Home Empowerment Can A Woman Help Him Be A “Good Guy” With The Fellas

Can A Woman Help Him Be A “Good Guy” With The Fellas



It is not always easy being the good guy surrounded by an aggressive group of men, who you refer to as your boys, fellas, etc. Being the good guy makes you the perfect “take one for the team” candidate. I find it funny when I’m out with one of my good brothers—as I refer to any male friend, family, or acquaintance—and we happen to have a drink at a local bar. We can be talking about anything, but let a group of women approach and the good guy is thrust into whatever is being explored by the single guys.

I tread lightly on the term “good guy”. Some would define a good guy as one who is in a committed relationship or chooses to be connected to whatever woman he speaks to. I tread lightly because the term may have different meanings for everyone. I digress.

For a long time I was able to hide behind the illusion of being a good guy with intentions of being fully engaged as opposed to my true intentions. Now I am a good guy, but it takes someone special to turn the mirror around and have you face yourself. Hiding behind this illusion allowed me to selfishly create connections with women who I had no plans of establishing a true relationship with. I was selling a dream I wasn’t providing. In the end I was walking away having been fulfilled, but leaving a disappointed woman in the dust wondering what the hell just happened.

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And then beyond the illusion is reality, standing a loyal, committed, and trusting woman. That is until she discovers the illusion right before her eyes. She understands the trick exposing the illusionist. In being exposed the committed woman may question herself. What is she not providing that would drive her man to seek fulfillment elsewhere? Her self-esteem can quickly become quicksand, and she can drown in sorrow, depression, self-imposed guilt, etc.

It takes a strong, authentic, courageous woman to always see her man at his best, and to push him to that place. When she raises the bar higher, and he doesn’t match; she raises the bar higher. In this day and age, most people choose the easy way out, which is to leave. There is nothing wrong with someone choosing to do that, but if it happens again, they will continue to achieve the same result. That’s like playing in the mud and getting mad when your clothes get dirty. You were playing in mud, so they were bound to get dirty. It’s easy to step out the muddy pit, and wash your clothes off, but it takes a special individual to enjoy both the clean clothes and the muddy experience.

Now I’m not advocating someone stay in a violent or abusive relationship. Sometimes there are issues someone struggles with whose roots run very deep. Until that issue is pinpointed, addressed and uprooted, it will always be there. Liberation isn’t only for the victim, but the victimizer. That changes relationships for both people in the future going forward. What I am advocating is a different approach, though.

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The fellas need to be accountable to the good guy at all times, and not just when it is convenient. Stop surrounding yourself with “yes men” and have the courage to have guys that call you out. On the flipside women need to raise the bar higher. If he doesn’t meet it, raise it higher. If he continues not to meet it, then move on until your vision for who you want to be with materializes into thin air. And if there are issues that run deep for either individual, address them and uproot them, or else the bad fruit that is produced will continue poison those who eat of it. Sometimes addressing the issue is seeing a therapist or a counselor, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Do you continue to raise the bar? Do you hold your friends accountable? Do you check out of relationship, after relationship, at the slightest mistake or flaw? 


  1. Well said, I recently had to come to terms that as good of a guy I thought I was, my circle was full of those who wasn't. We try not to judge ppl but you get tired of ppl wanting to hang with you but won't take their kids out, using u for alibis while they do their dirt, u at work all day they at home chilling
    My recent post Today’s Word is… STRANGER

  2. I figured this would be a challenging post for people to comment on. It was challenging for me to write. A couple of days ago, I wouldn't have been able to be honest about not raising the bar in my relationships. Being comfortable sure is easy. Especially when your buddies aren't holding you to a higher standard either. Continuously checking out of relationships doesn't change the fact that you're not doing what you have to do.

    1. @AA

      I applaud your desire to communicate. I applaud your desire to string together words into a logic sequence of ideas. Hive five, brother.

      That said, I sincerely hope that this post was NOT "challenging for [you] to write." It barely passes for English and certainly does not pass for good writing.

      But, I believe that criticism without guidance is worthless, so:

      1. Purchase, browse and refer regularly to a copy of Garners' Modern American Usage.
      2. Purchase and read The Elements of Style.
      3. Consider the following specific suggestions from your first paragraph (and only your FIRST paragraph).

      It is not always easy being (1) the good guy (2) surrounded by an aggressive group of men (3), who (4) you (5) refer to as your boys, fellas, etc (6). Being the good guy makes you the perfect “take one for the team” candidate (7). I find it funny when I’m out with one of my good brothers (8)—as I refer to any male friend, family, or acquaintance (9) —and we (10) happen to have a drink at a local bar. We can be talking about anything, but let a group of women approach and the good guy is thrust into whatever is being explored by the single guys. (11)

      1. Avoid use of the to be very. It is a generic very standing in place of other verbs that more clearly indicate the actual state of being.
      2. Insert comma.
      3. Unnecessary change from guy to men suggesting meaning/import where there is none.
      4. The difference between who and whom is taught in many classrooms. Please review your notes from high school English. Who is for the subject and whom is for the object.
      5. The reader, to whom I suppose you, AA, are referring when you, AA, say "you" here, does not refer to anyone at all. You do not know your reader. You are conflating your views with those of your reader. This can sometimes be done to great effect, but is rarely helpful in establishing a position and without some initial work put into to establish a rapport with the audience.
      6. Minimize use of "etc" as it suggests you either (a) cannot find a word to capture the meaning you intend or (b) are unable, even in listing examples, of finding appropriate and clear examples. For the sake of clarity, et cetera means "and other things". Using et cetera is a lazy person's way of expressing that he will not complete his thought.
      7. This is an inchoate thought. What exactly is a "perfect 'take one for the team' candidate"?. What differentiates a perfect candidate of that type from an imperfect candidate? What exactly is the candidate taking for the team, the women that are approaching, a drink, teasing?
      8. You are now adding to the earlier list of "boys, fellas, etc". Chose a label that fits and stick to it.
      9. "friend, family, or acquaintance" serves no purpose here. You could say (a) "any male" or (b) "any male I know" and spare us yet another tedious and pointless list. While it is a truism that the "internet loves lists", THIS is not the type of list that truism refers to.
      10. By this point, your unending lists have obliterated any ability of the audience to keep track of your subject, so this pronoun is completely ambiguous.
      11. So completely exhausted I crammed all the rest together.
      Vaugeness: "whatever" … whatever topic? whatever woman, whatever bad writing?
      Lack of logic and continuity: So, this undefined label "good guy" and/or its bearer is/are thrust into "whatever" being explored by the single guys. You have not until this point discussed whether anyone in this collective of masculinity is single. Are all of them single? Has the group broken into subgroups having different discussions among the men in committed relationships and those not so attached?
      Ambiguity and poor grammar command: "Into" is a preposition that indicates position or placement. Is your poor "good guy" being shoved face first into "whatever" is being discussed by the single guys, like let's say a lemon pie?

      Power to the People. The struggle lives on.

      ** Please pardon and typographical or logical errors in this message. It is intended for casual consumption only. Any offense given or taken is strictly the responsibility of the site owners, the aggrieved reader, and the original poster.


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