Perusing the internet searching for a topic for this week’s blog I found a lot of the topics were all about the same thing. I think that most blog sites are always trying to convince people that something is missing or something went away that used to be here. Now at times they could be talking about, where did all the real men/women go? Or they can talk to you about how you can get something back that you had a long time ago? The funny thing is most of the posts are never really forward looking, they’re all retrospective.
The one blog that kept coming up at almost every site I landed on was something about why we need to rekindle dating and avoid hookup culture. (As a side note, it seems that anything that becomes a trend nowadays is suddenly a culture.) As I read these articles about hookup culture and how it’s ruining dating, relationships and marriage, I was really confused as to how that could happen. I mean seriously, how in the world can two people who choose sleep together with no strings attached or in an unconventional relationship really affect the ENTIRE dating, relationships and marriage scene.
The truth is, they can’t. The real reason why those articles exist is because from a macro perspective it is to create a dating environment that is easier to navigate so people can find love easier. While that sounds good or beneficial, it’s actually silly. One thing I’ve always believed about life is that it’s not supposed to be easy.
The other thing worth noting is that people really do not have any legitimate reason for why people need to date. They say that people should learn things about each other organically or the traditional route. It should be noted that just about everything in our world is always better today than it was in the past. That’s called progression and evolution; it’s also a scientific fact. People will tell you that when our grandparents were dating it was a certain way. I try to tell them that my grandparents were dating at a time when domestic violence was overlooked and women were forced to stay in horrible marriages or risk poverty and shaming. I’ll air on the side of thinking that we’re a bit more forward thinking in 2014.
So yeah, there’s no real legitimate reason for why people need to rekindle dating. That led me to seriously ask the question, do we need to date anymore?
Let’s define dating. Dating isn’t two people going to dinner; that’s called going to dinner. Dating isn’t two people taking a yoga class; that’s called taking a yoga class. Dating isn’t two people going to the movies; that’s called going to the movies. Dating is… dating is… dating is like adult entertainment, I can’t tell you what it is but you know it when you see it. All those things I mentioned were just activities but if you put them together and add pressure then it’s sort of like what dating is.
Dating is a good way to get to know someone and figure out if you guys will be compatible. Dating will tell you if you share similar interests, viewpoints, and moral value systems. Yeah about that, fortunately for us in 2014 we can find most of all that information out online before we even meet a person. Simply by friending/following someone on Facebook and other social media platforms you can find out a lot about a person.
The other is that by dating it will give a couple the chance to actually have a conversation. Funny enough, in the last twenty years they invented cell phones which have the ability to transmit voice signals distances further than could be heard in your normal hearing range.They also have the ability to text and chat messages which makes it easier to communicate more frequently without a large impact on your schedule.
The last is that dating will make sure that you pace yourself in your relationship. It’s another fallacy, our society is obsessed with getting everything faster, more efficiently, and better. Why would you suggest that we slow down finding love? That goes against everything that evolution has taught us. If the goal is to find love and be happy, shouldn’t you want that as soon as possible?
I hope you’re starting to see that dating is really just an archaic form of courtship that suggests in the last 500 years or whenever marriages stopped being arranged we couldn’t figure out a better way to get to know a person and evaluate their ability to be our partner.
I hope you’re starting to see that dating is also a form of courtship that is akin to doing a mating dance in the wild. It has no real purpose or use but we do it because it’s the traditional thing to do before we get in a relationship. It is as if we haven’t spent the last 50 years breaking down gender dynamics while replacing chivalry* with mutual respect for each other.
* The only reason I starred “chivalry” is because I’m defining it as the mindset that a man is going to show you how strong and wealthy he is, wisk you away to be his subservient wife for the rest of your life and you’ll live happily ever after. Doing nice things for a woman is still the right thing to do.
Here’s the thing, nobody is going to stop dating. It will never happen in a million years. We just need to understand that we don’t need to date. We want to date. It’s not required and it really doesn’t provide us anything that we couldn’t obtain through other channels. It’s just a preference and that’s a good way to describe it.
Then, we can stop slut shaming all the people who believe in this so called “hookup culture.”
Real good perspective here
I’m kinda hesitant about getting rid of dating all together. It’s true that we are constantly evolving and should be progressing for the most part, but that doesn’t mean we should get rid of everything that is traditional. Think of it this way, if your computer gets a virus will you throw it out the window and ban any form of computer device for life? No, you fix the problem. Sure nothing is perfect, but there is a reason why dating is still around and marriage too. I think there is room for improvement. What started out as a ‘situationship’ could evolve into something more meaningful, maybe even marriage. You never know, to each their own that’s what I think.
However, Apple created the Macbook where there is little to no risk of catching a virus. Everyone threw away their Windows based computers and went and got an Apple.
Everyone Didn’t; I like my ASUS laptop & Fixing Things Myself rather than going to Somebody else (Therapist, Cousnelor, Court System) to do it For Me. That’s Independence, Cognitive Skills, and Knowing Your System and having Pride in it. I LIKE the Macbook, I used to WORK for Apple through College Retail partnership, but all I have from Apple and Steve Jobs was my iPod and now iPhone.
Yes!! Which is precisely my point. You tweek what does not work instead of getting rid of it all together. To use the analogy again, maybe some people did away with Windows in favor of Macbook, meaning in favor of something that is supposed to be better. But in your own words ‘little to no risk’ doesn’t mean that it is perfect. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Sure we could all upgrade or throw away dating but shouldn’t that be your personal preference? And as long as we have a choice, there will always be those who prefer tradition over what’s trending. I know a lot of people who are fine with the status quo. Why should dating be eliminated if it works for some people?
First of all, kudos for the fresh spin on this. 🙂
I think that how you approach your romantic life should depend on what your goal is.
If your goal is to just coast (honestly not really looking for anything serious) until you happen to fall for someone you encounter, I guess hooking up/hanging is the way to go…which will/can evolve into dating once it’s clear that you both want something more. If you’re actually looking for a relationship or ready for marriage, I think dating is the way to go.
I think the reason “hooking up” gets such a bad rap is because I think, moreso than men, women end up emotionally involved and unhappy in that scenario because they aren’t honest about really wanting a relationship or being ready for marriage (not the dude’s fault). They’re just “hooking up” to hook the guy rather than just to chill/enjoy the moment (which should be the purpose).
Rushing into relationships is just a bad idea. Pacing yourself is the best way to make sure you’re getting to the know the person and not their representative. I don’t think dating helps a person slow down the progression of a relationship…boundaries do. And you can have boundaries while you hang out and such as well.
I agree with Cyn’s statement – “the reason “hooking up” gets such a bad rap is because I think, moreso than men, women end up emotionally involved and unhappy in that scenario because they aren’t honest about really wanting a relationship or being ready for marriage.” I don’t agree with “(not the dude’s fault).”
Sometimes it’s not, and sometimes it is. I believe what makes dating, hooking up, and relationships in general sketchy and janky is the lies, and bs people feed each other; as well as selfishness for personal gain.
The simple concept of dating is perfectly fine and works well for the US. I highly doubt arranged marriages would work for the majority of people in this country for various reasons.
I think if we simplify things and keep it all the way real it would work out much better for most people.
Exactly! I find that most men on this site (and all other dating sites) are quick to defend themselves as being ’emotionally unavailable’ or only wanting sex and the woman wanting more, when most men are feeding the woman lies in order to get that so desired sex.
For instance, a man might say ‘I do not want to date you’, but if he is buying you jewelry, kissing you, taking you to dinner, holding hands, asking about your day and family, and he no longer expresses a desire not to date you, wouldn’t you start to think that he has had a change of heart?
I have been there before. I didn’t officially date the man (and I definitely did NOT have sex), but I had a man that would keep saying that he did not date co-workers, but would keep asking me out on a date (and I was his co-worker). Also, he would keep talking about marriage and asking me which state I would like to live in if I ever moved away and would try to convince me why I should like the state that he wanted to live in. He would talk about us both getting jobs together in other places and would constantly ask about my family life and even wanted to meet my family, etc. He began to say that he had a crush on me and would like to take me out of town on a date and just ‘drive into the sunset’ etc.
After several months of this, I finally started to develop a crush and agreed and then he said ‘but I don’t date co-workers’.
See… this is the type of trash that men do when they are ‘not dating’… they purposely try to get the woman ‘hooked’ and then push her away.
That’s why the ‘hookup’ culture or whatever, doesn’t work.
“if you put them together and add pressure then it’s sort of like what dating is.”
ahhhhhh….the pressure !!!
No pressure, please no pressure. We got enough to deal with wit high blood pressure. No more pressure. 😉
Some people are in a position to not have to date, others aren’t. I personally don’t have the kind of social network to really have repeated interactions with an attractive woman to really get to know her without dating. Yeah I could be friends with a woman but at 35 years old, how many women are really looking for male friends? You have a better chance of sleeping with a 30+ chick than you do of developing a true platonic friendship with her. Plus I’m starting to hear women complain about men trying to keep women “on deck” by just being friends.
Progress and Tradition the battle continues!
The problem is, the ‘hookup culture’ never used to exist and yes, it IS ruining the future of dating. Part of the reason that this is happening, especially in the Black community, is due to the lack of educated Black men. Because there are so many educated Black women available, the Black men are shunning dating (which is supposed to lead to marriage) and going for the ‘hookup’. Nonetheless, because modern dating cannot be defined, many Black men act as if they are dating (dinner, kissing, movies, fake promises) just to get to ‘hookup’ without commitment. Thus, the woman is supposed to not become attached, when Biblically, ALL people become attached after sex. If a man claims that he is not the least bit attached after sex, he has psychological issues.
This ‘hookup’ culture is immoral and it has ruined dating because so many people expect sex without commitment and when someone refuses that, the partner just moves on to the next and the next until someone decides to participate in the ‘hookup’ culture. Thus, all of the people that are celibate, waiting for marriage, or at the least, waiting for true love get pushed aside because the others (mostly Black men) prefer the ‘hookup’ culture with no strings attached.
Personally, I wish that this ‘culture’ would go away.
To each their own. If dating works for you, great. If you just want to ‘hookup’, knock yourself out. My belief is that if you want a relationship built on mutual respect and trust, than you have to have a solid foundation. That takes time. Guys can’t complain about there being no good women when they won’t take time in getting to know them. I agree with a previous comment – when a woman refuses to have sex w/out a commitment or rush to get in a relationship for that matter, the guy just moves on to the easy one willing to dive right in. More often than not, that ends in disaster. No one is slut shaming those that hookup but this microwave dating mindset is not working either.