Home Advice Should A Woman’s Past Ever Have An Expiration Date?

Should A Woman’s Past Ever Have An Expiration Date?

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should a woman's past matter

 

Twitter at times  can be one of the most useful tools ever for a writer. For me, it seems to give me random inspirations. It was last week that I came across a tweet from a young lady. It wasn’t directed at me, it was just her thinking out loud. I won’t disclose her name, but it got me to thinking. Now I may be paraphrasing but it read: “There’s this guy I really like and we really get along great but he says we can’t be together because of my past.” Now for the record, when this young lady refers to her past I don’t know what she’s referring to. I can put two and two together and have a good idea of what she’s referring to. I don’t know this woman. What I do know is that she seems to have known this guy for a bit and that she feels that her worst days are behind her. After having read that I happened to see a tweet from @Grownzone that read “Be honest about your past, but never honor it above your present & your future. Love YOU more in #2014 #Nextdecisionbetter.” That tweet  echoes many of my sentiments in a nutshell.

As a man, I’m very much aware of how men internalize a woman’s past whether it be infidelity, promiscuity, or deceit. I just feel that we can’t treat all cases the same for a number of reasons. First off I simply think that we all deserve the opportunity to improve our lives.

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No matter what we’ve done, we deserve a chance to get things right.

In this woman’s case I’m not saying that this guy should have to take her on. I am saying that this young lady deserves the chance to be happy like anyone else if she has grown from past experiences.

I know scenarios like this always come down to a matter of preference. I know many of the fellas who do read this site might feel like “fuck that bitch.” You’re well within your rights to feel however you like. It just boggled my mind that we can define a person totally solely off a part of their life. We do this while not considering any other facet of their being. Is a sexual history the only barometer at which we should measure compatibility of mates? Does nothing else matter? Better yet, isn’t it possible that people can change?

I participated in a twitter chat last week called #menchat run by @Iamjaymayo. The debate on that night was good girls vs bad girls. This debate is one that’ll always come around the bend. A main part of the discussion was clearly defining what was a good woman and what was a bad one. With the scenario I have brought forth today, I ask if a good woman can turn bad and vice versa. If it is possible then should the woman in my story be given a chance?

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We have all done things that we aren’t proud of.

I guess I’m sticking up for the ladies who are just trying to get it right.To be fair, as a man I will never be scrutinized as much as a woman. I just feel like men as a whole think there’s only one way to skin a cat. We think we have all the answers. We can perfectly weed out bad girls from good ones. It’s reminiscent of me telling ladies that they can’t weed out all bad men through celibacy. There’s never a foolproof way to know it all.

Ultimately it’s our choice who we decide to commit to.

In making that choice I think it’s important to note that it’s your happiness and her happiness that matter. I’m a firm believer in making decisions for yourself. If things go awry, then there’s a lesson to be learned. It’s alright to note that things can end up really well as well.

To my ladies reading this, have you ever been in this situation? What I see here is a woman who isn’t shying from her faults. She embraces her truth and in that has some disappointment. Have you ladies ever missed out on a guy due to what he considered being a checkered past? If you can’t get with my thought process I understand. I just wanted to voice my concerns on the topic.

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Must a period of a woman’s life follow her to her dying days? Let’s talk about it.

These are my words and I make no apologies….happy new year!

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status

 

 

 

Comment(74)

    1. Point blank period. Women want to go out there and have all this "fun" like they assume men do but then want to up and get married like nothing happened. Why would a man wife a women with a large number of sexual partners with the large selection there is in today's world. Would you want a baby coming out of the same place 30+ dudes have been in…

      1. Maybe because a woman with a large number of partners isn't her only or defining quality and you have no idea behind the circumstances that caused the large number. What do you mean like nothing happened? When you get into a new relationship or get back with someone don't you go on like nothing happened? What are they supposed to do, make a large announcement or be put out to the stocks first?

        1. This comment from Jazmatazz makes no sense at all. If every woman thinks like you, they will have hundreds of partners. Why would people always have to blame something for their useless and unscrupulous and slutty ways??? everyone has choice to make, you made a chioce to become a slut and no one wants to listen to the reason why you slept with many people. Give me a break! DO YOU EVEN THINK BEFORE YOU TALK??!!! WHAT CAN BE THE REASON WHY A WOMAN WILL SLEEP WITH LARGE NUMBER OF WOMEN!!!! You are insane for to think there could be a reason for someone to have large sexual partners!!

  1. I honestly believe that what a person does before they’re with you has nothing to do with you or the nature of your relationship. If that person chooses to hate their past with you, you should welcome their honesty and my judge them. Everyone’s done their fair amount of dirt(believe me, I definitely did), but that person should also have the chance to change and be a different person without their past hanging over their heads. That’s unfair. Just my opinion!

  2. I think it comes down to person strength.
    The strength not to ask, because frankly it's none of your (or my) business.
    The strength, should you find out, that you can stick by the person (I'm also assuming you love and have faith in this person).
    The strength to ignore the outside chatter.

  3. @damnpops between @WisdomIsMisery & @DrJayJack

    I really like a lot of your posts. But respectfully, I gotta hit you with the "whatever homey".

    1. We live in a result-driven society (America). So, for the most part, we don't care about the HOW/WHY you got there, it is about WHAT you got, tangible and/or intangible.

    We don't care about HOW/WHY you got CUTE.

    You are a CUTE woman/Handsome man and I/she am/is interested.

    We don't care about the fact that you are the archetypal NICE GUY (TM), AND HOW/WHY you got there, and that you have a job/car/home, great father, dutiful husband.

    You are unattractive & I would rather risk my life & well being with this THUG, and be a RELATIONSHIP WAR VET, apart of the domestic violence community.

    I say all that to say this, WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH A CHARITY CASE WOMAN, who has slept (oral/anal/intercourse) with more men than I am comfortable with, has a few s-xtapes around, has MENTAL ISSUES, and feels like she is entitled to a decent man now, that she is old(30+), wack & sometimes with proof of her wayward lifestyle (children)?

    We have no problem (as men & women) dismissing MEN from a woman's dating pool FOR ANY reason, serious or frivolous, but men are wrong for saying no thanks to a HARLOT.

    So, no a woman's past does NOT have an expiration date, and if she is NOT willing to fully forthright with her past, she should not date said man.

    So be careful how you write your history book.

    These types of women need to stick to the men/simps who are willing to have them.

    But that is too easy & logical.

    Good Day/Good Post

  4. For me it's about honesty and remorse. I am able to freely discuss my past. Further, I am truly sorry about the things that I have done that hurt a handful of women, and that was displeasing to God. If a woman can give me the same, if all other things are well, I can at least give her a shot.
    The problem is, many women I've encountered either lie about their pasts (which always eventually comes out if you are a decent listener) or those who are honest are proud to the point of almost bragging about their pasts (see "feminism").
    In summary @DamnPops, depending on her level of honesty and personal accountability, this woman may be worth a shot.

  5. How can you think about the future if you’re stuck in the past? I think that people are too brainwashed into believing that all females that are marriage worthy need to be clean and have a small amount of partners. Well here comes that double standard that men can be as promiscuous as they want but a woman should not. I’m not taking sides but we are all entitled to the same type of freedom here. Your past should not define you but rather shape you into a better person.

    1. cosign on Everything Cher said. Unfortunately though it seems that more men subscribe to the double standard than not. We all have our "idea" person that we want. Especially when u talk about long term commitments. The reality is, many men will sleep with just about any woman they like and find attractive, but date her seriously and marry her, not very often.

    2. Cher of course for some men this is a double standard . I know there are plenty of male whores out there who think they should have a virgin wife. I see it like this a man shouldn’t hold his woman to standards he has never held himself to. If you slept with every girl on the cheerleading team, don’t get testy when you find out your woman slept with the whole basketball team.

      As a woman you can do whatever you want with your body, some men will accept that and respect it and some won’t . It’s no different then men who don’t want to date celibate women or virgins . No different than a woman who wouldn’t want to date a man whose dated men in the past, or has been to jail, or has a history of drug abuse .

      People don’t have to give you a chance. If they choose to great if they don’t so be it. As far as women accepting men’s past, that’s a woman’s choice, no one is holding a gun to these women’s head and telling them ” yup deal with that past cheater , liar or whore”. Mia didn’t have to marry Lance , heck she could have left him in college but she choose to stay because she wanted to . When you choose to deal with someone’s past you are making a choice on your own, your partner may not extend the same sympathy.

      1. Smilez here is the caveat to all that….not one human being on Gods green earth is perfect. Unless ur Mother Theresa or Jesus you have a past. So the reality is this, you will have to deal with something. Granted u can choose what it is you deal with regarding relationships and what u don't, but u will have to deal with some issues. I had a male friend who is so super picky and his standards so high tell me the worse flaw he could deal with was a woman snoring loudly. I laughed in his face and said "good luck with that bro." As someone said on a previous post, were not perfect our damnselves, yet we expect to have this "perfect" mate with little to no flaws, issues, baggage, or past when we have all of that.

        1. In Real Life, you will have a past, issues, baggage, imperfections, etc etc etc. It's what makes us human. There isn't a damn thing u can do to not have sh** happen to you. Some things will be beyond your control. Therefore, at the end of the day, it's not so much about the trials and tribulations you go through in life, but how u handle them.
          For example, me, I've lost both parents and all of my grandparents. I have very little family living. I lost my mom at 10 to Epilepsy and my grandmother at 14 to alzheimers, and my grandfather at 19 to cancer. I had a friend in college who was murdered and a family friend and her son die of full blown Aids. Also had a cousin die of Aids. Lost a whole lot of people close to me that i loved very much. A lot of immediate family and close friends. But guess what, thats life. Stuff happens. Nothing I could do to keep that from happening. All I could do was deal with it in the healthiest way possible, which I have done. Which is why I've never needed any type of counseling or psychotherapy.

        2. At any rate, point is no matter who u get with they will have some issues and imperfections and some bad stuff that happened in their past. Personally I don't see the logic in still holding it against someone what they did as a child or when they were young and still learning and growing. We've all done dumb things when we're young in our teens and early 20's, unless u married very young and were married from 20 to 30 something or ur still married. It's just hypocritical on many levels to shun someone because of what they did in the past. And the very people that do this, many times end up with people who do stupid stuff in the present and future. Either way they still end up dealing with some crap. Damned if u do and damned if u don't.

    3. Double standard exists for a reason: Sperm is cheap, eggs are expensive. Men didn't design it this way, but if women keep denying that irrefutable fact the price of p**sy will continue to plummet.

      As far as if a woman's past matters…ABSOLUTELY. Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and something that is easily accessible to all holds little value. A married friend of mine put it quite simply: if you have a daughter with this woman, would you be comfortable with your daughter inheriting your wife's "decision-making genes"?

      1. lmao at decision making genes. Just because the mother of your child had a child and an abortion at 15 doesn't mean your daughter if u have one would do the same. Hopefully we all grow and mature as we get older and hopefully we are Not the same people we are in our 40's as we are at 19 and in our early 20's. If anything I've known women who were teen moms when they were young and raised their girls to be the opposite and enforced education and school and their daughters became very successful. My mom had me at 19, but she stressed to me the importance of education and making good decisions. I've never been married and I have no kids and I'm knocking on 40's door. I have a degree and working on more degrees and owning and renting out properties and have my own place, car and everything else.

      2. Dr. Kno for the record, many women who were single teenage moms raise very successful and wonderful kids. Those 2 doctors who both made a pact to stick together and be successful and grew up to be dentists with their own practice. Judge Mathis and Judge Mablean. She was in a very physically abusive marriage. I'm sure her children are very successful and of course she became a judge. Again unless you allow it to, your past doesn't have to dictate your present and future.

      3. One other point Dr. Kno is this. History doesn't have to repeat itself. It will only do so if we repeat it. If we do whats necessary to not repeat mistakes of the past, then they should not be repeated and become bad habits. I'm not saying that you should deal with a person who has unhealthy addictions or anything of the sort. I do know that people can learn from mistakes, grow, evolve, and change for the better. Seen it happen many many times.

  6. I think the double standards out of men are fuccin crazy I greatly appreciate the fact that you stood up for us as females everyone deserves a second chance everyone has made mistakes nota single soul on earth is perfect so to judge a person is asinine…. Just my thoughts though

    1. “I think the double standards out of men are fuccin crazy….”

      Be careful not to complain about the double standards when (in relationships) women typically come out ahead… common law, alimony, the ability to put a man in jail by merely shedding a tear…etc

      So, maybe in that regard we want someone who has less “ricky rotation”, “drama diaries “or “cut a b!tch chronicles”, if you will. I can forgive your college hoe-dom…I mean, at least you were in college but…babies, arrests, restraining orders? There is no expiration date on that ish.

      “…everyone deserves a second chance”

      Yep. But we all know that there are things that we can do to permanently put ourselves on that lower rung of the dating pool.

      “…to judge a person is asinine”

      That’s a general statement, and generally I agree but were talking about dating, you sure as hell better judge. Your judgment (right or wrong) is all you got.

      1. “ That’s a general statement, and generally I agree but were talking about dating, you sure as hell better judge. Your judgment (right or wrong) is all you got.”

        This right here^^^^. If you are going to be a part of my life, I have the right to judge if the baggage you are bringing with you is worth my time. Of course things you do in your younger days shouldn’t be held over you forever. But something’s are going to be deal breakers for people. Get over it, it’s your past you’re the only person that has to accept it, everyone else has a choice. Also everything from the past doesn’t always disappear; traces of the past still linger in the present. Look at Kim K, people still joke here and there about that sex tape that Ray J leaked. Kanye loves her so he pays it no mind.

        1. And when the shoe is on the other foot and your judged then what………We judge yet we don't want to be judged.
          I wouldn't use the word we have every right to "judge." I would say we do have every right to choose the type of person we deal with, especially if its long-term. But again, the problem is people are looking for the "ideal" person with hardly anything, and not many people like that exist. Not only that, probably if u did get with that type of person they would bore you because they would have no colorful stories to share. We typically learn or most valuable lessons from mistakes we've made. What have u learned if you've made no mistakes and nothing bad has ever happened to you and you've never been through anything? How can you teach anyone anything if you haven't learned anything to teach? If we handle them in a healthy manner and learn from our mistakes, trials and tribulations they can actually make us stronger, better and wiser. Not that I've went to jail or been through any major stuff besides all of the deaths in my family, but personally speaking, what I've been through has made me better, not worse.

        2. “I wouldn't use the word we have every right to "judge." I would say we do have every right to choose the type of person we deal with.”

          There is no choice without a judgment.

          To be clear, this is different from being “judgmental” which doesn’t produce anything more than a “high horse “feeling of superiority. Evaluating a person’s past and smelling that questionable milk in the fridge are both tools used for the sake of judgment and that judgment will be used to make a choice.

          “…the problem is people are looking for the "ideal" person with hardly anything”

          I’ll take no coca use, past abusive relationships, kids, felonies (white collar…hmmm), past wanna be porn stars, straight up nut house resident…etc. for starters. Most things under that could probably be reasoned out by most men.

  7. I didn’t think I was conservative until I read your posts. Pasts don’t have expiration dates and it’s foolish to believe they do. It does make dating all the harder in this time of social media because people don’t have the good sense to be discreet. That’s why it’s called dirt! Your supposed to be ashamed of it. Everyone makes mistakes or has that night/ person they’d like to forget but what your talking about seems to be some who chose a lifestyle and now because their born again (in their opinion) they want to be excused of their past ( did they do whatever it is sooo much it’s public? Walk in a room and get the “oh that’s her? She’s the stuff of legends…”)

    Unfortunately we can pretend to be as enlightened as we want but the rules are the rules because they work. If she truly has changed then she’ll be someone else and travel in different circles. She won’t be someone’s punch line. She will then have the option how she shares her sordid past with whoever she falls for. Hopefully she has used the skills she has honed well enough that he won’t care (poor dude!)

  8. I think it depends on what your past entails. No one should try to hold it over your head, but there are something’s that happened in your past that I need to know about because it’s probably playing a role in your present. For example someone asked on twitter, do you need to know if your partner has ever slept with someone of the same sex ( even if it was just once). I would want to know that. Or have you been with someone close to me ( family / BFF ) , I need to know that.

    I think people have to live with the choices they make and understand that certain choices you make now may affect you later on. If someone choose to deal with it then fine, if not so be it, neither person is in the wrong.

    If a man loves you he won’t worry about your past. If he’s worried about your past then he just isn’t the one for you.

    I think women tend to not worry about men’s past as much because most women assume men have done some shady stuff, basically the whole men spreading themselves far and wide. Plus I think some women take pride in being chosen over all the women a man might have done dirty in his past . I think men look at a woman’s past and go ” I don’t want that to be me”.

  9. As I said the other day pasts are a convenient out and only matter if he chooses to allow it. As a suitor its my right to look past her crazy ugrad days as much as it'd be my right to fall back because she got 4 kids/4 daddies. All you can do is be forthcoming and show growth from the experience but the ball is always in their court and there's nothing u can do about it.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… RESOLUTION

  10. This one is short for me. At the point of which you should have known better everything counts and stays on your record. Life is cumulative. If someone wants to hold it against you there’s nothing you can do about that, you did it, you knew better.

    I told my boy the other day, I’m baffled at women sometimes who want you to move past things they did in their past. Especially when I’m like I’ve never done anything in my life that I would want people to forget or don’t feel comfortable talking about.

    That’s how I roll. But others can roll how they see fit.

    1. Many men would greatly appreciate if women could move past their past as well.
      I'm sure in the Best Man Lance thanked his lucky stars that Mia got past all the women he was with before and during her and possibly after they were married. The worst Mia did was sleep with Harper one time.

      1. And Bree, in those situations like where Lance wants Mia to move past all the women he had in his past, that's silly. She doesn't have to move past that because it wasn't about the women in his past it was more like the fact that he had a girlfriend and was a constant cheater.

        Therefore, if I was with a woman and I knew that in her past she had a boyfriend that she constantly cheated on… like many times over… that's something that would never have an expiration date. It's not about the number of people she slept with but the way in which she slept with them.

        1. Doc J people change. Just like Lance changed. Once Mia had his heart and he fell in love with her it wasn't too long before he cut all of those women off and was faithful and loyal to her. I'm not saying cheating is right, be it a man or a woman who cheats.
          However, I think some people who are in long-lasting and happy relationships are able to see past a persons past and faults. They realize that person has a good heart and is a good person deep down. Not to mention the reason for the checkered past could be one that makes sense once u know all the facts and the reasons why that person did what they did. Like for ex if a person stripped in college or something. I've learned to find out why people do what they do and go from there. We all make mistakes and screw up. It doesn't make us bad people. Just means we're human with flaws and we dont' know it all and we're not perfect. But not everyone that does bad things is a bad person. I know that sounds like I'm really reaching and its hard to comprehend. But I've gotten to know all the various facets of some people's personalities. I've learned there is usually much more to a person than meets the eye.

  11. One thing I notice about this “past conversation” is that 9 times out of ten it’s the guys with the most skeletons in his closet that have problem with a woman’s past . Like your past is just as scandalous as or even worse than hers.

    Also what time frame of the past are you starting from? Like are you holding things against a woman that she did in high school / college and she’s almost 30. Or are you just looking at her immediate past like last year?

    1. Good question. I think it's case sensitive. I couldn't say. I just know people do things in ignorance in their former years. They may not have looked at the big picture from the jump as Jay or a may do.

  12. We all have a past, some more salacious and scandalous than others…and the some, not so much. Regardless, it all boils down to what you can or cannot accept about a person's past. __Keep in mind, their past may or may not be an indicator of who and what they are. That one person you're involved with who you contemplate throwing away because of their past just might be a God-given-gift to you….what SHOULD matters is if they are good to you and for you.__We all have preferences and choices – no need to apologize or be judged for them – it is what it is. Plenty of women want you to accept any and every thing about them while nitpicking things about you. some men do the same thing.__So….whatchagonnado folks?

  13. For me, it really is about what's going on now. Is your past still hovering over your life?

    You can't move past being a chex offender who must join a registry. You can't move past having 5 baby mothers. You can't move past wispers and eyes in a room cause your stripper/chex tape was found on YouTube. You can't move past everything. Somethings WILL follow you and you'll have to learn to keep living anyway…not allowing it to keep you from moving forward.

    HOWEVER, there are things that I worked hard not to have following me. So, excuse me if I refuse to permanently take on your stuff. Some things I can deal with. Like basically, I've met you after you've distanced yourself from it so much that it's barely noticable. But, some things…naw man. And since I'm like that, I can't hate on a man for carrying it the same way. Choices have consequences. That's life.

    1. HOWEVER, there are things that I worked hard not to have following me. So, excuse me if I refuse to permanently take on your stuff. <<< Your past becomes our past once we get in a relationship. Perfect example Best Man 2

      1. That's exactly where I pulled that from, Smilez, lol.

        I'll also say that I'm not really down to talk about the specifics of a date's chexual past. If he's presented his clean bill of health and he's not coming off like he's a man ho, I'm good. If a dude starts probing for info about my exploits, I doubt if I'd open that door for conversation…and I don't even have anything to hide, lol. I'd tell him that my private life with him is private and that I give others that same respect.

        You don't have to join every party you're invited to…

        1. Cyn, only thing I disagree with is this: I do feel that once your in a serious, committed, sexual relationship with someone where marriage is on the horizon you should discuss some things about your sexual history and what your into. Right now a cowrker of mine is going through a divorce. One of the things she mentioned was that after a few years into her marriage it became obvious that her husband was into group sex and orgies. I asked her, "did u not know this when you were dating him.?" She said, "No it was never discussed." Even if just for the sake of knowing what the man is into sexually and what he likes and doesn't like I do want to know. I also definitely want to know if he has ever done anything remotely sexual with another man. I asked those questions once there is talk of a serious relationship. I know a few people who discovered their spouse was bisexual after the fact all because they never asked and it wasn't discussed.
          By the same token men need to ask women questions to ensure that she will do what he likes and wants when and how he wants it sexually if they were to marry.

        2. I think you can discuss your chexual preferences without going into the specifics of who you did it with and how many times it happened, lol.

          And I will never ask a man if he's slept with a man. I will make it known that that's a deal breaker for me though…when we discuss deal breakers.

          Through the art of conversation, you can get all the info you need without getting into all the specifics of your chexual history.

  14. Fortunately, I have never been in this situation, because I knew that if I messed up, that later down the line I would think "what man would want to marry a woman who does this and this and that". I was a prude basically. I'm not so much a prude anymore, but I don't think there's much for someone to dismiss me on, besides the fact that I haven't had any super long-term relationship and I'm 28 years old (no relationship lasted longer than 2 years, and some men see that as a red flag).
    Most of us judge people by their past. No one wants to add a lot of baggage to their own baggage. Know what I mean? I will not date a man with a felony, or with a domestic violence case, or who admits to have had a crazy amount of one night stands.
    Also, "PAST" is vague. Was it 5 years ago? 10 years ago? That plays a big part on some things. Most things are forgiveable. But if you really like that person, who knows what you'll accept and forgive.

    1. We chose to make those decisions in our past and we knew it would have some effect, or just didn't care. Now that it's time to settle down and get serious and they feel they have changed, they feel entitled to a relationship or a specific someone. We were taught as children that what we do will ultimately shape our future. Deal with it. Find someone who accepts you for you. There's plenty.

  15. I mean, should your past have an expiration date? If you past you aren't proud about, but are honest about it and are working towards bettering yourself then yes. But if you hoping that your past doesn't come out and are trying to stuff skeletons in your closet then no. Because no man or woman is going to want to be in a position where they are blindsided by something from your past that you lied about or omitted. At the same time, I feel that everyone is entitled to happiness as long as you're honest about everything, because not doing so is jeopardizing someone else's. And if there is a man that isn't willing to take you on based on your past, then leave him be because that relationship probably wouldn't go anywhere anyway. And dudes, if a woman's past is bothering you to the point where you would reconsider a relationship, tell her so you don't waste anyone's time.

  16. I'm of the mind that "the past is a good indicator of future behavior". How many people truly behave a certain way throughout their 20's, but then truly flip the script 180, once they hit their 30's, barring something extreme? Like Cyn alluded to, some things you just can't shake, especially if it is engrained in your personality or made you who you are today (for better or worse).

    Another running theme I've notice when topics like these come up on blogs, is that it's the men who are told to "man up" and instantly accept their woman's promiscuous/cheating past, whether they want to or not, else they're not a "real man".

    However, if the script was reverse (the man in the relationship was known to hit women in his past relationships, hired prostitutes, set up women for casual sex under the illusion of a serious relationship, etc etc) would women be so quick to respond with the cliche "the past is the past, it's none of his/her business" rhetoric?

  17. This is where "right, but stupid" comes in: People are right when they say their past shouldn't be held against them, but stupid when 9 times out of 10, people knew what the possible consequences were well before they went in. Society didn't just wake up and have an expectation of how women carried themselves, just like it didn't just wake up and make up an arbitrary expectation of men as well. We know this to be true because people have been complaining about what they are able/not able to do because of the fear of being labeled.

    With that being said, everybody has a choice in this situation, and they cannot control the choice of the other person, which is IMO the latter part is what people have the biggest problem with. The truth is that we can't choose the consequences of our choices which is why we have to make better choices. Women have the right to wild out and be jumpoffs and sleep with whoever they want just like they have the right not to, and men (who typically are the pursuers) equally have the right to choose/ not choose those women as well.
    My recent post New friends

  18. A woman's past may or may not matter depending on what you want out of them. If they have a history that shows disloyalty to her man then that's terrible. The case I'm about to present assumes that loyalty to you as her man is there so you don't have to worry about her not being with you 100%. The most popular textbook example is "a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed."

    My housemate dated a solid 9 piece that was a very good girl, she could count the guys she slept with before him on one hand. But as a result she was a terrible kisser, didn't give head and was wack in bed. She never had an orgasm and couldn't even open up to trying new things to relax and be comfortable with her body in the bedroom. Bottom 5 sex type of stuff, she was a cuddler and a trophy in public, but that's where it ended. Thought alcohol was nasty and didn't like to party or even give a dub to her man when they actually went out to a party.

    Society tells you to go for Type B with a mix of Type X….but tells you to turn down Type X if they have actual work experience. The 100% truth is that if men want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed they have to get a lady who has some freak stuff in her past. The quicker everyone realizes this the better off we'll all be.

    It's easy to find mild mannered pretty women, and if you aren't really into none of that extra lusty stuff cool ur good to go. But if you want a girl to be a pornstar when the lights are off, you might want to learn how to be comfortable with her having had threesomes and all types of other stuff before you started messing with her.

  19. "Must a period of a woman’s life follow her to her dying days?"

    Well the past has no expiration date. Your past is your history, whatever happened in your past will be remembered by someone. We all have skeletons in our closets, but when YOUR skeletons come out your closet and start following ME around like it's World War Z, we have a problem. A person's past can and often does affect your future. It's unreasonable to expect someone to automatically embrace a past that may prove detrimental to them. Sure it's romantic and politically correct, but unreasonable all the same. The only person who truly has to accept your past is you.

  20. women lie about their past or downplay it anyway.

    i used to care about a chick who hoed out in the past, but now it doesnt matter. since I'm not trying to wife or commit anyway, its pretty irrelevant. In fact, I might prefer a chick who has a little ho in her just because it means she prolly has some good sexual experience and might be fun in the bed.

    then again, most guys arent really that picky about it unless they are looking for a wife or just insecure. Women are responsible for the majority of slut shaming– if she had a checkered past, she'll get judged more harshly by her non-friend female peers.

  21. I think definitely everyones past should and usually does have an expiration date. Rarely will anyone bring up what u did in ur teens and twenties when ur in ur 40s and 50's. It reaches a point where ur older, wiser and it doesn't matter much. Personally I subscribe to the quote, "It's not where you've been, but where your going." There are a number of situations and circumstances where someone gave you a chance. Maybe it was in college when u should have actually failed that class, or a job that you really weren't that qualified for but you got anyway. Maybe someone cosigned for you for your first car or whatever. Point is, somebody, somewhere gave you a chance, why not give someone else a chance. If they mess that chance up, then thats on them. But how will you ever know who the person really is if you don't give them a chance. No matter who u get with your taking a chance. Sure you can do x, y and z to lessen the amount of crap you deal with. But at the end of the day, there are no guarantees.

  22. This is another of those examples where I just don’t have these issues in my circle. Who sits down and asks all these questions?? Like if I met you and got to know you, fell for you and we are gonna start messing around. We have that let’s get testes convo, get results and then agree to be exclusive going forward. The end. Are grown men really out here asking for a list and details of every experience?!? If so I’d say grow up. Because in reality you will never know everything about someone’s past. Even the most innocent of women has something you probably don’t want nor need to hear. This convo is the epitome of childish in my hole opinion.

  23. For MANY of us in here the whole "only God can Judge Me" is not even on the mind!!!! Fascinating :-/

    Now, I have know from a young age (4yrs old) that We All Judge or at least Subliminally Live/Play Life out like Chess; some play Checkers but the jest is that Getting Close to Someone [should] take Thoughtful Consideration(s) and much Internal Reflection (Costs vs Rewards).

    I believe in Karma so I don't Judge much on a Woman's Pas, or anyone else in general so that I don't get Judged beyond what's Necessary. I know that Judgment is Subjective depending on one individual to the next, so My Gauge is Mine to Alter or Lower as I See Fit…. IJS

  24. If a woman was with a man who was tall, handsome, articulate, cool , no kids, great job, decent money she would probably be in love……… Until she finds out that the guy used to sleep with other men.

    The same disgust that women have towards being in a relationship with a guy who used to dabble with other men is the same disgust that honorable men have with women who have had a gamut of men knock the bottom out of her box.

    It is a double standard and a good one. The male is not like the female. We have different rules and regulations.

    Most women although they would never admit it, will almost always overlook a mans extreme body count so long as it doesn’t involve other men. Conversely, a man will almost always overlook a woman’s past sexual orientation and other quirks do long as the neighborhood hasn’t ran through her. This is because we have a God given standard on what each gender Should/should not do.

    So should a woman’s Past always follow her? Only the body count.

    A man who sleeps with a 100 women will be his same ole self, physically and mentally. A penis thats been through many women looks the same as it did before the random vagina assaults.

    A vagina that’s been hit with 3 penises has a dramatic difference, and let’s not speak on the emotional issues women have after a few encounters.

  25. Well I haven't made the best decisions in my life, especially around the time I was 16-18. I had a mother on drugs, was passed around in foster care and family members, and seemed to look in all the wrongs places for love. In all reality it's never really caused any issues in my dating, due to fact that Im so open and honest about everything. If anything, I get the "damn I've never met a chick so blunt before"……At the end of the day, if someone has a strong sense of self it wouldn't bother them if someone of the opposite sex chooses not to date them, it's same thing with meeting people in general, they simply weren't meant to be in your life. It's people out here who will choose not to date you simply based on your skin color, culture, occupation, religious affiliation, etc.. Im 27 now, have 2 beautiful kids (same dad by the way lol) and I try and focus on raising my daughter to be a sophisticated and respectful young lady. Plus I think for most parents, regardless of what your past, having children really puts things into perspective. In order to teach respect, manners, integrity, responsibility we as parents have to embody that ourselves and carry ourselves with those principles in all we do, especially dating.

  26. While I don't think people should be judged too harshly based on their past, I don't think the past should be completely washed away. I saw video footage of Draya saying that her "hoeness" was wiped away after a certain amount of time…which I found hilarious. Like I said we are not our past behaviors but consider this: the BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior so it's useful to understand a person's past but not let it define them.
    My recent post Should You Have Sex on the First Night?

  27. While I don't think people should be judged too harshly based on their past, I don't think the past should be completely washed away. I saw video footage of Draya saying that her "hoeness" was wiped away after a certain amount of time…which I found hilarious. Like I said we are not our past behaviors but consider this: the BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior so it's useful to understand a person's past but not let it define them.
    My recent post Should You Have Sex on the First Night?

  28. I'm 26 days late, but Happy New Year to you as well. First off, I have not been in this situation. However, I don't think that someone should be judged or miss out on their chance for love because of their past. I do respect the person who will tell them that they don't want to be with them due to that past.

    I will play devil's advocate: Maybe that young man turned the "twitter girl" down for reasons that we don't know. She may not be so far removed from her past. Some people like to 'move on' too quick without giving themselves enough recovery/rebuild time. Maybe she has changed but there are still some factors that remain in the present that would forever remind him of those times.

    Or maybe, he can't get past some things. He may appreciate her change but feel that some intimate parts will be conflicted by his thoughts of the 'other' people that have been there…I don't know. Either way, I don't knock him, or any person that makes that decision, for staying away. Props to her for changing. But maybe she needs to wait and invest in a person that will see beyond her past.

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