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The Problem of the Inflated Black Male Ego

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Becoming A Good Black Man is a Great Accomplishment.

As one, I think about it every once in a while. My public schools were all below average; I was more likely to turn to a life of crime; I was more likely to acquire less education (even compared to my female counterparts); I was less likely to earn more than my peers. And basically, there are years of discrimination and environmental factors that doomed me out of the womb to live a lackluster life.

Yet … I’m here.

So by the time I was out of undergrad with my two degrees, good paying job, and Acura (I miss her so much) … you couldn’t tell me sh*. Felt like I had won the lottery and all the new attention from the fairer sex was more than welcomed. I loved monogamy, yet I almost never gave anyone the “label” they were asking for because, well, I didn’t have to. I never treated anyone horribly, but I sure wasn’t nice.

Fast forward 6 years. I’m significantly better off than before, but I’ve learned (not sure where) humility (kinda).

Sometimes I sit and talk to young SBM (he lives in my head and calls me a punk from time to time) and ask him “Why are you such an a$$ and why are your friends 10x worse?”

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We all know that many professional black men feel the same as young SBM (or worse). Dodging marriage and relationships and “getting it.” We know we are part of a very small and selective club. We know that the professional black women club is a lot bigger and wants us more than we do them. We know that while we will go grab a latino, white, or asian significant other, our female counterparts are far less likely. We know that we are highly desirable and there aren’t enough of us to go around. Don’t hate.

It re-dawned on me when I was back in DC talking to my single and equally as old friends. As they preached about the single life and being able to sample from the buffet that is women in DC, I sat there as an old man looking down on the youngins.

BUT, I will state now that women have a very large role in this problem. Speaking from experience, when I was an undergrad studying computer science and economics and grinding … girls weren’t feeling me the way they did after graduation. Many black women at that age (at least where I’m from) weren’t looking for the guy with future earning potential. After losing out on one of my female classmates to the guy in night school who boosted cars on the side (real story), don’t blame me for enjoying the fruits of my labor.

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But … at some point it’s a problem …

As a society, we all benefit if folks pair and produce babies. Children of success are more likely to be successful. And assuming we all want to see the disparity between races to disappear (or at least put us at top), we need to keep putting kids out there and make sure they rise. Lastly, with two incomes and more free time (because you aren’t dating) a married black couple can produce, for the greater good, more than two singles.

And there it is …

What is the cost of having so many of our successful black men not wanting to settle down? Is “running the streets” hurting the race? At what point does “keeping my options open” becomes an extraordinary display of ego?

Or am I just the old man talking that bullsh*?

– SBM aka Feeling Real Grown Today aka Staring At My Cornell West Original on the Bookshelf

Comment(316)

    1. Agreed. When men "make it" often we have the pick. Now the fine girl who dissed you in school with three kids by three different dads is passed up for the cute girl with steady income and her own luxury vehicle.

    2. Really ya’ll? More of this, “I’m a good black man” bs??? Degrees on degrees, a job & an acura does not a good black man make! A man who uses his achievements & material possessions to FINALLY GET SOME REVENGE on all the women who rejected him when he was in college is not a good black man. It is a [email protected]$$ man lol.

      1. @Sincereluv4life

        A man who uses his achievements & material possessions to FINALLY GET SOME REVENGE on all the women who rejected him when he was in college is not a good black man. It is a [email protected]$$ man lol.

        I co-sign this.

        How is that any different from women who leverage their s-xual mating value assets?

        It just looks worse when a guy does it, because we expect more from the male species, whatever.

        1. I dont think it looks worse when men do it. Men just happen to be the focus of todays comments 🙂 I think anybody, man or woman who manipulates the opposite sex kinda sucks. Whether a man uses money & success or whether a cute girl uses her "shmexual mating value assets" as you put it.

        1. It's not bs for a black man to be a good man. (Btw kudos to you for having your associates, there are ppl out here who don't even have that.). It is however bs for a black man to consider himself a "good black man" just because he has money or a measure of success. Especially if that man doesn't have good character and uses his success and financial status as an excuse to be a player.

        2. I was not pity congratulating you, that was legit, where i'm from there aren't too many bm w/ any kind of degree *shrugs*

          "Why would you assume something negative about a person claiming to be good."

          In the article SBM equates being a good black man to a mans successes. I was not taking any personal shots at you, I'm just saying that a mans character is a better measure of his "goodness" than how much money or success he has.

      2. Not today hoe.

        How many women can base their careers and success off some petty ego driven bs lol?

        You sound mad cuz Jamal aint got time for your BASIC ass, and got his and moved on.

        Cest la vie or some shit.

        1. Wow, never been insulted like this on the web or in real life. Relax homie it's not that deep, it's just a blog.

  1. What is the cost of having so many of our successful black men not wanting to settle down?
    Simply women that are willing to settle with less to achieve some semblance of what they want, because they feel they can get that individual later. Not realizing that attraction goes up for older men, but decreases with women the same age.

    Is “running the streets” hurting the race?
    No more than women doing the same and not giving play for the brother with future potential.

    At what point does “keeping my options open” becomes an extraordinary display of ego?
    Never. If you wait for whats right- no matter how long it takes, you're doing right.

    Or am I just the old man talking that bullsh*?
    Sounds like the one that got away may have crossed your mind sir.

  2. The cost of successful black men not wanting to settle down is kind of hard to say. If you subscribe to the notion that we create our own destiny, then it could hurt us in the demographic when it comes to successful black households. If you subscribe to the notion that no matter what choices you make you will still end up where you are supposed to, then it doesn't hurt it at all. In my opinion I think people should do what they want to do because it's their life to live. We shouldn't live to make anyone other than ourselves happy.

    I don't think running the streets is hurting out race for the simple fact that people should get everything out of their system before the real responsibilities come about ex kids, marriage, etc. If you are doing these things before you handle your business, then your judgement will come into question and a self evaluation is in order.

    Keeping your options open never becomes an extraordinary display of ego because again you should live your life as you see fit. You are only required to make yourself happy. Neither society or statistics should sway you from doing what you want to do.

    You are just you and no one else. I wish more people would just look at themselves instead of trying to point fingers at what's wrong in our community. Start with yourself, then help others that need it.
    My recent post Simple Monday

  3. "What is the cost of having so many of our successful black men not wanting to settle down?"

    We'll end up with a bunch of black spinsters. Its kinda sad. Kinda.

    Real talk… if you "successful" black women really want to get married, go ask the burger flippers at McDees if he'll marry you, and guarantee him half of your money if he ever decides to divorce you. I bet you'll get all the husbandmens you want.

    P.S. The term "successful" is so misleading when used in the context of black upward mobility. Ok, so you didnt go to jail, can speak decent English and maybe a bit of Spanish, got a degree and a job/career making somewhere between $50k and $250k per annum and bought a house? Is this really success? White people and Asians do this all the time.

    Successful to me means Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Bob Johnson, Oprah, Jay-Z, etc. Sure its good to be proud of accomplishing stuff, but can we not toss around the word "success" so lightly? We got black folk graduating from mid tier colleges and going into middle management for 10 years talkin bout they are "successful black men/women". Nigga you average.

    1. "Nigga you average." lmao! Although this made me laugh out loud, we do gotta show respect for brothas who graduate from any college cuz there are a lot more hurdles to overcome for many black men. Trust, If white men had to come up against the same obstacles, they'd want an award for making it out the hood too! lol

  4. I think it is great. Black men need a generation (or two) to get themselves back to normal. I think after this era of successful black man becomes safe, we will see more men getting married.

    But I think Black men are more honest. I know many white men who walk out on families, file for divorce, lead secret gay lives all out of fear that they are ruining an image of success.

    GIve me an honest straight up brotha any day!

    Keep dating until you find the right person. If you never want to marry, then don't do it. Live your life. You have nothing to prove to the "race".

  5. Tariq Nasheed's Message To Black Men

    A must-listen for BM

    I agree that BM need to get their EGO under control for their own personal development.

    But that is a different conversation with a different context.

    BUT DON'T EVER LET NO BUM-AZZ BW or anyone ELSE, tell you that it is nothing for a BM to have his basic sh-t together.

    Black Men have WAY MORE to overcome, than any other group of people. I'll explain upon further inquiry.

    Like Super Bowl Champion TOM BRADY, Black Men accomplish the MOST, with the least HELP.

    And cheating is an American Sport.

    But people act like we all the same. No.

    I like this post. This is some real sh-t, us upwardly mobile brothers of all ages talk about any chance we get.

    Two days ago, I was at Popeye's choppin' it up with a OG BM.

    We talked about VERNON JORDAN (Google him), his time doing Jury Duty & how a older married BW propositioned him to have a passionate affair in the different HOTELS in NYC (he declined for self-preservation.)

    But at the tail-end of the conversation he brought up BLACK WOMEN and their inconsistencies on getting together romantically & wasting a brotha's time.

    I basically told him, that WELFARE (corporate & government) plays a huge factor in how women treat us, because they basically get all their tangible needs met (food, clothing, shelter) from another group of men.

    And as a proper response, keep your option WIDE OPEN. That is why BM need to continue to keep other races of women in their back pocket.

    Since we are against all forms of sexual harassment.

    Black women TO THIS DAY, are HOT & BOTHERED when previously (un)attractive brothas date out,

    But give brothas every incentive to date out due to the JANKY way BW do business romantically.

    PSA: every single one of you BW are on some bullsh-t, you have no leg to stand on about who & where black men go to satiate their sexual/romantic needs.

    So, in conclusion, professional brothas actions or lack of actions are not hurting us much.

    Our issue, is that we don't work together as black males when it comes to BUSINESS. We take the rugged individualism ideology too seriously, and other races are operating as a group & practicing group economic, therefore make significant strides in their community That is all.

    Good Day. I hope that helps.

  6. You know what kills me. Black men always telling this “you didn’t want me when I was broke stories” about some black women who didn’t want him when all he could offer was a 6$ movie and a 2 for one at applebees (Red Robin if you have options). But those white , lation and Asian women you go crazy over didn’t want you either when you were in that predicament. It’s like black men expect us to struggle with them, yet once they get on they start throwing the “options card” out there. Why should black women be required to struggle with you when other races of women don’t have to meet you until you meet the finish line?

    Also just like women mess with bad boys, men mess with bad girls. You can’t tell me there wasn’t one sister on campus that wouldn’t give you a chance.

    1. As far as settling down goes, some women will let the “disparity” scare them, others won’t give a crap because like you brother they have options. Your options aren’t the reason you can’t settle down, what some men fail to realize is, simply being an adult, having a job and being, education and financial stable doesn’t make you an ideal partner, (maybe a h3ll of a back up) but out an amazing partner. Some of you successful men are running the streets because just like college the girl/woman you want does’nt want you back.

      1. Thank you for your comments.

        I was about to close this post and never look back.

        When I read the post, I knew where some commenters were going to go with this topic…ugh!

    2. You know what kills me. Black men always telling this “you didn’t want me when I was broke stories” about some black women who didn’t want him when all he could offer was a 6$ movie and a 2 for one at applebees (Red Robin if you have options).

      Broke =/= Unattractive

      Broke BM be getting it off with predator BW in this society. Doesn't mean the situation is ideal.

      You know the classic BM complaint, which is valid BTW.

      Black men who have the basics handled to be a provider & husband are simply not being chose by BW.

      Especially when the BW is childless & young.

      Then when she is old, with children & damn near worthless, she is looking for a brotha to save her.

      And then when BM date out, we want to pretend that the lack of attention from BW didn't play a part.

      Wow. Talk about the PROPENSITY for DENSITY.

      Now, as far as the "women you want, don't want you back",

      We keep overlooking the fact that, if a black man picks the WRONG woman, he has WAY MORE to lose than a woman who picks the WRONG man.

      I might not be avoid certain types of women because simply because, I don't want my "quality of life" to take a major hit.

      But those white , lation and Asian women you go crazy over didn’t want you either when you were in that predicament.

      This is why I responded. I would agree with you here, but BLACK WOMEN in general are very vocal about their ENTITLEMENT to Black Men (their affections, their tangibles, their male commitment,) & love to talk about where BM fall short.

      Also, BW have a general narrow type of man they go for, so that eliminates a lot of BM from contention.

      Now, BM & other races of women are really not supposed to get together in the first place, therefore, their are no expectations for them.

      They are a welcomed surprised.

      Whereas most BM, expect to deal with BW through thick & thin. Some BW believe this also.

      <> Just like you are not required to date us (BM) in the lean years, that works the same way for us, when we (BM) arrive.

      It is what it is.

      It’s like black men expect us to struggle with them, yet once they get on they start throwing the “options card” out there. Why should black women be required to struggle with you when other races of women don’t have to meet you until you meet the finish line?

      See above

      IMO, if you are a Gabrielle Union, Kerry Washington or a Bria Myles, I understand your reluctance to struggle with anybody.

      But these average mud-duck looking fake diva BW, be demanding red carpet treatment. Some get it though.

      Good Day

      Also just like women mess with bad boys, men mess with bad girls. You can’t tell me there wasn’t one sister on campus that wouldn’t give you a chance.

      This is a bullsh-t argument.

      Women don't approach men in general enough to talk sh-t about the sistas we are overlooking.

      You have to at least proposition us first.
      But I know, rejection is hard.

      1. Adonis ,

        1)You always fall back on this hood rat baby mama stereotype of black women. So it’s very hard to take your argument serious once you get to that point.
        2)It’s funny how average to below average men are allowed to make high quality demands, but only women of a certain physical standard are aloud to make any request at all. The majority of men are average looking / almost mud duckish.
        3)If brothers are allowed to talk about the men women over look everyday, women are allowed to talk about who men over look. Just like some women chase one type of guy, there are definitely men out there all chasing the same type of woman? Black men tend to be just as narrow with their spectrum of what type of black woman they want as some black women are with the type of black men they want to date.

        1. @Smielz_920

          Adonis ,

          1)You always fall back on this hood rat baby mama stereotype of black women. So it’s very hard to take your argument serious once you get to that point.

          Unless you want to admit that 8 out of 10 BW are hoodrats, I would be VERY careful about playing that “we are unfairly stereotyping you” card.

          Fat, attitudinal, slutty, old, never married single mom.

          How many BW fall in those undesirable (for marriage) categories, go ahead & play with the numbers if you feel so inclined.

          A Hoodrat is not a clearly defined woman.

          We know one when we see one, but we have not really made an agreement on what a Hoodrat is, largely because higher quality BW don’t want to alienate their lower quality dusty sisters.

          As soon as we try to define undesirable BW, most BW as a group start screaming.

          So whatever definition you want to roll with when it comes to a lower quality BW, I can place the MAJORITY of BW in that category.

          So, I’ll wait.

          2)It’s funny how average to below average men are allowed to make high quality demands, but only women of a certain physical standard are aloud to make any request at all. The majority of men are average looking / almost mud duckish.

          Looks matter less when dealing with male attractiveness.

          So, yes, FLAVA FLAV can demand whatever he wants if he has certain things in order. We been over this.

          3)If brothers are allowed to talk about the men women over look everyday, women are allowed to talk about who men over look.

          If women approached men in general, then your argument would make more sense.

          Just like some women chase one type of guy, there are definitely men out there all chasing the same type of woman?

          Agreed, however.
          Most black women at least get a chance to reproduce, more often than the average BM. So most BW get chose, it is a matter of quality.

          We’ll talk when women in general start approaching men. Which when the topic is brought up, women get real reluctant.

          Black men tend to be just as narrow with their spectrum of what type of black woman they want as some black women are with the type of black men they want to date.

          The difference is, BM OWN their choices/preferences, right or wrong.

          BW are still blaming BM in general when it didn’t work out with the BM she wanted.

          The Internet and the Black Male Voice has helped BW with personal responsibility a little bit.

          Because your arguments don’t hold up when it hits the light.

        2. The difference is, BM OWN their choices/preferences, right or wrong.

          No they don’t. How many “oo0o the popular black girl didn’t want me, now it’s all black women fault I have a white or other gf/wife”. I’m all about people men and women owning up , but a lot guys who constantly throw around the “black women only want thugs , athletes, or frat boys,” because they only wanted to chase after the particular group of black women who liked those type of guys , aren’t owning up.

        3. @Smielz_920

          You cannot legally force women who don’t want to be with you, right or wrong.

          But it is not wrong to point out the lack of reciprocation certain types of BM get from BW.

          Now, brothas wouldn’t even bring up the IR dating, if BW did not ask why are you with her.

          Black women to this day, care about the minority of BM who date out.

          That needs to change.

          When the conversation is brought up, on-line & off-line.

          There should be little emotional compulsion attached to it.

          Waste of energy

    3. Alot of us weren't really into white women like that until we get older and see how the black community operates. Unfortunately, the black man is disposable in the eyes of the black woman. Good girl, bad girl, educated, non-educated. It's all the same at the end of the day really. Finding a good one out of the pack is very difficult. The good qualities that we possess are seen as wack when the average black woman is young and "average" when she gets older. She will settle for it after she's been through the ringer of the worst type of males on the planet. In other cultures, those aforementioned qualities are seen as assets. Most of the black men who get with white women (which is still a very small percentage) were rejected by black women of all socio economic groups.
      My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

      1. In other cultures, those aforementioned qualities are seen as assets

        Can you give some Examples of qualities BLK women over look, that other cultures don't ?

        1. Prime example is right here in this post. Black women talking about just because you have a car, career, degrees, no kids, etc. doesn't make you a good man. Backwards way of thinking. You're putting down the good qualities that all other cultures hold in high regard. Maybe this is why so many black women go for the absolute worst type of men. To try and separate our people in to groups of "educated" and "ghetto" is an exercise in futility. The same problems present themselves across all socioeconomic borders in the black community. Matter of fact, please take a look at the article below to get some historical clarity on this issue.
          My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

        2. A lot of black women have those qualities, and the first thing a black man will tell her is “that doesn’t make you wife material/ someone I want to be with”. I’m not saying those things aren’t good qualities ( I can see thta), but I feel like some black guys think black women should fall to their feet because they posses those qualities. In other cultures a man better not approach the women in that community if he doesn’t posses those things/qualities. Those things don’t make him good they make him a responsible adult, your character is what makes you good.

          You not having a bunch of kids running around town, a form of transportation and deciding to get off the couch and gain some financial stability are wonderful, but it’s what an adult does. In other cultures those qualities you name are great to have but expected none the least.

        3. You're deflecting onto another issue that is not the same as the issue currently being discussed with that first line. Let's stick to the topic please. You appear to have the mentality of the average african american woman post civil rights era. The qualities I mentioned are not very common amongst african americans and should be looked at with very high regard.

          Go to a place like Haiti. Somalia. Congo. Do you think that type of man would be rejected at all? No. He would be treated like a king by all of the women. Here in bizarro world (the African American community) he gets treated like he's a piece of trash. Disposable. Big reason for that is the nanny state we live in being the optional father/man/provider.

          Other cultures in the United States still understand those simple facts. African Americans as a whole do not.
          My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

        4. "Go to a place like Haiti. Somalia. Congo. Do you think that type of man would be rejected at all? No. He would be treated like a king by all of the women."

          As a Haitian American woman with many family members and friends that were either born or raised in various African countries, I can tell you FIRST HAND that this is false. Trust and believe those men are not taken seriously and are looked at as a stain to their whole family. I wish I would bring a no-good man near my home! bwahahaha

          Where do you get this information from? I guess if you spew out random statements adamantly enough you can get others to believe them as facts, huh? SMH

        5. That's the thing. Character, integrity, responsibility, loyalty, honesty, etc make a good man, or a good person, period. I wouldn't want my brother or any of the men in my life coming home with a women that lies, cheats, and uses him, just like I don't keep such males like that in my life.

          The good men, just like all the good people I know, get the utmost respect from me. I put them in their place when they're wrong, push them when they could do better, and celebrate when they're winning. They do the same for me.

          But from reading these comments it seems as if many of the men are equating being a "good man" as someone that has a job, a degree, a car, 1 child or less, and other superficial things as something that they should be exalted for and not as what should be the standard as an adult. THAT is where the ego comes in, and to me it is always extremely unattractive. It's a clear sign for me to run away.

          The ironic thing is that like attracts like. Too many men that I personally know that didn't check their egos in time were left with women that didn't check theirs either. :/

        6. Don't understand why so many of you equate positive qualities in a male with an underlying tone of negative energy. I don't get it. Like … since I am a college educated person that has never been to jail … for some reason that makes me a monster of a person? Doesn't make sense. Again… go to any third world country. A guy that overcomes his surroundings to become successful in life is not a pariah. He is treated like a king.
          My recent post MAN SURVIVES THREE DAYS AT THE BOTTOM OF ATLANTIC OCEAN

        7. Those are great things to have, but materials do not make you better than people. I wish I would walk around thinking i'm the coldest chick alive cause I have no kids, MBA and all these other things. These are things that make you more attractive. But if you speak down to me, and treat me like crap, I'm supposed to be like, "well he is degreed and has no kids. You are not a monster because you excel, the issue is materials does not necessarily equal a good man.

        8. As a Haitian American man with many family members born and raised in Haiti, I can tell you first hand that a young man with a job, degrees, a car, and no kids would ABSOLUTELY be treated like a king. Don't mix the futile dating mentality of Black American women with that of African/Carribean women. Women from traditional African/Carribean backgrounds have a better grip on the dating game and know how to properly evaluate men for dating and marriage purposes.

        9. As a single educated woman dating a single educated, childless "good" man, I was attracted by other qualities. Even though he's a "good" man, he is actually a good person because he loves me and treats me with kindness and respect. He's funny, humble, helpful, AND he's quite good looking. 🙂 He has never flaunted his status as a "good" man. He has never used that as a carrot to dangle over my head, like he should be on a pedestal.

          I used to date (not seriously) a "good" man. He had the education, the job, the bachelor life with no children. But he was an ass. And he said pretty directly in words that I should deal with the attitude because of the high demand for "men" like him. After the words were muttered, I promptly hung up the phone, never to speak to him again.

          I just don't think a person should be EXALTED for the things we're supposed to do or be.

        10. you're wrong to assume that's everyone in the "black community". these are the people YOU know and associate with (which is clear from a lot of your comments – i'm a lurker). i don't know anyone in my environment who acts this way, and would venture to say that there are many who would agree with me. expand your mind and your circle my friend.

        11. "lack women talking about just because you have a car, career, degrees, no kids, etc. doesn't make you a good man. Backwards way of thinking."

          There was a previous post that said that about women. Because we think we have those material things doesn't make us a good woman. True enough I think as a man/women these things should be something we all strive but if i have all those characteristics that you stated above but yet I'm avid cheater, or i disrespect my man, that doesn't make me a good woman. If you are a man who is a womanizer but you have those characteristics above that doesn't make you a good man. At least not enough to say yea I think you are relationship material.
          My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

        12. "lack women talking about just because you have a car, career, degrees, no kids, etc. doesn't make you a good man. Backwards way of thinking."

          There was a previous post that said that about women. Because we think we have those material things doesn't make us a good woman. True enough I think as a man/women these things should be something we all strive but if i have all those characteristics that you stated above but yet I'm avid cheater, or i disrespect my man, that doesn't make me a good woman. If you are a man who is a womanizer but you have those characteristics above that doesn't make you a good man. At least not enough to say yea I think you are relationship material.
          My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

        13. That is a different topic altogether. To address it quickly, alot of african american women raised in homes without fathers grow up being raised like men. They come out here and have the drive of a successful man and achieve certain things. Then once they get to be in their 30's and want kids then they try and act as a woman but still want to be the man at the same time. A power struggle ensues and nothing productive comes of it. So that may be why you get negative feedback for women with that type of background.
          My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

        14. How can a female raised in a house WITHOUT a man grow up being raised like a man? and what exactly is being raised like a man?

          I'm not being a smartass I'd really like to hear this one.

        15. In the absence of a man in the home, a void is created. The mother tries to fill it herself and raises her daughter the same way. She goes to the workplace and learns things from the men she sees in action at work and brings that home to her daughter. Or what happens is the daughter attempts to fill the void herself because her mother won't. She might get involved with sports, deep into after school activities while her mom is at the crib being totally domestic. In either case … what you are left with is a woman with more masculine qualities than feminine. Which would explain all of the woman comparing themselves to men.
          My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

        16. So the more I think about this – the more I am intrigued…since you are so well versed on how being raised by single mothers is harmful to the black woman…what does it do the black man? Are men raised by single mothers as insufficient in their manliness? are they more feminine than masculine?

        17. Not to speak in absolutes … but what you see happen to the men is that they become mentally weak and (sometimes) physically strong. They rely on raw unregulated emotion to dictate what they think.

          That can manifest itself as hyper masculinity (he beats his woman down, does brainless things like shoot into a club, etc) … or it can manifest itself as the man being very intelligent but his decision making skills are also based on emotions. Usually comes off feminine. Tries to become his mother. He relies on women to help him make decisions and/or other men like a preacher.

          The woman with a pseudo male mentality and the brainless goon/ sensitive savior go together like peanut butter and jelly. Since these type of people are so very common in the black community, they can poison those around them who may not necessarily fit into those categories. The guy with the good qualities is seen as wack and the woman with the good qualities must be in hiding away from the bizarro people … because I don't know where she at!
          My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

        18. Being raised to function without a man, versus being raised to obliterate a man's role are not the same, some women have just taken it a bit further than it should be. You can be successful and still allow a your man to be a man. Just because I want to be a VP in corporate America doesn't mean that I negate everything he has done. I was raised in a single woman home, and my mother did raise me to be able to take care of myself and to strive for more. However, I do believe a man who is my husband and worthy should lead.
          My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

        19. That's the issue with people in general. They can't change. We as people need to be open to change. If you can't be fluid in life, your ideas, your thought process, you are screwed. Different scenarios call for different thought processes. 1. I do not believe while i wait for a man that i should just be sitting around knitting, doing hula hoops, or whatever women are supposed to do. I believe that I should be working on myself getting which includes learning how to run a household (because essential thats what women will do cook, clean, raise kids, make sure her husband is supported etc), learning how to balance money, learning tools that will help me grow as a person. In the work place you and I both know being a pushover doesn't get you anywhere, and if I have to be a 'man' to get paid more, I don't see why that is an issue. You submit to your husband not that jerk at work. Now when I get a man, and he's worth that submission he gets it. A good man isn't trying to squash your dreams, he doesn't want to rule you with his thumb, he doesn't want you to disappear and only speak when spoken to. He is confident in knowing he is still the man regardless if i make 2x times as much. There are emotions, care, and other things that men and women both need from each other that we cannot provide by ourselves. Hell, regardless of how men think women are so disposable, they still want that love, talk, emotion and those things that women give because they like FWBs versus just going to a wh*rehouse. Now they may want it from multiple women, but they still want it. In the house he is still the head of it, he will have the final say so in decisions. He shouldn't be berated, he will be supported no matter what. In today's day and age, women do not have the luxury to just be "women" and survive. You don't want us to have babies left and right and rely on the government but when we want to have our own and create a legacy to combine with our man, we are being too manly. I guess the better question is What do you think the man's role is in a relationship? What do you expect from that woman?
          My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

      2. The irony of this idea that BM would turn to other women because of being rejected by BW is that if you go read men's rights' movement blogs, or the "manosphere" more generally, all those white guys can't stop talking about how evil women (white women) are. Then, there's an article about the Chinese guy killing himself and a bunch of commenters talking about how greedy Chinese women are becoming.

        This idea that a man's problem is "black women" is just really unsupportable. And some find out soon enough that people are people and women are women, and more likely than not, they are a part of the problem. BM/WW marriages are more likely to divorce than any other racial pairing.

  7. I think the real reason some successful black men don't settle down and still "run the streets" is simply: The number of available options affords that man the opportunity to do so. One thing I think women need to understand and some men need to realize, is actually some men STRUGGLE with this including the men that have yet to realize they struggle with it. Some want to settle down or may begin to think about doing only to find themselves back at square one. Honestly, it’s hard when you have one beautiful woman and then another one or two a phone call away and these women are satisfied at the current moment playing the particular roles they play in your life. How can a man consider marriage when his life consists of such?

  8. 75% of black children are born out of wedlock. If your parents not being married means you have a lower chance of being successful, then there's no doubt that black people are at a disadvantage.

    But let's take a look at white people, Asians and Indians. Their "pool" of potential mates is considerably larger than any in the African-American community (statistics eliminate those in jail, poor or uneducated from the running), and yet they start settling down as young as 22 and 23. Why? Because they realize that settling down isn't about finding a "soul mate"– that's a stupid idea perpetuated by Hollywood– it's about growing up.

    As a black man who isn't afraid to be the contrarian, I can frankly say that a lot of my brothers look stupid still "playing the field." You're 33, why are you still at a college party, yukking it up with the neos (yes, I'm in a fraternity). Why are you having babies all over the place? And then you wonder why your income isn't the same as your white counterparts… 18% in child support here, another 18% there, and you're living at a much lower standard than you intended.

    TL;DR: There's nothing wrong with dating different women and finding what you like. But after a while if you still feel you can't find the right one, the problem isn't them, it's you.

    1. Because they realize that settling down isn't about finding a "soul mate"– that's a stupid idea perpetuated by Hollywood– it's about growing up.

      good point.

    2. I actually don't believe settling down and getting married will improve your standard of living by much. In fact, you're gonna have less to spend on yourself and more to spend on your new responsibilities (wife, chaps, bigger car, bigger house, less risk taking).

      The only drawback you really listed to playing the field forever is accumulating child support. But if you're smart enough to realize that marriage is a sham, you should be smart enough to avoid getting a chick pregnant, or at least smart enough to mess with chicks who dont want babies. Unless you're marrying into wealth, you'll have MORE money and opportunities by remaining single and childless.

    3. Love this response, every ethnicity I know understands the role of family and how instrumental it is in shaping economics and increasing the benefits for the next generation . Most people (Asian, european, middle eastern, etc.) play around when they're young or in college, but know their responsibility to find a good wife, and procreate by their 30s. We as black folks (excluding most non-american blacks) still think it’s our God given right to play the field and have fun. We still think it’s all about 'me' and that our own actions don't affect the group as a whole. And we wonder why we're always at the bottom of the economic pile when we dilute our resources (both time and money)not to mention the psychological affects it carries on our children. As a BW in NYC many brothers try to run this idea that I should be so lucky because they are an endangered species. Finding a successful college educated BM is not all that hard in NYC. Plus, we (BW) should be open to dating men of any ethnicity. Hey, my thinking is if BM don’t think we’re worth it hey -other men will and you probably wouldn’t have to deal with all the other BS that comes with dating BM. And two last points on BM knowing about their options. One, your ‘options’ know and take full advantage of the fact ya’ll get excited about dating a non-black woman. And two, the same people you meet on your way up, you’ll meet on your way down. Right now black men are hot for other women to date, but like any fad, something else will come along that’s hotter. Good luck on dealing with the black women who you’ve ostracized because you didn’t think they were worth it.

      1. No worries. It's a land of plenty for you, and you think that dating Black men is too much trouble. Sounds like sistas of your type will be better off not feeling "ostracized" by common-enough type brothas–whom you owe nothing. But you could spare us the sermonizing and advice.

        1. I don't think dating black men is too much trouble. I think dating black men with a certain mentality is too much trouble.When I come across BM with this mentality, I know to keep it moving, as there are plenty of BM who believe in marriage and family and don't have these issues. Maybe its because I grew up outside this country where men and women settled down, got married and raised families and that was the norm, that was how you made it better for the next generation so that's what I expect progressive adults to aspire to. AND for every BM who thinks dating non-BW is an ideal, I meet lots of brothers who thinks I, a BW, am his ideal. So why worry about a population of men who aren't really worrying about me.

    4. FINALLY…A black man talking some sense. I have said the exact same thing. I'm a single 30 year-old black woman, and I do not mind people our age dating to see what they like, but it is REALLY frustrating to find people our age "playing the field" as a game of how many folks they can get into their bed. Far more men do this than women–especially at my age, and that is where many black women have emotions that range from despair to anger. It is so ignorant to count how many women you can bed as opposed to finding one quality woman and truly building a functional, happy, successful life together–creating a team. Options are fine, but how is being a male whore with a 3-piece suit on helping anybody. You are violating your own body and hurting many expectant women in the process. It is truly frustrating. I try not be an angry black woman, but it's hard when you are trying to be an adult, and you seemingly have no adults to date…This is why I tell black women to expand their options to dating outside of the race, though. There are good men of all races out there. If you limit your options to black men, you may never find a meaningful relationship. There are just not enough eligible ones out there.

  9. Men in general, not just Black men, have more to lose if everything falls apart in their marriag or long-term relationship.____A huge fear of mine is paying someone else alimony for the remainder of my natural life or paying an additional child-support check for a child I already support.____Such issues make me not want to settle down. ____I have recently heard cases of judges who forced men to pay child-support for children they did NOT father. What in the unholy hell type of s*** is that??____Simply put, men come up losing and women come up losing if LTRs fall apart! ____I think a lot of women miss this point. And please spare me the talk of, "But, if it's love it'll stay together talk.."____Let's be REAL, 50 percent of marriages fall apart in this nation!____

    1. Sooo… what of getting to know a person?! Real conversation, courtship, engagements with marriage counseling? Intimacy without the sex, have you had that? Can person really fake the funk through all that? Or have we as a generation gotten too impatient and jaded?

  10. "What is the cost of having so many of our successful black men not wanting to settle down?"

    Delayed marriage. Potentially out-of-wedlock children.

    "Is “running the streets” hurting the race?"

    Not necessarily for "successful" black men. Marriages are delayed, but are still happening.

    "At what point does “keeping my options open” becomes an extraordinary display of ego?"

    Depends on how long you're keeping your options open. When BM graduate, it's like hitting the reset button on your dating life, because you suddenly have more (and usually better) options (in theory). That would boost any man's ego.

    However, it's one thing to play the field after you become more attractive to the opposite sex. It's another when you're still feeding your ego in your late 30s and 40s. It shouldn't take that long for your increased level of attractiveness to get you a decent woman.

        1. Men get old and wrinkly too. It's sad when I see old men w/ one pant leg rolled up and a throwback jersey on tryna holla at the young women. Young women dont want somebody who's been used up either, just sayin………..

        2. Sad to who? lol. I bet that man is happy as can be with his young conquests, and personal happiness is what living for yourself is all about.

          We shouldnt base our lives on what other people find acceptable.

          To that man, I give the nod. Play on, old playa. Play on.

  11. Wow. Alot of Shallowness going on here. Great Article by the way. I am glad that the author is at least seeking Introspection about where he is at in his life. The comments toward women of color are so off based it is sad that some do not see our worth and further validates for me, why seeking a mate elsewhere just might be the answer. Our black men seem to loathe us. smh

  12. What is the cost of having so many of our successful black men not wanting to settle down?
    It depends. I think we have to address why the profile of a black man not wanting to settle down is because he has unlimited options or wants to "run the streets." There are several who are just not ready for marriage at this point in their life because they're focused on other positive things.

    Is “running the streets” hurting the race?
    I don't run the streets so I wouldn't know.

    At what point does “keeping my options open” becomes an extraordinary display of ego?
    Nobody can tell you when you need to close your options. Every aspect of our life tells us to keep our options open; you can be rich or poor, you can be a doctor or an athlete or neither. You have choices in life and choices are a big part about freedom. Sometimes, "keeping my options open" isn't malicious at all. It's simply keeping your options open.

    Or am I just the old man talking that bullsh*?
    Yes.

  13. I think the issue is just biology. When I (successful bw) finished school and started working I was playing the field just like my brothers were doing. I was dating, traveling, partying, etc. but then I hit 30 and remembered that I (as a woman) have an expiration date for my happily ever after that my brothers do not. I think b/c men don't have that expiration date – they don't feel as pressed to "settle down" in a timely manner. Add in the fact that the older we get the more "desirable" men become while women are treated like damaged goods as we age. A 32 yr old SBM, no kids, good job, etc. – people treat him like a rare commodity. 32 yr old woman in the same space – people think something is "wrong" with her for not having been picked yet, or at least knocked once or twice.

    Quite frankly I don't think there is any major cost of this "trend" to our society. Black folks haven't been great at marriage and creating stable households for quite some time now but still we seem to make it. I'm 32 and I think over the course of my life I've know one person who grew up in a household with BOTH parents. Our people have mastered furthering our race without "traditional" family dynamics and this too shall pass.

    As for the ego thing – it seems that's what the entire post is about…EGO. That certain "Good Black Men" believe they have earned the right to play the field b/c they accomplished whatever. I find that these "good" Black men think they deserve a medal for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do b/c so many others in they circle lack to even do that much. You went to college, got a job, maintain your household and didn't have children out of wedlock and you think you are God's gift. Guess what dude I did the same exact thing….so what makes YOU more worthy of anything than me?

    1. @IPoet

      Your "job" is really to use your god given looks & relationship intangibles to secure the best male to commit.

      You doing male things like accomplishing things is null & void.

      Black Men who this despite the odds are WAY more valuable & impressive.

      Good Day

      1. You doing male things like accomplishing things is null & void.

        But undermining what she did is okay? How can we on one hand say we want women to be supportive of men but then in the same breath we just kick their accomplishments to the curb. "It's easier for bw than a bm to get a degree." I agree with that, but it still takes work and dedication and focus to obtain those degrees especially when she's separating herself from these "hoodrats" that you speak of by educating herself. Furthermore, a lot of men these days are looking for women who have an education, her own things, and other stuff in addition to looking good and having relationship intangibles. Accomplishment does not belong to the male species.
        My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

      2. You doing male things like accomplishing things is null & void.

        But undermining what she did is okay? How can we on one hand say we want women to be supportive of men but then in the same breath we just kick their accomplishments to the curb. "It's easier for bw than a bm to get a degree." I agree with that, but it still takes work and dedication and focus to obtain those degrees especially when she's separating herself from these "hoodrats" that you speak of by educating herself. Furthermore, a lot of men these days are looking for women who have an education, her own things, and other stuff in addition to looking good and having relationship intangibles. Accomplishment does not belong to the male species.
        My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

        1. That's a shame. What are we raising our daughters to be? Wait on a man to save you? Education, being able to provide for self isn't that important? I would think you want someone to hustle just like you. Accomplishments can tell the different between someone that is driven versus someone who just doing enough to get by. I'm sure worrying about that a** and face she has had lead plenty of men to happy wedded endings. (S/N no it hasn't)
          My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

        2. Honestly, maybe the guys he knows and deals with don't care, but that is NOT everywhere. I lived in the DMV long enough to know better.

        3. For the past 50 years in america it seems like we have been raising our daughters to be men. lol

          "work! make dat money! dont depend on anyone!"

          Whats the justification of wanting someone that has hustle like I do? In what world is that an attractive quality? Its not a BAD quality, but what makes it attractive? If i have hustle, her hustle is just redundant. I need her to provide something I cant/dont, like babies and shit.

        4. Why not? If something happens to you, and you can't work, then what? Rely on the government to take care of us? I mean for you to think men are invincible is hubris. The past 50 years women needed to learn "men characteristics" ( i don't believe in that bull). What are we supposed to do until we meet you? How are we to survive and excel? I will submit to my husband all day long, but i'm not submitting to my coworker so he can advance and i just sit there because i'm a woman. Today's world where people are having children and when the middle class is disappearing and where it's difficult to survive on just one salary, is where that quality is attractive. Now if you want to be a sugar daddy, by all means, let me give you my number and you can spend all your dollars on me while i keep mine. We are your back bone, we help support you. We help move you. We help you, and I suppose as a man matures, he realizes this.
          My recent post You owe me: Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make him a bad man

        5. "Rely on the government to take care of us?"
          Yes, thats currently what happens anyway.

          "What are we supposed to do until we meet you?"
          Live at home or off the government.

          You're missing the point– women are attracted to men who have more money/success/power than them, and men are attracted to youth and beauty. Career-oriented women are self-sabotaging themselves from both ends by making it less likely to find a man that meets their standards and by squandering their youth. You can be useful and supportive without foolishly pricing yourself out of the market.

          Women have their priorities all kinds of jacked up. lol. You can be an educated career-women/provider if you want– just get a husband and raise your kids FIRST.

        6. Wow! This is what's wrong with some of our male/female relations. You guys want women to just sit around and wait for ya'll to finish running through every chick then we live under your thumbs. That is attractive, but as a woman you do realize that sometimes that may not be the case. If a man can't be happy for a woman who has worked to get that high then that's an issue with himself not her. If she isn't holding it over his head, and beating him left to right with it, then she can still be a wife. As we always read men are the hunters, so getting a husband isn't something that I can just make happen. Timing has to be right all the way around. I do agree that standards need to be changed to something feasible but I do not believe you are self sabotaging because you want to advance. Wow, thank Goodness for women's rights.

        7. "You guys want women to just sit around and wait for ya'll to finish running through every chick then we live under your thumbs."

          Just like y'all women want men to marry y'all after you've had your fun with Tyrone, Pookie, Ray-Ray, and Jamal. Some of y'all don't even have the decency to make sure you're still childless.

          Nigga please.

      3. Question: For men who are so quick to claim that men take on such a great risk settling down (spousal/ child support/ etc.), woudln't it make since to be with someone who has her own career and money and minimize that risk? If she makes as much, close to, or more than you, she's not going to be seeking half of your stuff in the event of a divorce.

        I know men dont' value professional accomplishments/weath as much as women do (it is what it is), but declaring a woman's accomplishments null and void seems silly and backward.

        1. Yes, that calculation does make sense. Speaking for myself, I wouldn't consider committing to a woman that's not roughly at least on my SES level. But I realize I'm somewhat of an outlier among men in this regard.

          The catch is that many career-oriented women either want to stop working after having kids or don't prioritize having kids. Another catch is that women generally don't want to commit to a man with less earning potential than she has; and even if she does commit to such a man, she's more likely to resent it and/or to think she therefore should dominate the household.

          Many women misunderstand the sense in which men claim they don't care about a woman's "accomplishments." Men usually mean that those accomplishments don't make a woman much more romantically/s-xually attractive to them. So a woman's accomplishments are a secondary factor–after her feminine, long-term suitability and compatibility as a mate.

          In short, a woman's "accomplishments" are not the best route to a man's heart and commitment, which is why men get tired of hearing women champion those accomplishments. Serious men aren't "intimidated" by accomplished women–and women who believe that signal that they deeply misunderstand men or have been dealing with the wrong type.

        2. not true. the same problems present themselves in the african american community across all socio economic lines. the woman with the career with can be just as vindictive as the woman without one. even if what you say is true, then by those some metrics you have to agree that she will be more likely to leave a man if she feels unhappy or unsatisfied. she has her own everything. so to hell with going to a marriage counselor and working it out. she can just keep on moving forward with her own everything and easily discard the man.
          My recent post MAN SURVIVES THREE DAYS AT THE BOTTOM OF ATLANTIC OCEAN

        3. Were you responding to me? If so, a blanket "not true" won't do. If not, never mind what follows.

          I wasn't limiting my discussion to the Black "community."

          I didn't say or imply anything about "vindictive" women. Of course women across the SES spectrum can be vindictive. The rational calculation, though, is that in case of a split (the chances are even higher for Black couples), a man won't be nearly as financially vulnerable if his ex makes roughly as much or more than he does. Otherwise, "frivorce" is actually incentivized. (See "NoWmnShldEvrBeBroke," 2 hours ago in these very comments, for how this works.)

          The goal isn't to prevent a very unsatisfied woman from leaving: the goal is to not get financially screwed if she leaves. (By the time a "marriage counselor" enters the scene, it's usually over.) Her "moving forward with her own everything"–and not also with half of the man's–is a very good (and unusual) result for him, under the circumstances.

          So: unless a man is very wealthy, and thus can easily afford the real financial risk, the smart play is to avoid taking on a female financial dependent (unless she's your daughter or mother).

          I hope this clarifies things.

    2. Nah, sperm has an expiration date these days. The last I read, they were trying to link autism and some other genetic disorders to old dudes fathering kids.

        1. I agree with the eggs thing. It is not only just the freezing, but the whole process to get you ready for insemination. Crazy.

          But seriously, older fathers have been linked to the development of autism and schizophrenia. Not a joke. I think a lot of guys play on that whole, I can sow my oats for forever because of SPERM. Technology is slowly debunking that ish. But thanks for trying to interject some sanity into this comment section.

  14. Men wanting multiple women around isn't a new thing, it's been going on since before they made it illegal. Dudes are capable of it so we do it.

  15. I don't think its a cost. I live a decent lifestyle but if I'm the hero Gotham needs, we seriously got a problem. I'm not where I aspire to be yet and I'm very self aware, my peers…not so much. Brothas love to grade themselves on a curve, they move out the hood, no kids out of wedlock, make a decent salary and think they run ish.

    It's easy to tell the girl at home with 2 retail jobs that "you're not ready to settle down", a woman on your level or higher is going to hold you accountable. The girl who works at McDonalds is down to move in with you, cook/clean and maybe pay a cable bill, the woman with the masters has her own and won't move in without the ring.

    My point is, these "successful" men aren't afraid to settle down, they are basking in the glow that is the aint sh tness of their peers. They are the dude who never made it to the league but everyone in the Y calls him Jordan.

    My recent post Today’s Word is… BLACK

    1. They are the dude who never made it to the league but everyone in the Y calls him Jordan.

      Explains 90 percent of this post. Just let the BM enjoy his shine,

    2. the woman with the masters has her own and won't move in without the ring.

      Surely you are not serious. A woman with a Master's is no different than any other woman unless she is cooking, cleaning and cooperative. A woman's master degree does not make her a better catch than a woman who does not have one, if that is the case why aren't all these "degreed" women married? Whenever you hear a man praising his woman, you never hear him talk about how she was so excellent and wonderful because she sat in a classroom for four years.

      And the moment I saw your profile picture(male) and you had 20 plus thumbs up, I knew this was a simpish comment.

      You wrote "the woman with the masters has her own and won't move in without the ring".

      As if men are just lobbying to have a woman move in with him, this comment was tailored to make these ignorant women feel good.

      1. Surely you must of realize it was merely an example, my point being that most of these successful men playing the field are juggling 2s and 3s, not just in looks but in stature, hood rats are impressed by a job and a car, women of quality are used to it.

        I wish yall he man woman haters would expand yall vocabulary beyond calling everyone who isn’t bitter simps or pandering…perspective, get you some

        1. Still doesn’t take away the fact that your comment further enables women to use heir degrees and “accomplishments” to boast about themselves when a lot of them are merely over compensating for the lack of genuine feminine nature. I appreciate your perspective but a spade’s a spade. As long as men keep defending women for these actions, expect more of the same.

        2. Seeing as though not everyone woman has these things that she "boast" about I think it's a pretty good accomplishment. He's not excusing anything with his quote, he's wants respect because he deserves. He's acknowledging there are issues with some women like this, but what material things he has doesn't make him that deal off rip. If a woman is beating you over the head with her accomplishments and making you feel small, then yes she's a jerk, just like a man would be. I think people should be proud of what they have achieved because it takes work and it's easier for someone to be content with everyday life instead of wanting more.
          My recent post P*ssy Control: The Power is in the P*ssy

        3. Instead of merely name-calling and cursing through this comment board, why don't you please provide a reason for your stance or at least advance an argument in its favor?

          But girls on here swear it's the men attacking them…

        4. i think we're on the same page, just not quite. There's appreciation and there's adulation, there's accepting and settling, accountability and there's lack of self esteem. i'm damn proud of everything i have overcome and accomplished and i do expect to be acknowledged on those merits.

          However, where we seem to split is that I'm also aware that i'm not where i want to be and any woman who is content on settling for less is not for me. I want a woman who has her own sh t together but knows when to defer, one who respects me because I COMMAND it not because I have a bunch of sh t she doesn't. You look at most power players today, their woman is someone who's been there from day 1 or been there before.
          My recent post Today’s Word is… GIFTS

        5. most of these successful men playing the field are juggling 2s and 3s, not just in looks but in stature, hood rats are impressed by a job and a car, women of quality are used to it.

          Wrong again, "educated" women get played just as much if not more than the so-called hoodrats. Again the question is why aren't all these women of quality married?

          A man doesn't to have to hate women to be critical of their foolishness. But YOU ABSOLUTELY have to be a simp to defend it.

        6. Your logic is still very much flawed, me saying that women who know better aren't as distracted by a job and car is no different from saying that men who know better aren't as distracted by a fat a** and titties, the sentiment being , the more one brings to the table the more they expect in return.

          To answer your irrelevant question, why quality women aren't married is no different why quality men aren't married, they aren't just going to settle for anybody.
          My recent post Today’s Word is… GIFTS

  16. "What is the cost of having so many of our successful black men not wanting to settle down?"

    More single black women to go around, therefore giving successful black men more options, which in turn reinforces their decision to stay single.

    "Is “running the streets” hurting the race?"

    As someone said in the comments above, marriages are delayed but are still happening. Keep in mind that men of all races are delaying marriage, not just black men. In fact I was just watching a report that the birthrate in Japan in so low that the population is actually declining, because the men don't want to be bothered with marriage and children.

    "At what point does “keeping my options open” becomes an extraordinary display of ego?"

    It depends on why you're keeping your options open I guess. Anything a man does can be an "extraordinary display of ego", from hedonically chasing multiple women to spending a foolish amount of money on an engagement ring to impress one woman. It's all has to do with his reasons.

  17. Why do so-called succesful black men have to keep saying they have oh-so-many-options? It starts to seem like propaganda when it's repeated as often as it is on this site. Why do you feel like shouting it from the rooftops? Unless a) you actually don't have that many options or b) you actually don't WANT or, gasp, NEED that many options. Sleeping around gets old. Just like you.

    1. Sleeping around gets old?

      Professionals only retire AFTER they have peaked. Why retire at the top? If you are old and still putting up superstar numbers, why retire at all? Mayweather is still fighting. Jayz is still rapping. Oprah is still oprah-ing.

      "Sleeping around gets old" is the same kind of argument you give when you CANT perform at the level you used to. You quit when you can no longer win, and you rationalize to save face– "its a stoopid game anyway!" "i'm tired of playing" "i want to do something else with my life".

  18. Great article, and I appreciate that the author took time to be open about his experiences. With that said, what I see in these comments is a lot of generalizations based on fear, inflated sense of entitlement (men and women alike), and hurt. And it almost pisses me off, because those of us who DO value black men are penalized for doing so on BOTH sides. Criticized by our sisters for being "loyal to those who aren't to us," and told "hoodrat we don't want you" by our brothers. I do not see this hatred in any other cultural group. We criticize each other for everything; having kids, not having enough money, making too much money, being too old as if our clocks stand still, not looking like Gabriel or Idris……….it's crazy. All because we have not been taught to deal with emotion and pain properly. I think I will go back to my little corner of the world, where black men and women are loved and valued in spite of personal past hurts and experiences.

    My recent post You’re My Everything: God, and the Robert Glasper Experiment

  19. Women have fun with badboys n than want nice guys to commit. Nice guys have fun after 30 bc women loose there looks n want a baby. A nice guy who couldn’t get a date now has women chasing him after a long dry spell. Y would he settle. Women can’t have it all. Sleep there best years with jerks n once they r saggy they expect nice guys to marry them right away. Most women dont have a personality but just an ego boost due to male attn from an early age

        1. Don't think so. Those are just people we all know as a group. If i say jackie down the way, angela upstairs, my aunt pam no one would know those people. So you use people that we are aware.

        2. woman, it's a pure scientific-biological fact that women's looks fade as they age.

          women like Stacy Dash and Nia Long are not exempt from this reality. they are just in a better position to hide/delay this reality in their cases because they're rich and are able to invest more in make-up and maintenance. but even still, almost every man would prefer their 20-something y/o version of either of them over them now (if we're basing this purely on looks).

          stop the bullshit.

  20. I believe women dont want to hear that from the age of 16-27 they can get a date without having a personality. Women have more dating experience than men since most men r not that picky when getting a number or date. 80% women from age 16-27 have fun with the confident natural charming 20% of the men population. The women who have a personality end up getting married bc they know they have a personality n r original. Now the women who r not married after the age of 25 n had there fun want to settle down with a nice guy. Problem is the nice guy was rejected his whole life. The nice guy at 30 finally has hit the jackpot bc he has the brains n the wealth. Now at 30 he gets female attention. Y wouldn’t he be allowed to enjoy? It’s like telling women to marry at there peak which is 18. Women have fun at there peak age but dont want men to have the same . Now women after 30 need a personality, dating books, social skills, seduction skills, confidence to keep a man. If woman at there peak age of 18 married a nice black guy who is getting a degree, we wouldn’t have this mess

  21. I believe women dont want to hear that from the age of 16-27 they can get a date without having a personality. Women have more dating experience than men since most men r not that picky when getting a number or date. 80% women from age 16-27 have fun with the confident natural charming 20% of the men population. The women who have a personality end up getting married bc they know they have a personality n r original. Now the women who r not married after the age of 25 n had there fun want to settle down with a nice guy. Problem is the nice guy was rejected his whole life. The nice guy at 30 finally has hit the jackpot bc he has the brains n the wealth. Now at 30 he gets female attention. Y wouldn’t he be allowed to enjoy? It’s like telling women to marry at there peak which is 18. Women have fun at there peak age but dont want men to have the same . Now women after 30 need a personality, dating books, social skills, seduction skills, confidence to keep a man. If woman at there peak age of 18 married a nice black guy who is getting a degree, we wouldn’t have this mess…

    1. I agree with all of this.

      Sometimes it seems like women get confused, sad, frustrated and maybe a bit jealous that the movie is ending for them right as its beginning for men. And most young men have a similar frustration about not being able to lock down the baddest chicks and having to settle for mid-tier girls. Some even panic and get married, falsely believing that the odds will just get worse and worse. lol

      The important takeaway is that:
      Women are highly desired from 16 – 27
      Men are highly desired from 30 – 50+

      Once you accept the fact that you will get wet, the rain will not perplex you. We just need to educate more men and women about the facts so they can plan their lives accordingly.

    2. This is such an unfair way to color this debate…

      Every single black woman over 30 hasn't spent her life chasing ballers and ignoring the nice guy. AND every single black man over 30 was NOT Mr. Nice Guy Introvert his whole life. At the end of the day – those who are married (both men & women) are people who FOUND someone they could marry and committed to taking that step together.

      Furthermore I don't know too many men who were in my peer group (HS, college, graduate school) who were trying to get married at 18-25. You sir just sound like that guy who was lame his whole life and you finally getting a little attention so you wanna run with LMAO but you're right you've finally hit your peak – so rock out with your…. LMAO

      1. "Furthermore I don't know too many men who were in my peer group (HS, college, graduate school) who were trying to get married at 18-25."

        It's difficulty/damn near impossible for a man to get married at 18-25 when most women in that age group are screwing around with thugs/athletes/drug-dealers/pretty-boy players. And if that's not the case, women 18-25 are so into themselves and their books that they're not trying to date. So why try to get married when you'll be utterly disappointed.

  22. To be honest I get pleasure from that revenge factor as well. Women especially if your attractive get attention since grade school and if your a man unless you were an decent athlete or a pretty boy you didn't get a lot of attention through high school and college either. As a man probably looked as an average guy with some potential but nothing special but mainly overlooked. I think everybody gets their day in the sun so I don't have a problem with a man throwing it in black women's faces. It was great when women were getting all the attention, picking whatever guys they wanted to date and using their looks to do it during the ages of 18-25, yet when the roles are reversed and men get that shine we are considered bitter, self centered and egotistical?

    1. So every woman was bombarded by attention since grade school? Bwhahaha ok!

      True Story:

      A few years ago I was in a serious car accident. I was in the hospital for a month, had physical therapy for almost two years, completely lost my car, left my job because I couldn't handle the stress of rehabbing and working at the same time, etc. The guy who hit me walked away (literally) unscathed. Today I'm in the best health that I've ever been in, have a much better job, nicer car, and got a big fat settlement from my case.

      Now when I get in my car do I try to run over everyone that's in a vehicle? No because 1) I'm mature enough to know that the bastard that hit me isn't in every car, and 2) though the instant gratification of revenge might feel good for a while, there will always be repercussions that I wouldn't be prepared for. Plus I rather actually live the life that I worked hard to improve instead of wasting it on ONE PERSON who wouldn't fit into it anyway.

      It's ridiculous for men (people really) to be holding lifelong grudges for an assumed rejection and take it out on every woman you run into.

      1. consequences of running someone over= jail, lawsuit, guilt
        consequences of running thru dees hoes= improved health, greater confidence, more sex

        its ridiculous to let other people's self-righteous opinions dictate what steps you take to achieve personal happiness.

        1. Improved health for running "thru hoes"? you sound like the idiot that you probably are. Go get and HIV test you idiot!!!

  23. I am not sure if Amaris commented, but I have to steal her phrase.

    Bitter Brians. There are a lot of bitter brians on this site and damn if they aren't taking over. smh

    1. So men are bitter bc we dont want to settle at our peak?

      Women will never take responsibility.

      If women at there peak settled with nice guys than hookup culture wouldn’t exist

  24. See, much of the comment sections is where the Lean In/Non-Consensus of Feminism goes TERRIBLY WRONG:

    The TRUTH is that Very Few are willing to Live, Grow, Struggle, and Succeed TOGETHER (tried it myself- Failed, had a Girl/Woman Try w/ me and the results were the same). It Is what It Is; Accomplishments and Success by Materialism and Degree(s) were what Women said they WANTED from Men since 2006!!! To say this is wrong is Bullshit and doesn't reflect what the Ebony/Clutch/Jezebel/Essence/Salon/Bossip and EVERY OTHER SITE, BOOK, AND PUNDIT HAS SAID, PERIOD.

    1. I get Tired of the Pendulum Swinging from Women and my Fellow Brothas. over 80% of Black Men MARRY BLACK WOMEN!! It's in the Official Census, rather than buying into the Garbage of Misconstrued IR stats or seeing a few celebs and thinking it is the "New Fad". YES, The Black community has Colorism Problems that we are Not Willing to deal with in the face of Constant Racism and the Many Issues that stem from that, but Damn- if a Black Woman can Not be Tied Down in her fulfillment of allowing HER Degrees, HER Career Soar, HER New Horizons- despite the War on [Black] Women that is being waged damn near Everywhere then why can't Us Black Men DO THE SAME- with almost EVERYONE feeling BM= Thug, Threat, Automatic Rapist/Deadbeat/Dumb Student/ Future Felon/ Target for Murder, Inherent Hypocrite, Sell Out, etc????

  25. Yikes!!!! These comments…… It’s like a meeting of the “Back then they didn’t want me. Now I’m hot they all on me” crew. There is so much hurt in these posts that I’m hoping & praying yall are considering therapy. Is everyone a nerd/nice guy/perfect gentleman who was rejected many moons again & the only weapon is that they went to college, got a degree, and a job. Is this your ammo to use against people who supposedly did you dirty? There is wayyyy too much protesting going on to make me believe most of you super nice, perfect people are nearly as great or happy as you claim to be.

  26. Lot's of bitterness on here. From both men and women.

    Personal cost or cost to the black community? If to the community then we may simply be focusing on the wrong things. Blacks getting married and having kids no matter how successful is not going to fix the state of our people in the US. Voting in all the elections besides the presidency will. Supporting black owned businesses will. Trying to uplift others will. Protesting. Petitioning. Speaking out. Actually helping one another out. Acting as a group. We spend too much time judging each other on things that don't count when facing the true nature of this world.

    Running the streets only hurts the race if you don't want to take care of and actually be a father to any kids that may result from such behavior. If you raise your kids right then they have a good chance at being productive members of society(and hopefully people who will fight discrimination and inequality). As far broken hearts go, that's personal and has nothing to do with helping the race.

    Extraordinary display of ego? When you're old I guess. I'm not there yet so I can't really answer that one. But judging from my older peers, you shouldn't let chasing women become your main goal in life. Unless you want it to be and are comfortable with it. Then go ahead.

    Why is everyone sitting around blaming each other?

  27. interesting post.
    interesting comments. I'm not sure you can call comments you don't like trolling, if enough of a certain gender are saying it.

    I personally think it's notsomuch 'ego', but for some fellas who finally get on, the thrill is exciting. to get that attention they never got before, to get that 'love' that they've never received like that before…

    some guys might not want that train to ever come into the station.

    is there a solution?

    not sure. Bitter Brians and Hurt Haleys are in this community, and the pain they've suffered pushes our civil war.

    all I can do is work on self.

    may the odds ever be in your favor.

    1. I called it trolling because he posted the same thing twice, and he's done that before in many other SBM posts.

      He still sounds bitter as hell. I don't care how many of any gender is saying it. Doesn't make them any less bitter.

      1. Better yet, a LOT of people on here have some real-life issues. Like the "I need therapy" issues. I know this is the internet, but I am hard pressed to see how these people function in the real world. There are some disturbed minds on this site. I am not even joking.

        1. "I know this is the internet, but I am hard pressed to see how these people function in the real world."

          the hurt men operate in the real world, the same way the hurt women operate in the real world, i suppose.

          well, maybe in a different way.

          there might not be 'trigger words' or actions for guys to actually shut down. they won't say what you see here, or they tailor their conversation so that their true answer doesn't show out. or maybe it's in their actions. or maybe they find women that will go with what they're selling (whether this or that), because in what "you" might not tolerate, another one will.

          or so they say.

  28. Black Americans are in a very, very sad state! This article and the comments demonstrate part of what's wrong and why blacks in the U.S. will continue to be an underclass in this society – surpassed by ALL other groups who come here. A house divided will not stand, and if it wasn't so sad it would really be laughable to hear that a man with "A" job and substandard education has a pick of any woman he wants just for being such a rarity in his community and therefore considers himself a "success". That is TRAGIC! And you fools are too busy patting yourselves on the head, degrading your women and carving another notch in your bed post to realize the true gravity of the situation. Shame on you.

    1. Shame on us for getting the attention from women now . Shame on us for not marrying the women with excess baggage who wasted her prime years having fun with thugs. Shame on us for enjoying our life now that we made it. Shame on us for getting some love. Shame on us for enjoying our hard earned money. Shame on us for not marrying u when ur 25 n over ur thug phase. Shame on us for breathing. Shame on us for not being ur slaves

        1. That is a sad story but let’s take this to an extreme where there is no coming back. As men we should kill that part of ourselves:

          that ever believed we would be loved;

          Accept all be want thugs n want us educated bm to marry them with excess baggage;

          We should accept that bw have slept with hundreds of thugs, had multiple abortions, want us to fix there mistakes;

          We should accept the fact we educated bm will never b there first choice.

          Now this is where the extreme part comes in. We accept n nothing phases us. They can leave us in the middle of the night but we expect that. Reason y white men r crazy is bc they killed that emotion part of themselves a long time ago. Once that emotion of caring is killed in us brothers, bw won’t hear from us arguing how hard it is for us to watch them to choose thugs while we could have given them the stars if they just gave us a chance. But no matter how we feel or wat we say bw dont want to hear anything . So lets move along. This approach will destroy any chance of having a lte but atleast we keep on walking n smiling

        2. @ali

          Saved that. Totally understand where you are coming from.

          And for the record, some women are worried where men is going, however most are very solipsistic & very oblivious,

          And will only care when most men totally check out & GTOW, which BM have always done is droves.

  29. I am a young BW (23) and when older BM try to approach me I shoot them down or I let them spend their money on me until I get bored and ready to move on, without giving up the panties. Its funny that men think they don't have an expiration date on them cause they do, my friends and I always talk about nasty old men approaching us, and in our book old starts at 30. So you guys can waste your youth if you want to but you'll be hard pressed to find a younger woman who actually wants to be with you because she cares about you. #I'mjustsaying

    1. "hard pressed" is an exaggeration." Half of all people on earth are women. there is never a shortage. no matter what age you are, there will always be people who are attracted to you and people who arent.

      dont let your limited experiences color your perception of the world. you know good and well there are 30 year olds pulling 19 year olds like flies to honey.

      1. Yeah but how many of those 30 year olds that are pulling 19 years are doing it without coming out of pocket. I'm just being honest when older men want to date younger woman they have to willing to support them because most of the time younger women who do date older want providers. That's been going way before either one of us were born.

        1. Come on now… a good looking 30 year old dude can go to a concert or party and one-night a 19 year old with daddy issues, no problem at all. Happens everyday. And he aint come up out the pocket for anything. Maybe you and your friends are the exception, but you certainly arent the rule.

          these young girls dont want providers just yet– they just want to experiment with all types of different men because its all new to them. Be her first "older man." Its easier than some women would like you to believe. Its the older women that want families who are specifically looking for Provider Man. And obviously the last thing they want to hear is the disturbing idea that they are competing with women 10 years their junior. Hence the age-gap-shaming rhetoric. Or the "old men are creepy" language. lol. Well, I speak from experience– lots of younger girls like older men– it helps to be good looking and in great shape.

          Speaking of coming out the pocket: Fellas, merely implying that you have the means to spend on a woman will get you just as far as actually spending. You dont really have to buy her stuff (and if you do, you're doing it wrong). Just imply that you can spoil her if she keeps digging long enough. And let her dig. lol!

          If she's smart or gets hip to the game, drop her and find another. No shortage of attractive dumb hos, trust. Have an "abundance mentality."

        2. Girl, I told this dude the SAME ish a few weeks back. He has this delusion that young women are checking for regular old dudes. No, they are checking for the ones with MONEY. Regular old dudes trying to hit on young girls are pathetic and sad. Leave him to his fantasy world girl.
          I think it gives him some type of hope for when he hits that point in his life.

    2. "I am a young BW (23)"

      To any normal person, you would be considered young. However, according to some of the people commenting on this post, you're just two years away from having your ovaries fall out and land in the nearest sewer.

      By then, you will be over the hill and will be destined to be alone (since everyone knows women are only marriage material between the ages of 17 and 22).

  30. I'm just confused as to where this "All black women want/date/desire thugs and then go after nice guy" rhetoric came from. I've never dated, desired, chased, or looked twice at a thug in my life. This is coming from someone who grew up on the block. The women that I surround myself with have never either. You all have to do better with these baseless generalizations. If anything, any hurt that the women I know have come out of relationships with the nice, educated, working towards success brothas. I've seen women "struggle with a brother" for years, only to be taken advantage of, while he sat on his ass all day playing video games. And I've seen women, black women, struggle with brothers and they both ended up coming out on top.

    Did any of these sisters I know attribute it to being a black man thing? Did they generalize a whole group of people because the character flaws in a few? No! People get hurt, point blank period. White people, black people, Asians; no one is exempt from rejection or heartbreak. All of this you are describing seems more like character issues, NOT color or race. Everything you describe, happens across racial boundaries. And this 25 and over ish? Some women choose not to marry early, because they too have things they want to accomplish first. I wouldn't advise any person to get married BEFORE the age of 25 but that's me. You don't start maturing, as a man or woman until then. 25 and under, you are still learning who you are as a person, and probably aren't mature enough to deal with the issues that come with a serious relationship. That's why you see so many divorces, people jumping into things too soon. Another conversation.

    Anyway, you are what you attract, PERIOD. If these are the only types of women you see/saw, you might want to check yourself to see what flaw you are carrying that is clouding your lenses. I get the sense that many people here just want to be loved. Your generalizations may be what is keeping you from ever experiencing what true love feels like, and that is what is sad. Forget your degrees, your bank statements, and what the title on your name plate says; baby who are YOU? If you don't figure that out, and develop that, you will never attract what you seek which is someone real. Black or not. Black men and women, are so obsessed with what someone looks like on paper, and not character. Falling in lust disguised as love with what someone has or what they can do, instead of who they ARE. Love isn't about "give me" it is about "here is who I am and what I can give you." I said all this to say, y'all need to get your damned lives lol. Stat.
    My recent post You’re My Everything: God, and the Robert Glasper Experiment

    1. "Anyway, you are what you attract, PERIOD."

      True. Since women get approached far more often than men, women should have a very good idea of what they are, as far as men are concerned. Given unrelenting complaints from Black women about the number and quality of (Black) men available to them, many Black women apparently aren't what they think they are, "PERIOD"–according to your criterion.

      Meanwhile, many grown Black men seem inclined to go about their business–approaching or attracting what women they can. The men who already have options they're satisfied enough with–the men with "inflated" egos–aren't all that concerned about failing to impress "strong, independent" and disgruntled Black women.

      Best of luck to those women. But their public complaints about decent Black men they didn't much want or respect, anyway, do get tiring.

      1. i actually agree; anyone who sits around complaining instead of trying to find solutions, may have a skewed view of self. I don’t disagree with you at all. I will even agree that complaints get tiring for black men. But understand, that the complaints about the lack of quality black women may get tiring as well.

        1. Fair enough. No sympathy here for brothas who constantly complain about a lack of quality Black women. We have a consensus of two, at least.

      2. @BP

        THANK YOU for articulating the point that women get approached, so know their worth.

        Alot of men do not. So don't know who they are.

        Good Day

    2. "Did any of these sisters I know attribute it to being a black man thing? Did they generalize a whole group of people because the character flaws in a few? No! People get hurt, point blank period."

      Sisters attribute this situation to being a black man thing (at least tacitly) when they appear on ABC, NBC, and BET and complain about "no good black men." They do so when they write countless articles in the Huffington Post, Essence, Bossip and write on countless blogs about how "black men don't want us." And they ignore the fact that 80+% of black men marry black women. Sisters aired this out on national TV and in print media in the first place and enabled the media's relentless attack on black men. Thanks to a select (yet vocal) group of black women who were mistreated by a select few. Yet, black men still get married to women of ALL backgrounds. But some sisters still have the nerve to call themselves the victim while blaming the same black men they rejected years ago for succeeding in their careers and capitalizing on their ever-increasing dating options. Your comment is proof in the pudding that some women either CANNOT or WILL NOT accept their roles and faults in the matter.

      1. Fair enough. If you have read any of my comments, I never pointed the blame at any one group. I feel like the blame is shared, and women share that because we have lost a lack of standard. I also think the "I don't need a man" attitude we have had has killed us. How is my comment proof that we cannot accept our roles? What you quoted says "these sisters I know…." emphasis on I know.

        Anyway, at the end of the day I get both sides, I just feel like the attacks, the generalizations, from both sides, are not going to make the situation better. I feel what you are saying, I agree to an extent (I've made that clear before to others who shared your opinion), and that's it.
        My recent post Thriving Thursdays: Perseverance

        1. Fine. I see your point and we both agree that attacks based on generalizations do not help our cause. But, we must find the cause of discord between black men and women and address it.

  31. I love how women (mostly older) talk on this blog about character, if 18 year old black women are not stressing character in men, I’m good.

    Older women (30+) stress character because their expiration date is coming soon. Not because they have “seen the light.”

    Also, 25+ year old could feel in their biology the not so hidden cost of not choosing a decent dude. Can’t wait till 2018, 2025 & all these bullsh-tting women either commit suicide or live in regret.

    ———————-

    I read all the comments. And what kills me, is the shock & horror EVEN IN 2013, of some women have towards MEN being angry about today’s social affairs.

    Women just don’t get it, and this sh-t is a game.

    That is why if the majority (60%) BW go down, I would not bat an eye. The writing is on the wall.

    ——-

    I will say this, while I am entering the prime of my player stage and prep for marriage.

    Date quality women of any race. Stay your azz out of ratchet puzzy or just low quality women in general. You are not JUICY J.

    Quality women period, are in short supply, so if you are fortunate to get your paws on one, do your best to make it work.

    You are not obligated to do ANYTHING for BW you have never met. Protect them, etc.

    They may have a case if they give you some puzzy. But nothing much before that.

    Good Day

    1. Consider what seems at first to be a relatively obvious and uninteresting fact: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. Think about that: virtually all men need to drink alcohol before they will approach a woman they are attracted to. You might not be able to empathize with the difficulty of approaching women, but this fact tells you pretty much all you need to know. Pause for a moment and ask yourself what other social actions are so unnerving that people would almost categorically get intoxicated before doing them (if it were socially acceptable to do so). Public speaking maybe? A big job interview? Confronting a good friend about something very important to you? A lot of people get nervous about these kinds of things long before doing them – hours, days, or sometimes even weeks in advance. Approaching a random, attractive woman is easily on the same difficulty level for the vast majority of men, and for a large number of them, it is much harder.

      I am sure some female readers are thinking “That is ridiculous; it shouldn’t be that difficult.” Fine. Great. Maybe it shouldn’t. I could say the same thing about public speaking; it shouldn’t be that difficult either. But normative statements aside, the fact is that, for most people, it is. To paint this picture as clearly as possible, I am going to draw a quick analogy…

      Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.

      But it isn’t even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won’t only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.

      Don’t forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won’t be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about – that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn’t overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn’t organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.

      There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations – just like a man is always judged relative to a woman’s other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about – probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6’3″ athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you’d been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?

      In fact, it is a huge testament to the depth of the male desire for sexual companionship (and I don’t mean that only in the physical sense) that we push through these fears and nerves – yes, sometimes with the help of alcohol or game – in order to talk to and attract women. We do routinely get up in front of the class, swallow our pride and nerves and try our best to beat that nerdy smart kid with the killer public speaking abilities and nerves of steel. And we often do it without any external motivation.

      I am not trying to glorify the struggles of men, nor am I am trying to excuse our weaknesses. I am simply trying to show the girls who say things like those quoted at the start of this post that the male-female comparison isn’t as simple as they believe; and I think analogies like this one go a long way towards doing this. If public-speaking isn’t something you find difficult, then you can substitute it for whatever makes you nervous. Maybe for you it is going on roller-coasters or telling someone you care about that you love them for the first time. The point is that this kind of comparison will help you understand – and hopefully, therefore, appreciate – how difficult it can be for a guy to approach or pursue a girl he really likes. This understanding will count towards your general understanding of male behavior, which in turn will serve to improve your chances with men.

      1. To the women who are not getting approached by men they desire, ask yourself not “why is it such a big deal” for him; it is “what am I doing that might be impacting whether or not these men approach?” Share just a little of the risk and the rewards await. Learn your IOIs and be prepared to lob a few softballs and not cringe – or attack, if/when he shanks the first one foul.

    2. So because I speak about character, not only am I geriatric but am doing so because my clock is ticking? It can’t possibly be that I learned from my mistakes or others around me? That can’t be just a part of who I am as a person? Too close to impossible? Cold world, smh.

      1. Women underestimate how strongly men reject or, at least, resent the prospect of dealing with a woman's "mistakes" made with other men. Of course it's good to learn from error. The problem is that many women seem to make easily predictable "mistakes"–especially when they're younger and in greater demand.

        Meanwhile, the relatively diligent, responsible brotha who has yet to come into his prime is thinking, "If and when my time comes, I won't be compromising much for the type of women who didn't give me the time of day before. Nor will I want to hear from them about the virtues of responsibility, community, and settling down (with an 'experienced' woman and her 'mistakes')." Why would a man with increasing options, and time on his side, prefer to do otherwise?

        There are only so many Nick Cannons to go around. Even then, such men will need to be convinced that an older, experienced woman would add substantial, demonstrable value to his life. The relationship market dynamics done changed by then–whether or not a woman can reconcile herself to that reality.

      2. @mskenyabaybeh

        Real world. Learn it.

        And as a unmarried single mother of 1, this especially applies to women like you.

        I despise women like you & see you as fodder. Someone to f-ck on when i am bored.

        But outside of you having a substantial sum of money, i would never consider making you or women like you, a wife.

        Go find some christian simp to handle his business.

        1. Well I guess you toooooold me! You make the assumption that I would be interested in you, or any other man that thinks like you, so your description of description of what you would do with “women like me” means nothing. Get out of your feelings. Thanks for visiting my blog though, even if it was with ill intention to try and paint whatever picture based on 6 sentences. Luckily, I’m very much aware that whatever conclusion you have drawn about me and “women like me” is just that; the one that YOU have drawn. I’m fine with that. You got it though. Arguing with the foolish is senseless.

        2. Who would want you as a husband though if you see some women as fodder and not others?

          A woman looking for a husband like that lives in a delusional world where she thinks she will be the special one who can change him. Only for you to use, abuse, cheat on her or disrespect her down the line later on.

          Decent human beings dont do this.

          Stop drinking that TariqNasheed/SteveHarvey/Tyrese koolaid.

          I swear some black men are such sociopaths.

        3. Why you mad tho?

          Just because he (and other sensible men) don't want to marry women with children and loads of emotional baggage from previous relationships?

          Was he harsh? Yes. But most men do feel/think the same way as he does. Men are FINALLY waking up to the fact that we have options and that we DO NOT have to put up with the antics of many women. Hence, when 30+, fatter, single mothers with kids and emotional hangups are looking for marriage, smart dudes now know to keep away from these women for they have squandered their youth and looks. And NO MAN looks forward to raising and supporting another man's kids.

          But women want to have their cake and eat it too.

  32. Society has done what it set out to do…..separate the Black Man and Black Woman. These comments make my stomach turn.

  33. Black women just ignore what black men are saying n keep on saying bw/bm r dividing. The bw need to pick the nice guy at 18 n that will solve all the issues. Stop calling god when u keep making mistakes. U thought at ur peak u will have fun n than some guy will accept u when ur peak is over? Women will never accept responsibility. Women have destroyed the idea of marriage not men. Young women n all young women chase badboys . By 27 women loose there looks n biological value. Most women dont have the personality to compete with young women. So they go for the nice guy. Now if women went to a restaurant n ordered a piece of cake n I bring the cake left over by the table next to them. Will women enjoy that leftover cake? U think nice guys r waiting for there queen while she makes dumb decisions? No. They r becoming pua, players, copying the jerk. Now women realize the dream of nice guy waiting for them after they slept with 100 thugs is gone. Now comes in where r the good men. God didnt give women choices back in the days cause he knew u would mess it up

  34. It’s kind of embarrassing reading how ruffled some of the ladies’ feathers get when dealing with these men.

    As a woman, you will will always have options until you are about 70. At that age though it really won’t matter. You will always have options if you play the game right. The older you get, the older the man you need to pursue. In your twenties you can get the 35 and under men. (I don’t know why you would want them though because most of them are broke as hell.) Once you hit 30 start looking at the 45 and older men. Once you hit 50, check for the 65 and older men. If you are 60, there are some 80 year olds that will think you are a “young hot thang.” Once again as a woman, you will always have options. Don’t let a man tell you differently. Men are weak and dumb as hell for women and it’s very easy to get what you want out of a man. Don’t let them fool y’all.

    So what if he leaves or steps out once you start aging. Take his butt to court and take half. Don’t you dare sign a prenup. Always have your future in mind when dealing with men. Always secure your future whether you have a happily ever after with him or not.

    Women, we always have the Power in our hands to win in the end. Don’t forget that ish. The problem is so many women unfortunately don’t realize this.

    Please learn the art of seduction and understand the importance of securing your future and things will be fine no matter your age.

    You’re welcome.

    1. Just remember that when you go for these types of men but they refuse to enter into a long-term relationship with you. That is truly pathetic thinking.

  35. Another atricle that just makes me feel like I should take up basket weaving and adopting cats now. Just so you it's the sam ish on the other side of the fence: you can be nice, smart, drama dial at one and not a single dude is checking for you cuz he's too busy playing revenge of nerds or smashing the ratchets. I can personally testify that being respectable and lady like has gotten me nowhere. What does mean? I guess it means that alot of nice women need to start a club and figure out what we're gonna do with our time.

      1. Which I was surprised how many men of different races were actually interestedbut they're not goingto chance itt unless they know for a fact that a black woman is interesred plus they are really unsure about to approach.

      2. I just hope when you say "IR dating" you really mean trying to date different men of all races/ethnicities as opposed to just exclusively dating white men. At least the brothers try dating all types of women. IR dating to black women just means white only. Like some Stockholm Syndrome affinity.

  36. There is nothing on this earth worst than a bitter man with a bruised ego. A lot of people don't take rejection well and when men don't take rejection well it is to the 25th power. People need to learn everybody is not going to want you. And if you are going for someone just because of the way they look then getting hurt is all your fault. You don't care about what type of person they are just the way they look and you want to get bitter when you get rejected get out of here with that mess.

    1. You better stop talking sense! They don't want to hear your brand of logic. They want you to share your story of the last hoodrat that did you wrong! They need you to testify on why you now only date Latinas and the occasional white chick. You better start talking about how good Kim K looked pushing that stroller with her leggings tucked between the crack of her assets, and how she's already a better mother than any black woman you've ever met (excluding your own, of course – we're not gonna talk about how much of these men's hatred towards black women is really just misplaced rage against their own mothers). You better get outta here with that ish you talking about – don't you know this is a black man's site where they salivate waiting for the next article where they get to tell those no good, ugly, hateful black women, who they simultaneously hate yet are absolutely obsessed with, how they really feel. Don't you know this is the Adonis show. If you not here to back him up you better leave.

      1. @Stopthemadness

        It is about coming up with rebuttals back by reason, you can’t do that, I will tear you to shreds.

        Women regardless of what @langwichartz says, are in denial about things.

        Men are not in denial about the fact that they are lame, and lack presence, are not all that attractive.

        We just look at you funny, when you waste time with certain dudes, nothing substantial comes out of it, and now you are hoping that the dude you overlooked is available.

        Understandably, negroes have a point, and their anger & frustration is justified.

      2. the problem in the black community as i see is that men can identify and work on rectifying our problems but unfortunately our women cannot. then when the men who are in the process of fixing our problems reveal the problems that exist in the whole community (including women) there is a bunch of backlash from the women and they just continue the same old b.s.

        what is the black female equivalent to the nation of islam, moorish science, hebrew israelites, etc?
        My recent post [VIDEO] ECONOMICS PROFESSOR SAYS GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE HURTS BLACKS

      3. Damn, you summed up everything that I've observed in the past year or so on this site.

        It isn't all of the commenters, but the select few are definitely the most vocal.

        1. "And if you are going for someone just because of the way they look then getting hurt is all your fault.

          You imply that most men who find themselves single against their own will are those who holler only at the most attractive women when that's only the truth for a few men. You cast a broad net on all/most single men who have difficulty getting women. If anything, women who are average-looking (or even unattractive) have an easy time getting male attention and sex. They become pickier in men. To be fair, this is largely due to thirsty men (and simps) who shower these women with attention. Yet, it's also due to the media/Hollywood which forces upon women the idea of what their men should look like. Add it up: average-looking women + thirsty dudes + media/Hollywood ideal of boyfriend material= picky, average-looking women who reject men (thirsty and quality, alike) in hopes of getting an Idris Elba. And this is before we start considering real attractive women.

          Even if you believe that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," then you must concede that your comment becomes invalid by logic because, under that outlook, not all men are trying to talk to the most attractive women.

        2. No matter how you cut it, women (model-type, girl next door, average, and unattractive alike) have become more picky in men with whom they get into relationships/have sex because they believe they can always have a better-looking/richer man. The media, Hollywood, and their girls say so. And this is to the detriment of quality men. But 5 or 10 years later, they'll be the same women who demand the quality men they overlooked to date/marry them. Of course, this is only AFTER the quality men get their careers and finances in order and have more dating options than ever before. Figures.

  37. It seems that some black men are making excuses. Yes not promoting marriage is hurting the upward mobility of the black race. However if you want to justify being a player, and picky go ahead and do it if it makes you feel better.

  38. No objectivity whatsoever! I laugh at this propaganda that you can be modern/progressive in every other aspect of your life, except when it comes to a mate. I have a solution: STAY SINGLE!!! Damn if all you hear is "Bitter Brians" or "Hurt Haleys" just stop complaining and stay single. In today's world, we are single because of only one thing: the man/woman in the mirror. Ultimately that's what it boils down to all this blaming each other (although there are degrees of truth on both sides) gets us nowhere. Work on self, and if what you're doing isn't working, change-up your technique, but by all means stop with the unilateral blame game!

  39. I would love NOTHING MORE in the context of this conversation than for the women to admit that the reason so many of them are single against their will is because many of them spend their younger years either: a) getting involved with the wrong type of men (players, thugs, unambitious, swagtastic) or b) keep holding out for Mr. 10% (alpha male w/looks, education, job, money) to finally choose them. Ironically, by engaging in this sort of behavior, man women overlook the not-so-shiny man who probably (with some attention, encouragement, and affection) would more likely resemble women’s desired Mr. 10%. When women can admit this fact–without being defensive about it–then we can finally have some productive discussions regarding dating/marriage and the status of the black family. At the end of the day, women do the choosing

      1. That is not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is that women need to readjust their priorities. Moreover, stop living up to Hollywood's/the media's portrayal of what kind of men women (esp. black women) should be looking for in hopes of dating/marrying. Sadly, many women don't get it until it's too late. And even sadder, it seems like a lot of women who commented on this article won't get it either.

        1. When you have female college/graduate students having sex and trying to have relationships with unemployed/unambitious/promiscuous/criminal men, that's a sign of a disaster in our community.

          I mean, think about it, if you're a guy…would you rather be the student/professional who gets little-to-no attention from his female peers or the swagtastic/thuggish/hyper-masculine man who gets attention from the women who claim "there are no good men"? It's a messed up choice for our young men.

          So, of course, when a black man stays on the right path, makes the right decisions, and is reaping the fruits of his labor, it's only natural that he's going to NOT settle and make up for ALL THOSE YEARS that he went without getting support from women who look like him.

          It's funny that women always defend their behavior by saying that they don't want to settle but then, in the same breath, demand that eligible men should settle with them.

          But, yeah, the men are the ones in the wrong…

        2. I get what he is saying. I agree that some ladies are like this out there. I think the issue is that it's being painted with such a broad brush. People see one type of negative situation and apply it to everything. That's why there is so much backlash. You gotta start posting these rants on love and hip hop chatrooms where this type of post is warranted.
          My recent post Future Confirms How Many Kids He Really Has… [Video] – B. Scott | Celebrity Entertainment News, Fashion, Music and Advice

        3. As a college graduate I'm trying to figure out in which areas there are women of these caliber trying to have relationships with unemployed/unambitious/promiscuous/criminal men? I think we have somehow gotten into a gender war when that was not my point of commenting on your response at all. What I am saying is it is nothing wrong with a female wanting to obtain the very best mate that she can attract. There is no harm in that. Personally I have refused to settle for guys that don't meet what I am I looking for. Just because a guy has a bachelors degree and a job does not mean that they will fit perfectly with every woman who has the same. I am not a male basher at all. My point is just because the ratio for men to women favors men doesn't mean that every woman has to "settle" for less than what she thinks she deserves. If you don't want to settle for something and want to "play the field" because its to your advantage then do what you feel because I am certainly doing the same.

      1. Why are women sleeping with men who don't know how/don't want to use condoms in the first place? Outside of rape, a man can't force a woman to have unprotected sex.

        But it seems for you that anything and everything that goes wrong in sex/dating is the man's fault.

        1. No it seems that for you anything and everything that goes wrong is the woman's fault. The article was about the inflated male ego yet you chose to make the comment women please stop having children out of wedlock like women some how make children by themselves. What you should have said is black people please stop having children out of wedlock because the 51% of children born to single black women is a problem for the entire race not just black women.

        2. OK, but when we're talking about "black people stop having children out of wedlock", we're talking about men and women. Men impregnate women. Women give birth. But before men can impregnate women, women must give consent. And unfortunately, in our community, too many women give consent to men who are not willing to be fathers to their children. So, no matter how you cut it, it all starts with the women. Outside of rape, women are the ones who choose which men can have sex with (and possibly impregnate) them. And women have a one-up because they can get abortions, too.

          But women on this site just act like men force women to become single mothers.

        3. So men have no say so on whom they enter and impregnate? They have no responsibility for the women they choose to sleep with. So men have no access to condoms, vasectomies or abstinence. Are you saying men have no self-control, and as a result, place the burden of poor sexual choice solely on women? It takes 2 to tango. And, these poor choice of women are the ones to blame for getting pregnant because, although they are not smart, they should know to choose a better class of man, that in most cases, would not want them. UNBELIEVABLE IGNORANCE!

        4. Are you dumb or blind?!?!?!?!

          It doesn't matter what men do because women are the gatekeepers of sex. If women refused to have sex with certain men, then they wouldn't have to worry about men who don't want to use condoms or who refuse to be abstinent. In all cases excluding rape, if a man says he wants to have sex with a woman and that woman says "no," that's it!

          And why the fuck would a 20-something y/o man get a vasectomy?

          You've lost the plot.

        5. @Real Talk, u just REAL STUPID. I wasn't talking about any 20 yr. old man getting a vasectomy. I'm talking about any man at any age with a bunch of kids by many, many different women. When are they going to wake TFU and learn to stop what they are doing and stop messing wit women like the ones you are talking about and take responsibility for their sexual behavior. Women are not the gate keeper, a man sure as hell can say no too.

          You mean to tell me that men are just so weak with no self-control that they cannot turn down sex when it is offered by a no good woman or a woman they really dont want and then it is just her fault only, not the both of them. GTFOH

        6. I usually don't resort to name-calling online. But I'll make an exception in this case. You're a simple, stubborn, and incredibly dense b****.

          It's a given that most men would sleep with women who offer sex easily. That's why prostitution is the world's oldest profession. That's why so many men cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Not all men engage in these behaviors but many do. It's not all about men lacking self-control (although that does play a role) but it's about women who avail themselves and their vajajays to men.

          If we're talking about lack of self-control, it's the WOMEN WHO DECIDE WITH WHOM THEY HAVE SEX. As has been said on here ad nauseum, outside of rape, a woman decides whose d*** enters her p***y. Even if a man really Really REALLY wants to have sex with a woman, the woman must give the "OK" before any coital relations go down. That's just the way it works. Women have stewardship over their bodies.

          So unless you're ready to argue that ALL women are empty-headed beings who just let ANY man have sex with them, then it's conclusive that women are at fault for (a) sleeping with dusty/unemployed/loser dudes who were never going to settle down with them, and (b) risking unwanted pregnancies and/or STDs.

          It all boils down to this: women should NOT be using sex as a means to keep men they otherwise wouldn't have.

          Stop being willfully blind to the truth.

        7. ROFLMAO! You just argued my point for me, your comment indicates that the men are empty headed beings who sleep with anything offered to them, LOL! prostitutes could not work without men and arguing that women are the reason men cheat is another point you make for men lacking self-control. If u do the math, DUMB AZZ, you will see that for every woman who has opened her legs, there is at least 1 man who offered his penis. So there is, at the least, an equal number of men and women misbehaving sexually.

          You are the REAL STUPID, dumb, dense, BBB****! I do thank you for the laugh, because your comments are laughable and cannot be taken as credible. Don't ever worry about getting a wife, GET A LIFE, and end the blame game; it is so passé.

          WOW, I am still cracking up! No, wait, awwww STILL LAUGHING, I can't stop. WOOOOOO, holding my stomach crying.

        1. Notice how some female posters CANNOT accept this truth. They just point the finger at men and cry foul. At least men can admit that they mess up when they unintentionally get women pregnant. And men also acknowledge that some men (a lot!) compound their mistake by leaving the woman by herself to raise a child.

          Women, on the other hand, focus on blaming men for leaving them single with children but REFUSE to acknowledge that they ALLOWED these men to have sex with them in the first place. And other women get furious when you bring up the fact that they allowed some of these men to have unprotected sex with them.

    1. Also men, PLEASE STOP HAVING OUT OF WEDLOCK CHILDREN. There. I fixed that for you. Apparently there is a new concept these days where women can somehow have out of wedlock kids by themselves.

      1. I see that neither you nor Eliza had anything to say when I asked why women cannot refuse to have unprotected sex. But please keep blaming men instead of the women who allow dusty dudes to sleep with them without a condom.

      2. @Southerngyrl_

        Unless you & others are willing to concede that women are inferior beings, which we can fully strip of human rights & need to be treated like children.

        It falls back to “my body, my choice”. Men have no jurisdiction there.

        1. Use that excuse when you contract an HIV sweetie. There are MANY MANY good reasons to protect yourself. An unwanted child is not the worst thing that could happen to your sorry ass.

          But I've also read some of your BS, so maybe the world does not need you to procreate.

  40. Please stop with the "I'm not settling" defense mechanism! In actuality, you are settling, TO BE SINGLE. Adjusting your priorities, standards, etc. does not mean you are settling. It means you are open and self-aware enough to realize that you have just as much to do with your dating status as anyone else. All of this bravado, rationalizing, and self-righteousness is accomplishing what exactly? Has it gotten any marriage proposals? Can we stop with the demonization of men under the guise of 21st century, post-modern feminist ideology, and with the same unmitigated gall, demand that men go back to operating under 19th-early 20th century standards.

      1. I know I just refuse to accept ALL the blame. Guys generally can concede with SOME of the grievances of the ladies are true, but have a hard time facing the flaws they exhibit. Remember pointing a finger, results in three being pointed back at you!

    1. And that's another thing. In our community, it's always easier to run away from our problems than to confront and solve them.

  41. You know blacks are in dire straits when Bill O'Reilly is a voice of reason!

    The biggest problem in our community is the disintegration of the black family. We have too many kids being born out of wedlock. Almost 75% of all black children are born outside of marriage and, most of the time, are raised by single mothers. Mothers who, despite all their best efforts, CANNOT raise men. Ever heard the saying "women raise boys, fathers raise men"? Well it's true and you just need to look at the black community to understand. Without the crucial father figure in their lives, young black kids are raised in a confused and disnefranchised environment. The girls grow up without understanding how a man is supposed to love and provide for a woman, i.e., be a husband and father. The boys grow up with a positive male role model and have skewed ways of behaving towards women and functioning in greater society.

    1. Honestly, a lot of women (esp. black women) need to stop having sex with undeserving men. If those women stopped feenin over and sleeping with drug dealers, players, and dudes with "swag" perhaps they could land a suitable mate. Women must admit that a lot of them waste their 20s with the wrong type of men. And, lots of times, have their babies. Smart women value personality, intellect, structure, ambition in a man instead of simply looks, height, money/car/job, and the amount of attention he gets from other women. Women who date/sleep with drug dealers, players, and dudes with "swag" end up being single with children most of the time. Or they grow to be 30+, single, bitter, and mad that no respectable, accomplished man will choose them. Women who search for the right values in men while their young end up getting married to quality men. Or at least don't complain that "no good men exist."

  42. These comments are so very self-centered and sad. Blame game at it's finest. We as a people will never get it together in order to be together, so why not go our separate ways?

  43. These comments are so very self-centered and sad. Blame game at its finest. We as a people will never get it together in order to be together, so why not go our separate ways

    1. That sounds like something a tired woman would say. It seems like you already made up your mind to go IR (i.e., date white). Either that your you're "choosing" to be single.

      Although this comment board has devolved into a blame game, at least all the male posters on here have accepted and acknowledged that: 1. it's not all women's fault, 2. nobody–man or woman–can do whatever s/he wants and not deal with the consequences, and 3. dudes who ain't s*** ruin dating for quality men and women. The dudes acknowledge their faults. But most female posters do not try to understand how quality men feel about the topic. Any comment/criticism on here that goes against their preconceived notions and ideas of self-righteousness, regardless of its truth or logic, gets overlooked [like the quality men they swear are unavailable]. Quite simply, they're asking a question, men (some quality, some not) are providing answers based on their experiences and outlooks, and women are getting mad at the posters without even considering the reason for the answers or women's role in this mess.

  44. As much as I hate to side with bitter chauvinists and he-men, the majority of the guys have been making legitimate points regarding the dating situation. I'm not saying that they're blameless but us women should at least we can't have a topic about men and then reject their points of view and input just because they are placing the blame on women. Don't get emotional when arguing, ladies. We shouldn't be calling people a "troll" or a "sorry ass" like some girls have.

    But the fellas are sounding butt-hurt as all get-out. And butt-hurt fellas who come into money are obviously going to throw it back in our faces. Glad I'm engaged. *happy dance*

      1. You've been here trolling on this thread for some time. Why are you always blaming woman? Why are you so harsh on the sisters? That was mean what you said to that 30-year-old poster about seeing her as fodder. You sound like one of the "butt-hurt" guys Danika was talking about.

        1. @breestyles

          Call me whatever. I will marry & procreate with a BW.

          Black women for the most part have given me their azz to kiss when I was sincere & kind.

          But we are a victim blaming society, esp. When men are on the receiving end.

          Right or wrong. Any person would be justifiably mad about my situation when it comes to sistas.

    1. @Danika, I have to point out that while you attempted to be back-handed objective, you undercut yourself with the insults to the guys. Guys pointing out women's faults aren't all "butt-hurt", "Bitter Brians", and chauvinists. Some of us just like to keep this comment thread somewhat objective. You can't point out all of our flaws and I will admit that we can be some jacked-up creatures that CONTRIBUTE to relationship issues, but when guys attempt to highlight the ladies part, the breakdown begins. I understand some people get caught up in delivery and who's saying it, but don't miss the message by focusing solely on the messenger.

      1. "You can't point out all of our flaws and I will admit that we can be some jacked-up creatures that CONTRIBUTE to relationship issues, but when guys attempt to highlight the ladies part, the breakdown begins. "

        I agree 100%. And in essence, that's what I was saying. But at least I put "butt-hurt" in quotes to imply that I don't subscribe to the term as applied by women on this board.

        And quite frankly, I will go a step further and say that, in the end, it's probably women's fault that dating in the 21st century is how it is now. I believe a couple of male posters above were saying that women choose with whom they date/lay/procreate and that's true. We must be mindful of what we consume [media], what standards we set for dating, and with whom we do our deeds. Moreover, we must understand that re-adjusting our standards in men =/= settling. I find that a lot of my friends do know what qualities to look for in a man but get weak for a FINE man. That must change.

        1. Very subtle difference between us and men: Men ignore the women whom they find unattractive and women act like unattractive men don't exist.

          So, getting to the root of this topic, men who weren't considered attractive to women (nice guy/short/overweight) become some type of way when they start doing well for themselves and have more (and better) dating options. And when women see this and ask "why won't he marry ME?", those men are right in saying that we didn't acknowledge them in our younger days. Women only see what they want to see until they see it for what is is.

    1. @Danika, I think I'm in love..lol. Seriously I appreciate your honesty and candor, to me it's not about one side being right or wrong it's about acknowledging that we BOTH have created this cesspool called dating in the 21st century. Refreshing perspective coming from the other side of the aisle that's all I could ask for. "Man code" and "Woman code" set us back in tackling these issues in our community.

  45. Some people (ladies) are in denial about how real the "Vapors" is. Sorry it's just another one of those facts of life. People do get overlooked until they reach a certain status. Having a real conversation must begin by admitting this premise is valid. Dismissing it reduces any argument to mere subjective posturing, but I digress, carry on.

    1. @Langwichartz

      @Danika is off the chain.

      I just wonder if most women are playing dumb and/or really clueless about today’s dating affairs.

      1. @Adonis

        You right, but they don't wanna hear the truth, so I'm a lie to em make it sound fly to em! Lol…im thinking of changing my name to Quid Pro Quo…lol.

  46. Sadly no one talks about love, trust, honesty and mutual respect. Instead it's an all out war of the sexes.

    News flash, if a woman is dating a guy for anything other than love, she's using him and vice versa. When people stop using each other is when they will free themselves up for something real.

  47. WOW, black people WAKE UP! From reading these comments most of you have drunk the koolaid. You have allowed the white agenda to eliminate the black race get into your head. I am so grieved in my spirit at the comments posted here about US!

    If I had to draw a conclusion based on the summary of these comments, it would be that blacks should no longer date/marry each other. Keep doing what the white supremacists have indoctrinated you to do; hate each other, degrade each other, mistrust each other, look to other races so that in the end, there will no longer be a black race.

    Our people, both men and women, forget that they fathered or birthed these hood rats, gold diggers, whoremongers, dope dealers, pimps, uneducated, government-dependent males and females. For every single mother, there is a single daddy somewhere and a disappointed child to boot. So instead of making better choices as a race and trying to work together to GET IT TOGETHER, we continue to tear each other a part; leaving OUR children as the collateral damage. You brag about how much better people of other races are as mates more than you own kind. White people are so proud of you. You are doing the dirty work for them.

    Do I hear the ghost of willie lynch in these comments instead of the voice of those who were "supposedly" set free and enlightened. These comments set black people back hundreds of years. However, during slavery, the black man and woman had a common enemy, the white race, and in order to survive they needed each other–they needed their black family…other than The Lord, there was no greater love than BLACK LOVE. The white race knew this so they planted seeds of discord, disunity, divisions, distrust, immorality, promiscuity and all manner of moral decline within the black race. This is one sure way of destroying the race. It is evident by these comments, that the white racist agenda has succeeded.

    Reading these comments and so many like them on other blogs/sites, makes me sick to my stomach and ashamed to be a black person today.

    We have taken on the ways of the oppressor and have become what our ancestors fought against, we have become racist against our own kind–haters of black men and women. We lynch each other with our mouth, we enslave each other with our ideals, we denigrate each other with our assumptions and in the end…genocide.

      1. @Adonis, nothing fake about me, but your reply confirms what I wrote. It was my hope that my comments would be though-provoking, causing our people to rise above what divides us and come together to work to fix OUR ISSUES. You read it against the spirit in which it was written. I'm praying for you even though you probably don't want it from me, but you definitely need it and it is one thing no one can stop me from doing. You have such a spirit of anger and your words give off hate toward anyone who does not conform to your beliefs. But, I meet your name-calling and hate with love and challenge you to spread true love.

        I pray the Lord's richest blessings upon your life, I pray for all things to work for your good, I pray that you would never lack any good thing in your life. I pay for The Lord to bless you in every area of your life and the lives of your family. I pray for the Peace of God to cover you, I pray for Joy to always be yours. I prat The Lord God's perfect will for your life. I pray your health never fail and I pray a spirit of love to indwell you richly in the mighty, matchless name of Yeshua, AMEN. I only have love for you Mr. Adonis.

        1. @imJustsaying

          Your black power rant was bullsh-t.

          It is most BW and some BM (who were raised by single moms) who don’t get it

        2. @Adonis
          Father God in the name of Jesus, please bless Adonis. I pray for him to see with your eyes, love with your heart, understand with the mind of Christ and be a positive influence in the lives of others. I pray you would provide all his needs according to your riches in glory. I pray for him to prosper and be in health. I pray for your saving grace to be upon Hs life, AMEN.

  48. most–but not–black women have forgotten how to be women. and when they do learn, it's far too late.

    we can about fatherless homes. we can talk about the nanny-state govt. we can talk about the trashy media. we can talk about feminism. we can talk about self-hate. we can talk about society's emphasis on sex.

    or we, as men, can demand accountability from our women in their dating/sexual decisions and allow no room for excuse-making. we can hold our women accountable for what they do in the same way that whites, jews, asians, latinos hold their women accountable for their behavior. men, we must let women know that we will no longer lower our standards to the point where we'll date/marry women who make questionable decisions w/o being held accountable. when we hold them accountable, women will be forced to re-evaluate themselves collectively and will have the answer as to why most of them aren't being chosen as wives.

  49. Repost from a CNN article about why are black men angry.

    I was looking through a lot of the post and reading. Then I started wondering why are there so many black men here angry with black women. One guy stated the dark skinned black women were the bitterest and the darker their skin is the more bitter they are. Another guy stated stated the Michelle Obama was the reason the her husband would lose the campaign and that Barack should leave her for some actress. Then another guy stated tha black women don't listen to black men. He also stated that black women play the blame game and don't know when to "SHUDDUP" I'm just curious that as a race how does this help? The only thing these men have proved to me is that they shouldn't date or marry black women. In no way am I saying that "some" women are off the hook for making you men angry and bitter; but don't generalize all black women based on a few. You have not met all black women. You only know the few you have interacted with directly or indirectly; and those you have seen on television. You have just done to black women what CNN did to "Black in America". All black women and all black men are not the same.

    I shudder to think that one of these men even has a children; and GOD forbid they have daughters. I can only imagine the low self esteem these girls will have. Especially, the child of the father who made that remark about skin color.

    Maybe black women have made mistakes in saying they can't find a "good black man" . A lot of times this issue has to do with where you live; and not your mouth. Start out by looking for a "good man".

    I know lots of good black men; most of them I am related and others are friends. These professional, educated, and successful men are still looking. Why; because they say a "good black woman" is hard to find. These guys know I agree with them and we dicuss issues about dating and come to the same conclusion. The one thing about these men are they are not bashing all black women.

    People dating is difficult; especially if you have a lot more rules or standards for the type of person you will date.

    To all of those men who have prejudged all black women base on their limited experience with women: I hope that you do not hold with in your self a hate for black women. There are way too many negative images of black people for other black people to continue to fuel that fire of hate toward the black race and black women.

    I just want to add this for all those people doing right and having bitter angry brothers and sisters against them: Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me," Says the LORD.

    1. (1) @Angry Black

      Repost from a CNN article about why are black men angry.

      Where is the link?

      I was looking through a lot of the post and reading. Then I started wondering why are there so many black men here angry with black women.

      Justifiably angry. When people say angry, they make it seem like the guy is angry for no reason.

      One guy stated the dark skinned black women were the bitterest and the darker their skin is the more bitter they are.

      I concur with this assessment.

      Another guy stated stated the Michelle Obama was the reason the her husband would lose the campaign and that Barack should leave her for some actress.

      Interesting. Barack is with her for whatever reason he is with her, none of our business.

      Then another guy stated tha black women don't listen to black men.

      Based on off & on-line interactions, I find that observation to be valid.

      He also stated that black women play the blame game and don't know when to "SHUDDUP"

      LOL

      I'm just curious that as a race how does this help?

      From my vantage point, it doesn't, but I would rather be wiped out than make nice with some ungrateful black b-tches.

      The only thing these men have proved to me is that they shouldn't date or marry black women.

      Most will statistically marry BW.

        1. Angry Black, pray tell, how many black women must a man encounter–and get rejected by–before he can start drawing conclusions about dating experience with them?

          You're talking to men who've presumably been dating black women their whole lives. If each male poster's experience with dating black women has been negative overall, why are you dismissing them and what they have to say?

          It's clear that black women who reach a certain age have difficulty getting married. Instead of being defensive or trying to excuse the behavior of these women, why don't you try listening and understanding where the men are coming from and admit that you (and LOTS of other black women) make or have made some dumb decisions during your 20s?

        2. I'm not a black woman, I saw this this article and posted it because I am an angry black man and I can admit it. I'm not angry at black women, I'm angry at myself for the type of women I chose to allow in my life. I'm angry at my younger self for not exercising better self control. I wish I knew then what I know now.

          I can't blame anyone for the choices I made. I'm not angry with anybody, but me. At my age, 55, I'm just learning to be a man. I could blame my dad, who left us to raise ourselves, chasing pzy and not wanting to be a father, but I won't. I knew better, but didn't do better, I chose to do what he did, I now choose to live better, but I'm still angry at me for not doing it sooner.

        3. @ Angry Black

          I don't care about your life story. you still didn't answer my question…

          how many black women must a man encounter–and get rejected by–before he can start drawing conclusions about dating experience with them?

          If you can't provide an answer, then PLEASE stop dismissing men's opinions based on their dating experiences.

        4. U one SMF, check urself and see why you getting rejected. I ain't Neva had that problem, I was the one doing the rejecting. Answer ur own damn question. One day, u will look back from a different pair of eyes and see how wrong your younger self was. Some take longer to gro up than others, but I guarantee u will see. I'm out and leaving this ish to u young haters.

    2. (2)

      In no way am I saying that "some" women are off the hook for making you men angry and bitter; but don't generalize all black women based on a few.

      The contention here is that, there are bad apple in the black female ranks, but how many bad apple has yet to be clear.

      And women are not ready to admit that a simple majority of BW of dating age is on that BS.

      You have not met all black women.

      Neither have you.

      You only know the few you have interacted with directly or indirectly;

      Neither have you.

      and those you have seen on television. You have just done to black women what CNN did to "Black in America". All black women and all black men are not the same.

      We know. We just have a problem when we label black women as bad, then black women want to be treat as individuals, not before.

      I shudder to think that one of these men even has a children; and GOD forbid they have daughters.

      There daughters/sons will be fine.

      I can only imagine the low self esteem these girls will have. Especially, the child of the father who made that remark about skin color.

      Their daughters/sons will be fine.

    3. (3)

      Maybe black women have made mistakes in saying they can't find a "good black man" .

      Now, WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE. Too bad, women lack the self-awareness.

      A lot of times this issue has to do with where you live; and not your mouth. Start out by looking for a "good man".

      I disagree, "good men" are everywhere. However not a lot of women want "good men" & "good men" have preferences to kind of women they want around them.

      I know lots of good black men; most of them I am related and others are friends. These professional, educated, and successful men are still looking. Why; because they say a "good black woman" is hard to find.

      Well… It coincides with a point I made before, there are a lot of bad apples in the black female community, a simple majority (51%)

      These guys know I agree with them and we dicuss issues about dating and come to the same conclusion. The one thing about these men are they are not bashing all black women.

      Duh!!! Me either.

      People dating is difficult; especially if you have a lot more rules or standards for the type of person you will date.

      Of course.

      To all of those men who have prejudged all black women base on their limited experience with women: I hope that you do not hold with in your self a hate for black women.

      I think it is a little late for all that. But that's me.

    4. (4)

      There are way too many negative images of black people for other black people to continue to fuel that fire of hate toward the black race and black women.

      That is a f-ckin' copout. It is about the BW we interact with directly off-line.

      I just want to add this for all those people doing right and having bitter angry brothers and sisters against them:

      Somebody get this woman.

      Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me," Says the LORD.

      I'll concede this point just to avoid religious arguments. You are right. GOD trumps everything.

  50. @30Year-OldBlackWoman

    FINALLY…A black man talking some sense. I have said the exact same thing. I’m a single 30 year-old black woman,

    That is the problem WTF were YOU doing the last 15 years.

    Why weren’t you checking for the men who were checking for you.

    and I do not mind people our age dating to see what they like, but it is REALLY frustrating to find people our age “playing the field” as a game of how many folks they can get into their bed.

    Just as it is our right to do GOD KNOWS what the last fifteen years, it is BMs right to do GOD KNOWS what for the next fifteen years.

    Far more men do this than women–especially at my age,

    You are only upset about men’s mating habits because you erroneously believe it is affecting you. Very selfish of you.

    If you were married already, you would not care. Until your husband bangs some skank.

    and that is where many black women have emotions that range from despair to anger.

    Due to their poor choices & lack of personal responsibility for those choices.

    It is so ignorant to count how many women you can bed as opposed to finding one quality woman and truly building a functional, happy, successful life together–creating a team.

    Get over yourself. You are getting old & wack now, and now you want eligible men to NOT ONLY pick you, but focus on you & only you.

    Fantasy Island.

    Options are fine, but how is being a male whore with a 3-piece suit on helping anybody.

    I can say the same about your worthless life. Sucking up all the good air, and doing sh-t with it but being a all-star h0e.

    You are violating your own body and hurting many expectant women in the process.

    Because that is all that matter in life, how WOMEN are affect. Go play in traffic.

    It is truly frustrating. I try not be an angry black woman, but it’s hard when you are trying to be an adult, and you seemingly have no adults to date…

    Because another adult chooses to exercise their autonomy & it doesn’t align with your self-interests. Catch this fade.

    This is why I tell black women to expand their options to dating outside of the race, though.

    But you are still single tho. So how is that working out.

    There are good men of all races out there. If you limit your options to black men, you may never find a meaningful relationship.

    Of course if you have been bullsh-tting around the last 15 years. BM are not stupid.

    There are just not enough eligible ones out there.

    Who would take your old, wack, high-mileage azz seriously.

    Good Day

  51. Black men, just focus on yourself, your profession, and your family and SUCCEED!

    Once you do, everything will fall into place and dating will be like a buffet. Marriage can wait.

      1. The dating/marriage game is different for males and females and YOU KNOW THIS.

        Men are in no rush to get married. Men need to make sure we're secured professionally/financially before considering marriage. Men's collective value on the dating market improves as they get older. We begin to gain more assets/wealth and our dating pool increases exponentially. We have more dating options (black women, white women, latina women in their 20s and 30s). And even then, marriage is merely an option to some of us, given the inequality in favor of women in this country's marriage system. Men can afford to delay marriage until they're set emotionally, financially, and socially and, honestly, are probably better off doing so.

        Females, on the other hand, are subject to their biological clocks. After 30, pregnancies become increasingly dangerous for women (and the babies to be born) with each passing year. Men who want to settle down and get married want to do so with a woman who can provide children with minimal risk. There's also the fact that women start to lose their looks and become heavier as they get older. So their value as a collective on the dating market decreases as they get closer to 30. Hence, women who delay marriage are playing a dangerous game. And those who do get married when they're older have less leverage in the type of man they can marry. They won't be able to marry guys who look like the men they messed with in their 20s and will probably have to "settle" with an average-looking guy (who they probably overlooked in their 20s) who can provide a stable domestic/financial situation.

        Women can't afford to delay marriage like men can. YOU KNOW THIS.

        1. You're repeating a lot of what is said in the manosphere. I'm more than familiar with those concepts. But you laying it out only weakens the arguments about it being black women contributing to men not marrying. As you just said, men aren't in a rush anyway. That has nothing to do with what black women are or are not doing.
          My recent post Why I Am Not a Feminist

  52. I think that black men have to decide what *they* are about. A man who refuses to commit to starting and investing in a family and a legacy is making a statement about his values and priorities in life. If a man says that he is more interested in sexual adventurism than in building a legacy that will be passed down through his children, then that is his choice. He has to decide what is more important to him. What I take exception to is somehow spinning this to be about black women. A man might claim that girls in college weren't really interested in him before he became "successful" but I would bet there was some girl(s) who would have been happy with him–but she probably wasn't one of the prettiest/coolest chicks he had his eye on. It goes both ways in that respect.

    1. Cut the crap! Black men don't have to do anything but stay black and die.

      It's funny how [black] women swear that men have a moral obligation to date/marry them after they reach a certain age. What crap!

      "A man who refuses to commit to starting and investing in a family and a legacy is making a statement about his values and priorities in life. If a man says that he is more interested in sexual adventurism than in building a legacy that will be passed down through his children, then that is his choice."

      Same can be said about women who didn't settle down in their 20s. How come women weren't worrying about family and legacy when they were engaged in sexual adventurism in their 20s?

      "What I take exception to is somehow spinning this to be about black women."

      Let's call it what it is: Men in this discussion have offered various reasons as to why many of them are "playing the field" and delaying marriage/serious relationships. Moreover, men on this board openly accept the fact that there are plenty of them who are in the wrong. Women, on the other hand, are doing the spinning when they're confronted by men's reasons for avoiding/delaying marriage, many of which include valid insight and criticisms of women's dating behavior. When confronted with these criticisms and explanations, the women become defensive and refuse to accept that MANY of them are reaping what they sow. Some have even resorted to name-calling and thumbs-downing every male poster's comments.

      "I would bet there was some girl(s) who would have been happy with him–but she probably wasn't one of the prettiest/coolest chicks he had his eye on."

      Flawed argument. Until women start approaching men en masse, this argument holds no weight. It would be one thing if women approached dudes and initiated relationships. But they don't. Men do the pursuing. While they may not receive as much male attention as the "prettiest/coolest chicks," the non pretty/cool chicks still receive male attention. Especially in this age of simping. Yet, for whatever reason, they don't want to "settle" for the men who DO give them attention and they hold out for someone better. Most are still waiting. Hope their degrees and jobs are keeping them warm at night!

      Another dumb comment shot down. *blows smoke from the tip of pistol*

      1. Being rude does nothing to advance your argument or lend you credibility. In fact, it detracts from your point.

        First, I'd point out that the title of this article is "The Problem of the Inflated Black Male Ego." So to complain that I would make a comment about black men and their choices is a bit odd. That is the premise of the article. If you don't like the premise, you should take it up with the author.

        Secondly, *everyone* in this world who is an adult has to figure out what they are about. Did I say what choice black men had to make? No. But adults have to figure out their values. Yes, this includes black men. The "stay black and die" mantra is an old line that is meaningless. It doesn't address what I said. If black men choose to sleep around and not pursue marriage, then that is *their* choice and value in life. Don't turn around and point to black women and say, "Hey, why aren't we getting married?" Black men need to ask *themselves* that question.

        Somehow, in the media, and even implicitly in this article, an idea is promoted that black men aren't marrying because black women aren't doing x,y, or z or are not enough of this or that. Nope. Men who want to get married generally figure out how to do that–*if* that's what they think is important to do. There *will* be a woman–black, white or other, happy to have him. The fact that he chooses not to get married is about him, not the fact that some black woman out there is delaying marriage or shot him down in college.

        Oh, and just for factual accuracy, the more education/higher income a black woman has, the more likely she is to be married. (research by Dr. Ivory Toldson; Christine Whelan) So, no, black women pursuing their interests is not keeping them lonely or stopping black men from settling down.

        1. First, I didn't complain about the subject of the article. I didn't complain about the fact that you made a comment on the author's subject. But I did take issue with the fact that your post read like a "matter of fact" and that it reeked of implicit condescension at the choices some black men make in their dating lives. That may of not been your intent but you post reeked of condescension. Case in point, your last line: "I would bet there was some girl(s) who would have been happy with him–but she probably wasn't one of the prettiest/coolest chicks he had his eye on."

          Secondly, if you followed the comment section, you'd notice that the issues of black marriage and biology inevitably surfaced. Seeing as the article is about black men's "inflated ego" and their willingness to "play the field', most male posters provided their insight and the majority of them stated that their lack of marriage prospects in the black community were the source of the issue. The first comment (written by a man) in sum stated that marriage is a losing proposition for black men. It's disingenuous for you to comment on an article written about black men and dictate "Don't turn around and point to black women and say, 'Hey, why aren't we getting married?'" when the majority of the male posters' insights boiled down to the state of marriage in our community and to women's dating habits. The male posters' opinions are important, no matter how much most female posters on here act like they aren't.

          Nobody denied that men who want to get married generally will. That's not the issue at all. If anything, we're all too aware of that truth. Women here are indignant at the fact that black men are now taking advantage of their dating opportunities, including interracial dating/marriage. And if you dig a little deeper, you'd notice that the reason many male posters (and men in general) are more open to dating other races of women is because of the way many women conducted themselves in the past–even in college. Despite what you say, men's choice to delay marriage or not get married at all is as much about the females as it is about them.

          Finally, I didn't say that black women won't get married because of they're degrees/higher income. I just alluded to the fact that they're going to have slimmer pickings the older they get. You'll notice that the kind of men these educated black women marry are the kind of men they probably wouldn't have looked at in their 20s.

        2. "That may of not been your intent but you post reeked of condescension. Case in point, your last line: "I would bet there was some girl(s) who would have been happy with him–but she probably wasn't one of the prettiest/coolest chicks he had his eye on."

          I’m not sure why you would read that as condescension. That is just how people are. Men decide what women they are going to pursue based on which women they find attractive, right? If a particular young woman is not attractive enough for him, not his “type” or weighs too much (or too little), doesn’t have the right personality, etc., he will overlook her without stopping to see whether she’s kind, wise, supportive, etc. She will not be one of the girls he looks back on wishing she had given him a chance. Every man has his own standard regarding who he will and will not pursue, and that includes the men who weren’t popular in school. There were undoubtedly young women within his grasp at the time, but those were not the women he wanted. ‘Cause for every man that struggled to get a date, there’s a woman who was rarely asked out, or asked only for sex.

          Likewise, women have their own standard for what they find attractive in men. If a man wasn’t popular with the girls, that just means that at that time in his life, he didn’t have what was attractive to women. Just like a woman who loses weight and puts more effort into her appearance, she will be more attractive to men than she was before and get more attention from men. Any man or woman who ups their level of attractiveness to the opposite sex is going to have romantic options that they didn’t have before. You seem to imply that women should have different standards. But I wonder whether you think the same applies to the standards men have of women.

          Again, *both* men and women have standards that they use to decide who they might want to be with, but men and women just use different criteria. A man improving his lot in life, building character, etc. becomes a more attractive man. As the article is about ego, if he then uses that newfound attractiveness to sleep around to assuage his former feelings of rejection by women he admired, that is not the fault of black women en masse. He is an adult. That’s how he’s choosing to make himself feel better about himself. He’s making a statement that says that right now, boosting his ego in this way is more important to him than starting and investing in a family. If I sound condescending, it’s because while I accept the choices of other adults, I don’t think there’s anything admirable in doing that.

          My recent post Why I Am Not a Feminist

        3. @ariana

          I don't think it is admirable for black women to sl-t around in their younger years, only to expect black men who had to bleed, sweat & fight for every inch of ground they walk on, deal with BW (who make it a point to express their disdain for BM & their non-BW partners), rejecting them over & over because they lack "swag" or appear to lack superficial features, to take them seriously as long term mates.

          But, when men decide to leverage their newfound s-xual attractiveness, women (who ignore all the other women out there who leverage their attractiveness to get the "best man" they can get), instead of wishing that man the best.

          Start talking about his reluctance to marry, and how unadmirable it is for him to sleep around.

          Again, no criticism for women who act in the same manner. I have rarely heard women criticizing other women for skirting their marital duties, but have all that fever for BM. And that is another reason why BW are not seriously in these conversations.

          HNY

        4. @ariana

          You have to have your argument updated, when women collectively have the unmitigated gall to approach men en masse.

          You cannot cry, dude do not approach you, when you don't do any of the approaching yourself.

          Dudes don't know how you feel until you tell him.

          But of course, rejection is hard. So i see why women are not trying to approach men anytime soon.

          Also, since men have the burden of making a love/lust connection happen.

          You have very little ground to walk on when criticizing who men decide to approach.

          Get up, and make a connection happen. Or STFU & stay alone

        5. Furthermore, I think it’s even less admirable to drag black women into it as the ever-reliable fall guy. Let’s look at the things that black women are criticized for:
          –Loyalty to black men (reluctance to date IR) even though BM consistently remind BW of their IR options and pursue them [the White, Asian, and Latino girls wouldn’t have dated him in college either, btw; why not be mad at them too?];
          –Having & raising babies OOW (though, of course, a man had to have been somewhere)
          –Higher rates of STDs (often caught from BM coming from prison)
          –Pursuing education & good jobs(though black women who pursue education actually show that they value marriage more by actually getting married more)
          –Being too religious (yes, BW are told that spending too much time in church of all places is why they are single)
          Whether BW do wrong alongside black men or do right, the conversation seems to focus on why they didn’t do enough. I will double down on the point about black women delaying marriage because it’s just not the case. Black women (in general) aren’t rejecting all these eligible young black men in order to pursue their education and careers. Nor are scores of black men in college being rejected by the young women on campus, black or otherwise (even if that is the experience of a few). Again, it makes for a convenient blame-game, but no objective information bears that out; and again, educated and career-oriented black women statistically show themselves to value marriage and get married more than other groups of black women. That means that if an edcuated black man really wanted to get married, his black women peers would be the most available, willing, and suitable (esp. given that BM in IR relationships have higher divorce rates, and couples that are educated and older are less likely to divorce). But the fact that he chooses not to pursue marriage is their responsibility? No, it’s his.

          Regarding whether marriage is a poor bet for men in general, one, while I did read through the comments before posting, it would not be possible to address every one nor was it my intent to do so. The “men going their own way” movement, the “manosphere” and the “men’s rights groups” are doing their utmost to discourage men from marriage. While I agree with the need for legal reforms regarding divorce, I do not agree with their conclusion that marriage is bad for men today. The idea that men are better off without marriage is opinion, not fact. The experiences of a minority of disgruntled men are shouting loudly and are doing their best to convince others that they should be as miserable as they are. The opinions borne out of the experience of individuals provide purely anecdotal evidence and may reflect their experience, but cannot be generalized to everyone. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that what they have experienced is what everyone experiences. I’m not going to get into an argument about that, though, as it’s a completely different topic.

          My recent post Why I Am Not a Feminist

        6. @ariana

          Are you making the argument that the choices and behavior of our black female counterparts does not affect how men choose women for short & long-term?

          Because if there is a perception, right or wrong, true or false, of black women who

          – have kids out of wedlock
          – sleep around with irresponsible or uncommitted dudes who don't care about their well-being, just the s-x
          – reject marriage minded men, and then later badger them to wife them up when they are old & wack.

          I would say that perception would have an impact on black men and their willingness to invest in a black woman in 2014.

          If you are in denial, that their is a strong negative perception of black women that is backed by many forms of observation, then you & other BW deserve all the dating misery you can handle.

          Because, your reputation precedes you. Right or wrong. True or false.

          I would address that in an intelligent & effective manner if i were a BW.

    2. @ariana

      You are making it seem as if black men are just beating up on black women for no reason. As if black women have pkayed their part, and black men are just angry without justification.

      And being in denial is only going to make it worse for you & other clueless BW.

      1. @Adonis

        Don’t even waste your time responding to her bro. She’s clearly stuck in her way of thinking, even though it’s horribly flawed.

        The fact that she stated that black women have NOTHING to do with successful black men’s decision to delay/avoid marriage shows how clueless she is. In her world, black women are the only victims and everything is black men’s fault.

  53. @Ariana

    “-Loyalty to black men (reluctance to date IR) even though BM consistently remind BW of their IR options and pursue them [the White, Asian, and Latino girls wouldn’t have dated him in college either, btw; why not be mad at them too?]”

    If marriage/dating prospects are so bad for black women, they should try dating out. It makes logical sense. Problem is that most men of other races aren’t rushing to marry black women. But that’s another discussion altogether.

    As explained before in this comment thread, BM initially don’t seek to date women of other races. We overwhelmingly prefer BW. But those who date women of other races aren’t mad at those women because BM and non-BW aren’t expected to be with each other in the first place. So when a BM and a non-BW do get together, it’s a surprise. We can’t be mad at the women with whom we aren’t expected to date/marry. We are mad at BW because so many of them overlook and ignore BM who do want to get with them when they’re younger and because we’re expected to date/marry BW.

    “-Having & raising babies OOW (though, of course, a man had to have been somewhere)”

    True. But in plenty of instances, multiple BW have kids fathered by the same man. That’s why there are more single mothers than single fathers in our community presently. So BW should be criticized for sleeping around with men (sometimes the same men) and having kids out of wedlock. Men aren’t without blame though.

    “-Higher rates of STDs (often caught from BM coming from prison)”

    Why are BW sleeping with men going in and out of prison?

    “-Pursuing education & good jobs(though black women who pursue education actually show that they value marriage more by actually getting married more)”

    Nobody criticizes women for getting degrees and good jobs. However, BM criticize some BW for using the degrees/jobs to overcompensate for their inability to be a loving, feminine partner and as reasons their insistence to not “settle” with any man who doesn’t make them get wet with a gaze in their direction.

    “-Being too religious (yes, BW are told that spending too much time in church of all places is why they are single)”

    Except for a couple of articles, I’ve NEVER heard BM say that sisters are too religious. And those articles that I read were written by BW. If anything, BM wish BW were more virtuous. However, many BM complain BW rely too much on preachers and allow them to meddle in their personal lives and relationships. This is a valid argument. Moreover, BM criticize churches because the churches, lead by male pastors, co-sign the fuckery of many BW in their dealings with men while blaming and ostracizing BM as the source of everything wrong in marriages and relationships. Makes sense.

    1. @SO SO SAD,

      Your most posts are a prime example of the flawed comprehension and logic that a substantial number of women posses when discussing these issues in our community. I wish I had to willingness to discuss with you point by point why your comment is flawed but that would be no more feasible than trying to explain the facts and reasons that debunk your entire comment to a wild animal. And perhaps my energy would be better spent attempting to do so with a wild animal.

      When confronted with valid statements and arguments, your comment comment evolve merely devolve into ad hominems against those with whom you disagree. You represent a growing population of people in our community who elect to apportion blame on others while failing to take personal responsibility for their actions. Instead of employing introspection, you seek vilify those who merely contribute to issues instead of remedying the source of the issues. Moreover, your statements and arguments are devoid of any rational or veritable fundamental bases. I’d prefer you just commented without swearing or insulting people.

      I can only wish you and other females who lack the requisite intellect to positively contribute to this conversation good luck. I wish I could say that engagement and education would improve your understanding of our community’s issues but your comments demonstrate the contrary.

      This sentiment also applies to @Southerngyrl.

  54. I’ve dated multiple races my entire adult life and I have to say that black males and females have a long way to go if they are to want to have a healthy relationship together. Feom my experience (and I’m a black female), ego plays a part on both sides. On the BM side you have the need to lead and be catered to and on the BW side you have the old school fighting with the new school way of interacting with a man. When it all comes together in a relationship it looks like a really bad session of a board “game”. I prefer to date outside of my race personally. Less games.

    1. Kat, go play in traffic.

      You act like you're different than most black women when it comes to this issue. And you drop the fact that you date outside of your race like it's a cure-all to this dysfunction.

      Good luck getting married with your interracial-marriage chasin' azz! I'm sure the white boys, latinos, and jews are having a whole lot of fun running through you.

  55. @realtalk

    Telling me to go play in traffic because I have an opinion on the matter is very immature. Online no one would know either way who is good and who is bad but I fall in the category of good. My past is plagued with heartache especially from the hands of black men. I grew up in a broken home. I also grew up being surrounded by all races etc. My opinion above is based on my own experience. At 21 while in the military I was raped on a military installation by a black man. This did not stop me from dating another black many years later. I have just noticed from my own experience that the relationships between black men and black women through my own experience and other friends experiences is usually not in harmony as it was when my my mother was dating at my age. I’m an emotional giver in a relationship. I am personally looking for a relationship where I can grow from another individual and viva versa. I find when I’m in a relationship with a black man there are commitment issues from his end. Most of the relationships I had with black men never ended in marriage even through I had met the parents and gone through the typical courting gestures. They usually call it commitment phobia. Society has changed a lot and I’m 41 now and no children and never married. I was in a relationship with a black man from November 2011-July 2013. He could not make up his mind about me. He is 49 and Air Force retired and still running the street. I was as supportive as I could have been but I was neglected, he compared me to non black women a lot. His friends didn’t approve of me because I was black and so were they. I think if black men feel it’s necessary to compare a black women to non black women then it shouldn’t be terrible for me to find someone to love no matter the color. I prefer dating outside of my race. I think back on the non black men I’ve dated and my heart didn’t sink or shatter as much as it did when I was with a black man. And yes the ego has a lot to do with it.

    1. Yet you're still single with no man of any color. Seems to me that you're the person with issues. Until you rectify your issues internally, non-black men are going to be no better for you.

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