My father once told me, “You should never put your hands on a woman. If you are dating a woman that makes you feel angry enough to hit her, than she isn’t the woman for you.” Basically he meant, it’s up to you to be a man and never blow your cool. He also meant you should be a good judge of character and never entertain a woman that would insist on picking fights where either of you get angry to that point of no return.
What I want to know is how do we as men respect women completely and treat our mothers/sister as equals, if we(men and women) constantly justify reasons to which women shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions., rather it’s with phrases like:
“women aren’t as strong as men physically”
which from a physiological standpoint is true.
“women are emotional and irrational”
which is a case by case basis, but we do know that men and women think differently than one another.
“a man is suppose to be the bigger person”
so men are suppose to be more mature than women?
Stephen A. Smith’s view on domestic abuse and men hitting women.
That moment when Whoopi Goldberg said she supports equal ass-whoopins.
This post is meant to start dialogue on the topic of physical abuse between men and women. I definitely don’t have all the answers.
I don’t see what is so hard about keeping one’s hands to themselves, point blank. This goes for both genders, period. There is nothing so great that anybody has done for somebody else that allows them to lay hands (or bodily fluid) on somebody else without their consent. I reiterate, there is no justification for initiating violence of any sort regardless to how mad or upset you get with them. I know somebody is going to be like, “Well, it’s not as if it would hurt as much” and I say B.S. A woman, heck, a child can hit a man in the right spot and it hurt tremendously, and it comes back down to respect; The second a man/woman lays their hands on you without your consent shows they’ve lost all respect for you and what you are capable of doing.
Truth be told, there are supposed activists on here that are going to make excuses/allowances for women to hit men by saying “He probably did something to deserve it”, but will cry foul if/when he retaliates; They’re not against domestic violence, they’re selectively against it.
I have two major issues with this topic:
Domestic violence is a very sensitive subject that can cause
major issues within an individual’s life. To simplify it as “Putting your hands”
on someone is insulting and shows lack of perspective I know many abusive men and women who have never “put their hands” on their significant others. To ask people to share what may be painful experience of abuse is insensitive.
The idea that one should prevent provoking someone is a slippery slope. Everyone has a different boiling point that may cause them to go
over the edge. As an adult with mature emotional development there is no excuse for violence regardless of gender.
I really like your last point, as far the “idea that one should prevent provoking someone is a slippery slope.” Because we could never fully gauge what’s considered as someone’s breaking point.
I swear I think it was war on social media and in real life after not only the Pathetic 2-Game Suspension but Stephen A.’s comments. The Op-Eds came flying like hot cakes and. 90% were taking Smith’s words out of context.
DV, like Rape, Molestation and other crimes that are Not and Never Been Gender-specific , have taken the unilateral positions that Only Women are Victims – Never Offenders and Men are the Criminals- Never Victims. (Unless you are a Boy and the Offender is a Gay Guy)
The Feminists and MRAs have had a field day with Ray Rice and it’s only going to get worse once this NFL season rolls, though- and I hate to add another story to this- Rice will be the Tolerable Distraction, unlike Michael Sam. (Word to Tony Dungy)
Victim blaming isn’t just insulting and demeaning to all women, but men as well. I’m not a brute. Stephen A’s don’t start none philosophy sounds like don’t put your hand in the cage, a tiger doesn’t know better, a grown a** man does. Don’t dress provocatively because a man can help himself, no, dogs can’t. I don’t understand these men who walk around thinking its okay to not know any better because they don’t like double standards.
It’s not victim blaming. Rather, its “victim accountability”. You can be a victim but that doesn’t mean that we can’t talk about what you did to provoke the situation.
To your “tiger” analogy, sure we are talking about humans but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t know (or could’ve imagined) that this person “could” behave as a tiger when you stuck your hand in that (figurative) cage.
Remember, it’s “domestic” violence because in most cases, you know,(or can imagine) what kind of person you’re dealing with.
In these cases victims, though they are victims are not faultless.
@ high five ghost
I see where your coming from but with DV you have to be careful about using the word trigger in regards to why one partner may physically assault the other. You have DV situations where the man’s trigger is simply his gf/wife asking him a question he doesn’t like. Maybe we need a new phrase for relationships / situations like the Ray Rice incident.
i mean, i get it, picking fights with NFL players usually wont work out well for you male or female however, the accountability wouldn’t need to exist if people knew how to act, fear of consequence isn’t a form of respect
There’s No Respect in hitting, slapping or spitting on anyone.
There’s none in preventing someone from leaving the situation, OR, when 911 is called they Clown you for ” being scared” of somebody Smaller and Weaker than You- and you’re Not Built like a NFL Player….
Tristan you be makin’ all types of sense!
But let me just say this. You are to blame if after being punched in the face, your nose bloodied, and your teeth missing. You stay because of some magical fairytale called “love.”
Because…If another Woman hits you or even looks at you the wrong way, it’s always: “These itches will get dey ask beat!” Or some women who simply mean mug another woman for smiling or looking in their direction because of insecurity. Even on this blog alone. Women ignore each other’s comments unless the Women who reply go out their way to support men’s ideologies of “Negros who need to grow da fudge up.” But you will let some dirty mentally infested miscreant knock you upside your head and ask for sympathy (Evelyn Lozada, Rhianna..) just because he has a penis. Babbbby!!!!!! You can privately purchase dildos if penetration is what you need baby.
This is not Vicitm Blaming. This is common sense! I don’t wanna’ hear all that love, he supports me, we got kids, I ain’t got no job. Get self-sufficient ladies, cause these men are gonna’ show you ALL their colors before you wake da fudge up! O_o
People don’t wanna hear the real. Im a FAIR person who happens to be a woman.
These are the truths of our world and women know it! The same women gettin beat wouldnt dare let another woman touch them! These excuses have to stop!
Im not into telling people what they “want” to hear. Enough people doing great jobs of that.
Fear(or more like awareness and acceptance) of consequence is a necessity in survival. It’s why you don’t head to the “bottom” of you city RIGHT NOW and pick fights with random, armed drug dealers. This isn’t advocating that all women should fear men, but that in a world of gender EQUALITY, women should be fully aware of, and subjected to, the consequences that men face from their actions. No one’s giving Ike a pass because Tina didn’t “understand”, and that is great. BUT Solange shouldn’t be given one just because she has a vagina.
I’m with Stephen A. and Whoopi Goldberg. There are some people who are just abusive as a result of rough upbringing, psychological issues, etc. and those people show you their character PRIOR to putting their hands on you and these people can be male or female. I do not think it is that *hard* to avoid violent situations as a potential victim. And I think women have skated by on the argument that a man should never hit a woman for far too long. You’re only human – there is only so much you can take before you will lash out, verbally or physically. Additionally, I think lots of women enjoy pushing men to that point, lots of women understand that the police department is on their side in DV situations, and I think more men need to speak out and stand up for themselves to put an end to this, men must speak up for and support other men by engaging in open and honest discussion about the one-sided nature of DV that favors women and criminalizes men, regardless of the actions of the woman in the relationship. The way some men have been railroaded in DV discussion is unfair and unreasonable.
Well the men shouldn’t stay either then! Goes both ways!
Maybe if Black men would fight back and hit the White men they steady keep standin’ up for, that steady keep killin’ yall, yall wouldn’t have to take all your anger out on your women, hmm?
BM tend to channel their anger in the wrong directions. I said they should focus it on “those” who deserve it.
Not their women or other black men. Counterintuitive I know!
(And dont tell me about other groups. They are not of my concern.)
I’m with Brad – what are you talking about?
After alllllll that was written, all you can say is, “Goes both ways!” You’re whining and not thinking logically. consider what I have written, process it, then respond in kind. You don’t just write to be writing, Beauty In Truth.
You really don’t want to go down the road of complaining that Black men do not fight against white men because, as of late, Black women have not either – as a matter of fact, Black women have relied heavily upon white men to resolve differences with Black men.
You sound ridiculous.
Check “your”numbers “MOM” Read some of my posts. Like I said above. I tend to be TOO logical around here. Also I don’t engage with made up numbers with some self proclaimed “Google” expert. You can have an opinion but I shall travel to any road I see fit. Ms. Naive. “Most BW.” Love your generalizing with NO support. Stop playing “Mom.”
Talk what you know cause you know nothing of my experiences and perception is reality, DEAR 🙂 My comments are quite warranted. Goodbye.
Check your grammar.
This isnt a wp site where we mull over grammar issues dear. Because Im definitly overqualified in the rhetoric and writing spectrum. But I can communicate like an ignant as if thats the level of tje person im conversing with…Questions?
Now you need to check your spelling. You’re an all around failure. Good day!
Like totally! Get a life…
@beautyintruth:disqus You got completely undressed.
Work on some flaws in your thinking & come again!
I know you “wished” that happened, but it didn’t… Come join me, you’re always a winner with logic love. Can’t compete against the standard dear. Take care!
There needs to be a nexus…..Roflmao! I completely understand.
I think it’s a sensitive
subject and ppl have to be careful using certain words or phrases when talking
about it. I think Steven A was irresponsible in that sense. Using words like
provoke and prevent when talking about the victim/s isn’t going to pan out well.
I think there’s a difference
between women who are being abused by their partner and a woman who is hitting a
guy and continues to put her hands on him and ends up getting hit back. DV is
usually a pattern, the abuse happens multiple times, I’m not sure if Ray is out
here beating his wife, this could have been a one time / never happen again
Now a majority of the time
if there’s a situation where a man is being hit by a woman; he can walk away
with out physical hitting a woman back. But there are situations where walking
away isn’t easy ( like being stuck in the elevator with someone) and they’re
swinging at you and swinging and spit on you and in the processes of trying to
restrain or just get away from them you may hit them. Heck you maybe trying to
push them away and hit then by accident ( baby boy we remember When Tyress and
His girl where arguing and she was swinging at him and she punch him in the face
and he was trying to get her off of him and he backed handed her by accident .
I’m not advocating for men
to run around like children on a playground and live by the “you hit me I hit
you back”. I’m also not advocating for a man to swing on a woman like he’s
fighting a grown man (i.e. Chris Brown Rihanna). We need to understand are men
are human and when humans are stuck in tough situations things don’t always turn
out how we think they should.
The only real issue is the
NFL not giving him a heftier punishment. I think he’s already in a DV / anger
management program for the whole season. I’m other than suspending him a few
games I’m not sure what other punishment they could give
I’m wit Whoopi, one good smack deserves another. I teach my daughter to not hit anyone, and no one has the right to hit her.
I’ve never been hit and I’ve never provoked a man to the point where he felt that he had to put his hands on me.
This comes from my up-bringing – A. I never saw my dad put his hands on my mom B. Having a father figure in my life taught me that a man is only going to let you say so much. I remember as a teenager mouthing off to my dad (what young kids tend to do) He gave me this LOOK, the look of….if you say one more thing your head will no longer be connected to your body….I have NEVER forgotten that LOOK, therefore in dealing with men I may say what I got to say but trust and believe once I’ve said what I said I’m leaving it alone. Granted in relationships sometimes you need to see how far you can push someones buttons just to see how that person handles their anger, but personally I don’t feel the need to take you there. Now if I ever were to find myself in a situation to where I did get hit do I feel that I have the right to hit you back, yes…will I no. Because me hitting back is not going to faze a man (personal opinion) but I will hurt you which I think is far more worse and has more longevity.
This is so true and is a major reason why so many women remain single into their 40s. A woman can easily date a man more attractive than she is, although he likely won’t commit to marry her. Some women think that because they can pick up a hot guy at a bar, that they must be hot themselves.
I suspect that a lot of men get stuck in bad marriages after getting hitched to formerly promiscuous women who had to settle for less than what they really wanted in order to get married.
I know some fat or at least very average-looking women who only go for fit or successful guys and are then upset when they get rejected. If those women went for guys in their own league, they would be much happier.
I often wonder how much this affects girls’ self-perception. Do women know this, and high-five each other after sleeping with guys far more attractive than themselves, realizing all the while that they will someday end up marrying a guy that is much less attractive than what they’ve experienced until he came along? Or are they unaware of the above-described phenomenon, and conclude that their sexual exploits accurately reflect their options for a spouse, only to be disappointed later in life?
I agree with what someone said earlier that DV is a pattern, and this is an isolated incident of a man being improperly physical with a woman. We don’t know if this has been a regular occurrence or not. That said, it is WRONG for EITHER a man or a woman to attempt to be physically combative with one another period. Miss me with all that sugary, antiquated, back-in-da-day, chivalry mess. How is it logically permissive for a woman to attempt to fight a man, but out-of-bounds for a man to physically defend himself against such an attack? Like I asked a colleague. If you know that you are not my physical equal and attempting to fight would be asinine, why would you attempt such tom foolery?!
I would love to have my brothers smack you upside your head in the back of an ally. You tend to be a real grade A a—hole.
Chivalry is antiquated and so are your—-I bet.
Dude makes a VALID point. It’s wrong for BOTH sexes to be violent against their counterparts. Believing otherwise goes against the very definition of the feminism you THINK you are advocating.
It’s “Keyboard Xenas” like you(wanting to “sic” your brothers on random people you don’t agree with?) that gives ACTUAL feminism a bad name.
(BUT I’m sure you are just a troll, and your response to this will either confirm or debunk my hypothesis)
Im a regular here. Im not a troll Im just a feminist and I hate the nonsense and delusion that goes on in my Black American community. But honestly I think I care too much. That’s all.
“The theory of the political, social, and economic EQUALITY of the sexes.”
So, what was so “sexist” about me advocating that women should be subjected to the same consequences as men for the same deplorable actions? Like I said, your one of that loud minority of female sexists(that advocate a PREFERENTIAL treatment of women) that give those women that advocate ACTUAL equality a bad name.
When did “I” all you sexist? First of all you must be 12?
Wow we all can read a dictionary. It takes listening and understanding to know what feminism is. Im officially done trying to educate people.
What have you done to advance feminism or really listen to what a woman has to say. If I was a manmaking my comments you wouldnt be so uptight. Im done.
Let those who want to live in delusion and fear do such. Just dont ask for sympathy or be mad when a sensible person laughs in your face….
Really? Lol I didn’t realize your response to langwichartz (wishing your brothers could beat him up) had a double meaning. I was addressing how you handled THIS thread, which was only wishing someone bodily harm and indirectly implying that I didn’t already advocate gender equality(which is sexism). I wasn’t talking about the women that stay after abuse. I was talking about women that initiate violence with violence. But nice try, attempting to do the word-twist when someone calls you out on your bs.
BUT I was wrong about one thing: you are NOT a troll…
You’re just a moron.
Wow you are a senseless excuse for a black male. Yes women with strong voices who can assert themselves are “morons,” and you are a woman beater because you can’t process logical, coherently delivered information. (See I can make retarded statements as well). How about you educate yourself on the art of active listening discourse and disagreeing intelligently.
You should stay in your place, I can respond to whomever I chose you miscreant. I bet the women you date are literally rocks that just sit there and do whatever you say. You are miserable.
Lets hope you don’t need anyone at your police profiling rally.
“More On” point, then off. Absolutely! Smart enough to recognize that at the bare minimum I see!
I never responded to any (1) of your posts. Are you mentally ill?
Chick…. you are raving…. anyone reading these comments can tell you’re not only sexist, but ignorant, and argumentative. Never a good combination when you want to be taken seriously. But I thought you were “done educating”, so don’t let me hold you up.
Chick? Ok “Dk.” Again YOU are insecure with strong Women. Love how you speak for everyone. Again because I am female you try to throw gender specific words such as “raving.” It upsets you that you can do nothing about my freedom of voice. Too bad chauvinist…Welcome to the 21st century. Wake up already. You lose.
Raving isn’t gender specific. And please, don’t make a mockery of my use of the word “chick” when you love to throw out terms of faux endearment like “sweetie”.
Which brings me back the VERY FIRST COMMENT OF THE THREAD. Why did you wish violence on langwichartz? What BOTHERS me is that here are a plethora of ignorant PEOPLE like you that drown out the
You’re boring me. You may have the last word oh sequestered and pained soul…I’m pretty much undefeatable in this sensible realm.
I’m not trying to outdo anyone, but there is a way to exchange in civil dichotomies….(pausing while you look up “dichotomy”)…And more often then not, I’m not the sulking defeated one in the end…So….Take care love!
You responded exactly how he said you would Lol.
You must be the fat girl who got mad at me for standing up for fit and healthy women a while back. Go jog off your jealousy of my intellect. Kanyes workout plan if ya must! Done being nice to you airheads.
Men shouldn’t do it. ever.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Secondly, in the end, any action that I do…i’ve chosen to do. i can choose to control my rage to an extent where i don’t inflict harm or strike others. #RadicalConcept
it’s a double standard, based on males typically being physically stronger than females.
EVERYONE should keep their hands to themselves. Neither sex should hit the other first. However, if you choose to lay hands and drop bows on someone, be prepared for a physical defensive response because of your choice.
Women who hit (punch, kick, slap, spit on) men FIRST cause they “know” they won’t get hit back (due to this “there’s never a reason to hit a woman” culteral rule) are JUST as bad as the Ike’s of the world. These women should be punished and chastised for their actions.
I’m not excusing the Ike’s in the world…beating women for waking up and breathing. They are DEAD wrong. But I’m not excusing the Ikette’s either. They too are DEAD wrong. Both should be punished.
…and acting like these women don’t exist…acting like women don’t throw the first jab ever…is a disservice to everyone. No person…male or female…deserves to be abused or physically attacked when they have not put their hands on anyone.
Prepare for “Beauty in Truth”(ironic, no?) to reply negatively with poor sarcasm and a rant about how it shouldn’t matter what a woman does and how her brothers will tear you apart if you cross her.
Lets pray for her brothers, who could be seriously harmed fighting her inane battles.
No. I reply to familiar posts. I have that right. Get with it newbie :)p
I always agree with you “Cynical” and this time is no exception. I grew up in a home with domestic violence, and I vowed never to tolerate that kind of disrespect from a man. However, I won’t provoke a man either, I say my piece and keep it moving. There are better ways to hurt a man (if that is the goal) than resorting to physical violence, and I am smart enough to think of a way to do so without leaving myself vulnerable to an attack.
Men should be more mature than women?
Dunno if that kind of mentality is acceptable in this day and age? The rest can be supported with hard and fast statistics but that’s an assumption that deserves no weight, and most certainly should not be printed to empower such notions among ignorant minds.
I agree with the view below, that no one (regardless of gender) has the right to lift their hands against another. Point, blank, period
BLEURGH – http://www.bleurghnow.com
The distinction of laying hands on someone minimizes what Domestic violence is. Domestic Violence is typically viewed and discussed based on a pattern of violent behavior, incident after incident. This in no way changes or re-categorizes an incident that only happens once as being anything other than DV, but I do believe the one time situation is the reason this attempt to discuss DV has failed. It’s an attempt to say he is not that guy battering his woman consistantly and uncontrollably, and truthfully none of us really know. The claim of provocation is a joke when it comes to true DV. The agressor could be provoked by a bill, crying kid, or a dinner that he/she doesn’t want to eat. Provocation is always an excuse.
Men nor women should strike one another. Respect in todays society is lacking, but males are taught to keep their hands to themselves whereas girls aren’t. I make a point to send the message home to girls that they should keep their hands to themselves or risk the consequence of getting struck back. We teach all of our kids to defend themselves or at best stand up for themselves. IMO, this includes females hitting males. It’s not a good luck to beat the brakes off of someone but a shock-hit or grab sends the message that the behavior will not be accepted.
If anyone ever worked with or truly knew a victim of DV then one would know the issues are deeper rooted than just staying or hitting. I’ve met both men and women who have been victimized, but by far the majority are women. Compassion isn’t a trait that many know and that’s simply because humanity is quicker to judge but could truly care less about helping one another. We should all keep our hands to ourselves.
We should go deeper into each case. So that woman and men can get the full picture. I’d like to know what made him feel like he needed to hit her?
She hit him first, and that’s why she was ALSO charged with simple assault.