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Fight or Flight: The Break Up Reflex

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My break up  was over sex and religion.

We’d had the conversation several times before – even before we got together, but we kept going back to the bedroom. The flesh is weak like that! Eventually, I started feeling really convicted over the sex. The last time I approached her about it, she knew I was serious (for the moment), She said it was fine and she wouldn’t leave – that she understood, that it would be OK. Within 3 days, things got rough and she broke up with me. She said the only reasons a man stops sleeping with a woman are he is cheating, has something (STI), or religion. Her final words were, “This is not what I signed up for. I don’t want to come between you and God.” She literally gave me an ultimatum between sex and God. I chose my God. When directly given a choice between the two, I refused to comprise on my faith. She wasn’t worth the fight if that’s what she wanted to fight over. So here I am reflecting on past relationships and why we choose to fight for them, or not.

The survival fight-or-flight instinct is an automatic reaction that occurs in response to a harmful attack or threat to survival. It’s a really cool theory; it protects us from being hurt – and I think it also applies to relationships. I won’t claim to be a relationship expert, but I have experienced my fair share of them. And when they are ending, you have two options:  fight for the relationship, or walk away.

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We’ve all been through relationships and breakups. It’s a part of life. Unless you married your high school sweetheart, most of us will have more failed relationships than successful ones. We have to go through a few Miss Right-Nows before we find our Queens. However, failed relationships teach us a lot – what we will and won’t put up with and what we do and don’t like. They are learning experiences and we should hope not to repeat the same mistakes. But what’s really important is why we break up. When I was dumped – after the raw emotions subsided — I took some time to think about why the relationship ended and why I didn’t fight for it. When people break up, I believe the reasons fit into two main categories: things you are willing to change and things you can’t.  Based on the reason, you can decide whether to fight and fix the problem, or fly because the situation is beyond your control.

As a man, my natural tendency is to fight, regardless of the reason for the breakup. It’s the “how dare you dump me” reflex. There’s absolutely no reason behind that other than male ego and pride. Sad but true. An immature man might win a woman back just to breakup with her on his terms. However, in reality there are only certain things that are worth fighting for: the things you are willing to change and are worth changing. The worthiness of those changes is based on your commitment to the situation. If your girl tells you she needs more attention, needs you to listen, or needs a commitment, those are things you can change, if you want. If she’s crying out for you, more than likely she doesn’t want to end it; she just wants you to step up.

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Now if she starts talking about personality traits, your appearance, your kids, or your faith – there’s only so much you can do about those things. You could try to be a different person and change your personality – be nicer, kinder, funnier, meaner, etc. But unless you’ve really gone through some type of transformation, the new you won’t last long.  You could lose weight, dress differently, and grow hair. This change is a little bit more achievable, but is it really who you are? Kids – I hope you wouldn’t disown your off spring over a woman, but I’ve seen that done too. I’m personally a little weary of a woman who doesn’t have custody of her kids. And faith? I’m Christian and I refuse to compromise on that, but if your woman gives you an ultimatum between her and your faith that’s a choice you have to make on your own. I’m definitely not beyond sin, and I’ll probably sin again, but given a direct choice, I’ll choose my God every time.

So you can choose to fight, or fly. It’s definitely your choice, but take the time to think before you act and don’t let it be merely a reflex. If you choose to fight, make sure it’s what you really want and have a plan that addresses her concerns.  And if the situation ends, make sure you learned something from it. There’s no reason for us to repeat mistakes.

See Also:  The consequences of s*x and relationship blogging

SBM family, what are your thoughts?

-Trans

Trans-ParenSEE is a 30 yr old southern gentleman with a sharp mind and a sarcastic tongue. This poet and blogger is a realistic but hopeless romantic that that writes about real life from his prospective. Writing is his therapeutic escape to reality.

Website: Trans-ParenSEE.blogspot.com
Email: [email protected]
Twitter: @Transparensee06

Comment(12)

  1. Actions speak louder than words…so if a woman isn't showing me with her actions that she wants our relationship to work, then i'm not going to fight for anything. It may hurt but I have to let that go. I have made lots of mistakes in the past when it came to my relationships….but now that I look back I know what to do and not do.

    I'm just like the author….i'm not going to compromise my faith for anyone. Someone will accept me for who I am and vice versa. Once that happens i'm sure I will fight for that relationship…until then I will do me and enjoy life 🙂
    My recent post Full Friday

  2. Depending how long you have known the guy, it may be hard to believe that he would really give up s*x, especially when you always hear about how guys want it all day everyday. She may have more than likely felt like there was someone else, and sometimes us women have active imaginations. However, if someone is into you enough and they want the same end goal, then they will do what is necessary to achieve it. I don't mind changing small things like chewing with my mouth open, being more tidy, or learning to cook better in order to be a better partner to someone. As people we should always try to grow in life because that's what mature adults do. However, the core you shouldn't change unless it's for the better and unless you desire it.
    My recent post Freedom of speech is okay until you piss someone off

    1. a woman assuming that all guys want sex all day every day is a huge assumption. sex should be a conversation though, with no judgements. we all find pleasure in a myriad of ways. i have learned.

      1. Absolutely it's an assumption. Women have to realize with intelligent men, we have learned not to allowed our sex-drives to dictate our actions, we have seen how dangerous this could be.

        Sidenote: It's not always about you (women).

  3. I'll be honest, initially I felt as if there was something you weren't elaborating in regards to where you two were butting heads on. So I have a few questions: Did you explain that you were weren't cheating (if you weren't)? Did you both get tested together, or separately and have a conversation? What does your religion say about sex? And finally, how old were you in this relationship?

    I remember being celibate throughout my teens and into college and ladies having a problem with that. Obviously my opinion has changed about sex and my relationship with God has grown.

    This is definitely a good post. More often than not those in relationship give up fairly easy without trying to examine the totality of the relationship. Thanks for sharing!

  4. My take is this: If you still have feelings for the woman or man but you know things won't work just be sure what you want to do because it's tough to part when you have feelings for someone. And don't let it just be physical feelings either—in other words because the cutty or d*ck is good but everything else sucks, no reason to stay either. If you have no more to give and you're not being given anything anymore, time to leave
    My recent post 8 Ways To Say It Loud, I’m Black and I’m Proud!

  5. Thanks everyone for your comments. This is my first SBM post.

    @AlacrityAmir, there’s plenty more to elaborate on, but here’s the short answers to your questions:

    -yes, I explained I wasn’t cheating.

    -no, we didn’t get tested together. She actually accused me of calling her a “hoe” when I asked about it.

    -my religion says no sex outside of marriage

    -I was about 27 at the time.

    1. Again, thanks for sharing. Good to see it was a conversation. Her accusation of you calling her a hoe, might have been an defense mechanism. Testing should always be a conversation. I don't care if I'm messing with someone who has never had sex before. She's getting tested. If that's what you feel strongly about, that is, "no sex outside of marriage", then you need to have someone who will support you in that. I know how you feel.

  6. So glad I found this post! I'm a new reader and this is only the second time I've visited this website. You took a part of my life story and told it right up to God's ears, except for I'm a 26yr. old /Female. Your story is so refreshingly honest! I finally had to come to a place in the relationship where I'd had enough and wasn't compromising my faith or settling anymore. Of course it made it clearer and hurt like a death at the same time when he finally told me he had a baby by someone else during the time that God called for me to lock up the pearls no more free ride Mr., yep pumped on the brakes right in the middle of long-term relationship. This guy still has been calling me ever since too, it's been since October of 2012! Which makes it so not a picnic in the park to get over.

  7. wow. this sounds like my situation…except the roles are reversed. she's feeling convicted about having sex even though we did it early (and frequent) at the beginning of the relationship. being who i am, i know i want sex but don't feel right sleeping with someone who would rather have celibacy. Its an issue that is very tough as we both love each other. very tough situatiion. thank you for this post

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