There was a ton of stuff I wanted to talk about this week; don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere soon. I’ll get around to it pretty soon. Faced with the decision to do a post on why I don’t think watching adult entertainment is a bad thing, that poor white-Asian girl in the yoga class that y’all Black women want dead, or a recent article that talks about why relationships have never been better yet we keep acting like they’re in dire need of repair, I chose to write about background searches on potential dating partners. I had to be a man of my word and since I’ve told a few people who read SBM that I would tackle this topic, I figured I’d get it out of the way. (Plus, we are so OVER this yoga shit, please do not comment about it in the comment section.)
I’ll be brief.
The topic of google’ing or doing a background search on a potential dating partner is quite frankly ridiculous. I mean, it’s 2014 and I know technology is prevalent but we have to keep some things sacred and that’s privacy and courting. Moreover, it speaks to the type of person you date, have dated or would like to date when you have to Google them to see if anything pops up. Is it too hard for you to find out about person the old fashioned way, you know, like face to face? Maybe it is because more and more people are doing this and not even having any shame in their game. It’s disgusting, it’s ugly and it’s foul. In the words of my line brother, it is a hot ass mess.
There’s a few things that I want to point out about this but before I do I want to preface it by saying, I’m very well aware that this post will not change anyone’s mind about snooping on someone’s background. (Didn’t expect me to call it that did you? But that is exactly what it is.) At this point, you’re already set in your ways and the only way you’ll stop is… well let’s get to that later.
Remember this tid piece of information I used to say often and it has now become my favorite quote: “People’s suspicions are deeply rooted in what they would do in similar situations.” Basically what this means as it pertains to background checks, the reason your most likely to do a background search is because you know that you have skeletons in your closet that you don’t want people to find out and you think that it’s possible the person you’re dating does as well. Even if you don’t, you are saying that if you did have something to hide like a marriage, criminal record, or financial hardships you would hide it.
What’s worse than the fact that by doing this you reveal that you have shady tendencies or urges is… WHERE ARE YOU MEETING MEN AT THAT YOU THINK YOU NEED TO DO A BACKGROUND SEARCH? Also, I tell people this next part all the time, WHAT HAVE YOU AND YOUR VAGINA BEEN THROUGH IN THE PAST WHERE YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO PUT THINGS IN IT THAT SHOULDN’T BE TRUSTED? I saw a woman comment last week that she did a background search on a guy and it turned out he had been involved in a quadruple murder. My first thought was, “where did you meet this guy at?” I mean if you’re hanging out at a body shop and there are no cars there, just a bunch of Black men with tattoos; you’re going to meet a few felons. But in all seriousness, a lot of this epidemic is coming from the way people are meeting people. They are meeting people at random and they deploy this logic as if it makes sense:
“I just want to meet a guy who is not in my network or circle. A guy who doesn’t know my friends and someone who we don’t have any mutual friends because I’m tired of having people in my business.”
Well isn’t that the smartest thing you’ve ever thought of in your life, NOT. Why would you date someone with whom you know nothing about? Not even a mutual friend to confirm that he’s actually giving you a real name and not Carlos Danger or Ron Mexico. Would you take a job at a company that NOBODY has ever heard of before? No, but you would take a chance with a man who NOBODY has heard of before, makes sense.
And yes, I am aware that there is always a wolf in sheep clothing lurking around. That not everyone who is bad is hanging around a shady place and very well could be in an affluent area of town, making good money and seem to be a great man. However, when I think of all the times someone has told me that upon completing a background search they found out a crazy past that ended the arrangement, I can count two or three times and I have a ton of female friends. Therefore, if you have had a crazy experience with a guy that surfaced after a background investigation was completed, let’s call it what it is…
There’s a reason they have to travel all around the country to find people who have been catfished; IT DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT OFTEN! I only know two people who have been catfished, 1) was an idiot girl who when she told me about I didn’t even felt bad, she still dates on Blackplanet, 2) is a guy who used to write on this blog a while back, if you’ve been around, you know who it is. (We still ain’t found that chick.)
I’m getting ready to close. Last but not least you can go online and see how many times a certain keyword has been searched lately, you can also sign up to have an alert sent to you every time someone tries to check your credit. Put a pin in that. You can also go around to all of those sites that provide criminal and marriage records and pay to have your name removed from their registry. In a sense, the only person you are going to find a shady past about is an idiot. You shouldn’t need a background search to find out the person you’re dating is an idiot. Also, if I found out that someone tried to search my background, I would break up with them on sight. It would be so bad because I actually have a clean background and think I’m a pretty nice guy.
That’s the biggest flaw in all of this, what happens if you are actually dating a guy who is really nice and he finds out you did that and breaks up with you? Because if you didn’t know by now, that’s what’s going to happen.
Girl: How’s he going to find out that I Google’ed him?
Answer: You’re going to tell him.
And here’s why, what’s the definition of cheating? Anything you wouldn’t want your significant other to find out about. What you mean to tell me is that your misconstrued mind has found that it is perfectly okay to snoop through someone’s personal life and not tell them you did it and that’s perfectly normal. Jesus take the wheel! If you feel comfortable enough doing the search, then have the courage to ask if you can do it so a guy or girl can tell you to your face, “You’re crazy. Don’t bother, I’m out.”
In closing, seriously cut this nonsense with google’ing people out. You’re only yielding marginal returns from it. (For those of you who aren’t following that means you aren’t getting much out of it.) Yes, you may find a shady past every now and then but try your best not to live in a world where you suspect that there’s a shady person trying to trick you. People who fret usually end up experiencing the dangers they hope to avoid. Sit down, have a face to face conversation and get to know someone. If you still don’t trust them after that, they’re not the person for you. And for the love of God, if you and your vagina have been having problems with who and who not to trust, stop dating and seek medical attention. We don’t have time for anymore bad vag politics in 2014.
I agree that googling a person is definitely too much when you first meet them. I think most women try to find men via social media when they first meet. I'd rather meet a person organically and get to know them and eventually if we find each other via social media so be it. But normally friending a guy you just met is a recipe for disaster because a simple comment or emoji on their page can be misconstrued. If you know very little about a person that you feel the need to run a background check that's a HUGE red flag. Great Read.
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I've never googled anyone before, maybe because most of the people I date I already know through mutual friends or social media. I also feel like if there are any past issues someone may want to address, I would rather allow them the opportunity to have that conversation with me at their own discretion.
But that's so limiting. I live in one area of New York, and my boyfriend of 2 years, lives in another corner. We would have never met each other, only because I decided to go to his quiet neighborhood to enjoy the pool one hot summer day.
I disagree with the part of about dating dudes outside your social network. First of all what women is he referring to? The STRONG majority of women I've run across prefer to date men within their circle. It's refreshing to meet a women that would give a dude outside of that circle a fair shot. Second of all, does he realize how hard it is to penetrate some of the non-lame social circles, especially for transplants. The easiest friends to make are usually the lamest people. Most of the cool people I know still kind of hang with their hs/college buddies and are on some Drake ish, so the crew isn't really looking to expand. But that shouldn't mean that the women in those circles shouldn't be receptive to men on the outside.
Maybe I'm biased cause I know I'm a quality dude, and I don't want to have to limit my dating options to "friends of friends", and have to play the crap shoot of whether I "naturally" encounter the type of woman I'm attracted to. I'd like to see a female that is my physical type at Starbucks and have a chance to get it popping.
Well, the first time I googled a guy, his mug shot came up for a domestic assault conviction. So….I beg to differ.
Let me just add, I did find out about another one's recent engagement on facebook. LOL. My current boyfriend, I have done searches, and he's been very open about sharing information and there's trust. I have no need to snoop, almost two years in, but I do believe there's nothing wrong with making sure there is no criminal history, or hidden families.
I beg to differ also. Google is your friend.
I had one guy tell me he made a drastic career change (from law enforcement to sales) in his mid-thirties because he simply wanted to try something new. Google revealed that he had stolen his ex-girlfriend's credit cards and went on a shopping spree and was therefore forced to leave the law enforcement field.
Another guy… Google not only revealed his marriage license but also his registered sex offender mugshot AND his internet postings soliciting other MEN for sex!
Google can save you from investing months (or years) into someone whose character is questionable. Sure they may have divulged these things at some point (perhaps after you've fallen for them or after their "situation" has worked itself out) but I'm not willing to take that chance when a quick search can reveal all, allowing me to make a well-informed decision about whether I want to continue things.
From the post:
"Therefore, if you have had a crazy experience with a guy that surfaced after a background investigation was completed, let’s call it what it is…
I'm not saying that the exceptions to the rule do not exist. What I am saying is that the exceptions occur with enough frequency that everyone that makes it past date #3, goes through the Google process.
An exception that can save your life! Let's not ignore that.
Is googling fool proof or a guaranteed way to avoid all danger? No. But, it can save your life or keep you from harm in the dating world. I thank God for each and every exception I've avoided. For real.
Not really an exception, I've also found bankruptcy notices, porn accounts. This is New York, people do live very interesting lives. Its also nice to read about their accomplishments, on a positive note. My searches bring up my businesses and net worth. I do recommend a simple google search. Its no big deal and its harmless. Companies do it. Anyone who has ever been considered for a position will see that someone will check your online life. Their faces will appear on your linked in account..
Why does it matter if it is an exception? I understand what you are saying, but I don't think statistics apply here. If only one out of twenty men I Google turns out to be a felon, then that one makes all of the other nineteen worth it, because I only live once. One deadly encounter is enough. Do I need to find ten out of twenty of these types to legitimize the risk? Obviously, I am focusing on the extremes here, but risk is real and even greater when one chooses to date outside of their circle. I do not date completely outside of my circle in these times, but for those who do, the argument that Google exposures are only an exception does not mean people should not use it.
You have met two felons. Again I ask, where are you meeting these guys? And why are they attracted to you? That's really weird. Majority of women go their whole lives without having that problem.
Yes, I've went out on dates with two men who turned out to be felons. But I've also dated lots of men who turned out not to be. With 13% of black men being convicted felons, that's just par for the course.
So no, it's not a pattern and no, there's not something about me that's attracting the "wrong" kind of man. But with the experience of knowing there are bad apples in the bunch, everybody gets checked out.
Cosign this entire post.
I'm not gonna totally rehash what I've already said, lol.
But, of course, I disagree with this post. I am not a criminal and have nothing to hide. I've dated folks in and out of my circle. I'm not gonna limit myself to only dating in my circle. But, if I don't know you, you get google'd. The results thus far outweigh every point you've made in this post. Whatever I need to do to feel safer and have peace of mind with a stranger is what I'll do. If the dude can't handle that, we ain't meant to be…and I'm totally fine with that.
So, we'll def have to agree to disagree. 🙂
It’s all about balance. Now should you spend days before your first date Googling someone one to build a case against them … No. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with throwing a persons name in a Google search just for a quick reference. I know if I was someone who was dating and had children I would definitely do a quick Google check. I also don’t have a problem with a man Goggleing me. And let’s be real the first thing people will say if a woman get’s caught up with some sleeze ball and something bad happens is “why didn’t you know his history” why didn’t you check him out first. Social Circles are just a politically correct way to do background checks anyway, the term “Car Fax” that men use to describe a woman’s history wouldn’t exist if dudes weren’t inquiring their own sources.
Now I don’t Google search because most of the dudes I have dated were friends of friends, but even then I take my friends recommendations into consideration in regards to the persons past if a red flag comes up.
"Social Circles are just a politically correct way to do background checks anyway, the term “Car Fax” that men use to describe a woman’s history wouldn’t exist if dudes weren’t inquiring their own sources."
Balance is def key. Agreed.
I agree, it's called social engineering/mining or Cat Fax, I'm quite sure I've heard this phrase somewhere.
Tell the truth and shame the devil, after you Google him!
Put it to you like this, I'm not telling you to date in your circle but it's damn hard to get out of six degrees of separation. If you are so lucky to do that, you tried too hard. All i'm saying is that you shouldn't be that far out of your circle that nobody you know in the world know the person you're dating.
I can guarantee you right now that if I tried, I would find a few mutual contacts that we have and I've never met you. Finding a guy with whom that doesn't exist… well good luck.
So just to be clear, it's not okay to Google someone to get information, but it a-okay to ask your friend's associate's co-worker's second-cousin, who just so happens to know your new boo casually, what he's all about? And that won't freak him out if he catches wind of it but Google's… that's too much?
Lol basically everyone has a way to background check someone to an extent even if it's just glancing at their FB page, or if they give you their twitter, if you ask a friend of a friend. It's all about how you do it.
I have met strangers out and about, Dr. J, lol…and there is nothing wrong with that. Transplants. From a different county. Briefly tried online dating last Summer. From the east side (I live on the west side, lol). I mean, it happens. On the regular? No. But it happens. And, when it does, I google.
I am late to the discussion, but I have to agree. I think people don't understand how unsafe it can be for women who are dating. I will continue googling.
There’s nothing wrong w/ googling people you date. A person who has nothing to hide shouldn’t care?? I know I’ve had guys look me up online & I don’t care cuz I have nothing to hide *shrugs*- the one guy who I chose to trust blindly (no google search before committing) turned out to have a pregnant girlfriend at home, I wish I had followed my instinct & did some research on his triflin erse!
Like it was said in the article, most of the time these come up, they're exceptions. If you google people regularly and you're constantly dodging the bullet, there's something wrong on your end. Your people skills are screwed up. What about people who don't have convictions? Don't rely on Google because it may miss something. And as for fraudsters and felons who are trying to hide, most of those people don't use their real names anyway.
You don't have to waste months or years feeling the person out. Pay attention. WATCH HIS ACTIONS. Truth be told, most crazy people out themselves after a couple of days or weeks. People with things to hide might be harder to discern from everyone else but usually slip up anyway.
Super aggressive or possessive(They'll usually call or make plans with no warning and expect you to drop everything. Then get mad or sad when you decline to meet up. This seems harmless early on but I'm warning you it only gets worse.)
Lies about whereabouts constantly
Has no friends and can't keep new ones. (This is actually a pretty easy and early telltale sign of someone who's mentally unstable or dangerous)
Blowing up your phone unnecessarily
Periodically showing up unannounced soon after you meet them
Hitting up your friends to find or confirm your whereabouts(Huge warning sign if guys do this. They'll lie to your friends saying you were supposed to meet and your phone is off or not picking up. A lot of women will fall for this. Guys by nature are secretive and cover their friends, just in case they are trying to hide.)
Tries to intimidate or pressure you into sex
There will be people who slip through the cracks, but google wouldn't have found them anyway. Pay attention to what they do. A good job and lots of money doesn't make someone a good person. And stop investing everything into someone you met two months ago. You can't possibly know anything about them after such a short time.
This is gold.
I will also say that I would worry more about the people who slip through the crack than the people who don't. In the article I said that a guy who could be found out was an idiot. The guy you want to worry about is the one you can't find anything out about.
Y'all are making a mountain out of a simple concept, lol.
Watching a person's actions is a definite. And most of the time, no, you don't find anything alarming. But, when I do, I, for one, am glad I can full stop the situation right there.
Roll with what works for you.
You're right, it is a simple concept but you'd be surprised how many people can't grasp it. I think it gives people a false sense of security. I've heard about a lot of people's misfortunes and some absolute horror stories. But what bothered me most is that most of these stories were avoidable. Without google. Especially the worst ones. Like Dr. J said the worst ones are the ones you can't find anything about. You have to rely on your judgment and awareness.
If it's that serious, pay for a background check. Much more effective.
For me, this is not about right or wrong. It's a matter of preference/what you're comfortable with/what works for you. I agree that awareness and judgment is important and that google shouldn't give you a false sense of security. However, IMO, it doesn't hurt the situation. If I don't know him, I'm gonna google him…and then do everything else you said…like I've been doing. I'm not spending money on a background check.
I think this is great information, but I also think the concept is being over thought. I think most would agree- especially in this day and age- that a quick google search can save a huge headache in the long run. For example, someone I may have met randomly and made dinner date plans with I may decide to google. Nothing comes up? Cool. On the other hand, I do a name search and google uncovers a social media page which reveals this person in a pretty "loving" relationship. Granted we haven't been dating long enough to pick up any red flags, and do you honestly thing someone playing games like these is going to be forthcoming about their relationship status upon question? Bam- now I have the tools to make the decision of whether or not to attend the dinner date. I think you know the answer to that.
The point is that you can never be too careful- what's 5 minutes of your time to google seach someone? I'm not talking about a psycho-stake out of somebody's house or Catfish-esque digging, following up and image searching, but a simple name search? It may very well save you time that may have otherwise been wasted…or worse. Just my .02
I've never been moved to Google someone I'm dating its like getting answers to an open book test. These days women will tell their life story playing 21 questions on #blacktwitter
I just want to reiterate. If you google a good guy and he finds out about it, he will most likely break things off with you immediately. Take from that whatever you want about the men you Google.
If the man can't see how it can be helpful, he ain't good for me…we ain't good for each other. Which is fine, lol. I'm good with that.
I'm gonna have to post this question to facebook and see what my crowd says about it…
If you're willing to tell someone that you are about to Google them and they are with that, you're right that's a perfect match for you. That point, I can agree with.
Be careful with Facebook. Most people make friends with people who share similar moral and value systems. It's hard to poll them and get anything but a biased response. Most of your friends will agree with you because if they didn't y'all would have a completely different value system. Save some outliers here and there.
I'm not asking to google anyone, lolol. I don't need a person's permission and I'm not giving a heads up. Now, if it comes up in conversation, I'm def honest about it if I did it. And, I have no problem being googled…and I have been. I also have no issue with a man asking our mutual friends about me. I have nothing to hide.
My facebook friends are friends, associates, and folks I've met. So, they have varied lives, values, etc. Do I think it's the best sample of the population? Naw, lol. And I'll take that into consideration…promise. But, I'm def curious about what their responses will be.
Hmmnnn…Question: Why not tell them you are going to google them? its not like they have access to google and can remove the information that you will find before you search it. What repercussions are you afraid of from simply informing them you will google their name?
If he has a problem with being googled, he should ask me up front if that's what I do…if that's a deal breaker/non-negotiable for him. Because his problem with it is his issue to take care of. You don't make other people responsible for your deal breakers. You ask questions and get the information you need.
On my end, I don't even think about it in the moment (first intro) to bring it up…probably cause it doesn't make a difference to me whether he knows I googled him or not.
"If he has a problem with being googled, he should ask me up front if that's what I do…i"
True. On the same token, if you have a problem with someone who has engaged in criminal activity, why not ask them upfront if they're into that?
Why not simply ask those questions along with any other questions concerning things that don't jive well with you?
If there is concern or doubt that the person will be honest with you about these things, then why even bother at all?
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Cause I don't want to, LOL! Cause I'm good with my flow, LOL!
Cause I don't know if he'll be honest or not…cause I don't know him. We're just meeting. And, some things, I'm not gonna leave to chance…hoping that he will be/was honest. I'm gonna google him…and, if nothing crazy comes up, everything else will come up in future discussions *insert all the other stuff ThoughtCriminal was talking about*. If something crazy comes up, we'll never talk again.
Lawd mi granny backfoot.
I'm merely trying to understand the psuedo-stalking rationale my fair lady. lol.
I guess all the men now know who to never leave alone in their room while they go shower. 😉
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I don't snoop through drawers, phones, etc. And, when in relas, I don't police your stuff. At all.
Shows what you know, lol.
I ain't foolin wit you no more tonight, yo, lolol. You don't wanna get it. And that's cool. 😉
Naw, I get you. I'm just giving you a hard time…virtually that is. 😉
Let a dude ask one of these women that's googling dudes their body count lol lets see if their opinions on this topic differ.
Graveyards, ghouls and goblins abound.
Lol.. Funny you know dudes will ask around. And according to some of yall, you already know if a woman has been "around or not". A woman having 30 bodies isn’t equivalent to a man being on the Watch dog list, or a man having a recorded longer than Nikki Minaj weave, or a googling a guy and his other FB pages pops up with pictures of his wife and children.
Yes, Chris. Absolutely.
Call me crazy, but I don't see anything wrong with googling someone. I've done it, but not to necessarily "snoop". I met someone, and all I had was an Instagram name (private), which he happened to use his real name. He had a look to him, that he was "somebody", so I googled to see what popped up. I didn't to a case search on a governmental database on him lol It turns out he was an athlete. So all I took from that is, "Oh, ok, he's an athlete" lol nothing more, nothing less. I honestly just wanted to see pics of him and I got all his stats and teams, etc. I google for social network purposes, do we have mutual friends and to see pics? But to google to actually find information, like criminal records, etc is too long and takes the fun out of getting to know someone.
I google people because i'm nosy and I just feel like today, you probably should. you have sociopath's out here who knows how to work the system, or guys who are in relationships, but perping as single men (yep, i used perp. old school!!!) I mean its cool if you don't have to, but I don't see the harm. I had googled a guy who was booked on a DV. I didn't say anything about it, but he eventually told me about it, and it just kinda reinforced a bit of trust there that he would share it. So I feel like, why not? Intuition is great, but sometimes facts make it so much better.
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"You shouldn’t need a background search to find out the person you’re dating is an idiot."
I can start my weekend now.
Cosign. Pi. Pythagorean theorem and three Hail Marys for this post.
Good gawd almighty this post was spot on.
We live in an age where we rely too heavily on social media outlets for providing information that would otherwise be acquired with basic human interactions. Sure you may have to put forth a little bit of effort and use the archaic and cumbersome ability of actual real life conversation, observation and intuition to actually get to know the person you are interested in. You know, the type of sh*t people used to do in the olden days. Its called life and living….in real life.
Is google helpful? Absolutely. Can it provide information that you would otherwise never find had you put forth some got damn effort into finding out on your own albeit conversation and the right questions? NO. Only difference is the passage of time.
In other words, Google is just a lazy (wo)man's way of dating. Period.
People need to remember how to pick up telephone, not to text, but to converse in addition to spending plenty of time(outside of the bedroom) with the person of interest. Or is the need for instant gratification that pressing that you'd rather go the google route to quickly get the information you seek prior to having a meeting in your bedroom? I mean, since traditional dating takes too long apparently. Me no know. Me no know. Me no bloodclaat know.
Its a mystery how our fore-parents managed to date in a world without google. Technology will be the slow death of basic human interaction. Soon we'll be equipped with scanners an microchips, scanning the wrist of the person of interest that will provide everything from blood type to criminal history to career and education, and we will be relying solely on that scan to determine if the person meets our optimal mating criteria. Fcuk a conversation and a date. lol.
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"Is google helpful? Absolutely. Can it provide information that you would otherwise never find had you put forth some got damn effort into finding out on your own albeit conversation and the right questions? NO. Only difference is the passage of time. In other words, Google is just a lazy (wo)man's way of dating. Period."
I disagree with this. It's not laziness, it's efficiency. Google is a tool that simply reduces the amount of time you may have wasted on an individual; time that could be invested in someone else who's a better fit for you.
And beside, folks lie.Simply asking a man a question like "Are you married?" most likely will not get you a truthful response if they actually are. So yes, I could take him at his word and then spend the next five months scrutinizing his left ring finger, noticing if he calls me on weekends and weeknights, and waiting on an invitation to his home. Or I can spend five minutes making sure no wedding announcements, websites, or marriage licenses pop up when I put his name in a search box. I call that due diligence.
At the end of the day, it's pretty simple: Trust but verify.
Yes, folks lie. However, google doesn't have everything. The cheat code that is google doesn't really help you in the long haul because it promotes social laziness. How are you developing your skills to smell bullshiggity a mile away when the go to is google?
At the end of the day, it's pretty simple: Trust but verify.
And if google yields no result, then you have verified that you can trust this individual?
Seeing that the majority of google searches will yield no result on any given person, you must be one trusting individual.
Besides, if it takes 5 months to determine if someone is married or in another relationship without the aid of technology or some social media outlet, then clearly you have a much bigger problem than 'dating the right person'. Either you aren't paying any attention, aren't doing enough talking and/or listening in your interactions or you are plagued with naivete. Placing your confidence in your Google findings (or non results) isn't going to help you reverse such social ineptitude.
One thing is for sure: You can't google that your man is presently doing wrong by you, or will do wrong by you. Aint enough google algorithms in the world to help you there sistah.
So who will you turn to then? Last I heard, Ms. Cleo is out of business.
Sharpen your wits.
…or be the inspiration for this next cinematic debut…
Tyler Perry presents, "For Heartbroken Women Who Considered Facebook, When Google Aint Enuf."
All Gold Everything: Ladies, What Type Of Man Are You Dating?
Like you said, it's all about semantics.
Google is being used here to encompass one's entire internet presence. Some man's Google search could be clean but his Facebook page is full of foolishness that simply cannot be overlooked. So no, no hits on Google does not equate to instant trust.
And you're correct. Google (or any other internet records) cannot predict if a man will do you wrong. But if a quick search shows that a man's last three girlfriend's took restraining orders out against him… Well, I might just decided that I don't want to wait around to see if history repeats itself. That's not Google making predictions; that's me making an informed prediction about future behavior based on passed actions. And what exactly is wrong with that?
I think what's not being acknowledged here is that the landscape has changed. This is not the same dating scene that our parents encountered. You don't think our parents did their own version of "Googling" in their day? As was mentioned up thread, it was called asking-somebody-that-knows-somebody-that-knows-your-new-friend. Of course they did. It's simply that now we have different resources that can be utilized.
Not everyone has an internet presence is my point. And who is to say that this person you met has provided you with legitimate information about his or herself? I would presume if he was up to no good, there is a likelihood he wouldn't provide you with his real government.
My point is that what internet searches reveal is nothing that you wouldn't have found out yourself with a little bit of basic interaction and attention to cues. It doesn't take 5, 4, or even 2 months of dating interaction to identify undesirable tendencies in someone. People tell on themselves everyday all the time. The real question is are you paying attention when they tell you?
That is what I'm trying to get you to look at. Google may only save you from dating that bad apple 1 out of 50 times. So what do you do for the other 49 times you can't pull dirt on someone online?
I'm not saying don't google, etc. I'm saying people are putting so much faith and confidence in something that is extremely unreliable. The ratios don't point to it being a worthwhile medium of reliance to determine who you should or should not date.
Now unless the person is sloppy as hell with their ongoings, you aint gonna find any real pertinent information on the majority of people you date utilizing social media. You're better off honing your bulsh*t smelling abilities than worrying about the one off's that may or may not show up in your searches.
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I noticed your continual reference to vaginas.
Women are not the only ones that google, men do it too. I've had ex boyfriends pop up on my linkedin page on numerous occasions. And as a person living in the year 2014, I expect that men as well as my employers have googled me from time to time.
And I have absolutely no problem with it.
In fact, I expect it. Whoever doesn't, needs to come to terms with the age that we're living in
and make sure they are more aware and more in control of their internet presence. Catching a hissy fit over something as trivial as this seems a bit absurd to me, honestly. If this is a deal breaker for anyone, perhaps they take themselves a little too seriously and aren't quite ready for the selflessness and perseverance that serious relationships require. In which case, them breaking it off would be a blessing.
Just my two cents.
You are absolutely correct. Many men do it to and it shouldn't be framed as if this is something that only women do.
My only counterargument is that not everyone is plugged into the matrix. Meaning, not everyone has a social media or online presence. Not everyone is in 'the criminal system' and would pop up on a search engine inquiry. Not everyone has a blemished record of sorts that would show up on a background check, google search, facebook search, etc. In fact, I would probably be more worried about someone who doesn't show up on google than someone who does. Why? It means said person is more cunning with their illegalities and sociopathic ways to have successfully evaded law enforcement while not drawing negative attention to themselves socially.
Like real G's, serial killers move in silence too. Google only gives you information you would have otherwise found out anyway with a little more social savvy and people skills. its the sh*t that doesn't come up you should be concerned with.
Trust me, nothing at all coming up does register as something to discuss in the future. I've def had those conversations as well. That is a valid point.
Thing is, I don't think there is anything wrong with performing a search out of curiosity. Its the reliance on it as a method of weeding out the 'bad apples' to me that is a little strange. I mean, if you met someone at a social gathering with limited light, then I can understand the interest in seeing their social media pics to get a better idea of what they REALLY look like….but to cyber stalk them to find out if they are 'who they say they are'?….aint that a tad on the creepy side?
Whats to stop one from hiding in someone's bushes or staking out their home to make sure they are where they say they are? Is that the next phase after googling their name?
I don't know. I guess I don't get the fascination with social media being dubbed the better outlet for information than one's own sensibilities.
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Using google doesn't mean you don't also need to use your sensibilities. I'm starting to repeat myself. I said this already in a response to someone else.
You don't rely on google alone. Not at all. It's just a way to cross off QUICK things. A quick google check is in no way cyber stalking. Not at all.
Again, you're making a mountain out of something simple, lol. Really.
I think I've said enough. We've established that we disagree. I really should be doing homework, LOL. Enjoy the rest of your night! 🙂
I agree with you, Mr SoBo. Google provides such superficial information that it shouldn't be necessary if you know the person you are dating. (And I am using "know" here to mean you have seen him/her several times, talk to them personally or through a mutual friend, know their field of work, etc.) The ones to look out for are the people who have positive remarks, praises, and basically a clean slate everywhere else, but once you Google them, they have a list of offenses. But these people wouldn't be on Google; they're the ones the cops are still looking for. That said, Google can be a life-saver if someone decides to date an attractive person on a whim.
With all the decent men out there, is it really that serious that a woman would literally be staking out houses and hiding in bushes?
I think the question that needs to be asked is, what kind of women have you fellas been dealing with?? lmaooo
And maybe you all would fare better with performing a little google search of your own. Because apparently, the women you've been dealing with have been a bit on the crazy side! Lol
1. You mention 2014 like it means something. Are you asserting that certain information media are more or less valuable than others? Is that even a point worth making? People had secrets in 1920, in 1980, and right now in 2014. Secrets got around via word of mouth back then. And today it’s via word of mouth, and Google. Information, by nature, desires a medium; the person who learns it stands to gain. This is why information is inherently valuable. In relation to background checks & dating – what’s important is that you saved yourself from hurt. 2014 is relevant because you can save yourself faster. Maybe you have a problem with the quickness.
2. You mention “old fashioned” a lot. Which “old-fashioned” way will efficiently reveal information that could potentially hurt the interested party? "old-fashioned” ways take considerably longer to reveal the important stuff. Privacy & courting do not trump emotional & physical well-being.
3. Your first thought was “where did you meet this guy at?”. The question to ask is “what did he do that was suspect?” Straight to the point. Because his character is the issue here. If he acts questionably, then you should probably question his background. This is the essence of the issue here.
Anyway, background searches are a means to an end, who really cares how you got your information.
First of all, women and men should definitely use Google if they are dating someone outside of their circle, i.e. a stranger (stranger = this man/woman hollered at you, you liked their approach and looks, and you decided to give them your number for a date sometime). There are a lot of psychopaths out here doing things I never imagined, and you're telling me I should meet up with this person, give him my number, possibly have him walk me home without doing some kind of background search? Shiiiiitttt. I don't date outside of my circle, and I don't think I will, but if I did I would want to get as much information on this dude as I could find. In these cases, Google can save lives; even if its 1 bad apple out of thirty searches, that 1 makes it all worth it because I only live once anyway.
That said, Google does not uncover all red flags, but only a relationship will. The scale of the amount of information exposed goes Relationship> Casual Conversation>Questioning Mutual Friends> Other Social Media> Google. Google may be at the bottom, but it is useful for efficiently finding major flaws in a person's past/present that you can't deal with or that would possibly put your life in danger, especially if the person is a stranger. Notice I put questioning mutual friends after casual conversation, because even friends do not know EVERYTHING about their friends. This is clear in the whole Rasheeda K. Michelle hatred surrounding K. Michelle's domestic violence claims. Bottom line, Google should be used when dating a stranger outside of your circle.
i have no problems with a casual google search done on me…there is evidence of male dirtbags that share my skin complexion, that share my "well i'm a good guy" spiel…so it is what it is.
that being said, me doing a casual google search in any lady i'm interested in wouldn't be an issue either, it's part of the vetting process.
My name is so common, nothing is going to come up anyways.
Didn't know it was like this in dating game lol
Whatever happened to man meets woman, man initiated a conversation with woman, man gets said woman's phone number, they go on a few dates and get to know each other and if things work fine…if not cool too. I know we live in an age of technology and social media but damn..
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As long as Google exist and Im dating, Im going to do at least a basic check on guys. Google has saved me from a lot of heartache.
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I recently met a Man on Instagram. We liked what we saw and exchanged contact information. I decided to Google him and I found police reports stating that he is wanted for drugging and raping women. Also wanted for fraud. He steals women's credit cards and address and makes fake profiles. One women woke up to him chocking her. So I am a strong believer in Goggling a person once you know there REAL NAME lol. He continues to messaging me asking for us to meet by NOOO THANKS.
"I recently met a Man on Instagram."
Stopped reading after this.
what's wrong with meeting someone through social media Dr. J?
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