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Is Dating A Friend’s Ex Okay?

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If we’re blessed enough, life is pretty long. With that, we forge many relationships. In my own personal Groupme chat last week a question was posed about dating a friend’s ex. I am of the school that it’s never that serious. There was a following question that was asked which was “Is there a time limit to when it would be okay?” Again, for my tastes, I just wouldn’t bother.

Here’s how I pretty much break it down

If you’re a close friend of mine, the second you have feelings for someone they are to not be touched. I just think it’s better to be safe than sorry. Your dude might say they don’t feel a way but he might feel awkward about it once it’s in front of his face. In my estimation, there are more than enough women in the world. There is no need for me to have to pursue one that one of my guys have been with. To that point, being with someone or messing with them is one thing.

When feelings are involved then things are a bit deeper.

I’ve gone as far as to convince myself that some of my friends’ ladies weren’t attractive. Now obviously this wasn’t really the case, but at least in my head it gives me the off limits mindset that I think is needed.

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To tell a quick story, I had a friend of mine who was aware of a girl I was dating for a good while. When I needed advice from time to time from an older playa in the game I’d just ask for his thoughts. He surely knew what my feelings towards this young lady were. I had no problems making them clear. Her and I stopped seeing each other after a while. Oddly, or not so oddly, enough we still were very much into each other. One day I get in from work and this dude hit me up and we play catch up. He asked what was the deal with shorty and I told him that we broke off.  Bear in mind this dude knew what this woman meant to me, yet the following still came out his mouth…. so can I [email protected]$ her?

I was shocked as hell. Surprisingly (maybe because of my shock) I stayed calm and simply said no. What made him feel more stupid was that the same woman I stopped seeing hit me up and told me about a conversation they had prior to him asking permission when he was trying to make advances anyway. He tried to play it off like he consulted me first. Either way you slice it, it’s a pretty shitty deal.

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You’d beg to question what were his motives all along right?

Needless to say that really was the last conversation we had. I’ve always had the same philosophy when it came it dating friend’s exes. This situation simply cemented it for me.

I can’t speak from a ladies point of view, but how do you all view dating a friend’s ex?

Have any of you dated a friends ex?

Let’s talk about it, these are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

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Comment(29)

    1. (In my best Barney Stinson voice): "Bro-code #2: A bro SHALL NOT pursue a female that has been actively dated, pursued, slept with, flirted with, et cetera by a fellow bro. Failure to adhere to any aspect of the Bro-code will result in immediate termination of thine friendship with thine bros followed by being called a p***y @$$ n***a until the bro-minated bro returns to his senses. At that time, the disrespectful bro shall be accepted back into the brotherhood with the restrictive covenant to NEVER break any aspect of the Bro-Code or face getting his @$$ stomped". Dr. D.Knight, Ph.D in Brocode-ology (True story)

  1. Generally the answer to that question is no, out of respect for your friend. BUT, depending on how lenient the friend is and how serious or trivial the relationship was, your friend might not care. And if it was a bullshit relationship and your friend is completely over it and gives you their blessing, go for it. Who knows, that person might end up being your soulmate.

    1. Agreed. My Best Friend ( not play best friend, but friend to the end best friend) went out on a couple of dates with this guy when we were freshmen in college. They smashed but it never went any further than those couple of dates and smash fest. We've all been friends and in the same circle since then. Fast forward to now, we're in our 30's and me and the guy are in a relationship. When we first reconnected it was mutually a friendly situation, hey I'll be in town let's catch up etc. we just got along. He asked me if it would be ok for us to go out on a date, being that he had dated a friend of mine. I said i'd have to run that past my friend and if we get the blessing then fine. Well she gave the ok and we've been dating for almost a year. I think that it really depends on the nature of the initial relationship and the exclusion of shade. Just be up front and be ready for your friend to tell you hell no and to step away if they do.

  2. I’ve dated a friends ex and needless to say it was the biggest mistake! The relationship lasted for about 2 years and made things awkward with my friend and I. Luckily, the friendship wasn’t damaged beyond repair and we’ve been fine after the relationship ended but it’s definitely something I’d never risk again.

  3. No. Just don't do it.
    And if you do it anyway….she better become your wife and the mother of your children and you better stay married forever.

  4. No. Noap. Never. Access Denied.

    Men have egos #newflash, you’ll never know how much a woman means to a guy even if it is your best friend. He can smile and give his blessing all the while be home listening to drake, watching the id channel, thinking about how to kill you and make it look accidental. Its easier to just leave his exes all the way alone.

  5. Personally I wouldn't do it. Never did, don't plan on starting. But conversationally What about if it was an ex from some time ago and your friend is now married with children?

    1. Conversely? That's actually a good point. I honestly don't know. I sort of just shy away from the thought at all. Of course this is in reference to close friends, my homies. Acquaintences maybe not so much

  6. I would never date a friend's ex.

    I believe it's distasteful and shows a lack of loyalty to your friend…..

    especially if you know of the feelings your friend once had for that person.

  7. I think, you have to identify what type of friend this is. Is this a core friend that ya'll are like sisters/brothers or someone you have a deep relationship with? Then no, don't do it.

    But if it's a work buddy turned friend that you bar it up with occasionally, or someone that you are on friendly terms with, then I would say tread lightly. I met someone that fit me all kinds of ways, but he had dated my former coworker who i still kicked it with from time to time. I never pursued it, but those what ifs are blinding.
    My recent post Random Review: Gym Pact

  8. In most cases nah, stay away too messy brodie

    but there are things to examine before even considering crossing that line

    1. like @payne said, what kind friend is this, or is this even a friend, or that one person you say what up to all the time but dont talk to. Them [email protected]@as is you're friendly with, i mean to be safe you can ask, but dont let that change you if its something you can see in the long run.

    2. of course, what kind of relationship was it
    just smashed- yea i guess, but do you really want that anyway?
    talking but never went anywhere at all-i feel like this is ok
    relationship, he broke up with her- i would stay away anyway, because you dont know the bond, but if you feel its that serious, ask permission
    relationship, she broke up with him-nope stay away

    of course theres always that simp route and just base it all on true love lol but that in itself isnt bro code

  9. my take is this- If there was Love between a Person and an Ex: DO NOT PURSUE; if there wasn't and itwas less than 4 Months: Fair game. If you are "over' somebody in All Honesty it Shouldn't even Matter to you if an Ex is w/ a Friend or Relative you Yours. You can Only Control YOU, not the Ex or Friend/Relative.

    That Siad, it IS on the Ex to show what kind of Character He/She has to Pursue a Friend or Relative. Ther are More than Enough Folks NOT Associated to "find' Happiness. For an Ex to go there raises Questions of if they Were Really Compassionate Only for You OR was there a Rebound Plan while the Old Relationship was Still Ongoing….

  10. I'm really lucky in that the real friends I have are all of the "chicks before d*cks" variety, so It's not that big of a deal. The only off-limits are actual RELATIONSHIPS past HS/college (like real, love, monogamous, titled, seen in public BF, co-parents, etc), unrequited loves (you gotta be a special breed of @sshole to pursue a guy your friend's been swooning to you about for months), and those that have done us dirty. Everyone else, we broke up/never started for a reason. I have been known a few dates in to reccomend a guy to a friend if I see nary a connection between us but something about his personality I know would appeal to her.
    My recent post Looks I’m Loving: The Jumpsuit!

  11. Tricky topic. I'm of mind that you can't call dibs on a person.

    Once a relationship is over, there are no backsies. And in truth, yeah there are so many people in the world, but not many "eligible dating people that fit your particular type" In truth, people are friends for a reason, likely they are similar in some sort of way. And if you happen to date someone, then it's not hard to assume that they would have some sort of connection to your friend, who is likely similar to you.

    I believe that as long as feelings are not involved or there is a considerable time lapse (like anything in HS/college should not be considered and afterwards they are fair game). But people like to hold on to feelings for someone they are not with, would never get with, or who would not return the feelings.

    That just sounds a little greedy and selfish. If you really care for someone, you ideally should want them to be happy with or without you.

    Then again what do I know

    1. I agree. I still wouldn't do it because people be in their feelings, but I agree with your sentiments entirely. People hold on to even the little hookups where no feelings were involved from the past and I'm not sure why.

  12. Don't care how fine or how many tricks she can do, I refuse to follow one of my boys. I don't care if my wife kissed one of my boys when she was in kindergarten, that sh*t will still freak me out. I'm That Petty!!!

  13. Nope, i wouldn't do it. It's not worth it nor is it necessary, there are enough men and woman to go around so no need to take someone's sloppy seconds. How do you even interact/function in a situation like this if you are now dating your besties ex-boo, that has to be weird.

  14. No for a couple of reasons:

    Respect for my friendship
    Not sure of how deep that relationships was
    My Ego says sloppy seconds: to clarify a lot of people are technically sloppy seconds but in my mind that doesn't apply when they are a two degrees removed.

  15. It can be done BUT there are certain criteria that need be met.

    1. He and she can not have been in a serious relationship where deep feeling for her were felt.
    2. You cannot enter into a serious relationship with her.
    3. It must remain casual dating at best. Preferrably sexual situation between you two.

    Basically its gotta be a puff puff pass scenario. A woman neither of yall really care for. Past that….NOPE

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