Home Other Stuff We Like SBM Sports: How to Win $1 Billion

SBM Sports: How to Win $1 Billion


It’s time to cash out.

Warren Buffett agreed to fleece Dan Gilbert put up $1 billion of his own money to anyone who completes a perfect bracket in the Quicken Loans sponsored challenge. Now, we all could obviously use an extra billion dollars. I’d be able to pay off about a quarter of my Sallie Mae debt. And I could probably afford a Civic or something. And I figure you could find a thing or two to spend it on.

So how do we get this money?

There’s a cliché about this. Something like, “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always get.” Well for me, that means pretending I know something about all these teams, making educated guesses, then bitter, crushing disappointment.

But this time there’s a billion dollars on the line.

So, it’s time to switch things up. Here is your unofficial guide to a billion dollars:

Picture YOUR name here
Picture YOUR name here

Eat some chalk

I know it’s no fun to pick favorites (commonly referred to as “chalk” teams). The bracket is always more fun with randomness…at least until the games that matter. But it’s time to admit the NCAA Selection Committee knows what it’s doing. Crazy upsets happen less often than it seems. When in doubt, pick the favorite and move on.

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By the way, that means Kentucky isn’t beating Wichita State.

The wisdom of the secretary

For this to work, you’re going to have to let go of the pesky idea that you actually know what’s going to happen.

It’ll be hard.

Like when you realized the Tooth Fairy lived in your house. Or when I realized women pooped (was in serious denial about this until about Junior year of undergrad).

Anyone who has filled out a bracket has lost to the secretary, or the foreign guy who has never seen a basketball game. Don’t get mad. Use that blind luck to profit.

Take a matchup you’re confused about, ask someone who could care less, and roll with it.

I tried it…and I have North Dakota State in my Sweet 16. DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF THE SECRETARY!

Have a favorite team? They probably suck

Chances are you’re like me. Your favorite teams usually don’t win the championship. I was incredibly close in last year’s tournament with my Michigan Wolverines. They were screwed lost a close one in the championship game to Louisville. Instead of being bitter, I’m embracing it. By the way, this was called a foul:

Your favorite team never wins. Don’t screw yourself out of a billion dollars being a fan.

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I have Michigan losing in the championship to Florida this year. Would it be a soul-crushing loss? Of course. But soul-crushing losses are what it means to be a sports fan.

Otherwise, I’d be one of those losers who only cheers for the Yankees, Seminoles, Patriots, and Heat. Hate those guys.

Think long, think wrong

The final piece of advice would be to set it and forget it when it comes to your bracket. You have no idea what’s going to happen anyway, so don’t stress about it.

Why spend 10 minutes agonizing over an Elite Eight matchup that won’t ever happen?

Don’t. Pick the favorite, trust the secretary, or pick against your favorite team.

Well there you have it: four foolproof steps to a perfect bracket and a billion dollars. If you’re reading this and do get Warren Buffett’s money, you owe me a hundred grand. This post is a contract.

Those are my keys to riches this year, what are yours? Who do you have taking it all this year?

Share your billion dollar secrets in the comments below!


  1. I was going to sit this March Madness this year, as my new job doesn't allow me to watch TV, but with This Right Here- I'm In. IF I get close to a Billion, I HOPE Mr. Buffet or Gilbert calls to offer me $10 million to Walk Away…….. and I will Take It in a Heartbeat.

    $10 million is $10 MILLION, and offers like that NEVER happen in Life, until Now

    1. I read that they will offer $250 million if someone reaches the Final Four with a perfect bracket. I wouldn't even let them finish that sentence before I said "YES!!"

  2. My bracket rules
    1. Never trust Syracuse
    2. Always pick a 12 over a 5
    3. Ask my girl to pick 8 vs 9 games based off whatever random idea she has
    4. a player of the year is good to make it out the first weekend
    5. Don't be blinded by Duke hate
    6. Trust the streaky white shooter
    7. Tom to the Izzo will always make the Elite to the Izzeight
    8. Don't trust west coast schools
    My recent post Today’s Word is… PRIVACY

  3. Good post Joe. Man, paying that Sallie Mae bill would be great if I could win.
    My only advice is to look at trends over the past few years.
    I personally think Iowa State is going to be the sleeper pick this year. Despite not having much size, their starting 4 averages a double double. My money is on Florida this year.

    1. I have this feeling that all of a sudden 158 people will have perfect brackets. Like that one Martin episode where he won the lottery, bought all this stuff, then realized 38 other people did too, lol.

      I have Iowa State in my Elite 8 and Florida winning as well. I'm gonna be SO mad when I get a perfect bracket then get $47 somehow.

  4. I have FL cutting down the nets this year. But the game I'm most looking forward to is that L'ville/Wichita rematch. I've never watched a Dayton game but I have them upsetting Ohio State, no idea why, other than flipping a coin.

    1. That's as good a system as any. And as a Michigan fan, I FULLY support any system that ends up with Ohio State looking as bad as possible.

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