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5 Pitfalls to Avoid When You First Start Dating

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first-date-conversation
“No, please explain it to me, what’s wrong with using this LivingSocial deal for Nobu?”

The embryonic stage of your courtship, relationship or whatever you call it when you first start dating is quintessentially the most important time. While you’re excited to have met someone new or actually moving on to a new part of your life, it’s a time where you have to make sure you don’t ruin things by getting too far ahead of yourself. There’s nothing that anyone can do about what goes on in your head about your new dating adventure, but the goal is to keep those things from coming out. Once those thoughts turn into actions, things go awry. Here are the Five Things You Should Never Do When You First Start Dating:

1.       Facebook stalk them

It seems as though most people’s first reaction to meeting someone and finding out their last name is to immediately “friend” them on Facebook. After the friendship is complete, ladies go straight into your pictures looking for any recurring faces… like your ex-girlfriend. The men go straight into your pictures looking for Spring Break pictures. Both of these are wrong. Facebook is a great social networking tool, but it shouldn’t replace good old-fashioned getting to know one another.

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2.       Follow them on twitter

Think for a moment what Twitter is about. It’s a status updating platform for people to tell the world everything they’re thinking. While it may seem like a good idea to follow the person you just started dating, don’t you think that’s rushing the process a bit? When people tweet, they don’t necessarily tweet from the heart. There’s also a loss of tone. How do you know if he or she is actually joking around or playing with their friends? You can easily misinterpret them to be a jerk or rude when in reality you just crashed their @’s trying to get an inside scoop.

“Remember Pam? She said, you probably going to get back with your ex. You still talk to her?”

3.       Ask invasive questions

Ask anybody who knows me and they’ll tell you that I believe in boundaries. I’m a little more complex than most guys because I’m very careful not to ask questions that would lead to similar questions being asked back. With that said, when you start to ask questions like, “Why did you break up with your ex-girlfriend?” on the first date, or “So I wanted to ask you about [that embarrassing story from college that they’ve somehow uncovered by doing a deep dive on your past],” you’re way out of line. When people ask me when is the right time to bring up the tough questions, I always say, “When they’re necessary, not when you feel like you need to know.”

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4.       Rush things

The easiest way to get to a meaningful relationship is to develop the relationship organically. Organically means naturally and at a normal pace without any additives. I understand that no one likes idle time. I also understand that people are goal-oriented. But for Pete’s sake, don’t rush the relationship! Take your time, give both yourselves time to want to be in the midst of a relationship. You can’t go from dinner on Friday night, to an early morning text about brunch on Saturday, to “how do you feel about going to 12 o’clock service with me on Sunday?” Take your time, you’ll scare the other person away if you start smothering them out the gate.

5.       Set absurd rules

Steve Harvey time! Let’s get this out of the way right now, Steve Harvey and his 90-day rule is the dumbest sh*t on the planet. You might end up waiting 90-days to have sex with someone. But if that’s a hard rule in your book, you got problems. Let me break this down for you.

If you tell me you’re trying a 90-day rule before you have sex with me, I’m going to ask you a question: “Why?” You’re going to attempt to answer that question and no matter what you say in your head, I’m going to think that in your past you’ve had problems keeping your legs closed. If you need a rule as silly as that one to make sure you make the right decisions when it comes to sex, we can’t date. I’m not saying that you should have sex on the first date. This is when you should have sex: when you’re ready, you trust him, and you know you won’t regret it.

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Guys, you don’t get off easy either (||). I’m snitching. These are our top three rules that make no damn sense:

  1. Don’t talk or chill with each other two days in a row.
  2. If I don’t have sex with her by the third date, it’s a wrap.
  3. Seasonal barriers to relationship. Oh you know what I mean, you’ll be with the girl of your dreams in July, but tell yourself, “I’m going to wait until after Labor Day to wife it down.”

Stop it. Stop all of it, all of it is just ridiculous as hell!

This post originally posted July 2012.

Comment(7)

  1. This list is on point, J. The social media ones are overlooked a lot, espcially when # happens and Nobody meantioned or asked those invasive topic questions beforehand.

    I especially agree with # 5- VERY Underrated. People love to say Follow your Instincts yet resort to Rules because Said Instincts "magically disappear". Maybe SOME people just don't have the Capacity (mental, emotional, psychological) that allows their Instincts to BE Good Judgments (i.e. Blind Leading the Blind, Set in their Ways, etc) IJS.

  2. It is absolutely baffling to me that anyone would take relationship advice from Steve Harvey. How the hell can he tell anyone how long to wait to give up the goods? Did his wife Marjorie wait 90 days before nailing him while he was still married? I think setting rules and time limits and all that crap is childish and it isn't indicative of being an adult capable of controlling themselves and making sound decisions on their own. You really think if a dude just wants to f*ck he won't wait that measly little 3 months while gettin all the poon he wants from other females in the meantime?

  3. #6: Do You.

    By That I Mean, Whatever Your Life Was … B-e-f-o-r-e You Met: Keep Doing That. Live Your Life. Go to Work. Close That Deal. Go to Choir Practice. Bowl With the Team on Tuesdays and Thursdays As Always. Work Out Three Times a Week As Usual. Finish the Book the Started Reading. Keep Getting Your Nails Done Every Thursday. Go to the Barber Shop on Saturday – Get Your Hair Cut – Shoot the Shaat.

    In Short: All These Things Are Reflections of Who You Are and What You Are About. Let the Other Person See and Learn 'You' By Learning A-b-o-u-t Your Life. Dating and Relationships (to me) are About Becoming a Part of the Life of Someone Else. You in Theirs and Theirs in Yours. If the Bond and Attraction is There; You Make Room for Them and They Make Room for You. A Long With the Dates and Conversations and Just Chilling Out You'll Know Pretty Soon What Type Relationship (if any) You'll Have.

    For Me It's About "Actions Speak Louder Than Words". Tell Me Who You Are With Words and I Can Show You Who You Are by What You Do.

    Just My Opinion …

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