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I Was The Side Chick & Didn’t Even Know It

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angry-black-woman

I met him at a community event where his company was one of the vendors. I was walking around, networking like I usually do when he and I started a conversation about the event. We somehow got on the subject of relationships (totally random, I know). I started talking about how good Black men were hard to come by and he thought that we should continue this conversation over dinner. I gave him my phone number and we agreed to go out sooner rather than later. As our schedules would have it, our first date ended up being that very same evening, within just a few short hours of meeting.

We met up for dinner at a local restaurant and spent hours sitting in our booth laughing, talking and cracking jokes with each other. We just seemed to click. Any awkward silences we had were never really awkward. After dinner, he walked me to my car and we went our separate ways but promised to go out again soon. All in all I had a really good time with him & felt a connection that I hadn’t felt in a long time with anyone else.

Over the next few months we would go out every week – usually to dinner or some event around town. As time went on he suggested going out more frequently, up to 3-4 times a week. Because of my work schedule, I was able to meet with him earlier in the day and because of his work schedule our dinners never went too long into the night. I knew where he worked & where he lived and I felt like this could be the beginning of a long-term relationship.

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But after a couple of months of dating him, I began to notice some things that didn’t seem right. For example, he never answered the phone after 10:00/10:30 pm, because he claimed he liked to get up early to go work out (and I certainly wasn’t going to get up extra early to prove him wrong). Shoot, I would’ve been lucky to even get a text from him at that hour. Also, he never seemed to be available during certain days or weekends (although I attributed that to time he was spending with his son). Plus he talked about me becoming his girl, but he never introduced me to any of his boys.  And sometimes when I asked him where he was after work, he would tell me that he was at happy hour alone, which seemed strange. Why not invite me?  Was there someone else he was seeing? I know that we weren’t in a committed relationship or anything, but I still didn’t know what to make of it all. Since I had no  evidence of anything, I figured all of my suspicions were just that – suspicions.

One day, we were out having brunch when one of his friends recognized him. They dapped it up but he failed to introduce me. He didn’t introduce me as a friend, a colleague, nothing. That’s when I knew something was definitely up. After his friend left the table, I confronted him. Why didn’t he introduce me? Was I some type of “hidden secret?” What was really going on? After looking at everyone & everything in the restaurant BUT me, he started off with “I didn’t want to have to tell you like this, but….” What he said after that blew my mind.

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It turns out that I was the side chick! Apparently, he never stopped seeing his baby mama. He claimed not to have any feelings for her but the only reason he was still with her was because of their son. He wanted to be there for his son and wasn’t ready to cut things off just yet because he was afraid of what his son’s mother might do (especially since he owned his own business). This didn’t make any sense to me. You told me that you’re over this woman but you’re still frontin’ like you’re in a relationship with her so that you don’t have to pay child support? C’mon! I thought when a man was truly done with a woman, he was done. Most men don’t stay in a relationship with a woman they don’t want to be with just for the sake of getting out of child support, do they? I might expect this from someone closer to my own age (early 30’s) but he is in his 40’s. At what age do men stop these lies?

So what does this mean? Am I “that chick?” How could I have not known that he was already seeing someone else? Surely there were signs that I missed or red flags I refused to see. I didn’t get it, because I know that I’m not “side-chick” material. I was raised to show respect and be respected by any man that I dated. I never gave off any “part-time lover” vibe. I don’t understand why he thought I wouldn’t find out or more importantly, that I would be okay with the whole situation.

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So, do I stay or do I go? In the end, he swore to me that his “situation” was temporary & that he was going to end things with her soon. He told me that he really cared for me and wanted our relationship to continue (albeit on the side). Although I really liked him & knew that I would miss him, I told him that I couldn’t continue to see him as long as he was in his “situation.”  If he wanted to be with me I needed to be his only woman.

Chocolate Vent
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Comment(27)

  1. Get out of there. Take it as a life lesson and go on. Can't let him get away with such a grievous offense. The "side chick who didn't know she was a side chick" situation is actually pretty common. Next time you know what to look for.

  2. "So, do I stay or do I go?"

    Are your really even asking this question? Seriously? He has kept this from you for months and likely would never have said anything had his friend not shown up and it put his back into the corner. So why would you even consider staying with a man like that? Nothing is that good; sex, conversation, companionship, etc; that you should stay with someone that would lie to you like that…..and for months!?!?! Nah son!

    On another note…another year is upon us and in less than a month there are going to be many women that are going to discover that that are neither the only one or even #1. February 14th 2014….Side Chick Awareness Day

    1. Too funny! I love it. I have to share it!!! I'm gonna honor this day for real on the 14th by sharing information with the hopeful but naïve. This really isn't rocket science cause the signs are always there and they don't change. Lack of availability or structured availability is a woman's number one sign that she's part of a harem. We gotta be a little less emotional and a little more analytical!

  3. It happens. I will say that I don’t think women always fall into the side chick role because they are “side chick material” sometimes things aren’t always what they seem and women looking to be number 1, find out there’s another woman who has filled the position. You saw the signs, followed your instincts and didn’t get distracted by the bs he was feeding you and the attention he was showing you. Even though his finally offer sounded tempting, you knew it would lead to one lie after another.

    Sometimes you can do all the right things in life and dating and still bump into a few jerks.

    1. "Sometimes you can do all the right things in life and dating and still bump into a few jerks."

      *waves church fan dramatically*

  4. should you stay or should you go?

    well, of course you should stay….IF you like being the side chick. LOL

    It all depends on what you want out of this situational non-relationship relationshp.

    My guess is you want to be MORE than the SIDECHICK…but..I could be wrong.

    As for still being with his baby mama for his kids' sake? ____________Okay. Riiiiiiiiggggght.

  5. Several thoughts
    1. 3-4 times a week seems a bit much to be seeing someone Ur not with, too available never bodes well
    2. There's no "side chick" vibe, men who stray are merely complementing what they aren't getting
    3. I never got the whole older men thing, usually they been there done that and just want to have fun like their women counterparts
    4. sounds like he's grooming a replacement before he leaves ol girl
    5. If his homeboy dapped and kept it moving, I don't see why an introduction was in order
    6. From ur usual comments I think u know what to do…
    My recent post Today’s Word is… HONOR

  6. So you should definitely go. If he is comfortable lying to you about this, then he'll probably lie about something else. I hate when that happens. You come across a guy who seems alright but turns out that he's a tool. The signs where there but unfortunately we give people the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully you haven't fallen too deep and can pick up your feelings and drop him cold turkey.
    My recent post We need a resolution:New Year’s Resolutions are a waste of time

  7. "So, do I stay or do I go?"

    RUN. GIRL.. RUN!!!!

    If you stay with him best believe he will drag his feet in ending things with his babymomma because you have basically accepted the situation and the positon therefore he will keep feeding you "I need more time baby" BS knowing as time progresses you will have fallen deeper for him.

    If I were you I would leave him alone and tell him once he gets his shyte in order he can holla but until then don't call me; if he is really serious about you he will do just that.

  8. She did leave

    "He told me that he really cared for me and wanted our relationship to continue (albeit on the side). Although I really liked him & knew that I would miss him, I told him that I couldn’t continue to see him as long as he was in his “situation.” If he wanted to be with me I needed to be his only woman."

    I mean we've all been in messed up situations where we asked "what should I do" "should I stay or go" she made a good choice and did'nt stay.

  9. “He wanted to be there for his son…because he was afraid of what his son’s mother might do”

    From what I’ve heard, this is kind of a real thing. It must be where, “it’s cheaper to keep her” originated. I've known men to cut all ties for someone new that they care about… Sadly it seems to end via the post child support broke-ness and the stress that accompanies that.

    “I was raised to show respect and be respected by any man that I dated.”

    He didn’t disrespect you. He withheld info. Let’s keep it in perspective.

    “he swore to me that his “situation” was temporary & that he was going to end things with her soon.”

    I didn’t read “stay or go” as a real question. What sucks is the reality that, dogs do eat homework, women apparently do get headaches and somewhere (every effin week) someone hits the lottery. A BS excuse is only considered BS because of its un-likeliness. In short, there’s a chance.

    …and I know you lost a contact lens with all that eye rolling you got goin on over there but the comments were getting monotonous…

    1. I have to agree with this above all of the other comments I've read.

      Relationships are not black and white, especially when there are children involved. We need to stop viewing relationships in such a cut and dry way. Sure, he was dead wrong for lying to you and that is not something that you should take lightly or even accept. However, that does not automatically eliminate the possibility that he truly had respect for you and that his strong feelings for you were real.

      I have seen several situations where a person is completely over the father/mother of their children and has been for a while and legitimately falls in love with another person, but the other parent is holding their mutual children over them, like ransom. Child support and custody are very real things. Some people want to have the luxury of living with and raising their children everyday. The only way that can happen is if you live with the other parent. That doesn't necessarily mean that they're in love with or attracted to their baby mother/father. It could mean that they don't want to risk losing a certain relationship with their child, or don't want to deal with having the other parent manipulating them by controlling their finances and children.

      Either way, it is obviously a very sticky situation and no one should have to deal with all of that baggage and having someone that is so capable of lying to you for so long is a huge red flag.

      1. Yea, I definitely agree with relationships not being so black and white. With time my communication skills have improved and grown. In addition to that the depth of my conversations have increased as well. We can't read minds, and making assumptions gets you no where. So ask questions and observe.

        I don't like giving someone an answer, because it detracts from their own personal growth and utilizing their power of choice. I just challenge people to pose more questions to themselves and those around them. Whatever decision they choose is their own. Thank you sharing your story!

        1. tion is can you deal with this type of baggage and is it even worth it. No offense, but crazy baby mama's aren’t fun to deal with. It's already an adjustment dating someone with a child, but not that person's ex has no type of act right. I think I would pass just like the woman in this article. Maybe he should focus on getting his baggage in order (baby mama), going to see lawyers and work things out before he starts searching for someone new.

          Of course people go through things but he needs to get his personal affairs in order as best as possible before he’s trying to bring someone else in his mess. And let’s be real he’s probably still sleeping with his child’s mother , a lot of that extra attitude, hate and resentment comes from a man playing house in a place he doesn’t want to call home. Let’s say she did stay and continue to date him, how long is she suppose to put her life on hold and be a secret, I mean what if his child’s mother is forever angry, then what?

  10. Lol. So you would be ok if he breaks up with his baby’s mother for you? I would not want a man who would make a baby with a woman, string her along emotionally, and then look for a replacement instead of breaking up. If you want a good man, why would you tell a liar/cheater that you need him to break up with his woman in order to be with you?? So if he gets rid of his “situation”, then what? He gets with you and your old title (side biatch) is up for grabs. You are way too old for this. Women are starting to accept way too much bs. But they do say old age makes women more desperate. I bet you still communicate as a “friend”, aka backup plan. Just waiting for him to become single. And you females wonder why you stay single, being played. Smh.

  11. I was in the same situation… I almost thought I wrote this story myself. Let it go… you will be hurt beyond believe. He will never leave. He will always use the kids as an excuse when really he just doesn't want to leave his kids mother, wife or whomever it is. Save yourself the heartbreak and move on. You're not in too deep yet.

  12. I would let him be. How can you in one statement profess to not be "side-chick material" but then ask should you stay or should you go? It is not about being that girl but more about boundaries and refusing to put up with foolishness. If a man whom wants a side-chick finds a woman fine with being a said side chick then that is that. If you want more then leave it be. The signs were all there. Perhaps due to arrogance you failed to notice. What I mean is perhaps intuition was telling you all along something wasn't right but because you feel you aren't "side-chick material you simply wouldn't believe your own eyes.

  13. "So what does this mean? Am I “that chick?” How could I have not known that he was already seeing someone else? Surely there were signs that I missed or red flags I refused to see. I didn’t get it, because I know that I’m not “side-chick” material. I was raised to show respect and be respected by any man that I dated. I never gave off any “part-time lover” vibe. I don’t understand why he thought I wouldn’t find out or more importantly, that I would be okay with the whole situation."

    It means this dudes a liar. I know I'm late to this post, but girl it's not you, it's him. He doesn't super human powers that zero in on women who are side chick material – men like this are predictable & they usually have a slew of women they USE to patch of their battered lil' egos. You are not the only one. What he did was he saw you, decided to take a gamble (like he always does), lied, manipulated & deceived you (like he always does) to get you into a position where you're doubting yourself & who you are as a woman?? – do not take his foolishness onto yourself!!!! These kind of men are skilled at mind games & deceit & making women feel like there's something wrong w/ themselves. You didn't do anything to cause him to ask you out & make you think he was single- that's HIS character that's lacking, now if you stay you'll be stooping to his level & settling for less than what you want, but if you leave it may hurt for a lil' but you'll leave yourself available for someone you truly deserve. God bless.

  14. I AM IN THIS SITUATION NOW. I HAD NO IDEAL WHAT WAS GOING ON. WE DATED FOR 8 MONTHS AND I HAD A KEY TO HIS HOUSR AND WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER. MY WORK SCHEDULE IS 12 HOURS I HAVE A SHORT WEEK AND A LONG WEEK. I GUESS ON MY WORK DAYS HE WAS WITH BM AND OFF DAYS WITH ME. HE FINALLY TOLD ME HIM AND HIS BM WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HE WANTS TO LEAVE BUT HE CAN’T PICTURE HIS DAUGHTER AROUND ANOTHER MAN AND HOW HIS BM IS USED TO THUGS AND HE CAN’T HAVE THAT. I ASS ACCEPTED LIKE A DUMB ASS AND NOW I AM THE SIDE CHICK. I FEEL LIKE I’M THE WOMAN WE SPEND GOLIDAYS TOGETHER WERE GOING TO ATLANTA FOR ARE BIRTHDAYS I HAVE A HOUSE KEY SO I KIND OF BELIEVE HIM.

  15. I LOVE HIM AND I ALWAYS TELL HIM THAT HE IS SELFISH BECAUSE HE WANT LET HER GO AND NOW HE IS TORN IN BETWEEN THE TWO. IF I TALK ABOUT GETTING A MAN HE GOES CRAZY. HE IS GREAT WITH MY SON AND IT HURTS ME BUT I GO ALONG WITH IT. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

  16. Sounds like the same situation that I just got out of. My now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the only one and that he wanted to have a family with me. Talking about how he visualizes us together in a home with a baby. Yes, he played the baby card too. I went along with it for a about a year and half, but when he moved to another city without telling me, I knew something was not right. Men will call it insecurities. Women call it intuitions. And my intuition told me he was lying to me. I found out through facebook, that he shared a woman's pick to his page. I asked him about it. I even asked him if she was his girlfriend. He told me to chill, that she was his people, (whatever that means). I was like OK. Needless to say I did not believe him. I even went so far as to message the other woman (woman to woman) about their involvement with one another. She gave me an indication that they were not dating, but hell she could have been lying too! She told me that IF we were dating, good luck with that.
    Needless to say, in situations like this both the man and the woman you have questions about can play head games. AND men can play this game well into their 50s and 60s….

    I am learning… and best believe I am keeping watch to see what else will happen.

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