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Would You Recommend Your Ex To His New Girlfriend?

20

Woman at Desk

I couldn’t have dreamed that this would be my reality. I’m sitting at my desk on a weekday afternoon browsing the Internet for relevant media stories like a normal PR professional, when my cell phone started buzzing.

The voice on the other end spoke with hints of hesitation. It was a friend of mine. She was also a friend of his, my recent ex—I’m talking less than three months recent ex. I wasn’t surprised to hear from her but I was definitely surprised to hear what she had to say, “A guy friend called me to inquire about Mr. Ex,” she continued, “His best friend has been dating your ex and he wants to know how your relationship was with Mr. Ex.”

My face was scrunched up with confusion. I found it hard to find the words to reply.

“Hello?” she said.

“I’m here.” I was barely there though. “I’m confused,” I said.

“I know, I get it,” she said. “I really didn’t even know how to call you with this. He basically wants to know if Mr. Ex is a good guy for his homegirl to date?”

The way I saw it I had three options. First, I could straight hang up on her. She was no stranger to my relationship and she knew some of the crap that I went through with Mr. Ex. Therefore, I could leave her to figure out what to say. Second, I could channel my inner “I’ve moved on” spirit and say something politically correct and generally nice about Mr. Ex. Third and last, I could tell her to go back and relay the truth. Things didn’t work out between us. Not because we couldn’t get along, but because he didn’t treat me like I deserved to be treated, and he knew it. He was immature and selfish. I dealt with him for too many years and wasted valuable time trying to allow him the time to turn into the man that I knew I deserved to be with. But let’s be honest, if I told her to run tell that, I would come off as the bitter bitty on the sidelines.

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I did what any rational person would do. I flipped the question on her, “Well, you know the situation. What would you say?”

She started fumbling over her words and it became apparent that she was stuck.

I chimed in. “I don’t really think I’m the best person to ask because what they have going on really has nothing to do with me.”

“I know what you mean. I’ll just figure out something to tell him but I’ll say it is my opinion. I don’t really want to vouch for Mr. Ex either. This is just awkward.”

“You can say that again.”

After I hung up the phone I had to sit back in my chair and take a second to process my feelings. Anger started to bubble up inside of me as I replayed her initial request in my head.  But who was I really mad at? Who could I be mad at? Mr. Ex probably didn’t even know that this conversation took place.

Ahyiana Angel

I guess, if anybody, going to the ex of your new love interest would be a good way to get the scoop. But is that her job to help you out? Should you even remotely expect that she would? It’s sort of like that saying that women use: “I’m not going to train him and make him perfect for the next woman.”  In some ways I think that this applies, so you want me to breakdown my past relationship to give you an advantage or possible insight? And what do I get in return, a thank you note from him for being a good reference? I’m not to be used as your relationship reference. I don’t know about you…but I’m not qualified.

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xoxo

Ahyiana Angel

About the Author: Ahyiana Angel is a Cali girl who has turned the Manhattan streets into her playground. This sassy storyteller—a former sports entertainment publicist at the National Basketball Association (NBA)—is anticipating the release of her first novel about dating in New York, coveted careers, complicated relationships, and ultimate deception. Angel is the creator of the salacious and popular blog Life According to Her. It’s contrived like reality TV, fictionalized for fun (also to protect the innocent), and sensationalized for your entertainment.

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Comment(20)

  1. “I’m not going to train him and make him perfect for the next woman.” Women looooooove this reference

    Can I ask, why do yall care? You've made ya contribution to society, so keep it moving – yes?

    1. women always want a return on their emotional investments, its why they stay too long most of the time. the reality is if youve dated someone and they dont become a better person from it then yo ass slipped up somewhere.

      1. We do that's a huge mistake. Because we forget he has all the baggage from us not with the new chick. So now I say good riddance, go and make that chick happy.

    2. 100% truth?

      Women say that because they very likely were "putting up" with not getting their core relationship needs met because of dude's "potential". He wasn't a sub-par man, he just either wasn't providing what she needed emotionally, or he WAS, it just wasn't wrapped up in a package she completely wanted PHYSICALLY. So she put in the "work" to make up for the 40% he "lacked" for her (trust me, these aren't 80-20 cases here). To get left after putting in all that effort pretty much means the only thing she got out of it was being in a relationship for "x" amount of years that was consistently unfullfilling. Worse yet, the "next" gets to enjoy all those lessons he's learned (or so she thinks, look at Ben Affleck. Dude couldn't WAIT to get back to his old self). The lesson? Just find someone who meets your needs from jump.
      My recent post Marriage Isn't For You

  2. give or take a few, i would say most of my exes, even if they didnt become what eye wanted grew to be mature, loving women with a few tricks of they sleeve #trizzytaughtme that would make someone else very happy. as far as actually giving a glowing recommendation i dont care that much.

  3. The thing is, every relationship is different. Who he was with you is not necessarily who he will be with someone else.

    But more than that, if I have to ask the ex for a reference I'm likely already seeing red flags and I need to either address them with dude, or end the relationship.

  4. I would have been object. I don't hate my ex in the least. We didn't work out. I saw flags, and instead of me chucking up the deuces or asking the appropriate questions, i ignored it and thought it would get better. It ended poorely. Could it have been done better yes. However, I think everyone deserves love. If he didn't ruin me emotionally or physically because he was abusive, why would I actively try to keep him down? Women will hold grudges and feel like on certain things if we didn't succeed why should someone else? I would have gave my objective point of view of the situations, good and bad. On the flipside, If a woman chooses to base her whole outlook of her relationship on what an ex says/thinks, then that's already an issue that she has.
    My recent post Keep on using me until you use me up: Why women stay with jerks

  5. People are gonna do what they wanna do, date who they wanna date no matter what you say. I'd get mad at the friend for even asking me. It's a totally different relationship. They could be each other's soul mates. No need for my opinion on that.

  6. … -_-'! It is kind of highschool to ask for informations anyway…
    But everytime i've been asked, after rolling my eyes, i answered "he's a good guy, it just didn't work between us" …Not saying more… It's very unclear… it's not a diss so i don't look bitter!

  7. This happened to me too!! Except the actual girl found me on the internets and said she’d read some of my blog posts and that they seemed to be warnings…she was asking me questions and hoping to get my number so we share war stories. I had to take a moment but ultimately I said, “I can’t get into details because I have to respect whatever it is we had, but if you are reading my posts as warning…please, take them as such.”

    Laaawd, when will we learn that if we’re investigating and checking relationship references…things have already gone left.

    Great post!

  8. LOLOL. This funny…people doing credit checks on relationships.Haha. I haven't played the game but I know I definitely wouldn't go here. Like everyone else said it could be different in the next round. One thing I would have done was tell my friend she (the new girl) can ask me herself and if she did have the brass to see me face to face just say what was between us was just between us. Then casually walk her through revealing her reservations about being with my ex toward self revelation that she already knows she shouldn't do it by a series of well aimed questions.

  9. Recommending my ex to a new girl is something I cannot really do. After breaking up, I will not like to talk about my ex with others. The reason being that, having fresh and good memories of her can cause me to want to date her again. So if her new boyfriend needs any information, let him find out for himself cause I'm not going to be of help
    My recent post How To Get Over Your Ex

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