By Chocolate Vent
Celibacy is a serious matter. A lot of people, both men & women, have admitted to being celibate at some point in their lives. People practice celibacy for a number of reasons ranging from religious to personal choice. Personally, I hadn’t declared myself celibate but I did take “breaks” in between each man that I dated. I enjoy intimacy just as much as the next person but always applaud other people’s choice to abstain from sex.
I met an older gentleman, recently divorced, who was actively practicing celibacy. His rationale was that he wasn’t ready to move on physically (although I think he was self-conscious because he had been with the same woman for so long) plus he knew that women usually get emotionally attached whenever sex is involved & just wasn’t ready for anything too serious. Seemingly, this all made sense and I thought it was great to be able to get to know someone without having to take things all the way.
In the beginning our relationship was great. But as time went on I started to wonder how much longer his journey of celibacy would last. It wasn’t that I was horny or anything, I just started to question if he was actually into me. We all know that men are usually more aggressive when it comes to sex and I’m sure we’ve all heard that if a man is not trying to sleep with you he must either be gay, or he’s getting it from someone else, right?
What was I supposed to do? Did he understand the position that he put me in (no pun intended)? Do I press him for sex or do I go on this journey of celibacy with him? He wanted a relationship but without the relations. So should I appreciate things the way they were? Or should I just let him go? And if I were to let him go wouldn’t that be like a man dumping a woman because she doesn’t want to put out? I couldn’t see myself breaking up with a guy just because he didn’t want sex. Besides, it wasn’t like he was straight out rejecting me; he was rejecting sex across the board so I couldn’t even take it personal.
I asked around & found out that there were quite a few benefits to being celibate, including:
1) Good health – being disease-free (and pregnancy-free for that matter) is no joke. This is probably the top benefit of not sleeping with someone.
2) Focusing your energies on other things – do you realize how much time you spend on sex? Not just having it or the prep time involved, but also the cost of sex (yes, the cost of contraception & lingerie can add up). Whew! That’s a lot of time & effort that could be directed somewhere else.
3) Self-discipline – there are a lot of things in life that we have to work hard to achieve like developing a successful career, or even hitting the gym on the regular. So why should holding out from sex be any different? Shoot, if you can learn how to ‘tame the beast’ surely you can discipline yourself to accomplish other valuable things in life.
I recognize all of these things are real-life advantages of not having sex but why wasn’t he recognizing the benefits of us having sex?:
1) Bringing us closer – sometimes intimacy and sex go hand & hand. Spending quality time with someone you care about can enhance your relationship.
2) Taking the pressure off – there is nothing better than makeup sex. That’s all I’ll say about that!
3) Good exercise – there are many health benefits to having sex. Forget going to the gym every day when you can get a good workout in at home. If you don’t believe me, just look it up!
Grant it, this was his decision to make but why should he get to decide how long we have to go without sex? My friends told me that I needed to communicate my feelings with him – tell him how I felt & maybe he would understand how his ‘holding out’ was really making me feel. If all else failed, I could always try seducing him, right?!
Was I tempted to cheat? Surprisingly, I wasn’t. I knew he had his reasons and I had to respect them. Besides, there would be plenty of time for sex later if our relationship moved to a deeper level. It actually felt good to be able to get to know someone without including (physical) intimacy. I wasn’t wrapped up in the whole “what should I wear when I stay the night with him” or “I better shave my legs today in case he wants to rub on them” line of thinking.
Well, after letting this go on for another month or so I decided to confront him. It wasn’t so much that I needed to sleep with him, but more so about whether or not we were on the same page in terms of where this relationship was headed. Now I don’t know if it was because of his divorce or something else but it turns out that we weren’t as compatible as we once thought we were.
Did we break up because he wouldn’t sleep with me? Nah. But in the end I thought I could change him but he ended up changing me. Although we didn’t last forever, I now realize that I don’t need sex to validate any relationship. If a man truly cares, he will wait.
it sounds like you were insecure because he wasn't trying to sleep with you…why not try a little confidence?
Shots fired. But yeah you're right theres some insecurity here. But that always comes when you're dangling a carrot over something whether its intimacy, title. Etc
My recent post Today’s Word is… DESENSITIZED
Different strokes for different folks….it's always commendable when anyone, male or female, can stick to their beliefs and display self-control.
*Sidenote* The only downside to these situations are those who belief that sexual intimacy is a crucial factor in the foundation of a relationship. There is nothing in this world worse than meeting a guy you're physically, mentally, and spiritually connected with only for you to find out months down the road that sex with him feels like you're being molested by a 7th grader.
i think you're right in the sense that now, (almost) everyone expects everyone to have had s** before, to the point where it's like the final 'compatibility test' before having that talk about the relationship.
w/ the dude practicing celibacy, it takes that test off the table, which leads to another route to get to that 'talk'…if that makes sense.
I've dated celibate women, it wasn't the lack of secks that became an issue as much as it was the expectation to live up to a man worthy of unlocking Pandora's box. I respected their position but like ol boys point, physical relationships breeds attachment and its only multiplied dealing with someone who ultimately hopes their celibacy was worth the sacrifice
My recent post Today’s Word is… DESENSITIZED
I think it's extremely rude to go into a relationship with someone who has already made a point to tell you that they are celibate, and you try to change them. Sounds like the whole point of getting with them is for them to give it up. To please you. I'd love to meet and date a celibate guy, because I'm also celibate. We can have sex with anyone but finding that connection without sex being involved is something people take years to find.
i think it could be a case of wanting to change him or at least knowing that you were the woman who could unlock his stance per se. the truth is that those situations will always be tough especially if one party isn't fully committed to the ideology. at some point the opposing person will succumb
My recent post Rihanna’s Unapologetic But I Just May Have To Apologize
I like this; at least the stereotypes about Men not being able to be Celibate or take it seriously have been debunked with the post
"I enjoy intimacy, but always applaud people who abstain from sex."
That's like saying 'I love Twinkies, but I always applaud people who eat their vegetables.' What does this say about one's subconscious?
I have to admit, it does make you feel at times like "what is wrong with this guy?" If he isn't trying to push up on you. You become so accustomed to dealing with this behavior that when you meet a man who is interested in more, or not interested in that intimate manner, it takes a second to realize "Oh he's still very much what I could deal with."
My recent post Being friends with someone who wants more..You can’t save every friendship
If your fine with doing it. then kudos to you–no facetiousness in the least. Some people just can't hang with doing so. Question is what happens when you get that urge? Do YOU go elsewhere–thus keeping HIM celibate? Do you pleasure yourself? Or what if you're looking at him and wanting to give him a piece, or see what he's like?
My recent post From Superstar To No Star: Athlete Careers That Were Cut Short
this is a situation where you simply have to be on the same page period. If you don't think you can hang I'd quit while I was ahead.
You two were on different pages so it would make sense that your relationship didn’t last. Partners must have the same relationship understandings and overall desires.
I could probably wait for quite some time before engaging in sex. I personally have gone for many years without a partner. Therefore, if I met a man that piqued my interests I would go for it but I too would want to know whether sex would ever happen or not. In addition I’d want to know that his private worked. I wouldn’t want to wait for that kind of horrible surprise, again.