Home Featured The Main Reason Why We Don’t Meet Who We Want Faster

The Main Reason Why We Don’t Meet Who We Want Faster

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“I hope that you’re the one, if not you are the prototype.” – Andre 3000

A few days ago, I was talking to a guy who was explaining to me this dilemma he’s having. He said that there’s a woman he sees from time to time who isn’t his girlfriend. He hasn’t been in a serious relationship with this other woman, but he has a great sexual chemistry with her and they get along well. Physically, this woman is very appealing to him.

Conversely, this man’s current woman is very good to him but he has some hang ups about her. One of his hang ups is that he isn’t as physically attracted to her as he would like. This woman, however, is a sweetie. He’s afraid to leave her because of the self-esteem damage it may do to her. So he stays. He’s out with this outside woman one day and asks himself “why am I not with her?” He went on to tell me that many times we settle for the prototype of what we want in a person.

Protoype –  1.The original or model on which something is based or formed. 2. Someone or something that serves to illustrate the typical qualities of a class; model.

(Taken from dictionary.com)

See Also:  What's the point of dating?

What this tells me is that prototypes can be pretty general and pretty vague. In reference to automobiles, prototypes are always tinkered with after their initial release. We may have a general idea of what we want. As a matter of  fact, most of us have a lot of things in common as it pertains to what we look for in someone. But at the same time, we’re not all into each other. We make tweaks of our own when it comes to prototypes through break-ups and self-improvement.

Ultimately, there’s a difference between what we generally want and what we really want. That disconnect can pretty much be paralleled with dating. I think the older we get, the less we should settle for simple prototypes of who we’d like to be with. It’s alright to wait things out. I’d liken this scenario to how my mother usually shops. You see, she would see something she really wanted but it would be too expensive. So she’s notorious for not buying an item for a price she doesn’t want to pay. She usually waits til the price comes down to a point she likes.

There are no shortcuts in dating.

The reason why most of us don’t meet who we want faster is because it’s a process. In my own experience, I can meet an amazing woman but sometimes my timing sucks. Honestly, many times my timing sucks and that lady is cuffed up. Maybe some of you can relate. It’s all a process. Don’t sweat the time it takes. I rather take my time and do something right than rush and do something wrong. Let’s all hold our heads. We can get exactly what we want… I know I will.

See Also:  What Women Want From Men? ... That's Easy!

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) http://viralstatus.com/category/kahlilhaywood/ 

 

Comment(50)

  1. The Main Reason Why We Don’t Meet Who We Want Faster is because too many people focus on bs dating rules & unrealistic "standards" instead of truly getting to know someone, their character & learning to love the flaws along w/ the strengths.

    1. funny Im writing a post on this exact thing, liking someone and doing what you want suddenly became taboo, everything has to be a battle for leverage, I loathe the paranoia in dating

    1. It's all semantics. You don't see it as rushing, but the fact that you invoked the "age" factor implies that you are rushing even if subconsciously. No one likes to feel rushed, just like you ladies don't like being rushed in bed.

  2. 1. The marketplace is different. As you eloquently pointed out with your friend. Attraction is everything. Everything else is a welcomed bonus.

    As a collarary to that, a lot of people really have not taken an inventory of what we really want, therefore just flailing in the wind. And accumulate baggage in the process.

    2. There is no sense of urgency outside of women who eggs are drying up.

    3. Most regular people are meant to find someone who meets the core needs, whatever yours are (80%). A lot of us are chasing for the impossible amazing all-in-one person (80% + 20%).

    Especially when we are talking about American Black families, the parents aren’t creating kick-azz kids that are worthy of dating short-long or long-term, you usually get one or the other.

    So, a lot of is are chasing that perfect person, and we overlook the people who are just good-enough, and we end up alone.

    I think that about covers it.

    1. I knew I forgot something.

      A lot of us don’t put in the time to become a kick azz partner. But we expect to the get top-shelf partners regardless.

      Good Day

    2. Adonis…

      Ya know, if you left more comments like this – concise, straight to the point, minus conflicting and often rambling points – you'd make yours, and by extension ours, life a lot easier. While I have my doubts, I hope this becomes a rule, rather than an exception.

      Just a thought.

      1. @WIM

        But wait, wait. That woula make TOO much sense & I would get too many likes & become one of the cool kids.

        We can't have THAT now. Can we?

        I cannot comment if I am not having fun.

        1. "We can't have THAT now. Can we?"

          Certainly not. I saw "Adonis", then saw a +20 comment rating. Then double-checked and saw "Adonis". Then double-checked and saw a +20 comment rating. Then I looked outside for signs of the apocalypse.

  3. funny Im writing a post on this exact thing, liking someone and doing what you want suddenly became taboo, everything has to be a battle for leverage, I loathe the paranoia in dating

  4. also we waste a lot of time on dead ends, that relationship you know you isn’t going anywhere,.that ex you took way too long to get over, that emotionally unavailable person you think you gonna win over, those weeks, months, years add up…instead of meeting someone great at 27 you meet at 32, now your priorities shifted, now 3-4 years until potential marriage/family seems like a lifetime and now you have no more time to waste. It’s like money, the more you have the easier it is to waste

  5. Also we have way too many "deal-breakers" in modern dating. We are too quick to give up on people. We rather microwave partnerships instead of slow-roasting them.

  6. I definitely agree. It take us quite some time to figure out who WE are as a person and to determine exactly what we need. It doesn't help that we absorb so much noise from the news, websites (No shots SBM!) and friends, which can cloud our judgement.

    Everyone should take the time to step back, assess who you are and what you need, what you can bring to the table, and then take a proactive approach to finding it.

  7. Homeboy sounds hella selfish. How could him breaking up with her mess up her self-esteem??? (Sorry, I'm probably focusing on the wrong thing.) I'm a firm believer of not wasting people's time. If I don't feel like a guy is The One, I keep it moving. Clearly when I was younger I settled because I felt I had all the time in the world-plus, I didn't know any better. I think as we get older, we shouldn't short-change ourself or others. If this person isn't for you, move out of the way so you can both get what you want and deserve.

  8. "I'd rather take my time and do something right than rush and do something wrong."

    This is the chapter I'm in right now. I make no excuses for flags or stop signs. If I know in my heart of hearts that it isn't right for me or has no potential to become what I ultimately want, I keeps it moving. I'm not doing "in the meantime" relationships either. I'm keeping myself free for the right prospects.

    From my perspective, the best way to get the relationship I want is to move my life forward…cause he's in the future. So, I work on me and my goals…enjoying my life for me…trusting that he'll meet me where I'm going.

      1. I'm totally confused, lol. I'm trying to figure out how your comment applies to what I said. Did something I typed imply that I agreed with stringing folks along?

        Also, I believe the quote was talking about the time it takes to find the right partner…not being overly anxious about it. *shrugs*

        1. ""I'd rather take my time and do something right than rush and do something wrong."
          This is the chapter I'm in right now." <— I am in that chapter too.

          Women do not like when people are in this chapter because if you tell them you want to make sure it's right and that you're sure it's what you want to do they think you either know or you don't. Women typically want matters of the heart to be resolved on their time. Trust me on this one, you tell a woman you're not ready to commit and you're designated "typical" not that you're taking your time.

          Does that make sense?

        2. Gotcha!!!!

          What I can say is that I usually know "this dude ain't it" within 2-4 wks, lol. And I always all-the-way fade to black…cause I don't wanna give mixed signals. I clearly communicate "this is a no-go" to the guy and stop communicating with him. #NoNewFriends LOL. I'm not so sure guys do that…

          If we make it past a month though, then that's when "stringing along" may come into play…I was falsely accused of this by a man once, btw. It's cause people feel like once they put in a certain amount of time dating one person, it "must" turn into a relationship. I've been there. I just know better now.

        3. @Cyn81 @Dr.J

          I remember someone on this site writing a post about if Rosa Acosta was ready & was checking for said man, he would get ready, etc. Maybe I said that, but I believe that came from a different brillance while I was still learning.

          My take is simple. Women want a ready-made men the older they get, The older, The more ready-made Their eggs are drying up but she still wants that all-ecompassing man, which gets more difficult as her beauty wanes. YMMV per particular woman

          Men, for the most part want a younger, hotter woman to invest in. And if you can fix your face to say "invest" in this particular woman, we are assuming she has decent relationship intangibles & and the downsides are minimal.

          Men assume alot of risk when marrying a girl. Women lack appreciation for that sacrifice. So, I strongly emcourage men to do all kinds of investigations, research & if she don't feel right, it ain't right. Cause she knows it ain't good fit either. But she gotta settle.

          Good Day.

        4. LOL @ you and this "eggs drying up" stuff. Most of us aren't 40+ on here…and even they are having babies well into their 4th decade with minimal issues. Women don't get unreasonable as they get older. We become BS intolerant as we get older (which makes us look picky)…but I don't think that's limited to gender.

          As most relationship-minded adults do, I just want a responsible, well-adjusted adult that I'm compatible with and attracted to. There's no conspiracy here.

          The real culprit is timing. When it's the right time, you'll meet the right person. Patience is all that's required.

        5. I believe the timing was meant more towards "being alone" to choose, not "being with a person" to choose. But that might just be how I read it.

        6. "Women typically want matters of the heart to be resolved on their time."

          Preach !!!!!!………and pass the offering plate around.

  9. So true! Sometimes something great comes along but if you aren’t in that right mindset, you could mess it up or not be able to handle that situation. Sometimes it does get tough especially seeing everyone start families and what not but you have to believe what is due is coming to you.

  10. Although I generally agree, I must say that you can't really "get what you want." Or at least not always. If that was the case, everyone would be happy and our blog would be defunct. The reality is most of us are not very good at differentiating our wants from our needs. In fact, most people equate what they want from a person and a relationship with what they need. These are not one in the same.

    I can't believe I'm saying this, but as Adonis said above, most of us can find about 80% of what we want in a person but for whatever reason, we feel/think/know we deserve 100% of what we want. This happens for a few, but it is rare. For most people, it is impossible. Regardless of age or time, if you have a checklist that must be complete – depending on how stringent your list – you can decide between having a checklist to hold you at night or finding someone who possesses the majority of what you want and all that you need. Perfection is a noble goal, but it is often also a figment of our imagination.

    1. "The reality is most of us are not very good at differentiating our wants from our needs. In fact, most people equate what they want from a person and a relationship with what they need. These are not one in the same." This right here is gospel and most people need a serious reality check to actually have staying power in relationship. I noticed this at a very early age, most people want Everything for Nothing. Meaning, they want and expect your very best consistently on a daily basis, yet are not giving it in return. And some people want Pure Perfection when that is simply non-existent.
      As u stated WIM wants and needs are totally different for most of us. I heard a saying once that true happiness is achieved when your wants and needs are one in the same.
      That right there pretty much sums up the problem. Many people waste waaaay too much time chasing after what they want trying to make it what they need. Feeling like if they don't get what they want and need they are settling. Not realizing that what you want will only give you temporary happiness and satisfaction, while what you need sustains you and keeps you alive.
      That was an excellent point WIM. Mad Props 🙂

  11. Yes there is a sense of entitlement we cultivate after having more than a couple of bad experiences. We believe that we "deserve" that %100 in our "soul mate" when the averages are closer to %80, then develop these defense mechanisms and false liberation ideals because we are over 30 and still single. Most of us don't take the time to do a self-assessment, but project our shortcomings, insecurities, and idiosyncracies on others

  12. Can we agree that there is a certain level of tolerance that both men and women should practice in a relationship? We all have our funny ways about us the trick is finding someone to love us IN SPITE of this fact!

  13. -People think that there has to be this fairytale chemistry for it to be right. I disagree. I think chemistry is simply lust. It's nice to get to know someone and grow to admire the simple little things about them. This takes time.
    – People don't really know what they want. They only know what they don't want this is a problem when dating. Even if u know what u want nobody's gonna fit that bill.
    -When u get to a point where u r in control of your life by having control your thinking you can make better decisions for yourself aka u can see the 80% as good and stop trippin on that last lil 20

  14. I agree with this article from a male's perspective. However if a narrative was a female, she would be criticized for not having a partner. In my opinion, society accepts women to date/ be in a relationship with males for the company, security, the idea of having a mate, etc. Thus, the need to "generally want" a man is the ideal for a woman. Yet, if a female is in the category of "really want[ing]" the ideal, she is automatically typecast as "cold", "celibate", "fear of intimacy", "scorned", "man-hater", "a business woman first, a nurturing woman second"etc. especially if she waits patiently for the ideal mate.
    I am a female who "really wants" to be with a man who will be loyal to me and protect me no matter the consequences. I haven't been in a relationship for five years now and I get judge by strangers, colleagues, friends and relatives. I know what I want and I think settling for something as a replacement is a lost cause.
    It is a double standard because males can have an extensive period of selecting via females are pawns. As for females, we have a limited period (via the "life span of our ovaries") to select.

  15. True words sir. Outside pressures and the feeling of being on a time constraint put people in a "trickbag" so to speak, where they feel as though they have to have *someone*. Kudos to anyone who is willing to be patient in the process.
    My recent post Late Night Thoughts…

  16. BEAUTEologie Alter Ego articles are all written by a dating coach with advice for men such as recent articles 12 Things Men Should Know About Women and KEY WARDROBE ESSENTIALS EVERY MAN SHOULD OWN

  17. “Tristan”
    also we waste a lot of time on dead ends, that relationship you know you isn’t going anywhere,.that ex you took way too long to get over, that emotionally unavailable person you think you gonna win over, those weeks, months, years add up…instead of meeting someone great at 27 you meet at 32, now your priorities shifted, now 3-4 years until potential marriage/family seems like a lifetime and now you have no more time to waste. It’s like money, the more you have the easier it is to waste

    <~ This is the story of my LIFE as of 01/09/13 6:45am
    Thank you..now I gota figure out what to do from here. Any suggestions?

  18. As someone else posted on this thread or another The “taking time theory” is sum Bullshh b/c if Rosa Acosta or Morris Chestnut were single and offered you’d be ready! let’s be real

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