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Why Are We All Looking For The Same Person And Relationship?

28

thresome

I had a conversation with this dude who grew up in a religious household. As an adult, he does not follow his old, strictly religious way of life. He enjoys having sexual relationships with porn stars and strippers and engages in threesomes and all sorts of other sexually adventurous activity. But he’s in his early thirties now and he feels it’s time for him to settle down.

The thing is, he stated that he wants to settle down with a “good girl.” So he plans on attending church regularly; not because he’s experiencing some type of spiritual awakening, but because he figures that that’s where he’ll find a good girl. Namely, a girl with a non-existent to very minimal body count.

Now to make things even more interesting, he’s already expressing angst about the prospect of settling down – he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to fully give up the women he’s used to dealing with. He has a thing for overtly sexual girls. He is also hesitant about how he will be able to stay faithful. He enjoys threesomes and in general, having sex with a variety of women. Still, he feels it’s time to settle down because he’s “at that age” and it’s simply “the thing to do.”

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It had me thinking: in many ways, we’re guilty of doing the very same thing that my friend intends on doing. Society has laid out this generic checklist of what an ideal long term partner is or what our relationships are supposed to look like that we’ve been mindlessly following. And in my opinion, it’s led to nothing but disaster (and quite possibly the skyrocketing divorce rate).

These ideologies have been pretty much indoctrinated in us since childhood. For some reason, we all plan on being monogamous. We all plan on getting married. And when we get married, we all pretty much want the same carbon copy of a person. But it’s not because this is the lifestyle we all just coincidentally happened to find desirable. We all didn’t just happen to find the same type of human features and characteristics attractive. Society has imposed these standards and guidelines upon us since birth.

We pick these people, not necessarily because it’s what we want, but subconsciously, we want other people to approve of them. We’re letting our family, friends’, and coworkers’ opinions on what a good long term partner or relationship looks like dictate our relationships and ultimately, our lives.

We follow these stupid black and white hard and fast rules, but what if that’s not what we want? What if that doesn’t work with who we are and the lifestyle we truly want to live? Why do we still follow them? There are 6.5 billion people in the world and we all come in our own flavors and with our own  preferences and emotional baggage. It makes no sense that we are all following the same checklist and relationship guidelines.

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We automatically disqualify a man that lives with his mom but what if he’s saving up for a house? We automatically disqualify women that have high body counts but what if she has that knowledge that experience often provides? Why are we disqualifying exactly what it is that we may be looking for because we refuse to think outside the box and stand out from the crowd?

We fear the backlash from being with the type of person we really want or from having the type of relationship that we inherently crave. We stick to hard and fast relationship rules because they’re easy and we figure they’re tried and true. But what’s good for the goose isn’t good for the gander and what worked for your married friend or your parents won’t necessarily work for you. In a lot of ways, we’re not trying to satisfy ourselves, we’re trying to appease societal norms and we’re letting that hinder us from a true connection.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Tall, dark and handsome isn’t for everyone. Victoria’s Secret model isn’t for everyone. We need to stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and do some deep soul searching to figure out what honestly works for us, as individuals.

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Why do we insist on following these relationship guidelines that may not work for us?

Twitter: @GeeHooks

Comment(28)

  1. I think I see the point you are trying to make but you might be missing some points. Having an open mind when it comes to dating is good however there is a thin line between open mindedness and naivete. I have seen many men be open minded when choosing to date women with very high body counts and questionable character. The men usually end up burned both literally and figuratively. Good intentions are good but sometimes you gotta judge based on actions.

  2. "Why do we insist on following these relationship guidelines that may not work for us?" __

    GOOD QUESTION!

    People tend to do what is taught to them, ingrained in their psyche, and those societal and family-imposed ideas can be a bitch. LOL__If you know you don't REALLY want to 'settle down' – why not just do you and be happy?

    I see many people trying to make shit fit that obviously is not going to fit and neither he nor she are happy yet blame each other.__Not everyone wants to be married – some of these end up married – going along just to get along and eventually, nobody is getting along. __

    Its okay to BE you and DO you..IF thats being married, cool…IF thats being single, cool…IF thats having an open relationship, swinging from the chandeliers or whatever, cool…IF thats you.

    *CAN'T NOBODY TELL YOU HOW YOUR SHOES FIT* ….just a lil something I always like to say 🙂

  3. Why do we insist on following these relationship guidelines that may not work for us?"

    1)We do what’s been taught to us.
    2)People are scare to find their own happiness, so they take whatever generic form is easily available. Basically people like to play it safe.

    I really hate the term “good girl” like you’re only basing her goodness on the fact that she 1) is a virgin or hasn’t had as much sex as you, nothing else that actually makes a person good. It really kills me how men want to have all the free chex they want, but then want a woman who isn’t on the same experience level, but then become disappointed when he can’t get the sex he craves from the woman he decided to spend the rest of his life with. I think he’s not as “free spirited” as he thinks he is. Why torture himself and that “good girl”? He needs to just find a woman whose down for an open relationship or at least threesomes and be happy, if he’s worried about what ppl will think, no one will know anything about your bedroom life unless you tell them.

    1. That's all it is (Low Body Count or being a Virgin). Don't worry about the irrelevance. To Be Fair, since Men AND WOmen shun Women who bask in their Sexuality, and the premise of this post, how would a Man Know that a Woman wants or is into what he is???

      We Men are told Not to Ask or A$$ume, as that is not the "gentleman" thing to do and IF/WHEN Ask apparently Women Lie about, since it is A$$umed Men Frown Upon it………This post is the epitome of everything Confusing and Backwards about Men-Women Interactions, Perceptions and Relationships as a whole

  4. I read this and it's like the post answers itself, to be blunt. I see this situation like the birth of a Movement, ANY Movement you can think of (Suffrage, Civil Rights of the 1950s-60s, Immigration Reform, Healthcare Reform, LBGTQ RIghts, etc): It starts with Just 1-2 People and EVENTUALLY, Others will Come Forward.

    People are Scared of Rejection and Negative Judgment- as already stated; there Are people who are railing against stuff in this post BUT, when Society has drilled a Status Quo being Opposite comes off as if a person is Seekig Attention or being an A$$

  5. I think you hit the nail on the head.

    People aren't honest with themselves about who they are, what they want, and what will or won't work for them. There's a conflict between what it is and what they feel things should be…and the conflict should be resolved before they make any permanent moves.

    This is why we need to take time getting to know people and have a clear perspective of what we want…so we can see this type of conflict when it exists in the person we are dating and walk away.

    Know thyself and to thine own self, be true. Set goals you can achieve. Have people around you that are aligned with you (values, vision, etc.). Makes like peaceful and helps it to go a lot smoother…

    1. I don't think it is so much people don't know Who they Are- it's that there are Folks that have Similar Tastes, POVs and Preferences yet we All are going by what Society says is Best, hence the post itself. If Men & Women are into FWBs yet Status Quo says it is Bad, Men aren't going to Ask or Say that's really what they Want and Women sure as hell won't say they are into it themselves….

      1. I think being honest with yourself about who you are and are not is step one. It's the first thing you need to do in order to get a strong stance about your position/choices in life. Do that correctly, and what society says won't matter…and not in a "what society says doesn't affect me" kind of way, but in a "what society says won't dictate what I do or don't do" kind of way".

        If you really know and accept who you are…and you're good with who you are, then you won't be comfortable conforming. I don't think what I'm saying conflicts with the post at all. *shrugs*

        1. Cosign Cyn. We have more options than we realize and utilize on a day to day basis. "Yes, whatever you say", isn't the only viable option.

  6. Appreciate this post, penned my post for Friday this morning because of it.

    I think it's a certain type of person who thinks that they have to subscribe to the popular thought about relationships, marriages and good/bad significant others… it's not even an issue of losing morals/values either. Quite frankly if you are still subscribing to that thought, you're becoming an outdated individual. Nobody else is doing that anymore.

    But i'll expand on Friday.

  7. "Why do we insist on following these relationship guidelines that may not work for us? Because this world is full of too many followers, and not enough leaders, who dance to the beat of their own drum.

  8. One topic I've never seen any blog post or article on is how your family (and sometimes friends) can affect your dating life and who you end up choosing to be with long-term.
    Many people allow their family to have way too much input in their lives, and impact on their lives.
    I personally know people whose families got in the way, and still get in the way of them having healthy, happy, full-filling, and long lasting relationships. I've dated and known guys whose families, ex-wives, or baby mama's, and children had entirely too much control over their lives and it affected their relationships, and/or lack thereof.
    I think this aspect also plays a part in all of the conforming that people do. Typically they feel they need the approval of family, children, and even ex-wives, and baby/mama's and daddy's.
    A person's situation also plays a part in this. If they're caring for and living with family members, and helping out with bills, usually these people aren't able to seriously date, much less build and have any type of serious and possible long-term relationship because it's a threat to the family members they're helping and caring for. These are sad sad situations.

      1. Dr. J that's a bit different. The specific aspect of this topic I'm speaking of is a little deeper than that. It's when a persons family purposely and selfishly tries to hinder or block them from seriously dating anyone because it will take that person from them. It will keep that person from providing them with the financial help they've been receiving, or help with a family member.
        For instance, in college I had a friend whose mom was a single mom. Her mom worked 2 jobs. My friend had 2 younger brothers. She was like a 2nd mom to them. She actually helped raise them. She cooked, cleaned, helped them with homework, etc etc etc while her mom was at work. I remember wanting her to get an aptmnt with me and she couldn't for those reasons. A guy she dated wanted her to live with him and she didn't. In fact she never got serious with any man and to this day she's not married and has no kids of her own. Not sure if she has a man or not. Her 2 younger brothers are grown men now. But I remember how that situation kept her from having the freedom to have her own life.
        Similar situation, a guy I was trying to date 2 years ago. He had family living with him. He rented out rooms/parts of the house he owned to family members. There was always some excuse as to why things never went past a certain point with him, despite the fact that he said he wanted to get married and have a family and wanted to be in a committed relationship. However, he was the one who "carried" his family financially, as well as doing things around the house for them and providing a place for them to stay. It wasn't long before I realized that even though this man may have wanted to be in a relationship, try as he might, it would not happen until he was able to break away from his family.
        I've also seen situations where people's ex spouses and/or mother/father of their children seem to have some sort of hold on them, and make it very difficult for them to move on and fully commit to anyone and give themselves fully to anyone. People tend to hold onto other people unjustifiably for very selfish reasons. I have yet to see this particular aspect of this subject touched upon. It probably has been, I just don't recall seeing it.

    1. I also know a few close friends and family members who didn't listen to their families regarding their future spouses and they are now exes. I think family advice and what they think of your future mate matters to some degree. It is up to the person to weigh the information they are receiving from close family and friends and strike a balance.

  9. This is a chicken or an egg story. You could say that most people are conforming to the narrative that society gives us but I have another theory. I don't believe most of us are as "special" or "different" as we thing we are. In my opinion only 20% of us are truly special meaning we want to live completely different lives from the rest of everybody else. I believe the biggest lie sold to modern day humanity is that we are all unique and different. Years of Evolution says otherwise. So whether monogamy or polygamy, Good girl vs Bad girl, The rules haven't changed that much. Even in non-monogomaous societies, people weren't just having sex with whoever they wanted. There were still many rules and laws in place, so much so that they probably had the same average body count as us here in the good old 21st century.

  10. Bad girls ain't no good, and the good girls ain't no fun
    And the hood girls want a smart nigga, college girls all want a thug
    So it seems we fiend what we don't need-Wale
    Truer words were never sung. We try to fit what society/family/friends expectations and find that they don't please us even though that may be what we really need for a successful relationship. Until we've come to the point that we realize "good" things are actually good for us, we'll keep chasing what appears to be fun…and continue to be hurt in the end. Our inherrent nature pulls us to impatience self gratification.
    My recent post Praying For Closed Doors

  11. Dope post Gee!

    The day I stopped caring about societal standards is the day I truly got comfy in my own skin. Your friend may not find the girl he's looking for in church btw, but thats another post. lol

    Discretion is key. learning from life is necessary. You cant be what others are if that isnt you or what you WANT to be!

    I say be happy with whom makes you happy. If you can deal with scrutiny do so. If not, eff em still!

  12. "The day I stopped caring about societal standards is the day I truly got comfy in my own skin."
    Now that's a word right there Streetz! Love It! 🙂
    I also think people need to stop being so afraid and overly concerned about other peoples opinions of them and what they do. Like they say, you can't please everybody, but you can please yourself.

  13. I think most people follow the rules of society because they have nothing else. Everyone just wants to be happy. But what is happiness for the individual? Most people don't know. So they just name things that other people have. Who in turn have been naming things that other people have or had in the time before them. We're all guilty of it. If you told the story about your friend by itself, the reaction would be very different.

    In short, we're all perpetuating the standards that we said we're trying to break free from.

  14. I think people want to do what makes sense at the end of the day. Not necessarily what society says is best for them. Nobody wants to live life alone anywhere on Earth. Human beings were not designed to live life in that fashion. As far as standards and requirements, why not have them? I personally think us as black people have standards that are often too low, then un necessarily high on other things for a variety of reasons. For example, a woman should think twice before laying in bed with somebody who been to the penitentiary alot and lives with his parents. So many women don't though. But will turn around and thumb their nose up at a guy who is squeaky clean but doesn't have the type of vehicle that she likes. Doesn't make sense. Same thing goes with many of the type of man mentioned in this article. Will lay with strippers and prostitutes, no rubber. Then at age 33 now wants to be the squeaky clean guy the woman is having a difficult time wanting to be with.

    At the end of the day, I say we should have standards for our significant others, VERY high standards. Your life is nothing to play with! AT THE SAME TIME, we need to have these same very high standards FOR OURSELVES!
    My recent post IS CAPITALISM HUMANE? [VIDEO]

  15. Theoretically the premise of the good girl may seem rewarding or the picture of eternal love, but that picture was more than likely painted by friend and family influence yet perpetuated by the individual. The conviction becomes more important than determining whether that ideal woman is even practical. I wonder if your friend could take his good girl becoming freaking with him or in his presence. She may immediately become a turn off.

  16. Too many hoes and felons married for that to be true. People in general like to put on a front for friends, family, social media, etc but when life stares them dead in the face they tend to change their perspective.

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