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Can You Really Do Better Than Your Ex?

13

 man begging with flower for love

A little over a week ago I participated in a panel discussion about Love, Cheating and #Scandal. There was a great crowd and the conversation was enjoyable. I’m not going to rehash that because truth be told, y’all should have came to the event; I even posted about it on the blog. Anyway… there was one point where someone shared their reasons for staying with a cheater and it came down to this feeling that she didn’t feel she could do any better than her Ex or that she was with the person that she deserved. That made a lot of the men there sad, myself included.

But you know what? Her story really isn’t the only story like that. It happens to men too. Men stay in relationships with women that they will admit are “crazy” or “not all that smart” or “annoying” because they are literally convinced they can’t do any better. They’ll put looks over everything and anytime someone questions their decision to stay they answer… “She bad tho.” Bad meaning good, but only relegated to her aesthetically good parts.



I been there before; I’ve sat with those demons and I’ve had to deal with those thoughts and worries. Could I really ever do better than this girl who is my now Ex? When you’re just coming out of a breakup and you’re sure that you don’t have an ounce of chance to get back with that person you hit that rock bottom point. That point where you’re most likely going to try and convince yourself that you just need more time or that you’re just fine being single but in reality it’s the fear that you can’t do better than your ex that’s holding you back.

Somebody at the event last Wednesday brought this up but he really summed it up, you can never really allow yourself to think that you can’t do better. You have to have the power to think that if that last option was the very best that you could do then you probably would be with them. (Disclaimer: If you realize that that was the best option for you, then you best do your best to get back right.) However, once you’ve made that decision to move on past your last relationship, you’ve got to get the quan in your heart that you’re going to do better.

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I felt like the best way to really write this post would be to tell it from my experience. Like real talk, all of this is true story, no let me conjure up an example to make this post sound really nice.

Nonetheless, here are three reasons why you can’t do better than your ex:

Check below –

You ain’t had a heart to heart with yourself about why the relationship ended –

When I first broke up with one of my exes I swore up and down that it was the fact that she was still a girl and I had grown to be a man. I couldn’t hit the side of a barn when I was shooting at women at happy hour. I had my moment though, I had to realize that the reason why it ended is because I wanted to be a knucklehead in the streets in my mid-twenties instead of a boyfriend. After that I realized that I ended a good thing and never to let that happen again.

You refuse to make any changes in yourself convinced that you’ll find someone to love you for you –

I broke up with an ex one time because our communication styles were completely different. I hated talking about stuff; and believed actions speak louder than words. While she was always bringing up every little detail for discussion, I wanted her to be more like a Chief-of-Staff and just take care it without bothering me. Even after the relationship, I still thought we broke up because she was nitpicky; that was until I realized that open communication was key to a relationship.

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You still want to get back with your ex –

I definitely wasted what was supposed to be the best years of my life thinking that I should get back with my ex. I kept thinking that every time I was dating someone new, “I really wish I could just get back with my ex.” I created this image in my head that she was perfect and that’s what the mold of any girl after her should have. That ain’t work at all. I had to get it through my hard head that she ain’t want to be with me and that I didn’t need to be wanting to be with her.

I feel right now, in my personal opinion, that my Ex-Factor is low. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t go away, it just gets to the point where it’s manageable. I credit all that progress to really being able to get from up under myself, heavy liquor, a Kanye or Drake CD and blogs that will never get published.

Here are three reasons why you can really do better than your ex:

Check below –

If you were supposed to be with your ex, you’d be with your ex –

There are few circumstances when people break up for no reason and even when that happens it is a clear sign that you didn’t have the stamina to see it through. In those dark moments when you find clarity, you also find acceptance. Part of acceptance is accepting that things are what they are and there’s nothing you can do to about that now. It just wasn’t meant to be with your ex.

As cliché as it sounds, there’s plenty of fish in the sea –

For some reason, I always break up with my girl when it’s cold. Then it’s always the coldest winter ever because there aren’t any women out on the streets. It’s like I have a tendency to pick hibernation season to want to get my jersey off the rafters. I used to lose sight quick and want to take that step back, but oh… the spring time cometh. The spring time cometh. And that’s all I got to say about that.

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The best is yet to come –

This should come as no surprise but as life goes on, you get better, circumstances get better, and that’s the way the world is supposed to work. You’ll keep growing and you know what the universe will too. It’s very likely that there is somebody out there for you that’s being groomed for greatness just like you and you’ll find them. I had to learn to get myself out of a rut and realize that I was happy because after a relationship I could be excited about the journey to find something better. In a relationship, you don’t have that excitement, you know damn well what you got.

All in all, if you lack the self-esteem or confidence to go out and do better than the last time then none of these reasons will resonate with you. Your reason for why you can’t do better is probably not even on this list. It probably sounds like a 5 year old who mumbles under their breath, “I just can’t.” For the rest of us, a setback is only motivation for a comeback. Let yourself know that you’re a winner and not a loser and that you can do better than your ex.

And when you do… don’t be an ass and post it on social media. Act like you’ve been there before.

Read on one more interesting post – Why I’m Still Single? here!

Comment(13)

  1. i will say this. i learned a long time ago looks aren't the most important factor when pursuing a healthy, loving relationship. its really important but its not the most important. no matter how great your ex is there's always someone that you can vibe with better. i remember once when i broke up with a girl i was feeling a lot. i thought i would never find a woman as fine as her, as smart as her, with the body she had. i was devastated. that was then. looking back i've dealt with a plethora of women better than her.
    My recent post Can conditioning affect religious doctrines?

  2. When it comes to exes I can honestly say that I have never gone back to an ex. they are an ex for a reason. I always think I can do better than the last one. I make sure that I reflect back on that relationship and try to figure out what went wrong and try to improve on myself in the mean time. As time has proven, every woman that I have been with has been better than the one before. I guess i'm just lucky 🙂
    My recent post Fitness Friday

  3. Man fuck this blog. These niggas shock post so hard lol, what sbm groupies are niggas diving into that results in these poorly constructed, stained, Charmin soft square ass opinions?

    1. Myself (and i'm sure lots of other people) find these topics a relief from a monotonous work day, so SBM staff: pls carry on…….as for you Mr. Lahey: it's just not that deep lol

  4. Depending on why we are exes, will always determine if he should have stayed an ex. I do not believe that we are put on this earth to walk alone nor to stay in a position where you are not getting your basic needs me. That is something that I just couldn't do and as I enter into my 30s not something I want to do. The majority of us can do better than an ex if we keep our minds open and cope as needed. Some of ya'll will have a hard time finding better, because ya'll f**ked up a good thing. Lol but it's out there you have to keep on looking.
    My recent post Christmas Series: Christmas songs you should know

  5. I know I'll do better than my ex because with each relationship I learn a little more about myself and what I want, I'd like to think my next one will be my last, realistically I got a couple more to knock out the park, each ex being better than the last because I'll be a better man with each experience. Growth n sh t.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… DEFENSE

  6. Wow I needed this post…got dumped by an ex this past fall and was thinking maybe I should try to get him back because maybe he was the best I could do. However just like you said its cold outside and someone how everyone is booed up in the winter lol but ohhhhh spring I can't wait lol

  7. sure why not? Why can't anybody go from a hyundai to a Lexus (no offense to Hyundai owners) but it's true. Now in some cases you may not get the aesthetically pleasing your ex had, or the sex your ex gave you but you can get the piece of mind that your ex could not give you. Maybe your newbie cooks more/better, cleans, understands and gets you more, is perhaps more loving and caring. And those things to me (the last two especially) is what's important.
    My recent post The 5 Benefits Of Becoming Friends Before Lovers

  8. This is what my friend (nice educated black man) read on his gf blog he didnt know abt:

    You’ve got the softest touch and when you look at me, I can see love overflowing out of your beautiful, kind eyes. You’re everything and so much more I wanted in a guy, you listen to me ramble nonsensical lyrics while I trash your room with ash everywhere. You pick up my call in the middle of the night with gusto even when I repeat the conversation I’ve had with my best friend for the 354678 time. You never once interrupt me or try to hang up. You listen because I am an insomniac and I have nothing at night to do, except making sure people around me are awake too.

    You are everything I ever wanted in a guy, if only I was looking for one. If only my heart was mine to give anymore. If only you were my first boyfriend, I would have made you my last.

    You pay for all the dates and hold doors open for me. You even pulled a chair out for me in McD’s and I wish with all my heart that I could love you, but I can’t. When I am with you and you look into my eyes, I don’t see you. I see a version of me that you see and it strokes my vanity. I flatter myself by toying with the amazing person that you are. When you hold the door out for me, I don’t start to believe that chivalry is still alive. I don’t upgrade my thinking of men. I just walk in and tell myself I am worth a guy like this.

    It’s wrong I guess, but I am like spilled beans on the ground trying to hold myself up, trying to gather my pieces. Trying to sort my shit out. When you keep your arms around me while we watch Star Wars, I don’t dwell on your warmth or take comfort in your presence. I watch the damn movie and feel a piece of weight lying on me. That’s it.

    My brain should shoot my heart heavy bullets but instead I am numb inside. You can’t break an already broken heart. I don’t feel guilty while I nod as you tell me you want to marry me and have a daughter with a nose exactly like mine. I hate my nose and I never plan to get married but I don’t tell you that, because I am busy thinking of him and how I deserved to hear all this piece of crap from him.

    When you hold my hand as we cross the road and you push me on the other side so the car hits you first, I don’t see pretty pink hearts clouding my sight. I feel like I have earned this, even when I haven’t.

    I don’t feel remorse leading you on, I just feel less bored.

    I don’t mean it when I tell you “I love you.” It’s not even in me to love anyone right now.

    I feel like my heart has been ripped apart from my chest and somehow I am relying on you to give it back. The irony is that you don’t even know what it feels like to hold my heart in your palm. He knew, a long while ago he held it there and right now it’s scattered somewhere in the love songs he sang to me, the letters he wrote for me, the cupcakes he bought for me. It’s scattered all around his dorm room and patio and ceiling and windows and chocolate wrappers in his dustbin. Every scrap is his. Every piece is his. Every relic is his.

    Even when I am in your arms, I am his.

    But I won’t tell you that, because if you leave I’ll just miss him more than I do when I’m with you. So I smile at the ice cream you buy for me in your car as you take me for a long drive. I am not even into the pretty roads and lust bushes all around us, I just think of him.

    I try to look at you and see only you but instead all I see is eyes that I wish were like his. I don’t do this deliberately and I really really like you, but that’s all I’ll ever do.

    The reserve for love is jammed up and you and your overflowing love can’t make it move even an inch. Like I said, you are everything I ever wanted in a guy when I was looking for one, but right now all I am looking for is him and you are not him and so I don’t want you.

    I want him. I just want to want you.

    I wish I could say I might start loving you sometime but, you see, I have a thing for assholes. I only fall for guys who stomp on my heart and tear it into tiny little pieces and make my life a living hell. And I rebound with nice, adorable, genuinely honest guys like you.

    I’ve done this before and I’ll do it again.

    I wish I was a better person sometimes, so I wasn’t turning nice guys extinct, so I wasn’t responsible for karma biting me in the ass but it is just beyond my control. I just can’t love someone who loves me and be content with it. I guess that just makes me a girl you should stay away from. I wish it meant we have a future together and that I want a son exactly like you, which by the way I do, just with a different father.

    I wish I could tell you that you’re the man for me and mean it, so I can see your cheeks turn pink and a gentle smile kiss your lips but I can’t. I mean, I can say it, but the meaning it part is the bitch here. Plus, when you’ll inevitably smile I’ll only think of him.

  9. Wow! the post above brought tears to my eyes, and pain in my heart. It is women like that, that crushes a man's trust and heart in women. Why do women fall for the man that cares nothing about her??? It's easy…they have let their hearts and emotions take them over without really knowing this man that they have given their hearts to that didn't deserve it in the first place. I have been guilty of that, but never been with a man just for convenience or feel that "he" owed me anything. I detest women that uses men just to have "someone" there. Get a puppy or kitten. Better yet I feel bad for them, because some of them have become bitter women in the process of getting used. I am in my 40's and I have come across a lot of men that have trust issues because of their ex's and the stunts that they pulled. I hear a lot about women that have been used, but I think men are more guarded against letting new potential loves know this about them. Some men don't want to be labeled as weak or even having a heart at all. Everyone deserves true love. If you happen to come across a good man or woman and you are not ready for the love they are ready to shower you with let them know in a nice caring way. Karma always comes back ten fold when you finally find that one you truly want to be with.

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