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Why Players Are Really Just Insecure Men

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 insecure men

Players never win, that is my philosophy.

People who cheat think they are getting ahead, but they are only fooling themselves. Not only are players cheating themselves, but their actions reflect what they carry inside, a lack of maturity and an unhealthy development into adulthood.

When I hear men who are players call their women insecure, I realize that this is the man speaking out of a guilty conscious and using a primitive defense mechanism called Projection. Usually, men attribute their own undesirable thoughts and feelings onto their women who do not have those thoughts and feelings. Does this sound familiar? Little do these men know, they are the ones who are insecure in themselves.



Players demonstrate their insecurity by jumping from one woman to another in search for happiness and self- satisfaction. Basically, they are not happy with themselves. This is mainly because they don’t feel love or don’t feel they have real love for anyone. So they hide that emptiness in the lifestyle of a player where expression of emotions is not required and lovelessness reigns.

According to the renowned family psychologist Erickson, a developmental milestone of the early adult is to find love in relationships. The young adult must develop intimate relationships or suffer feelings of isolation. The typical player falls right into this category: a person who has not found a satisfying loving intimate relationship, thus suffers from feelings of isolation. He covers up the feelings of isolation by being with multiple women(Acting Out). The multiple women that the player is with are usually unloving relationships. In order to cope with feelings of isolation and inadequacy , the player performs an extreme behavior to express thoughts or feelings that he feels incapable of otherwise expressing. So he “Acts Out” (another defense mechanism) because of his isolation by behaving like a ‘Player.’

See Also:  10 Questions to Ask Before Proposing

I met a guy who had a real nice girlfriend. He stayed with her because she was a good girl, the type he could bring home to his mother and the type he thought would make a good mother to his children. She was very pretty too. However, this guy still had his mind on other girls. He started off flirting until one day he was unfaithful to his girl. People think flirting is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. In this case, he hurt his beloved because maybe he was insecure with himself. Why did he cheat? Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with himself. Maybe he wasn’t ready to be faithful or monogamous and he wasn’t confident or mature enough to admit it and handle it in a responsible way.

I know men who are so confident in themselves and satisfied with their relationship that they have no desire to entertain other women. That’s why my theory about men who cheat is a reflection of their insecurity. They are not confident enough in themselves; There is a lack of self- realization so they jump around from woman to woman hiding this lack of personal growth. They have not yet reached the milestone of finding a loving relationship and instead are still fighting the battle of intimacy versus isolation. Because of this lack of adult realization, they “act out” defensively by being a player.

See Also:  Who's Gonna Check Me Boo?!

These soulless, heartless cheating men have a lot to learn about themselves. The help they need is not from another woman, but from a therapist. So women stay away. Don’t be inclined to ‘help’ or ‘change’ these men into the ‘good’ man you want him to be. This change will only be initiated by their own self-realization.

Be blessed, spread love,

Kim

This post originally appeared on Seriously, Maybe. Now what say you all?!

 

Comment(56)

  1. Absolutely right, Players are definitely insecure men. I m not a player per say but I have had problem with wandering eyes and flirtation which all stem from being that shy awkward kid in high school who never got a date. There is hope for the player or insecure man though, it gets better with age, time and reflection although there will be phase of immersing one's self in multiple women.
    My recent post Be A Better Man Before Happily Ever After

  2. I don't believe it's that black and white. Some people cheat because their partner didn't hold up his/her end of the bar in the relationship.

    1. You are so correct. Sometimes people's partners are not the people we thought THEY were. Some of that is accurate, but like you said, it's not that black and white. Lazy partners sometimes rather they know it or not push us into the 'arms' of another.

      1. No one is to blame for a man choosing to cheat. If you are "pushed" into the arms of someone else, it's a decision that YOU chose. No one can make you do anything. If your "lazy" partner isn't suitable, why not end it??? So many people (men and women) move on to other people before their current relationship is over. No breathing room to figure out what didn't work, if there was any compromise, etc. Then people wonder why they keep meeting the same kind of person! Lol you get out what you put in.

    1. I think woman accept and stay with these men because of their own insecurities of wanting someone to "love" them. I disagree that women actually like these type of men. What women likes feeling that she is not adequate enough to be loved back by the person she loves? If you take the time to actually talk to most of those women you will find most are not truly happy in the situation and long for something better.

    2. I hate guys like this, they literally repulse me and when I interact with them it is typically not enjoyable for either of us, because I don't eat their bullshit like their other women do.

      Can men PLEASE stop generalizing what most women like?

      I agree with JustMyThoughts above though. Women just think about their flaws and think no one else but that man would accept them. Which is not true.

  3. I agree to an extent but you also have to think if a man 'plays' recklessly just to have some sort of female attention without any regard for his home then, yes he is insecure and needs a many women as possible to validate his manhood. Some men just do it for the fun and excitement of creeping on the side, some men do it because they aren't truly happy with their spouse but still take care of home. So all in all they guys who 'force it' are insecure…
    My recent post Going Natural For Life Or Fashion? Why We Love Black Women That Love Their Hair

    1. Yes. All it takes is a few words. Definitely an INDIVIDUAL choice, that reflects the character and depth of that person ONLY. No one can cause another person to do anything.. It is a choice to cheat. FREE WILL.

  4. Most players are just selfish. They don't cheat because of some insecurity. They cheat because they want to sleep with other people but want to maintain the benefits of the relationship. I've never had any friends who cheated on their girlfriends because of some emotional trauma. They just fed them that line to save face.
    Also, cheating is not a sign of immaturity. Do some immature people cheat? Yeah. But at the base of it is just selfishness. You cheat when you want to, regardless of other people's feelings. You can be mature and still cheat. Maturity didn't stop all these men with power and fame from doing it.

      1. Have to disagree with you there. You're confusing can't with won't. When you cheat on your wife or husband, you actively disregard the agreement made to remain faithful. There's nothing physically forcing you. The choice is one hundred percent up to you. Again, people pretend to have been coerced into cheating either through seduction or momentary weakness. No one wants to hear "Well I didn't think about you/forgot I was married/she works it better so that's when I did it." To say "Babe I'm so sorry, I couldn't think straight/the alcohol/the pain meds/I was lonely without you and she was taking advantage of me" softens the blow.

        Also, emotional maturity does not necessarily mean taking the moral high road. It means you considered the other person's feelings. Now considering something doesn't always result in a positive outcome. When I cheated, I considered my girlfriend's feelings, decided mine were more important, and went ahead and did what I did anyway. I felt guilty after but it was my decision and I knew better. If you can't consider someone's feelings, then you don't care much for the person anyway. That's not emotional maturity, but another problem altogether.

  5. When did being a "Player" equate to cheating? As prevalent as the hook-up culture is these days, that's a pretty broad generalization.

  6. IMO….whether a player, a cheater or all the above, the writer is on point. It's about maturity and self-love. If your partner isn't doing what they need to then you need to be mature enough to deal with that before you go stickin it somewhere else…that's maturity. If you are being selfish and having a relationship while still having relations with other people…than there is still some underlying emotional issues of insecurity you are not addressing or refuse to even see. The first step is admittance and most "players" would never admit they are insecure and need attention and validation from multiple women to feel secure and valuable. I think this is on point and gave me a different perspective. Too often women think there is something wrong with them…nope…he's got the issue, really.

    1. If someone does not want love or monogamy, then they need to be up front and very open about that, which is something player and cheaters do not do. The best beat is to be single and alone because 98% of the time the women will want more than just some friends with benefits, open relationship type situation. If you don't want love why mess with somebody anyway? Humans have feelings and experience love for a reason so your sol in that situation.

  7. This is true to a certain extant. When I went through a player phase it was mostly because I didn't want to risk forming attachments to any woman. I was reeling from a year long relationship that went south, didn't think I could really be loved so I didn't show love to anyone else. Now I wasn't cheating, I was avoiding committed relationships altogether.
    Like the article says, don't go trying to "save" a man like this. You won't succeed. A player or cheater can always change his ways, but that's up to him take the necessary steps to make that change.

    1. I totally cosign this…I think there is a big difference between being a player and being a cheater. If you haven't committed to ANYONE and you're just messing around/hooking up with several folks you aren't a cheater. You can't cheat without a commitment. If an adult has unrealistic expectations from a person they are hooking up with that isn't the other person's fault, it is their own dang fault. I can't cheat on someone who I haven't bothered giving a title. I'm not gonna comment on actual cheaters though b/c past experience lets me know y'all aren't receptive to any support of a cheater around these parts LOL

  8. The projection thing is certainly true, but I don't think that's relegated to players. People project period in relationships when they're called to the carpet on their BS. And being a player doesn't automatically make you a cheater either.

    The only part I don't agree with is players are often those who lacked the development of loving relationship early in adulthood. There are tons of guys who have/had a great relationship with a woman in their formidable years. We've discussed the GF0 effect a few times on SBM. A man's 1st for real heartbreak kinda sets the tone for how he'll deal w/ women for awhile. If he chooses the h0 road, does that necessarily make him insecure? Nah, he's just avoiding the familiarity of getting hurt again.

    A man doesn't need therapy to realize his player ways are foul and to deal with his insecurity. Sometimes it's maturity. Other times, it's a matter of falling in love when he didn't expect to and experiencing how much it sucks to not be made a priority (the Marcus Graham experience)
    My recent post Agent Diaries: After The Contract Signing, Then What?

  9. I don't limit this behavior to men. There are opportunists in both genders.
    I will say that I believe it is less insecurity (as in, not sure of self) and more an extreme version of self-preservation. It is not unlike the Holly Golightly you know who only half commits to jobs and coasts, or the guy you know that is a great starter of projects but rarely follows through; or your little brother or sister who's been in school for 8 years and changed majors eight times, the list goes on. If you never fully committ you never fully feel the pain of failure, or watching everything you've invested in turn to dust. It's not exactly healthy, but it's not decidedly UNhealthy, either. It is what it is.
    My recent post Marriage Isn't For You

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  10. Relationships are really fun at the beginning. Then they start to suck.

    So why not just have a bunch of relationships where you enjoy them until the newness wears off and then you find another person to get with?

    That doesnt sound like insecurity– it sounds like a winning strategy. Being with one person forever sounds like a crap shoot. Constantly having new experiences with new people sounds like the way to never be bored or lonely.

    1. Until you get ED and the chicks starts clowning because you can't perform at 51 the way you did at 21. Or Or, the thinning hairline hits you just so, and next then you know, your sporting the mega-Lebron hairline. Just saying! New is great, but someone who accepts that you are probably going to go down hill eventually and still love you regardless is kinda cool too.
      My recent post We got some figuring out to do: What to do when you get burnt out on dating?

      1. "New is great, but someone who accepts that you are probably going to go down hill eventually and still love you regardless is kinda cool too. "

        These arent mutually exclusive. You can have both.

        1. I think its pretty clear.

          Men don't (and shouldn't) have a mentality of fear that their options diminish as they age. A man who is old and unattractive can still pull women of all ages. Even if he has ED, he can have attractive chicks slurping his limp noodley appendage (soft head still feels good btw) and rubbing his bald plate as long as he wants.

          But women don't have that luxury. A chick who is old, unattractive, and cant have kids isnt gonna get much attention from quality men. Only dudes with granny fetishes will be down for that. lol

          So yea, as a man you can always find new women to keep you company well into old age, as long as you have masculine traits– power to protect, provide, and lead. I'm sure everybody has heard of some old school septuagenarian playa that can still pull women half his age.

        2. I think you have some severely lofty ideas about old men. TRUST. Old dudes are not out here pulling a bunch of women, and IF they are (big IF) it probably isn't the "new" they really want. They probably want young and fine. They aren't getting that. Stop looking at Clooney and Nicholson and thinking that isn happens in real life. It doesn't.

        3. And you speak from what? Your experience as an old man playing the game?

          Trust me, it happens in real life. I've seen it. And the more I age, the more I experience it.

          Old rich and powerful men can get laid like a combover. The key is "rich and powerful." Somebody tell me I'm lyin!

          Don't blame me– hypergamy is a biotruth and a predominately female trait.

        4. Are you an old man in the game? Right back at ya.

          I did notice you actually added the key word to your last statement. RICH. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Lets be real here, you just lowered your pool significantly just by adding that one word.

          Nowhere in your original statement did you mention rich. Unattractive rich, old people in GENERAL can get laid like crazy at any age. Even the women boo.

        5. Yup. I'm old as dirt. Old man game works.

          Rich helps. My point is that being old isnt a disqualifier for men. However, the only way an old rich woman will get play is if she pays some stud to give her dusty vag an indian burn.

          BUT pretty young chicks will garble rich old man balls for FREE. The richness turns women on. But it doesnt turn men on. So we men always have that in our favor as we enter senior citizenship.

          Its not that being old is bad… its that women care about things other than physical attractiveness, so we men can lean on those things as our looks fade. Tell me i'm lyin!

  11. this article could be true at times but there isn't one label and face you can put on cheating. i have had to fight the temptation to cheat while in relationships but there are alot of factors. number one is yourself missing something from the person you with. number two is the women who throw it at you hard while you with somebody who may have never thrown it at you while single because you become more attractive while you with somebody. which explains men that have not a dollar in their pocket but 11 baby mamas.
    My recent post BLACK KIDS – YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

    1. my husband was cheating on me and when i found out we had a fight which lead to him filling for a divorce i cried and fell sick when i was searching about love quotes online i saw people talking about him and his great work whose case was similar to mine they left his contact info i contacted him and he told me not to worry that after 24hrs he will cancel the divorce and be back to me after i did everything he asked me to do to my greatest surprise the next day evening it was my husband he knelt down begging me to accept him back,thank you once again Robinson buckler you are indeed a blessing to me he can also help you contact

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  12. Girl age 16: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: ” I don’t want to hurt your feelings, or come off as a bitch to my friends, but I’m really much more attracted to Bad Boys – outlaw bikers, the football team’s quarterback, basically any guy who appears dangerous and exciting. You’re Nice, nice and mundane”

    Girl age 22: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “Thanks for listening on the phone to me cry, fall into verbal hysterics and drone on for hours about my Jerk BF (oh, and my little dog too). You’re really sweet, and deserve a girl (which isn’t me) who can appreciate how nice (i.e. mundane) you are.”

    Girl age 28: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “I know you’ve always been (an) my emotional tampon, and thanks for sticking with it – any sane guy would’ve found a far better prospect by now. And while I’m beginning to see that guys like you are stable, dependable and tend to make a lot more money than the Jerks I’ve dated, I think I’m gonna hold out for a hotter guy than you while my looks still hold up”

    Woman age 32: “Why can’t I just find a nice guy?”

    Woman age 35+: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “Oh, you’re a Nice Guy,..here, let me suck that for you. See? Being a Nice Guy does get you laid!,..thanks for being there for me when I needed you; my fatherless kids appreciate your generosity too. How chivalrous of you to forgive my past indiscretion and take us in, I wish there were more guys like you. I really pity the women who can’t appreciate your kind of dedication – you are so different from “other guys””.

    1. Nope. not even close. nice try, though.

      For the last time, "nice" is the word you use when you can't think of a word to describe a generally uninteresting or unattractive or incompatible person (FOR YOU) that doesn't contain any "hard" disqualifyers like jail time or four baby daddies or is a woman-beater or anything. You can't exactly insult them because there's nothing inherently "wrong" with them…just every fiber of your being finds them either boring or generally incompatible.
      "Nice" on paper…just "not" for me. Dassit.
      My recent post Marriage Isn't For You

    2. Here we go again with the "Nice Guy" argument…YAWN! Get over it! You're either largely unattractive, have poor hygiene or you're broke! Go fly a kite with this argument. It really is getting OLD.

      1. You are right. But women need to stop complaining lack of decent men in general (those value decent morals, unlike nice guys, bad boys, thugs and jerks)

        1. Meant to say: You are right. But women need to stop complaining about the lack of decent men in general (those who value decent morals unlike nice guys, bad boys, thugs, and jerks).

  13. I totally agree with you on the fact that Players never win. The truth about the matter is that players waste time moving around thinking there are having fun when in the long run, they shall come to realize that they've done some terrible mistakes which will hunt them for life. Cheating is bad and is not something to be encouraged. Thanks so much for the great write up.
    My recent post How to show your boyfriend you love him

  14. THOUGHTCRIMINAL November 11, 2013 At 11:07 Am
    Most players are just selfish. They don’t cheat because of some insecurity. They cheat because they want to sleep with other people but want to maintain the benefits of the relationship. I’ve never had any friends who cheated on their girlfriends because of some emotional trauma. They just fed them that line to save face.
    Also, cheating is not a sign of immaturity. Do some immature people cheat? Yeah. But at the base of it is just selfishness. You cheat when you want to, regardless of other people’s feelings. You can be mature and still cheat. Maturity didn’t stop all these men with power and fame from doing it.

    Thanks,

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