comfortable making silly comments (see 12 Point Buck's comment), and they feel free to touch my chest, arms, abs, and the bolder ones, my butt. I've been disrespectfully approached by [email protected] men on multiple occasions in the locker room, while half dressed and undressed. And it is not nearly as bad for me as women, because it doesn't happen as often, and with 18-inch arms, there is no threat of physicality against me.

      So I understand women's point of view, but seriously, how is a guy supposed to approach you when the line between approaching and harassment depends on the woman's subjective opinion?

      1. I think where you approach is also important. The street vs. a supermarket for example… Many women are already going to be defensive in certain spaces (eg: on the street on their way to work). and yes it is subjective. It doesn't seem fair, but it's just how it is.

        I also want to note that it's not okay for someone to disrespect you either… People just need to keep their dang hands to themselves and not touch others! Even if there's no threat of physicality. That probably doesn't need to be said… But I'm gon' say it anyway.

        1. But you can't control when and where you notice someone who captures your attention. Lets face it, people are out here almost desperate to find love. The right person for you can be anywhere. So why add extra hurdles to the pursuit? Sometimes you see someone in passing. You may never cross their path again. Thats your chance. Do you let it go or say Hello?

        2. You seriously need to get this in your head- stop creeping on women on the streets!
          Do you do anything else besides wander the streets looking for someone to capture your attention. Go to a potter class, community circle for black people your age in your area, volunteer, join a book club, go to a comic book store, take a cooking class. HELL, match.com has mixers where you don't talk to anyone on line and just show up in a room together (ALL SINGLE Looking to mingle)

        3. You should not have even wasted your time posting this contradictory, nonsensical tomfoolery.

          1) NO WHERE did I say anything about walking the streets looking for women. I said seeing someone in passing. Every visually enabled human being who has left their home has seen someone in passing who they were visually attracted to. Wanting to say "Hello" and hopefully strike up a conversation with that person doesn't denote "creeping"

          2) You say its creeping to approach women on the street but lurking around pottery classes, joining volunteer groups, joining community circles and the rest of the crap you listed in hopes to find someone isn't creeping??? Yeah ok. Clearly you didn't think that post out before your wrote it.

          3) Meeting someone "on the street" doesn't just mean literally on the street. It means in any public venue and/or in passing. And you have yet to post one logical reasoning why its wrong for someone to ATTEMPT to strike up a conversation with someone in public.

        4. 1) I was joking when saying "Do you do anything else besides wander the streets looking for someone to capture your attention?"

          2) Creeping is subjective I guess, but most women are more likely open to conversations to men in any situation other than being stopped on the streets. I wasn't saying to join them for ONLY to try to pick up women, but to expand your horizons.

          3) So clearly "on the street" means something else to you, but to me, a street needs to be involved in order to be called "on the street". Maybe that's just me.

  15. "…I didn’t avoid catcalling because of this. I avoided it simply because I felt like the success rate was prohibitively low."

    #Guilty!

    I never really understood why some of my fellow gents subscribed to such (seemingly embarrassing) tactics that yielded minimal results. Clearly, if you're at a social venue or in a social atmosphere then it's all good, but just randomly out on the street? I guess.

  16. I already commented on this in response to a person upthread, but there's a huge distinction between general approaching and street harassment — and it ALL has to do with the level of respect you give to the woman you are trying to step to. It's really that simple. I am not a cat to hiss at, and airhorn to yell at, someone you have the authority to grab or touch without my permission. If you consistently do street approaches and can't tell the difference, then nobody taught you how to talk to a woman.

  17. It's ok with a man approaching a woman in public but SOME guys dont know how to take rejection. I've seen sooo many videos of women getting knocked on their butts by men who got dissed in front of their friends. It's sad..

    But on the other hand, if a man is trying to get a woman's attention by not being creepy then its all good. Just know when to stop if she isnt feeling you.
    My recent post Dirty Dog Ways: A Husband Who Cheated

    1. A related issue is how bad many women actually are at socially interacting with strangers. Because of all their hangups and prior bad experiences, they do really rude things sometimes.

      I was talking to this one girl at a party and she just walked away awkwardly in the middle of the interaction. I'm thinking "what, my breath stink? am i standing in bad lighting? what happened? i was in the middle of a sentence!"

      I've had chicks just ignore me or pretend I didnt just go out of my way to start a conversation with her. If women really want men to be more respectful in their approaches, they should consider being more respectful in their rejections. I've never heard a girl say "I appreciate you talking to me, and I like your confidence/style/demeanor. But I'm just not available/interested/feelin you, etc."

      Its way more common to get the Stank Face, the Walkaway, the Ignore, the Hand up, the Teethsuck, the Obnoxious Sigh etc. Those are awkward for everybody, especially the guy who just got played infront of everybody. lol

      1. You’re right. I think that was my problem with it for a long time, but I learned how to be a bit more tactful and polite in my response.

  18. Interesting perspective.

    On the whole, I don't "cold approach" women too often, if ever. At least not since my teens or early 20s. Frankly, it's not worth the headache. I could go on a rant about how I'm supposed to know how a woman is "the one" based on a 2.5 second interaction in the middle of the street, yet I'm sure women could say the same about men.

    I recognize disrespect is disrespect, no matter how or where you do it. I think (hope) that's truly the primary issue. The idea that I can't RESPECTFULLY approach a woman on the street (or apparently ever) is stupid. That said, I generally approach women who look approachable, so I couldn't see myself falling into a "street harasser" category, unless I simply mistook a flirtatious glance or smile. I try to approach women whom I've previously deemed I have a high rate of succeeding with before I get there.

    But, as Larnelw pointed out above…there has to be some give and take here. Women can't sit on their laurels, sometimes quite literally, waiting for men to approach them, then dictate how men are supposed to approach, how they do it, and when. If they want that much control, as has been pointed out, they can do the approaching and men can sit back and chill…. I don't see the latter happening anytime soon.

  19. Race is a big factor in this. I never get approached with cat calls unless from black men. I equate cat calling to rap music and how black women are seen as objects instead of people. I personally stopped responding to cat calls or even excuse me miss in the street. If I am not in the same circle as the person, then I don't bother ( talking to me at a book store vs the street ). I do respond with a Have a good day out of fear of getting cursed out.
    I had a violent experience in the 4 th grade, where I was chased by junior high school kids, just because I rolled my eyes at them when they said the "yo ma, my friend wanna talk to you." I was chased down the block with pebbles being thrown at me.

    The best experience I had, I can't think of one, because it happens everyday, especially here in Brooklyn.
    (side note: I only get heckled with cat calls when my weave is in or when I had a perm, when I was natural with it just recently shaved off, no one talked to me (except white men) and in a sense it made me feel insecure. And then I reflected on the idea that cat calling make some women reassure their beauty, but I feel like that's dictated by European standards of beauty. I feel like the natural trend is now being wildly accepted, but I don't see those girls get disrespected from cat calls but I digress)

    I say no to cat calls in the street, when I did give those guys a chance I met some insane people, but I am in favor of meeting someone in a common area. That's how I met my current boyfriend at the laundromat in our neighborhood.

  20. *deep sigh* …I hope some of y'all find your happy place. The bitter undertones of some of the comments recently is kinda sad…and offputting. I'm suspicious of any person who is constantly blaming others when they are the only constant in every experience they personally have. Having dialog with people who can't or are unwilling to hold themselves accountable is pointless.

    I'm fine being approached by strangers for as long as the approach is appropriate. I'm 32 and I'm a lady. If you come at me like I'm anything other than that, you will get ignored or rejected. The last few times I ignored cat calls, the dudes said, "Mmmm, that walk…you better go 'head and walk" and "Can I go with you? Ms. Lady? Ms. Lady? Can I go with you? Hold up…can I holla at you for a second?" I like when men approach me with conversation.

    1. I've never been frightened to the point of running but I do scurry along…get on the good foot.

      The best approach I've ever had occurred back in 2000. I went on a morning store run (read: I threw on a college t-shirt and sweatpants…threw hair in a ponytail…no makeup). I was getting in my car to go back home when this NICE Lexus pulled up behind my car. He says, "Excuse me. I don't mean to hold you up but I just wanted to stop and tell you that you're very pretty and I was hoping we could exchange information and get to know each other." I was 19 and conflicted…cause the man looked better than my ex-hub, lol. But, I did the right thing. I smiled and said, "Thank you. This is really very sweet. And I would say yes but…*flashed my ring*. I wish you would've done this about 4 mos ago, lol." He laughed, said he understood, told me to have a nice day, and drove off.

      One of the saddest moments of my life, lolol…

      1. LOL…Your are funny!!! Nice story, and love your comments…especially about the men on this blog. I thought it was just me…or a generation gap…the brothers do sound a little bitter..LOL.

  21. Honestly, the key to the approach is just like any social interaction, you just need an icebreaker. Preferably one that does not involve SCREAMING out a body part (Dang, @ss!) or a call to your creator (OMG, Miss you so sexy) or for that matter has the word sex in it at all. Understand you are a stranger until proven otherwise, so refrain from frightening me by grabbing me or invading my personal space. Hi works. Humor works. My ex approached me off the street (and hilariously, the ex before him I approached off the street) and we were together seven years. Just also know it’s a crapshoot. Sometimes we honestly have a place to be or a person to meet.

    Also, and this is one thing I find BAFFLING, if she smiles, at you, in passing, without being asked, SAY SOMETHING. I have had to literally do some plane signaling to get a guy to speak after I smiled hello on the street. But if I’m pissed? It’s a free-for-all. I just think some guys do it to just do it, not necessarily for a ROI.

    1. " if she smiles, at you, in passing, without being asked, SAY SOMETHING."

      she could just be happy.
      maybe she heard Shanice – I like your smile
      maybe she saw me trip on someone else's foot

      nah…i'll pass…#staysilent

      1. I'm almost willing to say that anytime a women looks you directly in the eye and smiles at YOU, it's safe to approach. I just can't think of a reason a woman would look a man she isn't speaking to/having conversation with/interacting with dead in the eye and smile…other than "hmm…he looks good…heeeey boo" (…that's what she's saying in her head, lol).

        But I'm not gonna get on you about your struggle cause I can't bring myself to "holla" at a man to save my life, lol. I #staysilent too. Folks have tried to coach me to try. But, the scars, man…I just can't, lol.

  22. 1. As others have noted above, it's acceptable when a stranger approaches respectfully. This includes taking into account the time of day and presence or lack thereof of any other people on the street. How would you react if a larger stranger suddenly closed the gap between you two in a dark, isolated area?

    2. When I was 17, I was driving a car with a couple of my girlfriends as passengers. A group of dudes pulled alongside my car and I don't recall what they said, but we POLITELY indicated we weren't interested. Dude in the passenger side threw a f*cking GLASS beer bottle at my OPEN window. I feel no need to explain why this was off-putting because if the audience can't figure it out, I'm unqualified to teach this lesson.

    3. Disrespecting me makes a man unattractive.

    4. Some dude in a crowded subway said something to the effect of "you need to know me" as he rushed by handing me his info on a slip of paper, never pausing. I wasn't interested, but I was amused by his schtick.

  23. Listen, I understand the struggle some men have when it comes to simply approaching a woman. So if you approach me respectfully, I will totally acknowledge you and smile and be friendly and all that good stuff. But nowadays, I won't give you my number because my heart's set on a man already. But what's not appreciated is the stupid and sometimes disrespectful ways some guys approach me. *Looks me up and down hungrily* "Hey sexy" will not get any acknowledgment. It's actually really creepy. I'm tall and slim so I usually get comments like: "You're like a tall glass of chocolate milk!" (I don't know how to respond to that, but I guess I'll just smile and laugh) "America's Next Top Model!" (I guess I'll smile and laugh too?) But "I wanna climb that tree, girl." or "I'm short, but we're all the same height lying down." will not get a response — JUST GET YOUR LIFE, PLEASE!

    When I was younger and didn't know any better, I did respond to any type of catcall/harassment if the dude was cute because I honestly didn't know any better and hey, I was getting some attention. I grew up in NYC and that's what I saw on the regular, so I thought it was the norm. But when I went away to Boston for college, I realized that there were actually decent and respectful men out there and that NYC men were totally hyper-aggressive. When I got back out here, I stopped tolerating the disrespect.

    I did meet and go out on a few dates with a few men I met off the street. Back when I was bout that club life, my friend and I walked past this dude and his friend, and he stopped us, excused himself, and asked us where we were heading. We told him to some bar nearby and then we all just started conversing. We exchanged numbers (because we planned to meet up at that bar in a while) and he turned out to be really cool. We didn't work out, but we did get a few good dates in. So I feel like there's nothing wrong approaching a woman on the street, but you have to have more to offer conversation-wise than how attractive she is and how much you want to get her number.

    Also, the "elevator pitch" about yourself can make or break you…utilize it well.

  24. I don't usually comment here, but something about this discussion…

    Street harassment is real. Whether some want to believe it or not. It is the reason why so many women put on a hard face when walking down the street, make themselves look unapproachable etc. It's because they've had to. At some point in their life, they've been accosted for simply walking down the street. They may have been grabbed at, cussed out, followed, stalked… It's very real. It's not something that is made up or imaginary.

    At some point it can even make a girl paranoid. For instance… I run. I know that even in my fastest years, I was never faster nor stronger than most men. With this in mind, when a man follows me in a van, asking me if I want to do xy&z… It can make you panic… Do I try to run faster? Do I stop? What can I do? Do I ignore and potentially make this person angry, possibly provoking them? Am I polite, but then the person thinks it's an invitation? It's really a lot to think about.

    I'm personally grateful no one has ever become violent with me, but the threat of violence is still there.

    And the fact that many people (not just on a forum) can be so dismissive of that is so disheartening.

    No one is saying you cannot approach someone. In fact I think that it is nice to be genuinely complimented, for someone to take an interest in what I pick up in a book store, ask me a question about my hair (I'm natural lol), etc. I believe it is in the way you approach that someone though. Would you want someone to say it to your mother, daughter, sister, cousin, etc? If these answer is no, just don't say it.

  25. It is for this reason that I thank Darwin that I am not a woman. I actually feel sorry for yall, Many of you cant even go buy tampons without being accosted by some guy and his "Damn Guh" approach. Here in Dallas TX, I talk to women all the time who say that the number one place they get holla'd at is the gas station. Like, for real??? Unless he's gonna give you a fill-up, I don't see the need to give anybody the time of day at a Valero. LOL

    That couldn't be me. I would be boxing with negroes on the daily, as soon as the inevitable "well f*ck you too then b*tch!" reply escaped their lips. The only advice I can give is this: its not what they say to you, it's what you answer to.
    My recent post Guest Feature Article: Single Black Male

  26. i'm like you sprad. never saw the point in trying to pick up women in public. for the same reasons too. an attractive woman probably gets hollered at somewhere between 10-50 times a day depending on how much she's actually in public. lets say i'm 51. what makes me any different from the other 50 guys? even if i am special she doesn't know that. also, from what i've seen guys are just plain rude when it comes to approaching women. i've seen guys curse women out calling them every name but what their parents named them because they got turned down. its actually kinda pitiful.
    My recent post Marriage for All…

    1. So because another man attempted to pick up a woman you find yourself attracted to that means you should now not express your interest? What kind of rationale does that make?
      Women are pursued pretty much every day of their lives. In ANY setting that you attempt to pick up a woman there has been men who have tried before you and men who will try after. In public, at the store, the lounge/club, gym, on the road, internet etc etc etc. So why refrain from attempting in public as if its any different for them in semi-private?

      1. I agree. I say be respectful in your approach but don’t hesitate because you think too many others gave tried. They may not have been her type and you might be.

    2. I'm with you Tunde on this one. I don't knock dudes that want to go about trying to get at women in public randomly, though….just not my style. There really isn't one right approach, but more or less a preference in how one wants to approach women.

  27. 1. I'm okay with strangers approaching me in the street. If I'm ever uncomfortable or uninterested, I usually respond politely (say thank you, smile) or act like I didn't hear them and walk faster. I'm a small person (5'2", around 120lbs) and I have been ganged up on before by a group of young men because my response was "unsavory". I don't ever want to piss anyone off like that again, so I will always respond respectfully no matter what.

    As long as you're not yelling at me or using foul language (leave a little something to the imagination, guys) I'm alright with it. Body language is huge too, so please give me a little space, and control your urge to lick your lips and rub your hands together like you're going to eat me. If I'm still not interested, I'll simply decline politely and keep it moving.

    2. I was twelve when this happened, so it scared the hell out of me. I developed quite quickly when I was young (not that it should have mattered), so maybe they assumed I was older. I was walking home from the bus stop and came across about 3-4 guys hanging outside. I knew two of them, and heard of the reputation they had with girls. I also knew they were gang affiliated. Long story short, they saw me, catcalled, I rolled my eyes and said something not so nice. One of them ran up on me and got in front of me blocking my path to my house, while another one came behind me and began touching my hips and repeating what the other was saying. I almost pissed my pants. I could see my house from where I was, but couldn't get there since the guy was in my way, and as I was about to book it, my mom pulled up in her car to park. I don't think I ever ran so fast in my life, I nearly ran into her car. I told her why I was upset and she looked angry but then told me I shouldn't have been dressed the way I was. I had on a white poncho and skinny jeans. -______-

    3. It doesn't matter. Catcalling will make you unattractive to me, it shows arrogance and disrespect, two things I hate to see in men. You don't own me, so stop speaking to me like I owe you something.

    4. I was at a shopping center grabbing sandwiches with my friends after class. A cupcake shop was right next door, so I offered to buy some for my friends and I (shout out to CamiCakes of ATL). As I walked outside, a man walking down some stairs said, "Excuse me," and I turned around while still holding the door to the cupcake shop. He proceeded to compliment my hair and deep skin complexion, and told me my bright orange sweater complimented it. He was very persistent and long-winded, and eventually offered to buy me cupcakes another time, but I wasn't interested. I told him "Thank you, but I have to go". His approach was just fine. I then entered the cupcake shop, where everyone had heard the conversation, and one of the guys working the counter was like, "Dang, did you just break that man's heart?" I laughed nervously and replied, "I hope not". We continued to laugh, as he boxed up my cupcakes, and looked at me and said, "Well maybe I'll have a chance?".

    I thought that was incredibly sweet and perfectly timed. I wasn't rushing to go anywhere, he made me laugh and feel better about an awkward situation, and asked a question instead of demanding something of me. It was perfect. Things were getting serious with someone else at the time, but I still beat myself up for not at least giving him my number.

  28. There has always been a time and a place for everything. Now, can a MAN, with good intentions approach a women on the street and let her know that he is interested? Sure, but he must consider HER STATE OF MIND. It is not just about the guy trying to get the attention of the female for she has to be in a place to receive the invitation. Case and point:

    I am walking down Peachtree Street in Atl. I have on a business suit that was not tight, and top that was not low cut (this is important because I believe you 'dress' the way you want to be addressed). A strange guy walks across the street (walking away from 7 other men he was walking with) and grabs my arm very forcefully. He states: why don't you go on and let me get that number up out you and we can hook up and F*&K later tonight. When i try to snatch my own damn arm back and walk away, he holds me tighter and pulls me close so he is in my face. He tells me: Bit&*^ you better not embarrass me in from on my team or I will fu&%^ you up for real…give me the damn number. In the middle of P'tree, in broad day light, during lunch time I start yelling.NOT ONE MAN CAME TO MY AID;NOT A ONE…..Only people that stopped to stand by me and call the police were women. When he let my arm go, he grabbed my hair and I reached back and pulled out my gun and stuck it in his face while waiting for the cops to come….and low and behold who shows up: MEN, tons of them, out of nowhere telling me: don't kill another brother Ms. Lady, that is what the white man wants us to do, turn on each other…don't do this….Not one of them would help me, but they showed up in extreme support to get him out of a mess HE created.

    Now, if men want to approach women, MEN MUST be aware that women have bad days, life happens and she is allowed to have a mind of her own. And since we are all products of our environment: women must be careful because the ones that are killing,raping, murdering, breaking in our homes, and harming us: look just like the men that approach us in the streets daily. And since many do not want to get involved when things go left, women have to protect themselves. It is sad but true, many men do not get involved when women are being humiliated publicly, beaten publicly, and just degraded so the lines become blurred because WE DO NOT KNOW YOU, so we cannot trust you…..

    Is it rough for men, yes; but it is ten times as hard for black women because no one stands up for us even when they witness us being harmed…and many of us have grown so sick and tired of just trying to exist is a community where the ones claiming to want to get to know us, victimize us numerous times daily.

    Men must start holding men accountable when they act inappropriately and tell them their actions are not acceptable. Stop laughing and high fiving them when they do this and quit damn taping it and uploading it to WorldStar Hip Hop…Black men must work to mend the trust they have broken with Black women on a collective if things are going to get better. ( any many will say I don't act like this and I am just one person so why blame me….becaUse you know someone that act this way and many of you DO NOTHING TO CORRECT YOUR BOI)…

    There is a large population of men that cannot take gentle rejection and unfortunatlely, black women are getting the brunt of that attitude. IF you approach a female and she is not willing to give you an opportunity, don't get mad, yell obscenities, tell them to jump off the bridge…just deal with it and keep on going with your life…..it is not the end of the world. When the women are not constantly the victims of being in their own community, social relations will improve…NO shade, JMO

    1. @Nurse

      I love this post.

      You had every right to empty that clip in that Negro, I feel bad for you getting talked out of it.

      I still loved his approach tho. You gotta make sure you get the message across.

      Like I said, if women are truly outraged about SH, approach us & show us how it is done.

      Since rejection ain’t that big of a deal. Right?

      But the fact of life is, y’all ain’t gonna approach us, so please sit down & STFU.

      And again, I am all for you shooting anyone who violates you in the similar manner in which dude down in Peachtree did.

      1. It is not about rejection, its about having enough respect for that women that if she does not want to talk or give you her number: move on with your life without being disrespectful about it….

        You don't get every loan you apply for, or every credit card you apply for, or every job you apply to, so why do you think every women you approach is going to be receptive? The mindset is what needs to change. If you cannot handle rejection, stop putting yourself in a position to get rejected.

        Women get rejected by men all the time. When we want a relationship, when we want to go out and you refuse,when we want to begin or maintain a family; there are often times when women do not get what they want; but we do not get belligerent about it…we tuck our tail, take it on the chin and deal with it….but black men definitely have a hard time taking correction, rejection, or being told that what you are doing does not work and rethink your approach.

        Black women that have worked to be with black men often get the short end of the stick. If we are independent: feminist, if we want you to provide for us:gold digger, and if we get pregnant; I told you I did not want any kids…so since we cannot seem to do anything right in the eyes of many black men ( like, now you want us to start coming up to you guys and asking you out when it is never going anywhere? if we talk about marriage, your break, if we want to get serious, you break and if we get pregnant, you break…so why bother)….and that is where many black females are….

        We would rather be alone than be in a hostile situation..and even though we'd like to be married and maybe have children, we will forfeit all of that for some peace of mind……this is where we are now…everyone has choices, no one has to wait around for someone to give them anything and each person is going on about life as an individual.

    2. "Black men must work to mend the trust they have broken with Black women on a collective if things are going to get better."

      no rebuttal… I just thought that was a little dramatic.

      I like reading your comments tho. I'll be checking for more.

  29. 1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?
    Ehh generally speaking no. It's not that easy to be classy about it and I can't think of anything that would make it okay. Maybe if you're both standing on the street and something like a crazy car accident happens and you begin a conversation based on that? It's raining and you offer her your umbrella? How likely are these situations outside of movies?

    2. If you will, can you give us an example of a street interaction that was either disrespectful, scary, offensive (or all of the above) and let us know what about it was particularly off-putting?
    Pretty much all of them are disrespectful and offensive. 1/2 of them are scary. When it's dark out, you're alone and a small group of men stare at you from down the street and one of them says something as you approach is scary. Once a man was walking with a teenage boy and when I passed him he proceeded to say something to me and put his arm on me. When I pushed his arm off he pushed back and said, "Bitch!. See that's what's wrong with black women." It's scary that a man actually put his hands on me, and was actually teaching the next generation that this was appropriate behavior.

    3. How much does the attractiveness of the man cat calling play into how you respond to it?
    Not much. An attractive guy who cat calls, etc. is sleezy and scary. An ugly guy who cat calls is ugly, sleezy and scary.

    4. If you have an example of a time when a stranger said something to you on the street that made you more interested in getting to know him, peaked your curiosity or at least caused you to crack a smile, please share it.

    Once a man saw me from across the street and called out to me. I ignored him. He ran across the street yelling at me to slow down and said, "I'm not dangerous, I'm from the suburbs." Didn't peak my curiosity but his statement was a little funny.
    My recent post Honey Help Me! Blondes have less style

  30. 1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?
    Ehh generally speaking no. It's not that easy to be classy about it and I can't think of anything that would make it okay. Maybe if you're both standing on the street and something like a crazy car accident happens and you begin a conversation based on that? It's raining and you offer her your umbrella? How likely are these situations outside of movies?

    2. If you will, can you give us an example of a street interaction that was either disrespectful, scary, offensive (or all of the above) and let us know what about it was particularly off-putting?
    Pretty much all of them are disrespectful and offensive. 1/2 of them are scary. When it's dark out, you're alone and a small group of men stare at you from down the street and one of them says something as you approach is scary. Once a man was walking with a teenage boy and when I passed him he proceeded to say something to me and put his arm on me. When I pushed his arm off he pushed back and said, "Bitch!. See that's what's wrong with black women." It's scary that a man actually put his hands on me, and was actually teaching the next generation that this was appropriate behavior.

    3. How much does the attractiveness of the man cat calling play into how you respond to it?
    Not much. An attractive guy who cat calls, etc. is sleezy and scary. An ugly guy who cat calls is ugly, sleezy and scary.

    4. If you have an example of a time when a stranger said something to you on the street that made you more interested in getting to know him, peaked your curiosity or at least caused you to crack a smile, please share it.

    Once a man saw me from across the street and called out to me. I ignored him. He ran across the street yelling at me to slow down and said, "I'm not dangerous, I'm from the suburbs." Didn't peak my curiosity but his statement was a little funny.
    My recent post Honey Help Me! Blondes have less style

  31. That sounds scary. Glad you are OK. Another case of blame the victim, I see. Something similar happened to me. Women I didn not even know came to my aid.

  32. But now, if all men ever stopped giving women random unsolicited compliments and attention, verbal or otherwise (including online), I bet my bottom dollar the women would be mad. lol

    That means no more staring at a chick's body, oggling the bewbs, liking facebook/tumblr/instagram pics. No more "excuse me miss, i just wanted to say you look very nice today". No more showing preference to pretty girls just because you find her attractive (since thats an indirect complement).

    Imagine that chick who posted her post-workout selfie on Instagram with her booty all poppin out that had 369 likes yesterday. And suddenly no guys like her pics or give her thirsty messages like "dayum girl! sexy!" or "i like alla dat!"

    Now I'm not saying all women would be mad at having less attention… but I bet most women take a self confidence hit without the usual male validation. Lots of women don't realize just how much male attention they naturally get until it starts declining. Ask those 35 year old chicks with 2 kids how much more attention she got as a pretty in-shape 22 year old.

    Think of all the women that feed off male attention with one hand, while refusing to pour them a cup of appreciation, reciprocation, and acknowledgement with the other.

    If us men stop feeding them, the human race would become weak and frail from the lack of social nourishment.

    1. @12 Point Buck

      Thank you homie. This is why women talk that talk, but don’t want men to stop.

      If men stopped giving women attention for 15 days, it would be an even backlash than the HollaBack chapters. We know what time it is.

      But women stay wanna play on our intelligence.

      I just don’t with women tell us to modify our approaches.

      You are scared to even get in the boxing ring, let alone get hit!!!

      Thank you @12 pt Buck as always

    2. What's bothering me is that y'all are refusing to draw the line between respectfully approaching a woman and disrescectfully approaching a woman. The former is cool…the latter is not. Respectful compliments are fine.

      What is so difficult to understand about this?

      I don't have instagram…or half of these other new social network apps (like…how many accounts am I reasonably supposed to manage for real???). I don't change my avi every 5 mins. I don't post FB pics every few days…weeks even. I take plenty selfies that stay in my phone…checking my makeup, hair, how the look is coming together. I rarely post full body shots. I get more respectful attention than anything because of the type places I frequent. I get more disrespect when I'm downtown or 'round the way.

      It's like y'all work overtime trying not to have to concede to any points that favor women. For what?! Relax, lol…really. It's getting silly…and just not a good look (not that you care…ijs). We just want the disrespect to stop.

      1. You gotta take the good with the bad in this case. Light cannot exist without darkness– it is the darkness that gives the light its meaning.

        Plus everybody has a different nuanced opinion on what constitutes a respectful approach. I've heard like 30 different "acceptable/respectful" approach examples in the comments already. For some women "aye gurl, you lookin foine!" is considered respectful and endearing because of the environment they grew up in.

        By the same token, I've seen guys who approached respectfully get dissed because the girl was expecting a little more ignorance and got a dose of gentleman instead.

        Its impossible for guys to know exactly how each woman would like to be approached. If we knew, we'd probably do that since it'd increase the chances of a successful interaction. Short of kicking good game, the next best thing is to throw it all at the wall and see what sticks.

        1. "Its unrealistic for guys to know exactly how each woman would like to be approached."

          But I believe it's fairly easy to know and how to distinguish from what's clear disrespect and what the general population would classify as respectful.

          You seem like a smart fellow. I think you are more than capable of thinking of a phrase when you approach the majority of women that isn't deemed "disrespectful". Naturally, you'll have the handful of women that think it will be disrespectful, but like you said, "You gotta take the good with the bad– thats life".

        2. (most) Grown men know what it means to be respectful…so I don't buy this at all, lol. Now, I will cop to what Adonis pointed out somewhere above that in some ways, how a man approaches women has a lot to do with his upbringing…but this can also include how he was influenced by those he socialized with (which has nothing to do with single mothers).

          Like my first and last time in a club (…cause I just can't, lol), this guy reached out and grabbed my arm as I walked by him. I shot him the look of death…never said a word. He let me go and said, "[email protected], my bad, shorty." He knew he was wrong for grabbing me…and he also knew he didn't wanna die that night, lol.

        3. "Is that kinda like the premise you don't know if there is a God in the after life, so you will just act how you want to act now because you can't be sure if it exist? "

          Yes! Thats exactly how it is. You simply dont alter your behavior based on whether or not God exists– you base it on something you can observe, measure, or predict.

          Similarly, the way I approach women is outcome-independent. Maybe she'll like my approach, and maybe she wont. I dont decide based on whether or not I think she'll have a good reaction. I approach because I see something I want and I'm going for it– I'm creating an experience to entertain myself. The best I can do to improve my odds of a good experience is hone my technique.

      2. @cyn81

        To your credit, you are a traditional woman through & through. I know how these conversations bother you.

        But we are dealing with women who want fake-equality.

        Because when we give them REAL equality, they start inching back to your side of the room.

        But as far as traditional women, absolutely it is different ballgame.

        Non-black women typically know how to deal with male-female dynamics with grace.

        Alot Black women typically do not. I be shocked when I do run into traditional BW. And they get wifed up fast if you ain’t quick enough.

        1. You really think the type of women you're talking about frequent this blog? I don't think this is the SBM lady demographic…maybe I'm wrong or naive but…I just think y'all preach to the wrong choir some of the time. *shrugs*

        2. Interesting point. Do y'all who keep complaining about "street harassment" on blogs such as SBM really think that men in this demographic are often the perpetrators? Brothas here have reported that they approach only in brief, respectful terms or don't cold approach at all.

          So why insist on directing your ire and advice at black men like us? Our being grouped, in effect, with ignorant, irresponsible, and quite possibly dangerous brothas–as ladies of your demographic too often do–is prompting a lot of the pushback.

        3. First, what's happening here is that a post about "street harassment" was written by a black man asking if it was ever ok. Women responded with their answers regarding experiences that have happened to them in real life. Some they were ok with, some they were not. The responses were answers to questions that the author asked the readers…on this site.

          Nothing that I said specifically (not speaking for anyone else) even remotely makes it seem like I'm referring to all black men. I'm speaking about the black men who do it…cause the post brought it up and asked for our feedback…so I gave my feedback here.

          I hope this clears things up. Have a great weekend! 🙂

        4. No, it didn't clear things up–but I guess it counts as deflection. Nor was I under the impression that you were speaking about "all black men"–which of course would be absurd.

          The post put "street harassment" in scare quotes: not to question whether treating innocent women in rude or intimidating ways can ever be acceptable, but to open a broader question as to whether cold approaching, even respectfully, can be legitimate. That this apparently was not obvious to many women here would seem to warrant the questions I raised.

          Have a great weekend, too.

        5. …and the answers (95%) were "cold approaching" is fine ("legitimate") when it isn't rude or disrespectful. Not getting the beef.

          No need to deflect when your questions aren't addressing the fact that the author solicited this information from the readers…which is why the responses are posted here. Considering that, its obvious why its being discussed here.

          But…sure, I'm confused, lol. So I'll leave this for someone else to address. My bad… 🙂

      3. I agree. I am not saying that there aren't women out there that make us look bad, but I believe it's equivalent to the same amount of men who makes that gender look bad. It's like if the woman doesn't automatically receive that man, she's a horrible chick. She's rude and disrepectful because she just isn't accepting the approach, or the guy who is into her. Yet if she did just concede it's like, well you should pick a better partner. Da Fuq? Can't win for losing.
        My recent post Show me something:Why she isn’t taking you seriously as a suitor

      4. .Yes but is it any different from when men bring up issues that concern us like the biased family & divorce court system and were swiftly met with "oh shut the hell up, stop bit**ing. man up!!!!" I don't think guys are saying street harassment doesn't exist or that its not abhorrent, its just annoying when people try to make blanket statements against all men. There was a comment in this thread where a woman said a group of guys accosted her but were told to back off by who? A MAN. That's right, so no issue at all applying something to all men when its negative but when a man steps in and stops then fu**ery he just barely gets an honorable mention. A lot of women make it a habit of blaming societies ills on men because 1 did something terrible to them but don't ever give credit to men when one does something generous. Its a constant glass half full male bashing mentality that men tend to dislike and are just now after years of it, are deciding to push back. I agree that the guys who are violent & verbally abusive etc when a woman doesn't respond to their advances are as lame as all hell, but lets let everyone be regarded as an individual and not use blanket statements where they aren't applicable.

        1. "I don't think guys are saying street harassment doesn't exist or that its not abhorrent, its just annoying when people try to make blanket statements against all men."

          I doubt I misunderstood some of the comments from the fellas…so we'll just disagree here.

          "let everyone be regarded as an individual and not use blanket statements where they aren't applicable."

          Agreed.

    3. I'll never fully understand why some folks go to the brink of extremisms in their rationalizations to make a case for their point of view. The complexity of it just miscontrues the point that is trying to be made more than likely in the first place.

      It sounds as if you're trying to make a solid justification for women to be verbally abused and harassed. I'm sure that's not your intent here, however. I'm just trying to figure out how we got from street harassment to making comments on various social media platforms, lol.

      I get it, though. In short what you're saying is people generally need affirmation and a lack there of is deemed unfavorable by many.

  33. I've been spit on for ignoring a gentleman before;actually twice spit on for after the first time I started yelling obscenities & making empty threats about how my friends were going to 'get him'.empty becuz of course how were they ever going to find him since he did not stick around;if I had had a gun he would have been one dead black man.as a woman u do have to be careful & proactive about your personal safety as some men have a propensity for violence & u just never know;worse things can happen than get spit on.understandable why some ladies would ignore men in the streets

  34. As with some of the guys up-thread said, I don't approach women on the street. Never have. Maybe this is because I spent my adult life in the city where everybody's got somewhere to be, there's taxis, noise, tourists, etc. Add in the number of social events and HHs you can go to meet the same type of shorty you just oggled on the train, and being pressed to street holla just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

    That being said, i don't get why it's so hard for some guys to comprehend why women don't like being cat-called or "street harrassed" (I hate the latter term). You do what works for you and renders the results you want. I just think conversations like this are amusing because it's all good and acceptable until it's your girl/wife/sister/daughter/friend on the receiving end of the unwanted, unwarranted disrespect. That's how I see things at this point in my life. If I wouldn't want a dude doing that to a female I care about, I'm not going to do it someone else's loved one. And if that makes me a simp, then I'll be that

  35. I live downtown across the street from a auto shop. I walk my dogs every morning when I awaken. I wear a big shirt, shorts, and a hat to cover my head. EVERY day the men wanna heckle me. "Hello beautiful" "You got a man" You must be single" "You got a name" and so forth.

    Its highly annoying and sometimes real unnerving. However I try to grin and bear it, just showing courtesy by a head nod. These men know where I live, my car, and who knows what they can do if they were to feel slighted and be violent-minded. However, I do not feel comfortable, and enjoy the weekends when they are closed.

    Harassment is never okay. Approaching someone is different. And at the end of the day, if a man wants to step to a woman correctly and she shuns him, then her loss, not yours. Consider it as such and move on. My 2 cents

  36. Perhaps it isn't my place to speak on this thread, but this is something that has been an issue for me since I moved to Boston 4 years ago.

    I am a white female in my early twenties. I dress eccentrically, to say the least, have noticeable facial piercings and usually unnaturally colored hair. This is an extremely popular style of both men and women at my college and in my social circles.

    Now trust me, at a party with a couple beers in him, there are absolutely guys, regardless of race, in my social circles that harass me and believe I owe them flirty banter and sex. No question, it happens regularly, and has nothing to do with my "beauty" or "attractiveness", I'm aware.

    However, the only time I am ever cat called or inappropriately complimented by a stranger on the street, it is by a black male. I will not comment on why, because I don't fucking know. I am sure my statement sounds incredibly racist, and please, please, correct me and call me out if you find it offensive and ignorant- but it is a fact. Almost all of my street encounters have been with black males.

    Once, it was almost sweet. I was standing on a busy street during day time hours waiting for a friend, and the man complimented me on my outfit, and continued walking. A few moments later he turned around and asked if I was single. He was very polite, and perhaps if I was single I would have interacted with him, but I was not at the time and told him so, and he continued on his way. The attention was unwelcome and a little disruptive of the time I was spending on my phone, but polite, honest, and he left when I gave the signal.

    Once, late at night on a slightly deserted street, a man on a bike passing me on the side walk said, "Hey, beautiful," and kept going, only to turn around moments later to start asking me for my number, and where I was going, and followed beside me for a few minutes on his bike. This was far more intrusive to me, slightly frightening, and I was weary that he was asking personal and private questions.

    And then of course, there are the dozens of times I have heard, "Hey, beautiful, where you going baby?", "Damn girl", "I just want to talk for a second, why won't you talk to me?" etc. All of these have been threatening to me, and made me a little scared because lines especially like "where you going" and "why won't you talk to me" are very inappropriate.

    Even when I am single and feeling a bit lonely, this attention, even the attention from the polite man I first mentioned, is not okay, and makes me feel uncomfortable and violated. I do not dress myself or do my hair expecting compliments on my way to run errands- I honestly just want to be left alone. Passing compliments are nice I guess, but still inappropriate and honestly do nothing for my self esteem, if that is the harassers aim.

    The race issue here is beyond me, I don't feel I have a place to say much on that topic as a white person. But the issue that street harassment seems to be more popular among black males is the problem that has directly affected almost every day of my life in Boston.

    1. Someone mentioned above that black men seem to do this more so I'm not offended at all. I can also say that in my 32 yrs on earth, I too have only been cat-called by black men…and, as you can see in my avi, lol…I'm black.

      I have no idea why other races don't do it…or whether or not they do it and just don't approach me (I have dated a white guy as a teen so its not like I can't get one at all, lol…ijs), lol. I can't call this one. I'm curious to know what the male perspective (all races) is on this…

    2. Jessie this is a great question/comment/observation. Also, it's def not racist. I don't have a response, but I do have an idea on how to get a response. More to come (pause).

    3. Your comment is 4 years old but maybe you’d still like a response nonetheless. I will reply in two stages, first about your inquiry into the racial aspects, and then about your individualistic
      response to people who talk to you in the street.
      First of all race by itself has little to do with it. It’s more about social conditioning and culture. Spanish, French and especially Italian men are just as aggressive in their pursuit of women as black men. Regular old waspy, New England Americans do attempt cold approaches, just with a bit less frequency and more mildly. You see, white Bostonian men are a highly privileged group.
      Chances are you just don’t measure up to expectations. Black men have much less expectations, because they on the other hand, are arguably the least privileged group in society. A white woman, with little regard to age, physical shape or social status, is at the higher end of the ladder what they can hope to achieve, because it is a step up from their present situation.
      More privileged people are also able to spend more time socializing in formal, relationship conducive settings, like school and indoor work, doing more impressive (expensive) or gender neutral hobbies, volunteering, paying for liquor and club fees (whether of the night or country variety ) etc thus casting a much wider social net, with friends of friends benefits.
      Less privileged people have to be more readily and visibly aggressive with what they have if they want to make it, but sometimes that will result in criminality, illegal border crossings and yes street harassment. Privileged folks can arguably be just aggressive, but they go about it in a more subtle manner. Blacks are just underprivileged, which is a passive force, they are or have been(depending on your POV of current race relations) actively dehumanized which fosters rebelliousness and counter culture.
      A second factor is that less privileged women tend to respond to these approaches. They actually
      encourage hypermasculinity to a certain extent. Whether the cause be lack of father figure or low expectation of monogamy or low self esteem because of downward pressure from the white establishment. If something works, why fix it? There are also a small minority women in every social level, of any race that will respond to these propositions. Men will play the lottery hoping to get lucky with one of these type of more salty
      women. There is no excuse for men who go overboard in doing this, some of it not even being any form of true sexual or romantic interest, but they are always the exception to the rule.
      The second point of my response is directed towards you. You seem to have a problem with anyone speaking to you no matter the situation, no matter the method. It is people with this attitude that give people, both men and common sense pragmatic women, a conniption. When a female lumps
      in ‘Hello’ with stalking and physical harassment, even rape, you are causing men to lose sympathy, because to us you are
      throwing out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. Even when you said you would have responded with interest, you were somehow still offended
      and felt harassed. That is giving me a migraine to even think about. Why do you live in the city if you want to be asocial?

  37. I finally get it. Black women I deeply apologize for my denial of black power is for black men. It’s clear to me now. I hereby announce my informal alliance with self haters like Adonis and 12 point.

    I see that black men are scum. We can’t do anything right. If we speak to you in your attention seeking , tight dress , 6 inch heel wearing, loud red dress we are thirsty or street harassing. An d of we DON’T speak then we are self haters who don date black women. And let me add to this list of undesirable traits of black men

    :

    We are homosexual or downlow

    We don’t have jobs and when we do it’s not prestigious enough

    We don’t have personal vehicles and when we do it isn’t flashy enough

    We have too many kids

    We don’t take care of our kids

    We not tall enough

    Not enough swag

    Cheaters

    Liars

    Woman beaters

    And now most of all BLACKPOWER IS FOR BLACK MEN

    I also denounce those liars Louis Farrakhan, Tavis Smiley and Cornel West who have put their persons, images, and wealth on the line talking about the injustice black men have suffered. I see now that it was all a lie, because the black man is ALL POWERFUL in this country. This is evident in the unemployment rates, murder, discrimination and sexism all caused by the black man.

    I get it and I apologize for these weak men.

    BUT I am all about solutions. And I think what each and every black woman who feels black power is for black men should date interacially and cut off all unnescceaary communication with black men. Because apparently a great number of black men walking the streets are out for the sole purpose to rape black women in broad daylight As so many of you have commented.

    This street harassment epidemic is just one of the many dysfunctions of the power of black men and I think that you all should no longer stand for it. Abandon black men.

    Not to mention non black men are so awesome

    They like the idea of marrying a group of women who are statistically overweight and unhealthy

    They like marrying never married or divorced women Over 30 with multiple kids by multiple men

    They are tall, with Nice cars and lots of money

    They have NEVER cheated on a woman

    They can’t wait to find a strong independent woman

    They have NEVER been known to rape women

    And perhaps most importantly they are against the infallible power structure that black men have built up in this country.

    So please by all means, you don’t have to be loyal to us any longer , no more evil For Colored Girls black beast in your life

    CUZ WE ALL KNOW NIGGAS AIN’T SHIT

      1. As bout as extreme as the women who likened men who spoke words to them on the street as potential rapists. But I’m sure you missed that because your fellow black sisters wrote it

        1. People need to be careful of their environment period in 2013. It's nothing to take personally. Bad things happen and, unfortunately, that means that people are generally more hesitant to interact. Shoot, you can't even let a stranger make an "emergency call" on your cell out of fear that they'll take the phone, run, and feed it to one of those cell ATM thingy's.

          So, lets not act like it's unreasonable that people are more careful out in these mean streets. Most villians are nice…at first…to lure you in.

          It just so happens that this article is pointing out an instance where women are the ones feeling threatened. It doesn't detract from the male experience or the fact that every man that approaches you isn't necessarily trying to rape you. Chex you down? Yeah (maybe not the only thing but yeah, lol). Rape you? Probably not.

          Tick-for-tack never gets you anywhere. I'll let you have it…with the reasons for your extremes. If nobody does the right thing for the sake of being right…*sigh*.

          Have a great weekend! 🙂

  38. The respectful approach is "Hello. How are you today?" or "I like the outfit you have on. It looks great on you" or even "I hope you have a nice day." A sincere greeting or statement of appreciation can be made without expectation.

    The issue is not about being approached but the expectation I feel as a woman that is placed on me because a man chooses to approach me or try to engage me in conversation (while, I might add, I am already en route somewhere to do something.) This message sends nothing but disregard and lack of respect.

    The likelihood that anyone meets a long-term or life-long partner walking down the street is a hollywood tale. Relationships are based on substance and that does not come from a 5-sec interaction in passing. At most, you can really only expect something "in passing," right?

    I should not be expected to carry the burden of a man who approaches me with his own intentions and motivations that were set before he even said hello. This counts as further objectification.

  39. The only circumstance where I would consider street interaction acceptable is if a man wishes to discuss a book I'm reading. I am an avid reader and thus when I am in public I am usually reading or have a book on my person. This kind of approach would signal to me that the man is interested in my mind as well as my body (or is at least willing to go through the trouble of feigning interest in order to get into my pants). An intelligent man with great conversation skills is a must for me personally. Basically, my point is to have a reason aside from a woman's physical appearance to approach her. It never ceases to amaze me how often a man will interrupt me while I'm reading to chat me up and not even attempt or want to discuss the book I'm reading; as if irritating pick up attempt was more interesting than what I was reading. If you have no reason other than sheer physical attraction to speak to a woman, keep your distance. She has probably already had a few dudes bother her already that day and you'll simply end up seeming like the rest of the herd.

  40. You know… there is something about presenting myself as appealing, polite, and respectful (when all I reeeeally want to do is smang it) that feels rather… villainous.

    "Oh here, let me get that door for ya!" …..*booty glance & hidden evil smirk*

    "Oh you're a nurse? That's so cool! You know, I find your affinity for helping people admirable. I used to volunteer to read to kids in the ER waiting room… I saw how even a simple smile can help someone get through a rough day… " *devilish grin*

    "Oh I smell really good? Thanks!" *ha! that scent you smell contains trace amounts of scientifically formulated human pheromone compounds designed to make you feel more trusting and at ease… and UOENO!*

    1. but it's about being patient. Killing with kindness. You get more bees with honey and all other catch phrases there are. If I have a conversation with my signifcant other and say "that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard", versus, "i don't understand can we discuss this further". It's about diplomacy, yeah you want to do this, but you know you would have a better outcome doing this. 75% of women will respond better to "hello miss, you are beautiful…" versus "damn shawty let me get in that". Just sayin
      My recent post Just wanna get next to you: How to work your first date

    2. but it's about being patient. Killing with kindness. You get more bees with honey and all other catch phrases there are. If I have a conversation with my signifcant other and say "that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard", versus, "i don't understand can we discuss this further". It's about diplomacy, yeah you want to do this, but you know you would have a better outcome doing this. 75% of women will respond better to "hello miss, you are beautiful…" versus "damn shawty let me get in that". Just sayin
      My recent post Just wanna get next to you: How to work your first date

      1. I agree. Thats why it feels so sinister. I feel like I'm being patient only because it helps further my true motive.

        Like a bank robber waiting patiently in line to slip the teller a "gimmme tha loot" message, versus running in there guns blazing.

  41. Street harrassing is lame on all levels. First of all we are supposed to adults, we're not 17 year olds. All you have to do is in passing get contact, crack a smile see if she reciprocates and take it from there. "skirrrt" "(bird calling)", 'wassup sweetheart" 'eh yo shorty"…really. And people wonder why they get shot down, and then have the nerve to call a woman "stuck up" "conceited" or whatever expletive that comes out. Gents we're men, grown men at that, please play the part, approach a woman the right way..the worse she can say is no. Chalk it up to the game and take the "L", or you never know she may respond in kind and you're good to go.
    My recent post Rants On MLK, Love For Young Black America and A Seat For Miley Cyrus

  42. The point all the women are trying to say is that being cat called is objectification at its worst. Its not enough that we as males have created a system to already objectify them through the media and such but that we have Taken a simple act of expression and turned it on its head…..and then complain about the outcome…..there is a saying, one bad fish in a pile of fish make the rest of the fish bad….whether real or perceived. Again, i dont think the women are railing against approaches, they are railing against being perceived as not having human value to be Treated as such

  43. even if you are polite. And respectful, some women wont say anything at all. And just walk right past you. sbm family can you do post, about how good bm never get the time a day from bw and get mad when a bm dates outside of his race.

  44. 'Street harassment'? #blackpowerisforblackmen? This post? The comments?

    Interesting.
    It never ceases to amaze while observing the towering beanstalk Massa's seeds of divisiveness have grown into over the generations, how absolutely silly some black women and black men are in these times as they continually eat of its proverbial fruit.

    If propaganda was a stock, n*ggaz would be crazy rich as much as they're buying into it.

    Street harassment and black male privilege? Wake up people. Seriously. At what point are we going to put on our thinking caps and not get caught up in the novelty of notions because they have a nice ring to them?

    My recent post Rants On MLK, Love For Young Black America and A Seat For Miley Cyrus

    1. how many have to talk about being harrassed before you give it a semblance of belief?

      whether or not you are the perpetrator, would it not be a good idea to hear out multiple shared experiences?

  45. When I was 7 years old I witnessed an attack on a woman who tried to ignore a street harasser. It happened in broad daylight in a busy shopping area in NYC and both parties were black. I have to admit that it scarred me for life and to this day I get frightened when I get cat-called by men on the street. And that wasn't the last time I've seen cat-calling turn violent, either.

    When walking outside, I wear my headphones (even if no music is playing) and avoid eye contact with strange men. That doesn't always deter them, though, as I once had a guy follow me for an entire block from the subway trying to "force" me to smile for him. I was wearing my headphones and tried to pretend that I couldn't hear him. I felt threatened because this guy actually followed me and he was beginning to get testy because I wouldn't respond to him. He eventually walked-off but it was scary.

    I don't understand how men rationalize that aggressive, creepy behavior will result in a positive response from women. Put yourself in that woman's position.

  46. 1. Is it ever acceptable for an interested stranger to address you on the street? If so, can you give some examples of the circumstances or situation that might make that ok? If it’s never acceptable can you help understand your thoughts on why it is not?
    Sure. Just be respectful and don't think of it as a chance to score. I probably won't give you my number and you shouldn't ask unless we end up having a love at first sight type of moment. Otherwise, just take the interaction for what it is, two people interacting on the street and (possibly) enjoying the moment.

    2. If you will, can you give us an example of a street interaction that was either disrespectful, scary, offensive (or all of the above) and let us know what about it was particularly off-putting?
    I am East African. So a lot of my negative catcalls from Af/am men on the street lately have been laced with this layer of "exotic" objectification. Literally walked passed a guy who yelled "Habesha!" at me. Like you just gon yell my ethnicity at me? What if I walked past a dude yelling "African American!" That is weird. Or "Where you from Ethiopia!" It pisses me off. I wouldn't be surprised if 150 men have tried talking to me about my ethnicity…shit is old brah.

    3. How much does the attractiveness of the man cat calling play into how you respond to it?
    It probably makes a huge difference. But if he's obnoxious, it makes none. If he's cocky and attractive, I'll just enjoy the view but keep it pushing.

    4. If you have an example of a time when a stranger said something to you on the street that made you more interested in getting to know him, peaked your curiosity or at least caused you to crack a smile, please share it.
    Never really happened. I've definitely had some homeless people make me smile though.

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