Until I started having substantive conversations with a female friend who has a history of emotional trauma, I had no idea why so many women choose to act in masculine ways. I didn’t understand why the concept of the “fierce” woman was seen as a desirable model for behavior. I thought these women were difficult by nature and proud of it because they didn’t really want a man, unless he was a doormat or asshole supreme. I couldn’t understand why some women wanted to dominate men, so I assumed that they were either sadistic or domineering. Not only that, but I assumed that they didn’t want to be loved, they wanted to use men and be self-aggrandizing while also  complaining about the quality of men they attracted. Then I really got confused by two things. First off, I came to realize that these women thought their behavior was attractive. To make matters more perplexing, they expected attractive men to find their behavior attractive (or acceptable).

My friend said that the influences these women have in their lives (family, friends, frenemies, and the media) have convinced them that feminine ideals of kindness, humility, and submission are weak, humiliating, and pathetic. Taking it a step further, they feel that they have to sacrifice “respect” if they want to be feminine. My friend believes that women try to take on masculine qualities to overcompensate for their feelings of vulnerability.

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As a man, I think it is okay for a woman to display certain masculine traits in moderation, but when they are used as a defense mechanism they rarely benefit women in their relationship to men. First and foremost, they turn off the quality men they are seeking to meet, and are left to pick and choose from an array of submissive men, or assholes who take pleasure in hurting or embarrassing them. This last category of men inspires some women to develop a petty ego and try and go tit-for-tat with the men, in the hopes that they can “one up” them to win his respect. There aren’t many bigger turnoffs than this. Masculine men want feminine women.

In “The Art of Seduction,” Robert Greene summed it up: “Seducers draw you in by the focused, individualized attention they pay to you. Anti-seducers are the opposite: insecure, self-absorbed, and unable to grasp the psychology of another person.” A woman who can’t grasp the psychology of another person or doesn’t care to do so is just as unattractive as a woman who would prefer to be manipulative rather than empathetic. A woman like this doesn’t (appear to) want to learn from you or expand her own perspective, she wants to impose hers on you and get you to see the error of your ways. She even expects you to validate this self-absorbed chaos. She would rather complain and argue about “the way men are” than figure out what common ground the two of you have and try to work with you. Rather than understanding why you like what you like (and dislike what you dislike) she’s busy concocting a cynical theory about the disconnect between the two of you and blaming it on the “male ego.” or you not being able to “handle her.”

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My friend has shown me women are capable of change. She says she used to be just like these women, so she understands that their defensiveness blinds them to how unappealing they appear to the type of men they hope to attract. Getting past those defenses requires a lot of humbling of oneself, especially when the woman has come to enjoy her aggressive and destructive ways. I can’t really believe she was ever that unattractive, but she assures me she was. So I’m not here to bash women or shun people for getting things wrong. I understand that the propaganda against femininity and gender roles runs deep, and that like my friend, many women were taught to be masculine because it’s a man’s world.

But what works in the boardroom isn’t the same thing as what works in the bedroom. Most men I know steer clear of ballbusting chicks. We aren’t scared of them. We’re just turned off. We want women who enjoy being feminine. We are deeply and profoundly attracted to empathy, generosity, patience, humility, and vulnerability (which is the root of courage). These traits may not strike you as glamorous, but humanity needs them now more than ever. Hyper-masculinity is destroying the Earth. We need women to show the world what we’re missing and make it a better place for everyone. As good as it is for men to adopt these characteristics as well, women do it much better and make a greater impact when they lead by example and play to their natural strengths.

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T.Q. is a Georgia native and part-time writer who enjoys using blogs to challenge his own perspective as well as the beliefs of random strangers. He likes getting to the core of issues and leaving no elephant in the room unaddressed. So you can converse with and learn from (and with) him or deny and debate him, he’ll most likely enjoy either approach. Let the good times and great discussions roll.

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