I was once in a relationship where it was nearly impossible to continue, but still I couldn’t get myself to leave. We had broken up a couple of times before, but it was never final. Whenever we broke up, we would eventually get back together. I still felt like I loved this girl and still had hope that perhaps this relationship has a future. But boy was I wrong.
I realized I was looking at the relationship from a completely different perspective. If I try to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, I can always put the fact that I love her above all the bad things of the relationship.
With a little research, I came across a book entitled “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.” It resonated with my situation perfectly. Mira, uses a diagnostic approach to deciding whether or not you should stay in a relationship. You answer a few questions and you realize yourself whether or not you should breakup.
Although, this article is not as detailed as the book, here are a few questions that helped me in my decision and I think most people can relate to.
1. Was The Relationship Ever Truly Great?
If your relationship never felt great, then it probably never will in the future. I realized I was never truly happy in the relationship. I was just hoping things would get better. But again, I was wrong.
2. Do you have communication issues?
It’s one thing to have communication problems. It’s an entirely different thing when your partner does not want to work on the communication issues. For me, we had a lot of issues because of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I was willing to work on my communication problem. But you can’t solve a communication problem in a relationship unless both partners decide to work on it.
3. Do they have a complete lack of desire or capability to change?
I do believe that you should accept your partner for who they are. But there are some things that you just can’t accept. It could be their smoking habit, or something serious like a drug or alcohol addiction. If they’ve tried multiple times and failed, or they just don’t have the desire to make any changes in their lives, then it’s best to just leave the relationship and don’t look back.
4. Did your partner hit you more than once?
Although this point doesn’t relate to me, I thought it was an important one to include in the list. If your partner laid hands on you then it’s quite obvious you should leave. But I know a lot of cases where people continue to stay in an abusive relationship. Everyone is allowed one mistake. However, if they hit you more than once, then you know that it’s only going to get worse and its better to breakup.
5. Is your self-esteem lower than before?
Relationships are supposed to help you nurture and grow in your life. However, a bad relationship actually drains you out and takes a toll on your self-esteem. If you find yourself less confident before and think your self-esteem is worse than it was, then you can rest assured that this relationship is not good for you. You must breakup, as soon as possible. This point really hit home with me, because I did find myself drained and less confident than before.
In the end, I chose to breakup. This time, we didn’t reconcile. She did try to get me to come back but I was determined. Now that I look back, making the decision was the hardest part for me. Sticking to it was much easier than I thought it would be.
K Thompson writes about breakups and reconciliation. He has been helping people with breakups for the past two years. You can follow him on facebook or twitter.
I think you made the right decision to leave that relationship. If it doesn't add any value to your life then you should leave. I myself have been there….hoping that things would get better. They almost never do. So I commend you for putting your foot down and sticking to your guns.
I hope everyone has a great Tuesday 🙂
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Thanks for your comment lhather2013. Much appreciated.
Leaving is hard especially when you have invested time and feelings into it. Knowing when and how to walk way is tough but if done successfully can lead to greater rewards.
Yeah. Once I left, things started getting better much faster than I expected.
Not a bad list of questions to use as a barometer to measure the state of your union.
Leaving is hard. But some things require necessary endings.
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Of this list #1 resonates with me the most. In my most recent breakup, the reason I stayed as long as I did was because I had hope in our relationship's potential. We (or at least I) ignore the reality and give the potential too much credit. The nuances that annoyed me about him, I thought things would get better, but they didn't. I'm unmarried but want to be married one day. My test is simple: if you aren't marriage material, you're not boyfriend material for me either. I won't date someone seriously who I cannot picture myself marrying.
#1 was one of the biggest reason for me as well. I always kept hope that things will be better in the future.
Word. I had to leave my last relationship because of how abusive my girl got. The root cause was my fault for not being honest with her in the past, but once I had turn myself around she had just become such an emotionally abusive person that I couldn't stick around anymore.
Kudos to leaving an abusive relationship. Thanks for your comment.
I can relate to #’s 1-3. I ended my relationship years ago because the
person I was with didn’t please me mentally, emotionally, physically, &
SEXUALLY. Just couldn’t deal with it anymore plus the constant nagging and
arguing it was just too much. She definitely wasn’t wife material at all.
I also take blame as well because I wasn’t the best boyfriend and quite
frankly I didn’t know how to be a boyfriend. I disrespected her on several
occasions but in the end I forgave myself and moved on. Now I’m in a loving
relationship with the woman of my dreams and within a year I plan on asking for her hand in marriage. Word to the wise; never settle for anyone that’s
an option until you find THE ONE.
i don't think anyone really likes to break up even when it is absolutely necessary. however you must be brave enough to make the best decision for you in that moment. thankfully you got it right this time
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I wish I had this checklist about 7 years ago lol..thanks for sharing this. Plus, many times people WON'T change if they know you'll keep coming back to them.
It’s not a bad list to breakup or not. This is really nice question..
this is really nice post. thanks for sharing
Toxic relationships are the worst and probably most of us have experienced some. Unfortunately. The most interesting thing is this weird state, where you know you have to leave in your best interest but at the same time feel those strong shackles which make you stay.
This is very intresting article