Home Dating & Relationships Dating Marriage & Success? Sure. Dating & Success? Not so much.

Marriage & Success? Sure. Dating & Success? Not so much.

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At dinner I shared a story with a friend about how being successful has its disadvantages to dating top notch women. Top notch being defined by men, not women, because we really don’t need the peanut gallery chiming in today. However, I shared this with her, “Do you remember that movie… I Think I Love My Wife? Yeah… look what happened to him trying to chase that woman around. He almost lost everything that made him successful and attractive to that woman. The real take away from that movie wasn’t so clear because most of us got so caught up in the ending. A wise man knows that movie teaches you a key lesson; marriage and success? Yes. Dating and success? Hell no.”

And that’s real.



It’s easy to date, it’s easy to find someone who meets your requirements in a mate, but doing all that and also being able to be successful in all facets of your life is damn hard. Have you noticed that everything that we find attractive in a mate completely conflicts with something else we want in a mate? You want a guy who makes good money, but you also want him to spend money on a date. (Stop bullshitting, you want it. It’s okay to admit that you want it.) And how can a man save money to have money if he’s spending it? And this isn’t much different on the other side, women have the same problem too. We want a woman who looks good, goes to the gym, keep her hair, nails and toes in top notch shape. However, when we realize how time consuming all those tasks are to complete, we’re upset she doesn’t have unlimited time to spend with us… or she’s broke.

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So then this happened…

“This is why I think we should go back to arranged marriages.”

Okay, maybe not, but let’s think about that for a second. If you take the courting phase out of relationships and you leave both parties to focus solely on making themselves better, they don’t have to worry about losing focus in order to date. As farfetched as arranged marriages sound, they got a damn good point.

But that’s awfully unrealistic.

I choose to be successful and I’m not shy in telling someone that about myself. I’m sure that on a Friday evening when faced with a decision of staying late at work to be a part of an important project or going on a date, I’m going to choose work. I’m sure that when faced with the decision of going on a vacation with my significant other or putting a couple grand into my investment account, I’m going to chose my investment account. Those are my priorities in life. And maybe I’ve taken the proverb, “You can lose a lot of money chasing women, but you can’t lose women chasing money” a little too far but that’s all I got. I haven’t seen an example of two people dating that is easy going and a seamless transition for the success of both. Sure they may both end up being successful but it’s never in conjunction with one another; it’s you go first and then I’ll go or vice versa.

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And I know that bothers you and all but what else would you have me do?

Women say they want a man who is got himself together, but then they want a piece of his time. They’ll spend countless hours in a relationship discourse demanding a piece of his life. They’ll tell him that if she’s important to them that he’ll make sacrifices to have her in his life. Does anybody else find this concept extremely hard to follow? If not, it’s because you’re probably as confusing a person as this sense of logic is. Women will just have to come to grips with knowing that they can’t have it all…

And men too.

As President of the We Will Never Ever… Never Ever Date Bassica Simpson Club, I will say that I refuse to lower my standards to the point where I’m willing to date and marry someone who is less than what I want just because they’re willing to accept getting less than what I really have to offer. Now before I mess up my own promotion that doesn’t mean that I don’t date. That’s not what I’m trying to get across to you. All I’m saying is it’s damn hard. It’s nearly impossible. You work ten hours a day, you try and spend a night with your significant other, it’s two people in the mirror instead of one and now you’re late for your 9AM meeting and your boss is giving you that, “I’m going to remember this come review time” look.

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So about those arranged marriages…

I’m just kidding.

Unless you gon’ do it.

Comment(27)

  1. I think you can, it just takes the right people to make it work. It’s won’t be easy and in certain phase of your career dating might not be an immediate option. But you’ll figure it out.

    For example if your late Friday night meeting conflicts with our Friday night plans, let’s do something Saturday afternoon to make up for it. I see women make it work when they want children. One of my bosses at an internship I had said she looked for news before she had her current position she knew she wanted children so she started to look for jobs and companies that were a little more “family friendly” in regards to time, vacation, sick leave etc..

    I just when you really want something you learn to make it work, it won’t be easy and they’ll be a lot of trail and era, but eventually you’ll figure it out.

  2. The gospel according to J was on point today. There's a slew of contradictions while dating. I know of a lady who has a child, works, and goes to school and for some reason I think she would seriously want to pursue me. In my head I'm like shorty your plate is full right now. In my mind I'm like get school over with, settle down the job and home situation and then maybe look to talk to someone more seriously. That's my logic as a man. We're just wired a bit differently. I have many examples to give lol, great stuff though bruh.

    1. Pops many people have a lot goin on in their lives. Married folks have a lot goin on in their lives. But once your done all of that stuff, when your single you come home to an empty bed. Nobody wants that. And most women desire substance, consistency, and just 1 person; especially a woman with a child. She wouldn't want a different man in and out all the time. People always make time for what they want. Plenty of single parents that work and go to school date. My girlfriend was a single parent of 3 kids, worked and went to school and had a boyfriend. She made it work. And like Arethia said, Everything in life is about balance. You can do whatever u want, as long as you have good balance in your life.

  3. “Women say they want a man who is got himself together, but then they want a piece of his time. They’ll spend countless hours in a relationship discourse demanding a piece of his life. They’ll tell him that if she’s important to them that he’ll make sacrifices to have her in his life. Does anybody else find this concept extreme hard to follow?”

    Tabernacle!

    Every now and then a post is so real….you just zone out looking half passed the CPU screen. (shaking your head without even knowing you're doing it) Before you know it, you’re wandering into “maybe she’s right” land. It doesn’t help that Pandora is spilling out Drake songs like it’s a Drake station (I don’t have a Drake station….really, I don’t)

    and then…just like that, I’m late for an important presentation

    Thank You, important presentation. You always get me back on track.

  4. Balance is key when it comes to life. If you're at a point in your career where most of your time is spent in the office, you're not ready to date…not seriously at least. (This is why office relationships, flings and affairs happen too).

    Successful people have a mind that keeps them on the track towards success and nothing or no one will deter them for that. However, when you get to a comfortable place in your career where you actually want to ENJOY life, then your continuation of success and the will and desire to date seriously won't appear "hard" or impossible.

    My priorities changed, (as they should have), once I learned I was with child. After I had her, she was my focus. Not my job or hanging out. Why? Because I had balance. I was settled and thriving in my career, and I'd done all the hanging out necessary. When dating came back on the table, (yeah that happened), I clearly wasn't ready to date then. Now that she's a little older and I feel comfortable leaving her with trusted people, (new mom), I can add dating back to the equation. BALANCE! 🙂

  5. "Balance is key when it comes to life. If you're at a point in your career where most of your time is spent in the office, you're not ready to date…not seriously at least. (This is why office relationships, flings and affairs happen too)." Arethia's points are very true.
    If your not willing to compromise, and sacrifice, your definitely Not ready to be married. Amaris has a post on her site that talks about this. Marriage isn't all about what your s/o can do for you, it's about what you can do for each other. Marriage and raising kids are the most selfless things you can do, (if your great at them).

  6. To be a really good spouse and parent, you must be very unselfish, very considerate, always putting the needs of others first and you don't mind doing it. If this is not you then your not ready to be married and/or have kids. Dating and marriage are 2 different things. Dating is what u do until u find someone u want to spend ur life with, marriage should be forever. Those disadvantages are all in your mind. Once u find a woman u are ready, willing and able to make any and every sacrifice and compromise for, it won't be so hard and u will make it work. Or you will be single for life, by default due to your own personal choices.

  7. I told my dad last summer that I wanted him to find my husband; he thought I was playing…

    I think when it comes to dating, people think you have to spend every free and available moment with your s.o. Not true. Take for instance, the young gentleman that currently has my attention. Yes, we live about an hour away from each other and on average see each other every other weekend. It's still in the new phase, but it works. And there was a point in time where I was the girl that thought I had to see a guy X times a week (more than once). But because he's consistently communicative and we talk or text every day, it works. I'm not sure about him, but my career has not affected our relationship. As others have stated, each person has to decide what works and what doesn't work for them. I think until you truly get to know someone, sacrifices will have to be made. Or as long as you're with an understanding person, you should be fine. I think the main thing is don't make it seem as if the person doesn't matter. I think that's when issues may arise.

    But I still may remind my daddy about my suggestion from last summer.

  8. I don't believe this article didn't mention anything about the self-destruction of the black family and how dating and marriage influences the black community. It's just common sense for our community to start looking at how men and women need to really analyze themselves and a potential mate (of the opposite gender) before a relationship. The black family is almost an absolute unit, and having a firm family structure is the key to community. All this irresponsible behavior too many black men and women jump into is sick. The best advice is to stop emulating ignorant black people on reality shows and hip hop culture.

  9. Hahaha…I was just having a similar conversation regarding my love life (no love life) today. This article is so true….the struggle is real. After work, working out, writing, networking, doing my hair, etc, I'm pretty exhausted most days. Depending on how busy your schedule is, it may be difficult to devote much time to dating. I know what type of guy that I want to date but then when I think about it if he is just like me we will probably never have time for each other. I think you have to decide whether you are willing to put off marriage and family in order to pursue a career or future goals. Once you make that decision, you have to live with it. Arranged marriages definitely not my style, but it would make things less complex…lol. http://www.purposedrivenambition.com/2013/01/you-

  10. It is about balance. But it's also about priorities. I would need to know the age of the author to state whether this commentary is based on a youthful person trying to chase paper, or someone who is older & has had a lot of poor dating experiences.

    What happens when you do get married? You'll still need to make time to spend with your spouse, so that's something one can begin to adjust to now during the dating process.

    Or, if you're not willing to give up your time to day you must want someone who is less accomplished than you are with more time on their end to give you. For example: doctors rarely date/marry each other for this reason – both parties can't work 60+ hour work weeks & still have time for each other. So either one person is more successful with less time to give with the other person not as accomplished with more free time or the more accomplished person concedes a little bit more to make that relationship work.
    My recent post Why Do Poor Black People Buy Stuff They Can’t Afford?

  11. of course you can date and be successful, especially if you're a serial dater and are dealing with the same socioeconomic status as you. As far as being in a relationship and being successful it depends on if your companion is in the same boat because both of you are busy but can make time for each other as opposed to one being busy and the other being idle. And besides it all depends on if the two of you are on the same page or not. It's possible but not realistic.
    My recent post What If I Make More Money Than Him? Why Do Men Suddenly Ditch Us? If You Need To Know Just Ask (Pt 3)

  12. Speaking as someone who has plenty of relatives who were in "arranged marriages," it's not that far-fetched and it can actually be pretty successful. They did their dating thing as teenagers but after that it's kind of a waste of time to keep dicking around when you think about it. You can't date people honestly in urban America because if you tell someone straight up what your goals in life are (ie to get married) they look at you crazy like you're doing too much.

    If you're just on that get money tip and truly feel that way about dating, go to church or mosque and find a wife/husband. Dating basic worldstarhiphop consuming ass males/females (educated ones included here) and playing these games is a waste of time. Just find someone cut from the same cloth with the same goals and build a future together. We make it much more complicated than it is.

    And I feel what homie is saying about the black family up thread. The family is a crucial unit to what makes any individual and any community strong and successful.

  13. A wise man once told me: "if you try to be good at everything, you will never be great at one thing." That said, both men and women should realize that we can't have/do it all. We constantly are on a roller-coaster of Complacency and Entitlement or somewhere in between. It's funny to hear people have issue with the fact that because they placed their focus in one aspect of life, others tend to go lacking. Like parents who complain about their kids in every way, but fail to realize that YOU CHOSE TO HAVE THEM. Balance is important, but so is compatibility. Finding someone who can function in your truth and reality and vice versa is what a meaningful union is all about. Life is not that complicated, we should accept the outcomes of the choices we make. If we don't want to then we must make different choices, but by all means don't think that if you're one track minded that everyone else's train will merge onto your track.

  14. "The real take away from that movie wasn’t so clear because most of us got so caught up in the ending."

    No, it's was clear as fresh mountain air. Hell, Chris Rock's boss says it clearly:

    "You'll lose money chasing women. But you'll never lose women chasing money."

    And it's so, so…SO TRUE.

  15. Girl age 16: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: ” I don’t want to hurt your feelings, or come off as a bitch to my friends, but I’m really much more attracted to Bad Boys – outlaw bikers, the football team’s quarterback, basically any guy who appears dangerous and exciting. You’re Nice, nice and mundane”

    Girl age 22: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “Thanks for listening on the phone to me cry, fall into verbal hysterics and drone on for hours about my Jerk BF (oh, and my little dog too). You’re really sweet, and deserve a girl (which isn’t me) who can appreciate how nice (i.e. mundane) you are.”

    Girl age 28: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “I know you’ve always been (an) my emotional tampon, and thanks for sticking with it – any sane guy would’ve found a far better prospect by now. And while I’m beginning to see that guys like you are stable, dependable and tend to make a lot more money than the Jerks I’ve dated, I think I’m gonna hold out for a hotter guy than you while my looks still hold up”

    Woman age 32: “Why can’t I just find a nice guy?”

    Woman age 35+: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “Oh, you’re a Nice Guy,..here, let me suck that for you. See? Being a Nice Guy does get you laid!,..thanks for being there for me when I needed you; my fatherless kids appreciate your generosity too. How chivalrous of you to forgive my past indiscretion and take us in, I wish there were more guys like you. I really pity the women who can’t appreciate your kind of dedication – you are so different from “other guys””.

  16. For Christians, The bible says that he who finds a wife…finds a good thing AND obtains favor from the lord…I even think that this holds true if you are a Buddhist…God blesses unity…Maybe that is why the black community is so jacked up, we won't come together on any level…as a community OR as men and women…the women are having babies with every Tom, Di…well you get it…and the men are being players and in jail…..there is something to say about unity. The other races of men that I know (not saying they don't cheat and are perfect) take pride in having a wife….many black men are 35 still going to the club and have no stocks or bonds, nothing. Im just saying.

  17. I do agree that we need more unity in our community. I will even agree that black matrimony is an endangered species. However, I will not submit to a subjective interpretation of scripture to justify assigning action or lack thereof to a particular gender. Beware of literal interpretation, it can be misleading.

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