Home Featured Messing With The Guy You Don’t “Like” Might Lower Your Stock

Messing With The Guy You Don’t “Like” Might Lower Your Stock


It’s no secret that men and women are wired differently. These differences show themselves in a myriad of ways. We spend more time than we’d like to admit just scratching our heads at one another. It’s why I and other SBM writers write. We seek to bridge a gap with understanding.  We’re a melting pot of perspectives. We know full well that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. With that said…

Why do some ladies mess with men they don’t really like?

What do I mean? Well in the past I have asked women this same question. Here’s what I’ve gathered.  Their logic is that it’s easier to be involved sexually at times with a guy they’re not emotionally connected to. I know this is not what all women may think. The truth is that some do share that sentiment though. When I use the word “like” I’m not referring to physical attraction. I’m talking about really being into someone. Some ladies don’t want to risk being hurt. So in that breath it makes sense to them to get their “fix” from a guy that they could care less about beyond their needs.

Well we happen to be in a free country.

And I can certainly understand the logic, especially as a defense mechanism.  But conversely this can also backfire on you ladies. The barometer that is used for a guy you want to sleep with has to be tweaked. At the very least you want to be dealing with a guy who still has your best interest. You want him to respect your wishes. It’s not the best idea to simply deal with someone because you don’t think you’d be hurt by them.

See Also:  Single Black Mail Episode 5: "Hotline Bling"

I’ve certainly talked to women in the past who have told me they didn’t want to mess with me because they really liked me. As a teen and in my early twenties it boggled my mind. Now as I think about it, I sort of get it. But to you ladies I ask you is it worth it? The cons of dealing sleeping with a guy you aren’t into in terms of personality etc. can leave ugly marks. In some settings it can mean defamation. In other situations it could mean mistreatment of you.

None of you deserve to be treated in such a way.

You owe it to yourselves to protect yourself a bit better. My advice is that if you want to be sexual without feelings, a guy’s personality still has to be taken into account. I know many dudes lie. How you decide to weed guys out is completely up to you. Don’t negate the fellas you do like either. They’re the ones who really do have your best interest at heart. In my experience, the same ladies who were reluctant to be involved with me eventually were. I’m not bragging by a long shot. I say that to say that I now had an opportunity to show them that I could treat them in the respectful manner in which they deserved.

See Also:  Another Year Goes By and I'm Feeling Fine

So today I just wanted to add a little perspective. Give a little food for thought. If you’ve been a lady to turn down guys that you really might like. Don’t rule out tweaking your gameplan. You can still create a situation that works for you. Do any ladies relate to this scenario? Let’s speak on it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status


  1. My rule of thumb has always been that in a friends with benefits situation, it’s always best to deal with someone who you don’t see as boyfriend material simply because it’s very hard for woman to NOT catch feelings when she likes a man’s personality AND his penis. You have to find someone that you have fun with and can trust to be mature about the situation. I have one friend that I’ve dealt with on and off for 7 years and we KNOW we would never be good in a relationship, but we get along very well, trust each other, have FANTASTIC sex, and know each other’s entire family.

    1. I’ve tried but they almost always catch feelings, cuz awesome. Your situation works because its as much friendship as it is benefits, people become so focused on trying to detach themselves they forget that they cut buddy is just a regular person

  2. This strategy ‘works’ because for some reason the men a woman is not into tend to be more into her. So he will treat her well… Its just not what she wants. It’s definitely more of a risk to mess with someone you are really feeling. Then again high reward is usually proceded by high risk.

    1. This is an interesting take. Hadn’t thought about it, but it’s not surprising. The idea of risking long-term happiness (long relationship) vs. short-term happiness (relationship ending) doesn’t seem like the best move, but I could see how someone would think that way. Especially if they’ve been hurt or let down before. Shouldn’t be their life long crutch though.

  3. First, I have never refused to date a man I was totally into (read: hoping we could try a relationship one day). However, I have refused to date men that, at the mere sight of them, I was feenin…in that Jodeci kind of way, lol. These were the men that I knew by instinct would have me stuck on stupid. “What? Sneak out? Take you shopping? Be the lookout while you rob a bank? I gotchu as long as we’re meeting up afterwards!” And the more I said no, the more they pursued…and the more I avoided them, the more they realized I was running (in my Forrest Gump voice), and they’d try to bait me. I have no idea how they knew I was a secret swooner, LOL. But, I got away, y’all!
    I’ve never passed the time with a man I didn’t really like. And I don’t toy with the feelings of men who like me like that while I don’t share the same feelings. That’s cruel. That may save women from heartbreak but it exposes that poor man too it. That’s how you end up as the topic of a show on the ID network, lol…

    1. “some ladies mess with men they don’t really like?” Seriously…..where they do that at? Even the reason why sounds azz backwards. I’m with Cyn. Never done that. Makes no sense to me. Dating is about taking chances. There are Never any guarantees. Anyone who wants guarantees and doesn’t want to take a chance, doesn’t need to date.
      If your grown then you should be able to put on ya big girl panties and get over it. In the game of love, (and life) sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose. It is what it is. Purposely not being with someone who likes you but you don’t like and are not attracted to is crazy as hell.
      It’s also very unfair to the other person. It also does not keep you from getting hurt, just makes you look like an idiot.
      Cyn I’ve also ran from a few men that were “too good to be true” and just too damn fine for there own good. Totally feel you on that. With me I think it was just my trust issues getting in the way. lol. What can I say, I’m human.

      1. Girl, just too fine!!!!! Too fine for me to have found a reason to finish school, go to work, hang with my friends, LOL! One of the guys faces was used for an ad on side of the MTA buses at the time!!!! Fine, fine, FINE!!!!!
        Kameron, if you see this…I’m sorry if you were really interested, lol. We were much younger so I’m sure it wasn’t super deep to you at all. But, you were just so fine that the idea of dealing with you scared me to death!!!!! And when I saw you again a year or two later and had to tell you I was married, please know I cried on the inside a little, lol. Cause I wouldn’t have been scared then!!!!! LOL!

        1. lol…I just thought of that Cece Peniston song “It was inside that I cried.” lol. I feel your pain Cyn. One of the 3 finest guys in hs liked me. I went to a catholic hs. They were all white. But this one was gorgeous. Pretty green eyes, dark hair, tall, athletic, and sexy as hell. I never believed him or took him seriously. He practically begged me to go to the senior prom with him, asked me to go on a ski trip, asked me to go with them to Cancun for spring break. I purposely didn’t go to the Senior prom because I couldn’t face him after I turned him down. I always said no. Plus my friend Stephanie really liked him our freshman year. It’s funny cause I was tryin to hook him and Steph up, (and play match-maker), and he was flirting with me and liked me. I never had the heart to tell her, so I just told her he had a gf or something. He and I became real good friends after that though. My friends knew he liked me and kept telling me to get with him. But at 16 I knew I was nowhere near ready for an interracial relationship, much less with a guy as fine as him. I just knew he would break my little teenage heart. lol. Our senior year, on the last day of school he wrote in my yearbook how much he liked me and wanted to date me and be more than friends. He listed all of the things he liked about me and wrote something so sweet and sincere I broke down and cried. At the end of his message he said “you never believed me or took me seriously, but I was very serious. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” Those were the days…..young love…..*sigh*

        2. LOL @ all this!!!! Funny and sweet. You passed on prom AND Cancun?!?! Lawd!!!!
          Every now and then, you go pull that yearbook and read that message, don’t you?! LOL!

        3. Girl I sho nuff did for long while. I kept every love letter I ever got from a boy. After a while I had to get over and move on. I did try to find him on facebook. No such luck 🙁 Just wanted to see if he was still fine 😉 *smile*

      2. Remember falling in love and getting married is relatively new. Historically speaking people have always found someone that would make a good mate. Not neccessarily the one that makes your heart flutter.

  4. So we’re calling out women why? I’m fairly certain men do this as well, and it’s equally as be cuddling! I don’t get it tho. I’m not really good at keeping up a front and my patience has gotten shorter over the years, if I’m not feeling u, I know pretty quickly and u exit stage left.

    1. +1000 on that Jas…I’m way too transparent to be fakin it. Plus I can’t stand when people be fakin on the turkey bacon..smdh

  5. I may have messed around with a guy who I wasn’t really feeling, but it was really out of boredom and afterwards, I pretty much always felt like it was just a waste of time. Typically, the sex and all other aspects (but mainly the sex) are better when you’re with someone who you genuinely like.

  6. Never did this… I don’t understand it at all.

    Why waste time with someone you don’t like?

    I would like to know if the women liked the guy initially or if they knew from the rip that he was not relationship material?

    Personally, I don’t like being misled, so I don’t mislead. I’m a pretty good judge of character and I cannot tolerate nonsense or incompatibility.

  7. yeah i’ve seen this type of thing and i’m not so sure it’s a definite way for women to protect themselves though i follow the logic. my view is that it can work both ways depending on the persons involved

  8. I understand why a women would only mess with a man she isn’t into if sex was the only thing on the table. I mean why get emotionally involved if that’s all the man is offering you? But if sex isn’t the only thing on the table and you guys have potential beyond why cut them off? I personally refuse to mess around with anyone that I don’t see as relationship potential. I mean why sleep with someone that you don’t even deem good enough to be your man. Yes, that has lead me to be very frustrated lol and pent up but honestly If you don’t even like the brother why are you giving up the cookie? lol just saying


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This