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Why Being A “Messy” Man Is A Bad Look


You need to keep your hoe on a leash!

Those were the words of Steve Carell in The 40 Year Old Virgin. The actual scene is in the above photo. Harsh words from a pretty mild-mannered dude right? Well, on one end he was simply covering up for his cheating friend. On the other end, his commentary spoke to something we have to own. That means us fellas. I’m not saying we need to keep “hoes” on a leash. That language is not becoming of me…just kidding. But we as men have to have a control on your relations.

Not too long ago Dr.J wrote a post on Madame Noire called Why Are Men So Prone To Kiss And Tell? I’ll leave you to it to check it out. But in a general sense, the post speaks of an ideal he lives by. He’s discreet about his dealings with women. He suggests that as men we all should be. An OG passed that info to him just as some did to me growing up. This post pretty much piggybacks on that mentality. You see, it would behoove us as men to not be messy. And what I mean by messy is not keeping your dealings with women in order.

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Now I keep using the word “men.”

That’s not to refer to our gender as much as it is to refer to our role. A huge part of being a man is being responsible. We’ve got to be responsible on many different fronts. Now we won’t be by no means perfect. But the goal daily is to try and be better. Messy situations to me wreak of some sort of irresponsibility. Now don’t get me wrong, being messy makes for great reality television. Shit, everyone tunes in to see your boy Stevie J. And some can’t  get enough of the poor man’s Stevie J, Peter Gunz. But with that, said messiness has its place. Maybe that’s in front of some cameras for a check. But here in real life there’s no place for it. There’s no place for it if you’re looking to build. There’s no place for it if you want trust. And there’s certainly no place for it if you’re looking to be taken seriously.

 We’ve all seen  women confront other women because of a guy.

Words might be said. Hair might be pulled. Maybe a shorty threw a few punches. I’m not too sure If I’ve ever thought to myself why the guy in question never prevented such a thing. The mentality that I’ve always had was that if a woman respected me then she wouldn’t go off and do something she knew I wouldn’t approve of. So the answer could be that maybe some guys are fine with their girls fighting other women. I just happen to think it’s not a good look.

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As men, we’re called to be strong, assertive, and consistent individuals.

We’ve got to be the buoy in the ocean that is a woman. Looking like you’ve lost control of a situation looks more juvenile than anything. I don’t write this to put down any guy. And I sure don’t write this to come off as perfect. This is just to encourage all of us to clean up some things that we need to. It’ll make us better men. Maybe even more importantly, it’ll bring us to the right ladies. That’s the hope at least. What do you all consider messy? Have you been in a messy situation? Let’s get into it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status


  1. What’s messy?
    All these men dating transwomen on the low and pretending they’re heteronormative men. I’m seeing too much of it…
    1. Eddie Murphy and Ashton Dip (his trans friend)
    2. Donald Sterling and “Viviano.” (knew $he was a tran$ from the first pic, dudes following her Insta, actin like they cant tell, da fudge is going on?)
    Like people don’t know anybetter. People need to be clear about what they are about and what they are looking for. As they used to say. “You ain’t gotta front to kick it!”
    I support gender freedom/LGBT communities, but what the hell is up with “straight” men lusting over trans, and pretending they dont know? DL on the rise?..If you’re gay, be gay. Don’t be gay in private and up in women’s faces the next morning! My gay friend tells me how easy it is to get straight men (black guy). Im like, what are you sayin?!

    1. Yeah, that’s definitely messy. Don’t forget the homie Mister Cee, a habitual gender line stepper. As a society we definitely struggle defining sexuality to the point ninjas running around not quite sure what they like or how to go about it.

  2. I feel like a large portion of my opinions boils down to one fact, relationships are optional. Its so much easier to not be with her a**, hakuna mutata. There’s a reason its called cheating, you aren’t playing fair. I rather hurt your feelings as a single man than betray your trust as a messy ninja. Be good or be good at it….word to Bobby Petrino.

    1. “I rather hurt your feelings as a single man than betray your trust as a messy ninja.” Better trademark that before some fake deep ninja steals it lol the gospel summed up in 1 sentence

  3. I agree. Being known as a messy dude, or a messy person in general, is not a good look.

    It indicates that you lack an ability to properly handle your business.

    It also clearly let’s everyone know that you have serious issues with prioritizing too.

    IF a man is going to elect to ‘juggle’ multiple women, he should at least walk into that situation knowing how to catch.

    Personally, I don’t cosign ‘juggling’ or take part in it. Therefore, I’ve never experienced a messy situation firsthand.

  4. This post gets a complete co-sign. Great job, Pops…
    I’ve def been in the midst of a few messy situations as a youngster. As an adult, it was def without knowledge…so that joint was def the result of a sloppy man.
    Now, I can’t speak for men, but the older I get, the less energy I have to lie…and I’ve never had much in the first place. Lying isn’t my struggle. But, pride alone just seems like it should full stop an adult from having to make up a fantasy situation necessary for juggling two+ people. I’m with Tristan. Why not be single and do you like a real G?

  5. Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Year Disguised as a Man

    Here is what she wrote about dating women as a man:

    For these women, men as a subspecies – not the particular men with whom they had been involved – were to blame for the wreck of a relationship and the psychic damage it had done them. It’s hardly surprising, then, that in this atmosphere, as a single man dating women, I often felt attacked, judged, on the defensive.

    Many of my dates – even the more passive ones – did most of the talking. I listened to them talk literally for hours about the most minute, mind-numbing details of their personal lives; men they were still in love with, men they had divorced, roommates and co-workers they hated, childhoods they were loath to remember yet somehow found the energy to recount ad nauseam. Listening to them was like undergoing a slow frontal lobotomy.

    Weren’t people supposed to be on their best behaviour on first dates? Weren’t they supposed to at least pretend an interest in the other person, out of politeness if nothing else?

    The women I met wanted a man to be confident. They wanted in many ways to defer to him. I could feel that on many dates, the unspoken desire to be held up and led, whether in conversation or even in physical space, and at times it made me feel quite small in my costume, like a young man must feel when he’s just coming of age and he’s suddenly expected to carry the world under his arm like a football. And some women did find Ned too small physically to be attractive. They wanted someone, they said, who could pin them to the bed or, as one woman put it, “someone who can drive the bus”. Ned was too willowy for that. I began to understand from the inside why Robert Crumb draws his women so big and his diminutive self begging at their heels or riding them around the room.

    Yet as much as these women wanted a take-control man, at the same time they wanted a man who was vulnerable to them, a man who would show his colours and open his doors, someone expressive, intuitive, attuned. This I was in spades, and I always got points for it. But I began to feel very sympathetic toward heterosexual men – the pressure to be a world-bestriding colossus is an immensely heavy burden to bear, and trying to be a sensitive new age guy at the same time is pretty well impossible. Expectation, expectation, expectation was the leitmotif of Ned’s dating life

  6. “Messy”? Such a chick term. But the point is well made.

    It is the to the benefit of any man that he “keeps his house in order”. Failing to do so will chip away at his self-respect and ultimately the respect that is given to him by those around him.

    Its impossible for things to ‘go according to plan’ all the time, as there will be circumstances and/or situations that arise that are not in any given man’s best interest albeit a result of his own undoing or otherwise.

    In other words, sh*t will ALWAYS happen. Things do get ‘out of order’ from time to time. Fact of life.

    But the true mark of a man’s house is how he handles a situation when it arises. Is he capable of diffusing things so that the result is a net wash; or perhaps it all works in his favor; or maybe he is the type to exacerbate the situation into chaos and mayhem.

    In the end, keep your house in order for yourself and not as a means to an end. Women should not be the motivation behind you avoiding to appear “messy”. You’d be better off doing it for the vine before you do it for anyone else; so do it for yourself.

    Mr. SoBo

    Check out: Shhh…9 Secrets Women Won’t Tell Their Men

  7. You used the perfect word to describe this behavior – RESPONSIBILITY. That sense of responsibility that men have toward the women they love or simply deal with, have now been blurred because their responsibility is now to play up the modern-day image of a man…mostly what we see on Reality TV and hear in music. It is even sad for me to see, as a youth educator, how young men are actually grooming themselves in this behavior because they believe that THIS MESSINESS is the standard for defining a man. In retrospect, I think Black men (as well as women), should really be mindful of this because we are certainly setting our future generations up for failure…the worst is…it’s all in the public eye!! GOOD READ!!!


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