Home Featured Heathen Life: 5 Things to Consider Before You Move in With Her

Heathen Life: 5 Things to Consider Before You Move in With Her

Are you ready to give this up?
Are you ready to give this up?

Living with a significant other can be a thing of beauty assuming you’re not in constant coital cold wars. Otherwise it’s access to a healthy supply of yeah-baby-right-there. It’s coming home knowing someone cooks for you cares about you and (most likely) will be happy to see you. It’s knowing you don’t have to sleep alone every night. But before you make that big step with whoever you’re thinking about sharing space with, there are five things — as a man — you should consider:

1. Can you live without the bathroom in the morning?

Unless you have two bathrooms, living with your significant can really “cramp” your style. You wake up, bladder on please, bowels on yelp, and you see the bathroom light escaping under the door. F*ck. Maybe you hear the shower running. Damn.

Few things are worse than having to go but not being able to go…in your own place. Next thing you know, you’re pussyfooting out of bed trying not to wake her because if you do, she’ll need the bathroom first. And since chivalry dictates you crumble to the floor or find a Mountain Dew bottle (for numero uno), you just gonna have to wait fam.

2. Are you comfortable muffling your “throne” music?

Yes, that throne. The point is, now you got to run water or drop the reserved deuce because you don’t want your significant other to know what’s going on…even though she know what’s going on. You can ante up your flushes, light matches, cop the special spray,  potpourri it (or Poopourri. Yes, it exists). Doesn’t matter. It’s just not the same. But if you’re comfortable enough to just let it sizzle without concern for what she hears, you’re in love. Update your Facebook status and call it a day (and possibly life).

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By the way, you’ll also have to confront the reality that the most beautiful and precious does indeed booboo. When she lets that Glade choppa’ spray, just be thankful she had the couth to use it.

(Aside: For the ladies reading, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the first two questions involve the bathroom. Many great ideas are conceived there. Never stop your man from being great.)

3. Are you willing to talk every night when you get home about stuff that makes you wonder “so did you get any work done today?”

When you live with someone, you can’t just walk in to solitude. I mean you could, but then you’re opening Pandora’s box of innocuously harmful questions. Are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened? Are you sure? Nah, you don’t want that. Instead, you have to ask how her day was and engage in conversation about some stuff you weren’t built to understand.

If you like to get your Young Macaulay on, be prepared to make some changes in the name of love. The homie Streetz had it right with this one.

4. Can you handle arguments or hot topics that don’t die with a closed box…though that is sometimes how they end?

Have you ever had an argument online that you escaped by closing the chat box, disabling your phone’s internet, or running into the nearest tunnel? Yeah, not happening when you live with Cuddlekins. Often times, where a discussion starts, it ends. But when you live with your significant other, regardless of where it started, it ends on the couch. And if you don’t resolve it there, you’ll be sleeping there. Can you handle that? Are you able to resolve issues in-person regularly?

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5. How do you feel about not having a man cave?

When you live alone, the smell and condition of your apartment is up to you. The world is your oyster and your apartment is your man cave. I’m not advocating living in a one man frat house, but if you don’t feel like moving shit, you don’t have to move shit. If you wanna lean to the left and bask in your own filth, that’s cool. If you wanna visit sites that’ll get you fired by day, but keep you entertained by night, there’s no one to ask what or why you’re looking at that. When Snookums is there, you can’t do this stuff. And if you do, you better have a good explanation. Like that adult footage is less about your desire to have sex with some internet trollop and more about your innate proclivity for watching digital-d*ckdowns.

What? It’s true.

There are other things to consider; like how you split the bills, the mail situation, and apartment design, but who cares about that shit. These are the real issues.

SBM fam, I’m turning it over to you. What other seemingly mundane things should you consider before moving in together? Let me know in the comments.

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  1. Lol my man won’t have to worry, he can take a dump in peace . Now I might laugh or joke on you if I walk in after you , and you shut it down. I would hope you would let me handle taking a number 2 in peace.

    Space. Like when I’m on the phone with my girls or just need some time to myself can you leave me in the living room or bedroom by myself without thinking I’m mad at you or trying to get up under me.

    I hope my man doesnt think I’m cooking every night. I like to take a break . My cooking days would be Sunday ( Monday = Sunday left overs ) , Tuesday – Thursday . Depending on what were doing , I may bake/ fry fish on Friday . Saturday your on your own.

    Helping with chores . Cleaning up behind your self is easy cleaning up behind two ppl becomes a chore . Sometimes you move in with your man and he thinks he now had a live in Maid lol nope we split chores and we each do our best to clean up after ourselves.

  2. As someone who did the whole shacking up thing i can say…

    1. bathroom chivalry got old real quick, especially after some smanging..

    2. Everybody poops.

    3. i hate “how was work”…it was work. I came, i saw, i accounted.

    4. I kept gym clothes and a ball handy it was my foolproof storm off but u aint really got nowhere to go kit

    5. i had my office as my own space, free for madden, farts and adult cinema

    but also…

    -toilet paper was like a utility bill

    -nothing lets the air out your tires like opening the door and company’s there

    -two televisions is essential

    -she’s gonna label about 2-3 shows ur not allowed to watch without her

    -i aint sleeping in no wet spot

  3. 3. Are you willing to talk every night when you get home about stuff that makes you wonder “so did you get any work done today?”

    Bruh… First of all, I'm an auditor. I know FOR A FACT, my job is boring. Yet, every day the misses wants to know about my day. I get paid to write and work in spreadsheets. The most exciting part of my day is when a formula adds up correctly and I get a report back with minimal editing notes. Conversely, her day is filled with ups/downs and qudra-semi-circles. Most of this is due to the fact that she has 101 different emotions per 8-hour period; whereas, I might experience 3 emotions per 8-month period.

    I ask tho…and I listen…but I don't be understandin.

    5. How do you feel about not having a man cave?

    I've lived in my apartment for 4 years and I have 4 pictures on my wall. I don't own curtains. I wouldn't even know where to buy curtains.

    …that's all I have to say about that.

  4. Anyone who lives with me learns quickly that I have random issues.

    1) I need SPACE. I don't want to talk every time I see you. I appreciate and need a certain amount of silent me-time to process whatever is invariably going through my mind. I want to lay down and read in my free time without you attempting to draw me into conversation. It doesn't mean I'm angry. It's just how I relax.

    2) Everything has a specific place. Do not move anything.

    3) Certain cushions are off-limits. Do not put your head on them.

    Other than those relatively minor things, I am a breeze to live with. I cook and clean, I mostly leave the TV alone, and I tend not to nag much 🙂

    1. Your "relatively minor things" could very easily become major under the right circumstances. Hopefully you are willing to at least discuss exceptions to your issues.

  5. I live with my man, so I have some current insight on this matter.

    For 1 and 2, do what you gotta do. We share the same space, so you can't be tip-toeing around when nature calls. That goes for him AND for me. I WILL turn whatever I'm watching up if he's got some loud throne music, but otherwise, as long as he keeps it from smelling, I'm good. We've even got a rhythm for bathroom times.

    For 3, I've never been someone who goes on and on about their day. If I go on and on, it's about a specific issue I'm dealing with. I do it rarely, in my opinion. He's a good listener, so he hears me out. But it's not daily, and it's not when he first gets home, because either I get home first and start working out or cooking, or he gets home first, and I start cooking while he's gaming. The "how was your day" is answered in passing, and only delved into in detail if there's a real issue to address.

    4 is true, so really, don't move in with someone unless you two know how to argue. He and I do. I occasionally get passive aggressive, but he occasionally gets moody, so it all balances out. Generally, we're good at talking it out. Since we started dating, I can count the times an argument resulted in real shouting on one hand. All of them happened since we moved in together, but we made up after all of them.

    We moved into a large two bedroom precisely to give each other space when necessary. I came from a one bedroom and he came from a five bedroom with roommates. If a phone conversation needs to happen, or I wanna watch a movie he doesn't, while he's gaming, I move to another room. It is SO necessary to have space to spread out. Plus, I DO respect certain activities. Like, he gets to game while I'm cooking but, unless he's in the middle of a crazy session of zombies, the game goes off when eating starts. Same goes for football. I cuddle all I want, but save the irrelevant talking for commercials.

    A lot of the things on this list are gender neutral. But I'll add that before moving in together, you should:

    1.) Make sure you're clear on how rent and bills are going to be paid. Split in half? Someone pays rent and the other pays the bills? Some variation. Make it plain.

    2.) Make sure you're clear on CHORES. I am cleaner than my bf. He was in a frat and his apartment was a lot like a frat house. He's got great style, but his side of the room is messier than mine for sure. He needs to clean up after himself, and since I clean the dishes, he puts them away. He takes out the trash/recycling, while I cook because he can't do that at all. I clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. We alternate litter box duty. You gotta make it plain.

    3.) Living with someone is going to cramp your social style just a bit. Sure, they're "fine" with you staying out late, but do you really WANT to stay out until 2am if you have someone waiting home for you? It's just about being respectful. A call or a text is nice, plus any reason it might be later (i.e. a bachelor party, frat event, etc., birthday, etc.). Don't think it's gonna be cool to do that 4 nights a week either.

    4.) There are going to be a few chats about sex.

    1. @kittykat, amen lady…amen. Good to see there are women who understand how to coexist with us men. It ain’t all about women all the damn time lol. It’s about both sexes in a relationship

  6. You must consider one thing which I feel is more important than all of these. Are you willing to give up your freedom–I don't mean you are chained to the crinb or anything like that but are you willing to check in if you're coming home latr? Are you willing to let her know you're going out with the fellas for a few after work? When your single or living alone you can come in the house anytime you want, heck even stay the night out and come home the next day. You can't do that while living with a woman. When you start coexisting you are for all intents and purposes married. So those are things you have to consider before moving in. Lastly, are you shacking up or do you have a purpose.
    My recent post Dress To Impress: What’s Up With Black Men In Hollywood?


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