Home Advice How Does a Man Approach a Newly Single Woman?

How Does a Man Approach a Newly Single Woman?


I don’t know! How about we start off with that and let it be known. I am not perfect in the world of dating. Although I’ve experienced great successes, i sure have some weak points. One of my biggest weak points is my timing. With women I have the shittiest timing this side of the Eiffel. Many times I’ve approached or inquired about women and it just wasn’t the right time. Either they were newly in a relationship, or just got out of one and were fed up. Have any of the guys reading this experienced the same? Well I decided to take it to the phone streets. I asked a few ladies ( Shanel, Yasmiyn, Vanessa) about this very subject. I actually loved the variance in responses. So check it out and please feel free to add your three cents.

1. When you’re newly single are you inclined to turn down most men?

Shanel- Yes

Yasmiyn- Yes

Vanessa- It Depends on the timing. For instance, if I’m being approached like the day after then yes.

2.What kind of guy would you make an exception for?

Shanel- Boris Kodjoe (laughs). It depends on how a guy approaches and how attractive he is.

Yasmiyn- No guy. If I already like you there shouldn’t ever have to be an exception for me to make.

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Vanessa- He has to be a clear upgrade from my last relationship.

3. Do you use “not being ready” as an excuse for guys you’re not interested in?

Shanel- Yes

Yasmiyn- Yes

Vanessa- Yes

4. If so, why not just be honest?

Shanel- It’s hard to be mean.

Yasmiyn- I don’t want to be a bitch. Lying can end up being easier especially with someone you don’t know well.

Vanessa- It depends on how well I know someone. I can only be honest if I know they can handle my honesty.

5. Are you annoyed when men make advances once they find out you’re newly single?

Shanel- No

Yasmiyn- It depends. If you’re a stranger then you really have no way of knowing. It can be annoying by someone I know depending on their approach.

Vanessa- It can be very flattering but it depends on the approach.

6. What’s an amply amount of time a guy should give you before he approaches you?

Shanel- It’s at least a month before I start taking numbers again generally.

Yasmiyn- No specific time frame. It just depends on how over I am my previous situation.

Vanessa- In about a month I usually move on.

7. If someone approached you and you liked them but wasn’t ready to talk, would you let them know once you were ready? Or would you just speak to the next person you like that approaches you?

Shanel- First person that comes along once I’m ready and interested is who I’d talk to.

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Yasmiyn- If I like you then I like you, there’s no waiting period.

Vanessa- It depends on how they acted after I told them I wasn’t ready. If they treated me different after then I wouldn’t tell them once I was ready to date again.

What I’ve gathered from this is what we always gather from these discussions. It’s great insight but there’s not just one solid answer. Relationship discussions for the most part are very grey. The hardest thing to decipher as a guy is when I’m being lied to or when a lady genuinely needs some time to just chill. Do any of y’all have an answer for that? I still wonder. All in all much respect to the ladies I interviewed. I thank you for your honesty and humor. Y’all are lovely.

Can any of you all relate to this scenario? What’s your experience with a guy once a you became single? How has the fellas fared with newly single women? Have a great day!

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status


  1. You don’t approach a newly single woman. She is in all likelihood still in love with her ex and has a bitter taste from whatever happened in the breakup. Unless you are clearly rich or an obvious upgrade you will receive nothing but rejection

      1. Anybody can figure out if a woman is Newly Single…….. It's the attitude, tone in her voice, her mannerisms, etc.

        C'mon now, don't be That Lady

  2. Just go slow and tread lightly. Whether she has been single for a long time and doesn't remember the "rules" so to speak, or she is jaded because she has gotten out of a hurtful relationship, or she isn't looking for anyone jut going with the flow. All I can say is go slow, be cool, and don't force anything. Let nature take it's course if it's meant to happen it will…..
    My recent post The Hood: Don’t Talk Until You’ve Been There. Come Take A Walk With Me.

  3. In my experience she's either so damaged from her last relationship she's not interested in dating for a while or shes overly eager to move on she forces the issue. For that reason I don't knowingly step to newly single women nor do I fall for that #heystranger trap they like to set when they are fresh out a relationship and are going back thru all the suitors they set aside for him.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… THINKPIECE

    1. “nor do I fall for that #heystranger trap they like to set when they are fresh out a relationship and are going back thru all the suitors they set aside for him.”

      coming from a woman who has done this (many times smh) I wish all men knew the only response to that kind of triflin’ text or call is just to ignore it. The woman is just using the guy for some attention, to puff up her ego, get some compliments, some free food, fill some bored space, etc. etc.

        1. I don’t know about “learned” lol, I’d say I’m definitely still learning to tame this ego smh. Very recently, I hurt a couple of guys feelings for hitting them up after a breakup & to make a long story short, had to eventually let them know that I was just using them…. so I’m no saint, I’m just trying to warn other guys about women such as myself lol

        2. Much respect to you. I got some tweets from people wondering if some ladies use some tactics like you're speaking of. I told them according to women I spoke to yes. It's a cool discussion to have.

  4. I think it depends on how serious the relationship was. Did she just get divorce, broke up with a fiancé or long term partner, then you should let her breath for a while, more than likely she won’t be rushing to date anyway. If the situation wasn’t that serious she may be more willing to jump out there. But it’s probably best just to go slow. If she really likes you things will fall into place, if she’s not ready, don’t put yourself in the “friend zone” (and then be bitter when she isn’t moving at the pace you want her to) actually be a friend and live your life (date other women).

    1. Nobody (meaning Men) puts themselves in the Friendzone, that's just Stupid.
      A Man gets there if you either 1) get put there by Her Own Accord or 2) get put there for Relationship Benefits EXCEPT Sex.

  5. #7 is hilarious because who realistically would wait if you told them?

    When it comes to strangers no one was capable of knowing, so I'm just honest. Usually saying I was just out of a relationship was enough for them to back off or ask if I needed some er…rebound assistance -_- Either way, everyone involved takes the coupling less seriously.

    I think I've only ever had a case of a real potential being thwarted because I wasn't ready emotionally once. Every other time, there was a multitude of other reasons why it wasn't a great idea. So eh. But I find women actually have this problem more than men for two reasons; one, women are savages and WILL hit on you the day after you broke up with homegirl, but also, men give off the fake "I'm over it" thing far sooner than they should a LOT of times so you think it's no big deal.
    My recent post Black, Latina and Fabulously Natural; How Loving my Hair Taught Me to Love the Rest of Me

    1. Some Men are; you seem to have some fake air of Arrogance as if everybody is or needs to be on some Terminator Show-No-Emotions stance. Nobody has to be "damaged' after a break up either but holding things from the past and placing it on somebody else is unfair and BS too.

      If a Man was a Cheater and/or a Liar there's no reason to give him the 3rd Degree Attitude- though being Cautious is understandable, just like a Man being Ruthless at a Woman because his Ex was an attention wh@re is unfair too

  6. Not all women are the same therefore we do not all deal with separation From our selective others in the same manner. I personally was open to dating less than a month later simply because I was no longer happy in my relationship. I found myself still holding on to the relationship simply because I did not want to feel as if all the time put into us lasting was a waste. Since the chemistry in my relationahip was gone by the time we called a quits, it was easy to take advantage of dating opportunities. So as I previously stated all females a different & one can not simply stamp a timeline on when where or how long to wait before approaching women whom are newly single

  7. Not all women are the same therefore we do not all deal with separation From our selective others in the same manner. I personally was open to dating less than a month later simply because I was no longer happy while still in my relationship. I found myself holding on to the relationship simply because I did not want to feel as though the time put into us lasting was a waste. Since the chemistry in my relationahip was gone by the time we called a quits, it was easy to take advantage of dating opportunities. So as I previously stated all females a different & one can not simply stamp a specific timeline on when where or how long to wait before approaching women whom are newly single

  8. Very unlikely that you will be aware of a woman being "newly single". I really wouldn't care. I am a present moment kind of guy that doesn't dwell on the past. I move on very quickly. There are pros and cons to everything, so that's how I am. All about enjoying the moment for me. If I come across a newly single woman that I was interested in I would take it as far as she wanted to go. If the time is limited so be it. If the time is for a while longer, even better.

  9. Some folks don't need "time" to think about the Past, as sometimes it cripples and consumes. That said, if a Woman needs to "heal" then she needs to state that every and any time a Man Approaches her UNTIL she is ready. This climate of Relationships and Gender Interactions is not kind or conducive to waffling and indecision, nor is it a good way to experiment and see if you can "wing it"; Heal Up 100% and get back in the Dating World or Chill Out like Derrick Rose and Wait. Don't be Kobe and come back too soon and end up with another injury, lol

      1. I've been single since New Years 2013!!! I'm 100% "healed" and would like to meet a Good Lady, but there are New Rules, Rules that contradict the Old and New Rules, folks saying Forget Rules but in the same breath are too stuck on Society's "standards", comparing Other People's Relationship Successes or Failures to their Own……….. I'm not on this stuff as a 26 year old College Grad and Father of a Kindergatten Daughter.

        I know what "works" for me, what I will Compromise on and what are Dealbreakers to me. No Newly Single Woman scares me BUT, i won't take her BS because she doesn't know if she can Move On Qucikly or Needs Time to Heal

  10. Number one rule on learning about approaching women:

    1) Don't EVER ask a woman, you ask a guy who has great success with tons of women (quantity matters too).

    The G that we run as men is meant to play on the morals and behaviors of women. When you're talking about behavior and getting a woman to respond in your favor, you gotta understand a lot of that is subconscious. So she wont even knowingly admit to, or understand that you got her by doing X, Y, and Z. And when you tell her about it she'll deny that it even worked on her.

    1. LOL! Really?

      Guys who catch the attention of a lot of women usually have a few things in common: confidence, security, and comfort within. Faking these traits is quite evident.

  11. How would a guy know she’s newly single unless he knew her. If he knows her then pay better attention, or better yet ask her if she’s ready. Otherwise, say hello and talk. Don’t be timid; it’s only cute on little kids and puppies. Act comfortably, as if you know her, but don’t be over zealous or too comfortable. (Don’t give her a nick name.) Speak up, say what you mean and mean what you say.

    MEN, every woman is different. What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for all. I’m a direct type of woman and appreciate the same in return. Don’t ask me stupid questions about my man, as opposed to asking whether or not I have one. This is a sure fire way to get ignored or lied to. With all due respect, if I needed to heal I don’t owe every man I meet an explanation about it.

    What is meant to be will be. It won’t take force or game to make it happen. If she turns you down, she’s not the one.

  12. ‘Thirsty’ Theodore approaches a girl on the street by running after her as she passes him on the opposite side of the street. He dashes through traffic, narrowly avoiding being crushed by a public transit bus, in the hopes of catching up to the ‘cute’ girl in tight yoga pants.

    Alpha Adam happened to be walking down the same street at the same time and notices a guy (Theodore) panting out of breath dashing through traffic to reach an average looking girl in tight yoga pants. He continues walking headed to the gym. He has allotted specific time to workout and nothing gets in the way. Especially not an average girl in tight yoga pants walking on the opposite side of the street.

    Adam check-ins at the front desk to his local gym and then proceeds to blast through a workout focused solely on himself. He’s made such improvement in the gym, he barely notices the hotties in the gym who continually eye fuck him as he works out. Adam notices, but his workout comes first. Adam finishes his workout feeling pumped and on top of the world.

    He walks out of the gym and approaches the crosswalk, where a hot girl in tight yoga pants is waiting for the cross signal. He casually looks over at her and a small smile escapes his lips. She smiles back. “I’m Adam, what’s your name?” “Michelle. Just get done working out?” she asks. “No. I normally wear workout clothes and walk around sweating like a whore in church”, Adam retorts with a smirk and a wink. Michelle giggles and punches Adam’s arm softly, an obvious indicator of interest. Just then the cross signal flashes ‘Walk’ and Michelle starts to cross the street.

    Adam continues his confident gait, but doesn’t scurry to keep up with Michelle. He’s walking on his terms, living his life and Michelle just passed through it. “Slow down Ms. Michelle”, Adam barks and Michelle looks back slightly surprised, but clearly happy that Adam was dominate enough to command her attention. She stops in her tracks waiting for Adam to meander up to her. Now in unison, they finish crossing the street. Adam already has his phone out and puts it in Michelle’s hand. “Put your number in. If you can keep up we’ll grab a drink sometime”. Michelle’s face lights up and she promptly types her number, first and last name into his phone. Adam already knows when a girl puts her last name in your phone too, this is another Indicator of Interest. “Cool”, Adam says. He turns to go leaving Michelle standing there basking in the glow of encountering an Alpha In The ‘Wild’.

    Meanwhile, Theodore is sitting in a Starbucks dejected contemplating his last pitiful approach. Let’s rewind and see what happened with his ‘thirsty’ approach.

    Last time we saw Theodore he was dashing through traffic and narrowly avoided getting killed by a public transit bus. He catches up to the average (but in his eyes ‘cute’ girl) in tight yoga pants. “Excuse me miss!”, Theodore yells out of breath. The average girl stops and turns. “Yes?” Theodore pauses for a couple of seconds to catch his breath. “I noticed you walking from across the street and would like to take you on a date sometime”. “Umm I don’t really do dates”, the girl responds. “Well, it doesn’t have to be a date, but if you allow me to take you out, then I can prove to you I can show you a great time. See I’m an investment banker and I-”, she cuts him off before he can finish. “I have a boyfriend, so no that’s not going to happen”. Theodore’s face falls and before he can respond, she turns on her heel and saunters off. If Theodore wasn’t so blinded by his ‘thirst’, he would have noticed the extra ten pounds of fat squeezing through her tight yoga pants. Theodore watches her walk away, before hanging his head and ducking into the Starbucks adjacent to the street.

  13. To understand the male experience, Dr. Warren had the women ask men out on a traditional dinner date. Women had to call the man, plan the evening, and initiate every step of the date. The men were told to be entirely passive, putting the burden of the evening on the woman. It was up to the women to risk rejection for any physical or sexual contact she wanted, with the men passively accepting or rejecting the women’s advances.

    Many of the women said they were unable to listen to what the man was saying because they were so worried about getting rejected. Instead of connecting with men, the women found themselves constantly thinking “How do I get this guy not to say no?”
    If women expect men to understand their struggles with weight and body image, they should also seek to understand men’s issues with rejection and game.

    Most women who criticize men’s pick-up tactics have never tried to approach a stranger, win their trust, and ask them out. Women are less likely to shame men’s attempts to improve their success with women, after experiencing the male role.

    Role-reversal can fun. In his book Why Men Are The Way They Are, Warren Farrell talks about going on “role-reversal dates” with women he knows where they exaggerate traditional roles – complete with her bringing flowers and him fighting “very hard against anything overtly sexual on our ‘first date.’” He says the experience is usually “hilarious” and “an amazing turn-on.”

    The intention isn’t to give up roles, but simply to understand the others experience better. I love the role I have, I love women who enjoy playing the feminine role, and I wouldn’t want to change either. While a woman might sympathize with a man’s challenges with rejection, she is still going to chose the most confident and appealing partner, the same way a man who understands women’s body issues still prefers the most attractive women.

    The way men feel towards ugly women is the way women feel towards men who give them “creepy” approaches. When women understand and care about men, they naturally improve their appearance, the same way men who understand and care about women naturally become more confident and less creepy.

    Rather than lowering our standards, and promoting something as absurd as fat or creep acceptance, understanding means become the most attractive version of ourselves.

    While Warren Farrell suggests men and women might be able to look past such things and solely at their partners capacity for love, unless biology changes, most men are going to continue to prefer attractive women, and most women are going to continue to prefer bold men.

    Thankfully, both our weight and game are things we can change. I’ve personally transformed myself in both areas, and much of the writing on this site is about how men can improve both their game and their body.

    Understanding is a two-way street. Ladies, if you’d like help dropping weight, I’d be glad to share what’s worked for me. After you’ve worked on your body, you can work on your understanding and compassion by planning an amazing date for us. Pick me up at eight. Bring flowers.

  14. Here it is boys, the What Women say n what they actually mean

    “We need to talk” = I need to complain about you

    “Have fun at the party” = do not have fun at the party

    “You don’t need to buy me a present” = you need to buy me a very expensive gift

    “Yes” = no

    “No” = yes

    “I’m very adventurous” = I’ve slept with every guy who gives me even a hint of attention

    “are you hungry?” = take me to dinner

    “we’re going to be late” = yes it took me five hours to get ready but it’s all your fault so drive faster who cares it’s your insurance not mine

    “you seem like a player” = I find you interesting

    “you’re such a jerk” = I am attracted to you

    “so why did you break up with your ex girlfriend” = what’s wrong with you

    “it’s getting kinda late” = I’m not going to have sex with you

    “so are we together” = I want you to stop f*cking other women

    “do you like me” = I like you

    “we have different values” = I found somebody else to fvck

    “I am tired of drama and BS” = I am very attracted to a**holes

    “I like your friends, but..” = I don’t like your friends

    “I want a man to spoil me” = im already having sex with one guy, but now i need an AFC to spend money on me

    “I’ve been really busy” = I don’t like you

    “Who’s that girl you were talking to” = are you having sex with that girl

    “I want to be friends first” = guys just pump and dump me so now im gonna take my insecurities out on you and make you wait

    “Im not ready for a relationship right now” = im not ready for a relationship with you, ever

    “I just don’t want a boyfriend right now” = I don’t want you as a boyfriend, ever

    “That’s okay” = I want to think long and hard about how I’m going to make you suffer

    “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes” = I’ll be ready in 2 hours

    “You don’t know how to communicate” = you need to do what I tell you

    “We can always still be friends” = there is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body ever touch any part of mine, ever again

    “I like you but..” = I don’t like you

    “There’s no one else I swear” = I’m banging two of your best friends

    “I love sex” = I love sex with other people, but not with you

    “I can’t believe I did that” = i do that all the time with other guys

    “I’ve never done that before!” = I do that all the time with other guys but will only do it with you once in a while so you think you’re special

    “We’re moving too fast” = I’m not ready to sleep with you again until I find out if the bad boy I got the hots for is out of prison yet

    “Do I look fat” = everything is going perfect so we need to fight

    “I cant believe i just sent you that picture!” = I do this all the time

    “Whatever” = f*ck off

    “Can you help me with ” = if I keep whining and making him think he will f*ck me the idiot will do what I say

    “Where are you?” = why aren’t you here doing things for me

    “I’m not sure what I want” = I don’t want you

    “You’re such a great guy!” = You’re a chump

    “I have a headache” = I won’t be having sex with you tonight

    “I’m tired, I think I’m just going to stay in tonight” = I’m going to fvck someone else tonight

    “I hate my ex” = I’m still in love with my ex but he won’t take me back

    “I’m so happy for you!” = I am jealous and not happy for you at all

    “I don’t care, let’s go wherever” = you better know where I want to be taken

    “It’s nothing” = this is a big deal

    “I think I’ll just stay in and take it easy” = you did something minor to make my gina dry up and I’m considering never talking to you again

    “yeah, I’m all for starting out dating non-monogamously” = if I even suspect you have a lunch date with someone else you are a player and a loser

    “I’m not ready to have sex yet” = You’ve still got 453 hoops to jump through cowboy

    “I was really an idiot to marry my ex” = I blame others for my own choices in life, and I was desperate and approaching the wall, besides, all my other girlfriends were getting married and I was afraid to be the last one

    “Men are all the same” = I refuse to change my ways because nothing is ever my fault

    “Your friends are awesome!” = once I get you to commit I’ll alienate every one of them from you and slowly isolate you and your wallet

    “I like to take it slow at first” = I’m still judging you and testing you

    “Let’s do something next week” = unless I get a better offer

    “I can’t stand my ex” = I think about doing him every night

    “I promise, I’m not a cat lady” = I am so totally a cat lady

    “Look at that skank” = I’m jealous of all the male attention she gets

    “I’m not in a position to do this properly and it wouldn’t be fair for you unless i could give it a proper shot” = i don’t like you anymore and i’ve already started looking for a new guy to f*ck

    “eww, i dont even like sex, d!cks are ugly” = I’m a total slut and feel like a piece of garbage for getting f*cked by so many worthless losers over the years

    “i don’t suck d*ck” = i don’t suck YOUR d*ck

    “I just think we need some space” = Im thinking of sucking and fukking this other guy or multiple guys but im not sure yet, i will let you know at your lowest point, for now ill keep you in suspense

    “call me on Thursday to confirm” = you’re my backup plan. I have almost no intention of actually going out with you

    “I really like you as a friend” = I’m not going to sleep with you or date you, but you can take me out and buy me dinner if I don’t have anything better going on

    “do you mind if I leave some of my things at your place” = I want other women to know you’re seeing someone

    “sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, I was so busy with work/feeling sick” = take a hint, I could not possibly care any less about you

    “sorry I turned my phone off/battery died” = I was busy with some other guy

    “sorry I can’t make it this Friday after all” = I found something better to do

    “I don’t get along with girls because they’re jealous of me” = I don’t get along with girls because I’m a stuck up b*tch

    “It’s not really going to be a couples thing, so maybe we’ll meet up after?” = I don’t want my friends to think I’m dating you seriously

    “it’s just girls night out” = I’m looking for the bigger better deal (BBD)

    “I don’t care about money you know I’m not like that” = yeah sure that’s why you brought it up

  15. When approaching single women, you probably can get some indication whether or not they are over their ex. You will either need to give them some space and more time if you think you might have a lot in common or just cut your losses and move on. If she says no instantly, let her be.
    My recent post Dating rules for men and women that can’t fail


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