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When Dating Is Like Picking Your Poison


pick your poison

Years ago, Marckens P. wrote the post: “What are women really looking for in a man.” Sometimes what womenLOOK for in a man is different from what they really WANT from a man. Why aren’t the two connecting? Because what women notice in a man isn’t necessarily associated with what they will get from a man.  This makes the process of picking a man may feel like picking your poison.

In his post, Marckens distinguished two types of men: men with a “tough guy” imagine and men with a “nice guy” image. Marckens basically delineated that girls who pick the “tough guy” over the “nice guys”  set themselves up for failure: baby mama drama, infidelity and automatic heart break. Marckens suggests that women should look for things other than appearance of “strength and money” in things like gold chains, muscle cars, new J’s and slick talk, and instead look for things like a good job, education, and a nice pair of shoes in a man (a “nice guy”). However, the truth is “nice guys” can be as big of a failure as “tough guys.”

The “tough guy” or men who don’t have a higher education or a high demanding job are more likely to invest time and strong feelings in women and are also more likely to advance their relationship faster. “Nice guys” or men with a higher education, like a masters degree or higher, are more likely to wait longer to get married and are less attentive to their female partner.

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Usually the “nice guys” that Marckens describes in his post are busy with their own jobs and education and themselves which makes it hard for them to make their woman feel needed, wanted and special. Although the “tough guy” may know how to make their women special, guys with lower education or a regular job may present a differ type of problem to women: less security, protection, intellectual conversation and financial stability.Finding a guy with the full package is ideal and not impossible. However, judging men based on having a career and education or having swagger and a child, isn’t the way to go about it either. Neither of those things should make or break the relationship.

Tip for men: Independent women want something that they can’t already provide for themselves, so money and a degree is not always flattering. Care, time and attention is highly desirable. A hard working man who makes a woman feel special is essential, the rest can be subject to change.

My advise to women: don’t base what you are looking for on the outer representation of a man because you will never find what you are REALLY looking for. The real essence of a person is discovered with time and dedication.

Be blessed, spread love,

See Also:  Another Dysfunctional Dating Story


SBM fam, what are your thoughts? Advice you’d give to each of the sexes?

This post originally ran on Seriously, Maybe.


  1. This post could also apply for Men who are picking poison between "Intependent' Women and 'Traditional" Women come 2014……. All this erasing Gender Roles is making 98% of All men and Women PISSED, while the remaining 2% are sailing smoothly under the radar

  2. Lol. My fiance has both qualities. He grew up in the streets but now has his life straightened out. He does his part without all the extra drama. And he is attentive and caring enough to eff me like a pornstar. He is the only man I have come across who can understand my need for committment in the swingers lifestyle. All others think this means free for all. Anyway, we have a great balance. 50/50 chance of it working out no matter what “type” of man you choose.

  3. I've always wondered why people associate being a "nice guy" with having a degree, or being a "thug/bad boy/tough guy" with not having a degree. I always thought that a nice guy was considered as such because of his behavior, not his accomplishments. If women are choosing their mates based on their accomplishments instead of their character, then I can definitely see how dating feels like picking their poison. A man's accomplishments, degree and job are only a part of who he is, and they are not a good indicator of how he will treat a woman in a relationship.

    1. I dunno…I'm partial to a man with a degree. It's not the actual "piece of paper" that gives a guy character, it's the process leading up to it & everything he had to go through to get the degree. Anybody can choose NOT to go to college (which is what most people do). It takes a lot of stick-to-it-ness to actually attend college AND finish. That speaks to a man's character.
      My recent post I’m Actually Glad That I’m Single During The Holidays

      1. Not knocking anyone with degrees, I'm a college student after all. I'm saying people shouldn't make the mistake of assuming a mans accomplishments is an all encompassing example of who he is as a person. The idea that "nice guy" has a degree and "bad guys" don't is an over simplified way of categorizing men. I'm one of the few men in my family who will have a degree, but the men in my family are mostly military personal and small business owners who earned their success without setting foot on a campus.

  4. my advice to men: don't put any woman on a pedestal or as a footstool. treat her as a regular human being. my advice to women: don't put yourself on a pedestal or as a footstool. have some self esteem but at the same time be down to earth. so basically, men and women both need to take a deep look in the mirror to do some self evaluation to center themselves.


  5. Looks are important but not a deal breaker. I just want a kid less man. I don’t have any. I do not want nobody’s else drama. Most men with kids say they don’t have drama. I would believe that if I didn’t have a step parent always drama. Second I have a brother with more than one baby mama so I know better.

    1. If all you want is a kid-less man, then you should have a man by now. If you can’t find a suitable man w/no kids, either you’re looking in the wrong places or you’re being disingenuous about what you want in a man.

  6. I feel that as far as the nice guys go, you have to know how to balance being a nice guy and a good guy. Nice guys end up in the friend zone 9 times out of 10 because either you'll go out of your way to take her here, there, and everywhere and soon you'll become a free outing for her nothing more. OR you'll end up being the on she vents too about some dude she's seeing.

    A hard working man is always a plus but when all your hard work doesn't necessarily translate into a huge cash flow see how hard you'll get with said female. And some hard working men are too consumed with their jobs to give the woman the attention she wants
    My recent post Killer Shoe Game: New Jordans Are To Die For…Literally


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