Home Featured You Want a Ring? Play Your Position.

You Want a Ring? Play Your Position.


common dating mistakes women make

At one time or another dating was easy. It was about going out with someone and having fun. There was no pressure when it came to dating. But nowadays, it seems as if women are really putting the pressure on these men and expecting some type of committed relationship after a couple of months of dating. Even though there are different situations when it comes to dating, one thing’s for sure: many women tend to make the same mistake. And since most men think in sports terms when it comes to us women, I thought I’d do the same. So I’m breaking down my opinion on common instances that come up while dating a guy and how women mess things up from a sports aspect.

At some point, the question of why each of you are single comes up. He lets you know he’s single by choice, not ready for the responsibility of a girlfriend, or he’s still working on himself. Naturally women accept these answers and agree with him that they too are doing the same thing and not tripping about a relationship – FOUL! If you know that’s not how you feel, why agree? Why not let him know your expectations? When you agree with him and add the extra “I’m not looking to get into a relationship either,” you’ve basically agreed to be friends until his further notice.

Sometimes women begin to formulate the thought that she can change him – TECHNICAL FOUL! When will women learn that you can’t change a man? A man makes the change for himself. The only thing a woman can change about a man is his style of dress and the décor of his living quarters and that’s as close as you’re going to get. In your eyes, you can be the best thing that came into his life, but if he’s not ready to settle down he’s not going to. If anything, he’ll have the luxury of having a friend doing girlfriend-like duties.

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Months have passed and things are going well then something clicks and for whatever reason a woman needs more. All of a sudden you need a title to justify this relationship. So you take it upon yourself to do the top 3 offenses. Offense #1 – you ask him “what is this” “what are we doing” and “where do you see us?” Offense #2 – you express to him now that you don’t date to date and you date with purpose and you don’t want to feel like you’re wasting your time. Offense #3- you tell him you stopped dealing with other guys for and/or because of him – EJECTED!

Being ejected is simple, it just means while playing in the dating game,  you demonstrated serious offenses and must be sent to the locker room to think about what you did. Doesn’t mean that you won’t play in future games (continue dating him)  but you might not get as much playing time. Basically it might not be as good as it was because he may not be on the same page as you and now he knows you want a relationship.

As stated before there are all types of different situations when it comes to dating. I do think that a lot of women get ahead of themselves and cause their own hurt and pain. We get caught in our feelings and let feelings get the best of us and the situation. Learn to suppress your feelings with a thing called reality. The reality is you may not end up with that person. When first getting to know him express how you feel about dating and if he’s not on board, no love lost. Changing a man is not going to happen so quit trying!

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You must learn to be quiet. If he treats you right without the title, stop stressing about it and stop pressing him about it. You don’t need it to justify your happiness. Women have to understand throughout all of this you have a choice: stay or go. The beautiful part about dating is you’re just dating. Therefore you have no obligation to this person which means you can cut ties at any time.

I honestly feel that men appreciate and respond better to a woman who isn’t waiting on them and who doesn’t feel like she’s wasting her time. This is the woman that rarely presses the relationship talk, but if she does she knows how to deliver it. This is the woman that doesn’t question his whereabouts, why he hasn’t called, and why they don’t spend a lot of time together (nor blow up his phone). This is the woman that has her own thing going on; it’s called her own life. I really do believe that the woman who plays her position will have a better chance of coming out on top with that championship title and ring that every woman eventually wants.


Southern California native, currently residing outside of the Los Angeles area. 33 years old single and kid less just living the life that I love. I work full time, I work part time and I go to school part time let’s just say everyday I’m hustlyn….I used to be a part of an all woman online radio station called Devyns Playground, so I’m use to discussing my opinion with men and women from all different backgrounds. I’m very neutral when it comes to certain discussion I find myself agreeing with men and sometimes I stand firm with my ladies. There’s nothing wrong with playing on both sides of the fence that’s how you learn.
twitter.com/hustlyndiva | [email protected]


  1. You hit it on the nose with the women trying to change or geting caught up all in they feelings. Men are guilty of it too though. Its that pressure from society that tells women that you gotta have the perfet man and tells men you gotta have as many of the perfect women as you can at once. Everybody wants what they can’t have and will never be satisfied with it if they ever attain it. Being comfortable with ones self seems like the only way to really be happy, then a gain what do I know. Great post though!

  2. I truly detest, with every fiber of my being, any phrase like “play your position” or “know your role”. I think that there were some arguably good points in this post but after reading that phrase, my mind shut down and went numb lol

    1. Would you feel similarly if this post was about the positions and roles that men must play to have successful relationships with women?

      1. Not in the least quite honestly…. I get the idea behind “play your position” but I think that it implies I can only act in one way in other to be deserving of someone. And I don’t think, man or woman, that’s fair. How can you authentically be you in a relationship if you too busy trying to fit into a role dictated by someone else?

  3. I think a lot of what the author said can back fire also. In my past I’ve always played the “cool” girl… never questioned where the situation was going, never “tripped” over un-returned calls/texts or broken plans because I wanted to come off as understandable and not “that girl”… in the end things never worked.. when asked why I got the ” well it didnt seem like you really cared, you were too cool with everything”. Sometime being “that girl” as a woman is what is expected lol. So when it comes to playing position I had to learn to play “that” position and I’ve had no problem since.

    1. Kwazi, I have to agree with you on how this could backfire. I too just had a discussion with a guy I used to date and he said I played it “too cool.” Never really set any expectations for the relationship. Apparently no man wants a woman he can just walk all over.

    2. The difference between coasting through a situationship (what you’ve described) and playing it cool (i.e not pressed) is, as the author explicitly stated, telling your guy/girl what you are looking for/how you feel about dating from the onset. If you never make it clear what you want, its definitely going to look like you don’t care. If you make it clear that a relationship is what you want, but you’re okay with being patient and not pressed while that level of interaction and commitment develops naturally, your outcome WILL be different, as you’ve experienced.

  4. “You must learn to be quiet.”

    On SBM, that could be taken waaay out of context. I think these things in my head (…and I keep ‘em in there). However I respect your bravery.

    “If he treats you right without the title, stop stressing
    about it…You don’t need it to justify your happiness.”

    …get out of my head!!!

  5. There’s never going to be a right or wrong way when it comes to dating, it all comes down to what works for the individual. People hate the “play your position, know your role” especially women but the reality is, it isnt going anywhere… We’ve all done it some point in your life and either worked for you or it didn’t to each its own.

    1. That’s a great point.

      Plus, whether people are willing to admit it or not, the fact is God created men and women differently for a reason.

      Both men and women have a distinct purpose and design, that God intended.

      The confusion comes along when people are unaware of those purposes and designs and have no desire to learn more about them.

      As a result, they become upset and walk through life without an understanding of the big picture.

      The bottom line is that both men and women have specific roles and positions. There is no denying that, no matter what people want to say or debate. It’s truth.

      The key is to gain an understanding of our role and position and that of the other gender.

      Proceeding through life with that knowledge results in our relationships becoming a lot more manageable…and likely much more easier too.

      Thank you so much for writing this piece and sharing your thoughts.

  6. mannnnn, I loved this lol. I’ve always said that I’ve been quicker to want to commit to a woman who didn’t “press” me. I’m very much a go with the flow kind of person. I’ve found that the ladies that didn’t press me as much were less stressful. We had more fun together. Our conversations were so lighthearted. Those kinds of women are breaths of fresh air I swear. I enjoyed your analogies as I love using sports analogies in my writing too. Great post.

  7. I get it but, as I discussed with a friend earlier, there is no cookie cutter way.
    Man or woman, be honest about what your needs/expectations are from the jump. Not in a scary, “I want to marry you in a month” kind of way, but basically, be responsible for your own happiness/comfort. If you’re getting what you need from the relationship, stick around and enjoy it. If not, state what your needs are. If they meet them, cool and if they don’t, move along.
    Most of the ppl you date aren’t “it”. It’s the nature of the dating beast. In most cases, it’s not that you did something wrong. You just weren’t meant to be or didn’t mesh well. And that’s ok.

    1. I agree personally I never played the cook chick role and have gotten to the relationship title aspect in a few relationships. I think the thing that caused a change in me was my attitude about a few things but the arguments were never about look what is this. I’ve seen cool chicks get played to the left and heartbroken. I don’t think it’s anything wrong with legging a guy know if we continue to talk then we are moving towards a relationship. My current guy and I established exclusivity around month two. We are moving in a wonderful direction however it’s month forth and once month six roles around I don’t plan on still introducing him as my friend to people. If that intimidates him or makes him feel some type of way after six months then that’s not the man for me. I don’t expect that to happen though I predict the outcome will be in a relationship favor.

  8. This blog post steams from conversations that Ive had with guy friends, guys that I was talking to and from working on a radio show. And from what Ive expierenced and heard from the “horses mouth” was that had this woman that they happen to be dealing with just chilled out and played cool about the whole relationship thing they probably would have worked out.
    What I had to learn is, sometimes it isn’t always a mans fault in my past sometimes it was in fact mine. And the position for me is the chilled relaxed chick, because it’s less stressful. Im about having fun and not about some titled relationship…If it comes; so be it, but Im not pressed about it. This is who I am, Im not “playing” a role to be a mans #1 catch. Its worked in my favor and it hasn’t, its life. My set expectations are respecting me and respecting our friendship and if the guy doesn’t or starts to fall off, since we’re just dating I can leave at any time. Also I’ve learned that when I stopped talking and listened I started to learn more about men. A man will tell on himself if you let him talk but you have to be quiet in order to hear him….But as stated this post was my expierences and from conversations/stories from men from all different walks of life..

    1. I read an article almost a year ago on The Frisky, “8 Pieces of Dating Wisdom I Wish I Could Have Given My Single Self”. I have shared the article with many women in the throws of the single life…but this one line is worth mentioning.
      “When something’s right, there’s nothing you can do to screw it up.”
      Believing that is soo freeing…well for me, it was, lol.

      1. That’s really bad advice. It may be freeing but many of us have experienced when something was so right and so perfect and then it got screwed up because of circumstance. I wouldn’t agree with advising someone to relinquish the responsibility of not screwing it up… just because they think that’s some indicator of if it’s right or not.

        1. And of course I disagree, lol. I said nothing of relinquishing anything. Of course you should be your best self in all situations as much as you can help it. But at the end of the day, what’s not meant won’t be…regardless of whether or not you did all the “right” things. If it was so “right” it wouldn’t be sooo over, lol.
          Everybody has to do what works for them. This has worked for me.

        2. You switched up what you said. I guess I have to ask the question directly:

          Do you think that if everything is right, there’s nothing you can possibly do to screw it up? Therefore, you can pretty much do whatever and it will still be?

          It’s not really about doing the “right” things. I never said anything about some preconceived notion of “right” things. I said that even when it’s right, if you don’t take care of it, it will fail.

        3. When the relationship is right or meant to be/last, there is nothing you can do to screw it up. Yes, I believe that. If it ends, for whatever reason, it was supposed to. I think Tina & Teddy Campbell are a good example of the worst that can happen and things still working out (at least for now, lol…we can revisit that example in a few years).
          If a relationship fails, it’s cause it wasn’t meant to last. Do people do dumb stuff in relationships? Yup. But, that means something wasn’t as right about the relationship as they may have thought…
          We can agree to disagree. 🙂

  9. —women are really putting the pressure on these men and expecting some type of committed relationship after a couple of months of dating—

    Yeah, just like men are now putting the pressure on women to smash after a couple of texts and a meal of TicTacs.
    Please shut your arse up. Single Black Male, your intelligence quotient this year slowly continues to drain. SMDH.

  10. I agree with everything that you said. Too many women go for the oakie doke and if a man says they don’t want a relationship, women “say ” they are cool even though, they really want him to be their man. Thus, feelings get hurt when they realize they can’t make him change his mind down the line.
    Great post.

    1. If a man says he does not want a relationship, I say cool. But if he wants sex, as they all do eventually, then I want a titled exclusive relationship. Until then we just date.

  11. I like this, very refreshing when a Woman “gets” what Guys have been saying for the longest and Understands the Messages/Meaning(s). Some Things are Simple and Some are Complex, but just like Ladies want Men to LISTEN and Comprehend, We Expect the Same Treatment

  12. Brav -fcuking- O.

    Spoken like a person who truly gets it. Of course this will come with its criticisms as there will be a bevy of women who will refuse to accept such an approach to dating is sensible because it speaks to taking 100% responsibility for yourself, your dating choices AND the outcomes they produce. Something not many are willing to accept. The bottom line is that most relationship outcomes are primarily due to the choices and approach taken by the individual. We like to point fingers not noticing the three that are pointing right back at us when we do so.
    Good read.

    My Post: Horrible Mistakes Women Make In Relationships

    Another Good Post: Deadly Mistakes Men Make In Relationships

    Good Post: If You Wanna Cuddle, Go Find A Teddy Bear: Why Jump Offs Forget Their Role

    Mr. SoBo

  13. I don’t know how I feel about telling women to play their position. In fact, I don’t agree much at all. Here’s what I think has to happen. I think that a woman (or anyone for that matter) needs to figure out what they need and the level of engagement they need in a partner. Then, they need to only deal with people who meet those requirements. Listen to me, if you are a woman who is looking to get married in a year from the time you start dating there is a man who wants the same thing. If you want to be in a relationship before spending any concerted energy there is a man who wants the same thing. It’s bad business to date a guy and be patient for him to come around to what you want. It’s a low percentage shot, and it’s most likely going to miss badly. On the flip side, if the message is don’t stress a man out because you’ll push him away then that’s a good message.

  14. Its all about being honest about what you’re looking for. Nevertheless the initial stages of dating should not get weighed down with the minutia of expectations of exclusivity. Enjoy the ride get to know the person and through proper time you will be able to discern if this is the person who you want to ride out with. It will vary from individual but STOP THINKING MARRIAGE WHEN FIRST DATING SHEESH!


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