Home Featured Why Your Man Won’t Go Down: Could You Live Without It?

Why Your Man Won’t Go Down: Could You Live Without It?



A couple of week’s ago I read an article called “5 Reasons Why He Won’t Give You Oral Sex.” It was written by Ty Knighten (@Uheardmeright) who runs “The Sexy Single Mommy.” The article profiles some reasons why a guy may not go down on you. A couple of the reasons included foul odor and having excessive hair in the area of question. The article led me to think a couple of things. First, I wondered if I could be with a woman for a long period and not receive any oral attention. Second, I wondered if there are an abundance of women who could survive without getting oral as well. I decided I’d go to a trusty female source to get a lady’s perspective. Enter stage right author Tassika Lloyd (@T_lloyd). She’s the author of the novel She’s Your Daughter Too, she’s also a blogger and I wanted to share her greatness with you all.


As with most things in life, there are more than what meets the eye in many cases. In the case of receiving oral it’s quite easy to say you want it because it feels good. As a guy it could also have more meaning. Chris Rock says in his last stand up that women can’t go backwards in lifestyle and men can’t go backwards sexually.

Some fellas need that oral to provide the extra stimulation needed to perform at a high level.

I personally don’t think I would agree to commit to someone if we didn’t mesh sexually. To me, that’s the equivalent of ignoring a crack in your windshield; it only gets bigger with time.

I recognize that this is a touchy subject, and I am not saying you should be going down on people left and right. As the aforementioned articles suggests, you ladies should make sure all your bases are covered. Control what you can to ensure hopefully your dude will do his part. I’d love to tell you a quick story. It’s my personal account of when I was first asked to take a trip to “South Beach.”:

See Also:  Still Single? Maybe You Should Settle

When I was in high school, one of my biggest crushes ever asked me to be her first. I was eyeing this girl since she was in at least sixth grade. So to me this was like real life Dawson’s Creek type ish. We were on the phone one night and she told me she wanted me to go down on her. I was a bit skeptical but I said okay. I figured I wanted this girl for so long I better make it all count. The time comes when we’re together and we’re heavy into things and I go down… I wasn’t pleased. I was pretty intimidated. As alluded to before, excessive pubes can turn some off. It was one of those moments for me. So I politely came back up and whispered “I don’t think I can do this.” I didn’t do it then and she took it in stride.

 I say that just to give an example of me being a willing man, but the conditions weren’t right for me. I say all this to say that there should be balance and compromise in all of these things.

Partners should feel comfortable and willing to do these things if their partner enjoys it.

Too many times prioritizing your sexual desires seems shallow. I disagree. It’s important that you’re as engaged in your relationship as you can be, don’t compromise it. You ladies do not have to stay in situations where you aren’t being fulfilled while you’re the one doing all the fulfilling.

See Also:  Why Men Don't Put in Work in Dating


Let’s talk about sex.  The topic alone gives me the heebie jeebies.  It’s not that I can’t talk about sex; I just take great caution in who I talk about it with.  Sex seems so complicated to me – there are preferences, fantasies, unchartered territories, rules, expectations and plenty of other things that can take a beautiful romantic moment to an extremely awkward memory.  Even though sex is a private act, it’s a very public discussion.  People are becoming more and more open about it everywhere – on Twitter, on television, in magazines and even in books your mom reads on her way to work.

All this chatter has exposed a new standard – Sex; batteries not included but head is.

Now, call me old fashioned, but oral sex is not mandatory.  What we give and what we accept from our partners is completely left to what they and what we are comfortable with.  Sex and all that includes is a choice.  Even with all that sex has to offer, I still think that there are parts of it that are sacred (and that may or may not include head). Have you retained anything to exclusively share with your husband or your wife?  Or is what you’re keeping for your husband/wife more emotional than it is physical?

Either way, this question is for the ladies:  Could you stay with a man if he didn’t give head?

It’s possible.  First of all, penetration, stimulation or both can achieve the female orgasm.  If your orgasm is dependent on penetration, physically, head is not a necessity; it’s a perk.  Even if your orgasm is dependent on stimulation, his mouth is not his only tool.

See Also:  20 Awkward Moments for Black People at Work

Some fingers can get you to the finish line.

In my mind, sex is an entrée.  Appetizers are nice; dessert is even better but even without all the trimmings, sex can still be damn good.  Although sex is about preferences – yeah, maybe you want head because you just like it, but sex is also about compromise. Someone with perfect sex might not give head, and someone may give perfect head and mediocre sex.  Prioritize what you need in a partner and what you need in bed.  Maybe it will line up, maybe it won’t but just consider for a second, as long as you’re happy, does it really matter how?


Just to piggyback on one of Tass’ points- I agree with the idea of saving certain things until marriage. I think that is a very feasible reasoning for someone not going down. I’m all for it. I just want to know who could care less if they couldn’t get any oral forever?

We come to spark discussion SBM fam; let’s have some fun. What’s your thoughts on the issue?

These are our words and we make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS


  1. My comment will remain the same here as it was on Ty original post: it’s all about preferences and knowing your likes and dislikes as well as being comfortable enough to communicate with your partner.

        1. Well for a guy I think you really gotta be into shorty. That's painting with a broad brush but you just gotta care about her ultimate pleasure

  2. I’m extremely picky wih my mouthpiece, if you’re not my fiancee or husband  or at least an eternally long term boyfriend then my lips and your peen will NOT BE MEETING and quite honestly I don’t expect you to munch on the box either, but if you feel.so inclined to I’LL LET YOU BE GREAT..

    Oral to.me is very intimate and should be reserved for that special someone.

  3. If we are in a relationship, then that's something that needs to happen. Especially if you ask that of me. I'm pretty open chexually and expect my partner to be in the same realm of freakistry. If you have a problem doing, we can sit down and talk about it. Identify what are our problems and what can be done to correct them. However, if some reason I was having a casual encounter, I would not expect him to do that….I mean I would gladly accept if he did, but I am not giving him any at all.
    My recent post When I’m gone:The importance of after life planning

    1. Agreed. Can’t be having your mouth every where on everyone. I know some women who don’t enjoy oral, and can live without it, I know women who like giving oral better than receiving. And in disbelief there are still men in this world that haven’t / don’t do it (oral).

      Me personally I don’t think I can be in something long term without oral being on the menu. I would hope my partner isn’t expecting me to give without me also receiving. As far as casual encounter’s, that’s not my thing but if somewhere down the line, it happens, oral won’t be on the menu. But like @Paynewell mentioned “I’m not stopping you, but don’t look for me to return the favor”.

  4. I won't be relating with anyone I can't fully relate with.

    Compromised once in the past, admittedly. Never again. If you love your partner but you aren't willing to do anything (within reason) to please them chexually… *shrugs*. Yeah, I ain't with that. Like I said on twitter, you better not part your lips to ask me for something you aren't willing to give…or you will get your feelings hurt.

    Either we are of one mind in that way or we aren't getting down like that period.

  5. I'm not too big on it on the first place, so its not a dealbreaker if he isn't into it.


    I will say that the willingness to engage in the act matters more than the act itself, because it generally implies that you're putting my pleasure first, yadda yadda yadda. And my appreciation of that will lead to…well, me expressing my appreciation. lol

    1. "I will say that the willingness to engage in the act matters more than the act itself, because it generally implies that you're putting my pleasure first, yadda yadda yadda."

      And there you have it.

      Personally I have found it really helps when you seek someone who gets the same level of enjoyment out of uh, certain things as you do, but since this isn't a perfect world, at least have someone willing to compromise for your happiness. ESPECIALLY if you are, ahem.. committed to theirs.
      My recent post StyleWatch; Evelyn Lozada Launches Vida Lux Cosmetics!

      1. Yes I believe in the compromise. It's not a perfect world and I'm just not ready to pass on a seemingly perfect partner because of one detail.

  6. After I make sure no one is walking away with genital herpes….then it might become a consideration. Its far from a deal breaker. Though, I do consider it an intimate act, I think all versions of freshness should be intimate. Certain levels of freshness have not been saved for that hubster to be, I do know my freshness has been fresher when it was shared with someone for more than a physical release. Not to mention, its more important my hubster to be, gets to get me without traces of who was once there (ie genital herpes and the like). I know medicine gets rid of many things, but medicine does not get rid of everything, so I choose to be picky, asking all questions before any set of lips gets kissed.

  7. People that refuse to give head/face? They still exist? LOL. But seriously I laugh when I hear men say that till this day they refuse to do that regardless of how much their girl might want it. They don't understand. You devour that honey pot right and a woman will say YES to pretty much anything.

    Personally, I don't think I could've been with a woman who refused to engage in oral sex. To me thats like you are saying you think I'm dirty or disgusting. Its like an insult to me. Its has been the same way in reverse. If I thought any woman I was speaking too was to dirty for me to engage in cunnilingus then as far as I was concerned she is too nasty to have sex with at all.

    1. This right here!

      Why have sex without fully enjoying yourself. That defeats the purpose. And if you don't feel comfortable giving or receiving, then why have sex with that individual in the first place? #inquiringminds

      Good topic though

    2. Yes, there are people out there who don't perform oral sex. Sometimes it's because of how they were raised culturally, sometimes they're not comfortable and sometimes they just simply don't thin you're worth it. But it is a good question to ask ourselves. What if we find a great person and they don't do that, will we still try to make it work? Or do we even bother trying once we realize they don't?

  8. I have alot i want to say about this, but i wont get into all of it lol

    Head is a beautiful thing, it really is. Its funny how my thought process has changed on this over the years but the way I currently feel about it its a deal breaker for me if its a sure thing it wont happen, and thats giving and receiving. I respect everything about a women who wants to wait till marriage or doesnt want to at all, but im not about that life…preferences.

    Like the women who have commented, if a casual thing were to happen, i wont push for it, but im not stopping you either. Whether i return the favor or not depends on a laundry list of factors lol

    sidenote: Fellas be careful too, because women are quick to swindle with this give and take thing. Dont become a casualty.

  9. My thoughts are pretty simple and may piggy back off of others. For me, personally it's expected and appreciated, whether he receives or not. If I were to meet a guy and that wasn't his thing then I most likely would pass on him altogether. A lot of folks are in protest over it because of what they heard from others, specifically from older folks growing up – but it's YOUR bedroom (assuming ppl still have sex in those *shrugs*), and I'd be damned if someone outside of my partner dictates what's about. to. go. down. lol. People love to diminish the importance of sex in relationships because of the very reason Tass stated in the post, it is so openly discussed and therefore treated as less than an art form (Lol). But lets be clear, a lot of issues brew because of the sexual chemistry or the lack thereof. Which we all know leads to a number of questions and relationship altering decisions. The long and short of it all is what your preference is. Either it's your thing or it's not – the issue is, matching you up with a like minded person.
    My recent post x "Right To Hire, Right To Fire" x Part I

  10. I think most men are willing to do whatever the hell our ladies may ask of us sexually, as long as it doesn't compromise our masculinity we going INN!

    1. There's really some that just don't. If all men thought how you did there would be a lot more happier women out there lol

      1. The only dudes I know that don't are the Caribbean fellas..I heard they dont play them games…lol That or a dude that has had a traumatic experience with some bad box…outside of that aint no reason not to get on down there n go to work! – If thats what she likes

      1. If that is the case, I can have some patience and be willing to guide/give tips. However, if things don't improve, I really don't think there could be longevity in our relationship. If you are enjoying the s*x, in a relationship, then what's the point?

        I'm not saying that s*x is the main focal point of a relationship, but I do see it as a healthy and necessary factor in a relationship.

  11. Oral stimulation is a must in addition to sexual. I don’t like to have one without the other. My sex is incomplete without them both. My boyfriend is one that doesn’t give it as often as I’d like or even how I like….grrr So yes, I think deciding whether oral sex is a deal breaker in a relationship is important.

  12. I know I'm late. But to the men, be careful. I just read an article on the rise of throat cancer due to oral sex. Men can get all of the infections women get vaginally from performing oral at the wrong time on a woman. You can get a yeast infection, vaginitis, urinary tract infection, and a number of other bacterial infections that women get from their vagina's being warm moist places where bacteria can thrive easily.
    Not to mention herpes.
    Seen it happen, and there is no medication available for it when you contract an STI from a woman. You just have to wait it out and self heal.
    Had to put that out there since we're discussing oral and why I do it very selectively and carefully and why men should do the same. I know too many men who trust a big butt and a smile. Fella's sometimes it's literally poison. ijs.

    1. Vital information, I hope this piece ddn't come off as eat every pums in the world lol. Just wanted to bring the idea of being open to things and how that could help a relationship overall.

  13. When I was younger I thought I could. I was in a (short-lived) relationship with a guy (Caribbean) who didn't do it and I might have been all right with that if his sex had been good, but it wasn't so he had to go.

    Now, my husband was skilled in all areas. I was prepared to stay in that bed til death do us part. Unfortunately, he felt the need to share is talents far and wide. LOL
    My recent post The Long And Winding Road….

  14. Carribbean men do eat the box. They simply lie to their boys about it. Trust….had a few that did it, but would deny deny deny in public.

  15. I cannot be with a man that will not give me.head. it is a must and I will not get off unless I get some head

  16. I don’t mind giving but when i give and you don’t return, well, i get a bit discouraged. You can’t EXPECT me to do something with no intention of ever returning the favor. Example, I’m married. My husband has gone down on me maybe a total of 10 times in the 3 years we’ve been together. Yet, he expects me to give him head whenever he wants it. I don’t. I used to do it 3-5 times a week but there comes a point when if you can’t please me, then don’t expect me to please you. I want to please my husband but if he doesn’t want to please me then it lowers my confidence and i don’t even want sex after that. The other issue is, i will not allow him to finish in my mouth. He chalks that up to me being unfair because i did it with my sons dad so i should be able to do it with him. If I’m not comfortable with that, i don’t want to be pressured into doing it. Anything in a relationship is a 2-way street. You have to be willing to compromise but when one person is compromising and the other isn’t, then you’ve got what i call a scale with one side full and one side empty. You can’t take, take, take and not give just as much. Compromise is key.

  17. Oral sex is essential in a relationship. Especially for a long term commitment. Your body is a wonderland. You should want to explore every part of me and i should want to explore every part of you. If we don't crave each other in the most intimate ways we are doomed to frustration, resentment, and incompatibility in other areas as well. Mind, body, spirit. 333

  18. If he doesn’t go down at first..I’m not trippin but FOREVER??…hell no. I can be with someone who never does especially when my dome is so amazing.

  19. I have noticed in my romantic life that black men are more reluctant for oral, but non black men get so turned on by it! I feel religion is so engrained in our culture that it causes these sexual hang ups. And body shame, or sexual pleasure shame. (except for you know what, that is just vile, wrong and undebatable!)
    Oral is like a gift. Its bad and raunchy, so it makes it a turn on. I imagine monogamous couples who abstain from oral have some pretty boring sex lives, lol. Sex is sex. If you vaginally engaged with someone 30 times (took a man if you’re a lady) do you think you’re better for never going down? True prudes.

  20. Oral sex is a Beautiful thing. Many years I did not engage in this aspect of sex and like others here don't feel It should be thought of as simply routine and without considering the type of relationship I'm having with the individual…definitely not for casual, or when on the random on dating scene. I reserve the oral exchange at minimal for the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm in a relationship now where my partner desires much more oral than he's willing to give–and I'm getting a bit frustrated sexually even though we have lots of sex. I love oral, and I'm missing it right now. I keep my "mitten puff" clean, fresh, and shaved nicely. I'm tempted to search for a new partner because although I'm really into my boyfriend–I long for oral sex and I'm not sure if I would be happy with my current situation long term.


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This