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Ten Things Not To Say After Sex

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You’ve just finished engaging in coital activity for the last five to twenty minutes (maybe longer, dare to be different) and as both of you are staring at the ceiling fans while the sunlight comes through the blinds you wonder what to say. You can say something real romantic or you can say something real dumb. It probably depends a lot on what you want to come out of the situation. You may want round 2, you may want to just roll over to sleep, or you may want to the person to get the hell out as soon as possible. (We could write a dissertation on trying to get someone to leave after sex and they insist on sticking around.) Whether man or woman, we are both faced with finding those words. Well, whatever you do you don’t want to say the following…

  1. “What are you bout to do?” – The classic response. This is the nicest possible way of asking someone to leave without actually saying it. However, it’s so cliché that as soon as you say the other person feels like crap.
  2. “Do you want my number?” – This goes to show you that a lot of people engage in one night stands that can possibly grow into something much more later. I do feel some type of way about having sex with someone before you have their phone number.
  3. “I can’t find the condom.” – Uh oh. “Better use that latex because you don’t want that late text, you know that, I think I’m late … text.”
  4. “What are we going to tell them if they ask?” – You ever been sleeping with someone you know you ain’t have no business sleeping with and you know nobody can find out this went down? Yeah, me neither.
  5. “That was ten times better than my ex!” – Nobody wants to think about your ex at this time. Although you think this is a compliment, it’s a constant reminder that someone else was there before.
  6. “You have to go before my husband (or wife) gets home.” – If it’s one thing I’ve learned in 2013, it’s that people break vows like everyday, b.
  7. “You can sleep a little longer; I have to go to work. There’s a spare under the doormat.” – People are just way too trustworthy with people these days. While I think it’s important that you trust and respect those that you’ll have sex with; don’t be giving up the keys to the kingdom after a few minutes of sexual contact. This how you come home and all your stuff be missing.
  8. “You’re still here?” – If the person stays around, it’s usually because they really like you. Here you go hurting their feelings by asking them why they’ve decided to hang around for brunch or lunch. Be nice, just ask them “what are you bout to do?”
  9. “I was really drunk last night.” – This takes the biggest hero and turns them into the smallest zero. This is humbling for anyone who experiences this. Immediately once you hear this you can slide that encounter into the “doesn’t count” category.
  10. “I kind of need to tell you something.” – People don’t preface shit except bad news. And if they say “kind of” or “think” when revealing they need to tell you something it’s usually a sign of something to come that you really don’t want to hear.
See Also:  Why Loving Yourself Is More Than Just A Cliche

Drink and party responsibly.

What are something you never want to hear when the sex is over? Or what’s some things you’ve heard in the past that really pissed you off? But moreover, how else do you get the message across without just being blunt at times? I’m from the, somebody’s feelings is going to be hurt so let me make sure it’s not mine, school of thought.

– Dr. J

Comment(21)

  1. Awesome article…#8 wouyld be a jacked up thing to say, especially to a woman who gave you the goods out of genuine likeness for you. That is something you say to a one nighter/jump off type of woman. And shoot you never know maybe she may go down to your kitchen and hook you up with some breakfast, or give you a morning session…so yeah by saying that would be messed up.

    #7 Would only be if she was my steady girlfriend and if I had nothing to hide because you know women no matter how trustworthy are nosy. If I was playing on the side and not sure where certain things may be out in the open I wouldn't leave her there
    My recent post Things Women Do That Get A Major ‘Side Eye’ From Men

    1. Agreed. Definitely has to be someone you are seriously dating before even suggesting something like this. I also agree with the author as there are some guys that are extremely trusting.

      Regardless if its steady or one nighter, your crib is getting swept. No question. Top to bottom. She will break out the forensic skills and search, open, dig, analyze, read, turn over, etc. This is why I would implore men (whether or not you have something to hide) to keep a very minimalist appearance to your place. The more miscellaneous items you have laying about on your desk, dresser, etc, the more intriguing it will be for someone to want to ‘take a look’.

      Mr. SoBo OpinionatedMale.com

      My recent post:: Going Natural For Life Or Fashion? Why We Love Black Women Who Love Their Hair

      My related post:: Did I Do That? 10 Things Men Say After Bad Sex

  2. 1. the tactful way is to bring up something they said they gotta do, hit em with a, so what time is that appointment?

    2. not really a ons kinda guy, aint tryna waste good gushy go green n sh t.

    3.. lost condoms? we still fronting like we cant tell the difference…cool.

    4. if shes the one with something to lose, it aint my problem, if i am…well i never would put myself in that situation

    5. who in the drake would say that

    6.. jumpoffs should know the so schedule better than you do…be good or be good at it

    7.. i remember one time, this girl and her roommate got up went to work, me and some random ninja were there, it was awkward because i had knew my girl longer so i wasnt sure if i was supposed to be the last to leave or him, then he started making breffis so i dipped

    8. were not robots, save that blatantly rude sh t for tv

    9. i let this slip once, and the struggle face from her was too real, yeah keep that to yourself

    10. uh oh.

  3. I agree with the number 1. It is definitely a classic phrase and will not be going anywhere anytime soon. Sure the person on the receiving end of this may interpret it in a negative way, but I find that if its phrased just right, you can avoid evoking such a feeling within them. Usually the other person (the one who stayed the night) will be self conscious and typically initiate that question in order to gauge whether or not they will be overstaying their welcome. This eliminates that awkwardness of you having to broach the subject or give clues.

    Another way to give a major hint to the person without incriminating yourself is to simply excuse yourself to shower. At this point, the person will know instinctively that its time to gather their things and get tha fugg out. Such a manuever provides the person with that private moment to get themselves together without feeling the awkwardness of your eyes upon them as you lay waiting for them to get dressed to leave. You will find that upon your return from your shower, they will be fully dressed patiently sitting, waiting (likely responding to texts) for you so that they can bid you adieu for the day. However, if you return from the shower to find them comfortably wrapped up in your sheets, then that is when you resort to #8. Just joking.

    Mr. SoBo

    OpinionatedMale.com

    My recent post: Why We Love Black Women Who Love Their Hair

    1. My Standard Move With a 1-Niter or a Newbie is to Not Take Them to My House Anyway. We are Going to a Hotel or Her House So When It's Over … I Can Get My Ish and Go (if it's her house).

      At a Hotel I Just Ask: "So What's Your Day Going to be Like? Cause I'm Going to Have to Hit the Floor Running. I Gotta (name 2 or 3 things back to back)" … So Do You Want Me to Join You in the Shower or I Can Just Wait Until You Come Out? (the trick is to keep talking until you've said the whole thing)

    2. I actually appreciate when the guy goes to take a shower. That way we both are clear that I can leave and we don't have to do the awkward post ONS dialogue. I never take a guy to my place because it's way harder to get someone to leave than to figure out a way to gracefully get the hell out of there.

  4. I'm sorry but this article didn't help me much. Who says most of that stuff? Is it ten things a guy shouldn't say? Or the girl? Lets get real and talk about things that are really said or done that should be, like .."Thanks I really needed that." or … "I gotta check my phone (look through text messages)…. or how about calling someone else's name?

    I wanna hear real experiences like what Tristan shared in his point #7 and #9. The reason is I'm not hear to breeze through some generic commercial- feeling reading material to be amused. I have serious and real questions as a successful black male and want to read material that helps explore parts of the black male psyche that are often hidden or ignored. Nevertheless, great article.
    My recent post Leadership… who the h**k cares?

  5. I must be either really lucky or…I'm just lucky, lol. I've never heard any of these. I have heard my guy friends hilarious stories of the repercussions of every one except #7 (which, coincidentally, is actually quite common overseas. They'll even drop you off at work. Shoot, I know a guy whose one-night LENT HIM HER CAR and had him drop HER off at work. O_o).
    My recent post Marriage Isn't For You

  6. "What are we?" Not that this question isn't important to ask in itself, but waiting until the deed is done is manipulative in nature. It just seems like a backdoor attempt to leverage sex into a relationship.

  7. #1 – Used that. Hey…we weren't a couple. We weren't even dating casually. Soooooo….yeah. I'm going this way. I dont know what you are gonna do?

    #3 – *hangs head in shame* I'm sad to say that I had that happen once. Thats what I get for using a wack ass Durex condom. Thank God she did not get prego.

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