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Trouble With The Swirl: My Boyfriend Was Ashamed Of Me Because I’m Black

I learned that love isn’t blind the hard way.

“I didn’t think you’d want to know.”

This was how my boyfriend of three years told me that he was leaving me for a different girl. A white girl.

As I watched him struggle with what to say, I remembered that I had seen them together around campus before, but had figured it was nothing; a harmless friendship that might be a little flirtatious, but not serious. Standing there on the sidewalk, I slowly began to understand that despite immersing myself in years of stolen glances, goodnight calls and sun-kissed smiles, it was all over. And even more shocking was the realization that he had always known it would have to end.

In spite of all of the laughter and secrets we had breathed to each other in the night, he had been lying to his entire family about who I was and what I meant to him. Why? Because he was embarrassed of my dark skin. As a Muslim man coming from a strict religious family, he was afraid of their disapproval and so figured the easiest solution was just to leave me for a woman with Blake Lively’s complexion. I don’t know what was worse: The fact that I was blindsided by this or that all of his whispered reassurances over the years that his parents would love me had meant nothing. He had to make a clean cut from me and he had to do it without thought for how it would make me feel.

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When I first met Harvey, I fell in love with his eyes and his skin before I fell for him. Even though ours wasn’t a groundbreaking love story, I don’t think I’ll ever forget how we met at the beginning of the semester. Sitting at the back of the classroom, I remember laughing in his face when he tripped over his own feet and landed headfirst in the seat next to me. He made a look of indignation that turned into what I’d come to know as his signature smirk, and then jumped smoothly into conversation as if he hadn’t just made a tremendous fool of himself. After that, we ran into each other at every turn. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something about the way that he carried himself across a room that made me want to get to know him. Maybe it was his shy smile or his penchant for sarcasm, but just like that, I stumbled into his love headfirst and with abandon.

From the stories he shared with me, I knew that Harvey came from a small Egyptian family who practiced Islam. He confided in me that he didn’t really consider himself that religious and would often get frustrated pretending to be just to appease his mother. I loved hearing him speak about his family’s culture and the customs that they followed. Being of Haitian descent (with a tight knit Catholic family of my own), I couldn’t say that I shared the same struggle as him, but I understood what it meant to feel so disconnected from what was supposed to be your identity. Growing up, I was subject to a running joke among my friends that I would marry someone outside of my nationality and race because I always had crushes on guys who were not black. It eventually started to catch on to the point that my classmates teased me constantly, making comments like, “Cassandra probably wishes she was a white girl with the way she’s chasing after those white boys!” and “Why can’t you like someone in your own race for once?” I hated their bullying, and so stopped confiding in them (and really anyone else) about my romantic interests for years. Those days I felt like I was drowning.

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But Harvey was different. Slowly, I found myself becoming more comfortable with the idea of us after seeing how open Harvey was when it came to sharing his family stories with me.

What Harvey wasn’t open about was whether I’d ever fit into one of his stories. He never introduced me to his family or brought me to his house, and he refused to take any of my relationship questions seriously. When I would try to ask what he thought about interracial dating, he laughed and told me to “Relax. Stop thinking so hard.” I did not push back on him and demand that he answer me; in fact, I let myself fall even deeper into this relationship, which we never defined or named.

Read the rest: http://www.yourtango.com/my-egyptian-boyfriend-was-ashamed-of-me-because-im-black#ixzz38OsiuvpD

How do you feel about Cassandra’s story? Do you feel that her affinity for men who were not Black may have led her into this situation? Do you think that at times people who choose to interracially date for square pegs into circle holes?


    1. Think about a child’s toy with blocked shapes that fit through a ball or any type of frame. Now, does a square fit into and through the circle on the frame? Does the circle fit through the square?

      They just don’t fit, baby.

  1. can’t say i feel sorry for her in the slightest. *shrug*

    she loves guys who aren’t of color and she’s looking for sympathy because a white guy likes a white girl more than her? *looking for f*cks to give* sorry fresh out.

  2. “When I first met Harvey, I fell in love with his eyes and his skin before I fell for him.”———— That’s Stike One

  3. I don’t care about her preference, many people (women and men) do have a preference. That isn’t the issue here.

    Honestly, even if we take race out of the equation, she would just seem pathetic to me. There were red flags all up and through her “situation”. She chose not to address them. My biggest issue here is the relationship was never defined in the first place. What did she expect? Even if the girl was black, he was still leaving at some point. Girl…

  4. I read the first couple of sentences and stopped. This could happen to all women no matter what race she decides to date and vise versa. But she should of known that he wasn’t serious about her from the beginning by his ACTIONS.

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  6. This story stinks… just a girl who was gettin the runaround (like most do in college)… Unfortunate about her brother though.

  7. As i always say, nothing wrong with preferences just be ready to live up to them.

    Taking race out of it, she’s a woman chasing something that by and large don’t want her. If it was a big girl who keeps getting curved for smaller women or a regular dude who keeps getting curved by instamodels, id feel the same way which is…


    Its actually kinda tacky how she’s trying to drum up sympathy by making it about race when its really just someone chasing what she feels is “superior” and wondering why they themselves want, well, what’s “superior”

  8. I don’t see race being the issue here, this just sounds like another episode of what typically goes on everyday…woman likes man more then man likes woman….she wants something serious he’s not willing to give her that…I mean what man really wants to talk about relationship talk and maybe he’s one of those guys that doesn’t introduce women to his family unless he’s serious about the woman. Is it really him thats bothered by your race or is Cassandra bothered by it

  9. Her race was an issue for his family, or so he says…. When I meet liars, which, IMO includes omission, none of the details they have to say or have said are deemed relevant. She was hopefully young and dumb! Her experiences are common for everyone, but her personal take has left her feeling less than. Cassandra you must learn to love yourself. If you truly felt love for self you would allow no one to disrespect or mistreat you, and you’d NEVER allow anyone to use you as their doormat. There is always a respectful way to get your point across and express yourself. People who are not mature enough to express themselves in any situation are not mature enough to be in a relationship. Any worthy man will recognize your worth and value your position in his life. It is just that simple. I view relationships as experiences. Figure out what you were to take away and learn from that experiences. That failed relationship is preparation for your future. It shouldn’t take you long to figure out who is right or wrong. Suck it up and move forward! Never allow anyone to break you!

  10. I agree with most of you, the signs were clearly right in front of her face. She was with a man for 3 years and had never met his family and “didn’t take relationship questions seriously?”
    Being of a different race, I don’t understand why she never thought about the fact that he never brought her around his family was because she was black. I think she knew what it was and that it would never be this lifelong love or end in marriage. She played herself, if you ask me and hopefully, she learns from the experience and doesn’t make the same mistake again.

  11. Well I’m speaking from a generalized evolutionary standpoint that assumes that men want to sleep with lots of women and then settle for the most attractive (read fertile) one he can, and that women want to sleep with few men and then settle for the one with the one with the most resources (read wealthy, intelligent etc.) she can.

    Using this as a basis it makes sense that in order for men to have sex with lots of women they will have to “date down” a league – he will then commit when he meets the best he possibly can, i.e. someone in his league. As Hans Solo explained it’s easy for men to know their level because women above them level reject them.

    Using the same evolutionary basis, women aim as high as they can and then try and get the best one they can to commit. It’s hard for women to know their league because guys above her will still date her for sex, but not consider her for commitment.

    Basically women can “date up” but they have to “marry down,” and men will “date down” but will only “marry up”. Men realize this from a young age because to get sex we have to drop our standards. It often takes women a lot longer to realize that in order to get married she will eventually have to “marry down” (settle) or stay single. The longer she waits, the older she gets and the more she will have to compromise.

    That’s why women find dating so difficult.

  12. A statement that often accompanies women’s complaints about not getting the men they want is something to the effect of “I know I am a catch. I have so much love to give a man. Why can’t men see that??” This is a symptom of the above-described phenomenon: you know that you have the right “raw material” to attract the kind of man you want (in fact, “the kind of man you want” is partially defined by your self-knowledge), but you are confused about why it hasn’t happened for you yet.

    The reason for this is simple: your self-perception of your potential is roughly accurate, but you aren’t living up to that potential. You aren’t the person you know you can be. You have the capability, but you haven’t used it. You have the potential, but you haven’t fulfilled it. You know you can be a fun and exciting person to be around when you feel comfortable, but you haven’t confronted your insecurity in social situations, so men don’t realize this. You know you have a great figure, but you haven’t learned yet to show it off by correcting your posture, so no one notices it. You know you have great hair, but you don’t put the effort in to style it well, so it does you little good. You know you are pretty, but you haven’t confronted your fear of looking a little awkward, and this has dramatically slowed your efforts at learning how to dress yourself well. Your are well aware of your inner feminine self and you instincts to nurture and love, but you suppress them (as you’ve been implicitly told to do by your parents or the culture around you) and men assume you are cold and boring. You know that you are an incredibly sexual person, but because of your strict conservative upbringing, you cloak it in “modesty” and men are turned off.

    The reason women can’t get what they think they deserve is that we (men and women alike) always peg our standards to what we know we can be, not to what we are, while members of the opposite sex judge us – understandably – only on what we are currently. They have no access to the inner workings of our mind; and even if they did, they would have no guarantee that we’d ever reach the potential this would reveal to them. So your discontent in dating boils down to the fact that you aren’t living up to your own standards – yet. Incidentally, this also explains why most people have such an aversion to settling: our subconscious knowledge of what we “should” be able to get is achievable (if not currently accurate), so it seems defeatist to accept something less.

  13. I find her story laughably entertaining. Cultural and ethnic identity tends to be a problem In the varying flavors of the black community. As a Haitian male, I understand maybe on a deeper level based on how insular Haitian culture is. We’ve a tattered history when it comes to colonialism even with our Dominican neighbors. Call it ethnophobia, whatever. This is America though a melting pot, this clownish woman chooses to fall for that alluring pharce that is interracial menagerie, there’s nothing remarkable about her story. Other than the light entertaining chuckle making me say; good.

    I’m not completely out of sympathy. Right out of college and into my foray into then real world, I’ve dated everything but my own culture, white, Asian you name it. In the end though the woman I married and impregnated ended up being Haitian. The first one I’ve ever dated. It’s been a few years now, can say I’ve never been happier. There’s a twist for you, commonality is never celebrated enough. As if interbreeding merits some badge of honor. I remember my white ex-girlfriend in speaking about me choosing my own kind (Keying and doing $17,500 on my exotic cars, of course she got away with it, she’s white in Long Island New York) actually told me the children I would have wrought with her would be more advantaged in life vs the current mother of my pure child. These are the unspoken of pitfalls of interracial dating that need to be brought out to light.

  14. She says he was ashamed of her race, but I think it’s the other way around. She is ashamed of her race. I read the full article on the other site. She speaks about her “complexion” and not her race. Is she proud to be a black woman or does she think race is simply skin color? Maybe she wishes she could be white so she could be more socially accepted in the race she wishes she could be part of. Also, from the headline/photo I thought this would be a white man and black woman. Muslim man leaving a black haitian woman for a white woman tells alot. Quiet as kept, Musilms were the first slave masters and much more brutal than whites. Some even have slaves to this day in North Africa on over to Saudi Arabia. His parents may look at you like dirt since they know this fact.


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