Home Dating & Relationships Dating Date That Man: 6 Reasons Girl Code Should Be the Exception, Not the Rule in Dating

Date That Man: 6 Reasons Girl Code Should Be the Exception, Not the Rule in Dating

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Nicole4

By Mo

Black women are destined for a life of singledom. Haven’t you heard?

It’s been estimated that 42 percent of us haven’t married. That’s twice that of white women. Eeeekkkk!

And if we wanted to get married, 1 out of 12 of us wouldn’t, even if every black man in America married a black woman today.

While there are a myriad of reasons attributed to this bleak outlook (i.e. black men don’t make enough, aren’t tall enough, aren’t out of county jail long enough), one that is not often explored is girl code.

Girl code is that asinine set of rules that preclude a woman from dating a man. A friend woman I’ve spoken to twice in the last year dated had a few sexual encounters with over the course of the month a man five years ago; therefore, he’s off limits to me. Feeling pressured, women avoid pursuing relationships with men that have a past – and limited – history with friends of friends or even a close friend for sake of a code that leaves them desiring a relationship.

Why voluntarily sabotage a chance to have a meaningful relationship for the sake of a rule that is nothing more than a cockblock in disguise?

While I don’t advocate dating your friend’s ex-fiancé or baby daddy, everyone else has the potential to be fair game. Rules are meant to broken, and here’s when you should consider breaking the girl code:

1. The person is an acquaintance, not a friend.

Yes, there are levels to this sh*t. I often loathe quoting rappers, but if the shoe fits…wear it. There’s a difference between an acquaintance and a friend, and all too often we use the two interchangeably. Attending happy hours at the local bar and grille and discussing the latest episode of Love and Hip Hop qualifies one as an acquaintance. Eating Sunday dinner at one another’s home and helping plan one’s pending nuptials qualifies one as a friend. Therefore, if an acquaintance dated a man a few years ago or even a few months ago, you are perfectly well within your dating rights to also date this man. Allowing someone you have no depth of a relationship with to significantly impact your dating life is a missed opportunity if you truly desire to be in a serious relationship.

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Yes, there could be some awkwardness if you, he, and she were in the same room together. However, if you exhibit a certain degree of transparency (easier said than done), there won’t be any surprises if you were to all end up at the same birthday gathering. Last year, I had a moment of transparency with an acquaintance around a man I was embarking on a new relationship with. (Disclaimer: While the two never dated, I met her through him and envisioned she might feel some type of way). The irony is that it was the first time this acquaintance and I had ever spoken on the phone which qualified even more that she wasn’t a friend. I of course knew that, but others didn’t. That’s another story; however.

2. She is lying.

Men lie, women lie, date receipts don’t. While it can be challenging to digest that a friend is lying, woman can often misappropriate and embellish the degree of interaction they had with a man. For instance, a few in-door movie nights and make-out sessions over the course of winter translates into “We dated for a few months.” Or a few text exchanges equates to “We used to talk.” Either your friend is delusional and needs someone to pray for her or she’s intentionally misleading you for her benefit. Don’t be manipulated into not dating someone based on a flawed or unfounded dating history with another.

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3. The dating history can’t be verified…by either party.

This is a gray area compounded by he say, she say. I’ve witnessed countless woman say they dated a man only to have him offer a contradictory story. Somewhere in the middle, the truth lies. And if it can’t be determined, don’t make any permanent decisions around whether or not you will embark on a relationship with someone new. But if someone truly is your friend, it begs to reason that you’d (for the most part) be aware of whom they have dated. If not, either the “relationship” wasn’t that serious or your friendship isn’t.

4. It’s a crush.

Yes, I too thought that crushes ended in the 12th grade. However, many women firmly believe that if they have a crush on someone it automatically precludes any of their friends and acquaintances from dating the man in question. However, let’s look at it from the opposite end:

Imagine if you were interested in a man and he tells you he can’t date you. His reason isn’t because he isn’t interested, but rather that his friend is and therefore, he cannot date you. It sounds quite silly, doesn’t it? It also sounds like a cockblock.

5. You’re madly, deeply and truly in like.

While there are plenty of fish in the sea, they aren’t all edible. It’s rare when you can find that person that completes your sentences, appreciates your quirky laugh, and makes you tingle when you see their name pop up on your iPhone. When you do, you it owe to yourself to pursue and not be hung up on a girl code that leaves women proudly proclaiming “There’s plenty of men out here” and “I’m single by choice.” Yea right.

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6. Girl code is for girls.

Grown women do grown women things and that entails dating men of your own choosing.

What’s your take? Are there exceptions to the girl code and if so, what are they?

Mo

Mo is a former military brat turned adult military brat currently dancing and emphasizing in Atlanta. You can find her here on Twitter.

Comment(21)

  1. I've been waiting for the longest for a post that covers this "Girl Code".

    NO MAN or MEN follows this and I have no idea why Women do. This is quite simple and easy- The ONLY ppl Off Limits are former Real Love Interest (a la Love Jones), where there were Years Spent in the Relationship or a Child's Mother/Father.

    Everyone Else is Fair Game. an Ex is an Ex for a Reason, so having a New Beau but marking the Old One like a Dog marks its Territory is the Dumbest, stupidest thing I've ever seen and heard in Life..

  2. Don't agree at all with this post. Firstly, those statistics often perpetuated by mainstream media are false.
    Here are the facts: 75% of black women will have married by the age of 35, with more marrying after the age of 35. The vast majority of black women will get married.

    Don't feed into the fear-mongering by becoming desperate and starting to engage in desperate actions. If your friend had feelings for someone, whether or not it ended up working out with dude, a true friend would respect her boundaries.

    There are plenty of fish in the sea, and in a wide array of colors I might add. There is no need to infringe upon your friends feelings and dating pool to find a man. It simply isn't that serious.

    1. "Here are the facts: 75% of black women will have married by the age of 35, with more marrying after the age of 35. The vast majority of black women will get married. "

      Don't get too far ahead of yourself with that statistic because it does not prove the other stat wrong. When they mention the 42% stat it includes the amount of women who have been married and are no longer married. Also, the statistics around black women who do marry are skewed tremendously by their level of education.

      In all things, it means nothing to have been married. It's only important that you are married, as in, still married.

      1. I gotta ride with Dr. J on this one. Being from Philly, most everyone I know back home stays married til death parts them. I never knew so many divorced people in my life until I moved to my current home in the Md. I've noticed a very odd & disturbing trend here in the DMV. I've only met one person here under the age of 45 whose marriage lasted longer than 5 or 6 years. Five years seems to be the trending max here. I wonder if these stats take into account the people who've had "Hollywood marriages" that only lasted for a few short years; and now they are divorced.
        I definitely believe these discouraging marriage stats are skewed. Based on what I've seen, many sista's get married all the time; the real problem is, they don't stay married.
        Instead of focusing so much on getting married, we need to focus our energy on what it takes to Stay married. There is life after the big lavish wedding. ijs.

    2. And also… Essence and Demetria can feel free to throw stats out there without a source, but around these parts… it's not allowed.

      1. That's fine.

        What I am saying is that a lot of the stats out there are widely misconstrued and erroneous. These are the same stats being thrown out in the media, I'm sure all the mainstream media outlets have their fact checkers as well.

        Statistics are often quoted out of context in order to validate false points. Especially when it is at the expense of blacks.

    3. Maybe I read the post wrong, but I thought she differentiated between real friends (#1) and real relationships (#2-4). I didn't get the sense that she was suggesting women trample over women's true feelings for a man she was really close with/in a relationship with. I agree with the premise of the post…that women need to emotionally release men that you only had a shallow dealing with (what you built up in your mind doesn't count) back into the dating pool completely. Emotionally holding on to a situation that barely got off the ground serves us how? In my opinion, if you're really over it and you and that girl aren't even friends friends like that, it won't and shouldn't matter to you. And, if you aren't over it, that's your problem to deal with. You can't make other folks responsible for your issues. Again, not speaking about your real friends or real past relationships…

  3. 51% of the entire US population 18 and over is currently married. 42% is not that far off from 51%. The black women's prospect of marriage is not as dire as the media likes to suggest. It is all propaganda, particularly meant to derail black men. Don't buy into the hype.

    1. I doubt it's to derail Black men. Most Black men, ~89% of Black men marry Black women. I agree there is mass paranoia being spread, as I stated in my post today, but I don't know if it's really targeted to black men or women.

      But to expand on your point about 42% vs. 51% it doesn't take into account a lot of other things:
      1) Incarceration rates that lead to marriages falling apart
      2) Death
      3) Disparities in education and how that leads to marriages falling apart
      4) On the flip side, there are several cultures that shun divorce leaving women in marriages that have failed but not dissolved

      All that to say, i'm not all that worried about 51 vs. 42. To me… it's a non-issue.

  4. Ok do I have a story for this one! So I had a male best friend that was like a brother to me…we grew up a couple houses away from each other since middle school and we were both close to each other's family…fast forward to 3 years ago, we're now 24, and he and his girlfriend just moved in together. It is at this point that I meet the girlfriend's sister, and we all get cool and hang out frequently…..months later I meet a guy through facebook, we exchange numbers and find out he is the ex of the girlfriend's sister, (who is now a self proclaimed lesbian in a relationship)…..him and I realize we kind of like each other, so him knowing her longer than me, takes it upon himself to call her and let her know we would like to date……well….she blew the fuck up and called me all kind of hoes and fake bitches and a full out beef ensued…..my whole point was…BITCH YOU ARE NOT ONE OF MY REAL CLOSE FRIENDS! You are my best friends-girlfriends-sister! I'm not even obligated to like your ugly ass! Not to mention me and the guy never ended up meeting in person due to the foolishness that came about…..smh

    1. Girll!!!!!!!!!!!! the fact that you (and him )even took the time out to even let her know and consider what she may think about the situation is more than enough. She was out of hand. She’s a lesbian why does she even care about what her “old d!cK” is doing.

  5. girl she was acting like I was trying to fuck her husband behind her back! I didn't understand wtf she was so mad for either!! Like bitch I've only known you for less than a year!! It's "levels to this shit!"

  6. 100% agree. If you and I aren’t best friends, any man you use to talk to is free game. As long as you’re not in a current situation with him, I could care less and vice versa you can talk to one of my old joints, their an old joint for a reason.

    Immediate friends/family: you shouldn’t date an old serious boyfriend or ex husband. Nine times out of ten if you’re dating him after we break up, you were probably plotting while we were together. People I may have went on one or two dates with and it didn’t work out, go a head have fun.

    Crushes: Grow up. No one you know can talk to someone you have a crush on who has no interest in you is crazy. Now if you have a close friend who always takes interest or tries to talk to someone you state that you’re interested in, that’s a different story, she’s shady and jealous. But if you have a crush on someone, and they say they’re not interested, but their interested in you friend and your friend and that person hit it off. Don’t hate.

    1. Also I hate when people throw these marriage statistics around. One minute no one loves black women, next minute were neck and neck with every other group of women. Do these stats every include

      1) Some black women don’t want to be married by choice.
      2) Do these stats include women who aren’t interested in marrying men? I’m sure once all states legalize gay marriage the number of “single hopeless non married (sarcastic)” black women will change.

  7. Girl code has not affected my dating life.There has always been an abundance of men at my disposal.

    I have followed it and will continue to which is probably why I do not have so much dating drama. Girl code applies whether for associates or real friends, my dating life has not hurt and I have not ever been attracted to people who dated someone I knew anyways so nay on this post.

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