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Celibacy: Do You Stay Or Go?

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celibate woman

(Photo Courtesy: Rollingout.com)

For some reason or another, the topic of celibacy was on my mind the other day. In the realm of relationships, the topic has always fascinated me. I wanted to bring you all my ideas and see if you could relate. Maybe some of you have your own stories to share or thoughts on why you should stay with a celibate partner. I look forward to reading them.

I will be the first to admit that when I’ve been in a good sexual relationship, one question always rears its ugly head. Don’t know if the fellas would be with me on this one. I’ve been asked on a couple of occasions by a woman “What would you do if I said I wanted to be celibate?” Sound familiar? Well, I would usually answer quite honestly and say this: I might give it a shot, but I would probably leave. I promise you I couldn’t force myself to give any other kind of response. I truly feel this way in my heart and I know it will be difficult for me to have a dating experience with a celibate man. This here speaks to a deeper issue. My honest response wasn’t met with happiness or thankfulness. The response was quite the contrary, which should be expected, I suppose. Me not wanting to go on the same journey as the woman I’m seeing was seen as wrong.

See Also:  Are These Women* Loyal? Some Men Sure Aren't.

What happens in relationships when one party wants to abstain sexually and one does not?

A common answer to the question is, “easier said than done.” Many things are easier said than done, but there’s a lot of shit we just have to do. So with a response like the one I gave above, many people would say you can’t just do that after being with someone for a long period. I can most definitely dig that.

At this point, it’s a matter of who you are and what you can handle.

This is my philosophy. Someone abstaining from sex is fine. If it’s important to them, I can surely respect it. Conversely, maybe sex is very important to you and you want to have it. Why are you seen as selfish or insensitive where in reality you’re just being honest like your partner?

I always say that unless both parties talk about and agree to be celibate, then being celibate is a single decision. It does not mean I don’t love you. It does not mean I’m in it only for sex. I simply think it means you’re just not trying to participate in something that your partner likes. If your partner cannot handle it, I think it’s quite fine to leave.

See Also:  Were Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells Justified in Their Lolo Jones Comments?

As a man, I have always felt there was an idea that we must stay or else. I guess I’m tired of that idea. This time, I understand the plethora of reasoning as to why people may want to be celibate. I happen to feel that most of them are irrelevant enough to think a partner will just stay off the strength of because you made an independent decision. Why should I be labeled selfish for not wanting to be celibate? All the while you made a singular decision to no longer have sex? I don’t think anyone wins with the selfish argument. I simply think parties need to be understanding of one another, whether or not they agree to be celibate together or not. Respect is always paramount.

Have any of you made the decision to be celibate in a relationship? How was that decision met by your partner? If someone doesn’t want to stay involved, do you consider them shallow? Do you really think you should stay with a celibate partner?

I’d love to go back and forth on this, talk to me.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) http://viralstatus.com/category/kahlilhaywood/ 

Comment(147)

  1. Interesting that this blog entry comes up now as I'm dealing with this same issue with my girlfriend. I'm somewhat conservative, so I believe in courtship and getting to know a woman before making love to her, and I'm passed the point where I would like to be intimate with my current girlfriend. Now she is claiming she wants to wait for sex… Until marriage.  And you know what? I could probably rock with that and be faithful to her if she was a virgin. 

    My problem is that just weeks before we met she made a special trip out of town to give up that good-good to her ex (who wasn't about  nothin according to her) to get that itch scratched. Now, she's claiming she wants to wait with me because I'm marriage material and she doesn't want to mess our relationship up with sex. 

    She's a great girl who is ambitious, smart, beautiful and warm, but it seems cruel that she would hold out on me for some faux virtue when  I know she has given it up to at least a handful of thugs in her past.  It's like I'm being punished for having my sh*t together. Bet you I could get some if I was just another do-nothin ninja! I swear it's hard to achieve black love in these streets!

    I'm at the point where I would feel validated to cheat on her, so I plan to give her an ultimatum. Drop them drawers or find some other chump to play this game with.

    1. If you guys are near marriage, I would wait it out.
      If not, keep strong on that ultimatum. In this modern
      age getting to know a partner is smart but doesn't mean
      you wanna wait forever.

    2. Damn I wanna tell you so bad to go get some on-the-side-nook-nook from the next chick just to make sure you good til marriage…but i wont suggest that..I wont suggest that at all..lol

    3. So she thinks you’re marriage material but somehow thinks that if she gives it up you’re going to change completely…women. I wouldn’t endorse cheating but I think the ultimatum is necessary, love isn’t about tests and manipulation

    4. Conservative brotha . I think you need to ask yourself of this is someone you could really see yourself marrying . Seems like she’s taking the Megan good approach, ( celibate and got married in 6 months ) maybes she’s hoping celibacy and waiting until marriage will get you guys talking about future plans quicker .

      I understand your frustration, your acting like a stand up guy and one worth her intimacy, yet she makes you wait , but all the other jerks got a free ride. But it’s her body and just like there are women who may have given you their best but didn’t move past ” friend ” or ” cut buddy” , sometimes you just get the short end of the stick.

      I know this makes men mad. But were all shaped by experiences , maybe those guys that didn’t treat her right only focused on sex, or vice versa maybe she ended up with bad partners because she let sex blind her. It seems like your issue isn’t with not having sex but just the fact that you feel cheated out of an experience that less that qualified partners got to try. But then maybe your like the other guys because sex is still the main focus.

      1. "It seems like your issue isn't with not having sex but just the fact that you feel cheated out of an experience that less that qualified partners got to try. But then maybe your like the other guys because sex is still the main focus."

        …that's unfair

        Let’s flip it shall we…
        (Hypothetical Disclaimer) I used to shower my women with gifts. Take them on exotic vacations, let them hang with my parents, buy flowers…just because, go to church with them, rub their feet, …etc. But ALL those women did me wrong, didn’t work out or maybe I was an immature super-simp. So, now that I‘ve met you; a standup women in every way, I’m going to NOT do ANY of that, ‘cause I want you to love me for me and not for my past bad relationship behavior. AND if we make it to marriage, I don’t exactly promise that I’ll began doing any of the things that I used to…because, you know…I have issues.

        1. That makes great sense…
          One challenge I find in relationships is that we are culturally bent on demonizing sex; when the fact of the matter is that men are chemically and inherently wired to want sex and/or increased physical activity in the event that they are invited to do all the above: It's a natural means of encouraging and coaching a man to put forth the effort needed to act outside of himself emotionally and provide for the opposite sex. But when he's not getting the proper trade-off (which is meant to physically and socially fuel his desire to continue going the extra mile), women act surprised when he stops :s.
          Society got women thinking sex is evil and it's easy for them to follow the gimmick: They're not wired to want sex to the same extent/reasons as the male species, so the 'celibacy campaign' makes it easier for women to stay in their comfort zone; taxing their male counterparts without making themselves vulnerable to compensate him accordingly.

        2. CORRECTION: "…fuel his desire to continue going the extra mile while at the same time replenishing what's spent…"

        3. "(Hypothetical Disclaimer) I used to shower my women with gifts. Take them on exotic vacations, let them hang with my parents, buy flowers…just because, go to church with them, rub their feet, …etc. But ALL those women did me wrong, didn’t work out or maybe I was an immature super-simp. So, now that I‘ve met you; a standup women in every way, I’m going to NOT do ANY of that, ‘cause I want you to love me for me and not for my past bad relationship behavior. AND if we make it to marriage, I don’t exactly promise that I’ll began doing any of the things that I used to…because, you know…I have issues."

          Men do exactly this ^^^. Thanks for providing the context in which it is done! Saved me some characters to type.
          My recent post What Women Want

        4. LOL at "Bitter Brian," but so true.

          No one wants to be hurt. The man is protecting himself in HIGH FIVE GHOSTS hypo, and in the celibacy scenario, the woman is protecting herself. When you have sex with a woman, you truly are getting the best of her, the greatest gift she can truly give. Her ex has already gotten it, so it's easier to go back to someone you're comfortable with. However, when entering a new relationship, you go back into protection mode until the guy successfully breaks down her walls (no pun intended).
          My recent post What Women Want

        5. Good question. I would feel slighted, but I would also understand where he is coming from. My love language is not Gifts, so in your scenario, it wouldn't make me want to break up with him because those kinds of things aren't important to me. As long as he showed me he loved me the way I like to be shown that I am loved, we're good.

          The guy above did not say sex was that important to him, only that he is upset bc she was busting open for others, so he feels he is entitled to the same. If he sees her in his future, or as wife material, he will wait. I strongly believe this. It's not like he knows what he's missing yet! Besides, most of us, prior to getting into other relationships were sexually active with our exes. This is nothing new. The only difference is he KNOWS how long before they met she busted it open and in what manner. No bueno.
          My recent post What Women Want

        6. “I would feel slighted”.
          …and there you have it. “Slighted” is just an embryonic form of resentment.

          “As long as he showed me he loved me the way I like to be shown that I am loved, we're good.”
          Admirable. But we’re talkin bout him…and that might be the way he wants to be shown that he’s loved. I know, the easy route is to show him as this jealous, sex fiend(ed), bitter ‘cause the last dude “hit it first” type of guy. Well, newsflash…That’s his woman. He can’t feel that way? I mean…damn.

          “If he sees her in his future, or as wife material, he will wait.”
          I agree!… But he WILL resent……oh yeah!!!

          “It's not like he knows what he's missing yet!”
          He’s missing SEX.

        7. I never said he couldn't feel that way. All I'm saying is that he also needs to try to understand where SHE is coming from. Maybe he isn't showing that he wants more with her, so she is hesitant to give him the goods.

          As a guy, you are so quick to jump on his side, but she may have good reason for holding out.
          My recent post What Women Want

        8. “As a guy, you are so quick to jump on his side, but she may have good reason for holding out.”

          Burn.!…pass the Campho-Phenique (do they still make that?)

          HFG sees both sides which is why I don’t comment on topics that contain un-defendable male BS. This isn’t the case here…..and besides, I’m on a (men vs. women) blog site where one-sidedness is appreciated.

          It’s tennis out here……good match tho, I appreciate it.

        9. Thats the point tho isnt it? None of those pathways are fair to either one. The issue with this is that she only chose to be celibate BECAUSE she thinks he is marriage material. She didnt just change because of her past mistakes, or prep him before they progressed along in the relationship. If she found somebody not as good, who knows what her outlook on sex would be. Using him as the guinea pig to see if not giving chex out wil work is wrong…..period

        10. No one's saying it's fair, but people who are truly down for you will be there to do whatever they need to do to convince you that they are serious about a future with you and make you feel comfortable giving them the goods. Even if that means refraining from sex.

          That's life!
          My recent post What Women Want

    5. "Maybe those guys that didn't treat her right only focused on sex, or vice versa maybe she ended up with bad partners because she let sex blind her. It seems like your issue isn't with not having sex but just the fact that you feel cheated out of an experience that less that qualified partners got to try."

      Smilez_920 hit the nail on the head! It sounds like she's shaped by her past experiences If people want a different outcome, they usually decide to change their behavior. If she's at a place in her life now that she wants to be married, she isn't going to do what she did before because every guy she's been with in the past didn't treat her right or she allowed sex to blind her; she now wants to do things differently.

      You need to ask yourself, "Is she my future wife?" If you believe that this woman is going to be your wife, then you'd respect her decision to be celibate and you'll go through that journey with her. Focus on strengthening your relationships mentally, spiritually and emotionally. If you don't see her as "the one" then it would make sense to move on.

      1. @Diva
        Well I think if this is someone he considers his future wife, they should go to a relationship counselor. I think they need to discuss the underlying reasons behind her deciding to be celibate now. Again it’s her choice and she can do what she please, but if she’s doing it simply because she thinks once she has chex with him he’ll stop being “good”, then that’s a whole different issue. I mean even if the get married, with that mind set sex will become a token, like a doggy biscuit something you get for simply being good and not an experience that is shared between two people who love each other and have a spiritual connection.

        Also it seems like she’s just trying this because her ex, tooted and booted it. I mean if she went back to her ex, they had chex, and he said I want to work things out, would she had continued to have chex with him?

        He shouldn’t pressure her but he has the right to have his emotional/physical needs met, it seems like he likes this woman a lot and isn’t just trying to get in her pants.

    6. “…she's claiming she wants to wait with me because I'm marriage material and she doesn't want to mess our relationship up with sex. “
      “It's like I'm being punished for having my sh*t together”

      What I would ask her, before the ultimate ultimatum, is what assurances do I get in return for all this waiting?
      1. Perfect and frequent sex for life?
      2 . Perfect & frequent [email protected] for life? (yeah that’s a separate thing)
      3. The marriage will last?
      4. You won’t EVER change (get mean, [email protected], complacent…etc)?
      5. 301 sandwiches- a year, every year?
      6. 2 NBA and one MLB playing sons?
      If the answer to half of these is “I guarantee it”, then keep waiting.

      Oh yeah, and you ARE being punished for having your ish together.

        1. You see I don't get this whole "What if the sex is wack when you finally hit? " mess. Of course the first time or TWO may be a hit or miss, but if you are committed to each other in making your relationship work and the emotional bond is strong you should be willing and open to teach each other and show one another how you like to be pleased…

        2. We are >>here<< on this. Just because you are not having chex doesn't mean you aren't touching each other at all. You should by then have a pretty firm grasp (pun intended) of what makes your partner tingle, and be trusting enough in the relationship to tell your partner what you do a do not like.
          The only exception is if one partner lacks "communication" experience due to sex being considered "shameful" or "dirty" by either their religion or past trauma. That's a BIG hill to climb.
          My recent post Out &amp; About; BLF at the Launch of Eva Mendes for New York &amp; Company!

        3. lol I guess it to each its own. But we all end up teaching our partners a little something. I think it's just frustrating to think about having to teach your wife on your wedding night how to do all the nasty things you've been waiting for (plus the pressure).

          Plus it’s not like she’s a Virgin, she could be a stone cold freak, I mean she was just busting it up a few weeks prior so, it’s not like she has no tricks up her sleeve.

        4. See….loose ones cant be taught anything tho. What if im so excited to pounce on this thing for waiting, and i fall into it? You tellin me I waited months, possibly multiple years to get some walls that dont even touch??……nah

        5. "What if the sex is wack when you finally hit?"

          That's my main issue with "waiting". If I marry you and then we finally have sex and you can't get it up, can't last long, don't know how to hit it right, boring in bed, etc etc then i'd feel cheated. That's grounds for an annulment in my book.

        6. The sex WILL be wack trust me if she has not had sex in months and he has not had any in months he is not going to last. Things get much better after that. I have been in two relationships were it was a few months before the boyfriend and I had sex and each time on the first time it was terrible. Its all I’m sorry and I knew that was gonna happen fast. Its just life.

    7. I am going to be extremely frank with you because you were brave enough to come here with your complete truth (my internet won't let me be great, so I have to break this up).

      Your relationship is already over.

      You are not upset with your love(?) because you haven't gotten any (I put the question mark in there because nowhere did you mention you loved her, or if you considered her with the same "marriage material" regard as she did you), you are RESENTFUL that she has "given it up" to people who you deem "inferior".

      My recent post Out &amp; About; BLF at the Launch of Eva Mendes for New York &amp; Company!

      1. **pause for one second. Can we please stop this "good man" narrative where your redeeming quality is that you aren't an "ain't ish" dude? I question the validity of the person's merit if all they have to compare themselves to are other people's failures. Moving along.**
        You have already had the seeds of bitterness and resentment planted, and no matter WHAT her decision is you are going to hold it against her. Tell her it isn't going to work out, and tell her why. Maybe this will assist her in future relationships.
        NOW, if you believe you can move forward without resentment, the answer to your problem is easier than you think-stop asking for it. I'm breaking code here, but getting a woman er..riled up enough times and walking away will do the trick.
        My recent post Out &amp; About; BLF at the Launch of Eva Mendes for New York &amp; Company!

        1. SECURITY BREACH!!!!!!!!

          *back away from the vault*

          But ummm yeah I agree, ole boy is definitely feelin some kinda way, but he ain't alone in his thought process. #MenLogic

        2. There are times when women simply talk too much. Telling a man that you let your less upstanding ex hit is stupid. What good could come of that information?

        3. Yea, she needs an older woman around her to let her know, what to share and what not to share.

          Things to share : Yes I've had sex before

          Things not to share: Yea I had chex with my ex who did me dirty who I hate , like 4 weeks ago because I ran out of tripple A batteries

        4. @amaris79

          girl u are soooo on point w/ everything ur saying up in this post. The bitterest men can be hard to spot because they're hiding behind the "I'm a good guy/ not a thug" facade

      2. "you are RESENTFUL that she has "given it up" to people who you deem "inferior".
        BINGO Amaris.
        This statement right here supports Amaris theory – "I'm somewhat conservative, so I believe in courtship and getting to know a woman before making love to her, and I'm passed the point where I would like to be intimate with my current girlfriend. Now she is claiming she wants to wait for sex… Until marriage. And you know what? I could probably rock with that and be faithful to her if she was a virgin."

        1. Regardless of if this woman has been with 50 men before you or if she is a virgin the bottom line is do you love her enough to spend your life with her? Is the love Unconditional & Everlasting? Is it deep enough. In a marriage and relationship there are No Guarantees! Your taking a chance. Only question to answer is if you want to take a chance with the person your currently with.
          And she could give it up on the 2nd date and the sex be off the richter scale and she could rock your world, but, if she overspends and doesn't pay bills on time, her credit is like 400 or worse, she is selfish as hell in other area's, she starts takin you for granted and you move way down on her list of priorities, you both don't share basic principles, morals, and child-rearing ideas how she is in bed and who she's been with before you won't mean a damn thing and won't help those situations.

        2. I spoke with a cowrker currently going thru a divorce after 10 yrs of marriage about this today.
          She said the things you need to discuss and agree on Prior to marriage is how to handle bills and finances, your beliefs on child-rearing, how you both will handle house-hold responsibilities and child care-taking responsibilities, religious beliefs, and what you need on a consistent basis to be truly happy with that person. At the end of the day, those are at the root of divorces and break-ups when u really look at the bigger picture. Plus the fact that people just don't know how to get along with each other and live with and be with another person for life. Trust & Believe when "things start getting real" sex will be the least of your worries.

    8. I'd simply tell her that although you respect her right to make this decision, that's not a path you're commited to taking (celibacy) and that you probably need to separate.

      To me, the reasoning and all is irrelevant. Either you can handle not doing-the-do till you get married or you can't. Seems like you can't…cause A) you can't and B) you don't respect her reasoning. But, the bottom line is that you can't.

      I hate ultimatums, btw. Just make your decision. If she opts to do something different after that, she'll let you know.

      1. Basically, Cyn

        It’s seems like he wants to be rewarded for being a stand up guy. That in itself doesn’t make you a stand up guy. Granted I understand you may be frustrated because her reasoning is based on what other men did and you feel you aren’t getting a fair shot. If you really liked her and you can wait for marriage supposedly, then you’re going to wait.

        It seems like you’re just mad her ex got the chance to hit recently, and you just missed the last train smoking into that box. Just be honest, tell her while you want o wait until she comfortable to have sex, you can’t wait until marriage. If you say I’ll only wait until marriage if “insert specifics here” you can’t wait until marriage.

        And yea, don’t pressure her either. Seems like you might be sweating her about it a little about it and that’s why she’s giving you the “I don’t want you to stop acting sweet” because when you start pressuring, you start to lose the good-guy qualities.

        1. SMilez_920: "It’s seems like he wants to be rewarded for being a stand up guy."

          No, he just doesn't want to be punished for being a stand up guy.

          To head off the person at the pass who wants to play semantics with "stand up guy", I'll rephrase that. He just doesn't want to be punished for being a stand up guy not being a loser.

        2. But I don’t think she’s purposely trying to punish him. I think she see’s this as a way to build a different connection than the one’s she’s had before. I can understand why ol boy is on the fence about it, but I seems like if she didn’t share the fact that “weeks” before she got some from n ex, he said he would have no issue with waiting.

        3. "But I don’t think she’s purposely trying to punish him."

          I don't either, but she is. It may be necessary for a woman to do it for whatever internal reasons, but at the end of the day the guy is headed to the bathroom with the Jergens.

          "…I(t) seems like if she didn’t share the fact that “weeks” before she got some from n ex, he said he would have no issue with waiting."

          For most men, that's not the problem and doesn't sound like the issue here: that is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. His feelings at first are, "I really want to have $ex. We've grown as a couple, gotten to know each other in many ways, and I want to know you intimately. I want to have $ex with you and you won't do it with me."

          Then after that comes, "wait, you did for all these other guys, but you won't for me? We have a connection, you think I'd leave you just because we had $ex? Do you think that little of me and not see that I love you?"

        4. "No, he just doesn't want to be punished for being a stand up guy" ummm whats the difference?
          Why is it seen as a punishment? Trust me a woman not having sex with you at the exact precise time that you want it, is not a punishment. A woman busting the windows out your car, putting a snickers in ur gas tank, locking you out the house at 3:00 am then having the locks changed before 8:00 am, making you pay alimony and extremely high child support out of spite, and going on a shopping spree with your credit cards is a punishment.
          Fella's recognize the differences.

        5. Bree: "No, he just doesn't want to be punished for being a stand up guy" ummm whats the difference?

          One is saying, "I'm a good guy, you owe me b00ty!" The other is "So it's withheld…because I'm a good guy?" Having $ex in this day and age with your significant other isn't an unreasonable expectation, so for it to be denied is a reason to be taken aback. Especially when that's not stated upfront. And note that it's not waiting until she realizes he's a good guy, his heart and emotions are invested in her, and they are officially dating. She says wait until marriage. No return. Fully vested. Put your finances and any future children we have at risk first to prove it to me.

          Although I let it slide and didn't say anything, that's why Smilez attempt to flip High_Five_Ghost's example doesn't work. There's a huge difference between "I won't spend exorbitant amounts of money on you until I know you aren't using me" and "you can't get none until we're legally married."

        6. Bree: "Trust me a woman not having sex with you at the exact precise time that you want it, is not a punishment."

          It's not $ex on demand. It's after being established as his girlfriend, he now has to wait until marriage.

          Conservative Brotha said he's courted and got to know her. She is dead wrong because she did a bait-and-switch. Her intentions were not stated up front so he could make the decision if he wanted to be celibate until marriage. She waited until he was emotionally invested in her, then she said, "I got you now! No cookie til you put a ring on it!"

        7. Thats not punishent that a woman acting like a douche who didn't get her way. Those women should be jailed for years at a time

        8. Don't all guys think they are a stand up guy compared to the previous guys the woman has been with? Even if they are worse than the last one, they still believe they are better than everyone before them. I get this with every guy I've ever dated. Guys say they don't want to hear about your ex, but they do. They want to hear the bad, so that they can compare themselves to him. Every guy I have ever dated have always considered themselves to be a stand up guy compared to any other guy, even if they were a lot worse than everyone else. SMH!

      2. Everything Cyn said is all that needs to be said. In a nutshell that about sums it up. Why people choose to complicate things and make it more than what it is I may never understand.

    9. lol at "drop them drawers."

      Though I get it. I really do. I'm curious how you knew she went and got it from the goon weeks before you met. I'm guessing she told you. In which case, let me hop up on this soap box and say this is why I'm not a fan of over-sharing in relationships. There's some sh*t you just don't need to know. This is probably on that list. Unless you asked, in which case, that's your bad.

      But perhaps this is a topic for another day. So yeah bruh, go forth with that State of the Coitus Address (SOCA).
      My recent post How to Write a Cover Letter Opening that Shows You Did Your Research

      1. Slim I think when it comes to gettin down ie "chex" with other people that is always a Need to know.
        Reason being, more often than not people do not have "responsible" sex. Consequences can range from an STD to an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy or the ex coming back to claim what they feel is theirs since they hit. What u don't know can hurt u later on down the line. Ignorance is bliss, but it can also be potentially dangerous. In the end the bliss is temporary and not worth it. ijs.

    10. Get some side nook bro. She playing games with you dude. She feeling bad because she been ran thru by so many thugs and knuckle heads she finally got a good one and she being real cautious. Making you pay the price. Sounds like she made alot of bad decisions and racked up some miles in her day. Eff all that

      1. See….just from the responses ON HERE. Talmbout some "when I hit", "Drop them drawz", "ran thru", mileage".. are you NOT seeing why women are concerned about lack of respect post-$ex?
        Women are no more obligated to give you the drawz after "time put in" then you, dear men, are to give that woman a relationship. What if every woman walked up to the guy they were dating and said "you made ___your girlfriend after two months and we've been dating four. Wifey me or I'm out". You'd think she was a little daft, no? The entire point was if you have terms for your relationship and they are not being met, WALK. but this whole undercurrent of entitlement i'm seeing here is a bit much.
        My recent post Out &amp; About; BLF at the Launch of Eva Mendes for New York &amp; Company!

        1. Amaris…all truth. It's funny how men always want women to be warden when it comes to other men getting the draws, but when it's their turn, we should just trust them, loosen up.

          While I understand some of his frustration, I also see some entitlement when he mentions who worthy and whose not.

        2. Maybe Im trippin, but if we both agree to cmmit to eachother, especially towards marriage, are we not both "entitled" to all that we have to offer in the relationship? It would be unfair to either party to remove a quality simply because you wanna "try something different," because of your past. What she really saying is…."I dont really trust that you are different from all the rest of these guys, even though i claim you are. Since I think you could still do me dirty like these thugs, lets try something different and see how you turn out." a TEST

        3. That whole last quote I did was on a completely different thought process and subject, and I shouldnt have included it….my bad lol

    11. One, I should hope it's not just a game she's playing and calling it being celibate. Two, by itself, I don't know if celibacy is the problem. But celibacy + trust issues, irritation, stress, and possibly a lowered perception of this person or other problems you may have with this person can be a real problem. I would ask you if everything else about her is what you can work with. ( I know everybody has flaws, but can you deal with her and everything else she comes with if chex isn't immediately in the picture?)
      My recent post New friends

    12. find some other chump to play this game with

      My honest view is that she thinks you are somewhat simpish. And even more honestly, I do not think she is really celibate. Something tells me that she is probably still laying on her back for the thug. Drop her ass.

    13. God just talk to her!!! A serious long conversation, tell her how you feel about being left out. Tell her that you are mature and not going to run off if you have sex. Also tell her that sex will not make you feel like marriage won’t be necessary (say i want to get marriage cuz nobody wants basterd kids and baby momas). These guys on here telling you to get something on the side don’t see that may not be easy. Its easy to say yeah imma just go get something on the side but that still takes weeks, days and months to get another woman to open it up. Unless u into paying prostitutes and sex worker, jobless women, or strippers. I don’t encourage that cuz u may get something condoms don’t protect against like herpes, warts and crabs. Talk in person be gentle and passionate over dinner or something and you might just get lucky that night.

  2. I shall take your convictions as seriously as you do. Like Cb’s girl, don’t give me a morality rap when you busting it open for the next guy. My girl is obligated to give me anything but at the same time I’m not obligated to be with her either, it doesn’t make me shallow or selfish, I’m in pursuit of my own happiness.

    1. If ur "in pursuit of your own happiness" your nowhere near ready for a serious committed relationship, much less marriage. One of the most impnt things I learned from my married family members was that Ty Perry quote "when you commit to someone you trade in the I's for We & Us."
      Selfishness has no place in committed relationships and definitely not marriages. It will end quicker than it began.

      1. I Just Can't Take 'No More'.

        Bree … Darling …

        Please Help Me Understand How it is NOT Selfish for Her to Make the Decision She Made (which I'm cool with): But Selfish for HIM to Question If Her Decision is Right for HIM (which I also agree with)?

        Relationships are Always TWO People Trying to Find Common Ground Between Them for Their Own Individual/Selfish Lives. He Owes Her NOTHING (in terms of waiting) and She Owes Him NOTHING (in terms of 'giving it up'). They Both Need to Go Their Separate Ways and Just Be Friends. They Are Not in the 'Same Space and Time' in Their Lives. And That's OK for Both. It is What It Is. I'm Just Saying; He is No More Obligated to Stay and Wait Than She is to Give it Up. It's Not About Being Selfish. It's Each of Them Doing What is Right for Their Own Lives.

        Just My Opinion …

    2. That doesn't make sense. Why is your girl obligated to give you anything but you owe nothing? Did you mean both of you don't owe each other anything?

  3. If my partner decided he wanted to be celibate after we’ve already been intimate, I would questions is there an issue in the relationship . You don’t just start being intimate with someone and stop out the blue, there’s usually an issue or motive.

  4. It’s definitely important to come to the celibacy decision together. The bf and I have been celibate for a few months after dating for more than 3 years. It’s tough but because we’re on the same page, we make it work.

    1. "because we're on the same page, we make it work."
      BKen thats all thats really necessary. If your on the same page you work it out. If not you let it go and walk away.

  5. Well I’m the women and I’m not withholding sex, he is. He says it’s down to stress, but we are talking 4 years now. It just doesn’t add up. It’s not my first relationship, but it is my first one like this.

    At first I just thought we had different sex drive levels. I have heard of women only wanting it a couple times a week, so I was a bit put out! I’m used to at least twice daily.. even when I’m shattered I still like that one little orgasm to get me off to sleep. But I thought well, I can live with that, because I like being in Love with this person.

    It took a few months before I realized he had a very active sex life if you count cam girls. It was so hard for me to make him see that, it’s one thing to watch pr0n, it’s another to PAY someone to do what ever you ask, and it’s another thing entirely to do all this INSTEAD of sex when you are with someone who does WAY more in the bedroom than what you are watching. He did a lot of ‘firsts’ with me. His, not mine.

    We’ve split up so many times because I can’t live without sex. It’s not just the sex you know? Its the bonding you do, a cuddle doesn’t cover it, if you ask me. In a relationship sex is all you have that makes the difference between a lover and a best friend.

    I’m in a cycle because of this lack of sex.
    It’s really hard to convince your heart to move on when there’s no arguments, you get on so well, you are on the same page in every way. I’m not a believer in ‘the one’ and all that. I know I’ll find another person to be in love with and feel this strong (done it enough times to know now) But some how I keep believing that one more chance and he will finally get in to sex again.

  6. If he wanted to become celibate after we are in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I would definitely keep asking questions until I am satisfied and make sure that this means that marriage is our end goal. Please don't try to find yourself by going celibate in a relationship, it's a waste of both of our times. I don't think I would want to go celibate in a relationship because he made a good point that, i had been giving it up to dudes who hasn't done what he has so it's almost like a kick in the teeth. However, I will not have sex with a man until I we both have decided that we are going to be committed in the very near future.

  7. I have been in a relationship for 3 years, the man I’m with is incredible. We’ve been intimate over the span of those 3 years, recently I turned my life over to Christ and realized my premarital affairs had to end. (He was actually the one who urged me to seek religion.) Upon my decision to become celibate, I learned literally a few months ago I was the one who took his virginity. He had been in prior relationships with women who were religious and was okay with celibacy, his last relationship before me was 4years. Its unfortunate now that upon me telling him these new changes he tells me he isn’t sure if he can do the whole wait for marriage, mind you we’ve talked about marriage and how much we see each other as husband and wife. I honestly feel if he waited before he can wait again. But if he can’t as devistating as it would be to leave it may be what is best. *not compromising salvation for no roll in the hay*

    1. “I honestly feel if he waited before he can wait again.”

      HFG is not religious AT ALL, after have been religious most of my life, That being said, I understand and respect your stance However, if you can’t understand his plight, consider these…

      1. You took his virginity and sexual immaturity for 3 yrs…enough time to explore and know exactly how to be sex(ed)

      2. You (likely) are all he knows. (which can be a gift OR a curse)

      3. He really wants you. (which depending on how old you are, becomes a bigger statement later…trust me)

      4. You won’t like this one but (even for God), you can’t just turn off the motor once it’s sparked (that is not to say that you can’t hold the brake…but the motor is GOING to keep running.

      5. He’s a man. (and your church is filled w/ women that will)…just sayin

      If you want to keep him, I suggest “non sexually” addressing these variables.

    2. Christian to Christian: "*not compromising salvation for no roll in the hay*"

      Let me say that we shouldn't take advantage of God's grace. You should live according to your convictions…and so should he. If that means you have to part ways, fine. HOWEVER, Christ died for all sin (past, present, and future). Forgiveness is ours to receive. Once you confess and believe in Christ, salvation is yours. Its a free gift that cannot be earned. There are no levels to sin. Whether you fornicate or act in anger, you will not lose your salvation. If you could earn heaven, there would be no need for Jesus. "Burn" (in 1 Cor. 7:9) meant burn with lust (being all over the place with whomever whenever) not burn in hell. If you are covered in the blood, the only way you can compromise your salvation is to reject God (worship other Gods, stop believing, etc.).

      I hope you both make the right choice for your path/future. 🙂

    3. My First Thought Was: If It's Been a Three Year Relationship It's Time for a Ring and Somebody to Walk Down the Isle.

      After Reading Farther I Think You Both Need 'Space'. Don't Compromise Your Salvation. At the Same Time, If You Were His First … Chances Are He Has Some Things He Needs to 'Get Out of His System'. He Should Respect Your Decision But At The Same Time This Is: Changing the Rules in the Middle of the Game. I Know Some People Will Say: "They've Been Together This Long HE Should Just Accept It." Problem is: Men/Males (most) Want to Keep Getting It Once They Start … As Well As "Drive a Different Model" From Time to Time. He Might Be in the Tiny Percent of Men Who Can Only Sleep With One Woman in Their Life and That's It. In Our World, This America We Live In; Not Likely. Give Him Some Space and If It is Meant to Be … It Will Be.

      Just My Opinion …

  8. I have never sprung celibacy mid-relationship. I consider that an act of terrorism.
    HOWEVER, I am VERY slow to warm up to people, which can be an issue within itself.

    I once had a months-long break mid-relationship due to an extremely adverse reaction to BC-which was met with a roundtable between me, my partner and my doctor, some long discussions, and a few decisions being made. I appreciated him coming to me with what his issues were instead of pouting or worse, going outside and putting my health at risk.
    I am not in people's beds. I can't say what works for me would work with others. But, as in ALL relationship matters, you have to understand if you make a decision that is best for "you" while you're part of an "us"-you may be making that journey alone. You can't make a fundamental change in dynamic and just expect the other person to roll without a consultation.
    My recent post Out &amp; About; BLF at the Launch of Eva Mendes for New York &amp; Company!

  9. First off, great comment by Conservative Brotha.

    This is a very difficult issue. It is a personal decision made by the person that decides to be celibate, but the person has to keep in mind that their decision GREATLY affects their partner. As Amaris eloquently stated, "as in ALL relationship matters…if you make a decision that is best for "you" while you're part of an "us"-you may be making that journey alone."

    I understand and respect the personal and spiritual reasons for being celibate. It is commendable if you have the willpower to do it, but some people that make that decision act as if $ex is no big deal. If you believe otherwise, then surely you won't mind if your partner does it with someone else while waiting for you to be ready.

  10. "Why should I be labeled selfish for not wanting to be celibate?"

    Any celibate person making that accusation is projecting. They autonomously made a personal decision that affects their partner, for however noble their reason may be. However, they are taking away something from their partner and tells them they can't get it from another source either. Who's really the selfish one here?

  11. I’ve been in this situation on numerous occasions and I’m going to b honest for the sake of the ladies who think the shits ok…. You cant let me hit it then tell me I cant, what kinda Indian giving sh*t is that? Do that celibacy sh*t on your own term or let me know from the beginning that this is your intention and allow me to make the decision of whether or not I’m down to take on that challenge.

    Holding out on the pooms will only bring u more grief and misery sweethearts. Men are naturally physical creatures; we live and die to bust a likke nut down by the Nani River. A man in a relationship who isn’t sexual satisfied is the same as a 55 yr old woman who is faced with menopause. At first you just accept it (Out of love and understanding), but as time passes you start to loose you’re f**king sanity. At this point, the man has a short fuse, doesn’t give a f**k about spending time with you, and is certainly lustfully looking at every backside the crosses his eyesight. I believe it really takes a mentally strong man, a lot of lotion, and hours on pornhub to successfully deal with celibacy without cheating.

    Ladies, don’t do hommie like that cuz essentially you end up losing. You are going to push him away, catch attitude every time you want to just talk, and probably get cheated on once he’s had enough.

    My nigs: If you love her, do everything within reach to respect her wishes but if you feel the breaking point coming on…. WALK AWAY FROM the relationship! Please I beg you. Don’t be just another dutty dawg. Exercise some integrity, self-control and a little pride. If you cheat, not only will you be looked upon as the bad guy but once you get caught, you will ruin her for the good guys like myself.

  12. The Celibacy issue tends to be split across the sexes.

    Fellas,

    1) Just like you guys have the right to choose what privileges you give to what women and why, women have the right to do the same thing when it comes to their body and sex.

    2) You are not a good guy if the reason you won’t wait because she had sex with someone prior to you. Men always want the past to be the past when it comes to their short comings. But when it’s women, whatever we did with the last guy, you have to get that and more. Clearly I’m not with the last dude so what “we” did wasn’t working.

    3) While (I) you may not agree with a woman’s reason for being celibate, it is not your job to change her mind or pressure her. Ask her what celibacy means to her, what is and isn’t allowed and if you can’t live with the requirements, leave.

    You aren’t a bad guy for not being able to be celibate; just tell her that while you don’t have a problem going slow, waiting until marriage is not for you.

    1. 1. “Just like you guys have the right to choose what privileges you give to what women and why, women have the right to do the same thing when it comes to their body and sex.”

      No one is arguing “rights”.

      2. “You are not a good guy if the reason you won’t wait because she had sex with someone prior to you.”

      True. But you ARE a good guy for staying if you are living the NEW RULES because of her past bad choices.
      Examples
      I.Celibacy
      II.Children/ Baby Daddy
      III.Credit Issues

      3. “..it is not your job to change her mind or pressure her. Ask her what celibacy means to her, what is and isn’t allowed and if you can’t live with the requirements, leave.”

      Fa sho! But let’s not act like she will understand that….because she won’t. Leaving makes him the bad guy because he can’t deal with “not getting any” from home or abroad (pun absolutely intended)

  13. I always assume that as a woman if you decide to be celibate while in a relationship you have two options of what will happen (1) You will be cheated on while he waits or (2) He will move on. I know there are rare case that there is a third option in which (3) He will wait and not cheat, but I feel like #3 is a long shot. Now if the shoe was on the other foot and the man wanted the woman to wait it would not be near as difficult to find a woman willing to do so, although it probably wouldn’t be as easy as some may think. It's sad that as women we feel that we HAVE to give the goods up to keep the man around, but that's pretty much the case these days. Such is life.

    1. Sex never kept any man, but in between some legs. The girls who aren’t giving it up cant keep a man just like the one’s who are throwing it back can’t keep a man.

      Well some women would cheat too. It all comes down to finding someone whose morals align with yours. Some couples do it together because it's a choice both people made and are happy with. The cheating comes in when one person decides they want to be celibate, and the other still wants the relationship but isn’t ready for the "celibacy clause".
      Celibacy isn’t for everyone. The goal is to be with one man. So many want be able to meet the requirement which is fine.

  14. I too agree that unless there is health complications it would be selfish to except your partner to agree with celibacy… Unless it was agreed upon from the start of the relationship.

  15. Been here…Tried this.
    I can see the points made on all sides in this one. Sex can definitely complicate things. It can easily get you stuck on someone you really are not a good match with simply because the sex is GREAT. Its like a filter for your eyes. It makes it so that you don't see all the red flags that are waving the s*** out of themselves in the air.
    But on the other hand nothing brings two people together closer than sexual intimacy. No amount of talking, kissing, time spent together will merge two souls together like sex will. So its hard to deny yourself something like that when you are trying to truly get close to that person.

    In my experience with it, I have agreed to abstain when I though it was a woman I could really build something with and wanted to see, with clear vision, if I should take the time. Its not something easy to do though. There would have to be a real convo about it before we attempted that. And whether or not you have been having sex recently would seriously factor in. If celibacy before marriage is the life you've been living then depending on how I feel about you I could see making the sacrifice. And if I couldn't maintain that life then that is a situation we would just have to discuss and see what we decide. Wife and I tried…..didn't quite pan out lol.

  16. Like others I have to wonder how much he actually "loves" her. Regardless of whether she told him or not about sleeping with her ex his words smack of resentment and bitterness, like he's holding a grudge But since you know that she slept with her ex and then wanted to be celibate….yeah I would feel some kind of way too. That's a snakes nest you gotta get through. I do think the ultimatum is too far. Talk it out and come to a decision.

    To the topic, I don't get the point of being "celibate" in a relationship. It's counterproductive to me. The point of a relationship is to be together. As someone who has been celibate all their life, half of the incentive of a relationship to me is the sex. So if I decided to be celibate I would also decide to be single since I'm having some internal issues that need to be worked out. It would be nice if my partner decided to ride it out with me but I'm learning more and more that these days expecting someone to hold you down during the storm is expecting too much, even from someone who is supposed to love you.

    Ultimately I think celibacy is something for an individual, not a couple. Relationships= growing, learning as a couple. Celibacy=growing, learning as an individual Unless you have snagged a Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket of man who is going to ride it out with you.

  17. Great Topic! Yes, I have proposed celibacy after test driving the vehicle. Why did I do that? Umm to see if we would be a good fit (ahem) for each other. Making sure the needed sexual chemistry was there and what happened? I am glad you asked, I decided I didn't want too. I just wanted to see if he would be receptive to being inventive in the bedroom even if it meant only going to a few bases. Why did I not want to? I realized that I enjoyed the purely sexual part of our relationship as well, someone should write about that. Women who are attracted to men and sex without placing us into that nympho category.

  18. I should force my male bff to read this, lol. He's dealing with this…and has taken the route of the wayward suggestions, smh.

    I don't think it's wrong to choose celibacy for yourself mid-relationship. I don't think its wrong to admit that you aren't in a place to honestly commit to celibacy. I think its super wrong to shame someone because they aren't willing to make that choice and I think its wrong to say you're down with celibacy when you aren't. When you choose celibacy, accept that only those who willingly choose that path with you will go with you on that journey. A person choosing not to remain in the relationship is not devaluing you by leaving…he's actually valuing you by respecting your choice and right to be with someone who can support you in that place.

  19. I just don’t get it…he can embrace all the experience that has shaped her into according to him a ” great girl who is ambitious, smart, beautiful and warm.” But not those that has led her to value intimacy over being intimate or moreso a repositioning of it so that the connect between two people is not lasting but greater. I feel for this man that sexuality for him is solely expressed below the hips because its so many other place in the body that it can also reside if explored…like the mind. Are we really talking about a life partner, or just a woman who exhausted all other interested except one?

  20. Personally, I feel like breaking off sex mid relationship is just another test set up by the women. You was effingup in the past, time to try something new to see if holds better results. THATS IT. If she failed numerous times with past relationships because she was trying to be celibate, now wants to include some chex to see if it changes anything, it would be exactly the same. . #MenLogic vs WomenLogic is at play here.

    Anyways though, as always it would depend on the cirumstance and the women. In most cases, I would chunk the deuce with the utmost respect.

  21. In my case, I am a virgin and the guy told me upfront, I can’t date a virgin. I can’t not not have sex in a relationship so we had to go our separate ways cos I wasn’t ready to lose it yet. I’m still sad about it but I respect him for telling me instead of acting like he’s cool and cheat on me or try to convince me to give it up. I think its an important conversation to have and we should accept eachother’s position and either be cool or walk away.

  22. What are the questions again? Unilaterally seeking celibacy mid relationship? Unilaterally seeking celibacy in a newer relationship, after a past of getting her freak on with sundry dudes–including the dude she visited a few weeks prior?

    None of this computes. Is there anything for a grown man to "negotiate" or "compromise" about in such situations? When the man is not even married yet? The woman has done him an invaluable service by telegraphing her sensibilities. No male "entitlement" here and no pressure: she can keep her goods, to distribute in whatever time and manner she sees fit, for whatever reasons or impulses. Any sensible man will get out, tout suite. Love, the Lord, ability to handle, or other "ideals" have nothing do with it.

  23. Have any of you made the decision to be celibate in a relationship? Nope and never will. I like sex a whole whole whole lot. 🙂
    How was that decision met by your partner? n/a
    If someone doesn’t want to stay involved, do you consider them shallow?
    Not at all. At the end of the day we all have to do what we feel is best for us at that time.

  24. Abstaining from sex? lmao

    There are only 3 things our bodies have been engineered to do. Eat, shyt, and sex.

    Now its certainly possible to restrict what/when you eat, and adjust how/when you shyt. And by the same token its possible to control when/where you have sex. But the body is controlled by the brain, and the brain can be manipulated.

    If I want you to cheat on your diet, I can dangle food in your face until its unbearable. I can take out all the healthy food right when you're super hungry and tell you that its okay to eat that cupcake– just one wont hurt.

    If I want you to poop, I can feed you some fiber or some dish that gives you the bubbleguts.

    And if I want you to sex me up, I can turn you on sexually until you feel like you have no choice. A little alcohol can get the party started real fast.

    This is even easier to do to women, because they like to rationalize around emotions. Just because you decide not to have sex doesnt mean I have to be complicit in your foolishness. I'm certainly not gonna make it any easier.

    1. One point I'd love to bring up is what if weddings weren't as expensive? What if cheaper weddings meant shorter engagements. Would there be as much of a issue with this issue of celibacy?

  25. I once dated a young lady who, during our VERY FIRST conversation, made it clear that she was celibate, and asked if that was a problem….I told her it wasn't….

    I didn't smash, and didn't try to….I actually RESPECTED her, her choice, and her body…..and my reward: Her turning on me for (her exact words) : "not showing her that I wanted her physically"….Go figure….

    1. I'm not surprised. If someone told you that you aren't allowed to play YOUR xbox, or drive YOUR car, how would you react? Would you respect their request? Or would you do what you want since it's your stuff?

      Same thing with a girl. She's YOUR girl. Her vagina? That's yours too, by extension. She just does the maintenance on it, but it belongs to you.

  26. If my man decided that he wasn't going to break me off anymore…there would be PROBLEMS!! PROBLEMS! Here's the deal, if we were having sex and he suddenly said, "no more." I would not be very happy about it. Now I can see if from the gate, he told me that he was celibate, let me make the decision if I wanted to be with him or not but don't start breaking me off and then pull back. Nope…that ain't cool! Not cool at all!!
    My recent post Relationship Levels

    1. THIS! Problems all day. I'm going to ask why, huh, what, how, when, and WHY a few more times. I've had the talk with my dude, if you stop at this point, there's a reason. Either you're getting it from someone else, or you're not attracted me to anymore… either way, PROBLEMS.

  27. Delt with this once. I was up to see if I could handle it cause she seemed pretty cool. Eventually my complete willingness to try and lack of conflict with it inadvertently led to her celibacy being broken.

  28. @DamnPops

    i think for a lotta people, mostly guys, s-x is a functioning part of a relationship. especially marriage.

    but i think … that because a woman had s$x in a previous relationship, doesn't mean i'm going to get it in our relationship (although it may be nice). maybe she's learn about getting to emotionally invovled with the wrong person, due to sex (i've heard that s*x affects males and females differently)

    so if a woman came to me, and said she desires to be celibate, that's cool with me. i won't knock her for that. if she desires to be celibate after doing the deed, then i think that's when i conversation on what would be the best course of action should/would happen.

    to the conservative brotha…
    while i understand your *pain*, abit, if this is a lady you see yourself desiring, and y'all have that chemistry, then my humble suggestion would be to work with it, and see where it takes you. maybe she learned that sex isn't the end all and be all to a relationship, and maybe she wants to have that non sexual foundation with you before y'all actual get married (if this is someone you're considering on marrying).

    just some (late) thoughts.

  29. As a female I think it would be very selfish of either party to declare celibacy in a relationship where sex is involved. Why would you abstain from someone that you have already been intimate with and still expect to maintain a romantic relationship? That decision is best made in between relationships unless both people have beenconsidering it and can agree to it

  30. Three words: KEEP IT MOVING!!!! Once again I hate to see lack of perspective when it comes to these decisions. People make the habit of turning a questionable (bad) choice in to a worse one. People are free to do as they please, but for all that's Cosby, accept some responsibility for your faulty decision-making. Closing the cookie jar after I've had some cookies because things aren't happening as you would like, while is your right, is WRONG AS HELL! It's better just to end the relationship than to use sex as a bargaining tool. I say again, men shouldn't jump through hoops for sex, if that's so just tell me up front so I can make the conscious decision to be a simp!

    1. Totally agree. It may be sex today, but it will be something else tomorrow. Women have a way of making a decision that should belong to BOTH parties and trying to 1) make the decision themselves and 2) justify that bad behavior. This is about respect. If she doesn't respect you over this decision, she won't respect you over others in the future either. I would try to negotiate a mutually satisfying arrangement, but in absence of that, you do yourself an injustice by staying.

  31. Um…. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but if your not her husband you don't have a the right to demand sex from anyone. News flash it's her body and she decided who she allows into it. NOT YOU. In addition I haven't read anything in this article about STD and pregnancy prevention and you making sure you do your part in that. Men always think they have the right to put women at health risk for your sexual satisfaction. It's her body and her chose if you don't like it go find a whore to be with.

      1. A husband CANNOT and should not demand sex from a wife if she is not willing…regardless if it's a relationship or marriage NEITHER party has the right to demand sex. A healthy relationship in the matter of sex will be a mutual agreement on when and how to have sex. Sadly there are MANY men who feel this way. Easy way to get a rape charge regardless of marriage or relationship….SMH at you!!

        1. Likewise a wife CANNOT and should not reframe from sexual relations with a husband who wants it. That is selfish and hurtful to the man. It's also a big enough issue that the Bible speaks against in in 1 Corinthians 7. But, this issue is beyond sex. In a relationship, one party should not arbitrarily make a decision that has a negative effect on another party to the relationship without their consent. Thus, I believe both parties need to sit down and come up with a solution that works for both. That is the basis for relationships. Anyone who can't think about the other person in the relationship really shouldn't be in one. I don't know why women seem to think that they have a moral right to be arbitrarily selfish and that the husband should just suffer in silence. It's quite ridiculous.

        2. I wanted to make sure that I was clear that I don't think rape is an appropriate response to this marital infraction. I do want to make clear that withholding sex in marriage is a clear wrongdoing though and should not be tolerated.

    1. My goal in this piece wasn't to highlight STD and pregnancy protection. It's very important and lord knows I'm an advocate for safe sex. My hope was that I could put people in the mindset of "what if?" I'm not demanding a thing. I'm simply saying if someone wanted to leave this situation why should they be seen in a negative light? What's the motives for going a celibate route? Is it a personal thing? Are you "testing" your partner?

      It all varies. I would never tell someone what to do with their body, I'm well aware of all our rights. i wanted to spark discussion. I've done so here and you raise a good point on sexual health. I implore you to elaborate.

    2. Anonymous: "News flash it's her body and she decided who she allows into it. NOT YOU."

      News flash: then you can't demand that your boyfriend or husband can't sleep around with other women, or men for that matter. After all, it's his body and he decides who he will put it into. NOT YOU.

  32. I believe that there is no way possible to bust out celibacy mid relationship especially if there has been a healthy satisfying sexual relationship thus far, however if both parties can agree to it then maybe it will be ok. The odds of it lasting are probably slim to none. I believe if a NEW relationship begins this way and both parties agree then in my opinion it has a better chance of survival.

  33. WOW, it's amazing how people completely misinterpret you statements and try to get them to mean something that it doesn't say. So let me clarify.

    1.No one said anything about husbands having the right to demand sex or rape (I don't know where you got that from). I merely distinguishing the difference between dating someone and being married (there are certain expectations and obligations within a marriage) than if your dating someone. Of course women shouldn't be forced to have sex against their will no matter the relationship.

    2. @DamnPOPS no one said that the article was about STDs or pregnancy, I was merely pointing out that while discussing intimate sexual relationships STDs and pregnancy prevention are usually absent from the conversation. You would think that people would include those things in a conversation, but they are not always included or practiced by everyone and if people are going to have multiple sex partners it's important to keep you and your partners safe.
    3. If one party is celibate and the other doesn't want to be then it's important that both parties have an understanding on whether they are going to get serious or continue to date with options or stop dating at all if you're not on the same page. Just be open and honest and if celibacy isn't for you, be honest and move on.

  34. I've been in this situation and it sucks! Especially when you and your boyfriend have great chemistry,but at some point he can't deal with the celibacy. Now I'm not saying it has to last til marriage,but if you've been with the person for a while and the celibacy is the deal breaker it makes me wonder what else will you fold on in the relationship if your patience wears thin. My question to those who are not celibate is if you truly cared and loved the person (male/female) would you hold'em or fold'em?

    1. Honestly, if dealing with a non virgin, I would try to reach a point where the women valued me, our love and continuing our relationship, more than her pledge of celibacy. At that point I still might ride out the celibacy as long as I knew she was willing to share that experience with me pre marriage as she had with others in her past. If dealing with a virgin, and in love, and enough other intangibles were in place such as stability, common life goals etc., I would hold them down because that type of will power and moral grounding in a well rounded successful person I also happen to have chemistry with, and a mutual attraction exists, is like finding a unicorn, pot of gold, and ufo in the same day. Eventually though, dealing with a non virgin, I would fold em if it became clear that sex was never going to be an option barring marriage. I think some suddenly celibate women/men underestimate how important a part of the love equation sex can be for many men/woman, “good” or “bad” (however a suddenly celibate person might qualify those designations…). IMO, for a non virgin/non rape or molestation victim to withhold sex from someone he or she claims to love, and to be willing to walk away from or allow someone else who might otherwise be perfect for them to walk away, raises serious doubt in my mind as to the legitimacy and depth of their love for the other in the first place. This is especially the case when they have experienced first hand the powerful bond sex can elicit in the confines of a loving relationship, and still have exes they have been intimate with lingering around as so called “friends”. This type of behavior makes me think people who act this way are ultimately always going to be more concerned with their own self interest and love of themselves before their partner. To those that disagree I pose this question; why would a woman or man want their significant other to have to walk around possibly encountering other men or women that have experienced their “love” in a more intimate way than their partner ever will, barring pledging their very life and soul before God. They are basically conveying the message that for their current partner to experience the same level of intimacy as others in the past, they must do significantly much more. This opens up a Pandora’s box of doubts and questions as to the relative strength and power of the supposed “love” they share and also raises questions about the intentions behind their new path of celibacy. All sins being created equal, with the sex before marriage ship having already sailed the 7 seas, why build something with a solid non sexual foundation and be willing to throw it all away, when you reach a point where sex could actually enhance things and lead to even stronger feelings, and a closer bond. Marriage is about a lot more than sex and while you might not have reached the point to tie the knot for a number of reasons at a certain point sex is a natural progression in an adult relationship (our new modern western construct of marriage for “love” be dammed). Ultimately, if marriage is in the cards, sexual compatibility or lack thereof should not be a surprise whatsoever. IMO, celibacy seems like a case of delaying the inevitable out of a constant underlying fear that things might not work out. However by using sex as a tool to get to the alter, if/when things go by the wayside, marriage has both parties locked in to certain commitments. Sex will happen whether before or after marriage and as a result feelings will enhance but ultimately to some extent regularize and become routine. Then and only then is when the non sexual non lust oriented “love” is tested. Why wait for marriage to find out six months in to a sexual relationship Susie Q or Ken Doll bf get bored and are over the thrill? For the most part, men are not, “not buying the cow because the milk is free”. If a man or women buys the cow having never tasted the milk, and the milk is spoiled, not plentiful enough or otherwise unsatisfactory you can bet there is a good chance they will still be in the market for other milk. Why not find out everything about the person including how they are after they get used to regular sex with you for a while? Women and men can always hit the breaks if things are not headed fast enough in the direction they would like, but to marry for the goods, divorce statistics pretty much equal regardless of premarital sex, is a much bigger risk than testing things out thoroughly and making a fully informed decison.

    2. mellisa.
      the problem with you celebating women is hypocrisy. you get a chance to go get banged by some bad boy or a rich fat old man.
      your celebate game can only last so long.

  35. Interesting article on the take of celibacy. It is something that I believe in strongly and live and practice in my own life. In terms of celibacy in a relationship, it can be difficult but it certainly is something that must be a mutual decision in a relationship for both parties to feel as their needs are being honored and they are fulfilled and satisfied in the relationship. I do however, not agree with the idea of one choosing to be celibate as a selfish decision, but more of a life decision, an obedience decision and self respecting decision. For me, it was God speaking to my spirit to move in this direction in my life. I did not go willingly initially, but I now understand the implications of making such a life altering decision because it is more than just a physical occurrence, it is mental, emotional, spiritual and lastly physical in nature. This is an area that I am passionate about and have written about in my book called, The Kama Sutra of Celibacy: 101 Ways to be Successfully Celibate where I address celibacy in a single celibate relationship and provide tips to help couple be successful in this journey. You can learn more about the work I'm doing in the area of celibacy @ http://www.kamasutraofcelibacy.com/ or on Facebook/TheKamaSutraofCelibacy or Twitter/KamaSofCelibacy to continue this discussion. Thanks!

  36. I would think you would or should talk it out first, obviously there could be reasons why that has occured. And 9 times out of 10 it's probably because of you. Take the time to talk it out and figure out what's going on. If she stops it for no reason, then I say cut the relationship off altogether, after all men have wants and needs too. If you're married with children then that's a tough situation to be in.
    My recent post Dress To Impress: What’s Up With Black Men In Hollywood?

  37. Drop that h0e and make her a sidepiece.

    This is textbook why men should focus on being “attractive” in opposed to being “good”

  38. If she's withholding just because he's "marriage material" she's lying. Why would she tell him that in the first place? Bizarre. If it was my situation, I would be making that decision based in my knowledge of HIS past relationships. and current behavior (like pressuring me into having sex). How committed was he to those other relationships? How long were they dating? Why did it end?
    Maybe she sees something in him that reminds her of past experiences and really wants this one to work out. The truth is, the relationship is doomed… the fact that he's considering cheating as a solution speaks volumes as to his character.

    Come on guys, you're supposed to be the more PRACTICAL ones. If all your focus in on sex and you have lost respect in her because she has given it up before, you know that you will NEVER have any respect for her…and you definitely won't marry her. So, just be a man and end it already… but in the off chance that you do actually LOVE her and can see a future ahead, be patient.

  39. What if it’s just a temporary celibacy, like a few months because of spiritual reasons or hell what if the person is sick or injured and is unable to “perform”. No sex until marriage should be agreed upon by both parties, but a temporary break what about that?

  40. My situation is a bit different because we are both women, so my partner who I’ve been intimate with since before we were official decided to go celibate 5 months into our relationship for personal and religious reasons. I love her and I agreed to stay with her during this, but when I asked for how long she responded bitterly “does it matter” and yes, for me it does. My libido is high, and she can not have sex the rest of her life and be perfectly happy. We already weren’t intimate for about 2 months prior to her decision. I can see myself building a life with her and I am very much in love with her, but I can’t help how upset I feel about not being intimate with her anymore. It’s a way I express my love and affection, it’s a lot more than just getting to an orgasm for me and I don’t want to be selfish or make it seem like I don’t love her enough to stay. She gave me the opportunity to hook up with other people even before she made her decision, but I’ve been down that path and I know an open relationship is not for me. I don’t want to be celibate and I don’t want to have sex with other people. I am at such a loss at to what the right decision for me is. I can have it all with this girl except for sex.

  41. Hi, I’m a lesbian and my wife and I have been together for 5 years now but we have known each other for around 17. Our relationship started out like many with our sex life was solid but that all changed a little over a year in. Literally our sex life disappeared. Seriously, like …. What the fuck? Where’d our sex go. Did we forget it somewhere? She never approched me with the idea of celibacy. I thought that maybe she was just having some issues, I was understanding and kind no matter how many times she rejected me. We have since talked about it and she said that she has developed an aversion for sex. I beliveher to be my soulmate and she says she feels the same. Our relationship means more to me than just sex but after 5 years of forced celibacy I feel myself becoming frustrated, depressed, unattractive and more like a roommate. I dont want to loose her but I want all of her and I want her to want all of me. I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know why I wrote this.

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